just got in about a half hour ago from being with jay...lol i'm devilish...lol nevermind. but, i was high on cloud nine, then i heard a snippet of a song i absolutely love. however, it also has connection to my life before...before jay, before i realized where my life was headed. and i guess a part of me still thinks that maybe part of where i was headed wasn't too bad. i guess a part of me is still drawn to the dark and dismal. still wanting to just lose myself in it. the song that i heard part of is called "bring me to life" by evanescence. for those of you not familiar with it. let me paste in the lyrics here... of course it's better with music.
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to lifeI've been living a lieThere's nothing inside
Bring me to life
you know...just posting the lyrics i've also gained some more insight into the song. it's dark and dismal...yet, it's talking about love. like this girl feels like she is dying without her love near. she feels as nothing without him...kind of depressing love...but still...anyhoo...
so this song really was my song for a while, or at least i felt it is. at points in my life, i felt as if i was pretty much nothing...that i really was just a disappointment to my parents. that i wasn't the daughter they had wanted. for some reason that hurt, and my way of dealing with it was to just be a bigger disappointment. to just go do something else stupid. whether they knew i did it or not. staying out at a guy's place til 3 am once...stupid, but then i also felt my parents didn't notice or care, so i kept doing it. led to things i didn't want. things that i'm now strong enough to do something about, instead of being a coward and saying nothing.
i am a different person than i was a year ago. some better, some stronger....some parts a bit worse. some worse for the wear. however, this is me. i better get used to it. i have some amzing things that have come to me. some amzing ppl. ones i hope to never to have to find how i'll live without them
i also find it amzing to think about the dark side...how alluring it is. what is it about the dark things that lure us in? get us caught in a tangled web. one so crazy sometimes we wonder if we will ever get out. one so appealing that we wonder if we really want to leave, ever want to escape. i know that many times in my life i've gotten hooked into it. not really wantin to leave. still do some days. then something comes outta nowhere and pulls me out. usually it's jay. i somehow get into a funk, then i'll see him. he'll pull a goofy grin and i just can't help but pull outta that dark place i was in. and half the time, or more, i don't think he knows i was in that dark place of mine. he thinks i just look serious all the time...oh well, he knows now. it's crazy though. just how easy it is to fall, how easy it is to just not want to get up, to just stay there forever....
a song just popped to mind. when i told a friend just today, how serious things were between me and my boyfriend, he asked me, "can you see yourself with anyone else?" and i told him right off...."no. i can't". and he asked me..." are you sure? cuz that is very important" and i thought i was sure of myself, yet for some reason, just his "are you sure" sent my mind a flurry. like i had stated my answer at first with no hesitation....but then the logical part of my mind kicked in. i've only known this guy really and truly a month and a half...is that well enough to decide if i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him? and hence the song that popped in my head. it's from cinderella. pretty much this is how it goes, " do i want want you because you're beautiful? or are you beautiful because i want you? ....do i want you because you're wonderful? or are you wonderful because i want you? are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream? or are you really as wonderful as you seem" yeah...kind of pretty well describes my thoughts... do i want to be with him, cuz i just want to be with someone...or do i want him because i love him, because i care for him most in this whole world. and you know....i love him...i know that with all of my heart. i just worry and such over the most silly things. i think over things too much...one of my faults...i let my head take over when i need to listen to my heart.
but i bet you all can just guess now from seeing my style of writing, what time of day i write each post. you'll find my more thought provoking, deep, dark, dismal posts i post later at night. it's when my mind truly comes alive. the funny, cute, just crazy posts, more often than not come during the day. lol
well i really should sleep....laters...happy fourth of july
averagejanesigningoff....
2 comments:
I listened to the song. The group isn't exactly my style, but I like the hard tone to the song, and the chorus was a pleasant surprise!
As to sad love songs, I love Hayley Westenra's. She's got a lot. One of my favorites is Who Painted the Moon Black?. Enough to make you cry!
The dark side...yeah, it can trap you before you know what bit you. It's quite a snare...evil.... I try my best...it's tough, eh? Well, it helps when I find something solid and work myself up against it. :-D
Head...thinks to much sometimes, huh? WAY too much! Don't I know it....
Spencer
well i will have to check out that song...:D i love songs like that some days. :D
glad to know you get what i mean though...it was a seriously crzy night... :D
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