bad dreams and sad wishes

last night i had a semi disturbing dream. i was at some car repair place. and some person named kendra, a friend of mine it seems in the dream, was there to have something worked on her car. they had fixed it then she was starting her car and smoke was coming out of her car when she turned the key. i began to yell at her to stop it and couldn't she see the smoke and all. then her car burst into flames i saw her struggle to get out of the passenger side of her car. then i heard someone yelling at me to run. they said something about gettting away as far as possible. so i turned and ran hoping that kendra was okay. (it's weird that i distinctly remember this girl's name.) but, i had to hurry and weave my way through car after car and the gas pump. if i didn't hurry the whole place was gonna go up with so much gasoline everywhere. i got out safely and i didn't know where kendra was. but, then it was like i was right by her when she was geting out and i saw how she got out and ran and kept running. and so i knew she was safe.

so that is my dream. and i can't remember anything else i dreamed last night. just that, that dream.

but, last night i went to my cousin's house for a b-day party. after we got home, i was in my bedroom lying on my bed. i was just staring off into space. and i really was feeling very down. i was listening to "Tourniquet" by Evanescence. love that group. but, i sat there and i really just found some comfort in being alone. i really needed to be alone. i've been feeling that a lot lately. like i don't think i can deal with being around ppl much. i dont' know. call me anti social or sumthin. but, i even didn't want to talk to my best friend about all of this last night. i just don't want to talk to anyone aobut this. but, somehow. just posting all of this makes it seem a bit better. like i can get my feelings out without directly having to tell anyone. this blog really is just for me. and more and more lately, i'm becoming comfortable about posting almost anything i feel like saying. because i know that i don't really care what anyone thinks of me and what i write. cuz it's me and if they don't like it that sucks for them. but, at the same time, maybe i do care. just not enough to keep me from writing all of this. sometimes i think it would be so much easier if i didn't care or didnt have feelings. often i get hurt, but i turn the hurt into anger, because no one can use that against me. ever. and so i go on through life, some days hurt and i'm so lost, but i'm okay. at least i think i am. i'm still here posting aren't i. but, today i really just need to be alone and jsut lose myself in a book. for in books, life works out, always. so i'm going to my fairytale world and maybe find some temporary happiness.

average jane signing off. (hey still here for now...)