conflicting emotions

so, you ever had that time in your life when you feel so confused? well, that's how my life is on a regular basis. at least for the past few months. i may seem that i have it all together but, those who really know me, like liberty belle, know that it's been a hard few months. i'll have days when i think i know exactly what i want in my life, exactly what path i'm going on. but, then just as quick, i'll have doubts and then i begin to wonder if the path i'm on is the right one for me. i'll begin to doubt some of the relationships i have with some ppl and wonder what i really want. i'll have days i'm so sure of everything it seems. i feel good and i know just how the world is gonna be for me. but, then the next day, i'll be lost again, and then i'll decide that i want just the opposite of what i wanted the day before. and it not only confuses me. it confuses my closest friends and i fear i'm sending mixed signals to those i truly care about. and that's hard . and i have to admit. there are times that i'm so missing a special someone in my life. and it's hard to just sit and not do anything, because i don't know if the next day i'll feel the opposite and then end up hurting this person. i couldn't hurt this person, cuz i really do care. and right now. i got an email from this person telling me that they wished they could just hold me. and right now, i couldn't wish for anything better than just to have him hold me. i miss him tonz. but, here i sit, not acting on it, because i'm afraid i'll do something to hurt him. and it really sucks. i wish my heart and my head could just come together on this for once and for all. *sigh*

but, last night i acted on impulse to call him from downtown of the city i live in. i had a performance with my women's choir. and i talked to him for like an hour. and i hav to admit. it was really nice. there were times when we just said nothin at all. but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. it just was a simple silence. i didn't need to say anything. i knew he was just on the other end. there for me. a good feeling. and all today i can't stop thinking about him. like this whole past two weeks i can't go a day without thinking about him. and i probably should n't think as much, because i've foudn that only makes trouble for me and my feelings. but,there are those days when thoughts of him make me smile. and who knows, maybe tomorrow i'll feel differently about what i jsut said. i swear sometimes i'm bi-polar or sumthin *eye roll*. but, for now this is how i feel. anyhoo.

average jane signing off. (why do we have such conflicting emotions anyway? *scowl*)

cookies and guys, what a combination

so last night i had a lot of fun with my friend liberty belle. she and i made cookies. it was the most random thing because normally me cooking is not even an option. she just said like two days ago, that she felt like making cookies. so yesterday we did. we were gonna do it at her house, but her pipes were rotted and decaying and had to be fixed. total pain in the butt for her. so we ended up doing it at my house. which actually turned out to be tonz of fun. we made chocolate chip cookies and snickerdoodles. but the snickerdoodles were special cuz they were christmas cookies. they had red and green sugar crystals. i thought they were pretty cool because my mom and i always make them around christmas time. and we had to make snickerdoodles because liberty belle's friend that we were gonna take cookies to, well, this friend's favorite cookie is snickerdoodle. but, we made chocolate chip also cuz who doesn't love chocolate chip cookies! :D

but, so it took us around and hour or so to make the cookies plus travel time from her house to mine. but, then we delivered the cookies. so we took them to liberty belle's friend , army man and slypig. three of the most special guys! hee hee! but, anyhoo, so we stopped by slypig's house first as it's closest to my house. even as we left to deliver i knew we were cutting it close cuz i had a performance to be at in about 4o min. but, i think we totally surprised slypig when we showed up with cookies. and i'm glad. it's more fun that way! : D but, we stayed and talked for a minute, then it was on to liberty belle's friends house. we were invited in and i have to admit. this friend was not exactly what i expected, even thought i had seen pics of him. but, he was funny and really nice and i told liberty belle i totally approve. but, anyhoo. i met this friend's mom. and she was funny and cool. but, we stayed a bit too long at that house, cuz we had to rush to army man's house. and i have to say i was a bit nervous to go. because i don't know how everything stands with him right now. but, then he answered the door and i kind of told him we brought him cookies. and i have to admit my first thought was oh my gosh. he looks so hot. and he really did. he looked cute cuz he had on this white t-shirt and pants and he just looked relaxed like it was just another day at home lounging around. and i don't why i'm being so bold in just typing all of this. but, he did look really cute. and i kind of said that i had to rush off to perform and he asked where and i told him at a friend's church. but, then i kind of hesitated then said goodbye. cuz i wanted to hug him but, i didnt' know. and gosh this is all so awkward again. but, it's totally just me. cuz i dont' want to mess it up again. anyhoo.

but, then i went and performed and then i came home and i talked to liberty belle on the phone for an hour. unfortunately i was talking to her on the phone and i was kind of falling asleep. so i told her goodbye and then i went to bed. but, i couldn't sleep very well. my head hurt and i couldn't breath very well. so i woke up like tonz during the night. this morning i asked my mom if i could jsut sleep and skip my first two periods of school. and she said okay. so here i am typing all of this down. but, i should be leaving in a little while. i've got to catch my last two periods. they are classes i can't miss. too much to work on. but, anyhoo. that's life. and so i miss someone. and i wish i could be with them more. anyhoo. i gotta go.

average jane signing off. (maybe my headache will go away soon.)

an emotional breakdown

well, so i had to work last night and so it was alright at first. but, then i had one customer come up and i got into a real conversation. i mentioned that she had a lot of stuff. and she said that just as she thought that she was done with her christmas shopping, she found more she had to buy. and i mentioned that i had bought something for a friend of mine. and then i found something else i wanted to get for him. i told her it was something related to the army and such since he was in the army. and she said oh well that might be good if he's overseas. i told her that he wasn't overseas but that he has a choice to be deployed overseas and that he is only 17. and she said that he needs to stay around a while longer. i told her he's already been in combat before. and she turned and looked at me with a mixture of sympathy and compassion on her face and said one simple sentence. she said, tell him thank you. and then she took her purchases and left. at that simple sentence, tears began to fill my eyes and my throat clogged up with emotion. my next customer came up and as i told him his total, i could hear in my voice that i was still very emotional. and the guy said two words. i'm sorry. it was simple but heartfelt and just that threatened to make me break down completely. somehow i managed to pull myself together and make it through the rest of the night.

then today, i had a 6:30 am rehearsal for choir. it was simply the last straw in my week. i was pissed off. i was tired, stressed with school. and worried about a dear friend of mine. i still am. i'm worried abou a big deciesion he has to make. and i wish i knew what he was gonna decide. because if he decides to take this opportunity, i will be greatly worried for him. more than i already am. but, i guess i'll just have to wait and see.

and so the morning rehearsal was the last straw. after it , i had choir and we were drawing names for secret santa. on the first draw i got someone i knew what to buy. unfortunately we had to draw again. on the 2nd draw, i got someone i had no idea what to get. and i got frustrated and my teacher didn't get frustrated back. i felt that i was gonna lose it so i went to the bathroom to pull myself together. i came back and thought i was okay. but, i walked in the room and my teacher came up to me and asked if everything was okay. i could tell by her face that she was sincere, and i lost it. i began to cry and she just held my hand. she asked what was wrong and said she could tell i was having a bad week. then a friend, jamie came up and gave me a hug and i cried even more. as much as i hate crying in front of ppl, it felt nice to just let it out. and tell someone else of my worries. it really helped. yet throughout the day, i felt the need to just breakdown several times. yet somehow i managed to keep it all together. but, hopefully the night will only get better. oh well.

average jane signing off. (hope your day was better than mine.)

a bad day, but last night was good!

so, yeah today really sucked. i totally was first off proud of myself for being all dressed up for t&t, but, then i get to school and i realize i need my choir getup. and so i have a friend drive me home to get it. and then we sang and it sounded dumb. we totally messed up and so now i have to go to a f***in' (please excuse my french) 6:30 am rehearsal. and what' s worse is i probably won't get home from work until 11 and to bed at midnight and then i have to get up by 5 am. ugh! totally sucky day.

but, yesterday night was good! i got to talk to a totally special guy. he came into my work. and he's cute and funny. i think he knows who he is. but, it really made my night. but, then i tried to tell my sister rachel about it all and she is just stupid and doesn't get it. she thinks i'm just setting him up to be hurt again. but, not this time. i realized my mistake. and she and my mom just don't get it. i really hate them right now. ugh. but, it's okay. i have a very special guy in my life. and so it's all good.

well, average jane signing off.

so it's sunday once again. i honestly don't really like sundays. beyond the fact that i have to go to church. sundays give me too much time to think. and today, first and foremost on my mind is army man. he's been there on my mind for about a week now. even more since saturday. and i'm beyond worried. i can't stop thinking about his possible deployment. it has me seriously worried. and i know that i've already said i'm worried. let's just say i've been told that it is way beyond how dangerous i had perceived it. and hearing this, it really put my feelings more into perspective. yet, i haven't had the chance to talk to army man face to face yet. for what i have to say, needs to be said when i can see him. and i have to say i can't wait to see him.

also, i got to talk to my best friend. we talked about our problems. he needed to talk to me about his girl issues. and then i told him of my worries about army man. and he said that he echoes my concerns. and i almost felt like crying. because i really am worried. the hardest part about it is that right now i can't do anything about it. and it's hard. but, i guess the best i can do is just wait.

average jane signing off.

thoughts that worry me

well, so i was hanging out with a good friend of mine at a baby shower for her cousin. and i have to admit, i bet it was hell to have to deal with her family. i really feel bad for all the shit that her family deals out. like her grandma was downright rude and inconsiderate. and of course my friend dished it out right back. i have to admit it was just a bit funny to see it. only a little bit.

but, as we were driving home, (we had an hour drive) we got to talking about a guy that means a lot to me. army guy. and he has the choice of whether he wants to be deployed overseas for 10 to 18 months. and i think there's a good possibility that this deployment could be a lot more dangerous than he has been letting on. and it scares me to be honest. i was just sitting next to my friend. and i began to cry. it really made me think about the fact that he could die. and i cried and she told me not to cry cuz then she was gonna cry. but, i told her. i already have a few friends that are semi-suicidal. i don't need another friend that could possibly die. and i couldn't bear it especially with army guy. honestly. it would kill me. and it really hit me so hard. and for the most of the ride home, thoughts of him kept going through my head. i hope he knows how much he means to me. and he'll probably read this and hopefully he'll understand how special he is. and i just had to write all this down.

oh and this moratorium thing, not working too well, when i still very much care for this guy. hmmmm.....

anyhoo, this is average jane signing off. (a worried, very average jane. )

quote of the week

hey so i've decided to do a quote of the week for my blog. and well, i was reading this yesterday and it's totally become my new theme for life. because it's the truest thing i've ever heard.


"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."