an update on my moratorium

well, so i'm still trying hard with this moratorium thing. cuz i know that it's best for now. and honestly. i think i deal better with guys just as friends. cuz then i don't feel as awkwrd sometimes telling them certain things. it 's just a friendship. and you know. yesterday i was at a concert and the cathedral of the madeline. i had to go to it to use it for a humanities "cultural event." and i have this great friend that is engaged. she got engaged on her 18th birthday this year. and she isnt' getting married until next june. and a little while a go i was jealous that she had a great guy. and it relly was kind of hard. bu,t the funniest thing was that last night, i simply just didn't care. beyond the fact that their snuggling and kissing just got a bit annoying. i didnt at all feel like i wish i had a guy with me. and it seems i've made a little progress.

but, anyhoo. so nothing has changed with tall guy. in fact i havent' even seen him since the 29th of november. almost a week. it's like he's never at school anymore. and it's kind of weird.

and i have to admit that i have conflicting emotions on something else, i won't mention. but, i thin kthe best solution for me is to simplly not think about it. just forget it and move on. and so that is the action i am going to take. and maybe it will turn out to be the wrong one. but, at least i did something. and so that's how my life is.

actually over all, life is good. i should probably actually do my homework. but, that seems too much effort to me right now! :D anyhoo.

well, average jane signing off. :D

all's fair in love in war (or is it?)

all's fair in love and war, at least that's what they all say. but, i don't know. i don't really agree with that cliche.(unless of course it's getting revenge on a guy! j/k not really.) honestly, it's jsut an excuse to do whatever you feel in a relationship. an excuse to be mean or such and have an excuse for it. and it sucks. but, i guess that life sometimes hands us crap to make us better ppl. at least that's what my mom would say. but, ya know. i guess maybe i feel the same way too. cuz i know without the experiences i've had, i wouldn't be where i am today. but, then i wish the fates wouldn't mess with my mind and heart and hormones. i swear there a re days when i'm bi-polar or sumthin. maybe it's just cuz i'm a girl. but, there are those moments when i know exactly what i want out of life. i know exactly where i'm going. and then i have the days i don't know. nd of course once i think i've really decided, that 's when a change comes and i realize that i want something different. and right now i know what i want. and honestly i'm very sure of it. yet if you had asked me yesterday what i needed or wanted then it would have been the complete opposite of what i know i need now. and you know. i think most of my problems have stemmed from my being so "boy crazy," per se. thus i've come to the decision that i really need to just stay away from being more than friends with guys. honestly. i think i just need to be me and have my friends, but, i can't deal with anything more. i really can't . and now that i've come to this realization, who knows how long it'll last. when it comes to matters of the heart, that is when i know i need to consulte my brain and it hasn't failed me in the past. so now i make it official! i swear off guys for this whole school year. actually indefinitely until i decide otherwise. cuz i only complicate things if i mess with all of that. and i know it won't be the easiest thing to do. but, i know that for my sanity an well being i have to.

average jane signing off. (my moratorium from guys begins.)

thoughts of religion, VL and other such stuff!

hey, so i was jsut sitting on my bed and looking at my toenails today. cuz for my birthday, i painted them all a different color. pretty interesting result. so i painted them purple, red, yellow, green,blue, and a sort of white/purple. they are pretty amzing if i do say so myself. hee hee! :D

but, then last night i had this dream. i was with tall guy and he was holding my hand and it was like we were going out. and it was him reaching to take my hand and we were jsut walking and he put his arm around me and it just felt amzing. and i know i shouldn't be thinking about this. cuz tall guy was a jerk and i'm not gonna set myself up to be hurt again. but, dreams i seriously have no control over. and that sucks. well, sometimes they are good dreams

so yeah i'm totally still VL. for those of you who dont' know what that means, oh well, ask someone who knows, because i'm not gonna take the time to explain. but, so on the day i turned 18, i totally thought about that. and i thought, yeah, sweet 18. and i wonder. is that a good or bad thing. i guess it is good. because a kiss is something special. you shouldnt go around jsut kissing anyone. same as sex. i honestly think that premarital sex is so wrong. if you love someone enough to have sex, then you would love them enough to marry them right? honestly. and maybe the same could be said to apply with kisses. i don't know. i guess as the years go on i'll figure that out. my random thought of the day.

and so, today is sunday. another day of church come and gone. and every time i'm in church i wonder. i wonder, is there really a god? and what is the right gospel? what really is true? i know even as i write this that i will soon hear from my good friend spencer. and he'll tell me what he believes. and i guess i do believe there is a god. i mean how could the whole of everything come to pass. how else could it all happen. honestly. but, i don't know where religion is in my life. where it goes. i've tried sometimes to try and integrate it into my life. but, it somehow just doesn't seem to fit. maybe it's just that i dont' deal well with change. after all i've kind of pushed religion aside since 9th grade of 10th grade. and so i've kind of gotten used to my life. but, i dunno. i kind of want religion. to and extent. but, i'm still so confused. anyhoo, just my constant state of mind.

but, yeah thanx to my friends. i have the greatest bunch. you all know who you are.

and right now i'm watching the polar express. good show. and i gues i've blabbered long enough.

average jane signing off.

ho hum! HEE HEE!

hey, it's me again. well, i just had an enlightening experience reading army guy's blog. i hadn't read it in a while, and he had a few new posts. so i checked them out. and it kind of gave me the chills to hear that i was the one he trusted most with his personal stuff. like he had told me the most personal stuff. and it was nice to know he trusted me so much.

anyhoo, so enough of sad. i kinda started getting myself down in the dumps again. but, i just have to say, i'm glad i have this to come to everyday. i honestly have so much fun postin all of this then hearing back from paleo. he's funny. and he makes me laugh. especially when he does that whole cousin elizabeth thing. hee hee. well, i just have to say it makes my day to hear from him. well, unfortunately, i have to go to work. bu,t it shouldnt be all too bad. at least i can think of the crazy and funny and sweeet things paleo said and smile. oh and also smile cuz i dont have to work on sunday!!

hey this is average jane signing off! (smile because of great friends!)

happy turkey day!!!

hey, so happy turkey day everyone. i can't believe it's already thanksgiving. that means that christmas is in month from tomorrow. wow. how crazy is that. but, yeah so i just got finished watching the macy's thanksgiving day parade. i taped part of it cuz i couldn't watch it earlier. it was really cool cuz RBD, a latin group, performed, along with jonas brothers, josh kelly and chris brown and ciarra performed. really amzing. i love to hear them sing and it was cool to see them live, sort of. but, then there were really cool floats and balloons. i liked the balloon of scooby doo. really cool. oh and then ther was this float with "barbie" on it. i loved the song she danced to. it's called shine.

but, yeah so for thanksgiving i'm gonna be eating with my mom's family. and unfortunately, my grandpa just remarried about a month ago. and so my grandpa's new wife will be at the dinner thingy. and i really dont like her. sometimes it seems too much that she's trying to take over my grandma's place. my grandma's only been dead two years on nov. 21st. and it seems way too soon for my grandpa to remarry. most of the family are still upset about it. and she had the gall to send some letter or sumthin and sign it mom and dad. she'll never be "mom". really dumb. and then she had to send us a card for thanksgiving and her return address sticker said Mrs. William W. Thorup. really made me mad. i know she's married to my grandpa, but, she doesn't have to flaunt it. anyhoo, that's my mad spree for the day. it'll all be okay.

so i decided to take the advice of a good friend of mine. he said that it's amzing how music affects your mood. he said a sad song may come on and you'll listen for a bit. but he changes to a happy song. and so he unknowingly gave me good advice. so i've been trying all today to listen to happy music. if a sad song comes on, or a mad one, i'll listen for a sec if i like the song. but then i quickly change to a happier song. so far it has kept me in a better mood. so i'm gonna keep up with that. anyhoo.

well, i gotta go check on other stuff.

average jane signing off! (have fun stuffing your faces, but remember to be grateful for all you have! afterall, that's what this day is all about! oh ps. i'm gratefull for all my friends. stephie, nathan, spencer, dave, lydia, cami, noely, hilarie, jason c., jason b., tiffany, and all the others i can't think of right now! thanx so much guys!)

thoughts to keep me awake

well, last night i lay in bed thinking. i was trying to get to sleep and i couldn't because my mind wouldn't let me rest. i kept thinking about my life and how so much has changed, especially in the past few months. and i think i still very much like a great guy who my chance has come and gone with. yet i dont' know for sure where my feelings stand. i don't know. and i can't act on it because it is way too complicated. and thoughts of that kept me up for a while. but, it basically was pointless to even think about it because i can't do anything about it. yet, my mind somehow didn't catch on to it.

anyhoo. well, i'm home sick again. and i'm watching mobsters and mormons. a really funny show. i really can't believe i've never seen it before. but, so i wish that i was at school still, instead of bored out of my mind at home. and you know this horrible part in the movie just happened. the mobster family got into their car and then their car blew up. just blew up. it wasn't fair. they were coming around to be okay. and then they jsut got blown up. i know it's still a movie. but, then this kind of stuff happens in real life. like the columbine high school shooting. nothing happens the way it should. innocent people are killed just because they believe in god. and it's not fair. my mom's always telling me life isn't fair and to just get over it. but, still it makes me stop and just stand still in horror at the crazy things. and sometimes i wonder if i believed in god if i would stand up for it if someone asked me at gunpoint if i believed in god. and you know. i wish i really did know. but, that's how it all goes.

anyhoo, once again i want to thank my friends for all they do for me. all the love, friendship and encouragement they have given me.

paleo, thanx for your friendship and concern. you really have become one of my closest friends even though i've never met you face to face, though someday i hope to.

slypig. hey i've known you since we were sophomores. crazy aint' it. well, your friendship and encouragement to be myself means a lot to me. i know we'll be friends forever.

army guy, it's been great having you as a friend.you are truly a gentleman and the kindest guy i know, along with paleo. (and paleo and army guy, no denying my compliments. :D ) you are one of my greatest friends and i hope we stay in touch.

and freak, i love ya. you are so funny and you let me jsut be my crazy self.

thanx again everyone. you are all amzing.

ps. oh the mobster family didnt really blow up. thank goodness.

and right now i'll finish off my stay at home watching hogan's heroes. i need a good laugh. well, later

average jane signing off.

birthday thanx!

so here i am. i'm back after being gone for a long time. and yesterday was my 18th birthday. overally it was great. i had tonz of birthday wishes from my special friend dr. paleo. it wa great. really made my day. another thing that made my day was the fact that my good friend army man, came by and dropped off a gift for my birthday. he gave me the fourth season of Hogan's Heroes. me and him had talked about how i could never find the fourth season. and he found it and gave it to me for my birthday. that really made me smile.. and then slypig sent me an email for my birthday and it was so great and made me smile. i really have the greatest friends. and i'm so glad i've met them all. if it hadn't been for slypig, i doubt i would ever have met army guy or paleo. so thanx sent to slypig for everything. he's my greatest friend.

but, today i am unfortunately home sick. i woke up this morning and my head was pounding and i felt like i'd only got about 2 hrs of sleep. i didn't sleep well at all last night. so i told my parents i should stay home and they let me. so yeah. but, well, i'm watching hogan's heroes as i type this. i really love this show. it was really great. really hilarious. cuz colonel klink just ran his car into his apartment cuz the prisoners didn't put the brake cables back in! hee hee! thanx again army guy. but, so i finally set up my own bank account yesterday and i will have my own checks and my own debit card and everything within the next two weeks. it's great.

oh yesterday night i went and saw superman returns with slypig and a few other friends. it was a good movie, but the best of it was just being with my friends. it was good to know that i had such great friends to want to share my birthday with me. and slypig was a gentleman and got popcorn! really nice. but so my birthday was great thanx to all my great friends. thanx all of you! *big hug sent to you all*


oh this is an add on from my original post. so for those of you who have been reading my previous posts about tall guy, well things have turned around a bit. i talked to him and he apologized for all that he said and said that he hadn't meant to hurt me. he said that sometimes he says stupid shit to fit in with people. and he was sincere. so i forgave him and right now we stand as just friends. he still has his stupid girlfriend. but, that's how life goes. and thank goodness i got everything settled with tall guy. even though i was terribly hurty by what he said, he didn't really mean it. but, so i don't set myself up to be hurt again, i won't let myself be more than a friend with tall guy. so yeah, that's how life is.

average jane signing off.