lure of the dark side

so...i can honestly say i'm the happiest i have ever been. my life is almost perfect. i say almost cuz there are still hard days at work (lol) and still waiting for "someday" to come. (sorry no more explanation on that...) but i'm patient..sometimes. right now is one of those times.

just got in about a half hour ago from being with jay...lol i'm devilish...lol nevermind. but, i was high on cloud nine, then i heard a snippet of a song i absolutely love. however, it also has connection to my life before...before jay, before i realized where my life was headed. and i guess a part of me still thinks that maybe part of where i was headed wasn't too bad. i guess a part of me is still drawn to the dark and dismal. still wanting to just lose myself in it. the song that i heard part of is called "bring me to life" by evanescence. for those of you not familiar with it. let me paste in the lyrics here... of course it's better with music.

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to lifeI've been living a lieThere's nothing inside
Bring me to life

you know...just posting the lyrics i've also gained some more insight into the song. it's dark and dismal...yet, it's talking about love. like this girl feels like she is dying without her love near. she feels as nothing without him...kind of depressing love...but still...anyhoo...

so this song really was my song for a while, or at least i felt it is. at points in my life, i felt as if i was pretty much nothing...that i really was just a disappointment to my parents. that i wasn't the daughter they had wanted. for some reason that hurt, and my way of dealing with it was to just be a bigger disappointment. to just go do something else stupid. whether they knew i did it or not. staying out at a guy's place til 3 am once...stupid, but then i also felt my parents didn't notice or care, so i kept doing it. led to things i didn't want. things that i'm now strong enough to do something about, instead of being a coward and saying nothing.

i am a different person than i was a year ago. some better, some stronger....some parts a bit worse. some worse for the wear. however, this is me. i better get used to it. i have some amzing things that have come to me. some amzing ppl. ones i hope to never to have to find how i'll live without them

i also find it amzing to think about the dark side...how alluring it is. what is it about the dark things that lure us in? get us caught in a tangled web. one so crazy sometimes we wonder if we will ever get out. one so appealing that we wonder if we really want to leave, ever want to escape. i know that many times in my life i've gotten hooked into it. not really wantin to leave. still do some days. then something comes outta nowhere and pulls me out. usually it's jay. i somehow get into a funk, then i'll see him. he'll pull a goofy grin and i just can't help but pull outta that dark place i was in. and half the time, or more, i don't think he knows i was in that dark place of mine. he thinks i just look serious all the time...oh well, he knows now. it's crazy though. just how easy it is to fall, how easy it is to just not want to get up, to just stay there forever....

a song just popped to mind. when i told a friend just today, how serious things were between me and my boyfriend, he asked me, "can you see yourself with anyone else?" and i told him right off...."no. i can't". and he asked me..." are you sure? cuz that is very important" and i thought i was sure of myself, yet for some reason, just his "are you sure" sent my mind a flurry. like i had stated my answer at first with no hesitation....but then the logical part of my mind kicked in. i've only known this guy really and truly a month and a half...is that well enough to decide if i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him? and hence the song that popped in my head. it's from cinderella. pretty much this is how it goes, " do i want want you because you're beautiful? or are you beautiful because i want you? ....do i want you because you're wonderful? or are you wonderful because i want you? are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream? or are you really as wonderful as you seem" yeah...kind of pretty well describes my thoughts... do i want to be with him, cuz i just want to be with someone...or do i want him because i love him, because i care for him most in this whole world. and you know....i love him...i know that with all of my heart. i just worry and such over the most silly things. i think over things too much...one of my faults...i let my head take over when i need to listen to my heart.

but i bet you all can just guess now from seeing my style of writing, what time of day i write each post. you'll find my more thought provoking, deep, dark, dismal posts i post later at night. it's when my mind truly comes alive. the funny, cute, just crazy posts, more often than not come during the day. lol

well i really should sleep....laters...happy fourth of july
averagejanesigningoff....

a fuckin mess....

god...i feel like shit right now. lol amzed that i'm laughin a bit on the inside while wanting to curl up in a ball and just sleep for the next day. i've never felt this tired...that could from combined lack of sleep and one too many drinks...god, this is crazy...i felt good last night, just comfortable with him. laughing...cheering on the team...then back at his place just laughing while we watched tv...feeling comfortable enough to just fall asleep inside his arms...wishing i could have stayed there and just called in sick to work...

now i wish there was some way to not feel like shit. maybe if i get some sleep...tried coffee, didn't help this time...maybe a drink would revive me...dunno...just falling asleep...


averagejane signing off...(what a crazy day...but i'm okay...just feelin like shit temporarily...feelin like a fuckin mess...)

easter stuff and prayers

so i hope you all had a fantastic easter! mine was pretty good up until 10 pm last night... so i had an easter party at my aunts house on saturday afternoon and one of our traditions is to have leg races. there are three types we do. the typical just all out sprint. then the three legged race and the gunny sack races. well, i won the sprint race for my age group! lol i was in the 18 or older women group, who hadn't had kids yet. lol the married ladies insisted on a separate group for them that had had kids lol!! but i won! i was slow gettin off, but once i got going i was goin! LOL but now i'm paying for it today lol my legs are sore! but i couldn't be more proud! lol but the three legged race i do every year with my cousin tamra. it's tradition, cuz we are really close, great friends lol. but also, no matter that she is like 6 yrs younger than me, we've always been the same heighth. lol her family jsut has really tall kids lol. but yeah....then saturday night i went and saw the movie juno. it was really good to be honest. it was a bit different than i thought it was gonna be like, but it was really good. two lines that really stood out to me, was an exchange between the main character, Juno, and her dad. she just told her dad and stepmom that she is pregnant. and they kind of are absorbing it. then her dad says, "i thought you were the kind of girl that knew when to say when." then Juno says, " i don't know what kind of girl i am." like those lines just totally connected with me...

anyhoo, but i went to the movie with my friend tyler. we had a riot! lol he is just a goof! lol but yeah...

but then on sunday of course the easter bunny came lol. it was good...but then i just kind of caught up on homework and cleaned my room and did my laundry. oh and of course went to church... but then i was ready to turn in at about 10:00 pm...but then i get this text from my friend tyler. pretty much it said please put Julian in your prayers. and pray he will be okay. this made me worried and of course i texted tyler back to find out what was wrong. turns out our friend julian has a virus in his heart and is in intensive care at the new hospital! so of course, even though i'm not that religious, i said a prayer for him. this morning i asked my family at family prayer that whoever's turn it was to pray, if they would include julian in their prayers.

so now i ask all of you that will read this, please put and keep my friend julian in your prayers. pray that he will pull through this and the doctors can find out how to help him. pray that they can find a way to get through all of this.

thanx

averagejane signing off...

i know better....

so why can't i say no? i thought i learned that from my last relationship...that i needed to be stronger and say no...well, this is a not so drastic situation where i really need to say no, but am finding myself not saying it. i like kissing him, that is the biggest problem. i know that i'll only break his heart again, yet here i go. i really need to stop this before it goes any farther...like just that he gets his hopes up and i just crush him. i need to just stop myself from being selfish and going for it cuz i like it rather than i really like him... i like talking to him as a friend...i'll talk to him tonight after we go to the movie...or before...i dunno...but i've got to talk to him tonight.... tell him that i can't break his heart again...cuz i know i will. i like flirting with him and the feel of his arms around me but it's not his arms that i like, it's just the feeling of someone's arms. or maybe it's his arms...ugh. to be honest i think it's just the feeling of someone's arms securely around me...

did i mention he quit drinking....he hasn't touched a drop in a month...that is totally amzing of him to be honest....i'm so proud of him. but yeah....

anyhoo...i'll talk to him tonight...

oh and i hate that i don't talk to r. anymore... i really should talk to him. i will on monday...

averagejane signing off...

changed plans

so plans have been changed and i'm not able to make it up to the sundance film festival...and i was really actually looking forward to that. but it's kind of my own stupid fault i'm not gonna be able to go. oh well, i'm determined not to let it get me down! i'm not gonna sink down to that cuz i'm determined to just stay happy and be okay. anyhoo....

but, i miss him. a lot. i see him and he smiles at me. i smile at him...god i miss him. wish i could talk to him...like normal. wish i could just fold his arms around me and be safe in his embrace... but i can't. not yet at least....


average jane signing off.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

so the thing i thought wouldn't happen, at least for a year or so, happened. somehow my mom knows what happened between me and him...she confronted me about it this morning...and i have to admit it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. but it still was like i thought it would be in some part. she's disappointed in me. but that i can handle. i'm used to ppl being disappointed in me. i just learn to brush it off and move on with life, living the best that i can. she wanted to know if i wanted to rectify it all with god and church.(as much as i say i believe in god now, i still wonder...to be honest) those reading this who are lds and know that situation, know what all that entails. i told her no, i didn't want to. because a part of me is still trying to pull myself together, not crying at night wondering if he's okay. wondering if i'm okay. a part of me still wants to be with him. but it takes most of what i have to remind myself why i broke it off. why i can't do this. and it takes most my resolve to just wake up each morning determined to be okay. to make sure i don't let things get me down. to prove to myself that i'm okay. to prove to myself i'm worth jsut starting again and finding my way through life. cuz i have things i need to do...i know i say this a lot. but i have to stay away from relationships to focus on my goals. i mean i still flirt and will date. but, i won't let my heart get involved in them. i won't let anyone get that close. i've got plans and i'm not deterring from them anymore. this is why i'm really making an effort in my classes this semester and keeping on top of things. i have things that won't go anywhere if i don't get through college. but mostly i have to prove that i can get through college. that i am mature enough to be in the "real world". somedays i seriously wonder though...but i'm making it work. i'm slowly growing up. but yeah...

now don't take the above as i'm not okay. i really am working towards it. i don't mean to bitch and try to say my life is hard. well, it is some days. but that's mostly from my decisions. but i wouldn't take back anything. it's making me a stronger person. he asked me if i regretted him. i told him. i may regret what i let myself do with him...but i'll never regret him. never. he is a part of my life...a part that helped me learn more about myself and put me on the path to making me stronger. i will never regret him. i'm stronger now.

average jane signing off...

life is great

wow! so yeah life is going great to be honest! i miss him every day...which in itself is funny cuz i see him 5 days a week still. but i'm learning to cope and be okay and get where i'm going in this life. i have this new fav. quote. it comes from the movie, "p.s. i love you." it's something along the lines of "getting through this life we have...realizing that none of us get out alive." it just made me realize, when i heard it, even more than i already realized it, we don't get out of this life alive. we all are eventually gonna die. i mean, wow, it really just hit me when the character, holly, said it at the end of the movie. lilke it was just so blunt and yet so beautifully said. i'll have to see the movie again and write down the line exactly so you all can get what i mean! but yeah...

add: oh so i totally found the quote i mentioned above, online!!! how lucky is that! lol but here it is...feel free to comment on it. cuz it made me really think!

"This is my one and only life, and it is a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive." (said by Holly, the character played by Hilary Swank.)

so tonight i'm gonna go see a movie called 27 dresses with my sister. i've been waiting for at least a month for it to come out and i can't wait to see it!! :D lol for those of you who don't know the story line, here's a short summary of it. there is this girl, who has been a bridesmaid 27 times, for jsut all of her friends and such. she is in love with a guy she works with ( the guy may be her boss, but i'm not sure! ). one night she is at a club, with her friend and the guy she is in love with is there too...not sure why or if it's just coincedence. but her friend tells her she has to go and tell him how she feels. but who should come up just as she does to this guy? her sister. and the girl introduces them both, they fall in love and then over like the next few weeks get engaged. so the girl's name is jane, btw...but jane plans her sisters wedding. but a little twist to this story even more, is that at the last wedding/reception jane was at, she met this oober cute guy played by james marsden. anyhoo, so in this all , the two of them become friends and he helps her realize that maybe it's time for her to find her happy ending!! this results in a good quote in the movie that goes as follows, (said by actor James Marsden) "you'd rather focus on other people's kodak moments, rather than make memories of your own." so it's really motivating to me to get out and live my life and make my own "kodak moments." lol but life is really just good. like a few times today i had thoughts that threatened to really dampen my mood. like thoughts of him, and wondering if he's okay. but i told myself it didn't help any to get all down on myself or anything. i can just reasonably worry that he's okay, without it really pulling me down. and i've done well today at keepin my mood up!! it does help that i have a flirt buddy...lol his name is ron. and he's cute! anyhoo...but also, i've been doing a little stretching of my legs on my breaks. it's really cool!! and easy to do.

lol so that's my life. been busy with school and work and just life in general but all is just fantastic!! ;) average jane signing off!

ps. i think it helps that i have my hair in pigtails. cuz they are such a fun hairdo to have and they make you feel like a little kid sometimes! :D

missing him

wow... so first let me say this is my two hundreth post!! lol

but, why does it have to be so damn hard? you know deep inside that it really is the best, at least for now. but why does he have to look so perfect? be so perfect? i mean, what guy do you know that just randomly cooks when he is bored? then comes and shares it with the ppl at work? god, he just looks so perfect. you can't help that you love him, but it's just not meant to be right now... and you have to stop yourself from calling him or texting...can't stir up his feelings or yours...sometimes you cry yourself to sleep...then a new day comes, think you've got it under control, then you come to work say hi, he smiles and you melt and want to just take it all back. just be with him...god you miss him!

well, life moves on and in a few years you don't know what could happen...maybe then you will get a second chance and it will be right this time...

average jane signing off

a new day, it will be okay

you know when you don't do something for fear of the reaction you'll get? well, sometimes you just have to take a chance be honest...tell that special someone how you felt...and honestly you find yourself surprised...tell them that you wanted to cry, in a moment that should have been happy...and you find that they are more understanding that you thought...more perfect...and you realize that things will be okay...that communication is the answer...you know you want to be able to tell them anything, but how difficult is that when you grew up in a home where pretty much nothing was discussed...nothing real...you just avoid telling how you really feel...can't tell them about the one person in the world you really are happy with, because you'll just get the look again...the lecture about how they aren't good enough...can't tell them about your relationship... can't tell them you'll never be like them...in fact that you don't ever want to be like them...dont' want their life... but it's okay...you'll change your life...be open with your feelings...tell ppl what you need to say, for your sanity... but it's a new day, life will be okay

average jane signing off...

sidenote: to those worried...i really am okay..

just a cycle

days come and go...weeks pass slowly, and you find yourself starting a new routine...spend work wishing to be with that special someone...desperately needing a look to tell you they feel the same way...wanting just one moment alone with them...while at the same moment you look at them and remember the past few days and just become confused...torn between emotions...whether you give into your feelings or pull back from the hurt...do you just let it all go on, just all in the game of love...do you listen to your head telling you let go, back off, or do you listen to your heart telling you love is worth it all...what really matters anymore...

spend the days going from work to school...call him up, talk about school...be with him for hours...miss one day without him...your life is off...go to bed, think about him, dream about him...come to work...all just a misunderstanding...thought you didn't care to call...simple mistake, all is okay. or so it seems...for who really knows...find yourself wanting to just spend all your time with that special someone...your parents make comments as to their opinion...get the hint and move on to just being in the background...looking at you with that look in their eyes... the one thats shows disappointment, concern pity...look away, can't bear to see it...don't want to see the hurt, making it seem personal...put up the mask, don't look...just pass the days making polite...

good days...bad days...what do ppl around you really see...do they see the bad, or just simply wish it away cuz they can't handle it...do they even see the pain until it's glaring in their face...they show concern...act they care...why now...think they can help...you don't see them much during normal days...days with no drama, no hurt, just life...but why do they make things worse than they really are...why offer help when you say don't bother...what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...helps you learn to lean on that one person that really cares...that one you want to spend your life with...but then you come back to that circle of doubt and joy once again...

seems you're stuck in a neverending cycle...even though looking back it's only been a month or few...you can't seem to find where it really began...cant seem to find an end...or can you not see the ned because you fear it...don't know who you are anymore or who you've become...finding yourself and your worth in that one person...wanting to break free from the hurt...but fear losing the true happiness you have felt with them...lost, stuck in a web, can't figure it all out...

the day comes to a close once again...you lay and wonder why...just why...why does he love you? why you? why did it all have to be this way...

averagejane gone for now...

stuck, unable to move

how can something that is supposed to feel so good, so right...just feel so wrong? it boggles my mind. something that is an expression of feelings, that just makes you want to cry...in sadness and heartbreaking emotions... not tears of joy. just crying into your pillow...not letting anyone else see...don't want to appear fragile...yet you still come back to the source of your sadness...time and time again...because while the source brings sadness, it also brings joy, and feelings of love...the question is, is that enough? to be so happy with the source of most of your sadness, that you overlook the sadness, and just focus on how happy you are half the time...sometimes you just don't know...

another question...what is it that makes a strong, high-willed person lose their resolve, their audacity to speak their mind? how is it that someone has no trouble saying no to most, then when it comes to one special person in their life, the one who should understand them the most, they can't say no, especially to something that causes them pain and heartache? ...why can't they be strong...why? sometimes i guess you can just see that nobody can be superman all the time...

you sit there, just being with your best friend, your soul mate. just looking at them...and you see the love, the emotion in their eyes...and you can just feel their happiness...just being with you. and you feel the same way...and wonder how to express it...then something innocent turns into something more complicated...requires more than just a yes or no answer... and you just don't know how to answer...then it seems you answer against your will, and you're not sure of how you answered...then they ask something of you you're not sure you can give...and you find yourself giving it...you're disgusted with yourself...yet find yourself just wanting to please them...how have you fallen to this low that you can't say no...and you look at yourself and just cringe...you sigh, try to scrub it all away, rinse it all away...thinking maybe that will change it...and find nothing changed...you just curl up and cry. you wonder again how it all got this way, how one moment, one night can cause a world of change...........then you look up again out of your emotional reverie at your best friend, the one person you want to be with forever and always...and you just smile at the look on their face...the look that says they can't imagine anyplace they would rather be...and you melt and just want to stay forever in their embrace. and the circle is begun again...you wonder where you're going and if you'll have the strength to break the circle...or if you even want to...

everyday for a week, you'll hear flak from your parents about keeping to your dreams...dont' forget who you are...and you wonder ironically, how can you forget dreams you don't even know about any more? how can you forget who you are, when you never were sure who you were in the first place...simple ironies that make you grimace and cringe...just reminders that you are so far gone...beyond worry now...the looks you get from parents, friends...just a constant reminder that you disappoint them, time and time again...never able to do anything right...they nag, they prod...using the excuse they only want the best from you...only want to you to be all you can be...they just don't get you'll never be like them...don't see how hard you try to not be like them...don't want their life...you couldn't be them no matter how hard they may like it to be that way...pushing them further away...knowing that you disappoint them anyway, why not go all the way...push them so far away they really don't care anymore, don't have to see the hurt on their faces...the disappointed grimace...you just push farther and farther away...receding into yourself...whatever there is of you anyways...

on the outside, it appears life is just fine and dandy...no one even guesses the constant struggle day to day...no one sees the hurt...no one sees the pain...no one hears the sobs coming painfully from your very soul...so one knows the thoughts of despair...and you just continue on in the game...continue the cycle of pain and happiness... thinking you should end it, but then not sure if it's worth it...if you're worth it... you hope that one person you care the world for, can see beyond your mask...then when they do, you desperately wish that you could open up to the one person who really cares...tell them your doubts, your fears, your pains and how they make you feel low some days...they already hear your joys, but you hide your pains...can't bring yourself to tell them how things they do cause you pain, how you fear relationships with a passion, but want so much to be with them...yet your fears, irrational ones, push you away...but you can't tell them..for it's these same fears, these fears of really opening up to one person, that keep you from being true to yourself...you fear you'll just scare them, push them away with your feelings and thoughts...and by pulling away and closing in on yourself, you end up doing the one thing you fear...you push them away, make them think you don't want to be with them...that you don't care enough to tell them how you really feel...and you start again, hoping this time things will be different. they start different, but really just end the same...wishing you could get off this one track...try a new one...but somehow you can't...

so pretty much...you find yourself stuck...unable to help yourself...too proud, maybe just scared, maybe just not wanting, to ask for help...think maybe you're in this for a reason...and you just go to sleep, wishing for just a moments reprieve from your thoughts...thoughts threatening to weigh you down, pull you farther into this abyss you call life...

average jane signing off...

you know...

you know when you say oh that won't happen to me? and you just know deep down that because you said that, it will happen to you? those are such mind trips...funny when those things really do happen. then how do you deal with them? i guess you just figure it out from then on and just start over...sometimes when these things happen, you have to wonder...just about the whole thing. like what made this time different? what made you fall into this situation? is it a good change? what now?... what now? just makes you so contemplative...it's just a funny thing when you find yourself doing something you didn't expect. and sometimes you just have to let it all play out to see where it leads you...and hope you don't end up more confused...

averagejane signing off...

is he really the one?

one time i was just talking with my sister about guys and just whatever about them...she said something that really stuck with me. she said one thing that stood out to her as when she knew this one guy might be the one...someone special she should get to know better...was that jsut being around him was comfortable. that it felt like she had come home.

just recently i was hanging with a bunch of friends and we were playing video games. i had not played one of them before and my guy friend helped me figure out what i was to do. and he put his hand around mine and showed me what to do. it was brief, but for that brief time, it was just as if it felt comfortable and made me feel something. i don't really know how to describe it. but it made me wonder, am i right to be with this other guy, when i just get this feeling with a good guy friend of mine? am i ready to just give me heart to this other guy, when i'm not sure as to exactly how i feel? and you know...i don't think i am. but yeah i just got to thinking. and maybe this is just a sign that i need to step back and look at my life, where i'm headed, what goals i have and what plans i have to fulfill... but yeah..

averagejane signing off...

crazy weekend

so i just have to say this has been a crazy weekend... and now into the middle of the week. events happened friday, that broke my heart. but i just don't know what to think really. i love this guy, but, i've been talking to him and i don't think he was lying like i thought he might have been. but, today or tomorrow, i should know for sure. yesterday i'll admit that i was all ready to try and leave it in the past and just move on, no matter how hard that would be. cuz this guy is the first and only one i've truly loved. but now i'm thinking i just jumped to conclusions... i do tend to do that. i kind of have a fear of confrontation, so i don't tend to go ask the person what the situation is. anyhoo... well, now i think it's halfway resolved. but there is hurt feelings on both sides, so it may take a while to really put it all back together...


and i know there are a few of you out there that really just want to slap me right now cuz you think i'm just settin myself up to be hurt again. but don't worry about me. i'm okay. and i'm gonna be careful, it was just a misunderstanding.

anyhoo, average jane signing off...

why? hm...

why is it that we just love to torture ourselves? honestly! i've been reading over old blog posts of mine and a friend. i just read them over several times. each time i read them, the old feelings i felt at that time of my life, resurfaced just about as depressing as ever. now i sit here in a funk. god i'm just stupid. anyhoo...but also, i really just wish i could spend more time with my special someone. he tells me that he is falling in love with me. and i admit that i love him, like i never thought i possible. i usually shy away when things get to the whole " i love you" stage. that's what happened with my first and really only official boyfriend. i just freaked when it came to the serious feelings and dating just him. i realized that i would look around me and just say hmm... i think it would be fun to go out with that cute guy. and so i freaked and broke it off....then my second really serious relationship...that went on for a month. that was really long for me. but then, there is this guy now. robert. yes...you have heard abt. him before. our relationship has been developing since about june/july. at first there was crap goin on and i really didn't know whether i could trust him. but then things developed about a month or two ago. i had feelings for him from the beginning. and no matter what he did, they seemed to just keep developing. one day i felt as if things were cool and i could trust him, the next i was let down. this seriously went on for a few months. but let me just tell you, i really can't hold grudges for too long, especially against guys. unless of course you really are disrespectful all the time and out right rude. but if you do something, it's mostly forgotten in at most a few days....anyhoo, but so then it started with a kiss...at first i just kind of blew him off after i let him kiss me a few days. but then, i just kind of let it all go, as i was rather just trying to protect myself from any possible hurt rather than i was mad at him. but then, it all just began to develop as i talked with him and we became great friends. i could talk to him about anything and have a serious deep conversation, yet at the same time, i could have a crazy discussion about music, or food or other such stuff. and i loved it. and i felt myself falling...hard. with each kiss i melted in his arms, each embrace i felt safe, secure, and just plain happy. which is saying a lot for my seriously bi-polar life. lol but i think about him almost all the day long, i just want to be near him, see him, and talk to him. for a few days i totally let myself become so distracted by my thoughts of him it was hard to work. but i found a good in between eventually. and now here i am totally in love with him. wow it's the greatest feeling.

the greatest thing about him though, is that he made a promised to me about two months back that he would tell me the truth in anything. and so far he has kept that promise. i really love that he has made such an effort to never lie to me. he kind of told me a few lies in the past. he says that he owes it to me to prove that he loves me and that he is being honest in everything. i love it.....

well work is almost over so i'll finish what i want to say later.

average jane signing off...

i love him

so yeah here i am again...life is...hmm... life is just....life. it's okay, not bad, but not fantastic. just here. just existing. but yeah...is it normal to think of just one guy...so much that when you pass other guys on the street, cute ones, that you don't really thing of anyone but that one guy. seriously. i think of him all the time, love to be around him.

........................................................................................................................................


well, so this is like half a day later. so that special someone came to work a bit late cuz he went to some performance thing of his daughter's. but he walked in, and my knees just about gave out...he looked so....amazing. he normally i think is very hot. but he just was all spiffed up in a nice shirt, jeans, nice shoes, a cool leather jacket, and his hair had been cut. wow! is the only way i could describe my reaction. then he came over to my desk to say hi. and of course he had to smell incredible! lol... just wow. then even when he got on his work shirt and such, he still looked amazing. maybe i'm just biased cuz i love him. lol :D but i dont' care. he's just so incredible. i can't believe that he loves me. i can't believe how lucky i am....lol

well, i gotta go actually get some work done...

average jane signing off...

speeding thoughts

well, so i know its weird but i'm bloggin again. but have you ever felt like you can just feel your life spinning out of control? that you need to do something to feel like you are in control? well, i always hear about how ppl are anorexic and don't eat because that may be the one thing in their life they can control. well, in my life, i just drive. i drive with no real direction. and the key to my driving is speed. i go fast and faster. last night i was driving home from my friend's house in sandy. and i was just driving down a basically empty freeway. and i almost got to 100 mph. i was around 95 mph. i like the speed cuz i prove to myself that on the turns or anything else that i can keep control. i love speed and the feel of the car dangerously speeding down the road. the risk of having the car going so fast. that at any turn it could spin out. but i have control...

that was how i was feeling last night and it contiues on somewhat to this morning. and the song today is "show me love", by t.A.T.u. again. (lyrics at http://artists.letssingit.com/tatu-lyrics-show-me-love-extended-version-w596wcd) but it just is my mood telling guys that make all these promises to me that they never fulfill. and right now i want the feeling that comes from having that special some one. cuz i'm just kind of in a rut in my life. or maybe not really a rut. but more that i have a facade that i put on for the whole world that never really is me. i find myself acting to please more often than not, as crazy as that my sound coming from me. i agree with ppl, cuz i want to fit in. i may put on this façade that i don't care. but i took this quiz about what my greatest fear is. and you think of the normal fears like spiders and the dark, and snakes. but this quiz hit it dead on. i may not like snakes or othre creepy crawlers. but my biggest fear is not being accepted. i rearely feel like i truly fit in anywhere. so if i let you in my life and if i truly consider you my best friend, then feel lucky. not that it's an honor or that i'm special or anything. just i have a hard time really letting ppl into who i am. for what i post here is merely the surface of what is me. and i guess sometimes i define myself by who i'm with. like they define how i act and who i talk to. it's complicated. but yeah... now i've babbled long enough.

average jane signing off

a confession

i've deleted this post...for my own reasons. those that have read it know what it said. but otherwise, it's gone forever...

average jane signing off.

hard things to do...

i just did one of the hardest things for myself just now. it took a great deal of courage to do it. but i can't explain now. i will in about a week or so. cuz in doing so it will let out things i don't want to tell of at the moment. but it was hard. and i don't even know why i'm writing this, but i am. cuz i really would have rather not do it. but i know it would make a friend incredibly happy. so i did it. and i hope it all works out.

in my situation at work, i just had the most random thought. i behaved similarly to how chris is acting now, as when i did with steph and dave. i was just gettin mad at chris and casey for buttin into my business, when that is just what i did in steph and dave's case. that was none of my business. i should have just stated how i felt and left it at that. they seem happy together. and i should have jsut left it at that. but no i had to be childish and just be oober jealous that steph was spending more time with dave than me. and i guess that's just how it goes. i admit i was jealous. i felt that steph was abandoning me and choosing dave over me. and she was choosing to be with dave. so we both played a part. but i definitely acted childish in my actions. so here i apologize once again steph and dave for all that i've done. i should've butted out. sorry...i don't expect us to be friends in the near future at all, but at least maybe we can just let this settle and talk civily to each other. i guess it took me having a similar situation to see that i was acting almost as childish as chris.

you know, this year has been a time of growing up. especially this summer...i'm learning to take responsibility like in my job, and i'm learning that i acted really childish in some things. time to be more grown up. time to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. way stupid. but i have to say that there hardly is a day that goes by that i don't wish i still had steph to talk to, to hang out with. i'll do or hear little things that remind me of some fun thing me and steph did. like how she was green and i was red. and last christmas, her gift said to red from green. or the one night that she was driving me home at like 2 in the morning. we were at a stoplight and it was red. she was saying, "red! red! red! red! " trying to get it to change so we could go and i was like "don't you mean green?" lol we bust up laughing cuz we were so tired and giddy. and other memories, like how she insists on spelling uber like "oober" . she won't spell it any other way! lol good times that are past. well, i guess it only hurts to dwell on the past. but everything happens for a reason. that i believe with all my heart. i wish that i hadn't had to ruin a friendship for my life to take this path.but i have found that this path is where im meant to be for now. and smart person learns from their mistakes. so i'm learning, very slowly i admit.

so i doubt steph or dave will read this, but if they do, i hope they know that i really am sorry. please forgive my childish acts...

well, yeah... thats' all for now..

averagejane signing off.... (sorry.

actin like a ditz and likin' guys@!!

well, let's just say things are gonna be interesting. well, at least i hope they will be. cuz i'm ready for something to happen.

so work was decent today. the morning actually began pretty good cuz i got the rest i needed and i was ready for work and anxious to see cody. so i got to work right at 8 am. like i'm supposed to. things all in all were a good morning. then sometime about just before my lunch break, i had something to deliver to Friz, back in the shipping office. i could have just thrown it through the window into the basket but i like to walk around every so often. and as an after bonus, i got to see cody. but so i went back into the office and put the paper on Friz's desk and as i walked in the office i noticed that cody and casey were in the office. i walked past them, put the paper down and went to walk out. on my way out cody said hi to me and asked how my day was. then i replied as i kept walking .and to explain somethin, the door to the shipping office is actually several strips of thick plastic. so when i went to walk out, i tried to part the strips. and turned out i missed one right in the middle. so as i walked out, half turning my face to reply, i knocked my glasses askew. it was silly. and i don't think cody saw. but i still felt like an idiot. turned out even if he did see, it didn't affect anything to do with me and cody.

later on about 3 pm, cody came up front and ate some peanuts while he talked to me. we just talked about random things in general. it was cool. and he asked how things were going with chris. and i told him that chris and i were talking. that i was trying to emphasize that we were just friends. and that i felt he was chilling and that things would be okay. cody seemed happy to hear that. he told me that he first told chris he wouldn't go out with me at all. but then he said he wouldn't go out with me until he (chris) was chill. but then cody told me that he'd give it another week or so, then he'd talk with chris if he wasnt' chill yet. cuz he said that chris was gonna be jealous of whoever i went out with... but i think we'll be okay. and cody said, then we can go on a date, then asked me, that is if you're still interested. and i joked a minute with him. and said, well, i'm not sure. then i said just kidding! i'm still interested. lol it felt really good to know he was still interested in me.

then the coolest news, and yet somewhat interesting news came from robert. i saw him and said hey what's up? and then somehow he mentioned something about the drama back in the warehouse. and i was like sounds like fun. and he told me, "you're the talk of the warehouse." and i said oh yeah, how? then he explained, "well, there's chris that talks about you, then art, and cody and george." and i asked, "how does george fit into this?" robert said," well, cody has to talk to george..." and i laughed. it was really funny... to be what the whole warehouse is talkin about...lol but then i got to thinkin. will the ppl just think of me as some person who just dates everyone? cuz first off i like robert, almost date him, then chris and i do actually date him. then now i like cody. i also thought of what my friend calls this girl that basically dated everyone in their school class. they say that she is like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn. i hope that no one thinks of me that way. but yeah. so that's my worries.

but i have to admit that i'd never thought a guy as amzingly cute and smart would like me. let's just say i'm the nerdy girl in school. that everyone will be friends with, but doesn't think of as more than a friend. bute here is this amzing guy. he's smart. and he doesn't like ppl to lie about themselves or to lie in general. he says he hates that more than anything. and he said that he's a bad boy ,and i'm a good girl, but that sometimes you just can't ignore the attraction. and he knows i'm a good girl of sorts, and yet he still likes me. and i can just be me. it's so cool. but things are good

but so things are going okay. and i can't wait to see cody tomorrow. but yeah..life's okay..
oh and i'm gettin my hair done special on saturday. i'll let you all know how it turns out.

average jane signing off! :D