my tears

here i am yet again, posting more stuff. but, i've been watching charmed, the tv series a lot lately. it's a good show and it makes me laugh. it's good to laugh someitmes. it's hard lately to find things that make me laugh. i've especially been down lately.

just yesterday at 9pm, a friend i really care about left. not permanently. just for a little while. i don't know how long. but, i'm gonna pray he's okay. after all fatih is all i've got right now. i care and because i care so much i have to try. i have to hope he's okay. i just have to. i know he's strong and he can make it. there are still unknown factors that i have to consider. i hope he's okay.

there is this song that i've found that really explains my feelings. it's called starts with goodbye. by carrie underwood. the chorus is really my feelings. "i guess it's gonna have to hurt, i guess i'm gonna have to cry. and let go off some things i've loved to get to the other side, i guess it's gonna break me down." i'm not ashamed to admit i cried myself to sleep last night with worry. but, i know if i have fatih it'll all be okay. (spencer no i still don't want to talk about religion) and the only thing i can tdo is to know that it's human to be hurt and worried and want to cry. so i'm glad that i'm still human enough to care.i hope that i don't ever lost that.

i can't write much else because as i write this,tears are streaming down my face. i'm home alone and so i can cry and not care about what my family thinks. and i wreally wish i could just hug this special friend right now. but, i can't cuzif i could it would bean that he is heare right now and safe. but, i can't write anymore.i can't take this crying. i 've gotta go.

average jane signing off. (my faith is all that keeps me going right now.)

what's wrong...

well, i thought i was out of the worst of it. i guess i still have those depressing moments. and the hardest part is i don't know how to get out of this funk. i was totally in a bad mood and i passed it of as i was mad. but i was more worried, frustrated, and sad. deeply sad and the hardest thing is that i have no idea how to solve it all. i have no answers.

but, i don't have anymore to say. so i sign off. (i can't live like this. :(

emotions really confuse a person

well, so felt the need to post. today's post is about emotions. there are a lot of emotions that i've honestly been feeling lately. among the many emotions out there, there are 4 that i have been feeling most: worry, happiness, frustration, and sadness.

i feel happy when i am around my friends. whenever i'm around steph, i'm happy. she has this uncanny ability to make me feel great even if i've been having a bad day. nathan can make me laugh too. he always can tell when i've been having a bad day. and dave, i've always been really happy with him. i may get frustrated, hence that emotion among the 4 emotions, but, when it comes down to it all, i really am happy. he knows what i like, he knows just what to say to make me smile. and he's really great.

but, dave makes me worry. he's in the army and so sometimes whatever he's involved with concerning the army, he is in some considerable danger, thus the worry. but, i guess all i can do is worry, and care, and hope that all will be okay.

and lately i've been plagued with sadness. there have been a couple of days that i have truly been down. and i guess you could call me seim-suicidal. cuz i did take some pills. but, i knew the pills wouldn't have killed me. i only took a few. and i wouldn't have taken the pills if i had known they really ight have killed me. or would i have? i really can't say honestly. but, i think i've come out of the worst. i'm okay.

right now though, i'm at home. i've kind of sluffing school. i didn't feel like going to my 4th period so i came home and i called my mom at work to tell her that my class had let me leave to do some research for a speech. and she believed me. but that's enough for today.

average jane signing off.

happy New Year!!!

happy new years everyone! hope this year brings only the best. i have to say that i started the year off right with my best friend. i first off went to see her perform at the conference center. a new year's eve youth fireside. i have to admit that i wouldnt' have normally gone to this kind of a thing. yet, because my best friend was in it i decided to give it a chance. and i have to say that i really liked it. it was great music and fun to listen to. and even the talks were pretty good.

but, then i went to steph's house and we stayed up watching step up,a really awsome movie. then we played this random game called dummies. it really is a hilarious game! me and steph kind of ended up hurting ourselves a bit. not really too much. just a bit of bruising on the forehead, steph you know what i mean! :D overally it was really fun.

and then when it was 12:00 am, we rang in the new year with a bottle each of martinelli's sparkling cider! on my first sip, i actually spit up most of it laughing and it spilled all over the upstairs kitchen floor. really funny. but, then over the course of the next forty-five minutes, we alternately ended up cracking up laughing and spitting the cider all over ourselves and spilling some on her carpet in her front room. it really made me laugh! we eventually ended up finishing both of our bottles of martinelli by 12:45. it kind of was a bad idea. we both i think felt sick after drinking all of it. but, it was fun and we'll have good memories of that night! :D oh and we made one quick phone call at midnight to dave to tell him happy new year. unfortunately he didn't answer. but , i left a voice mail! anyhoo. happy new year once again to everyone.

oh and i might get around to making some new years resolutions. if i do i'll post them.

average jane signing off!