sad nights

do you ever have those days when it seems like everything just is not right? when you feel like sometimes just living and simply existing is a waste? last night and actually right now, for no real apparant reason, i really feel that life is such a waste. last night i felt that i wish i could just sleep and not wake up. just live in my dream world. because more often than not, my dream world was better than reality. and also any book i read is always better than real life, because in the end boy and girl always fall in love. like i can't seem to figure out my own feelings. and i sure as hell haven't found that right guy yet. somedays i wish i could. but, i'm caught up in my romance novels, looking for that fairytale romance. and somehow i know that i won't find it. at least my head keeps telling me that. but, my heart is still looking.

last night, i had a slight headache, so i just decided to take some ibuprofen. i usually only take 4 at the most. but, last night i took 6 hoping that something might take away all my hurt and depression. i really was so down and there really was nothin i could do about it. i poured my heart out into my journal. yet i still was too far gone. this morning i woke up better. but, tonight already i'm down again. i swear i truly am bi-polar or something like that. and i still don't know what to do about it. sometimes it would be easier to just sleep and not wake up. hm...

average jane signing off. (don't worry, i'm okay for now...)

more christmas news

oh i forgot to mention something when i posted a few seconds ago. well, so on thursday the 21st, i got some pretty depressing news. and i guess i took it a bit the wrong way, and i literally broke down again. and then when i saw steph the next day in school and i broke down again in front of her. and she just hugged me and let me cry. it really was nice. and thought since then, i've clarified the news that i received, so it's not so hard or bad.

and last, i spent saturday night with my best friend steph. she came to my family christmas party. i'm glad that she was there. it really made the night lots of fun. and i think she had a good time.

oh and i got gift from steph's friend. a picture he had drawn and he inscribed on the back that he hoped we could become good friends. it was cool cuz he's a funny kid and he makes me laugh.

and i have to admit one last thing. last night i came to the biggest realization about myself and everything else. i found the reason why i'm not ready for a serious relationship. i'm only 18 and i feel as if i still have my whole life and that i'm not mature enough or have experienced enough to make a decision. cuz i know that if i let myself into that serious relationship, it would be more serious than i'm ready for. i know that the guy i care for cares way more about me than i'm ready for now. i care tonz about him and i would literally die if something happened to him. but, i can't commit myself to anything. i honestly feel that i need to date around more, to see if this is truly what i want. i need to experience more of life. i've been locked too much in my life and the way things are, to settle just for something that is an easy way out of my life i have now. i need to find myself first. i need to figure out what is out there in the world for me.

average jane signing off.

merry christmas

well, so it's christmas. and a sorta happy one at that. but, so i got most of the things i asked for this christmas, as i needed them. i got some new pajamas. really cute ones. one set was a blue shirt with blue polka-spotted pants. and then the second set is a purple shirt with pink flowered pants. and then i got two cds. and some earrings. and books. and a calendar and a couple of other things. oh and a tool set! hee hee! anyways.

but, so a lot has gone on these past couple of weeks. a lot of stuff both good and bad. and what has gotten me through a lot, has been the help and support of my best friend, steph. she has made me laugh when i'm down. and made me laugh even if i'm already happy. she's great and so is nathan. he's really cool. but, anyhoo.

i hope everyone else is having a merry christmas.

average jane signing off.

random ramblings! lol

so yeah. i've really decided that i'm not ready for something serious, as in a relationship with a guy. for i have so many conflicting thoughts that i can't just act on any of them and not hurt anyone with my actions. and it really sucks.

but my great friend stephanie, aka liberty belle, really made my day. we have this academy classes together and we laugh tonz. i can most seriously say that my bestest friend is steph. and so that really is a happy thought. i was just at her house and i got to talk to a friend on msn messenger. and it was cool, cuz i haven't had msn messenger for a while. sadly. but, at the same time i felt that with every word i spoke i think i might have giving this person false hope that i am ready for a real relationship. and i hope this person knows i just want to be friends. and anyhoo.

well i gotta go perform in a bit here. unfortunately. cuz i wish i could stay on the net all night! i really live on the net. but, i gotta go. thanx to all my friends for all they do.

average jane signing off! (i love you steph! :D )

conflicting emotions

so, you ever had that time in your life when you feel so confused? well, that's how my life is on a regular basis. at least for the past few months. i may seem that i have it all together but, those who really know me, like liberty belle, know that it's been a hard few months. i'll have days when i think i know exactly what i want in my life, exactly what path i'm going on. but, then just as quick, i'll have doubts and then i begin to wonder if the path i'm on is the right one for me. i'll begin to doubt some of the relationships i have with some ppl and wonder what i really want. i'll have days i'm so sure of everything it seems. i feel good and i know just how the world is gonna be for me. but, then the next day, i'll be lost again, and then i'll decide that i want just the opposite of what i wanted the day before. and it not only confuses me. it confuses my closest friends and i fear i'm sending mixed signals to those i truly care about. and that's hard . and i have to admit. there are times that i'm so missing a special someone in my life. and it's hard to just sit and not do anything, because i don't know if the next day i'll feel the opposite and then end up hurting this person. i couldn't hurt this person, cuz i really do care. and right now. i got an email from this person telling me that they wished they could just hold me. and right now, i couldn't wish for anything better than just to have him hold me. i miss him tonz. but, here i sit, not acting on it, because i'm afraid i'll do something to hurt him. and it really sucks. i wish my heart and my head could just come together on this for once and for all. *sigh*

but, last night i acted on impulse to call him from downtown of the city i live in. i had a performance with my women's choir. and i talked to him for like an hour. and i hav to admit. it was really nice. there were times when we just said nothin at all. but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. it just was a simple silence. i didn't need to say anything. i knew he was just on the other end. there for me. a good feeling. and all today i can't stop thinking about him. like this whole past two weeks i can't go a day without thinking about him. and i probably should n't think as much, because i've foudn that only makes trouble for me and my feelings. but,there are those days when thoughts of him make me smile. and who knows, maybe tomorrow i'll feel differently about what i jsut said. i swear sometimes i'm bi-polar or sumthin *eye roll*. but, for now this is how i feel. anyhoo.

average jane signing off. (why do we have such conflicting emotions anyway? *scowl*)

cookies and guys, what a combination

so last night i had a lot of fun with my friend liberty belle. she and i made cookies. it was the most random thing because normally me cooking is not even an option. she just said like two days ago, that she felt like making cookies. so yesterday we did. we were gonna do it at her house, but her pipes were rotted and decaying and had to be fixed. total pain in the butt for her. so we ended up doing it at my house. which actually turned out to be tonz of fun. we made chocolate chip cookies and snickerdoodles. but the snickerdoodles were special cuz they were christmas cookies. they had red and green sugar crystals. i thought they were pretty cool because my mom and i always make them around christmas time. and we had to make snickerdoodles because liberty belle's friend that we were gonna take cookies to, well, this friend's favorite cookie is snickerdoodle. but, we made chocolate chip also cuz who doesn't love chocolate chip cookies! :D

but, so it took us around and hour or so to make the cookies plus travel time from her house to mine. but, then we delivered the cookies. so we took them to liberty belle's friend , army man and slypig. three of the most special guys! hee hee! but, anyhoo, so we stopped by slypig's house first as it's closest to my house. even as we left to deliver i knew we were cutting it close cuz i had a performance to be at in about 4o min. but, i think we totally surprised slypig when we showed up with cookies. and i'm glad. it's more fun that way! : D but, we stayed and talked for a minute, then it was on to liberty belle's friends house. we were invited in and i have to admit. this friend was not exactly what i expected, even thought i had seen pics of him. but, he was funny and really nice and i told liberty belle i totally approve. but, anyhoo. i met this friend's mom. and she was funny and cool. but, we stayed a bit too long at that house, cuz we had to rush to army man's house. and i have to say i was a bit nervous to go. because i don't know how everything stands with him right now. but, then he answered the door and i kind of told him we brought him cookies. and i have to admit my first thought was oh my gosh. he looks so hot. and he really did. he looked cute cuz he had on this white t-shirt and pants and he just looked relaxed like it was just another day at home lounging around. and i don't why i'm being so bold in just typing all of this. but, he did look really cute. and i kind of said that i had to rush off to perform and he asked where and i told him at a friend's church. but, then i kind of hesitated then said goodbye. cuz i wanted to hug him but, i didnt' know. and gosh this is all so awkward again. but, it's totally just me. cuz i dont' want to mess it up again. anyhoo.

but, then i went and performed and then i came home and i talked to liberty belle on the phone for an hour. unfortunately i was talking to her on the phone and i was kind of falling asleep. so i told her goodbye and then i went to bed. but, i couldn't sleep very well. my head hurt and i couldn't breath very well. so i woke up like tonz during the night. this morning i asked my mom if i could jsut sleep and skip my first two periods of school. and she said okay. so here i am typing all of this down. but, i should be leaving in a little while. i've got to catch my last two periods. they are classes i can't miss. too much to work on. but, anyhoo. that's life. and so i miss someone. and i wish i could be with them more. anyhoo. i gotta go.

average jane signing off. (maybe my headache will go away soon.)

an emotional breakdown

well, so i had to work last night and so it was alright at first. but, then i had one customer come up and i got into a real conversation. i mentioned that she had a lot of stuff. and she said that just as she thought that she was done with her christmas shopping, she found more she had to buy. and i mentioned that i had bought something for a friend of mine. and then i found something else i wanted to get for him. i told her it was something related to the army and such since he was in the army. and she said oh well that might be good if he's overseas. i told her that he wasn't overseas but that he has a choice to be deployed overseas and that he is only 17. and she said that he needs to stay around a while longer. i told her he's already been in combat before. and she turned and looked at me with a mixture of sympathy and compassion on her face and said one simple sentence. she said, tell him thank you. and then she took her purchases and left. at that simple sentence, tears began to fill my eyes and my throat clogged up with emotion. my next customer came up and as i told him his total, i could hear in my voice that i was still very emotional. and the guy said two words. i'm sorry. it was simple but heartfelt and just that threatened to make me break down completely. somehow i managed to pull myself together and make it through the rest of the night.

then today, i had a 6:30 am rehearsal for choir. it was simply the last straw in my week. i was pissed off. i was tired, stressed with school. and worried about a dear friend of mine. i still am. i'm worried abou a big deciesion he has to make. and i wish i knew what he was gonna decide. because if he decides to take this opportunity, i will be greatly worried for him. more than i already am. but, i guess i'll just have to wait and see.

and so the morning rehearsal was the last straw. after it , i had choir and we were drawing names for secret santa. on the first draw i got someone i knew what to buy. unfortunately we had to draw again. on the 2nd draw, i got someone i had no idea what to get. and i got frustrated and my teacher didn't get frustrated back. i felt that i was gonna lose it so i went to the bathroom to pull myself together. i came back and thought i was okay. but, i walked in the room and my teacher came up to me and asked if everything was okay. i could tell by her face that she was sincere, and i lost it. i began to cry and she just held my hand. she asked what was wrong and said she could tell i was having a bad week. then a friend, jamie came up and gave me a hug and i cried even more. as much as i hate crying in front of ppl, it felt nice to just let it out. and tell someone else of my worries. it really helped. yet throughout the day, i felt the need to just breakdown several times. yet somehow i managed to keep it all together. but, hopefully the night will only get better. oh well.

average jane signing off. (hope your day was better than mine.)