under lock and key

so i have really decided to give up on guys for now. i just create problems when it comes to them and i just confuse myself and them. i'm done with that. i can't take it anymore. so i take a leave from dealing with guys. i am not gonna get rid of my guy friends, cuz sometimes it's them that really keeps me sane. like nathan, he's amzing. but that's just him. he's been there for me through thick and thin. thanx bunches. and of course spencer has been good to me too. especially this last little while. but i've let guy issues take over for far too long. i'm just giving up for now. that's how life is. i'm locking up my heart and just going with that. i'll be okay and i'll move on and eventually unlock my heart. and i know that this past few months i've been telling myself that i need to just love like i've never been hurt, but right now, i have been hurt, mostly my own fault. and so i need time to pull myself together again. but to express my feelings i wrote this poem. i posted it on slypiggery, but i wanted to put it here.

Under Lock and Key

lock it all away

throw away the key

secure

safe

content

yet, not

can i lock away my heart

push it all away

move on

forget you

hate it, but there is no other way,

protect myself from hurting again

save me from myself

an old song comes to mind

truly i am a "hazard to myself"

should have warned you

should have warned me

lost, confused

i'm leaving

i'm gone never coming back

too hard to be me

too hard to love

life goes on

i pass you on the street

i'm surviving, adapting

this is life

on my own

i'll be okay.

so that's my poem. and for a while it'll be rocky going. but i'll survive. and yeah spencer i'm okay.

average jane signing off. (my heart will mend)