Diary of Jane

A little late night babbling

2011-10-20T23:21:00.001-06:00

So I'm gettin ready for bed, when I get texted by a friend that I've been developing a new friendship with. He's someone I knew back in school, but we never managed to run in the same circle. However, we have found out we hav more in common than i initially thought :) Specifically, we both have a great love for dance. He is taking his love to the next level, such as in competing and training, while mine remains a hobby. Yet it is nice to talk occasionally of how when we dance, it's like the world just seems right for those few moments... Okay :) that is just me talkin. I don't know if that is exactly how he feels, but I admit it thrills me to watch him pop. Though my style is different, I appreciate the fluidity of his movements.

by now, I'm sure it appears I'm in love with the guy lol ;) but the point of writing all of this is to write exactly how much this friendship means to me. often I feel I've become the boring married person :) only because I have not kept in touch with friends like I should have. so for me to find another friend, one I can talk to, tease, and remember to branch out in a while, well, that is a good thing. In fact I feel it has even improved my relationship with my hubby. I am taking time for me, time to hang with friends, which is what I needed. I had gotten so fed up with being at home almost every free moment I had, that I had begun taking it out on someone that didn't deserve it.

anyhoo, the point really of all this, is that I'm grateful for all the people I still have the honor of calling my friends, whether I keep in touch as often as I should. I had taken for granted how much energy has to be put into maintaining a friendship, and thus I have lost touch with many ppl. but I also want to say how lucky I am to have new friends, proving that I'm still able to be friendly ;) this new friendship I've been talking about this post has really opened my eyes... and it has been great. It really has been an interesting few weeks :) anyhoo :) I'm done babbling for the night ;) stay tuned for the next episode ;)

until next time, averagejane signing off...

Hey...

2011-09-21T00:18:00.000-06:00

so, anyone still watching my blog may be surprised to see that I am posting, after almost a year... i know. it's crazy. but, i've just had a pretty good day. one that has really struck me to come attempt to blog once again. also, one will notice that i have revamped my blog design. i'd say it was definitely about time. after the past year, i feel that a new start,of sorts, is in order.

to begin to explain, i saw my longtime friend from Cali tonight. it has been three years since we last were together. and yet, the time has flown and i cannot believe it has been that long. it feels like just yesterday we were developing our friendship, making jokes about being Mr. Collins and Cousin Elizabeth. :) those were some good times. one of the best times of my life. one where i knew where i stood. didn't have to worry about silly things like house payments ;) lol you never know how good you really have it when all you have to worry about is clothes and the occasional meal to pay for. no responsibilities beyond a job and/or school.

but i'm not saying that i want to get rid of my responsibilites that i have now. i really do enjoy my life, but i miss the person i let myself be back then. i need to find a way to incorporate my adventurous and carefree spirit into a life often dictated by responsibilties. i need to find out how to let go once in a while. thankfully, i got a chance tonight. i sat and laughed with friends, talked about the good times of high school, and watched my husband look at me like i was crazy ;) lol i had some good times. and most of that was because i had convinced myself that i didn't mind so much what ppl thought of what i did because my friends had accepted me as i was. i was able to be a goof. i was able to just let myself have fun. all too often lately, i find that i have become boring, predictable, and just no fun. i want to be able to let go so easily as i did in my high school years and a little beyond that. that is my goal for this coming year. i want to find my spunk and spirit again. i want to feel young, instead of an old married woman. that is a lot of my problem. and it all starts with me.

well, now that i babbled enough, i will go to bed. just one last thing, thanks to my friend for coming to visit. you have no idea how much it meant to me. it was a wonderful night, of which i hope many more are to come.

until next time, averagejane signing off.

Just another day

2010-11-04T14:40:00.002-06:00

Hey ... so i know my last post forever ago said i would be blogging more on my other blog. but that is more still jay's blog. so i needed a place to just write. lol if i had had my journal here, i would probably have written there.

but, so i'm at work and i really should be working. but i really feel like shit today. and its not just today. it's like a pattern over the last few months. i know its normal to have down days, but some days its just ridiculous. like today, i feel on the verge of tears. and the morning started out really good. i'm not sure what is wrong with me. i ache all over. and every so often, i get this pain in my chest that lasts most of the day. then it will go away and i forget about it til the next time it happens. i swear my body hates me. anyhoo... enough about that.

i just wish somedays that i could turn back time a bit. everything was so simple when i was younger. not so many cares in the world. and of course money seemed to be a bit more abundant :) but it just seems that everything is moving so fast and that if i don't make the right choice i'll screw up everything. and some days i wonder if some of my choices in the past are starting to affect my life now. i mean i expected them to affect it, just in a better way. it's so confusing. and frustrating. i'm down so much and tired. i was physically sick with a cold or something last week, but this all seems so much different. I wish i could just wake up one day and have it all gone. unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

then there is the whole religion issue. i've officially declared myself as agnostic atheist on my facebook page. but it's just so hard to let go of religious issues and traditions that i've been indoctrinated with for years now. i mean, i just find it so hard to tell my parents how i really feel. like they keep trying to ask me how church was each sunday that i happen to visit. and my dad slipped in that i should go to the temple too sometime (he was going that day, a tuesday night or something). but it's just hard. i hoped it would be easier.

and its just been a tough couple of weeks. work is difficult sometimes. that's not to say that the work i have to do is hard. its actually really easy. its just the work relationships can be awful. i've not seen this much drama since i was in high school. my supervisor sometimes acts like she is a kid, despite being a good 10 or so years older than me, and takes her frustration out on us lowly assistants. i only get through some of those days because of the other assistant here in the office. she is older than me by like 10 years or so. but she still understands how it all is here, cuz she has only been here a year longer than me. our supervisor really can be rude. and its way too damn frustrating. oh and the great thing, her supervisor is her father. it's ridiculous. i can't stand him much either. he lets things slide and then blames us for some of his problems. like we had a workshop that we sent materials out for. some of the handbooks were older than the newer ones by two weeks and he got mad that we had sent that version out when he hadn't bothered to notify us that there was a newer version. God! he is annoying!!! anyhoo....thats my work vent. i really do love the other gal i work with. she is a sweetheart.

anyhoo, i think i've wasted enough space here. it feels good to be able to vent here..

until next time...
averagejane signing off
PS. Song of the day is "Stuttering" by Fefe Dobson. reflects my mood, while not necessarily the sentiment or feeling

My Other Blog

2010-06-09T10:02:00.002-06:00

This short post is for those of you that follow my blog... or at least used to as I don't really write here :) I try to update my other blog, the one I share with my hubby, at least every few months.... lol a little more than I do here. So, please feel free to check it out!!! the URL is http://www.lifeatwarp10.com/

Hope you enjoy it ;)

late night posts...

2009-10-13T22:22:00.002-06:00

So. I just have to say i find it funny at jay is out like a light. I know you are probably all confused. Well for the past few nights jay has had to work a shift at work starting at midnight. Lol and he was always so sad he could not be home with me. And now on the first night back on a regular shift, he is now dead to the world :) lol it just makes me laugh!

I have to admit that it is nice to have him home :) lol the only problem is im still kind of awake. Thats half the reason im posting this. The other half is to try out this posting via my cell phone :) cool new feature i guess :) lol its fun. Im sure ill be fixing this post in the morning. gotta fix this big paragraph and give it a title......

averagejane signing off :)

That giddy feeling

2009-10-13T00:09:00.002-06:00

i don't know what exactly it is about romance movies that make you just wanna curl up with happiness and giddiness. i just watched "never Been Kissed" ( one of my favorite of romantic comedies) and i've watched it several times before. and though i know exactly how it's gonna end, my heart stops to see if the guy will come. and then when he comes, my heart flutters and i get that giddy feeling as mentioned above.

we as society are addicted to these shows. well, most of the women in society. we love seeing these happy endings, where the girl gets the guy.... where it all really ends happily ever after. i don't mind it so much. sometimes it is just good to get lost in a story not my own. it's nice to see that everything does work out sometimes.

well, i don't mean to say it doesn't work out in real life. it's just they always portray it as so easy in the movies. you fall in love, and live happily ever after. sometimes it's too scripted. one thing i've found is that in real life, it is most of the time a bit of work. but in the end, it makes it even more special that you found this special guy. cuz with all the forces working against you, no matter the struggles or problems you overcame, you can still have your happily ever after. you will have that someone to hold you when you're sad. someone to kiss away the tears. someone to celebrate life with. someone to stay with you through the years. someone to mark the years with. it's work, but i've found that it makes that giddy feeling even more special.

average jane signing off...

Dreams

2009-07-01T08:13:00.003-06:00

when it comes to dreams, there are two basic beliefs about why we have dreams and what they mean.

belief 1: dreams mean nothing, it is jsut random. it is just an epiphenomenon that is the mental activity that occurs during REM sleep.

belief 2: dreams have a meaning. we dream because either we need to declutter our minds, our subconcious is trying to speak to us, or we have problems from our daily lives that our mind couldn't work through while concious, so we have dreams to work them out. This is just putting this belief in simple terms.

myself, i have always followed with belief two. i believed that our minds are trying to tell us something or we have something that our mind needed to work out when it was concentrating on the other dozen items we do during the day. it made sense to me to believe this way. from having dreams so simple where i couldn't find a bathroom in my dream and waking up to find i needed to use the bathroom, to slightly more complex dreams of being naked for some reason while i was in public in school or the mall or someplace - which i interpreted that i was trying so hard to be someone else to fit in, i was afraid to show who i really was, afraid to be me with no mask on (signifying the nakedness)- i really believed that my dreams told me something. i found that in some dreams i could even wake myself up, especially in some scary ones..

another set of dreams i liked were the ones where i would meet a handsome stranger, and a romantic tale would ensue. whether in modern times, or in medieval times where i was a princess. this all was just my true desires in life. i wanted to be in a fairytale, i wanted to be in the stories that i read. i wanted adventure, something more to my life. and i found my escape in books, and my escape came real in my dreams.

however, sometimes, i find i would rather believe in belief #1 when it comes to some dreams. i find that the meaning i find from some dreams, i would rather believe were jsut random, not something that my mind needed to work out, or some secret desire i have hidden until my subconcious brings it into my dreams. i don't want to believe that such things lie within me. can they? or are these just really random dreams? with no significance. i would like to believe this, but i can't... so i just write them down, and push them from my mind, hoping that these dreams are not revealing a side of me i'd rather not know about.

anyhoo....dreams are interesting things..

average jane signing off...

i'm trying :)

2009-06-29T07:47:00.002-06:00

so hey.... i know i promised to blog more so here i am to write a little before i head off to class :) lol

so the past week suprisingly has gone by fast.... lol but pretty much all that i do now is go to class in the mornings and work at night.... lol can't wait til i don't have to work this job... lol it's an alright job when i have some project to do, or customers to help... but otherwise its boring..

but i've been working on studying for a test i need to take. so far it looks like i need lots more studying lol.... i do that on my free time at work... lol my work practically pays me to educate myself. it's awesome :) lol that's one good thing about having nothing to do. but then i sometimes have to watch out for the head guys at work, cuz they don't like us doing it. but my main supervisor doesn't seem to mind.

so.... taylorsville dayzz celebration was this weekend :) lol it was fun :) i got to watch a parade and run out in the street to get candy they threw out from the floats and cars :) lol jay thought i looked like a little kid doing so lol... but i had fun
then there was fireworks that night... saturday that is. i love watching fireworks. it was weird to think that just a year ago, me and jay were still dating and i had invited him to come to the fireworks with me :) wow.... it's so crazy :) lol

anyhoo, better pack up for class!!! i'll write more later this week :)

a new start

2009-06-16T08:20:00.004-06:00

Well, it's not really a new start.... just seems like it. it's been a while since i've posted... and the other blog i was gonna start posting more on, well , it is still down. and i really jsut felt like blogging today. probably should start with a recap of whats been going on in life since i last posted... well the important stuff...

so i last posted december. wow.... so long ago... thats about when i stopped really writing in my journal too... just kind of got busy i guess. Well, i survived the new years celebrations... which means i fell asleep at like 11 pm.... lol but it was my first new years being married :) lol so weird still to think of all these firsts. but then i quit my job and was done at steve regan co. on january 30th. I was going to school at the time and they had already paid for my semester, so i was set! it was awesome. so the classes i had were math 1010, chem 1010, and hlac 1096, which is a p.e. class... he he... i took it online !!! it was awesome :) but i passed all my classes with straight A's :) i was so proud of myself :) lol my first 4.0 since i began high school :)

but in about may i started a new job. :) i work now at the Bookstore at the University i will attend in fall. i work up in textbooks, which means i organize books and such... and help ppl find their books for their classes. right now it's really dead cuz its summer.... so dead... lol but the best part of the job will be having a job close to school in the fall... actually, the best part will be that i get to "check out" my textbooks, in a manner of speaking, when i start classes next fall. meaning i don't have to pay a cent for textbooks, i just borrow them from the bookstore and return them come end of semester. it will save me so much money... and i am so lucky...

oh i forgot to mention! i attended graduation at SLCC as a graduate. I am so stoked :) i can't wait to really be done there. they had the actual ceremony on May 8th. but i don't graduate until i finish these two classes i have this semester. i have math 1050 and soc 2370. my soc class is called Gender in Society. it is really a fun class.... i've only had two classes so far of it, but the professor is very knowledgable and says things that really makes you think.... it's really a good thing...

but yeah... so i will start at the U in the fall. i am so stoked! this is what i've dreamed of doing since i started high school. especially when my brother started there before his mission. but i will be majoring in English for certain. i am debating about whether to also minor in psychology or sociology. and also wondering if i should just do a double major and do it in either psychology or sociology.... seeing as i will be taking enough classes on my own just to fill spaces where i can't take english classes ... but yeah :)

as you can see, life is going good :) i can't imagine jay not being in it.

oh! i should update with how to things are with jay a bit. well, his work contract expires in august, so he is starting to apply for jobs around here... make sure that if they don't renew the contract, that he has something. i know he can find a job, cuz he is an incredibly smart man... lol it's awesome :) i am proud of him :) i don't think i mentioned that he passed 2 0r 3, i think, tests that he didn't think he would. it has brought him so close to getting all the certs you can get in the computer, or IT , business :) it's been great. Good job jay...

but life is fun, crazy busy. still, i promise i'll be on here at least once a week to update :)

averagejane signing off...

reflections over the last year...pt. 2

2008-12-09T12:44:00.004-07:00

okay so as my husband pointed out, i have not put up a part 2 yet! lol so i figure i better get on it ;)

i know it's been almost 3 weeks since my last post, but i'll try to follow up with what i was thinkin :)

i was kind of in a funk that night that i was posting so this will be a little different.. but the general idea is that the past year things have been crazy. i've done some things i'm not proud of... though they have made me stronger and into the person i am today. And, i've done some things, made some choices that have been the best times of my life. among those that i am most grateful for, is the moment i began dating jay. i'll admit that with the path i had been going down, that i didn't think i would find someone like jay, someone to love me despite all my faults and bad choices. it was funny too, cuz i realized how much i didn't know jay in high school. i found out we were so similar in what paths in life we had begun to walk down. or tumble down... as the case may be. lol but then by some chance he found me... and in turn we both began to see that there was a better path. one that was meant for us to walk together... and so we began it. on october 18th. the best day of my life, at this point. i'm sure i'll have many best days to add to that down the road. but yeah

so i know in the last post i was mostly dwelling on the bad stuff that had happened and that i had gotten into... so they weren't the worst things i could have done... but they were stuff i will avoid in the future. i won't dwell on them any more because there was this quote i found and it said, "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today." (Will Rogers) and ya know what? i realized that i do that all too often. i've been fallin into an old habit of letting small things bug me... and lingering on them. and it's been pullin me down. i need to just let go! and so here i go.... but oh... another good quote to go with that is "some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong, sometimes it's letting go" That one applies to a lot in my life.! honestly.

anyway.. this is my pt. 2 and final reflection over the past year. it's been a year of change and wonderful beginnings! i can't wait to see what this year brings :) (maybe a change in job :) i hope!)

but life is great! i love jay more than i thought possible! (i'll always be ur girlfriend, btw, jay :D )

averagejane signing off :)

reflections over the last year...pt. 1

2008-11-20T23:37:00.002-07:00

so my birthday is almost over... in about 22 min, i will just be back to normal life... no special day. lol not that this year felt any different to me... well that is adding a year, felt no different to me. but this year has been one crazy hell of a ride. it's kind of fun to look back. well, on most parts. i find there are many things in the past year i've done that i'm not proud of, some things i wish i could forget, some things i wish had never happened. yet as i sit here wishing they hadn't happened, i look at my life now, and what has brought me here. Almost every thing, big or small, that i wish had never taken place, wish i hadn't been stupid and naive enough to fall for, has brought me to the person i am today. Am i happy with who i am? mostly, yes i am. i sure am a lot happier as the person i am today, vs. the person i was 6-10 months ago. at the time, i was in denial, but i was on a path that i really was not truly happy on...sure i had fun, tried some things i had been dying to do...but did they really matter in the end? i mean, some things were just stupid and whatever. but some things, i really wish i had never had to experience... well...

now i have to head off to the twilight movie!!!! lol we got 12:30 pm showing tickets, cuz we were too late for the midnight showings...lol

i'll finish my thoughts on this when i get back...

averagejane signing off

election day

2008-11-04T15:46:00.002-07:00

hey...so i'm sittin here at work, feelin really restless....it's crazy... cuz i have work to do, so i shouldn't be bored...yet i am.. i want to type and such, but i don't want to type my work. i just want to babble on here...lol i know i'm crazy!

but so more on life and musings 'bout it. well today is election day! i voted! lol it was my first time really voting...like i voted in the preliminaries, but this time it was the real thing... like i was making a choice about the president for real. and other such offices in my state. i think the one thing i would do better next year would be to read more about the candidates and propostions and ammendment propositions... i was able to read a little, but i wish i had known more, as i ended up playin e-ni-me-ni-mine-e-oh...lol that's how i would say it...but in other words...i just had to guess. lol that probably isn't the best way. but yeah...

anyhoo..so we wait in anticipation of tomorrow to see who will be our next president. i'll admit that i'm leaning very much away from obama. i have to say that is in part because of that obama wants to shut down the NASA program and that would be sad :( but ya...

so the work day is almost over! yay...he he well close enough to over :) lol well g2g

average jane signing off..

musings about married life...

2008-11-03T16:30:00.003-07:00

hey... so it's the last hour of work... well actually now it's the last half hour :) yay!!!!

but i'm sittin here bored, so i figured i would blog!

well, life is going relatively well :) i must say life has been busy and there's been a lot of things to get used to so far. i'll admit a part of me misses the simplicity of life before. but at the same time it's worth the exchange for the life i have now. i'll admit there are trying times, but in the end it will all work out. it always seems to. and in the end i learn something and become a more adaptive person. it's hard on both of us to just learn to live with each other. lol i swear there are times i feel like i've screwed up, times i've failed jay. but then i see sometimes the feeling is mutual. and i'm learning even more about how we really need to communicate more. i thought i was doing good at that. but today i went and visited my family at lunch. and i kind of broke down. i am tired and sick today, and i've just been frustrated with little things and kind of let it all out. and my mom said to me, that i needed to discuss my frustrations with jay. that i needed to solve it with him. and it brought to mind something jay actually said to me about 3 weeks to a month before we got married. one night i was feeling like crap and ended up goin home early from his place. i did not leave in a good mood however. and it upset jay. and i wasn't sure how i felt at the moment either, whether i was running away from him particularyl or just wanting to be alone, away from anyone. and texting about it later, he said to me that he was worried that the same thing would happen after we were married, that i would leave him and go home to my mom. and i kind of came to when i was sitting there crying and realized that i need to remember that sometimes compromises need to be made and that i really need to work on my communication and that i can always improve in something...

but so i'm doing loads better now. i still feel sick, like i have a sore throat and a headache... but i'll be okay. cuz i'm skipping class tonight to get some rest. lol it also is an excuse to not do my presentation cuz i haven't managed to finish it cuz i've been sick this past few days... lol

well, g2g, work will be out soon :)

averagejane signing off...

tired lol

2008-10-18T02:09:00.002-06:00

so i figured i should blog while my ipod is uploadin a few songs... then it went really fast and now i'm actually tired... so i think i will sleep...

but first i just had to say...i'll be married in just under 16 hours...lol how crazy is that!!!?!?!? lol but it's cool and i'm tired...so 'til after my wedding and honey moon, i bid you all adieu!

averagejane signing off...

hi! i know it's been awhile :D

2008-10-03T17:05:00.001-06:00

hey! it's me...lol i know its' been a while...i've been busy...and now i'm stuck doing nothin at the moment at work, yet they won't let me go home :( anyhoo... let me explain...

So today is inventory day at my work. This means we close up our store to the public and we break up into teams of three or four ppl and count all the product in our store. however, we have way too much stuff to count it all in one day. so we have one or two days in october and one or two days in december. (or is it january....? ) anyhoo. so the key is the faster we get the count done the first day, then we may not have to come back on the second day... usually being on a friday/saturday combo... so here i sit having done both my count and audited another group's count...well partial audit cuz we couldn't find half the shit out there. that was the problem with our counting. we were assigned to a code that really only two guys know much about it... and they were dealing with the other 2/3 of the code... talk about screwed up.... but we eventually figured out the most of it. i was assigned to be just a writer... which was okay by me... lol i had a lot of codes to sort through to find the right one though...lol :) loads of fun.

but now i sit here with nothing to do. i am simply waiting for them to come and audit my codes and such. but they have to go through a few other ppl. i can't wait til i get to go. cuz then i get to go to jay's and watch a movie and eat some food...lol food sounds good. i'm also oober thristy lol been drinkin water and soda lots...

so life.... how has it been you may ask. busy! that pretty much sums it up... stressed and hectic also work well! But plans are coming along splendidly for the wedding. we have a place to have the ceremony and reception. we have jay's bishop that is goin to marry us. we will have a marriage license on monday :) hopefully... lol i have a dress, jay has a tux rented. my bridesmaids dresses are almost done, flowers ordered...cake ordered. announcements sent out yesterday/today... yah... most everything done.

as to life otherwise. lol there really hasn't been much other than wedding stuff for the past little while...lol except school and me packin up my room to move. school has been going decently. i've found that i can just go to class and read a book like whatever...( ie: Jane Eyre is what i've been reading lately...) just to get the attendance points and learn all i need to at home. i'm really learning nothing new in class. it's like a review of all i learned in jr. high.... and that's just sad that i already know all this stuff...i'm so bored. but then i go online and do the homework... i so could have taken this class online. which is what i'm considering doing for spanish 1020 ( i'm taking 1010). but yah...

then my other class is POLS 1100... which is american gov't and politics 101... it's really quite interesting i have to admit. we get into some really cool discussions and sometimes i feel like i know enough to actually put my opinion out there. the funny thing is that because of this class i find myself paying more attention to certain issues. like the whole bank bailout bill thingy... i find myself watchin the articles online to see what they are saying. i'm finding myself watching the stocks to see if they are going up or down in points, even though i don't get what the points really mean, besides that up is good and bad is down... lol but i really feel like i'm actually becoming more aware of things that i have wanted to know more about. that's why i'm glad that i was able to take this class. it does help also that jay knows somethings like this too...like some things with stocks and what is kind of going on in the political world....at least more than i do. it's kind of good. cuz that mixed with what i'm learning on my own helps me in my class. it's really quite neat! lol if i haven't mentioned that yet.

but yah...oh ! so i started packin up my room...it was quite funny actually. i knew right off that the most of my packing would be of my books and movies. the funny part is that i didn't realize that it would take all the boxes i had already collected, plus a few i borrowed from family..., to box just my books up! lol it was funny. then jay came over like last night. he saw the boxes and he said, " is that just your books?" lol i said yup! he kind of smiled and said... okay.. lol it was funny... but then again there won't be more than 4 or 5 more boxes with my other stuff... cuz i will probably end up throwing a lot of stuff out cuz they are worthless little trinkets i've gathered over the years... useless silly things. but i also got half my movies boxed up. gotta see if i have anymore just layin around the house.

so the first person just left... it's now 4:40 pm... i wish it was me leaving...however i aint that lucky...but it's all good. i got to work a little late...so it's okay. the reason i was late is silly though...at the time i was scared a bit though...or maybe shaken up is the better term. i was already runnin late and was gonna be about 5 min late... but then...well let me start from leaving my house.

so i left my house and was driving down to the main street, redwood road. i tried my little time saver move to turn right onto redwood and then flip a u-turn and head the other way...rather than waiting for a left turn light on my road. well i underestimated how fast a car coming my way on redwood was going, and decided to go for a quick turn. however, she was comin up way fast and i tried to speed up. the lady didn't even try to slow down until she was like 7 feet from hittin me. then she gets majorly pissed off at me! i know i made a stupid turn...i was at fault there honestly. but she didn't try to slow down til she almost hit me. then i take the first turn i can like up 50 feet into a parking lot. i decide to just take the back way back around and get back to where i can get to 47th south, which is the street i take to work. however, the lady comes up in her car next to me and speeds up to catch me and make me stop so she can yell at me from her car! totally scared the shit outta me. i thought for sure she was gonna do somethin to me. i mean i didn't even hit her or her hit me... there was no accident! and i kept sayin i'm so sorry! my bad! i'm sorry... and i was totally being sincere about it...honestly. finally the stupid b***** shut up! for a sec....she just sat glarin at me. i took that as my cue and left. she was still parked where i left her when i turned outta view. i really hope nothing bad will happen...i don't think there really is anything she can do. i mean...yeah i pulled in front of her and shouldn't have. but i didn't break any laws, i didn't cause an accident.. there's nothing she can get me on. and i said i'm sorry like at least 7 or 8 times. i was barely able to say that.... but yah... oh well, no use gettin worked up over it all.
anyhooo....still here and ppl are leaving...ugh...dang me having code six... oh well...well not much else to say. except i am so countin down the days! two weeks from tomorrow...lol
it's quiet here... i'm just listenin to the radio and such not too loud cuz there are a few ppl around...but i'm not worrying so much what i'm listening to... it's cool...cuz i think if i had to worry...i'd be so frickin bored!!! lol...97.1 zht is the best :) though i do love my U92...though i wouldn't risk listenin to that at work :) lol even with only a few ppl around lol...

well i'm just babbling now...so laters!!! :D

average jane out!

oh yeah! i love jay bunches!! lol a bushel and a peck!! :D he he he he he... (wow i am really tired ) lol

start of school again! :D lol

2008-08-21T15:35:00.003-06:00

okay, so i shouldn't be on here bloggin during work time :D but at the moment i think i'm safe from gettin in trouble lol...plus i'm really bored!

well, i guess it's time for another update on just another day in life of averagejane...lol

so school has begun yet again. and even though i totally was registering last min, i still was able to get into some of the classes i needed to take lol. i am taking spanish 1010 on mondays and wednesdays, Political science 1100 ( American Govt.) on tuesdays... and lastly i have a yoga class on thursdays! lol this is gonna be fun! i really am genuinely excited for my classses...as silly as that may seem... :D it's gonna be fun to work around with my wedding though...lol

as to wedding details too...lol me and jay have finally, of sorts, set a concrete date. we are planning for October 18th! lol i hope that that will stay as our date. hopefully it will also work out for jay's brother to come up that day. I am actually really excited as i have found a first and second choice for where we can have the wedding...lol i hope my first choice works out as i really like the place just from the pictures. but me and jay hopefully will be able to go check it out this saturday...

hmm...and other news with me. well, i have been sick with a funky cold this past week here. today is the first day i've been really startin to feel better! lol it's cuz i finally had my mom help me find some stronger drugs lol :D turns out that the cold meds we have been buying are missing an ingredient they used to have :) lol psuephedrine i believe it's called. seems that ppl are using it to make meth! lol who'd a thunk? lol so you can still get it as an "over-the-counter" drug...but you jsut have to go to the pharmacist and show ID and sign for it lol :D so now i'm doin better.

lol but yea.. also , i'll be bloggin for the first time in a bit on jay's blog! lol he added me as an author :D so feel free to check it out :D

laters...
averagejane signing off :D

when harry met sally...or somethin like that :)

2008-08-14T22:55:00.002-06:00

so i guess some of you have been waiting for details on the engagement lol :D so here goes...

well, about a month or so ago, jay told me about this cool meteor shower that i totally had to see :) and of course i said, if i can convince my parents to let me out til 3 or 4 in the morning watching it, and get work off the next day...i totally want to come :) why wouldn't i? lol more time to spend with jay. anyhoo...so that day finally came...august 11th at about midnight..

i was so stoked to go watch the meteor shower. jay came to my house around 11:20 pm to pick me up...originally it was gonna be midnight...then he just had to get outta his house earlier so he came over :D i was just watchin titanic cuz i've never seen it. so then i went out to meet him and we headed up. i was smart enough to at least bring a jacket and a blanket lol. but not smart enough to wear real shoes! :O i wore flip flops...lol anyhoo.

so we drove up to a little town just west of park city. it was called pinebrook i believe. for those of you familiar with jeremy ranch, it was that exit. there is this cute little park in the town that we went to. we first off went and laid on the grass. it was wet cuz the lawn was in the process of being watered by sprinklers....thank goodness we had a blanket that was okay to lay on the wet grass and wouldn't soak through lol. but it was cold! lol i know it probably really wasn't too cold temperature wise...but when you've been used to like 100 degree weather...lol

but after laying there for around 20 min, jay says to me that there's this park bench on the other side of the park, and that we should go watch the meteors from there. so we head in the general direction of it...though it was hard to see cuz it was way dark. lol thank goodness i noticed there were three big sprinklers in our path so we could divert and not get wet and more cold than it already was :D so we eventually got to the little path that led to the bench. as we got closer i noticed that it had a little wood covering over it. it was cute and i remember thinking..."that will get in the way of our view of the stars, but okay...lol" and as we got even closer, i noticed the little candles lining the pathway right directly to the bench and remarked, "oh what cute little candles!" lol i was oblivious (i found out later that jay had to keep so hard from laughing at my total cluelessness...lol and he was worried i would figure it out too soon...lol) but then jay stopped and turned and pulled me to him. he gave his little speech about how he loved me and other cute little things for my ears only...lol (sorry ppl) but then he reached into his jacket pocket, and went down on one knee. that's the moment when my head screamed "oh my god...ohmygod~!" lol over and over...and he asked me to marry him. and i of course said yes, with tears beginning to stream down my face ...*tears up remembering* it was so cute and i had planned to jokingly tell him no when he proposed, but there really was no way i could say no....not even joking...

so i am now officially the almost happiest and luckiest girl in the world! lol i say almost, cuz i will be the luckiest girl in the world when i am Mrs. Amy Shepherd...lol anyhooo...in anticipation of the question most everyone will ask, we are tentatively thinking mid-october for the wedding....lol

oh and i found this cute quote online from the movie When Harry Met Sally. lol it goes "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. " thats how i feel!! :D

and one last other piece of news i just received tonight lol i have another engaged friend! my friend courtney richins is engaged! lol i just hope she knows i'm so happy for her :D

well i need sleep. my brother comes home tomorrow. loads to do :D

OMG!!!

2008-08-12T03:14:00.003-06:00

lol okay...i know it's like 3 in the morning...but this totally warrants a blog post...lol especially since i haven't blogged in a little while! and the title of this blog pretty much sums up how i'm feelin at the moment ! lol lol but....

I'M ENGAGED!!!! lol it's so awesome, exciting, scary...amzing....lol just a whole jumble of things. it feels weird to be writing this...to be thinking of jay shepherd, the love of my life, as my fiancè....lol like i'm so stoked, but my head is still havin troubles wrappin around the idea! lol i think i'm still in shock mode, as this is not what i expected! lol not this soon...lol can't wait til tomorrow...lol and i do mean tomorrow...lol i get to show my ring off at work! lol it's so cute! lol just simple and silver, with a cute little delicate diamond...lol i love it! lol

well, i'm gonna close. i'll write more details when i wake up later today! :D lol

one last note...actually. lol it's funny cuz i can't seem to keep a smile off my face. lol i'm jsut so giddy and full of energy..which is why i'm still up! lol i love jay....

laters

averagejane signing off! :D life is fantabulous...i'm engaged and have a fiancè! lol gotta keep sayin that to get used to it :D lol

hickeys...he he

2008-07-29T11:44:00.004-06:00

Lol so here i am at work. i know i probably should not be goofin off on the net...but i just thought i'd blog a sec. lol

so let's just say that i have a few lovely little hickeys..lol not the first time. but i got one of the funniest responses today, from a customer. lol just to explain a little, i have a few along the line of my neck/collarbone...hehe... and i actually am wearing a higher collared shirt so they don't show as much. but the the collar keeps slippin a bit low.anyhoo, so this guy says to me, " did you get attacked by a vacuum?" lol i just kinda laughed and said " somethin like that." lol then he said, "nasty little suckers." lol it really made me laugh. he didn't say anything else, and then went on his way. so i assume he knew that they were hickeys...lol but yeah... that was my laugh for the day..

i think i've had some funny responses the last time i got a major hickey or two...lol i had the ladies in my office making fun of me..lol my favorite has to be Connie's reaction. She is probably late 50's to mid 60s...and she said to me, " back in my day, we would get them where you couldn't see them, where you could hide them." lol that totally made me laugh. i mean, jsut imagining her having to even need to hide a hickey! lol to be honest, i could see it...lol but it's just too dang funny...

oh yeah...then today, the ladies noticed somewhat of my current hickeys...lol made some comment about "did you notice the little trail on her neck?" lol kind of said it a bit softer than normal...lol but just almost a stage whisper...like to see if i noticed them lol it was funny.

lol oh and then i was telling my friend Callie, here at work, about the guy's reaction from this morning. and she said i should tell my boyfriend that real love doesn't need to leave a mark...lol it was cute! i might tell him that. :D then i told callie that well, i'm half to blame...hehe. anyhoo...lol

well that's all for now...good times :D i'm lucky today cuz my boyfriend is coming by to take me to lunch! yay! can't wait to see him! well, 'til later!

averagejane signing off

just silly me

2008-07-26T23:29:00.003-06:00

well...here i am again, not like a month since my last post...lol let's just say i got home early and i'm in a blogging mood...but what else is new? lol

tonight has been a total flip of the the other night. i was freaking out and would have been okay if jay had left early and had some time to think to myself...tonight, i didn't want to leave. it's crazy. i guess now that i've had my major freak out, i should be okay for a while. i can't wait though, for that night that i don't have to say good bye. that i can just curl up in his arms, say goodnight and know i'll wake up next to him in the morning.

funny thing my mom actually said to me, she asked me if i was going to keep up this habit of late nights when i get married...lol i told her not so much. you see, i don't have to say goodbye, so i don't have to stay up all night with him, cuz i don't want him to leave. lol she didn't believe me, said i already had a habit of late nights! lol i told her she was silly :D i don't stay up late.... ;)

but yeah. i'm back at the point where it makes me really sad to say goodnight..but, it's all good...lol i'm strong. lol and i'll see him again in about 8 hours...lol well a little over 8 hrs...lol

i find that because i've been getting home late, i neglect my journal writing and my blogging, as i do my best writing at night...plus its the most convenient time to write...i also find my mind opens up most at night. that can be a good or bad thing...and sometimes scary. cuz i find my mind wandering where i really don't want to think about, cuz my thoughts can be somewhat depressing...other times, i find myself overthinking things, or thinking about things that i can worry about later...then again, there is usually one thing i enjoy thinking about, cuz it has to do with my best friend, the love of my life...the one i can't wait to have forever with! lol yeah...i'm guilty, i'm planning my wedding in my head...lol kind of funny, cuz growing up, i was a helpless romantic. yet, i was not the kind of girl that sat there and planned out exactly what her colors were, what her dress looked like, where she was getting married, how the reception area was decorated, etc. i had bits and pieces that when i saw cute ideas, that i would kind of store away for later...but now, i find myself looking at my friends weddings for ideas...lol like i had one friend just get married. she had her reception in an LDS church building cultural halll ( AKA.. the gym area). and she had this fabric draped over canopy style that was incredibly cute! LOL and i kind of said to jay...hmm...that is cute...and started thinking about it...lol but that's just silly me...

but yeah...probably should go write in my journal....

lol average jane signing off....

( love you jay....kisses) lol

dunno...

2008-07-24T01:05:00.002-06:00

so i know i should be getting to sleep. after all i have to be up again in just under six hours...lol but here i am, half falling asleep, half wide awake, and fully in a blogging mood....

well, i know earlier this week, jay told me i needed to update my blog cuz i haven't written since the 5th...lol he's one to talk as he hasn't written anything since the 18th, of june...lol

so maybe i'll start with an update and see where that takes me.

wow...to be honest i don't know where to begin..my thoughts are all a jumble and can't seem to place any of it in some sort of order. guess i'll just start with whats foremost on my mind at the moment.

last week, i went on vacation with my family down to Moab, Utah...lol i know. not very far, but it was a small escape. However, wasn't the most brilliant plan as it was actually hotter than in Salt Lake. lol my idea to go there...silly me. But, i did mostly enjoy the trip. we got to see Arches and Canyonland, which i hadn't been to in 3 years almost. i got to convince my family to go to the fiery furnace cuz it really is a beautiful spot to explore. i really did enjoy the trip, once i got past missing jay so much. it's kind of funny. you don't really realize how much you see of a person, how much you take for granted, until you have to be apart. we were apart for a week and a half. yet i literally went crazy. on vacation...i was in a pissy mood half the time, a quarter of the time sluggish, and the last quarter, trying to focus on music and takin pictures so i wouldn't be pissy or sluggish. it took real effort to make it through the week i was in Moab. my family noticed it. i was texting him when i could, yet it was not enough. i talked to him a few times, which actually helped. kind of calmed me down, was good to know he was going as crazy as me. one time, as hard as this is to admit, i broke down. i don't know if being tired added to it all, but i was talking to my mom and she said to me, " you miss him huh..." and i replied "yeah..." and lost it. started to cry a bit as i was telling her how crazy i was going... its an odd feeling, yet good cuz it means i'm feeling something...that this all is the real thing. cuz why would i miss him so much if it wasn't love. i guess others could have their opinion on that. but, this missing him was different from mising anyone else. i just wanted to see him, to feel his arms around me. to know that he was still there and still loved me. thats all... the phone calls eased this ache.

i finally lost it though on sunday. i couldn't eat, cuz i knew i would only be eatin out of boredom and nothing else to do. i had things to do in my room, yet i couldn't concentrate. i thought maybe i'd watch a movie, but i couldn't focus enough to decide on one. i finally resorted to balancing my checkbook, with minimal concentration. i was in a funk and lost. i had finally gone over the edge. it was the weirdest feeling. my life felt...empty...pointless without him. i felt as if i just needed him there to be able to function. i've never felt so helpless in my life.

finally the day came that he returned. tuesday night. work was torture. i should have been able to focus on work cuz i was busy...but my mind was counting down the hours...the minutes...til he would be home. i even stayed after work to try and focus my mind elsewhere while i waited, as i knew i would just fall off the deep end if i waited at home. then finally....he was home. when he came to my house, the first thing i did was hurry out the door and pull him into a big hug, then of course kissed him. my life was back together...

we now have vowed never to spend more than 4 days apart. we can't handle it. he was going just as crazy as me while he was gone. Oh, btw, while i was gone on vacation, so was he. He, unfortunately was gone 3 days longer than me.... but it's all good now.

then, tonight...i had my first real "freak-out" about my relationship with jay. with me, a freak-out is bound to happen in any relationship. most often it ends in me breaking up with the guy because i get to a "what the hell am i doing" kind of realization. i've always broken up with the guy, not the other way around... so i guess it's been a bit easier for me. but, this freak-out point really threw me for a loop. it wasn't at all like the other few had been. there is that part of me that is saying "what the hell are you doing!" while the other is saying..." you love him, he loves you. what else do you need?" it's weird really. especially how it all went. because like all of today and yesterday, i've been having these freak out thoughts. like "you had your future all planned...finish college, get a degree, get a good job, make mega bucks, don't even think about marriage til 25 yrs old. etc." the one typical freak out thought. yet tonight started out normal. i was glad to be with jay, just content...then as we were heading back to my house, it was like something just switched in me. something snapped. i decided to walk in the middle of my residential street to home. it was about midnight...so the street was kind of empty. jay kept trying to get me to come back to the sidewalk, but i wouldn't be persuaded. i was kind of pissy and said i want to walk in the middle of the f---in' street...so he walked by me for a bit, then kind of gettin the distance i was mentally away...he went back to the sidewalk. i was reminded of when friends and i had walked these streets. how i was the crazy, independent girl. the one cool girl in the ward, according to my foster boy friends...lol good times. and a part of me misses that...life was a little more carefree then. i didn't care really what i was doing, it just happened. i didn't care about much of what i did... and it scares me a bit, to find myself feeling like i'm losing that crazy independent girl. becoming the girl that loses it when she is away from her guy too long. scares her that she needs someone in her life to make it complete. i was always saying that even though i was a helpless romantic, i needed no guy to complete my life. i always prided myself on being the one who loved less in relationship, that it was easier for me to detach myself once i freaked out...once i got bored. yet here i am, so blatantly gone. and that in itself scares me. yet through all this, jay remains a rock. i sat there just babblin away about all of this to him tonight... and he just listened...and told me he loved me. i told him he had to be crazy to love me....lol and yet one thing overall keeps me sane through all this, the fact that even though i am freaking out, i love jay. i cannot imagine having to live without him. with tonight, i think mostly i just needed to voice my freak out thoughts...i felt so much lighter, and much more calm and composed. jay just listened and when i was done, just pulled me to him and held me...and i just stayed there in his arms, content to be there, not needing anything else.

isn't it crazy how life can switch so fast....i say i love change and i do, yet major changes throw me for a loop. i can last a little while, but eventually it all catches up to me, and lets just say i suck dealing with change...that is one of my biggest weaknesses...oh well. i cope with it.

well, i think i've written my first short story :) lol this would be my cue to stop. as i am actually starting to fall asleep now. which is good. i need to be able to crash and just rest.

i close this, my diary of jane....

stir crazy...missin ppl

2008-07-05T18:49:00.002-06:00

so i've been crazy busy today. i actually made myself get up at 7:30 ish, when my body woke me up. crazy i know. and then i just set to cleaning my room. lol got that done, organized my books, and then set about to actually vacuuming my room. crazy isn't it. i haven't vacuumed it in several weeks and god knows it needed it. not that it was disgustin or anything, just in need of sucking up little crumbs and bits of paper and dirt and such. it was actually nice to feel like i had cleaned all that. the next task i set out to tackle was to wash my flip flops. gross...lol but i wanted to wear them so it needed to be done. so i went to go wash them in the tub and was pulling back the shower curtain, when some of the grime on the shower curtain got on my hands...ICK!!!!! yah that was the motivation to finally take that down and wash it. now i couldn't throw both pieces of the curtain into the washer, unfortunately. no i had to take the plastic liner and hand wash it! lol i know heaven forbid i do things like hand washing something! lol so i took it out on the deck and set about tryin to blast off the more grosser parts with my handy hose...lol then i got a scrubber brush and some ajax cleaner. took me a while, but i finally finished it. lol then there was the matter of rinsing off all the cleaner stuff. cuz the water jsut kind of pooled on the curtain...kind of reminded me of a slip 'n slide. lol i was ready to get out a tarp and make a slip n slide! lol but yah... so then i ingeniously hung the curtain from my roof, like the overhanging part, and sprayed it down and let it dry.

lol while it dried i decided to go shoppin for some other things. went to albertson's for some frisby pizzas, went to walmart for a scrubber, went to party city for sparkler candles, then to zurchers for some friendship bracelets. lol found the coolest thing there too!~! lol i found chinese jump ropes!!! i totally was stoked to see those~!! i havent' had one since elementary and i was in fact talking with my family about them the other day and i commented on how i couldn't find them anymore, wasn't even sure they sold them anymore. so i was overzealous and bought four of them! lol they were only like a buck a piece! lol so then i came home and had lunch...then napped. i was pretty worn out. just as i was laying down to nap though, got a text from jay...lol told me how he had fun horseback riding...lol i want to ride a horse someday...lol sure i will!

so then i got up about 4:30 and finished off my pizza for dinner. then i went about getting my shower curtain back up, cleaned more of my bathroom, then finally tackled cleaning my flip flops. i decided to be smart about it and just tackle half of them, seeing as i'm not sure i would have the patience to tackle them all. lol i have like 15 or so pairs i think. i need a few new ones cuz some are looking a bit ragged...lol anyhoo..

so then i just kind of started texting ppl while i was cleaning my flip flops...i kind of was starting to go stir crazy in my house...needing to get out...i first texted my boyfriend...took him a bit to answer...lol he was headed back from riding horses....lol he must be tired. i was missing him though. its crazy cuz i just saw him the night before. but i just was missing him . and i hate texting him much though, cuz i don't know why, but i just sometimes get the feeling that maybe he is just sick of me, or doesn't really wanna talk to me. i don't think this is really the case, but this feeling comes from the impersonal feeling of texting someone. like you can't get their tone of voice from a text, or their facial expression or anything...and i just worry too much.

so when i didnt' hear from my boyfriend at first, i texted my friend, ty, to see what was up with him. he didnt text back....so i texted my sister rachel. she texted back first...so i chatted with her. and we ended up setting up plans to go to a movie tonight... i need to get outta my house. i think i'll go crazy otherwise. cuz i'm just sick of being here. and i am missing jay...lol i need to get my mind on something else. i am crazy...

lol well...so today went okay... but i gotta go now, gonna meet my sista for a movie...

laters....

lure of the dark side

2008-07-04T00:02:00.002-06:00

so...i can honestly say i'm the happiest i have ever been. my life is almost perfect. i say almost cuz there are still hard days at work (lol) and still waiting for "someday" to come. (sorry no more explanation on that...) but i'm patient..sometimes. right now is one of those times.

just got in about a half hour ago from being with jay...lol i'm devilish...lol nevermind. but, i was high on cloud nine, then i heard a snippet of a song i absolutely love. however, it also has connection to my life before...before jay, before i realized where my life was headed. and i guess a part of me still thinks that maybe part of where i was headed wasn't too bad. i guess a part of me is still drawn to the dark and dismal. still wanting to just lose myself in it. the song that i heard part of is called "bring me to life" by evanescence. for those of you not familiar with it. let me paste in the lyrics here... of course it's better with music.

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to lifeI've been living a lieThere's nothing inside
Bring me to life

you know...just posting the lyrics i've also gained some more insight into the song. it's dark and dismal...yet, it's talking about love. like this girl feels like she is dying without her love near. she feels as nothing without him...kind of depressing love...but still...anyhoo...

so this song really was my song for a while, or at least i felt it is. at points in my life, i felt as if i was pretty much nothing...that i really was just a disappointment to my parents. that i wasn't the daughter they had wanted. for some reason that hurt, and my way of dealing with it was to just be a bigger disappointment. to just go do something else stupid. whether they knew i did it or not. staying out at a guy's place til 3 am once...stupid, but then i also felt my parents didn't notice or care, so i kept doing it. led to things i didn't want. things that i'm now strong enough to do something about, instead of being a coward and saying nothing.

i am a different person than i was a year ago. some better, some stronger....some parts a bit worse. some worse for the wear. however, this is me. i better get used to it. i have some amzing things that have come to me. some amzing ppl. ones i hope to never to have to find how i'll live without them

i also find it amzing to think about the dark side...how alluring it is. what is it about the dark things that lure us in? get us caught in a tangled web. one so crazy sometimes we wonder if we will ever get out. one so appealing that we wonder if we really want to leave, ever want to escape. i know that many times in my life i've gotten hooked into it. not really wantin to leave. still do some days. then something comes outta nowhere and pulls me out. usually it's jay. i somehow get into a funk, then i'll see him. he'll pull a goofy grin and i just can't help but pull outta that dark place i was in. and half the time, or more, i don't think he knows i was in that dark place of mine. he thinks i just look serious all the time...oh well, he knows now. it's crazy though. just how easy it is to fall, how easy it is to just not want to get up, to just stay there forever....

a song just popped to mind. when i told a friend just today, how serious things were between me and my boyfriend, he asked me, "can you see yourself with anyone else?" and i told him right off...."no. i can't". and he asked me..." are you sure? cuz that is very important" and i thought i was sure of myself, yet for some reason, just his "are you sure" sent my mind a flurry. like i had stated my answer at first with no hesitation....but then the logical part of my mind kicked in. i've only known this guy really and truly a month and a half...is that well enough to decide if i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him? and hence the song that popped in my head. it's from cinderella. pretty much this is how it goes, " do i want want you because you're beautiful? or are you beautiful because i want you? ....do i want you because you're wonderful? or are you wonderful because i want you? are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream? or are you really as wonderful as you seem" yeah...kind of pretty well describes my thoughts... do i want to be with him, cuz i just want to be with someone...or do i want him because i love him, because i care for him most in this whole world. and you know....i love him...i know that with all of my heart. i just worry and such over the most silly things. i think over things too much...one of my faults...i let my head take over when i need to listen to my heart.

but i bet you all can just guess now from seeing my style of writing, what time of day i write each post. you'll find my more thought provoking, deep, dark, dismal posts i post later at night. it's when my mind truly comes alive. the funny, cute, just crazy posts, more often than not come during the day. lol

well i really should sleep....laters...happy fourth of july
averagejanesigningoff....

lots to think about

2008-06-25T16:48:00.002-06:00

so this has beena most interesting day at work. by interesting, i don't necessarily mean a good interesting...it began with me being told that cindy, our purchasing agent is no longer with us....meaning she was fired. i was shocked! this is so sudden...she was just into work yesterday and when she left work, i would not have guessed i would not see here again. even to come clean out her office. but now she is gone and i wished i had told her how much i really did like her. but yah...it's made me think a lot today. kind of made me a little worried about my job and think of what a friend of mine, who was fired from here about 7 or 8 months ago, told me. he said to watch my back and just be prepared in case i ever had to really worry about my job. and now ....i dunno...just a bit worried, while at the same time okay... cuz i know i am doing okay...trying to do the best i can in my position...

then another person was also just fired today. dustin, a guy in the warehouse. and then i look at all those fired in the past month or so. robert, derek, dustin, cindy. and it's weird. this is the most ppl we have ever fired like this. like i mean we have fired maybe 2 or 3 warehouse guys the whole time i've been here. then, now we have fired 3 in a month and also a higher up person. it's just like wow... makes me really look at how i am doing in my job and just trying to keep doing the best i can.

anyhoo...not so depressing! this is a really good day! i am in a fantastic mood and not falling asleep! lol well gotta go...lol laters!

averagejane signing off! :D

hm....

2008-06-24T22:49:00.000-06:00

so i told jay i wouldn't stay up too late...in fact he made sure i was home so i could get some sleep. and i promise i will but not until i update. i'm in a blogging mood...lol but this won't be a long one.

every night it is getting harder and harder to say goodbye. i know that it's only for a day...but still. i want to be with him every moment! lol i know....crazy huh...Amy this crazy over a guy. didn't think it was possible. i've already passed the point in relationship where i would have normally gotten bored. i would have broken up with him a week or two ago if this was any normal relationship...but it's not. it's a million times better, more real. it's the real thing...can't think of any other way to put it. this is the kind of relationship that will last. the kind that makes you actually okay with growing old, cuz you know that you will have someone to grow old with. someone who will love you no matter what. someone that you will love no matter what. someone who can never get enough of you...that just seeing them, being in their arms is all that matters. life is complete when they are around. sure you are still your own person with your own ideas, your own dreams. but, when you are with them, it's like that missing piece you have been searching for, is suddenly there and you see the whole picture...see what this life is all about. see what love truly means.

over the past few weeks i've been stumbling across some quotes about love. some i've used in my IM screen name. some have been in jay's. however my two fav. are below

"When you are in Love, you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams." ~Dr. Suess

"Love isn't something that you find. Love is something that finds you." ~Loretta Young

but ya...it's crazy...i always told myself i have too many dreams to let a guy get in the way of them. i have too many places to travel to. just gonna forget about romance. then, along came jay. to be honest, i really was like oh he's jsut a friend, someone to have some fun times with. and now that it's gotten so serious between us, i kind of look back on that "2nd date" (lol) and just laugh... but also to be honest. how i feel scares me. and i guess i'm still a bit scared to let go completely and let my heart lead, cuz another part of me still looks at all the dreams i have and doubt. it's hard. way hard....but, a thought came to mind. there is some movie where the mom is telling her kids about the dreams dad gave up to marry and have a family. so i guess it goes both ways, in giving up dreams, or at least packing them away. but, my heart is winning still, no matter. i love jay and i would give up most anything to be with him. i guess this is also about growing up. realizing that sometimes you have to put away some dreams, at least for now, for better things to come. and maybe your dreams will change...i know mine have a bit in part...like i used to just say i would travel the world alone. because i had my own agenda, no one else would want to do what i wanted. but now i want to share that with jay. i mean i still want to have my own adventures and travels...but i want to share most of them with jay...

well, now that i've admitted that i'm scared and such...i'll close this entry.

i shout this out into cyberspace first. Jay Shepherd, I love you with all of my heart. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

averagejane signing off!

shouting from the rooftops...sorta!! :D

2008-06-15T23:47:00.002-06:00

okay...so i know that i should be getting to bed but i had to blog at least one part of tonight...lol i love being with Jay. i do crazy stuff you read about in books, but never think you'll actually do. but you all have probably heard, or read of, in books or through friends, of the whole being so in love, you want to shout it from the roof tops! lol well, we didn't exactly shout it from the rooftops...lol we were up in millcreek canyon and as we were just about down from the hike, to the start of the trail, jay stops and says "i've always wanted to do this!" lol so then he shouts at the top of his lungs, "I'M IN LOVE!!!!!" it was about 10ish pm. lol there were i think two hikers still a bit behind us...lol so then, totally acting on impulse, on a giddy feeling, i yelled at the top of my lungs, "I LOVE JAY SHEPHERD!!!" lol it was so funny~ i totally laughed and was like i can't believe i did that... but it was so cute, and then jay said do you know any good rooftops? lol that was funny. but one of the most memorable parts of the night... of course anytime i am with jay, it is always memorable...always the best! lol

had a good discussion on the trail about fate and destiny...lol talked about our "later boxes" lol totally between us...lol i hope i never lose him! cuz i never want to let go...never thought it was possible to love someone so much, to want that happily ever after forever. now i've found it, and let me jsut say it's better than all those fairytales...by 100% lol :D

sending all my love to jay...
averagejane signing off...

life is crazy!

2008-06-10T23:02:00.001-06:00

so here i am sitting at work falling asleep. so why not try to stay awake by updating about the fun this past weekend! lol JK.

well, let's see...i wrote friday so i'll begin with saturday. saturday was quite the adventure! it was crazy, fun and tiring. the day began at 8:20 am...lol i was awoken to a text from my boyfriend, jay. he he. it was funny cuz usually i am already awake. but it was just funny. :D so then i got outta bed and got to cleaning house! lol that's kind of one of the stipulations of saturday. jobs are a requirement to be done before going out with friends. the jobs are easy though, like clean the kitchen and do dishes. and clean front room and the bathroom. :D but yah got those done with no problem. then around 1:30ish i went geocaching with jay, and we brought my parents along with us!! lol it was fun actually. we originally had just planned on bringing my dad, but then jay said to invite anyone that wanted to come. so it ended being me and jay, & my mom and dad. lol at first it was a little odd...lol but it was really entertaining to watch my dad get so excited about using the GPS...lol then just about as entertaining was to watch my mom get all confused and worried about using the gps and not sure as to what direction it was telling us...lol jay totally took it all in stride...

------------------------------------------------

okay so back a day later to finish this...lol didn't have as much time as i thought yesterday :D so here goes...

well, left off at our geocachin adventure :D well, the really fun part, (not) he he, was when we had to go into this totally mosquito infested spot...lol i think i totally got like 10-20 bites just from there, and that is the most i've had in like a year or two...lol maybe more..but ya..we all survived! i was the only one dumb enough to wear shorts! he he. that's where i got most of my bites. so yah. then we got finished with them all by about 4:30 or 5 pm. fun stuff...then i had a break to go home, clean up, have dinner, and then get all purdied up for my cousin's wedding reception. jay was invited to come along and i got to see him all spiffed up again! lol he was totally wanting to match my outfit, so he was disappointed when i told him i would be wearing a pink dress, cuz he had no tie or shirt that really went with that....( of course he was thinking light pink...lol)
but so me and jay drove up to the reception separate from my family, cuz we had plans to go elsewhere after. so we got there actually a bit before they did, we even were early to the reception cuz we were to help with the refreshments. lol i felt bad at first cuz i was enlisting jay's help like that, but he assured me he was totally okay with it. in fact, he told me that even if he had been asked simply as a normal guest, he would probably have been asking how he could help...lol that's just jay for ya! :) but yah, so me and him ended up manning the water table and making sure all the guests had water to go with the dessert. lol the dessert was funny, to me. my cousin just wanted ice cream sandwiches with chocolate sauce drizzled over it, then with chocolate strawberries on the side. it actually turned out looking kind of cool. lol liked the strawberries. then what was funny is that there was a table with candy in jars, and there were spoons to dish it all out and help yourself! lol loved that table. they had mini gummy bears and me and jay munched on those. lol but overall, it was really cool.

oh! and finally like just before the whole thing ended, my cousin threw the bouquet!! lol i was joking with jay about catchin it...lol then his comment to me, " if you catch the bouquet, so help me..." really made me go out there to catch it. lol i even had to lean over the little girlie's heads to get it. lol but no one got hurt! lol so then after i caught it, i turned and looked at jay and he was shaking his head, kind of blushing and laughing...lol he kind of ducked out of sight for a bit. lol it was great to see his reaction! lol made me really laugh. found out afterwards that my mom actually looked his way and gave him a look as i caught it. lol then we convinced him to go out and catch the garter...there were three single guys there...lol my other cousin actually ended up gettin the garter . lol jay didn't try. he he. i think we embarrassed him lol. but it's all good. my aunt of the cousin whose reception it was, she said to me and jay, "you only have to catch one for it to work" meaning since i had caught the bouquet, we still could get married...lol gotta love family!! :D lol oh and i had one cousin askin my sister how she felt about me almost gettin married. lol it's funny what ppl assume he he...no matter. so that was the reception. me and jay left shortly after that.
so then, we were supposed to go to tyler's place so jay could look at his computer...and watch the first star trek, but tyler had to cancel last minute. so jay called up mel. and within the next half hour we were at her place, and ready to begin introducing me to star trek..lol ( the new star trek movie comes out in may, supposed to have been christmas this year, so jay told me i have to be completely up to date by then, cuz we are going to the midnight showing of it...lol ....in costume! he he) anyhoo. i got to be all comfortable and cuddle with jay! :D total bonus! lol i have to admit though...i was sorta fallin asleep during the movie...lol partly my own fault cuz i was tired... but it was a little hard to get into the movie. (sorry jay! ;D lol) but yah so then went home, got home by about 1 am...

hmm...sunday..that was the interesting day. i had an appt with my bishop for 4:15, that almost conflicted with jays plans so he couldn't be with me for my appt...but i was glad he was there to just see the face of the one i loved after that interesting ordeal. so the funny part is that jay showed up to my church and was waiting for when me when i got out. talk about a pleasant surprise. i wanted to just run up and hug him but i refrained..lol so then we jsut walked and talked for about an hour, then i had to go to my appt. Then i actually ended up waiting there for about a half hour or so more til i got to go in. but it went okay. i was glad to be able to come out to see jay sittin there. he is an amazing guy, more than i deserve. but i'm glad he's sticking around. :)

jay also ended up staying and listening to my lesson for FHE...lol it was on journals. it was one thing i could semi-teach about on short notice he he. then we just chatted a bit. and he had to get home. it was a good day. i love feeling that he will always be there for me. :)

then yesterday! lol what a fun day! i really had a great day. first off work went really good. not too busy for a monday. then i survived until closing time. about 4 pm though, i texted my friend elise who i had kind of neglected. i totally told her i would call her on thursday night and spaced it til the next day and then promptly forgot after remembering...i'm a terrible friend. but then i was all like what's up? and she kind of sent short texts back and i kind of got the idea she was mad at me. and i felt guilty. then she half joking said, you can stop by work and say hi! lol she works out in riverton while i'm in murray. nevertheless...i totally went to her work as soon as i got off and ended up spending about 40 min. there. i'm glad i did it cuz it gave us time to jsut chat and catch up a bit. i loved it. but then, i got a text from jay saying...what's new...lol i waited about 20 min til i texted him back cuz i was still with elise..lol but then i went home, beat jay home lol, and then we went over to tyler's place. jay looked at his laptop...while me and ty started on star trek 2...lol it is actually a good show. about halfway through the movie, jay was finished diagnosing ty's computer, so i went and got to cuddle next to him. :D yah...he he. so i was really comfortable and enjoyed the movie. enough to watch the 3rd one right after...lol as that movie went on we got more relaxed. soon we were laying on the couch watching the movie. talk about comfortable@! lol i kind of fell asleep for maybe 5 or 10 min...lol. but it was so comfortable in his arms, i feel i could have stayed there forever....:) anyhoo, eventually had to get home...lol but that was that night.

tonight...i got to go watch jay rehearse for his play. it's gonna be an interesting play...lol can't wait to see it all in costume and all the set...lol :D some parts of the play i laughed at cuz they reminded me of jay and me. lol jay knows what i mean...lol coolio stuff...it was funny. cuz i was kind of included some in the joking in between running the rehearsal. lol one bit made me blush profusely@!@ lol jay says it's cute...lol i'll take his word for it. oh the funny thing about blushing though, is when i do blush, you know it. i go beet red! like no in between blush...it's all the way. lol anyhoo...i enjoyed myself. but, then the fun of having to say goodbye. i have the hardest time. but tonight i told myself that i really needed rest. of course then i come hop on the net. lol but almost finished.. i need sleep. its just i need to say real quick here. i love jay, more than i thought i could ever love anyone. it's the purest, sweetest, most amazing feeling in the world. and i have it :) i smile just to hear his voice, to see his face. my knees go weak at his kisses and i can't seem to think straight. i stay up long hours, just to be with him. yah...i'm so far gone. and i couldn't be any happier. :)

good night...

averagejane signing off...

~no explanation~

2008-06-06T16:05:00.003-06:00

wow! so i totally just have to blog about today! like it is one of the best days i've had at work in a long while. The day actually started out interesting cuz i was totally tired lol. It's totally my own fault, but i will definitely admit it! he he. anyhoo, so i was at work, determined not to drink a mountain dew, though i was craving the taste of it, along with knowing that the caffeine and sugar in it would wake me up and give me some extra energy. The reason i was determined not to drink it is because of a informal bet with my boyfriend, jay...lol He said i am addicted to caffeine and such. however i adamantly protest that i am not. i told him i would prove it to him by not having caffeine for a month. lol started out as just a week. anyhooo, i am getting sidetracked. so i broke down and bought one mtn. dew. mm....it tasted great! :D lol so about over the next hour or two, my energy was replenished...until i crash tonight...he he. anyhoo.

so then as the day progressed, because i was not feeling so tired, my mood definitely improved. i was feeling fantastic! i went home at lunch and was able to clean my room somewhat...he he. and i think just to be able to start to pull my room together gave me a sense of accomplishment. really helped just boost my mood even further. :D

then i headed back to work. and i was in the most fantabulous mood! it was like wow! amzing...he he. my mood just kept up and the day went by nicely. it slowed down for a while and it began to feel like it was a holiday weekend at work, where everybody is just heading out for the weekend so nobody was really coming in to buy stuff. it was really nice! and then my supervisor asked to see me at about 3:30ish. i got kind of nervous. i wondered what could have possibly warranted a trip up to her office. so i headed upstairs a bit nervous. i headed in and her first question was about an invoice that had my sales number on it. i explained what it was and that i hadn't written it. thank goodness i remembered that ticket!! he he. then she told me that it was time for the yearly evaluation. and she gave me a form to fill out and give back to her at a later meeting, once i was finished with it. then i happened to comment that i had wondered what now, kind of, when i heard she wanted to talk to me. then she said to me, you know you don't have to be afraid of me. and that's when i admitted that i was kind of scared of her. she just laughed and told me she could tell whenever she came down, by the look on my face. i told her that i was scared because of the rocky start i had gotten off to. and so then she said, with me, once we discuss something and resolve it, it's forgotten. so dont worry. and i said okay. and i left her office like 10 lbs. lighter. it was amzing! like i had gotten one of the best gifts in the world.

just now, i am realizing how my life is coming together in so many ways. and i have no explanation for it. it began with jay. and then continued on in three fold today. i dont' know how or why i have had all this happen to me. but i don't deserve it. though i am definitely trying to live to prove that i can one day feel i deserve it. funny thought came to mind about why everything was going right today. i had finally for sure made up my mind yesterday to talk to my bishop. and i asked jay to be there for me. partly for just support, a happy face when i get out of his office. partly to not let me back out. and he told me that he would so be there for me. and that was the best feeling in the world.

anyhoo. life is great! laters...

average jane signing off...

happily ever after...forever

2008-06-05T11:16:00.005-06:00

growing up, every little girl hears the fairytales about how the princess gets the prince charming and lives happily ever after. and as every little girl grows up, those fairytales stay with her. sometimes that is what they base how a relationship rates on a scale of happily ever after. sometimes, a girl can get lost inside fairytales retold, thinking she will never find that prince charming for her. sometimes too, a girl can say that her fairytale won't happen like that cuz like the song called cinderella, originally done by i5 and remade by the groups Play and The Cheetah Girls, whose chorus is " i dont wanna be like cinderalla sitting in a dark old dusty cellar, waiting for somebody to come and set me free. i don't wanna be like snow white waiting for somebody to come and save me on a horse of white, unless i'm riding side by side..."

i admit that a part of me is totally like the song cinderella...that i don't need anyone to come "save" me. but the other part of me wants the other part of the story. the fairytale romance. every little bit. i want to be swept off my feet. but, this part is kept hidden more or less because of my not needing to be rescued feeling...i dont' know why i wrote this but anyways....the point is that i've found my "fairytale romance". and it happened when i least expected it. i can't believe i got so lucky...honestly. i know i've probably said this like a million times, but i don't care. it's just me expressing how i love life.! i love jay! there i said it so the whole world can know! lol i love jay and he loves me.

anyhoo, also, even while i was still more active in the LDS church, i was never one to really really want a temple marriage. like it sounded cool, but it was like oh, yah whatev. i kind of just assumed i'd get married there and yah...like i didn't really imagine getting married anywhere else or any other way. then especially once i really started drifting away even more from religion, i didn't care. and it didn't really matter cuz there wasn't anyone in the near future in my life, that i would have to make that decision with. and then of course i made some choices that now make it not possible, for now at least. then , along came jay. :D lol and my mom actually said to me, after i was tellin her how much fun i had had with jay, how much i had enjoyed my time with him, " can't you see now this is how it's supposed to be like in a relationship? can't you see now why some people would want this to last forever? " and the funny thing is , yeah it now kind of has slowly been coming more clear. i can see why ppl want to be together forever. if that were possible i would work hard for it. which is actually why i am in the process of working my ... issues...out. i want to have a chance at that happily ever after...forever.

but yah...life is great! lol i'm in love. and loving it! i'm going crazy during the day though cuz i miss jay tonz! then again i just miss him all day long. cuz even though i get to talk to him at night...i really wish i could see him every night. lol but i'll have to survive with just a couple nights a week...lol it just feels like my life is complete when he is around, like everything is perfect. lol cuz it is... anyhooo...

oh and i just have to mention how much i love this lady at my work. her name is shawna and she is my life saver and the most amzing person here. no matter what crap ppl. may say about her, she has always got my back. and i will forever be grateful for that. cuz actually just today or yesterday, joyce (my supervisor) was complaining to shawna saying " why does amy need breaks? nobody else in this company gets a break. " and shawna said something to the effect of, " she needs those breaks. she doesn't get to wander the store. she is stuck at her desk." and joyce was all like, " oh is it that bad?" lol i love shawna!! :D he he

well that is enough for today!

laters

averagejane signing off!

falling....head over heels

2008-06-01T00:28:00.005-06:00

kind of funny how some days ( or nights in this case) you really get to thinking about life, about things you do, why some names or things have significance in your life. i was just thinking about blog names. it took me a bit to understand my boyfriend's. lol then i found out the first significance is that it has a star trek reference... ;) felt pretty cool once i figured that out. but then i thought to mine. yeah...just a silly, normal title...but it's actually based off the title of a song that really had meaning to me especially at the time i created this blog. pretty much the song says, i'm trying to find my place in the diary of jane. i really liked the lyrics and kind of "adopted" , per se, the name jane, kind of just considering myself an average jane kind of girl. and when i began blogging, it was kind of in the middle of a part in my life that i really was trying to find out where i was going with my life. hence the part trying to find my place in the diary of jane...trying to find where i fit in my own life...and up until about a month ago, i still had no clue. well, of course i had the normal oh i want to go to college, get a good job, and travel. but i was still trying to figure out who i was, what i wanted to really get out of life. this was about the time i really realized that i didn't believe in god. i really didn't care about religion. but this past month...one thing has come into my life, specifically a person. someone that i have grown to care about beyond what i thought possible in just a short amount of time. sure i knew jay in high school...but we didn't really connect as we have now. i laugh when i think it is all thanx to face book that we are together...lol a part of me is wishing that i had found him sooner and been able to be with him. but to be honest, i think a great part of our amazing understanding of each other and our struggles, have come from having gone separate paths, yet similar, this past year. it has shaped us into the people we needed to be, before we could both appreciate this wonderful relationship we have.

tonight, we had the deepest, most soul-bearing conversation i have ever had with anyone. and for the first time, the response was not disappointment, or judgement. it was one of " i understand, i have been there." it was that way on both ends. and it amazed me how wonderful jay was about all of it...like i wasn't planning on having this deep of a discussion tonight...yet it just felt like the right time. and it turned out to be the best thing. our relationship has acquired a whole new depth to it. it's like....well, i can't even describe it. but it's the best feeling in the world. to know that you can tell someone how much you care about them, how much you just want to be with them, and know the feelings are reciprocated. to find that we are both far from perfect, yet so perfectly matched. to feel that i can trust them with anything...all of this combines into the greatest feeling in the world.

also, a song came on the radio today. it's called U got it bad by Usher. for those not familiar with it... here are the lyrics that really stick with me...

"you got it, you got it bad,
when you're on the phone,
hang up and you call right back,
you got it you got it bad,
if you miss a day without your friend your whole life's off track....
when you say that you love her and you really know that everything that used to matter, don't matter no more..."

( here's a link to hear all the song... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15bWP1O-bK0)

yah....that song just sticks with me, cuz i miss jay constantly... my life just feels almost complete with him just around...his absence pretty much creates a hole in my life, that can't be filled by anything else....yah...safe to say, i am falling for him...heck i have fallen...hard...and the hardest part is that my logical side is trying to tell me it's not possible...cuz i mean i have all my plans that are supposed to happen...i was supposed to stay away from getting romantically involved with anyone...yet here i am, so happy, so giddy...the luckiest woman alive...i have the greatest guy in the world and i hope i never lose him...cuz i've fallen hard....but it's not a bad thing...except for when we are apart... :) but yeah...not sure if i am still making sense...but i'm glad my life is on a better track...

well, i probably should sleep...g'night...

average jane signing off...

life is good! :D

2008-05-24T21:37:00.003-06:00

once again i had the time of my life. mostly just because i was with jay. any time i can spend with him is the best...he is the best thing to happen to me. i'm so freakin lucky!!! lol

so today what did we do...lol we went to the clark planetarium and watched one of their IMAX shows. we have a duo membership there, so we figured why not use it. and i got to chose what we saw. lol we watched a film on mummies. it was way cool!!! i was so intrigued and would have loved to know more...lol must be my inner geek coming out. lol i try to repress it lol but i don't have to when i'm with jay, cuz he is just as geeky or more!! lol not that its a bad thing! i love it. because i don't feel like i have to explain things like 5 times until they get it. but yah...we had his sister kellyann along with us and she got bored i think watching it. lol but i had a blast! then we dragged poor jay along with us to some other stores lol. he's such a good sport. lol then we stopped in one of my fav. stores and jay loves it too. lol Barnes and Noble bookstore! lol gotta love books. it took all my will not to leave with an armful of books! lol we kind of teased jay by taking him into the astrology section, knowing full well he hates horoscopes and astrology...lol he was a good sport! lol we didn't stay there too long. lol but it's great that we have a mutual love of books! lol :D then we went on to bath and body works and we left after a bit cuz the mixed smells were getting to us both ... oh, then we decided to go to temple square lol. and the moment we walked in the gates, we were ambushed by this old gentleman that volunteers there . lol yes i mean ambush. like we had walked inside and been barely inside two seconds and he was like hi!!! have you been here before? lol but it was all good. and we ended up taking a tour. it was actually kinda cool..lol

but overall i think the best thing was just having jay near. i mean i was content to just walk along with his hand in mine, or his arms around me. i was comfortable and i didn't care who was looking. i feel comfortable in who i am and who i was with. most often, before me and jay were going out...i would just feel awkward somewhat on dates and uncomfortable with the guys...even though i liked them. like i was okay when it was just us, or with friends, but when i was out in public, it was awkward to me. i know it sounds weird...but that is how it was. then whenever i'm with jay, it's like none of that matters. i'm just with him and i don't seem to care much anymore. some things like us swinging our entertwined hands and skipping, lol, were totally me coming out of my bubble...but that is normal lol. though today it was fun actually lol :D lol anyhoo...so then, jay dropped me back at my house around 6 pm...lol we had been together for around 6 hours... :D but then we lingered on the doorstep. i didn't want him to go, and he didn't want to go either...lol :D i really am falling for him...:) life is great. it really is all going fantabulous~! can't wait to see him again...lol

well, laters...

averagejane floating off! :D

lovin life

2008-05-24T00:18:00.003-06:00

*sigh* i don't think my life could be any more perfect than it is right now. i've got the best guy in the world...a job that is amzing....amzing friends...just everything is perfect. i don't feel like my life is just spiraling off into nowhere, like it has often over the last year or so. i would look at where i had been and mentally slapped myself. how did i get into the dumbest situations. you know...i will tell you. i was tryin so hard to break out of my "bubble", so trying to shock others, or prove them wrong, that i really wasn't choosing the things i really wanted, that i knew could not bring me anything but happiness. i chose the things i thought would make me happy, but that only lasted temporarily and i constantly set myself up for disappointment. but now i feel i've finally broke out of that pattern, come off that path. my life has taken a turn for the better, heck the best!!! my life could not possibly be much better than this.

two songs come to mind. one is called "i'm only me when i'm with you" by taylor swift. i love that song....just go on yahoo music to listen to it. but the part that i love is the chorus..." i'm only up when you're not down, don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground..." it's just cute...lol i've decided this song for various reasons is my song for jay...i mean he's never down! so that means i'm always happy. he makes me happy. i don't think i've felt this giddy and happy and floating on cloud nine! i don't think i could ever not want to be with him. and it also feels like i've known himf forever and that we have been dating longer than just almost a week. maybe that is cuz we have seen each other literally every night this week...lol or day as the case may be...lol and each time the only thing making it any easier to let him go, is the thought that i will see him in a few house...lol well, sometimes more than a few. but still lol :D yeah...i feel so freaking lucky to have found a guy like this. i can't believe i am this lucky. he tells me he thinks he is luckier to have me, and i just say, i think i am so much luckier. how did i get such a cute, good looking!, sweet, adorable guy to be with me!?!?! lol yeah i really am lucky...and one thing i know for sure in this world....everything happens for a reason. and at the moment, i don't know why i got this lucky. but i do know that my previous relationships, even though they were crappy, had to happen so that i really could appreciate this great guy i have. jay is the sweetest guy i could ever hope for. i hope to not lose him...

but now that i have sufficiently babbled on about just jay...lol now i should probably mention what we did!~! lol we went to an improv show first off...well, that was after day murray music lol. but i loved the improv show! it was hilarious and i can't wait to go back next friday! lol me and jay have already planned that!! :D yay i think it's one of the times i have laughed the hardest in a long time.

then we decided to get something to eat when we got out. lol it was like 9 pm or 930, so we didn't eat until like 10 lol but then we hung at jay's house and him being a good guy (lol :D ) had to make sure i was home before midnight... i stalled a few times lol....he he ...he he...ha. but yah funny stuff...but lets just say that once again, jay amazed me at how amazing he is....

so i finally came home at 11:30 ish...and stalled more on the porch..lol (just one more jay...lol he he : D ) but i just couldn't resist....i had the greatest guy in the world in my arms...would you want to let go if you had the best person in the world with you? :) anyhoo...

well, i should go to sleep! i get to see him in 11 hours and 42 minutes!~~ :D yay!!! *kisses to my guy*

avearagejane floating away on cloud nine

oh p.s.. lol i forgot to mention the other song in my head. it's called "some hearts" by carrie underwood...the part really sticking with me is " i've never been the kind that you call lukcy,always stumblin around in circles, but i must have stumbled into something. look at me am i really alone with you...." lol *floats away...*

sigh

2008-05-20T00:43:00.002-06:00

wow...lol so this is new to me.a different kind of relationship than i've had in the past...but i think the best i've had so far. there is more respect than i've ever experienced...it's simple and cute...it's fun, and i've missed that. the not having to wonder what the guy really wants. when he is just content to have you near, hold your hand, wrap his arms around you. i love it. yes, it is all still very new...and to be honest if someone had said a week or two ago, "he's just your type!!" and that we would be perfect together...lol i would have said they are crazy...lol wait! someone did say that...lol my friend elise did just that....my response was...' oh he's a great guy, really nice and funny...but nah...it wouldn't be anything other than friends..." yet here i am. incredibly happy and in a relationship with jay...a really sweet cute relationship. i know that is the last words a guy would like to have used to describe them...but, they are the best i've got to really explain how i feel....like when i just feel his arms wrap around me. when i feel his hand brush mine, entertwining our fingers...lol i just think thats so cute...and i'm not normally a cutesy girl like that! and best of all he makes me laugh. i can't think of anytime that he hasn't just even made me smile. it's great.

looking back on past relationships, i see where turning points were, where i let relationships lead down someplace, or places, i realize i didn't really want to be. i see that though i felt i had to experience all different things and just let myself open to new ideas, some experiences didn't really need to be had. i don't know if given the chance i would go back and skip some things...because maybe i had to learn the more difficult way. i know some experiences have made me stronger. some have made me appreciate the simple kindness, and simple cute ways a guy can express he likes you, really cares about you.

anyhoo...lol i've babbled enough, and been dwelling too much on the past. it's time to leave it there. i've jsut begun in a great relationship where i can honestly say i've never been happier...i am proud and stoked to wear his class ring...it's on a chain around my neck lol :D anyhoo..can't wait until i get to see him tomorrow....lol wait it already is tomorrow! he he. so tonight....:D anyhoo, laters.

average jane signing off

what a great day! :D

2008-05-18T22:34:00.004-06:00

wow! i just had a really good night. it actually was a good afternoon into night. lol i ended up hangin out with my friend, elise, and jsut talking about guys and whatever else came to mind...lol then we decided it was okay for me to invite jay to hang with us...about a half hour or so later he shows up at the park we were at...lol then my friend decided to split and me and jay did some geocaching! lol he's got me hooked on that now. its really way fun! we did four around the area, and as we were finishing the last one, it was about time that the sun was setting so we just sat on the trunk of his car and watched the sunset. it was comfortable in his arms...lol oh did i mention we had kind of begun dating? lol but then i said to him at one point about how i was amzed he wasn't sick of me yet after seeing me like most every night of the week but like two nights! lol well, he just made this really cute comment lol then he told me he was kind of wanting this to be more permanent. i said that sounds great. so it's official! me and jay are going out...lol tomorrow he is going to give me his class ring to wear...lol how cute is that?!?!?! so oldfashioned and incredibly cute. lol

well i oughta get to bed as i have work tomorrow!!! he he...laters! : D

TWILIGHT! !!! ahhh!! :D

2008-05-12T19:18:00.002-06:00

so i totally have to repost this!!! there is a teaser trailer out for only the most amazing movie coming out this year!!!! twilight!!!!! i am beyond stoked for this movie!@!! but i have to wait until dec. 12th. i am totally going to the midnight showing of this! if anyone, that is in utah, lol wants to come with me, let me know!!!! cuz i am going and nothing short of someone dying will stop me!

hee here is the link to the trailer! :D

http://www.imdb.com/video/trailer/vi2380464409/

averagejane signing off! :D

update pt. 2

2008-05-10T14:01:00.002-06:00

okay time for update pt. 2!!!

so i made it through one day...lol here we go again. so then i had made plans to see j. again on sat. night but then had to postpone them until mon. i actually ended up celebrating my friend's birthday by seeing the forbidden kingdom. it was okay. i found it incredibly cheesy and really kind of boring lol. but hey it was my friend tyler's birthday! love the guy. lol but then i made it an early night cuz i was still tired from my thursday night/friday morning adventure! :D

so then i got to see j. again on monday night (apr. 28th). i went over to his place to chill for a few hours...we just watched some basketball in his room, just relaxing on ...lol and of course kissed...i'll leave it at that. but then we both remembered we had work in the morning so i made it home by midnight...lol so that was good stuff...

hmm...pretty uneventful week until thursdya night (may 1st.) tyler texted me about goin to a midnight showing and of course i said i will so be there. the funny part is that i thought it was speed racer that was coming out. lol nope! it was iron man. speed racer just came out today...lol but anyhooo, so i came home and slept a bit, then met up with tyler and a friend and went to iron man! we of course went to megaplex 20 at the district. Tyler's fav. theater! practically won't go anywhere else!!! lol but let me just say....amzing movie!!! i would totally go and see it again! tyler kind of didn't think i liked it cuz i react outloud to movies sometimes. lol and i'll just say i let the f-word slip twice. i dont know why cuz i really try to not use that one. but tyler tried to cheer me up by sayin i could call him a dork...lol total inside story on that one. but he's great! lol one of my bestest friends. then, the movie was over and we went back to tyler's place to get our cars. and mine wouldn't start! lets just say i must have been tired cuz i totally said to them, my car won't fuckin start. yeah i was tired and pissed and frustrated. but, that isn't an excuse. and tyler said to me after the other girl left, ' i didn't mention this in front of nicki, but when did you become such a big user of the f-word?' and that just stopped me in my tracks...i knew he didn't like swearing and i usually refrained from it. i really don't swear that much... anyhoo. i said to him, i don't know why i've been jsut swearing...i don't really use the f-word... but yeah...it was different to see him so serious and kind of just sad or something like that...maybe disappointed. that was what really shocked me. i guess it's one of my favorite things about him. his emotions. he shows what he is feeling and there is no halfway point. its all or nothing lol sometimes it's incredibly frustrating...but i love it most times. it's great and entertaining somedays....:) anyhoo, i'm babbling.

so, we got my car started by having tyler jumpstart it. it got running. but then i got him home and once i shut the engine off, everything just died. and it wouldn't start up again...i was so frustrated! lol i ended up taking my dad's car to work the next day cuz mine still wouldn't start on it's own and not have to be jumpstarted. but then my big sis graduated from SLCC!!! it's exciting. then i went to meet them for lunch and ended up waiting half an hour for them, before i gave up and just left to run some other errands. by the time they actually showed up to the designated meeting spot, i had to just stop in for one min. to tell them my lunch break was over. for some reason i was really frustrated by having to wait and all and just was about to cry and ended up skipping lunch... i think my frustration was due to being tired and already frustrated with my car. anyhoo... so then that night me and my big sis went and saw MADE OF HONOR. it was a cute show. i think i wasn't as impressed cuz i kind of already was expecting too much of it. i think that is why i liked iron man cuz i really hadn't seen anything about it except some teaser trailer. i didn't know what the story was about really. ;D lol but before the movie, we went to dinner at arctic circle. lol we coudn't decide whether we wanted chicken or hamburger so this is what we got. lol well i got a jr. bacon cheeseburger, chicken rings, cheese breadsticks, small fry, and a chocolate fudge brownie shake. lol needless to say we didn't completely finish it all! lol but it was fun!! i might do it again some time... but then after the movie we went home cuz i needed rest.

hmm...sat. (may 3rd) i spent the morning figuring out my car. and it somehow fixed itself, sorta. my dad added some water to my battery, and it seemed to help it...lol don't know if that will be a permanent fix or not...lol i hope nothing else is wrong! but then that afternoon i went on bike ride with my dad and lil sis. it was loads of fun! lol i really will do it again soon. then, that night my family went to sizzler to celebrate my mom's birthday from like two months ago.. lol shows how busy we have been! lol but it was yummy. then i went to a wedding reception with my big sis. and then we went and saw the movie JUMPER. it was a good idea for a story, but it wasn't very well done. it had a very intriguing idea, but the story was kind of confusing and some parts werent explained very well...but yeah!..

hmm...so this week...nothin really happenin'. lol well on tuesday (may 6th) i went to dinner and a movie with friends. my friend elise and i went to eat at wingers. it was my first time. i got a sticky fingers wrap. it was pretty good. then somehow she convinced me to go to a scary movie. i went and saw prom night. but to be honest, it wasn't as scary as i thought it was gonna be. lol the funny part is that my friend elise convinced me to call j. up and invite him along. i finally got the guts to and he didnt' answer. lol so then i called my friend jay and he met us at the theater. it was funny, cuz he said to me at the beginning of the movie, "feel free to grab me at any time" lol cuz elise and him had joked that i would need to hold on to him cuz i was scared. i dont really like scary movies. but the ones i go to, i do better with ones that can be explained rationally rather than some supernatural creepiness... anyhoo i survived!!! with no nightmares! lol then the best part was after. me and elise decided to drag state street! lol i've never done that before and we just blasted our music! lol it's amzing we didn't get pulled over. we passed at least three or four cops when i was either blatantly speeding or blatantly trying to quickly brake! lol it was total pure luck! i must have a dang good guardian angel! lol but then on the way back south on state street, we kind of got into a little race with this kind of cute guy in a sleek little silver car. lol it only lasted a few blocks, but it was a blast! lol we were laughing our fool heads off! then we stopped at a 7-eleven by elise's house and the first thing she said is "oh dang the gay guy is working" well she and her friends thought he was gay cuz he just was an interesting character. lol but it turned out to be a friend of mine that i knew from a college class...lol and he is not gay. lol it was funny cuz i think we spent like a half hour just talking about school and how things were going for him up at the U. lol it was cool to catch up. but so then i dropped elise off and got home about 12:30 am on weds. may 7th. lol i was tired at work.

hmm...then thursday i had the most brilliant idea to ride my bike to the library to get some books, rather than taking my car. lol lets just say it's uphill to one street, then downhill to the library. so, i about died on the trip up hill! lol it was funny. my muscles hated me. lol when i walked in the library, my legs felt like jelly! (lol blackberry jelly for those smartasses who would ask what flavor jelly! : D ) lol but it was relatively okay gettin home. and bonus- i saw my friend art pass by in his truck and he waved at me! lol he's funny and i haven't seen him in forever...lol he took the shell off his truck and it looks loads better. lol and he's still as cute as ever. but yeah it was really cool!! :D

okay now to yesterday. we found a kitten outside in our yard at work and claudia came to me to see if i wanted to adopt it. and so i decided to take it home and take care of it. the guys at work totally hooked me up with some milk replacer as the kitten was still a newborn with it's eyes still shut. but last night i couldn't sleep because all it would do was cry and such like it was hungry, but it wouldn't drink much from the little bottle i had. oh and we named it sammy cuz we weren't sure of the gender. lol but so this morning i brought the kitten to work to see if a customer would like it. but then i ended up giving it to the humane society to raise and try to adopt it out. my mom helped me by taking it to the humane society and the lady there judged it to be less than a week old.

but here i am at work tryin to survive. it's been crazy and such being the one running the joint. i don't have any bosses her and it's been loads of fun trying to just work everything out. but at the same time i like it. the only problem has been dealing with getting lunch. work pays for lunch on the saturdays we are open, but we have been having pizza ordered in most weeks and the guys are sick of it. but i couldn't get anything on short notice other than pizza so that is what they got!!! lol

well, that is what is happening with me!!! lol longest post ever! but tonight i have a date with my friend jay. lol we are going to desert star theater and i'm kind of excited. lol well, time to close up finally!!!!! :D yay

average jane signingoff...:D

update pt. 1

2008-05-08T16:19:00.005-06:00

so i guess it's time for an update...lol it's been a crazy while. lol

yeah so the previous entry. i know what you all think happened and let me say...yea it happened and it was hella fun...lol worth it even though the next morning i really just wanted to sleep! lol but just so that there isn't any doubt, here is an account of the event! lol

so thurs. april 24th, a friend at work came up to me, his name is j., and asked what i was doin that night. i told him i had a short class then pretty much nothing. so he asked me if i wanted to go to a Jazz game that night and i told him sure. lol it was funny cuz i remember him being all like flustered lol. but anyhoo...we kept in contact for the rest of the day and i ended up skipping my ASL final to get to the game early for dinner and such. lol but so i met him and his roomie and his roomie's girlfriend at j.'s place. then we drove up together in j's roomie's car. it was pretty cool lol. but i liked his friend and the girlfriend. they were cool and nice to me. it was cool because i could tell that they both were the ones who had been popular in high school, a crowd i hadn't run with. so to just be accepted as is was really cool for me. anyhoo...gettin on a tangent. once we got the Delta center, now called the Energy Solutions arena, we went and got our tickets and such and i found out we were in the season ticket holders section!! lol and we got the VIP stuff like dinner and a free shirt, etc. but so we all got somethin to eat and i settled while they went off to get some beer. there was unlimited beer with the VIP dinner. the funny part is that j. came back with a beer for me. lol he just comes up behind me and says, " i got you a heineken." lol i laughed on the inside. i guess he just thought that 1) i was old enough to drink and 2) that i did drink. lol it was way cool. so i drank it. then as we went to go into the game, j. asked if i wanted another one. lol i said sure. so then we went and watched the game! it was a blast. i found out after j. asked me to go to the game that it was the first playoff game. that made me even more excited to go. then to have fantastic seats on the 6th row, wow it was a good night to start with. then i was in good company with j. but about8-10 min before halftime, i really had to pee~ hee hee. i know TMI. but it was funny to me. cuz then at halftime i had to go a gain... anyhoo. also at halftime, we made our way back to where we had dinner and got some more beer. i think j. had like 3 more. i had one more. that was plenty for me. i took it back to the game. then we finished watching the game! damn it was a close game!!! i loved it it was so intense!

the game finished around 11:30 pm. we were all so high on the game and of course the beer. :D but then we headed back to j. and his roomie's place. i ended up staying there with j. for about 2 more hours and then his roomie, b., went to his girlfriend's place. it was a blast. i watched some family guy! it was my first time really watching it and i loved it. hee hee. it was funny. but then about partway through our hangout, he kissed me...lol he's a good kisser...we kissed a bit, i'll leave it at that. :D i finally left his place at around 2:30 am. got home about 3 am.

the next day at work, i was tired. no duh! and i really feel bad cuz i was kind of a bitch at work! he he i think it was a mixture of lack of sleep and my first three beers all in one night! yeah crazy mix!

well i'll finish this update in a bit...gotta close up work! :D

average jane signing off....

a fuckin mess....

2008-04-25T15:36:00.004-06:00

god...i feel like shit right now. lol amzed that i'm laughin a bit on the inside while wanting to curl up in a ball and just sleep for the next day. i've never felt this tired...that could from combined lack of sleep and one too many drinks...god, this is crazy...i felt good last night, just comfortable with him. laughing...cheering on the team...then back at his place just laughing while we watched tv...feeling comfortable enough to just fall asleep inside his arms...wishing i could have stayed there and just called in sick to work...

now i wish there was some way to not feel like shit. maybe if i get some sleep...tried coffee, didn't help this time...maybe a drink would revive me...dunno...just falling asleep...

averagejane signing off...(what a crazy day...but i'm okay...just feelin like shit temporarily...feelin like a fuckin mess...)

friend update

2008-03-27T15:26:00.002-06:00

hullo!!! just wanted to update on the situtation with my friend julian. i went to the hospital yesterday to visit him. he was transferred out of ICU on tuesday some time. and he said he expected to be released today, thursday. he looked way good! lol except for the fact that he was kind of stiff. but he went through a pretty scary experience for someone of his age, but he has pulled through and will be okay!!! thanx to all the prayers that went out for him!!!

average jane signing off!

easter stuff and prayers

2008-03-24T08:28:00.003-06:00

so i hope you all had a fantastic easter! mine was pretty good up until 10 pm last night... so i had an easter party at my aunts house on saturday afternoon and one of our traditions is to have leg races. there are three types we do. the typical just all out sprint. then the three legged race and the gunny sack races. well, i won the sprint race for my age group! lol i was in the 18 or older women group, who hadn't had kids yet. lol the married ladies insisted on a separate group for them that had had kids lol!! but i won! i was slow gettin off, but once i got going i was goin! LOL but now i'm paying for it today lol my legs are sore! but i couldn't be more proud! lol but the three legged race i do every year with my cousin tamra. it's tradition, cuz we are really close, great friends lol. but also, no matter that she is like 6 yrs younger than me, we've always been the same heighth. lol her family jsut has really tall kids lol. but yeah....then saturday night i went and saw the movie juno. it was really good to be honest. it was a bit different than i thought it was gonna be like, but it was really good. two lines that really stood out to me, was an exchange between the main character, Juno, and her dad. she just told her dad and stepmom that she is pregnant. and they kind of are absorbing it. then her dad says, "i thought you were the kind of girl that knew when to say when." then Juno says, " i don't know what kind of girl i am." like those lines just totally connected with me...

anyhoo, but i went to the movie with my friend tyler. we had a riot! lol he is just a goof! lol but yeah...

but then on sunday of course the easter bunny came lol. it was good...but then i just kind of caught up on homework and cleaned my room and did my laundry. oh and of course went to church... but then i was ready to turn in at about 10:00 pm...but then i get this text from my friend tyler. pretty much it said please put Julian in your prayers. and pray he will be okay. this made me worried and of course i texted tyler back to find out what was wrong. turns out our friend julian has a virus in his heart and is in intensive care at the new hospital! so of course, even though i'm not that religious, i said a prayer for him. this morning i asked my family at family prayer that whoever's turn it was to pray, if they would include julian in their prayers.

so now i ask all of you that will read this, please put and keep my friend julian in your prayers. pray that he will pull through this and the doctors can find out how to help him. pray that they can find a way to get through all of this.

thanx

averagejane signing off...

bored at work

2008-03-22T11:24:00.003-06:00

hullo all!!! lol so i'm at work and really extremely bored. i guess i didn't realize it would be this dead on the first saturday we are open! lol but actually i wasn't scheduled to be work any saturdays, but the misty, the lady scheduled today actually called me to ask if i could cover for the last few hours cuz she had to go to the hospital with her husband. but i totally was glad to come and cover for her. it's not like i was really doing much! lol but i do have an easter party that starts at 1 pm...but the fun really isn't until after that. like around 2 or 3 pm. cuz that's after the easter egg hunt and all lol and that's when all the cousins get together and just chat. and with me being busy with work and school, i just dont' see them much...lol how ironic that the one day i have available to see them, i come to work for a few hours! lol just silly....

well, i'm gettin bored of writing...lol so, i'm gonna close this...

averagejane signing off!

oh the randomness...lol

2008-03-11T09:55:00.004-06:00

so you know how they say the little things are what matter? well, some times it's the little things that drag you down...and some times it's the little things that make your day...little things can add up to big things that make you sad, depressed..sometimes. but then there are the little things friends do that can just make you smile. a guy at work was that for me. he just did somethin so little and funny that made me smile and will keep me goin today...

just another random thought. sometimes you feel like you've grown so apart from your friends that you don't know how to be friends anymore. like sure you talk sometimes...but it's sporadic. you called them your best friend...still call them that...but ur not so sure anymore. then those that you really do call your best friend and know that you mean it and they feel the same way. the hard part is that they can't be physically there for you sometimes cuz they have their own life going on and have to take opportunities as they come...but thank god for spring break!! lol

but that's my babble. despite how depressing parts of this sounds, i really am becoming okay with life. i mean there are days and situations that get you down. i sure as hell am not perfect! some will get me down more than others. but i am determined to not stay down for long.

and jsut so that it's in writing...i'm really gonna not go for any guy...like no serious relationship or any possibility. i will continue to date and meet new ppl...i found out that it just doesn't work trying to stay completely away from guys..lol but no guy gets past the first date. i can be jsut friends with guys but nothing romantic-wise past the first date ...lol this may seem silly but it's for my own good. lol

average jane signing off

the great excitement

2008-02-28T21:00:00.002-07:00

so here i am ready to tell you all what had me so excited!!! :D lol

I GOT A CAR!!! lol it's a big deal cuz i've been borrowing my parents car and having them drive me to work and such...and it's my first car!!! :D lol i'm really stoked if you can't tell....

lol but i've got lots of texts to reply to now so i'll post later!!!

averagejane signing off!! :D

hullo again...

2008-02-27T08:42:00.003-07:00

hullo all!! so i figured that along with my renewed goal to just be upbeat all day....every day... that i would do a morning blog post. seeing as i come to work and sit with a computer in front of me and i'm not doing too much... i can do that!! :D lol but, as i get busier at work, i might have to change to bloggin at night...

lol so life is going good. the thing i mentioned yesterday is going as planned so it should all be finished by this saturday...but the majority of it settled by thursday! so you special friends of mine will get texts and emails thursday night i believe!!! ;D lol

but so i probably should get to work...lol what an idea! (i know...) but i've got to finish updatin our MSDS files!! lol

averagejane signing off!! love ya all.

fantastical days-it's all in the attitude!!! :D

2008-02-26T16:41:00.005-07:00

okay jsut a note to those concerned....i'm okay! lol i was overreacting to something that i've got in control now! lol silly me

but life is just fantastic. one thing i've been waiting for a while to come, finally might be. i say might cuz things haven't been finalized quite yet. so i just dont want to say much in case i jinx it. that means no tellin what it is heath!! :D lol luv ya sis. but i'm really stoked. if all goes well you will either receive a text or an email by thursday or friday lettin you all know what this fantastic thing is...lol you may think i'm silly, but heck i am! lol and proud of it.

hmm...so life is just good. i got so much done at work today and i'm totally proud of myself. i was determined today would be a good one and it was. lol i made great effort to sound especially cheerful when i answered the phone...lol it was coolio! and now i'm just sittin at work, wishing i could take my shoes off cuz my feet are hot...lol i don't like shoes much btw. but since i have to wear them, i wear flip flops when possible and i make sure i have cute keds to wear when flip flops just aren't possible lol.... but yeah, i think i'll switch to flip flops when i get home.. or just no shoes at all! cuz it's a heat wave here at work and my hometown...lol it's 50 degrees farenheit i think! :D lol

oh and this morning there was the freakin' coolest fog over everything. i love fog and i am extremely fascinated by it. actually the other night...last friday the 22nd, there was this really cool fog as i was drivin home for the night around 1 am...actually it would have been the 23rd by then...lol but it was so cool. the fog was so dense!!! my goal someday is to find a place where the fog is so dense you can barely see your hand a few inches in front of you. then i will play tag!!! lol that would be so much fun!!! lol

another thing i have a goal to do someday, is to find tall corn or wheat field, tall enough you can't see eachother at all. like at least six feet tall corn stalks or wheat stalks, and then play tag there too. or hide 'n go seek. that would be extremely fun!!! lol yeah i know these goals are childish but they are just so cool!! lol

but yeah...tha's me for today! in a fantastic mood!! hope you all have a fantabulous evening!!!

averagejane signing off!! :D

i know better....

2008-02-22T16:46:00.002-07:00

so why can't i say no? i thought i learned that from my last relationship...that i needed to be stronger and say no...well, this is a not so drastic situation where i really need to say no, but am finding myself not saying it. i like kissing him, that is the biggest problem. i know that i'll only break his heart again, yet here i go. i really need to stop this before it goes any farther...like just that he gets his hopes up and i just crush him. i need to just stop myself from being selfish and going for it cuz i like it rather than i really like him... i like talking to him as a friend...i'll talk to him tonight after we go to the movie...or before...i dunno...but i've got to talk to him tonight.... tell him that i can't break his heart again...cuz i know i will. i like flirting with him and the feel of his arms around me but it's not his arms that i like, it's just the feeling of someone's arms. or maybe it's his arms...ugh. to be honest i think it's just the feeling of someone's arms securely around me...

did i mention he quit drinking....he hasn't touched a drop in a month...that is totally amzing of him to be honest....i'm so proud of him. but yeah....

anyhoo...i'll talk to him tonight...

oh and i hate that i don't talk to r. anymore... i really should talk to him. i will on monday...

averagejane signing off...

happy single awareness day!

2008-02-14T11:28:00.003-07:00

so since it's valentines day today, or among me and my sister- "happy single's awareness day", lol i decided to have a template on my blog that is valentiney...lol if that's even a word!! lol i'll probably keep it up for the rest of the week cuz i'll be too lazy to change it. and i kind of like it so it'll have to be on my blog for more than one day!! :D lol

but so happy single awareness day to all!! :D lol so hope you all have fun plans for tonight/today. me and my sis are gonna go see the new movie Step Up 2: The Streets lol i'm so excited cuz i love dance movies. my friend didn't really want to come with when we invited him cuz he complained it was just another dance movie with no plot...lol it might be but it's got some wicked dance moves and wicked dancing music!! :D lol that's what i really want to go see the movies for ! lol

but yeah life is good. okay with being single.

oh and so there is snow here. it snowed yesterday afternoon into last night...lol it was supposed to be a small storm, snow wouldn't stick for long. well on part of the state got about 2 feet at least...lol that's a good amount for a storm that was supposed to be small. lol but then here in the valley, we got about 6 in. in some places. lol but anyhoo, so i was on my morning break and i was walking outside and my friend was out there too. he's a guy i dated for a while. but then we were just talking and saying that me and my sis. were gonna go to a movie. and he said, what no valentine? lol i told him no, both of us are single...and okay with that. lol but so then we were just talking some more, and then he threw a snowball at me. so i decided to retaliate. lol i was about 4 ft away and missed!! lol it was terrible so i grabbed more snow and threw again and hit this time. lol but we just had a lazy snoball fight...lol it was fun. then i had to head back and i said, not that this hasn't been fun but i gotta get back. then i headed through the fertilizer room and back to the main warehouse. and next thing i know there is a snowball hitting the ground. lol i turned around and then there was another one. lol it didn't break up when it hit the ground so i took it and threw it at him. i would have hit him if he hadn't ducked...lol but then i hurried forward and got some snow and then as he came around the corner with a snowball, i was prepared. lol we threw at each other, i hit him, he barely got my shoulder when i tried to dodge it. lol but it was fun@! i love that i'm able to joke and such with him again. but yeah today is going good.

so i need to call the DMV for my driving record cuz of a ticket i got about 6 months ago.. and i have to make a call to civil courts. the second call is for...let's just say...detective work for me. lol it should be interesting. anyhoo...g2g get back to work...

averagejane signing off...

too much time on my hands...

2008-02-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

sometimes having too much time on your hands can be a bad thing...lol you just think too much. like my thoughts just have gone all over this past week. i've just been thinking a lot about the past month or two and where things have gone...
but yeah...life has been weird especially the past few days. you hear about crazy exs but i never thought that would ever apply to me...and i guess i pretty much should have expected it from this last relationship, but i was under the impression that the ex was okay with the split that it had been a mutual split, for the better...well, guess not so mutual.

two days ago, he warned me that i might get calls from his ex...told me not to answer my phone if the call came from his number or another one starting with certain digits...he said that this is all just in case somthing might happen. he told me it was not necessarily gonna happen...yet not more than 10 min after he left i start getting calls, first from his number than a few others i didn't recognize, so i didn't answer...i think i got a total of only 3 or 4 calls within 2 hrs time...that may not seem like a lot...but it was a bit scary to me. then i get a voicemail twice in that time from him tellin me to try and erase my name off my voicemail so that his ex doesn't get my name...but then i got a voicemail at about 7 pm that i didn't listen to until like 20 min. later...it said pretty much that there are places online you can pay and get someone's address and phone number if you know their full name and such...and his ex paid the amount and he said that she told him that she was on her way to my house. so i hurried home and then found she hadn't come...and didn't come thank god...

but yeah...loads of fun...

anyhoo, so i get to act in a friends film for his class...i'm excited...lol i get to be the main girl character...i'm deaf! :D lol i think he picked me for that part cuz i'm one of his only friends who knows some sign, partly cuz of my sister and the fact that i'm taking sign language this semester...lol

but that's all for now! later ppl....

averagejane signing off...

jsut thoughts

2008-01-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

so it's that time of night when you just are awake and tired at the same time...well, i mean you're sleepy but don't seem to want to sleep. so you come online...surf a bit...think about playing some games online. but don't have quite the energy for that...and you kind of wish someone was online that you could just chat with...so you go to your normal chatting haunts..but no luck...no one on messenger these days...no one on the dating site...and you make a visit to some chat rooms...but you don't really want to talk to a new person....so here you end up. on your blog...

lol isn't that pathetic. to just spend time putting your thoughts online with the possibility of millions, even billions viewing them...not that it actually happens. but just not caring what the ppl think if they did read them. just kind of putting it all out there. at first i kind of thought this is weird. but then when i realized no one pays much attention to what i write anyways, it didn't seem to bother me much. and lately...i've been writing for me...cuz i just need to get my thoughts out. there is something intriguing about putting your thoughts out for ppl to read...kind of an online version of sleepless in seattle, where he is kind of tricked into puttin his thoughts out...then he meets this great girl. lol not that i'm expecting that. lol that would be funny

lol well i'm gonna sign off for now..

just dullsville!!

2008-01-25T13:40:00.000-07:00

hullo all!! just another day in dullsville! lol well only partly. can i just tell you how much i really appreciate a co worker of mine! she really was sad that i had to miss going to the film festival with a friend. i told her it's all good. she asked if i still wanted to try and skip out early...but i told her it's okay, cuz the thing was this morning...but thanx anyways. she really is a great lady. lol but yeah!

anyhoo so life is going good. just kind of thinking over a lot of things...but oh i am proud of myself. because the last two nights i really didn't want to go to class. but i made myself go and i actually ended up having fun and being glad i went! :D lol isnt that an amzing thing? lol but yeah... and i actually learned some fun signs in my sign language class lol. i learned the signs for 3 different alcoholic beverages. lol and two signs that are "bad" signs, but we just happened to get on the topic of them from an innocent question. but our teacher taught us them. so that we didnt' make the mistake of signing them and embaressing ourselves completely. which really is good!! lol

but in my biology class, i had to do a group presentation. we only have to one in the whole semester and i got lucky to get it out of the way first thing!!! lol at first i was not too happy about being first. but, then once we got it all pulled together and finished, i was glad to have done it first. lol

but still searching for a car. maybe tomorrow i'll find something!! cross my fingers for luck! :D

anyhoo...that's life!

average jane signing off...

changed plans

2008-01-24T16:52:00.000-07:00

so plans have been changed and i'm not able to make it up to the sundance film festival...and i was really actually looking forward to that. but it's kind of my own stupid fault i'm not gonna be able to go. oh well, i'm determined not to let it get me down! i'm not gonna sink down to that cuz i'm determined to just stay happy and be okay. anyhoo....

but, i miss him. a lot. i see him and he smiles at me. i smile at him...god i miss him. wish i could talk to him...like normal. wish i could just fold his arms around me and be safe in his embrace... but i can't. not yet at least....

average jane signing off.

a sad death

2008-01-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

i find that i need to just blog this short notice. heath ledger has been found dead in a new york apartment. about 3:30 pm this afternoon... the police believe it to be suicide as heath was found with drugs strewn all around him. for those of you who dont know this actor by name he plays patrick verona in 10 things i hat about you, and most recently he plays the joker in the new batman movie soon to be released, titled the dark knight. it's just really sad and i'm sad that it appears to be a suicide.

average jane signing off...

i get to go to a sundance film!!

2008-01-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

hello all! :D so here i am two days in a row! ! wow i know. but i jsut had to let you all know that i'm going to go to a sundance film at the film festival!!! i've never been and my friend tyler wanted to know if i could go with him! (cuz he says its really no fun going alone) lol but i'm glad he asked me! he's a fun friend to be with and i'm ecstatic to go! oh and i'm getting off work to go. luckily i have this really nice lady named shawna that is always willing to cover for me. but i just don't try to take her kindness forgranted cuz i make sure to ask only when i really need it. but it's all good!! :D cuz i haven't had her cover for me in a few months so i'm good!! :D

lol so the movie i'm going to see is called sunshine cleaning. my friend saw it twice already and loved it. i just went on imdb.com to look at the movie and it actually sounds intriguing! lol but i'm stoked to see it. oh and it has amy adams, one of my new fav. actresses, in it!! :D lol she was amzing in enchanted. i can't wait to see how she is in this movie. it's a different role from enchanted entirely. but yeah!!

that's my babble for now! :D

averagejane signing off!

just life...

2008-01-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

hey it's me again...lol i just felt like postin some more today. even if it's only a small entry. so life is goin good. i've pulled myself out of that depressing funk i started to slip into this morning. and life is good. i was gonna ask my mom if my dad knew. about what happened between me and that special someone...then during church today, somethin my dad did made me realize without a doubt he knew. but i'm okay. cuz i really don't care anymore. cuz i know i'm a disappointment to them. but it's okay. i'm used to it. it's kind of what i've gotten when i decided to begin living my own life. at first i just went all the way to disappoint them, cuz i figured if they were disappointed already, why not just go all the way. and maybe they would just give up. but now, i just disappoint them by chance cuz i choose to do things i know they won't approve of, because i feel i need to just make my own choices based on how i feel. and while i can't say i'm ecstatic about life...i'm happy with how my life is going. sure i have days that i profess that i hate life. those are the days that i let things get me down. afterall, "happiness is not a destination, but the journey you take getting somewhere." (that's a quote i saw somewhere.) you don't just make choices and boom you arrive at happiness. it's a whole journey, adventure, that is called life. you make choices to be happy and do what is best for yourself and your friends. one of my mottos is live life to the fullest. also, i have the motto to live life without regrets. and so far. i'm doing okay in both. though i could work more on living life to the fullest. i need to travel more and do more. but i'm slowly workin up to that....

but my eyes are gettin tired of starin at a computer screen for so long...so i'm gonna close..(i've been messin around on tickle.com for about an hour now! )

average jane signing off!

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

2008-01-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

so the thing i thought wouldn't happen, at least for a year or so, happened. somehow my mom knows what happened between me and him...she confronted me about it this morning...and i have to admit it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. but it still was like i thought it would be in some part. she's disappointed in me. but that i can handle. i'm used to ppl being disappointed in me. i just learn to brush it off and move on with life, living the best that i can. she wanted to know if i wanted to rectify it all with god and church.(as much as i say i believe in god now, i still wonder...to be honest) those reading this who are lds and know that situation, know what all that entails. i told her no, i didn't want to. because a part of me is still trying to pull myself together, not crying at night wondering if he's okay. wondering if i'm okay. a part of me still wants to be with him. but it takes most of what i have to remind myself why i broke it off. why i can't do this. and it takes most my resolve to just wake up each morning determined to be okay. to make sure i don't let things get me down. to prove to myself that i'm okay. to prove to myself i'm worth jsut starting again and finding my way through life. cuz i have things i need to do...i know i say this a lot. but i have to stay away from relationships to focus on my goals. i mean i still flirt and will date. but, i won't let my heart get involved in them. i won't let anyone get that close. i've got plans and i'm not deterring from them anymore. this is why i'm really making an effort in my classes this semester and keeping on top of things. i have things that won't go anywhere if i don't get through college. but mostly i have to prove that i can get through college. that i am mature enough to be in the "real world". somedays i seriously wonder though...but i'm making it work. i'm slowly growing up. but yeah...

now don't take the above as i'm not okay. i really am working towards it. i don't mean to bitch and try to say my life is hard. well, it is some days. but that's mostly from my decisions. but i wouldn't take back anything. it's making me a stronger person. he asked me if i regretted him. i told him. i may regret what i let myself do with him...but i'll never regret him. never. he is a part of my life...a part that helped me learn more about myself and put me on the path to making me stronger. i will never regret him. i'm stronger now.

average jane signing off...

crazy love

2008-01-19T00:36:00.001-07:00

so i jsut got back about half an hour ago from seeing 27 dresses~! let me just sum it up in one word. amazing! really it was all i had hoped it to be and more... however it had the typical effect on me...the one where i just want to cry because it's so romantic and i can't wait til i find that love. the kind where you look at the groom in a wedding and he looks like he couldn't be happier cuz he's so in love with the woman walking towards him down the aisle. the kind of love that when you kiss makes your knees weak. you can't think clearly. you can barely breathe. i've found love, but not that kind of love...i'm still looking for it. someday i'll find it. however i remind myself to be content where i'm at. i still have so much life left to find that one person. i need to have my adventures first....

afterall, tomorrow's a brand new day. no day is ever the same.

averagejane signing off....

life is great

2008-01-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

wow! so yeah life is going great to be honest! i miss him every day...which in itself is funny cuz i see him 5 days a week still. but i'm learning to cope and be okay and get where i'm going in this life. i have this new fav. quote. it comes from the movie, "p.s. i love you." it's something along the lines of "getting through this life we have...realizing that none of us get out alive." it just made me realize, when i heard it, even more than i already realized it, we don't get out of this life alive. we all are eventually gonna die. i mean, wow, it really just hit me when the character, holly, said it at the end of the movie. lilke it was just so blunt and yet so beautifully said. i'll have to see the movie again and write down the line exactly so you all can get what i mean! but yeah...

add: oh so i totally found the quote i mentioned above, online!!! how lucky is that! lol but here it is...feel free to comment on it. cuz it made me really think!

"This is my one and only life, and it is a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive." (said by Holly, the character played by Hilary Swank.)

so tonight i'm gonna go see a movie called 27 dresses with my sister. i've been waiting for at least a month for it to come out and i can't wait to see it!! :D lol for those of you who don't know the story line, here's a short summary of it. there is this girl, who has been a bridesmaid 27 times, for jsut all of her friends and such. she is in love with a guy she works with ( the guy may be her boss, but i'm not sure! ). one night she is at a club, with her friend and the guy she is in love with is there too...not sure why or if it's just coincedence. but her friend tells her she has to go and tell him how she feels. but who should come up just as she does to this guy? her sister. and the girl introduces them both, they fall in love and then over like the next few weeks get engaged. so the girl's name is jane, btw...but jane plans her sisters wedding. but a little twist to this story even more, is that at the last wedding/reception jane was at, she met this oober cute guy played by james marsden. anyhoo, so in this all , the two of them become friends and he helps her realize that maybe it's time for her to find her happy ending!! this results in a good quote in the movie that goes as follows, (said by actor James Marsden) "you'd rather focus on other people's kodak moments, rather than make memories of your own." so it's really motivating to me to get out and live my life and make my own "kodak moments." lol but life is really just good. like a few times today i had thoughts that threatened to really dampen my mood. like thoughts of him, and wondering if he's okay. but i told myself it didn't help any to get all down on myself or anything. i can just reasonably worry that he's okay, without it really pulling me down. and i've done well today at keepin my mood up!! it does help that i have a flirt buddy...lol his name is ron. and he's cute! anyhoo...but also, i've been doing a little stretching of my legs on my breaks. it's really cool!! and easy to do.

lol so that's my life. been busy with school and work and just life in general but all is just fantastic!! ;) average jane signing off!

ps. i think it helps that i have my hair in pigtails. cuz they are such a fun hairdo to have and they make you feel like a little kid sometimes! :D

missing him

2008-01-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

wow... so first let me say this is my two hundreth post!! lol

but, why does it have to be so damn hard? you know deep inside that it really is the best, at least for now. but why does he have to look so perfect? be so perfect? i mean, what guy do you know that just randomly cooks when he is bored? then comes and shares it with the ppl at work? god, he just looks so perfect. you can't help that you love him, but it's just not meant to be right now... and you have to stop yourself from calling him or texting...can't stir up his feelings or yours...sometimes you cry yourself to sleep...then a new day comes, think you've got it under control, then you come to work say hi, he smiles and you melt and want to just take it all back. just be with him...god you miss him!

well, life moves on and in a few years you don't know what could happen...maybe then you will get a second chance and it will be right this time...

average jane signing off

a new day, it will be okay

2008-01-10T10:04:00.001-07:00

you know when you don't do something for fear of the reaction you'll get? well, sometimes you just have to take a chance be honest...tell that special someone how you felt...and honestly you find yourself surprised...tell them that you wanted to cry, in a moment that should have been happy...and you find that they are more understanding that you thought...more perfect...and you realize that things will be okay...that communication is the answer...you know you want to be able to tell them anything, but how difficult is that when you grew up in a home where pretty much nothing was discussed...nothing real...you just avoid telling how you really feel...can't tell them about the one person in the world you really are happy with, because you'll just get the look again...the lecture about how they aren't good enough...can't tell them about your relationship... can't tell them you'll never be like them...in fact that you don't ever want to be like them...dont' want their life... but it's okay...you'll change your life...be open with your feelings...tell ppl what you need to say, for your sanity... but it's a new day, life will be okay

average jane signing off...

sidenote: to those worried...i really am okay..

just a cycle

2008-01-09T11:52:00.000-07:00

days come and go...weeks pass slowly, and you find yourself starting a new routine...spend work wishing to be with that special someone...desperately needing a look to tell you they feel the same way...wanting just one moment alone with them...while at the same moment you look at them and remember the past few days and just become confused...torn between emotions...whether you give into your feelings or pull back from the hurt...do you just let it all go on, just all in the game of love...do you listen to your head telling you let go, back off, or do you listen to your heart telling you love is worth it all...what really matters anymore...

spend the days going from work to school...call him up, talk about school...be with him for hours...miss one day without him...your life is off...go to bed, think about him, dream about him...come to work...all just a misunderstanding...thought you didn't care to call...simple mistake, all is okay. or so it seems...for who really knows...find yourself wanting to just spend all your time with that special someone...your parents make comments as to their opinion...get the hint and move on to just being in the background...looking at you with that look in their eyes... the one thats shows disappointment, concern pity...look away, can't bear to see it...don't want to see the hurt, making it seem personal...put up the mask, don't look...just pass the days making polite...

good days...bad days...what do ppl around you really see...do they see the bad, or just simply wish it away cuz they can't handle it...do they even see the pain until it's glaring in their face...they show concern...act they care...why now...think they can help...you don't see them much during normal days...days with no drama, no hurt, just life...but why do they make things worse than they really are...why offer help when you say don't bother...what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...helps you learn to lean on that one person that really cares...that one you want to spend your life with...but then you come back to that circle of doubt and joy once again...

seems you're stuck in a neverending cycle...even though looking back it's only been a month or few...you can't seem to find where it really began...cant seem to find an end...or can you not see the ned because you fear it...don't know who you are anymore or who you've become...finding yourself and your worth in that one person...wanting to break free from the hurt...but fear losing the true happiness you have felt with them...lost, stuck in a web, can't figure it all out...

the day comes to a close once again...you lay and wonder why...just why...why does he love you? why you? why did it all have to be this way...

averagejane gone for now...

why does it feel like lying?

2008-01-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

ever have those days you find you cannot make up your mind? or you think you've made up your mind, just to find the next day, you aren't so sure...you find yourself telling a friend..." i've learned from this...i'm not gonna make that mistake again...i'm done with that..." then turn around and you bite your words...sometimes it's you jumped to conclusions...others, you just let yourself get drawn back...can't stay away...you feel somedays thatyou're lying to your friends...but sometimes you just can't explain it all becauseyou know how they will react...and you don't need that...sometimes you wish they wouldn't just say 'told you so...' wish they would just keep it to themselves...because the situations change so fast, even you can't keep up with the score...don't know how its gonna be. feelings could rage overnight to worse in the morning...hard feelings could just diminish, being replaced once again with love. you may find yourself leaving that special one's presence unsure, contemplative, lost, confused...not really speaking to them... thinking you'll see them the next day and things will be different, like them just not talking to you, thinking you hate them...then they surprise you by acting just the same as normal...charming, thoughtful, sweet...and you find yourself wondering why you were doubting anything the night before...wondering what made you feel lost, confused, just hours ago...you see a different person during the day, more composed, only quick smiles directed your way...then night falls and they hold you passionately...promise they'll never leave you...things go from simple to complicated and you begin to wonder what makes it all so different...makes you wonder why you can't say no...why you just give in...until you break down inside, wanting to just sob silently in your pillow...fall into dreamland, the one place you can escape reality...just for a moment...

stuck, unable to move

2008-01-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

how can something that is supposed to feel so good, so right...just feel so wrong? it boggles my mind. something that is an expression of feelings, that just makes you want to cry...in sadness and heartbreaking emotions... not tears of joy. just crying into your pillow...not letting anyone else see...don't want to appear fragile...yet you still come back to the source of your sadness...time and time again...because while the source brings sadness, it also brings joy, and feelings of love...the question is, is that enough? to be so happy with the source of most of your sadness, that you overlook the sadness, and just focus on how happy you are half the time...sometimes you just don't know...

another question...what is it that makes a strong, high-willed person lose their resolve, their audacity to speak their mind? how is it that someone has no trouble saying no to most, then when it comes to one special person in their life, the one who should understand them the most, they can't say no, especially to something that causes them pain and heartache? ...why can't they be strong...why? sometimes i guess you can just see that nobody can be superman all the time...

you sit there, just being with your best friend, your soul mate. just looking at them...and you see the love, the emotion in their eyes...and you can just feel their happiness...just being with you. and you feel the same way...and wonder how to express it...then something innocent turns into something more complicated...requires more than just a yes or no answer... and you just don't know how to answer...then it seems you answer against your will, and you're not sure of how you answered...then they ask something of you you're not sure you can give...and you find yourself giving it...you're disgusted with yourself...yet find yourself just wanting to please them...how have you fallen to this low that you can't say no...and you look at yourself and just cringe...you sigh, try to scrub it all away, rinse it all away...thinking maybe that will change it...and find nothing changed...you just curl up and cry. you wonder again how it all got this way, how one moment, one night can cause a world of change...........then you look up again out of your emotional reverie at your best friend, the one person you want to be with forever and always...and you just smile at the look on their face...the look that says they can't imagine anyplace they would rather be...and you melt and just want to stay forever in their embrace. and the circle is begun again...you wonder where you're going and if you'll have the strength to break the circle...or if you even want to...

everyday for a week, you'll hear flak from your parents about keeping to your dreams...dont' forget who you are...and you wonder ironically, how can you forget dreams you don't even know about any more? how can you forget who you are, when you never were sure who you were in the first place...simple ironies that make you grimace and cringe...just reminders that you are so far gone...beyond worry now...the looks you get from parents, friends...just a constant reminder that you disappoint them, time and time again...never able to do anything right...they nag, they prod...using the excuse they only want the best from you...only want to you to be all you can be...they just don't get you'll never be like them...don't see how hard you try to not be like them...don't want their life...you couldn't be them no matter how hard they may like it to be that way...pushing them further away...knowing that you disappoint them anyway, why not go all the way...push them so far away they really don't care anymore, don't have to see the hurt on their faces...the disappointed grimace...you just push farther and farther away...receding into yourself...whatever there is of you anyways...

on the outside, it appears life is just fine and dandy...no one even guesses the constant struggle day to day...no one sees the hurt...no one sees the pain...no one hears the sobs coming painfully from your very soul...so one knows the thoughts of despair...and you just continue on in the game...continue the cycle of pain and happiness... thinking you should end it, but then not sure if it's worth it...if you're worth it... you hope that one person you care the world for, can see beyond your mask...then when they do, you desperately wish that you could open up to the one person who really cares...tell them your doubts, your fears, your pains and how they make you feel low some days...they already hear your joys, but you hide your pains...can't bring yourself to tell them how things they do cause you pain, how you fear relationships with a passion, but want so much to be with them...yet your fears, irrational ones, push you away...but you can't tell them..for it's these same fears, these fears of really opening up to one person, that keep you from being true to yourself...you fear you'll just scare them, push them away with your feelings and thoughts...and by pulling away and closing in on yourself, you end up doing the one thing you fear...you push them away, make them think you don't want to be with them...that you don't care enough to tell them how you really feel...and you start again, hoping this time things will be different. they start different, but really just end the same...wishing you could get off this one track...try a new one...but somehow you can't...

so pretty much...you find yourself stuck...unable to help yourself...too proud, maybe just scared, maybe just not wanting, to ask for help...think maybe you're in this for a reason...and you just go to sleep, wishing for just a moments reprieve from your thoughts...thoughts threatening to weigh you down, pull you farther into this abyss you call life...

average jane signing off...

you know...

2008-01-07T16:13:00.000-07:00

you know when you say oh that won't happen to me? and you just know deep down that because you said that, it will happen to you? those are such mind trips...funny when those things really do happen. then how do you deal with them? i guess you just figure it out from then on and just start over...sometimes when these things happen, you have to wonder...just about the whole thing. like what made this time different? what made you fall into this situation? is it a good change? what now?... what now? just makes you so contemplative...it's just a funny thing when you find yourself doing something you didn't expect. and sometimes you just have to let it all play out to see where it leads you...and hope you don't end up more confused...

averagejane signing off...

things changing...

2008-01-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

isn't it funny how one moment can really change your life? make you really think about everything that is happening... sometimes it's for the better, sometimes for the worse...as for me, i've not decided yet...

but i've been thinking a lot lately. just about life...and where i'm going...what i want to do with it...and some thing has kind of changed my plans...but yeah...

oh, and i had hoped to travel to new york this summer...but i don't think i'll have the funding to anymore...

well that's all for now...except that i'm really tired, cuz i got home at 3 am this morning...dont ask why...

average jane signing off...

a great start to a new year...and decisions made

2008-01-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

so just yesterday i hung out with some friends for the second time in a week. and i absolutely loved it! we played rock band and wii. its so much fun! i finally was gettin the hang of playing the drums. it's tough but so worth it. lol and i can also do the guitar and bass too. of course i began singing, then i decided to try the instruments and i love it and really would so buy it to play at home! maybe i will in a few months. but right now...i'm gonna save my money for other things. but we actually first went to cheesecake factory and had lunch. it was expensive but pretty good. i think the funnest part of it all was that i got to hang with friends and be crazy and wild and have a blast! it was the perfect start to a new year...

i now have a new fav. movie. it's called hope floats!! :D i absolutely am in love with the story and of course harry connick jr.! lol but i really just thought a lot about life again...and i think i love him...but i am still so young and if he really loves me, he will support me while i still explore life and see the world and see if this is really what i want. i thought i knew what i wanted, when i told him i wanted to be with him. but i'm not so sure. i just think about all that is out there that i could be missing. maybe there is someone else out there that i'm meant to really be with. and at the same time, i wonder if i just kind of get out there and don't really pursue a relationship with him, would i be missing out on a great relationship? but then i hang with friends and just am a kid once more and i realize that i don't think i'm ready to grow up so fast. and he is, cuz he's been in life...seen a few things... traveled. and while it may hurt him that i need space a bit...i need to do it for my sanity. i will love him forever, no matter what i decide to do. but i still have a life to lead before i settle down. and if he really loves me...then he will understand my decision. i guess what i just need to make him understand, is that though i love him, i need to see the world and do some things first before i just settle down with someone. we are hanging out this weekend. and he mentioned when he called today that he wanted to take a day off from work to spend as just us...maybe spend the night at his place... and while that sounds nice...i don't think that is how things should go right now. i'll spend time with him on the weekends and such. still get to know each other. but i need to make sure that i tell him how i feel.

cuz i just keep thinking about another friend that i might have feelings for.

anyhoo...just my babbles...

averagejane signing off

too sweet

2008-01-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

just when i'm doubting what is happening in my life...where i'm going, if this is the right place to be...he goes and does something even sweeter than normal. like i'm home sick and he called me to make sure i was okay when i didn't come to work. and he just called to tell me how much he loved me. it was just too sweet.

anyhoo, just had to say that ....

averagejane signing off...

is he really the one?

2008-01-01T22:24:00.000-07:00

one time i was just talking with my sister about guys and just whatever about them...she said something that really stuck with me. she said one thing that stood out to her as when she knew this one guy might be the one...someone special she should get to know better...was that jsut being around him was comfortable. that it felt like she had come home.

just recently i was hanging with a bunch of friends and we were playing video games. i had not played one of them before and my guy friend helped me figure out what i was to do. and he put his hand around mine and showed me what to do. it was brief, but for that brief time, it was just as if it felt comfortable and made me feel something. i don't really know how to describe it. but it made me wonder, am i right to be with this other guy, when i just get this feeling with a good guy friend of mine? am i ready to just give me heart to this other guy, when i'm not sure as to exactly how i feel? and you know...i don't think i am. but yeah i just got to thinking. and maybe this is just a sign that i need to step back and look at my life, where i'm headed, what goals i have and what plans i have to fulfill... but yeah..

averagejane signing off...

crazy weekend

2007-12-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

so i just have to say this has been a crazy weekend... and now into the middle of the week. events happened friday, that broke my heart. but i just don't know what to think really. i love this guy, but, i've been talking to him and i don't think he was lying like i thought he might have been. but, today or tomorrow, i should know for sure. yesterday i'll admit that i was all ready to try and leave it in the past and just move on, no matter how hard that would be. cuz this guy is the first and only one i've truly loved. but now i'm thinking i just jumped to conclusions... i do tend to do that. i kind of have a fear of confrontation, so i don't tend to go ask the person what the situation is. anyhoo... well, now i think it's halfway resolved. but there is hurt feelings on both sides, so it may take a while to really put it all back together...

and i know there are a few of you out there that really just want to slap me right now cuz you think i'm just settin myself up to be hurt again. but don't worry about me. i'm okay. and i'm gonna be careful, it was just a misunderstanding.

anyhoo, average jane signing off...

why? hm...

2007-12-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

why is it that we just love to torture ourselves? honestly! i've been reading over old blog posts of mine and a friend. i just read them over several times. each time i read them, the old feelings i felt at that time of my life, resurfaced just about as depressing as ever. now i sit here in a funk. god i'm just stupid. anyhoo...but also, i really just wish i could spend more time with my special someone. he tells me that he is falling in love with me. and i admit that i love him, like i never thought i possible. i usually shy away when things get to the whole " i love you" stage. that's what happened with my first and really only official boyfriend. i just freaked when it came to the serious feelings and dating just him. i realized that i would look around me and just say hmm... i think it would be fun to go out with that cute guy. and so i freaked and broke it off....then my second really serious relationship...that went on for a month. that was really long for me. but then, there is this guy now. robert. yes...you have heard abt. him before. our relationship has been developing since about june/july. at first there was crap goin on and i really didn't know whether i could trust him. but then things developed about a month or two ago. i had feelings for him from the beginning. and no matter what he did, they seemed to just keep developing. one day i felt as if things were cool and i could trust him, the next i was let down. this seriously went on for a few months. but let me just tell you, i really can't hold grudges for too long, especially against guys. unless of course you really are disrespectful all the time and out right rude. but if you do something, it's mostly forgotten in at most a few days....anyhoo, but so then it started with a kiss...at first i just kind of blew him off after i let him kiss me a few days. but then, i just kind of let it all go, as i was rather just trying to protect myself from any possible hurt rather than i was mad at him. but then, it all just began to develop as i talked with him and we became great friends. i could talk to him about anything and have a serious deep conversation, yet at the same time, i could have a crazy discussion about music, or food or other such stuff. and i loved it. and i felt myself falling...hard. with each kiss i melted in his arms, each embrace i felt safe, secure, and just plain happy. which is saying a lot for my seriously bi-polar life. lol but i think about him almost all the day long, i just want to be near him, see him, and talk to him. for a few days i totally let myself become so distracted by my thoughts of him it was hard to work. but i found a good in between eventually. and now here i am totally in love with him. wow it's the greatest feeling.

the greatest thing about him though, is that he made a promised to me about two months back that he would tell me the truth in anything. and so far he has kept that promise. i really love that he has made such an effort to never lie to me. he kind of told me a few lies in the past. he says that he owes it to me to prove that he loves me and that he is being honest in everything. i love it.....

well work is almost over so i'll finish what i want to say later.

average jane signing off...

i love him

2007-12-13T15:53:00.001-07:00

so yeah here i am again...life is...hmm... life is just....life. it's okay, not bad, but not fantastic. just here. just existing. but yeah...is it normal to think of just one guy...so much that when you pass other guys on the street, cute ones, that you don't really thing of anyone but that one guy. seriously. i think of him all the time, love to be around him.

........................................................................................................................................

well, so this is like half a day later. so that special someone came to work a bit late cuz he went to some performance thing of his daughter's. but he walked in, and my knees just about gave out...he looked so....amazing. he normally i think is very hot. but he just was all spiffed up in a nice shirt, jeans, nice shoes, a cool leather jacket, and his hair had been cut. wow! is the only way i could describe my reaction. then he came over to my desk to say hi. and of course he had to smell incredible! lol... just wow. then even when he got on his work shirt and such, he still looked amazing. maybe i'm just biased cuz i love him. lol :D but i dont' care. he's just so incredible. i can't believe that he loves me. i can't believe how lucky i am....lol

well, i gotta go actually get some work done...

average jane signing off...

been a while

2007-12-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

hullo all!! so yeah it's been a while, but yeah i'm here. lol lol

well, i totally think i'm in love! yeah just wanted to let the world know!! and he loves me! lol yeah i'm a bit giddy.

have to admit that it's been a bit doubtful in the beginning as to how i felt, but i can't stop thinking about him. the days he's gone i miss him terribly. but then he is there and a grin spreads across my face....lol

well, average jane signing off..

hullo all

2007-11-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

hullo all! i'm at work, waiting for my friend to come so we can go to lunch. lol i'm really hungry! and it's really been a while since we have gotten together and had time to really talk, so i'm excited. of sorts. i really love this friends. she is a good friend, but at times she is just so flaky...lol and it sometimes seems like she doesn't want to hang out, and things always seem to just come up when we had plans made. and maybe things just happen. and she's not making excuses. anyhoo. don't matter!

lol so life is going good! i'm finally catching up in all my classes!! it's end of semester soon so it's good that i am catching up!! lol anyhoo. but i'm all registered for next semester and the class i'm looking most forward to is my sign language class. i know some signs already but this will just get me better at all of it! :D lol oh and i dont' know if i've mentioned, but i should have my associates degree by end of next fall semester!!! i'm so excited! its totally thanx to my academy teachers in high school and all my other concurrent enrollment teachers. i graduated from high school with 25 out of 61-63 required credits for an associates degree!! :D i'm ecstatic if you cant tell!!!! lol

............

so i went to lunch and i'm back! :D it was fun...

then my grandma came into work to visit me! wow talk about surprise. it was nice she came in, but she just kept hanging around...lol but tha's all good..

well average jane signing off!

here i go again! lol

2007-11-24T23:31:00.000-07:00

so here i am posting again late at night...wow i better not make a habit of this. lol well, here goes it all again...

so the reason i'm here again is cuz i was thinking again. i know, that 's dangerous territory. lol but it had to do with the fact that i had a real hangout, a real talk with my best friend. we haven't done that in forever. and there were the silly moments and the serious and the downright hilarious moments. and just being with him and talking and acting silly really made me think about my life and realize for the first time in a few months, that yeah i'm still young. that's not a big deal. it means i still have time to experience life. i'm not expected to know it all now. i think i kind of forget that at my work because i am the youngest there by a good eight or nine year difference. so i forget that it's okay to still be young and want more out of life. i really needed this tonight. and i guess it also helped me even more to realize that life is changing and it's good. my public school days have passed. it's time for me to grow up past that. but at the same time, it's okay to be still unexperienced in the world. anyhoo...made me think about what i'm doing with my life. and i really don't want to get tangled up with this other guy right now. because i know that he's sort of lookin for serious. and i'm trying to convince myself that i really jsut need to have casual relationships. maybe some dating, but nothin serious. cuz i told my self that i'm not getting married young. and i know that won't happen. but also i told myself that i have things i need to see and do before i settle down. and it will be things i do on my own with no romantic attachments to them. so i just need to remind my self of that daily. and as much as it's nice to feel like someone cares, (and the kissing is nice. lol) i need to know that i have done my share of living life, and that i want to be with them for real, before i even get myself into what is happening now. i need to be strong, even though for some reason i feel guilty tellin him i don't want to be with him now, cuz he's kind of gettin divorced because of me sort of... but i cant just let things go on out of feeling guilty. if it comes down to it that i like him and want to be with him, then great. but a part of me knows that nothing serious could ever come of our relationship. there are a few crucial things that are diferent between us. i just need to remind myself of that...

so yeah off serious things. so my best friend and i actually ended up hanging out at walmart. let me say we have just had some fun times there! lol so he wanted to look at lamps cuz he just remembered he needed one that imitates sunlight for some photography stuff he was doing. lol so we then were looking at lamp shades and lamp bases. then he remarks that ppl might look at us and think we were shopping for our house. lol ( like we were together or sumthing! ) lol so then we just laughed, me especially hard, and just kept looking at stuff. then somehow we wandered over to the kitchen ware section! lol even more looked like we might be shopping for stuff together! lol yeah it was funny to say the least! totally made my night...

lol, well, now that its almost midnight, i'm gonna close and go to bed! i have church to attend tomorrow. lol and little kids to play with! :D love my kids....

averagejane signing off! :D

a small reflection

2007-11-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

so tomorrow is my birthday...i'll be 19. hm... i just got used to 18. and it's weird, cuz with all that has happened to me this year i feel like i've grown up so much in just one year. like who thought i would have fallen for a married man. and kissed him. if you had told me that a year ago, i would have just laughed in your face. honestly... cuz i mean i was just in a semi serious relationship and the last thing i wanted was to get into anthere relationship. i was still hoping for love. but i didnt' even consider finding it in such a different way. yes i did say love, i think my feelings may be developing in that direction. i'm not sure but maybe. anyhoo, so what a year it's been. i can't wait for the next 20 years...

averagejane signing off...

late night thoughts...

2007-11-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

well, here i sit at 12:09 am. there is just somethin inside of me not allowing me to go to sleep so i decided to surf the net. and here's where it lead me. my blog which i haven't updated in a while... so here goes nothing.

well, so i let my mom in on the whole situation with a very close, very married friend. and i have to say that the reaction was slightly different than what i initially expected. my mom just warned me a lot and reminded me what i had told her before. and i guess the hardest part is that this guy just makes me feel beautiful and special. tells me never to settle for just good enough. that i deserve more. and i feel just lucky to be around him. but always in the back of my mind is if i go out with him, what's to say he won't cheat on me, like he's done before and is doing now to his wife now? that crosses my mind all the time. and he has lied to me before. once or twice, but he's been honest with me since he made a promise to me to tell me the truth.

my friends, especially one special guy friend, warn that he's out for one thing, a piece of ass, to put in crudely. or sex in other words. but this guy knows he ain't gonna get it from me. i don't play that way at all. so i guess i really just want to believe that he's really into me and my personality. and i feel a sense of security with him in part. i don't entirely know why. and i would be lying if i said that i never think of what if i got so involved with him that we got married. i would be an instant mom to his little girl. and while that thought in itself warms my heart. just the safeness and feeling of being needed makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. but then the young, i'm-just-a-girl-still part of me isn't sure i want to commit to that all yet. maybe in a year or two. but, i still have a bit of life to experience.

also in the back of my mind is what all this marriage and then divorce is doing to his little girl. isn't she confused why she just got a new mommy, why her real mommy doesn't want her, and why this new mommy is gonna be leaving? it isn't healthy. and maybe that's why a part of me just wants to be her mommy and tell her i won't be leaving. even with every disagreement me and my mom have had, i still had mommy to go to when i was little. i can't even imagine what goes through this little girl's head. i just feel so sad for her. i love little kids and there is just something comforting about holding a little kid in your arms telling them it will all be okay and they just are comforted and snuggle up to you for protection and reassurance. as you get older, you don't snuggle up to mom or dad anymore. you just kind of have to fend for yourself. that's why i love jsut being able to comfort the little ones like that.

then on the other hand, i meet new ppl that i love talking to. and i wonder what i really want in life. ppl tell me, you have several years before you need to decide or think about really settling down. but then a part of me wonders what if i don't have all that long? after all who can really say that they won't die tomorrow. life will never cease to amze us or catch us unawares. that's why i try to just live each day to the fullest. try to experience new things. one of my fav. quotes is from the movie MONSTER IN LAW, with j. lo. she says as her character that "life is too short to live the same day twice." and that makes me think, really think...

i really shouldn't sit and think this late at night. or should i say early morning as it is now 1:05 am. lol i really get pensive and worried and wondering about life. so i think this is now a good time to stop before i really get going...

ok i lied i have one more thing to post. i went and visited my friend, and guy i used to date, chris, just out of the blue. and i have to admit i've missed talkin to him. really talking like we used to. but it's weird now. like we can still talk but i feel awkward in some things we talk about...but i miss him a lot. i just didn't really realize until now. but i need to remember there was a reason i stopped dating him. that we can only be friends. and i think he was happy i stopped by. but yeah...

now it's 1:12 am and i really am gonna get off here! i should sleep some .... but who's to say i really will.

average jane signing off....

my heart is saying yes...

2007-11-06T16:47:00.000-07:00

so...here's the deal. i did something a few weeks ago that i know was wrong, but felt so right...and the thing is, i want to do it again. but my mind is telling me no. my heart, well, i've allowed my emotions to get tied up in this...and nothing can happen right now... and if something did happen, i'd want it to be when both of us are unnattached. that it would happen cuz we both want it. no obligations or guilt trips... that's no way to live life... and yet i want something to happen right now. but it can't.. and i hate myself for wanting it to happen. cuz i think i'm falling fast and hard...in love maybe... cuz there has to be a physical and a mental attraction. wanting to be with someone for reasons beyond the physical part of a relationship. loving them for their mind and honesty. and i've found that...god i'm screwed up but here goes. i would live life wondering always, "what if..."

average jane signing off...

bad days, but will be resolved

2007-10-28T08:57:00.001-06:00

okay, i totally feel like shit right now. i feel like just curling up in a ball and crying. but i can't i have to pull myself together and work. i still have a job, unlike a friend of mine...
i came to work this morning, in a decent mood. i was getting my new computer all hooked up. and i had to go to another store to get myself a connection cord. i came back and got it all hooked up. then my friend comes up to me...he tells me that he's been fired. i took one look at his face and knew it wasnt' a joke this time... my friend is a tough guy, but he looked like he was having a hard time keeping it together. it broke my heart to see...
then, i hear other details about why he was fired. and it seemed that he'd possibly been stealing from the store. and of course rumors went around that he had been doing drugs... really got to me that i was wondering what was all true. i had myself doubting him... but then i went up to him as he was gettin his stuff together. i told him all i had been hearing. and all that was being said about him. he looked me in the eye and told me that none of it was true. and i believe him. with all of my heart. i should know that art wouldn't be doing drugs or stealing. that is not him.

but then later that night i was at a halloween party with friends and i get a text from him askin if i was busy and if he could call. and i said that he could call. so he does and we talk for a bit. he really was still upset about being fired and all. he said that he was upset and just needed someone to talk to. i'm glad he could feel comfortable talking to me.

then saturday. i was hanging at home and he calls up and we talk a bit. then he asks me a random question. he said, "do you think i'm a bad person?" and i said, what makes you ask that? and he explained that he had had a falling out with a friend. and i told him that i didn't think he was a bad person at all... so it all will be okay. cuz i think he has another job lined up already. and we might hang out today.

average jane signing off...

ps. this was written in part on friday, oct. 26 and part on sun. oct. 28

settled relationships

2007-10-24T20:03:00.000-06:00

so time for another update i guess. i don't really seem to have as much time lately to get on the computer and blog at work. but that's partly due to the fact that i have no computer at work for the moment... it kind of broke down. it was a dumb old used computer. but i should have one coming sometime this week. but yeah...

well, so things are definitely taking a turn for the better. it has been a weird two days. like everything seems to be happening all at once. last night art texted me first, not me texting him. and this is the first time this has ever happened. usually it is me initiating the conversation. then on top of that. he says that we really should go see a movie sometime this week. and i told him that we should and to tell me what day and i'll work it in to my schedule. almost immediately i get the text back that says thursday. wow. it was really crazy. that i got him to just really commit. and it's really funny. cuz it's set that we're gonna hang out! and then we were joking about something and we negotiated it to the fact that he owed me two movies... lol so it's really funny. at least to me.

so then i get to work and just kind of funny at work cuz art is still being nice. then, at the gut truck i'm lookin at the food options and i take a step back and step right on his toes! lol he jokes, "good thing i'm wearing my steel-toed shoes~!" lol good stuff. then art does his typical calling me up and talking like in a different voice. then he gets to the point. he asks me what i'm doin for lunch. and eventually gets to the fact that he's kind of asking me if i want to go the Parrothead Island Broiler for lunch. cuz i told him they had good food. lol so we go to lunch and of course everyone around steve regan co. (work) knows about it! lol yeah if shawna, the lady who covers my lunch breaks, knows about anything soon everyone at work will know. it's really more funny than annoying. but yeah. i had a good time with him. even though we didn't talk a whole lot, it wasn't an uncomfortable silence...it was cool. so tomorrow we are supposed to hang out!

oh and the cool thing also, i patched up my relationship with robert and just kind of redefined things. like i told him that i still stand on the fact that we can't have a relationship beyond friendship. and i'm glad that we talked. cuz he apologized for some things and i really have missed talking to him. cuz i feel as if i can really talk to him. it's kind of nice. so yeah life is stable again.

anyhoo...got to go. that is it for now.

averagejane signing off...

bite in the ass...

2007-10-11T16:52:00.001-06:00

so my stupid decision to kiss a certain friend is comin back to bite me in the ass...i have this guy cody that is finally gonna ask me out. and as mentioned before a kiss is the bargaining chip. well, so i just got a text from cody saying , "You were going to make me take you out three times and you let ______ (name edited) kiss you at work thats weak." yeah so not my proudest moment. in fact, one of my stupidest decisions... and now it 's gonna ruin things. and i have an explanation for what i did, though it will never excuse what i did.

but at the same time when i interpret what cody said, i hope he's not saying that i should just kiss him whatever. cuz normally i don't do what happened between me and this other friend. i honestly wish i never had done it. sure i learned from it. but if i hadn't done it...well i guess then again, if i hadn't what would have stopped me from doing it otherwise? i would have still felt as if i had somethign to prove. but, now i know that that was something i never had to prove to anyone, let alone myself...

well, g2g cuz we are closing...

average jane signing off...

Edit : i came back and edited some things because i realized they shouldn't jsut be said...

speeding thoughts

2007-10-11T08:55:00.000-06:00

well, so i know its weird but i'm bloggin again. but have you ever felt like you can just feel your life spinning out of control? that you need to do something to feel like you are in control? well, i always hear about how ppl are anorexic and don't eat because that may be the one thing in their life they can control. well, in my life, i just drive. i drive with no real direction. and the key to my driving is speed. i go fast and faster. last night i was driving home from my friend's house in sandy. and i was just driving down a basically empty freeway. and i almost got to 100 mph. i was around 95 mph. i like the speed cuz i prove to myself that on the turns or anything else that i can keep control. i love speed and the feel of the car dangerously speeding down the road. the risk of having the car going so fast. that at any turn it could spin out. but i have control...

that was how i was feeling last night and it contiues on somewhat to this morning. and the song today is "show me love", by t.A.T.u. again. (lyrics at http://artists.letssingit.com/tatu-lyrics-show-me-love-extended-version-w596wcd) but it just is my mood telling guys that make all these promises to me that they never fulfill. and right now i want the feeling that comes from having that special some one. cuz i'm just kind of in a rut in my life. or maybe not really a rut. but more that i have a facade that i put on for the whole world that never really is me. i find myself acting to please more often than not, as crazy as that my sound coming from me. i agree with ppl, cuz i want to fit in. i may put on this façade that i don't care. but i took this quiz about what my greatest fear is. and you think of the normal fears like spiders and the dark, and snakes. but this quiz hit it dead on. i may not like snakes or othre creepy crawlers. but my biggest fear is not being accepted. i rearely feel like i truly fit in anywhere. so if i let you in my life and if i truly consider you my best friend, then feel lucky. not that it's an honor or that i'm special or anything. just i have a hard time really letting ppl into who i am. for what i post here is merely the surface of what is me. and i guess sometimes i define myself by who i'm with. like they define how i act and who i talk to. it's complicated. but yeah... now i've babbled long enough.

average jane signing off

A humongous update!! :D

2007-10-10T12:32:00.001-06:00

a lot has gone on recently. i guess i've just been too lazy to tell it all...so now i have the time plus the motivation.

so, friday was an interesting day that began most of it. that would be october 5th. the day of my friend steph's wedding. well, so after work and in between going to her reception, i went to walmart with my sister. while there i saw my friend, jay funk, who i haven't really seen or talked to in like a year or so. he lives in my neighborhood, but because we both have lives and he has a full time job at desert star, where i used to work, we rarely see each other. but i have to admit that i really had a crush on him while i worked with him. he's only like 3 or 4 yrs. older than me. and seeing him again made me realize that i still have a crush on him. and can i jsut say that he gives great hugs!! i could just melt in his hugs... but we talked a bit and then i had to go. but we exchanged phone numbers...

so then it was time for stephs reception. so i threw on a skirt, then went to harmons for a card. it took me forever to find the right one that didn't seem all formal and old people-ish. and finally i found the perfect one. it said something along the lines of " i now pronounce you pookie and shnookums." and on the inside,"awww..." that totally fit steph and dave. cuz there was a time when steph was trying out pet names for dave. and we had names like shnookums and such. it was a riot. and dave's face each time we tried a new name was funny... lol so i got that card. then i went to the reception. i managed to get there right when steph was throwing the bouquet. she saw me come in and yelled at me to get over there. lol so i thought okay i can do this. cuz i have to admit that i was terribly worried how things would be. so then i kind of stepped back while the whole wedding group got some pics taken. and i was gonna go sit down at a table. but then looking over, i knew maybe two ppl there. and i wasn't sure how things were with them. and that's when i started to get teary eyed. cuz it was weird that a place that i used to feel was like my second home, now i felt so out of place in. and that's one of the worst things for me is to feel out of place. or not accepted. but the second thing didnt' apply this time.

so then i went through the line, and i gave sharon, steph's little sister a hug. then i went to stephs parents. and they made me feel good all over. cuz her dad is just like, "hey amybird!" (that name is an inside joke, that turned to our special thing) and then he acted like we had never met and said, "hi i'm the father of the bride," then turning to his wife, "and this is my wife." lol i shook their hands and played along with it. i love stephs parents beyond anything. they are my fav. but then i talked to steph and then on to dave's mom. she introduced herself and said that she thought she might have met me before. and i said yeah that i'd hung out with dave sometimes at their house. i didn't think it tactful to mention i had gone out with him, seein as he just got married. not that it mattered that we dated as we really just ended up friends. but yeah. then i talked to nathan, my bestest friend who was the best man. and i said and you are? and he introduced himself like we had never met. then he gave me a hug and said, "i don't normally hug strangers, but i have a feeling abt this." lol that really made me laugh. we chatted a minute then i just had to go. cuz i guess i had come hoping that everything would be back to normal. somehow. but then just being there and seeing how happy steph was, was just a reminder that nothing would be the same anymore. so neeedless to say, by the time i got to the parking lot, tears were streaming down my cheeks. i've always wondered abt when they say tears streaming down their cheeks. well, that's how it was. the tears just came. and i guess i made it worse driving home cuz i had a song playing called "for good" from the musical wicked. and one part really hit me. there is a part that says, (Elphaeba singing) "and just to clear the air i ask forgiveness for the things i've done you've blamed me for." (Glinda) "but then i guess we know there's blame to share, " (both) "and none of it seems to matter any more." so that reminded me of how steph and i had realized that we both had made stupid decisions and that ended our friendship. and i guess i wish i could say it doesn't matter anymore. but the fact is it does. cuz, nothing will be the same again. and i lost a best friend. and no matter how i try things wont' be the same. and a good portion of that is due to how i've changed over the summer. i have made more friends. but not to say they will ever replace my friendship with steph, but i've adapted and no longer will ever have one sole friendship that i rely on. cuz if things go sour, then it won't hurt as much, cuz it's not like my whole life is with that person.

well, now i got off on a tangent... so as i was driving home, i found out that my friend jay has a girlfriend so i was like oh. whatev. then i get a random text from my friend art. well, to make a long story short, he asked if i had a crush. and i told him i had two. and then he asked who they were. then asked if he were one of them. and so i told him that yes he was. and turns out he kinda likes me too. but i guess he's worried a bit about the whole dating some one from work. so yah. but i ran into him at walmart on saturday. and my sister was with me and she said that he definitely likes me! lol so that boosted me. but then when i came to work on monday, it was just like things were normal. but yeah. we might hang this weekend.

so then i hung with holly on sunday night and we just had a talk abt art and life and everything else. it was good. and i think what i really needed. good times... :)

but then lets see...oh the point of the above paragraph. well, while hangin with holly i was texting a friend cody. and then at one point i told him abt holly and he said i should hook them up. then i told him to ask chris about holly. so then he actually asked someone else about holly and they told cody she wasnt cute at all. and i got offended. so between this on monday and last night, tuesday, cody got the idea that i was mad at him, when i'm not. i'm just kind of mad at the person who said this abt. holly, most likely cuz she's a bit overweight, but freakin gorgeous, i think. anyhoo, so he texts me last night abt all this. well, so i tell him i'm not mad at him. and clear up this misunderstanding. then he said, btw you owe me a massage. and this was all from an earlier conversation. so i said, lol i'll give you that massage when you finally ask me out! ( cuz he keeps saying he'll ask me out. but just makes excuses.) then he replied, i'll ask you out if you dont deny me when i kiss you. so i replied, well i might be able to make that compromise...we'll see if you ask me out! so then he said, If you promise ill ask you out this weekend. so that totally caught me off guard. cuz he's been making excuses for weeks and now he's saying that he'll ask me out this weekend. so i had to think for a bit and acutally got advice from holly. so what i ended up telling him that i wouldn't deny him if he kissed me. but i told him if that's all he wanted from me then i would deny him. cuz i don't get down like that. never again. so we have that settled. but he has yet to ask me out. but if he doesnt' ask me out by thursday, i'll say no cuz i'll have plans of some sort. so as not to appear easy. cuz i'm not.

so yeah. that's abt what is all happening!! wow, that's a lot. so yeah...

well, there is this group called t.A.T.u. that i absolutely love and i just got their first CD. cuz i like it best. and there is this song called "all the things she said." and it's the song on my mind now cuz my mind keeps goin over everything art and cody said. like i don't think i like cody much anymore, except that he's cute and can be nice. and it would be fun to go out with him... but yeah... i'm just looking for casual dating. and it would be that with cody.
so yeah...

average jane signing off..

ps. btw cody smells really good, today especially. lol he just walked past me...mmmm..

EDIT: so after posting this all, i just had somethin else i was reminded to post. cuz i have to say that there is actually one guy that i like but dont' pursue anything with beyond friends. cuz he's already got a girlfriend. and she's so nice and sweet that i wouldn't think of even doin anything to get between them even if i could. (his name is casey, btw) but he's just way cute and just the right look that really makes me sigh. then art also has that look too...but just not the same as casey...*sigh*

Cool personality test

2007-10-06T09:41:00.001-06:00

The 5-Factor IPIP Personality Test

My Result: Inspirational

You inspire others around you with your creative energy and thirst for new experiences. You are exceptionally curious and aren't afraid of learning new things — which is probably because you tend to focus on the potential positive outcome of any experience rather than dwelling on the potential negatives. You are a true explorer in the word. You want to understand and experience it all, and you're especially open to new feelings and ideas.

Take this test >

i love life! he hee

2007-10-02T11:56:00.000-06:00

so, the funniest thing happened yesterday. so i was at work and my dad comes in to tell me they had dropped off the car for me to get home, cuz they had dropped me off at work. but then my mom comes in and says she thought she might as well see where i work while she's here. so of course i have to introduce her to all my wonderful friends at work. so i take her to pumps dept. to meet callie, and i tell my mom callie is my favorite. but then my dad who has already met most everyone says that i have to have mom meet Art, a guy back in pumps dept. who is a good friend and i kind of have a crush on. so, i go back to the shop to see if hes there, but he isn't. so then i just come back to my desk. like two minutes later, he calls up to my phone and i tell him to stay where he is that i want my parents to meet him. so i go back there and they all meet...

well, then my parents leave cuz they have places to be. but then like 20 min. later, my friend callie comes up to me and says that she is in trouble now. and i ask her what she'd done now. she told me that she had said to Art that my parents had come just to meet him! lol lol so then she said that he blushed. then asked if callie was serious. callie said yeah. then he kind of smiled. so i later questioned more about the smile. and she said that it was an "oh-she-likes-me" smile. then i asked if it was an "oh, awkward, she likes me" smile or an "oh-she-likes-me-pleased" smile. and callie said it was definitely a pleased "oh-she-likes-me" smile! lol

totally made my day. well, that's all.

average jane signing off! :D

a confession

2007-09-26T18:22:00.000-06:00

i've deleted this post...for my own reasons. those that have read it know what it said. but otherwise, it's gone forever...

average jane signing off.

feelings gettin in the way

2007-09-11T16:18:00.000-06:00

well, not too much has gone on since i last posted. but i guess it's time to update.

so there is this guy at work that is in the pumps departement. each day i spend my breaks back in the pumps dept. specifically the shop, not the front counter. anyways, so i began taking my breaks back there, kind of following what my friend holly, who's position i took over, used to do. she had crush on this guy back in pumps. she would tell me each day abt him and try to get me to see him and see how cute he was. of course as fate would have it, i never saw who she was talking about while she still worked here. but a few days after she was gone, i finally saw who she had been trying to get me to meet. i have to admit that i had this mental picture of what he'd look like. i had a mental picture of a tough guy, like i don't know how to describe what i thought of him. but then i met him, and he had that bit of tough guy look to him. but inside i found that he's really a softie. he loves cars, has a '57 studebaker i believe that he is trying to fix up. and i am growing to really like him more and more each day. cuz he's just so cute, and really is just a kid at heart. it's adorable, and endearing. and did i mention he's incredibly cute in a boyish kind of way. yeah. so i'm kind of really starting to like him. but i'm not doing anything about it cuz of three main reasons. 1) no more dating at work. way too much drama. 2) i'd hate to ruin a friendship and i have no idea how he feels about me. i love hanging out with him and if he thinks i'm starting to like him as more than a friend, then we might not hang out. cuz he really makes me laugh some times.. finally 3) i'm not dating at the moment. i found that guys and dating just complicate my life. i don't want to have the drama that has been going on in my life with cody and chris. the not knowing if they are actually gonna ask me out, the wondering where we stand, the not wanting to hurt the guy when i don't want to be as serious. yeah so that's why i'm backing off...

also i still very much like another guy at work. even though i shouldn't. because he was a jerk to me and is now married. but i can't help that he can be a decent guy some of the time. there are days when life seems like shit and i can talk to him. and he can tell when something is wrong. it's weird. but he also is asking me a lot if i'm okay. and i ask him also if he's okay. cuz i care. and i know i shouldn't care like this. but i do... anyhoo. that's my babbling for today.

how's school...well, i love school. but i'm gonna lighten my load next semester. and i'm sort of getting sick of my jewelry class. it's fun but i don't think it's quite for me. anyooo.

average jane signing off...

lol guys make me laugh! D:

2007-08-21T17:06:00.000-06:00

so i just have one thing to say.... what the fuck? (please excuse my language and i apologize spencer...) but you will totally understand when i tell you what has gone on today.

so we have a new warehouse guy. and let me answer the question you would be asking, because of previous entries. no i do not like the guy. he is not another warehouse guy i would consider going out with. totally just a friend. mostly cuz he's just a nice guy who's like at least mid thirtys. however. i think he likes me.

well, so i found out on my lunch break that this guy, Pablo, is new to steve regan and such... but he speaks very little english. he's from chile and speaks spanish. i speak a little spanish myself, so i tried to get what he was saying. it was kind of funny cuz when i tried telling him in spanish that my brother was in chile on a mission, i ended up telling him that my son was in chile! lol and he was so confused until i explained. lol but yeah. so then i really think nothing of him much until he starts to wink at me when he passes. and then he comes up to me and hands me a petunia he picked off darren's plant. then i go back in the warehouse to get somethin. he comes up to me, takes my hand and kisses it. he tells me he likes me then asks if he can get my number later. and me, still not being very smooth in saying no, said yes, (si). so yeah. now i have this guy that likes me! and i just met him today. but it's so damn annoying. why do i get the weird guys liking me!?!? lol but it's all good!

lol it's been a funny day. but i'll tell more later!!! it's closing Time!! :D

averagejane signing off!!!! :D

life and more!!! :D

2007-08-15T12:16:00.000-06:00

yesterday was up and down but ended up good...

the morning began okay. and i was just kind of there at work. not really happy nor sad or anything but, just kind of here. then i got a call around 2:30 pm that was for our accts. receivable. and i thought that she was just out of her office for a sec so i took a message for her. but turns out she was gone for the day. so i decided to try and figure out how to do this for the customer. and then i ended up printing statements for every customer we had. which turned out to be a whole bunch! oops... and so then i explained to shawna that i had just been trying to look up something not really meaning to print it all...and she was like yah that's why it's connie's job... and it kind of made me feel really stupid. and that just dampened my mood completely. but then it only got better.

so i was talking to cody at lunchtime and he made some comment about my having a cute butt! lol made me laugh. but then on my second break, at about 3:15 pm, i was talking to cody again and i spent like a half hour with him. then i came back and not five min. later cody comes up and says that chris had asked him (cody) if i was a good kisser. total insult to the both of us that we would be so rude. and such. but i was like whatev. and cody told me that only made him want to kiss me even more! lol really funny. but then the day went on and at closing time cody came up to the front and we talked about just different stuff. it was cool and we were talking about stuff for real, not just the little stuff. and it was good to really start gettin to know him. then he asked if i could do him a favor and give him a ride to the trax/ bus station. and i did. then he just asked me some stuff...good times! lol i still laugh thinking of our conversation... :D but good times

so today. well, chris came up to me on my break and we talked a bit. and i confronted him about what he had said to cody. and he said that he was out of line and such. (turns out that he actually apologized to cody too...) but yeah. and then he said that to be friends we have to talk. and that it just felt like i was avoiding him. and maybe i was sort of. but he thought that in one instance yesterday in the break room that i purposely left cuz he came in. and that so wasn't the case this time. i just was leaving as he came in. and i guess that another part that irks me is thatto me it seems he expects to spend a lot of time with him as we're supposed to be friends. but i just want to spend more time gettin to know cody. and he doesn't seem to be gettin that. like he looked sad when i said that i was gonna go talk to cody. but i really just wanted to talk to cody...and so i told chris that. but yeah. anyhoo...thats' life... and all for now!

average jane signing off~

hard things to do...

2007-08-13T18:59:00.000-06:00

i just did one of the hardest things for myself just now. it took a great deal of courage to do it. but i can't explain now. i will in about a week or so. cuz in doing so it will let out things i don't want to tell of at the moment. but it was hard. and i don't even know why i'm writing this, but i am. cuz i really would have rather not do it. but i know it would make a friend incredibly happy. so i did it. and i hope it all works out.

in my situation at work, i just had the most random thought. i behaved similarly to how chris is acting now, as when i did with steph and dave. i was just gettin mad at chris and casey for buttin into my business, when that is just what i did in steph and dave's case. that was none of my business. i should have just stated how i felt and left it at that. they seem happy together. and i should have jsut left it at that. but no i had to be childish and just be oober jealous that steph was spending more time with dave than me. and i guess that's just how it goes. i admit i was jealous. i felt that steph was abandoning me and choosing dave over me. and she was choosing to be with dave. so we both played a part. but i definitely acted childish in my actions. so here i apologize once again steph and dave for all that i've done. i should've butted out. sorry...i don't expect us to be friends in the near future at all, but at least maybe we can just let this settle and talk civily to each other. i guess it took me having a similar situation to see that i was acting almost as childish as chris.

you know, this year has been a time of growing up. especially this summer...i'm learning to take responsibility like in my job, and i'm learning that i acted really childish in some things. time to be more grown up. time to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. way stupid. but i have to say that there hardly is a day that goes by that i don't wish i still had steph to talk to, to hang out with. i'll do or hear little things that remind me of some fun thing me and steph did. like how she was green and i was red. and last christmas, her gift said to red from green. or the one night that she was driving me home at like 2 in the morning. we were at a stoplight and it was red. she was saying, "red! red! red! red! " trying to get it to change so we could go and i was like "don't you mean green?" lol we bust up laughing cuz we were so tired and giddy. and other memories, like how she insists on spelling uber like "oober" . she won't spell it any other way! lol good times that are past. well, i guess it only hurts to dwell on the past. but everything happens for a reason. that i believe with all my heart. i wish that i hadn't had to ruin a friendship for my life to take this path.but i have found that this path is where im meant to be for now. and smart person learns from their mistakes. so i'm learning, very slowly i admit.

so i doubt steph or dave will read this, but if they do, i hope they know that i really am sorry. please forgive my childish acts...

well, yeah... thats' all for now..

averagejane signing off.... (sorry.

more drama but it's all good!! :D

2007-08-13T16:32:00.000-06:00

well, here i am...once again blogging my life to the whole world. well, making it available to the whole world, though probably only read by few...anyhoo, i'm babbling. but yeah, so things are interesting around the office. it's odd having everyone know about my dating life... and to have some rumors going around about me. like i just had my friend in the pumps dept. ask me if i was back with chris. and i so am not. cuz i don't want to get back in that drama with him. but at the same time i'm also wondering what i'm just doing overall. but my horoscope says to have a positive outlook on life today and that i can just relax. so i guess that means dont' worry and that things will work out... so here goes.

but so whats goin on in my life. well, the biggest thing right now is actually a date i have wednesday. well, big in the sense that it's the only thing i have going on and i really can't wait for it to be over. i'm goin on a date with darion on weds. he finally got the guts to ask me out and i said yes and am now regretting it... cuz he seems to think that we are boyfriend and girlfriend, though i specifically made sure he knew that we weren't. he called me four times one day in the space of two and a half hours, three of them in the space of an hour... and i was at work so i didn't answer them, plus i found out it was him so i didn't answer. but once i go out with him on weds. i don't have to again. cuz i will be busy and i will make plans that i absolutely cannot break for him... i know pathetic but it's how i get by!! :D

now, to the other stuff in my life....well i went and saw the movie "hairspray" and it was fantastic!!!! i wasn't so sure at first if i would like it cuz me and my sis actually went to see "becoming jane," but it was sold out!!! oh my we weren't expecting that! but hairspray was awsome! i recommend you all see it!

and...well, so my new crush at work. how are things with him.... well, he finally asked for my number on friday and we actually texted for a bit. but his charger was having issues so he never actually called me. well that is what he said. and for now i'm gonna believe him, but not put too much worry into if he calls me or what will happen between me and him. if it happens it happens. but, i really just need to keep my personal life, like my dating life, separate from work. i don't need more rumors and such goin on at work. i already have plenty from all of my dating chris shit...but yeah...

so i was talkin to cody just a bit ago. and then i came back to my desk cuz my break was over. and not five minutes later, cody comes up to me and says that another guy who works in warehouse, casey, saw cody and i talkin and was going to go tell chris that we had been talkin. that kind of pissed me off. and i guess it really pissed me off cuz i didn't think it was his business to go running to chris tellin him that me and cody had been talking, cuz that really depresses him for some reason. but its not like we're tryin to hide that we're talking. just if chris doesn't notice it, then why cause more drama and tell him? just common sense. but yeah the ppl here at work sometimes revolve around drama. it's funny sometimes, but damn annoying a lot lately. anyhoo, so i'm still gonna talk to cody, we're just gonna keep it on the DL. cuz why deliberately cause more drama? but yeah. i just dont' think its any body's business to spread rumors and shit. so i've definitely been keeping more of everything i hear to myself. i only will tell ppl stuff that i observe to be true with my own two eyes. i'm not gonna go spreading things i hear from others that i haven't seen for myself. that is what i'm gonna avoid. cuz i hate being in the middle of such.

well, i've babbled enough... lol :D but life is really not too bad at the moment! i will survive! lol totally thinkin of that song, "i'm a survivor, i'm gonna make, i will survive, keep on survivn..." lol its great!!!

averagejane signin off!!! (life is okay!! :D )

actin like a ditz and likin' guys@!!

2007-08-09T18:23:00.000-06:00

well, let's just say things are gonna be interesting. well, at least i hope they will be. cuz i'm ready for something to happen.

so work was decent today. the morning actually began pretty good cuz i got the rest i needed and i was ready for work and anxious to see cody. so i got to work right at 8 am. like i'm supposed to. things all in all were a good morning. then sometime about just before my lunch break, i had something to deliver to Friz, back in the shipping office. i could have just thrown it through the window into the basket but i like to walk around every so often. and as an after bonus, i got to see cody. but so i went back into the office and put the paper on Friz's desk and as i walked in the office i noticed that cody and casey were in the office. i walked past them, put the paper down and went to walk out. on my way out cody said hi to me and asked how my day was. then i replied as i kept walking .and to explain somethin, the door to the shipping office is actually several strips of thick plastic. so when i went to walk out, i tried to part the strips. and turned out i missed one right in the middle. so as i walked out, half turning my face to reply, i knocked my glasses askew. it was silly. and i don't think cody saw. but i still felt like an idiot. turned out even if he did see, it didn't affect anything to do with me and cody.

later on about 3 pm, cody came up front and ate some peanuts while he talked to me. we just talked about random things in general. it was cool. and he asked how things were going with chris. and i told him that chris and i were talking. that i was trying to emphasize that we were just friends. and that i felt he was chilling and that things would be okay. cody seemed happy to hear that. he told me that he first told chris he wouldn't go out with me at all. but then he said he wouldn't go out with me until he (chris) was chill. but then cody told me that he'd give it another week or so, then he'd talk with chris if he wasnt' chill yet. cuz he said that chris was gonna be jealous of whoever i went out with... but i think we'll be okay. and cody said, then we can go on a date, then asked me, that is if you're still interested. and i joked a minute with him. and said, well, i'm not sure. then i said just kidding! i'm still interested. lol it felt really good to know he was still interested in me.

then the coolest news, and yet somewhat interesting news came from robert. i saw him and said hey what's up? and then somehow he mentioned something about the drama back in the warehouse. and i was like sounds like fun. and he told me, "you're the talk of the warehouse." and i said oh yeah, how? then he explained, "well, there's chris that talks about you, then art, and cody and george." and i asked, "how does george fit into this?" robert said," well, cody has to talk to george..." and i laughed. it was really funny... to be what the whole warehouse is talkin about...lol but then i got to thinkin. will the ppl just think of me as some person who just dates everyone? cuz first off i like robert, almost date him, then chris and i do actually date him. then now i like cody. i also thought of what my friend calls this girl that basically dated everyone in their school class. they say that she is like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn. i hope that no one thinks of me that way. but yeah. so that's my worries.

but i have to admit that i'd never thought a guy as amzingly cute and smart would like me. let's just say i'm the nerdy girl in school. that everyone will be friends with, but doesn't think of as more than a friend. bute here is this amzing guy. he's smart. and he doesn't like ppl to lie about themselves or to lie in general. he says he hates that more than anything. and he said that he's a bad boy ,and i'm a good girl, but that sometimes you just can't ignore the attraction. and he knows i'm a good girl of sorts, and yet he still likes me. and i can just be me. it's so cool. but things are good

but so things are going okay. and i can't wait to see cody tomorrow. but yeah..life's okay..
oh and i'm gettin my hair done special on saturday. i'll let you all know how it turns out.

average jane signing off! :D

thoughts at work...

2007-08-08T15:11:00.000-06:00

so here i sit at work. and i'm in kind of a funk, of sorts. but it's hard to explain. but i need to write this all down. so here goes.

well, so today i've only once seen chris. and that was in the break room for lunch. and while it's to be expected, i still was surprised i hadn't seen him all day until lunch. cuz it's like he's a constant presence in my life and at work. i'm always seeing him. but i do admit that he purposely would take the will call orders to come up and see me. but now, he isn't taking them, specifically i think to avoid me. i'm not entirely sure on that though. anyhoo, so i saw him in the break room. and at first i didn't talk to him and he didn't talk to me. it was kind of awkward, and he was stomping around and being rough with things and seemed upset of sorts. then he stomped out of the break room and then came back with the movie moulin rouge. and we had talked about how i hadn't seen it so he told me that i'd have to borrow it some time. so i guess today was that sometime.

but so then i asked chris if he was okay. and he said he was. just a bit frustrated. he thought that cody was gonna move in tonight. but yeah. so he was frustrated about that. and our fertilizer room was not going right in the organizing they were doing. but the thing is that we talked and i told him about my date with darion that i am now regretting. as he called me four times yesterday in two and a half hour period. ugh!! but yeah.

so i'm just waiting for things to cool down with chris. because it's like things are at a standstill with cody and i. like we say hi. but that's about it. we really haven't talked since yesterday about all of that and him tellin me that he likes me. but i guess he's just been busy in the warehouse. they always seem so busy. cuz there are so many customers that need things pulled off the shelves. but yeah...

well, so as it comes near closing time, i have things i need to finish up, so i'll close this post. but just my random thoughts and feelings.....

averagejane signing off....(i'm in a weird mood)

yeah i'm silly

2007-08-07T19:36:00.000-06:00

so i know that i just posted like a few hours ago. but i just have to say again that i was so freaking surprised when cody told me that he liked me and had for a while. and the fact that he had been nervous to approach me just makes me laugh and so giddy. cuz guys don't usually act that way around me. i was the smart one in school. and the way i talk sometimes was just a tad to specific and exact that would make the cute guys like cody go "huh?" but cody is not just a pretty face. he's smart. and he knows what makes a girl special and how to treat a girl. well, i hope that chris can mellow out and chill so that i can go out with cody a few times at least. but yeah.

so yeah well chris just texted me. and i think i might take this chance to make him see that we really just have to be friends and cool things off. so that way i can try to hurry along things and just let work not be so much drama...

anyhoo,
averagejane signing off! :D life is good.

boy drama and fun@!!!

2007-08-07T16:37:00.000-06:00

lol so i just had to type that! but so an update on my life is in order!! :D

well, so so much drama has happened with chris. and i'm about fed up with it. so here it is!

well so on weds. i told chris that i was still gonna date other guys and made sure he knew that. and that there were other guys that i am interested in and then he asked if i liked someone else at work. and not gonna lie to him i said that yes i did. then he asked me questions and tried to figure out who it was that i liked. but, yah. and he acted all jealous and like a clingy boyfriend. and that was really annoying. so then he calls me on thurs. and apologized for acting like an ass. (his words and not mine) but then he acted like everything was okay. and when we talked on sunday, he acted like we were cool and said he hoped we could be friends. so then i come to work on mon. and i talk to my friend art. and turns out that chris on friday was asking around tryin to find out who it was i liked at work. but then i guess he had narrowed it down to art and cody, then to art and was givin him shit on friday. but, yah. so i confronted chris (on tues.) about it and tried to play it down as nothin. and such. but then anyways. i told art yesterday that it actually was cody that i liked. so he's all like "oh let me hook you up!' god it's so funny cuz he's like a freakin matchmaker! lol but yeah so he talked to cody and told me that cody liked me and such. but i didn't really believe him cuz i saw no indication from cody yet.

so then today, i came into work and on my first break went and talked to art. and we chatte about chris and art. and finally i found chris and confronted him about friday. then i told him that we would be just friends. then on my lunch break, cody kept comin up in the break room and seemed to want to talk to me. but there were just so many ppl in there. then finally it was just me and david and cody. and so finally cody told me that he liked me and that chris had just beat him to the punch and asked me out. he said that part of him was not wanting to start something because of chris and more drama and hurt feelings, but then a part of him was worried that i'd be swooped up by another guy and he (cody) would have missed his chance. lol that totally made me smile. that this guy thought i was such a catch that other guys might be after me!! :D but yeah. so then i told him that i had a crush on him but didn't say anything because of chris and not knowing how he (cody) would feel. but yeah. so things are cool!! :D i'm so excited. well works over so i'll close!

ttyl!

average jane signing off! :D

missing him but lovin cali!! :D

2007-07-22T21:26:00.000-06:00

hey all!!!! so i'm in cali right now!! that is california!!! :D but i'm incredibly bored so here is my update since i've been so busy and not much time to write!!!

well, as most of my friends who read this know, i'm in california right now on family vacation. we came for disneyland!!! it's been two years since we came last and i am glad to be back. but at the same time i am terribly missing some people. like right now and for the past few days i have been terribly missing a guy i'm sort of dating. it's complicated. well, i've mentioned him before. his name is chris... and i have been missing him something fierce. i actually just had to call him last night on my sister's phone, cuz mine has no service outside utah!! :( bummer!! but i got to talk to him for about fifteen minutes which was good for me. but as we were driving yesterday, it seemed that he was all i could think about. just wanting him close to me. but alas, he is so far away. and this is totally not like me. and i'm the one who wanted to slow things down, but here i am a lot of miles away ( i don't know the exact amount) and i'm missing him terribly!!! what is wrong with me.... but yeah. so that is my babble about chris for now....

but, i really am excited for disneyland. i love that place. of course the first ride me and my sister rachel are goin on is pirates of the carribean!!! i so can't wait. and then the tower of terror at least a few hundred times!!! lol but yeah. oh and btw, i'm typing all this on my sister rachels laptop! she brought it with her andn we have free wireless internet at our hotel.... but i really can't wait for tomorrow!!! and i'm sure the week will just fly by cuz i'll be having so much fun!!!

but i just have to mention again that i'm missing chris a lot... but i'll see him in a week! cuz i'm calling him as soon as i get back and i'll show up at his place. but yeah i'm just so far gone. and i'm not really sure what to do. cuz even though i want to slow it down to be safe, whenever i'm near him i don't want to leave. he makes me happy and laugh, and makes me believe in myself and push life to the limits. it's great. cuz no one has ever really done that for me before. like i know my mom says you can do it! go for it. but that is mostly in academics. chris pulls me out of my books and pulls me into real life and real experiences! its' the most amzing feeling especially to know he's there beside me all the way. cuz i know he only wants the best for me. and i think i'm in his life for a reason. cuz i think he really wants to quit smoking, but i need to be here to provide some extra motivation!!! yeah, he's helped me so much all ready, now it's my turn! so here i go. oh god, i miss him. his arms around me, his kisses....lol

enough said, so it's been crazy. but i got to go!!!

average jane signing off!!! (disneyland here i come!!! chris, honey, see you soon!! :D )

guys and what to do

2007-07-11T20:19:00.001-06:00

this past day i have done so much thinking. actually its been more than just the past day. but the majority of my thinking has come together today. cuz me and chris are getting more serious. and there is that lovely little alarm going off in me, like it did in my relationship with dave. and i'm beginning to ask myself what the hell i'm getting into. and i'm starting to freak a bit. and you wouldn't guess it at all from how i've been acting. like me and chris spend so much time together. and he's such a sweetheart. and i hate to admit that my sister was right, but i enjoy kissing. and so does chris. he kisses me a good amount. anyhoo, but the point is, he's getting attached to me and seems head over heels in love with me, per se. and i really like him, but i see the other guys at work, like cody and art, and i wonder what i'm getting into if i become serious with chris. like i really like cody, and he's so cute and he's a nice guy. and i also don't want to bring up chris' hopes so much that i hurt him and break his heart. cuz that would break mine. so i think that i just need to tell him that we need to take things slower. and just enjoy it without expecting anything beyond dating as friends. but yeah....

so that's my life right now. and i'm doing great. cuz i have a good guy in my life. and he makes me laugh. and smile. also i have a great job that allows me money to have fun and do things with friends...

well i got to go...

average jane signing off! : P

just life and such

2007-07-06T18:57:00.000-06:00

well, it's been a few days since i've written, but i have a good explanation. i got into an accident on tuesday and i've been in the hospital..... just kidding. about the hospital part though.... i really did get in an accident. it was only a fender bender. and only damaged my car really. it would cost me around the same to replace the parts i damaged as to get a new car. so my parents will prob. just get a new car eventually...but my car is okay and i'm okay. i had a little whiplash, but not too bad. and of course i got a ticket for negligent collision. you know, i don't really know why i was so distracted and why my car didn't stop or why i didn't just swerve. i had been texting a bit, but i had plenty of space to stop and i slammed on my brakes and i was only going like 45 mph. but i guess maybe i was just so distracted. but if i ever get caught in that sort of situation again, i will remember to swerve and save myself the ticket and the damage. but yeah.

oh and so that night when i was in the accident i was actually on my way to pick up chris to go to the rodeo. and i was all high strung when i got to his house, but he was so sweet and we just relaxed and i calmed down. he was amzing about all of it. it actually turned out to be better that we just hung out at his apartment. i really had a good time. and he was just so cute. it all turned out okay.

but then on wednesday, july fourth we ended up going to sugarhouse for the fireworks and i had a good time. it was really good fireworks, the best i've seen i have to admit. we walked back to my car. and then we hung there for a sec. and kissed. lol it was good...but then we managed to make it back to his place to hang for about 20 min. then he walked me to my car, and kissed me goodnight. then i managed to get home before midnight!!!! :D

but, thursday robert showed up for work. and it was kind of funny to see him. and you know? i really don't have such hard feelings for him. not anymore. i've kind of gotten over it sort of. like i still think he's a jerk, but i don't care anymore because i'm not gonna be fooled again. and i can actually talk to him civilly and say hi. but yeah. that chapter is closed, and we just exist as acquaintances.

but, so i have a "date" lol for saturday. somehow, my friend meisha ended up setting up a date with my cousin and she was talking to me about it and told me that she wanted to know if i wanted to come with her. so i told her sure. and i called up my bud nathan to see if he wanted to come with me! and it looks like we're gonna hang on saturday. cuz we haven't hung out for a month. but yeah that should be a blast.

anyhoo, so i thought that i should take things slower with chris. and i wasn't gonna do anything this weekend with chris, that's why i didn't ask him to come with me on saturday. but he might call tonight, and we'll probably do something. whether we go to a movie or just hang at his place.

oh and i have to put in a plug here. so there is something called net radio. it's really pretty much amzing. but ppl are trying to make it so costly that it would basically get rid of net radio. and i don't know how many of you listen to it. but for my sake and those that listen, take a stand. let your congressmen know that they shouldn't up the price of the net radio. thats why i put the banners on my blog. so please take a stand and go to savenetradio.org and do what you can!!! please cuz there is not much time left...

but yeah....well, that's all for this time. til later.

averagejane signing off!

oh and side note, so i hadn't worn my second piercing for a while and i tried to put an earring back in, and amzingly i got it back it. so yeah.... but i love life...:D

a first time for everything...

2007-07-01T11:21:00.000-06:00

so it's been a few days and it seems a lifetime of things has happened to me in them. i feel changed and different, just a tad older and more in control of my life. it's kind of nice. but let me tell you what's happened and you can see what i mean.

so on thursday i got the biggest shocker of my life. just when i thought i could really believe robert, it turns out i was wrong. i guess maybe i just wanted so much to believe him that i disbelieved what everyone else was telling me. everyone had told me that chris would never lie. and it took someone else coming up and telling me that robert did have a girlfriend and that they actually got engaged to wake me up. i was just sitting at my desk when gilbert from the pumps dept. came to my desk and said,' robert's girlfriend just came and was showing off her engagement ring.' and he said that robert had a smug/proud look on his face when she was showing it off...silly me to actually believe him. but chris came up about ten or so minutes later and the first thing i said to him was,' i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i didn't believe you were telling the truth.' and he said,' thanx.' and so i got that all sorted out. but i really wanted to slug robert so hard for lying to my face three consecutive times that he didn't have a girlfriend. i hate that i still believed him. but that's now in the past. but before i found all this out i actually told chris, ' you know, whatever drama has gone on, let's just forget it. i don't care anymore.' cuz chris is a great guy. but then he did turn out to be telling the truth. silly me for that. so then we still planned on going out on friday.

so the funny part of this whole story is that chris doesn't have a car. he has a motorcycle but is still trying hard to register it. so our date on friday, he walked from his place down to the dollar theater and we watched a movie and ate something at arbys. it was way fun. after the movie, we just sat on the back of my car and talked. about everything. it was so cool cuz not only is he a great listener, but he actually discusses things with me. that's one difference that i found from any other guy i have liked. and it was so amzing. and we got to talkin about the mtns. and i found that he loves to go up in the mtns. so we kind of said, oh one time we have to go up there. and he had a waterfall he wanted to show me. but we set no definite time. then, i had to leave to make it back a half hour after my curfew. my parents weren't really mad.

then saturday the 30th. i went to the taylorsville dayzz parade and i actually got a bit sunburnt. but i texted chris to see if he was awake yet. and he finally texted me around noon. and i was out delivering flyers for sumthing. and he asked me what my plans were for that day. and i told him i just had to pass out these flyers, do some dishes, then take a shower. but i asked him why. and he said that he wanted to show me his waterfall. so we made plans for me to call him as soon as i was ready. then i picked him up and we went up little cottonwood canyon and found his waterfall and actually explored off to the side of it. it was fun. then i told him about donut falls and he said he'd never been there. so he said, why dont' you show me. cuz he'd shown me somthing new so now i'd show him somthing new. so we drove up big cottonwood canyon. and i forgot how far up the canyon it was so i got scared that i was going the wrong way. but i found it. and so we drove up to the parking lot and found a space. then we began our hike. it didnt' take us too long to hike it. but then we got to the waterfall and you have to climb up to the place where the water actually falls. it was a little difficult geting up, but chris was so sweet and helped me up. there was actually one part that was so difficult that he really was helping me. and he pulled me up and i kind of fell into his arms. it was comfortable....but then we got to the top and he asked if i had ever been above the falls. and i hadnt' and told him i really was too scared to go up there. and he pestered me a little asking if i was curious to see what was up there. but then i said fine lets go. and he said, you don't have to if you dont' want to. i won't make you. but i said no i'm goin up. so i went up with him coming behind me. and you know. it was even more beautiful up there. it was breathtaking and gorgeous. i'm glad he pushed me to try going up. he's just a great guy to encourage me to try new things and get me out of the bubble i've been in so long. but then we waded in the little pool at the top, then decided to climb back down. we got back down to the main trail and i kind of kept slipping and such, so i held his hand for support. and then i said, i guess you'll just have to hold my hand so i don't fall. and then we held hands the whole way down. it was amzing... he's so sweet. but then i took him home and dropped him off about 7 pm. then i went home and got ready for the fireworks cuz my pants were all dusty from the hike. but so then at about 9 pm i went and picked him up and we went to the fireworks. he met my parents and they were nice and such. but then we went and found our own spot and laid down to watch the fireworks. we ended up holding hands. and then after the fireworks were over, we just stayed in the park, just cuddling and talking. there were moments of silence but they were reflective silence rather than uncomfortable. it was way nice. then about 11:39 i checked my phone and said, i probably should go so i make curfew. and he said yeah maybe you should. but then i bent to get my flip flops and he put his arm around me and pulled me close saying 'you're not going anywhere!' lol and i just snuggled up to him and didnt argue cuz i didn't want to leave. but then at one point i turned to look at him and he was looking at me. then his hand went to my chin and he pulled me close, and kissed me. it was so cute. it wasn't perfect as this was my first kiss. but it was so cute nonetheless. *sigh* and i told him it was my first kiss. and he was so cute about it and how i was not experienced in kissing. but then we did leave cuz it was now like 12:10 or so in the morning. so then we walked back to my car, hand in hand. and i drove him home. once i got to his apartment, i turned off the car and just sat there with him. cuz i didn't want him to go. but then he turned to me and kissed me several more times. i think i did better kissing those times. but i feel that i will have many chances to improve.... :D so i look forward to whatever comes of this.

of course i didn't tell my parents of this or my sister rachel. cuz i don't know how they would react. i told only holly. cuz she understands... it's nice. but yeah. i was floating on cloud nine last night and i can't wait to see him tomorrow. *sigh* my life is going right for once. and it's totally been unplanned...

average jane signing off...(i'm so far gone...)

it will be okay...time will heal all things...

2007-06-27T19:55:00.001-06:00

well, so i have to admit that the first part of work today was hell to get through. and last night i couldn't sleep and couldn't figure out what to do. but i think i have figured out some portion of it.

almost everything i feel is telling me to believe robert. i know him just a tad better and he has always been serious and upfront with me. also, chris all but admitted his guilt when he didn't show up to work today. and the other thing is that his closest friend casey is also upset with him that he stooped that low as to tell lies to get a girl. like robert said, a girl isn't worth a friendship. or in my case, if i were in his situation, a guy isn't worth a friendship. i learned that the hard way. but yeah. and i told robert that everything is telling me to believe him and for that reason i will give chris a chance. but i asked two things of robert. i told him i would like to meet his sister. and he agreed. then i asked that he call me tonight. i gave him my cell phone number. and he said he'd call. he even had it memorized before he left work today. it was kind of flattering. but he said he'd call tonight. and i hope he doesn't disappoint. especially now that i'm really gonna trust him.

but i think things will be okay. hmm...but i'm waiting for him to call and i got two texts simultaneously and it totally set my heart racing. it was funny! :D but i better post this!

averagejane signing off... (things will be okay. he still likes me!)

don't know who to believe anymore....

2007-06-26T20:09:00.000-06:00

i don't know who or what to believe anymore. honestly, cuz i confronted robert today about what chris had told me. of course not saying that i had heard it from chris. (i started typing robert instead of chris....god i have robert on my mind... i'm helpless) but he told me straight to my face that he doesn't have a girlfriend or fiance. that emily really is his sister. and he told me he'd bring her in and introduce her to me as his sister and such. and i was gonna tell him i wanted him to do that. but i forgot. but we talked and he answered all my questions and admitted guilt to some things. like he admitted telling chris the day after he had asked me out to go ask me out. cuz by then he had realized how much chris really liked me. and he admitted that he was with chris on friday. cuz he was supposed to stand me up and that's supposedly why we got cut off on the phone cuz chris came up. and when i confronted robert about how chris had said robert had a little girl, robert said that was true. he does have a little girl, presumably from a previous marriage. but then he told me once again that he was and still is very much interested in me. but he's letting chris have a chance and see if things work out between me and chris. but he says he doesn't think they will work out, but the reason he called me friday night is because he got to thinking that if things didn't work out between me and chris, and then me and him, robert, started goin out and got serious... well, he didn't want me to completely hate him. i mean how could he be the one in the wrong. but maybe i am partially biased in robert's case. i don't know. but i'm goin out with chris this weekend. though i don't know what to do with him. cuz he came up to me and apologized for jerking me around. but i don't know if that means he was partially lying to me or if it means that he just is sorry that i'm gettin so jerked around...i dont' know. but i have to admit that i need to figure this all out soon or else i will seriously go crazy...

average jane signing off....

confused and hurt

2007-06-25T20:19:00.000-06:00

so, things are not as they seemed to be, i think. cuz i got some new information, that very much makes sense. more than robert did, though i still am being cautious with everything. so here it is.

robert was supposed to call me on saturday, and didn't. so today i saw him and he said that he was so sorry that he didn't call and that he just spaced it. and i was like, 'uh huh...' and i told him i had gotten a cell phone and he asked if he could have it. and i was gonna give it to him. but he never came to get it from me. so i was waiting for chris to aske me out, cuz robert said he would today. so then closing time came and chris came up to me and we talked. he came up and told me that robert was just a big liar. and chris said he'd been just staying on the sidelines of this, but felt that he couldn't just watch me get into this deeper and get hurt. so he explained that the girl that robert kept saying was his sister is actually his girlfriend. actually his fiance. and that they are to be married in two weeks. that robert doesnt' even have a sister. also, it turns out that friday night, robert really was standing me up. turns out his girlfriend got off work early, and he and chris and she went bowling that night. and that he must have been calling me from there, cuz he called from a pay phone. and all that story about chris and him getting in a fight and chris wanting him to stand me up, seems to be a lie. i still don't know that all this is true for sure. but i want to know what is true. because parts of chris' story really make sense. like why robert said no to doing anything else on friday. cuz he was with his girlfriend. and just other little tidbits making sense. but i guess i just want to believe so hard that one person is really a great guy, cuz i want to meet a great guy that really, truly is interested in me that maybe i'm trying too hard to make them right. also , it seems that robert was married before and has a little girl. and that he had a girlfriend while he was married and a mistress. that part i don't really have a way to know for sure it's true. but it doesn't matter all too much to me now. i just want to know if robert does have a girlfriend/fiance. i think i'll shock him into tripping up and admitting something. like just say, 'so how's your girlfriend?' but yeah.

so me and chris talked for quite some time after work. i left work around 5:40ish. cuz me and chris were just talking and talking and it really was nice. but i ended up giving him a ride a little ways and dropping him off at a bus stop near my house and he caught a bus to his house. but on the drive to the bus stop we talked about a lot of things. also, as i stopped to let him out, he asked me, 'so are you doing anything friday?' and i said,'umm...no.' he then said, ' so we should do something then.' and i said 'definitely.' so he said,' i'll see you at work tomorrow.' and i said yeah. then i drove off as he walked to the bus stop and i waved goodbye and he waved bye also. but i think this might work out. but i'm gonna just be cautious still.

so yeah that's the new drama. i have to admit i so want to just go up to him and yell at him. and punch him really hard. cuz i also can't believe i was so stupid to believe him. but now i will get down to the bottom of all this.

anyhoo, tha's it. so i'll be okay. i'm working it all through...

averagejane signing off