a bad day, but last night was good!

so, yeah today really sucked. i totally was first off proud of myself for being all dressed up for t&t, but, then i get to school and i realize i need my choir getup. and so i have a friend drive me home to get it. and then we sang and it sounded dumb. we totally messed up and so now i have to go to a f***in' (please excuse my french) 6:30 am rehearsal. and what' s worse is i probably won't get home from work until 11 and to bed at midnight and then i have to get up by 5 am. ugh! totally sucky day.

but, yesterday night was good! i got to talk to a totally special guy. he came into my work. and he's cute and funny. i think he knows who he is. but, it really made my night. but, then i tried to tell my sister rachel about it all and she is just stupid and doesn't get it. she thinks i'm just setting him up to be hurt again. but, not this time. i realized my mistake. and she and my mom just don't get it. i really hate them right now. ugh. but, it's okay. i have a very special guy in my life. and so it's all good.

well, average jane signing off.

so it's sunday once again. i honestly don't really like sundays. beyond the fact that i have to go to church. sundays give me too much time to think. and today, first and foremost on my mind is army man. he's been there on my mind for about a week now. even more since saturday. and i'm beyond worried. i can't stop thinking about his possible deployment. it has me seriously worried. and i know that i've already said i'm worried. let's just say i've been told that it is way beyond how dangerous i had perceived it. and hearing this, it really put my feelings more into perspective. yet, i haven't had the chance to talk to army man face to face yet. for what i have to say, needs to be said when i can see him. and i have to say i can't wait to see him.

also, i got to talk to my best friend. we talked about our problems. he needed to talk to me about his girl issues. and then i told him of my worries about army man. and he said that he echoes my concerns. and i almost felt like crying. because i really am worried. the hardest part about it is that right now i can't do anything about it. and it's hard. but, i guess the best i can do is just wait.

average jane signing off.

thoughts that worry me

well, so i was hanging out with a good friend of mine at a baby shower for her cousin. and i have to admit, i bet it was hell to have to deal with her family. i really feel bad for all the shit that her family deals out. like her grandma was downright rude and inconsiderate. and of course my friend dished it out right back. i have to admit it was just a bit funny to see it. only a little bit.

but, as we were driving home, (we had an hour drive) we got to talking about a guy that means a lot to me. army guy. and he has the choice of whether he wants to be deployed overseas for 10 to 18 months. and i think there's a good possibility that this deployment could be a lot more dangerous than he has been letting on. and it scares me to be honest. i was just sitting next to my friend. and i began to cry. it really made me think about the fact that he could die. and i cried and she told me not to cry cuz then she was gonna cry. but, i told her. i already have a few friends that are semi-suicidal. i don't need another friend that could possibly die. and i couldn't bear it especially with army guy. honestly. it would kill me. and it really hit me so hard. and for the most of the ride home, thoughts of him kept going through my head. i hope he knows how much he means to me. and he'll probably read this and hopefully he'll understand how special he is. and i just had to write all this down.

oh and this moratorium thing, not working too well, when i still very much care for this guy. hmmmm.....

anyhoo, this is average jane signing off. (a worried, very average jane. )

quote of the week

hey so i've decided to do a quote of the week for my blog. and well, i was reading this yesterday and it's totally become my new theme for life. because it's the truest thing i've ever heard.


"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

an update on my moratorium

well, so i'm still trying hard with this moratorium thing. cuz i know that it's best for now. and honestly. i think i deal better with guys just as friends. cuz then i don't feel as awkwrd sometimes telling them certain things. it 's just a friendship. and you know. yesterday i was at a concert and the cathedral of the madeline. i had to go to it to use it for a humanities "cultural event." and i have this great friend that is engaged. she got engaged on her 18th birthday this year. and she isnt' getting married until next june. and a little while a go i was jealous that she had a great guy. and it relly was kind of hard. bu,t the funniest thing was that last night, i simply just didn't care. beyond the fact that their snuggling and kissing just got a bit annoying. i didnt at all feel like i wish i had a guy with me. and it seems i've made a little progress.

but, anyhoo. so nothing has changed with tall guy. in fact i havent' even seen him since the 29th of november. almost a week. it's like he's never at school anymore. and it's kind of weird.

and i have to admit that i have conflicting emotions on something else, i won't mention. but, i thin kthe best solution for me is to simplly not think about it. just forget it and move on. and so that is the action i am going to take. and maybe it will turn out to be the wrong one. but, at least i did something. and so that's how my life is.

actually over all, life is good. i should probably actually do my homework. but, that seems too much effort to me right now! :D anyhoo.

well, average jane signing off. :D

all's fair in love in war (or is it?)

all's fair in love and war, at least that's what they all say. but, i don't know. i don't really agree with that cliche.(unless of course it's getting revenge on a guy! j/k not really.) honestly, it's jsut an excuse to do whatever you feel in a relationship. an excuse to be mean or such and have an excuse for it. and it sucks. but, i guess that life sometimes hands us crap to make us better ppl. at least that's what my mom would say. but, ya know. i guess maybe i feel the same way too. cuz i know without the experiences i've had, i wouldn't be where i am today. but, then i wish the fates wouldn't mess with my mind and heart and hormones. i swear there a re days when i'm bi-polar or sumthin. maybe it's just cuz i'm a girl. but, there are those moments when i know exactly what i want out of life. i know exactly where i'm going. and then i have the days i don't know. nd of course once i think i've really decided, that 's when a change comes and i realize that i want something different. and right now i know what i want. and honestly i'm very sure of it. yet if you had asked me yesterday what i needed or wanted then it would have been the complete opposite of what i know i need now. and you know. i think most of my problems have stemmed from my being so "boy crazy," per se. thus i've come to the decision that i really need to just stay away from being more than friends with guys. honestly. i think i just need to be me and have my friends, but, i can't deal with anything more. i really can't . and now that i've come to this realization, who knows how long it'll last. when it comes to matters of the heart, that is when i know i need to consulte my brain and it hasn't failed me in the past. so now i make it official! i swear off guys for this whole school year. actually indefinitely until i decide otherwise. cuz i only complicate things if i mess with all of that. and i know it won't be the easiest thing to do. but, i know that for my sanity an well being i have to.

average jane signing off. (my moratorium from guys begins.)

thoughts of religion, VL and other such stuff!

hey, so i was jsut sitting on my bed and looking at my toenails today. cuz for my birthday, i painted them all a different color. pretty interesting result. so i painted them purple, red, yellow, green,blue, and a sort of white/purple. they are pretty amzing if i do say so myself. hee hee! :D

but, then last night i had this dream. i was with tall guy and he was holding my hand and it was like we were going out. and it was him reaching to take my hand and we were jsut walking and he put his arm around me and it just felt amzing. and i know i shouldn't be thinking about this. cuz tall guy was a jerk and i'm not gonna set myself up to be hurt again. but, dreams i seriously have no control over. and that sucks. well, sometimes they are good dreams

so yeah i'm totally still VL. for those of you who dont' know what that means, oh well, ask someone who knows, because i'm not gonna take the time to explain. but, so on the day i turned 18, i totally thought about that. and i thought, yeah, sweet 18. and i wonder. is that a good or bad thing. i guess it is good. because a kiss is something special. you shouldnt go around jsut kissing anyone. same as sex. i honestly think that premarital sex is so wrong. if you love someone enough to have sex, then you would love them enough to marry them right? honestly. and maybe the same could be said to apply with kisses. i don't know. i guess as the years go on i'll figure that out. my random thought of the day.

and so, today is sunday. another day of church come and gone. and every time i'm in church i wonder. i wonder, is there really a god? and what is the right gospel? what really is true? i know even as i write this that i will soon hear from my good friend spencer. and he'll tell me what he believes. and i guess i do believe there is a god. i mean how could the whole of everything come to pass. how else could it all happen. honestly. but, i don't know where religion is in my life. where it goes. i've tried sometimes to try and integrate it into my life. but, it somehow just doesn't seem to fit. maybe it's just that i dont' deal well with change. after all i've kind of pushed religion aside since 9th grade of 10th grade. and so i've kind of gotten used to my life. but, i dunno. i kind of want religion. to and extent. but, i'm still so confused. anyhoo, just my constant state of mind.

but, yeah thanx to my friends. i have the greatest bunch. you all know who you are.

and right now i'm watching the polar express. good show. and i gues i've blabbered long enough.

average jane signing off.