a fuckin mess....

god...i feel like shit right now. lol amzed that i'm laughin a bit on the inside while wanting to curl up in a ball and just sleep for the next day. i've never felt this tired...that could from combined lack of sleep and one too many drinks...god, this is crazy...i felt good last night, just comfortable with him. laughing...cheering on the team...then back at his place just laughing while we watched tv...feeling comfortable enough to just fall asleep inside his arms...wishing i could have stayed there and just called in sick to work...

now i wish there was some way to not feel like shit. maybe if i get some sleep...tried coffee, didn't help this time...maybe a drink would revive me...dunno...just falling asleep...


averagejane signing off...(what a crazy day...but i'm okay...just feelin like shit temporarily...feelin like a fuckin mess...)

too much time on my hands...

sometimes having too much time on your hands can be a bad thing...lol you just think too much. like my thoughts just have gone all over this past week. i've just been thinking a lot about the past month or two and where things have gone...
but yeah...life has been weird especially the past few days. you hear about crazy exs but i never thought that would ever apply to me...and i guess i pretty much should have expected it from this last relationship, but i was under the impression that the ex was okay with the split that it had been a mutual split, for the better...well, guess not so mutual.

two days ago, he warned me that i might get calls from his ex...told me not to answer my phone if the call came from his number or another one starting with certain digits...he said that this is all just in case somthing might happen. he told me it was not necessarily gonna happen...yet not more than 10 min after he left i start getting calls, first from his number than a few others i didn't recognize, so i didn't answer...i think i got a total of only 3 or 4 calls within 2 hrs time...that may not seem like a lot...but it was a bit scary to me. then i get a voicemail twice in that time from him tellin me to try and erase my name off my voicemail so that his ex doesn't get my name...but then i got a voicemail at about 7 pm that i didn't listen to until like 20 min. later...it said pretty much that there are places online you can pay and get someone's address and phone number if you know their full name and such...and his ex paid the amount and he said that she told him that she was on her way to my house. so i hurried home and then found she hadn't come...and didn't come thank god...

but yeah...loads of fun...

anyhoo, so i get to act in a friends film for his class...i'm excited...lol i get to be the main girl character...i'm deaf! :D lol i think he picked me for that part cuz i'm one of his only friends who knows some sign, partly cuz of my sister and the fact that i'm taking sign language this semester...lol

but that's all for now! later ppl....

averagejane signing off...

a rollercoaster that sucks

so today has been a real emotional rollercoaster for me. first i was up cuz i finished what i could for English and turned it in. i'm on the path to bring my grades up....and it's really relieving. but so the day went okay for the rest of school...i even signed up to donate blood... yeah...but then i mentioned that i was working on meditation to a friend. and i get a random response of how it's evil and that buddhism is evil and anything else to do with it is...and it kind of ticked me off. cuz i mean come on, what's so evil about meditation? it is a exercise to connect with yourself and to relieve stress that can be building up. typical in this world. i have yet to master meditation, but i'm determined to do it, after all i try to finish what i start.

but then more religious shit.....so i'm just sick of religion in general. i feel all too often that it is shoved in my face and i'm forced to do things that are a waste of my time and totally against my freedom. hell, i'm 18! shouldn't i be allowed to do what i think is right? tonight our planned activity for our young womens fell through so we were gonna go join the younger girls. ugh... plus it didn't help that they were all like i don't know if that'll be too many ppl? like 10 ppl was too much. *eye roll* but i had basically decided i was gonna go home and whatever...so i put my headphones in my ears and just walked down my street singing to my song "leave me alone," by the veronicas. and then she stopped me and asked if i was gonna go to the other girls house for games. i told her i don't know cuz i hate young womens and i don't even want to be here. then i went into my house. yeah told my dad the situation and convinced him to let me not go. ugh i really hate religion, especially just my ward leaders. they are so pushy and annoying. i wish they would just disappear. i can't wait until i branch out on my own. but i still have to graduate high school.... it can't come soon enough right now. i feel like sometimes i have to work to get a few of my friends' attentions. cuz it's like i'm invisible sometimes. that their life doesn't include me much anymore. drifting apart. but i guess with graduation coming up that's to be expected..and it's better to get used to it now....yeah.

well, i've got some meditation to go do. i have some major stress, emotions and issues to resolve.

average jane signing off. (yeah, life sucks, but hey story of my life and i move on....some ppl need to get out of my face, just leave me alone, like it says in my song "leave me alone.")