fantastical days-it's all in the attitude!!! :D

okay jsut a note to those concerned....i'm okay! lol i was overreacting to something that i've got in control now! lol silly me

but life is just fantastic. one thing i've been waiting for a while to come, finally might be. i say might cuz things haven't been finalized quite yet. so i just dont want to say much in case i jinx it. that means no tellin what it is heath!! :D lol luv ya sis. but i'm really stoked. if all goes well you will either receive a text or an email by thursday or friday lettin you all know what this fantastic thing is...lol you may think i'm silly, but heck i am! lol and proud of it.

hmm...so life is just good. i got so much done at work today and i'm totally proud of myself. i was determined today would be a good one and it was. lol i made great effort to sound especially cheerful when i answered the phone...lol it was coolio! and now i'm just sittin at work, wishing i could take my shoes off cuz my feet are hot...lol i don't like shoes much btw. but since i have to wear them, i wear flip flops when possible and i make sure i have cute keds to wear when flip flops just aren't possible lol.... but yeah, i think i'll switch to flip flops when i get home.. or just no shoes at all! cuz it's a heat wave here at work and my hometown...lol it's 50 degrees farenheit i think! :D lol

oh and this morning there was the freakin' coolest fog over everything. i love fog and i am extremely fascinated by it. actually the other night...last friday the 22nd, there was this really cool fog as i was drivin home for the night around 1 am...actually it would have been the 23rd by then...lol but it was so cool. the fog was so dense!!! my goal someday is to find a place where the fog is so dense you can barely see your hand a few inches in front of you. then i will play tag!!! lol that would be so much fun!!! lol

another thing i have a goal to do someday, is to find tall corn or wheat field, tall enough you can't see eachother at all. like at least six feet tall corn stalks or wheat stalks, and then play tag there too. or hide 'n go seek. that would be extremely fun!!! lol yeah i know these goals are childish but they are just so cool!! lol

but yeah...tha's me for today! in a fantastic mood!! hope you all have a fantabulous evening!!!

averagejane signing off!! :D

i know better....

so why can't i say no? i thought i learned that from my last relationship...that i needed to be stronger and say no...well, this is a not so drastic situation where i really need to say no, but am finding myself not saying it. i like kissing him, that is the biggest problem. i know that i'll only break his heart again, yet here i go. i really need to stop this before it goes any farther...like just that he gets his hopes up and i just crush him. i need to just stop myself from being selfish and going for it cuz i like it rather than i really like him... i like talking to him as a friend...i'll talk to him tonight after we go to the movie...or before...i dunno...but i've got to talk to him tonight.... tell him that i can't break his heart again...cuz i know i will. i like flirting with him and the feel of his arms around me but it's not his arms that i like, it's just the feeling of someone's arms. or maybe it's his arms...ugh. to be honest i think it's just the feeling of someone's arms securely around me...

did i mention he quit drinking....he hasn't touched a drop in a month...that is totally amzing of him to be honest....i'm so proud of him. but yeah....

anyhoo...i'll talk to him tonight...

oh and i hate that i don't talk to r. anymore... i really should talk to him. i will on monday...

averagejane signing off...

changed plans

so plans have been changed and i'm not able to make it up to the sundance film festival...and i was really actually looking forward to that. but it's kind of my own stupid fault i'm not gonna be able to go. oh well, i'm determined not to let it get me down! i'm not gonna sink down to that cuz i'm determined to just stay happy and be okay. anyhoo....

but, i miss him. a lot. i see him and he smiles at me. i smile at him...god i miss him. wish i could talk to him...like normal. wish i could just fold his arms around me and be safe in his embrace... but i can't. not yet at least....


average jane signing off.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

so the thing i thought wouldn't happen, at least for a year or so, happened. somehow my mom knows what happened between me and him...she confronted me about it this morning...and i have to admit it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. but it still was like i thought it would be in some part. she's disappointed in me. but that i can handle. i'm used to ppl being disappointed in me. i just learn to brush it off and move on with life, living the best that i can. she wanted to know if i wanted to rectify it all with god and church.(as much as i say i believe in god now, i still wonder...to be honest) those reading this who are lds and know that situation, know what all that entails. i told her no, i didn't want to. because a part of me is still trying to pull myself together, not crying at night wondering if he's okay. wondering if i'm okay. a part of me still wants to be with him. but it takes most of what i have to remind myself why i broke it off. why i can't do this. and it takes most my resolve to just wake up each morning determined to be okay. to make sure i don't let things get me down. to prove to myself that i'm okay. to prove to myself i'm worth jsut starting again and finding my way through life. cuz i have things i need to do...i know i say this a lot. but i have to stay away from relationships to focus on my goals. i mean i still flirt and will date. but, i won't let my heart get involved in them. i won't let anyone get that close. i've got plans and i'm not deterring from them anymore. this is why i'm really making an effort in my classes this semester and keeping on top of things. i have things that won't go anywhere if i don't get through college. but mostly i have to prove that i can get through college. that i am mature enough to be in the "real world". somedays i seriously wonder though...but i'm making it work. i'm slowly growing up. but yeah...

now don't take the above as i'm not okay. i really am working towards it. i don't mean to bitch and try to say my life is hard. well, it is some days. but that's mostly from my decisions. but i wouldn't take back anything. it's making me a stronger person. he asked me if i regretted him. i told him. i may regret what i let myself do with him...but i'll never regret him. never. he is a part of my life...a part that helped me learn more about myself and put me on the path to making me stronger. i will never regret him. i'm stronger now.

average jane signing off...

life is great

wow! so yeah life is going great to be honest! i miss him every day...which in itself is funny cuz i see him 5 days a week still. but i'm learning to cope and be okay and get where i'm going in this life. i have this new fav. quote. it comes from the movie, "p.s. i love you." it's something along the lines of "getting through this life we have...realizing that none of us get out alive." it just made me realize, when i heard it, even more than i already realized it, we don't get out of this life alive. we all are eventually gonna die. i mean, wow, it really just hit me when the character, holly, said it at the end of the movie. lilke it was just so blunt and yet so beautifully said. i'll have to see the movie again and write down the line exactly so you all can get what i mean! but yeah...

add: oh so i totally found the quote i mentioned above, online!!! how lucky is that! lol but here it is...feel free to comment on it. cuz it made me really think!

"This is my one and only life, and it is a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive." (said by Holly, the character played by Hilary Swank.)

so tonight i'm gonna go see a movie called 27 dresses with my sister. i've been waiting for at least a month for it to come out and i can't wait to see it!! :D lol for those of you who don't know the story line, here's a short summary of it. there is this girl, who has been a bridesmaid 27 times, for jsut all of her friends and such. she is in love with a guy she works with ( the guy may be her boss, but i'm not sure! ). one night she is at a club, with her friend and the guy she is in love with is there too...not sure why or if it's just coincedence. but her friend tells her she has to go and tell him how she feels. but who should come up just as she does to this guy? her sister. and the girl introduces them both, they fall in love and then over like the next few weeks get engaged. so the girl's name is jane, btw...but jane plans her sisters wedding. but a little twist to this story even more, is that at the last wedding/reception jane was at, she met this oober cute guy played by james marsden. anyhoo, so in this all , the two of them become friends and he helps her realize that maybe it's time for her to find her happy ending!! this results in a good quote in the movie that goes as follows, (said by actor James Marsden) "you'd rather focus on other people's kodak moments, rather than make memories of your own." so it's really motivating to me to get out and live my life and make my own "kodak moments." lol but life is really just good. like a few times today i had thoughts that threatened to really dampen my mood. like thoughts of him, and wondering if he's okay. but i told myself it didn't help any to get all down on myself or anything. i can just reasonably worry that he's okay, without it really pulling me down. and i've done well today at keepin my mood up!! it does help that i have a flirt buddy...lol his name is ron. and he's cute! anyhoo...but also, i've been doing a little stretching of my legs on my breaks. it's really cool!! and easy to do.

lol so that's my life. been busy with school and work and just life in general but all is just fantastic!! ;) average jane signing off!

ps. i think it helps that i have my hair in pigtails. cuz they are such a fun hairdo to have and they make you feel like a little kid sometimes! :D

missing him

wow... so first let me say this is my two hundreth post!! lol

but, why does it have to be so damn hard? you know deep inside that it really is the best, at least for now. but why does he have to look so perfect? be so perfect? i mean, what guy do you know that just randomly cooks when he is bored? then comes and shares it with the ppl at work? god, he just looks so perfect. you can't help that you love him, but it's just not meant to be right now... and you have to stop yourself from calling him or texting...can't stir up his feelings or yours...sometimes you cry yourself to sleep...then a new day comes, think you've got it under control, then you come to work say hi, he smiles and you melt and want to just take it all back. just be with him...god you miss him!

well, life moves on and in a few years you don't know what could happen...maybe then you will get a second chance and it will be right this time...

average jane signing off

things changing...

isn't it funny how one moment can really change your life? make you really think about everything that is happening... sometimes it's for the better, sometimes for the worse...as for me, i've not decided yet...

but i've been thinking a lot lately. just about life...and where i'm going...what i want to do with it...and some thing has kind of changed my plans...but yeah...

oh, and i had hoped to travel to new york this summer...but i don't think i'll have the funding to anymore...

well that's all for now...except that i'm really tired, cuz i got home at 3 am this morning...dont ask why...

average jane signing off...

crazy weekend

so i just have to say this has been a crazy weekend... and now into the middle of the week. events happened friday, that broke my heart. but i just don't know what to think really. i love this guy, but, i've been talking to him and i don't think he was lying like i thought he might have been. but, today or tomorrow, i should know for sure. yesterday i'll admit that i was all ready to try and leave it in the past and just move on, no matter how hard that would be. cuz this guy is the first and only one i've truly loved. but now i'm thinking i just jumped to conclusions... i do tend to do that. i kind of have a fear of confrontation, so i don't tend to go ask the person what the situation is. anyhoo... well, now i think it's halfway resolved. but there is hurt feelings on both sides, so it may take a while to really put it all back together...


and i know there are a few of you out there that really just want to slap me right now cuz you think i'm just settin myself up to be hurt again. but don't worry about me. i'm okay. and i'm gonna be careful, it was just a misunderstanding.

anyhoo, average jane signing off...

why? hm...

why is it that we just love to torture ourselves? honestly! i've been reading over old blog posts of mine and a friend. i just read them over several times. each time i read them, the old feelings i felt at that time of my life, resurfaced just about as depressing as ever. now i sit here in a funk. god i'm just stupid. anyhoo...but also, i really just wish i could spend more time with my special someone. he tells me that he is falling in love with me. and i admit that i love him, like i never thought i possible. i usually shy away when things get to the whole " i love you" stage. that's what happened with my first and really only official boyfriend. i just freaked when it came to the serious feelings and dating just him. i realized that i would look around me and just say hmm... i think it would be fun to go out with that cute guy. and so i freaked and broke it off....then my second really serious relationship...that went on for a month. that was really long for me. but then, there is this guy now. robert. yes...you have heard abt. him before. our relationship has been developing since about june/july. at first there was crap goin on and i really didn't know whether i could trust him. but then things developed about a month or two ago. i had feelings for him from the beginning. and no matter what he did, they seemed to just keep developing. one day i felt as if things were cool and i could trust him, the next i was let down. this seriously went on for a few months. but let me just tell you, i really can't hold grudges for too long, especially against guys. unless of course you really are disrespectful all the time and out right rude. but if you do something, it's mostly forgotten in at most a few days....anyhoo, but so then it started with a kiss...at first i just kind of blew him off after i let him kiss me a few days. but then, i just kind of let it all go, as i was rather just trying to protect myself from any possible hurt rather than i was mad at him. but then, it all just began to develop as i talked with him and we became great friends. i could talk to him about anything and have a serious deep conversation, yet at the same time, i could have a crazy discussion about music, or food or other such stuff. and i loved it. and i felt myself falling...hard. with each kiss i melted in his arms, each embrace i felt safe, secure, and just plain happy. which is saying a lot for my seriously bi-polar life. lol but i think about him almost all the day long, i just want to be near him, see him, and talk to him. for a few days i totally let myself become so distracted by my thoughts of him it was hard to work. but i found a good in between eventually. and now here i am totally in love with him. wow it's the greatest feeling.

the greatest thing about him though, is that he made a promised to me about two months back that he would tell me the truth in anything. and so far he has kept that promise. i really love that he has made such an effort to never lie to me. he kind of told me a few lies in the past. he says that he owes it to me to prove that he loves me and that he is being honest in everything. i love it.....

well work is almost over so i'll finish what i want to say later.

average jane signing off...

my heart is saying yes...

so...here's the deal. i did something a few weeks ago that i know was wrong, but felt so right...and the thing is, i want to do it again. but my mind is telling me no. my heart, well, i've allowed my emotions to get tied up in this...and nothing can happen right now... and if something did happen, i'd want it to be when both of us are unnattached. that it would happen cuz we both want it. no obligations or guilt trips... that's no way to live life... and yet i want something to happen right now. but it can't.. and i hate myself for wanting it to happen. cuz i think i'm falling fast and hard...in love maybe... cuz there has to be a physical and a mental attraction. wanting to be with someone for reasons beyond the physical part of a relationship. loving them for their mind and honesty. and i've found that...god i'm screwed up but here goes. i would live life wondering always, "what if..."

average jane signing off...

A humongous update!! :D

a lot has gone on recently. i guess i've just been too lazy to tell it all...so now i have the time plus the motivation.

so, friday was an interesting day that began most of it. that would be october 5th. the day of my friend steph's wedding. well, so after work and in between going to her reception, i went to walmart with my sister. while there i saw my friend, jay funk, who i haven't really seen or talked to in like a year or so. he lives in my neighborhood, but because we both have lives and he has a full time job at desert star, where i used to work, we rarely see each other. but i have to admit that i really had a crush on him while i worked with him. he's only like 3 or 4 yrs. older than me. and seeing him again made me realize that i still have a crush on him. and can i jsut say that he gives great hugs!! i could just melt in his hugs... but we talked a bit and then i had to go. but we exchanged phone numbers...

so then it was time for stephs reception. so i threw on a skirt, then went to harmons for a card. it took me forever to find the right one that didn't seem all formal and old people-ish. and finally i found the perfect one. it said something along the lines of " i now pronounce you pookie and shnookums." and on the inside,"awww..." that totally fit steph and dave. cuz there was a time when steph was trying out pet names for dave. and we had names like shnookums and such. it was a riot. and dave's face each time we tried a new name was funny... lol so i got that card. then i went to the reception. i managed to get there right when steph was throwing the bouquet. she saw me come in and yelled at me to get over there. lol so i thought okay i can do this. cuz i have to admit that i was terribly worried how things would be. so then i kind of stepped back while the whole wedding group got some pics taken. and i was gonna go sit down at a table. but then looking over, i knew maybe two ppl there. and i wasn't sure how things were with them. and that's when i started to get teary eyed. cuz it was weird that a place that i used to feel was like my second home, now i felt so out of place in. and that's one of the worst things for me is to feel out of place. or not accepted. but the second thing didnt' apply this time.

so then i went through the line, and i gave sharon, steph's little sister a hug. then i went to stephs parents. and they made me feel good all over. cuz her dad is just like, "hey amybird!" (that name is an inside joke, that turned to our special thing) and then he acted like we had never met and said, "hi i'm the father of the bride," then turning to his wife, "and this is my wife." lol i shook their hands and played along with it. i love stephs parents beyond anything. they are my fav. but then i talked to steph and then on to dave's mom. she introduced herself and said that she thought she might have met me before. and i said yeah that i'd hung out with dave sometimes at their house. i didn't think it tactful to mention i had gone out with him, seein as he just got married. not that it mattered that we dated as we really just ended up friends. but yeah. then i talked to nathan, my bestest friend who was the best man. and i said and you are? and he introduced himself like we had never met. then he gave me a hug and said, "i don't normally hug strangers, but i have a feeling abt this." lol that really made me laugh. we chatted a minute then i just had to go. cuz i guess i had come hoping that everything would be back to normal. somehow. but then just being there and seeing how happy steph was, was just a reminder that nothing would be the same anymore. so neeedless to say, by the time i got to the parking lot, tears were streaming down my cheeks. i've always wondered abt when they say tears streaming down their cheeks. well, that's how it was. the tears just came. and i guess i made it worse driving home cuz i had a song playing called "for good" from the musical wicked. and one part really hit me. there is a part that says, (Elphaeba singing) "and just to clear the air i ask forgiveness for the things i've done you've blamed me for." (Glinda) "but then i guess we know there's blame to share, " (both) "and none of it seems to matter any more." so that reminded me of how steph and i had realized that we both had made stupid decisions and that ended our friendship. and i guess i wish i could say it doesn't matter anymore. but the fact is it does. cuz, nothing will be the same again. and i lost a best friend. and no matter how i try things wont' be the same. and a good portion of that is due to how i've changed over the summer. i have made more friends. but not to say they will ever replace my friendship with steph, but i've adapted and no longer will ever have one sole friendship that i rely on. cuz if things go sour, then it won't hurt as much, cuz it's not like my whole life is with that person.

well, now i got off on a tangent... so as i was driving home, i found out that my friend jay has a girlfriend so i was like oh. whatev. then i get a random text from my friend art. well, to make a long story short, he asked if i had a crush. and i told him i had two. and then he asked who they were. then asked if he were one of them. and so i told him that yes he was. and turns out he kinda likes me too. but i guess he's worried a bit about the whole dating some one from work. so yah. but i ran into him at walmart on saturday. and my sister was with me and she said that he definitely likes me! lol so that boosted me. but then when i came to work on monday, it was just like things were normal. but yeah. we might hang this weekend.

so then i hung with holly on sunday night and we just had a talk abt art and life and everything else. it was good. and i think what i really needed. good times... :)

but then lets see...oh the point of the above paragraph. well, while hangin with holly i was texting a friend cody. and then at one point i told him abt holly and he said i should hook them up. then i told him to ask chris about holly. so then he actually asked someone else about holly and they told cody she wasnt cute at all. and i got offended. so between this on monday and last night, tuesday, cody got the idea that i was mad at him, when i'm not. i'm just kind of mad at the person who said this abt. holly, most likely cuz she's a bit overweight, but freakin gorgeous, i think. anyhoo, so he texts me last night abt all this. well, so i tell him i'm not mad at him. and clear up this misunderstanding. then he said, btw you owe me a massage. and this was all from an earlier conversation. so i said, lol i'll give you that massage when you finally ask me out! ( cuz he keeps saying he'll ask me out. but just makes excuses.) then he replied, i'll ask you out if you dont deny me when i kiss you. so i replied, well i might be able to make that compromise...we'll see if you ask me out! so then he said, If you promise ill ask you out this weekend. so that totally caught me off guard. cuz he's been making excuses for weeks and now he's saying that he'll ask me out this weekend. so i had to think for a bit and acutally got advice from holly. so what i ended up telling him that i wouldn't deny him if he kissed me. but i told him if that's all he wanted from me then i would deny him. cuz i don't get down like that. never again. so we have that settled. but he has yet to ask me out. but if he doesnt' ask me out by thursday, i'll say no cuz i'll have plans of some sort. so as not to appear easy. cuz i'm not.

so yeah. that's abt what is all happening!! wow, that's a lot. so yeah...

well, there is this group called t.A.T.u. that i absolutely love and i just got their first CD. cuz i like it best. and there is this song called "all the things she said." and it's the song on my mind now cuz my mind keeps goin over everything art and cody said. like i don't think i like cody much anymore, except that he's cute and can be nice. and it would be fun to go out with him... but yeah... i'm just looking for casual dating. and it would be that with cody.
so yeah...

average jane signing off..

ps. btw cody smells really good, today especially. lol he just walked past me...mmmm..

EDIT: so after posting this all, i just had somethin else i was reminded to post. cuz i have to say that there is actually one guy that i like but dont' pursue anything with beyond friends. cuz he's already got a girlfriend. and she's so nice and sweet that i wouldn't think of even doin anything to get between them even if i could. (his name is casey, btw) but he's just way cute and just the right look that really makes me sigh. then art also has that look too...but just not the same as casey...*sigh*

i love life! he hee

so, the funniest thing happened yesterday. so i was at work and my dad comes in to tell me they had dropped off the car for me to get home, cuz they had dropped me off at work. but then my mom comes in and says she thought she might as well see where i work while she's here. so of course i have to introduce her to all my wonderful friends at work. so i take her to pumps dept. to meet callie, and i tell my mom callie is my favorite. but then my dad who has already met most everyone says that i have to have mom meet Art, a guy back in pumps dept. who is a good friend and i kind of have a crush on. so, i go back to the shop to see if hes there, but he isn't. so then i just come back to my desk. like two minutes later, he calls up to my phone and i tell him to stay where he is that i want my parents to meet him. so i go back there and they all meet...

well, then my parents leave cuz they have places to be. but then like 20 min. later, my friend callie comes up to me and says that she is in trouble now. and i ask her what she'd done now. she told me that she had said to Art that my parents had come just to meet him! lol lol so then she said that he blushed. then asked if callie was serious. callie said yeah. then he kind of smiled. so i later questioned more about the smile. and she said that it was an "oh-she-likes-me" smile. then i asked if it was an "oh, awkward, she likes me" smile or an "oh-she-likes-me-pleased" smile. and callie said it was definitely a pleased "oh-she-likes-me" smile! lol

totally made my day. well, that's all.

average jane signing off! :D

more drama but it's all good!! :D

well, here i am...once again blogging my life to the whole world. well, making it available to the whole world, though probably only read by few...anyhoo, i'm babbling. but yeah, so things are interesting around the office. it's odd having everyone know about my dating life... and to have some rumors going around about me. like i just had my friend in the pumps dept. ask me if i was back with chris. and i so am not. cuz i don't want to get back in that drama with him. but at the same time i'm also wondering what i'm just doing overall. but my horoscope says to have a positive outlook on life today and that i can just relax. so i guess that means dont' worry and that things will work out... so here goes.

but so whats goin on in my life. well, the biggest thing right now is actually a date i have wednesday. well, big in the sense that it's the only thing i have going on and i really can't wait for it to be over. i'm goin on a date with darion on weds. he finally got the guts to ask me out and i said yes and am now regretting it... cuz he seems to think that we are boyfriend and girlfriend, though i specifically made sure he knew that we weren't. he called me four times one day in the space of two and a half hours, three of them in the space of an hour... and i was at work so i didn't answer them, plus i found out it was him so i didn't answer. but once i go out with him on weds. i don't have to again. cuz i will be busy and i will make plans that i absolutely cannot break for him... i know pathetic but it's how i get by!! :D

now, to the other stuff in my life....well i went and saw the movie "hairspray" and it was fantastic!!!! i wasn't so sure at first if i would like it cuz me and my sis actually went to see "becoming jane," but it was sold out!!! oh my we weren't expecting that! but hairspray was awsome! i recommend you all see it!

and...well, so my new crush at work. how are things with him.... well, he finally asked for my number on friday and we actually texted for a bit. but his charger was having issues so he never actually called me. well that is what he said. and for now i'm gonna believe him, but not put too much worry into if he calls me or what will happen between me and him. if it happens it happens. but, i really just need to keep my personal life, like my dating life, separate from work. i don't need more rumors and such goin on at work. i already have plenty from all of my dating chris shit...but yeah...

so i was talkin to cody just a bit ago. and then i came back to my desk cuz my break was over. and not five minutes later, cody comes up to me and says that another guy who works in warehouse, casey, saw cody and i talkin and was going to go tell chris that we had been talkin. that kind of pissed me off. and i guess it really pissed me off cuz i didn't think it was his business to go running to chris tellin him that me and cody had been talking, cuz that really depresses him for some reason. but its not like we're tryin to hide that we're talking. just if chris doesn't notice it, then why cause more drama and tell him? just common sense. but yeah the ppl here at work sometimes revolve around drama. it's funny sometimes, but damn annoying a lot lately. anyhoo, so i'm still gonna talk to cody, we're just gonna keep it on the DL. cuz why deliberately cause more drama? but yeah. i just dont' think its any body's business to spread rumors and shit. so i've definitely been keeping more of everything i hear to myself. i only will tell ppl stuff that i observe to be true with my own two eyes. i'm not gonna go spreading things i hear from others that i haven't seen for myself. that is what i'm gonna avoid. cuz i hate being in the middle of such.

well, i've babbled enough... lol :D but life is really not too bad at the moment! i will survive! lol totally thinkin of that song, "i'm a survivor, i'm gonna make, i will survive, keep on survivn..." lol its great!!!

averagejane signin off!!! (life is okay!! :D )

thoughts at work...

so here i sit at work. and i'm in kind of a funk, of sorts. but it's hard to explain. but i need to write this all down. so here goes.

well, so today i've only once seen chris. and that was in the break room for lunch. and while it's to be expected, i still was surprised i hadn't seen him all day until lunch. cuz it's like he's a constant presence in my life and at work. i'm always seeing him. but i do admit that he purposely would take the will call orders to come up and see me. but now, he isn't taking them, specifically i think to avoid me. i'm not entirely sure on that though. anyhoo, so i saw him in the break room. and at first i didn't talk to him and he didn't talk to me. it was kind of awkward, and he was stomping around and being rough with things and seemed upset of sorts. then he stomped out of the break room and then came back with the movie moulin rouge. and we had talked about how i hadn't seen it so he told me that i'd have to borrow it some time. so i guess today was that sometime.

but so then i asked chris if he was okay. and he said he was. just a bit frustrated. he thought that cody was gonna move in tonight. but yeah. so he was frustrated about that. and our fertilizer room was not going right in the organizing they were doing. but the thing is that we talked and i told him about my date with darion that i am now regretting. as he called me four times yesterday in two and a half hour period. ugh!! but yeah.

so i'm just waiting for things to cool down with chris. because it's like things are at a standstill with cody and i. like we say hi. but that's about it. we really haven't talked since yesterday about all of that and him tellin me that he likes me. but i guess he's just been busy in the warehouse. they always seem so busy. cuz there are so many customers that need things pulled off the shelves. but yeah...

well, so as it comes near closing time, i have things i need to finish up, so i'll close this post. but just my random thoughts and feelings.....

averagejane signing off....(i'm in a weird mood)

disappointed no more

let me just say i hate life. i just let myself be disappointed time and time again. i tell myself not to set myself up to be disappointed, yet i don't listen to myself. yet again i let myself be excited for plans made with my best friend. and yet again i was disappointed. this is not to be a criticism to anyone. this is simply my thoughts and feelings. i set myself up for disappointment. again. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. and in more situation than one this weekend.

so here's my weekend. so graduation on saturday for travel and tourism. pretty cool. i get fun cords to wear for real graduation. and the food was good afterwards. :D so then after that i had to go to a family reunion. ugh. the only fun part was i got to play with my little cousin timmy. he's a cutie. and man can he talk! :O lol but then i went home and took a bubble bath to relax, then a shower to wash my hair. but i found i didn't have time to blow my hair dry, so i just scrunched it into curls and let it dry that way. really looked terrible. but anyhoo, i took a jello to our party at crowther's house (my teacher). and it ended up i was the only one who ate it. so it melted while it just sat there. and my friend left early so i kind of just sat around and ppl watched. anyhoo, so i left around 7:30pm. then i went to my car, and as i was walking, my jello leaked out of its pan cuz i was holding it funny. ended up leaking in my car. a mess to clean up. so i was ticked off by the time i got home. then, i called my friend to see if she had gotten back from the ball/dinner thingy she went to with her boyfriend. she didn't answer. i called three times by the time it was 8:30 and still no answer. and i was hurt. cuz she had told me it was our night. we were gonna do something. but guess not. (didn't even call back that night). anyhoo, so i decided to go to the region dance. didn't even know there was one until that night. so i spent a half-hour figuring out where it was. then i got there and i found darion. well, after i hung out with meisha and alexis for a bit. and we talked a bit, joked around. and i got him to dance one slow dance with me...:D (he hates dancing btw) but then he was back to his normal self of acting like we were just friends. and so once again i was disappointed. twice in a night. i went to the dance hoping to have some good music, good ppl and get in a better mood. ha...didn't work. but then i ended up flipping darion off twice that night. i really wasn't altogether really pissed off at him. it was more a combination of my friend earlier mixed with his childish mind games. but yeah. so it just sucks.

then today. my friend arrived late to class today. but she had good reason. no problem there. then she apologized for not answering her phone. i still don't know why she didn't answer. but then i explained to her that i had been hurt that we didn't hold to our plans. we were gonna do something. like maybe a movie or sumthin. nothing set, but we had planned it to be our night, or so i thought. and i didn't get angry or act mad. i just was hurt. kind of story of my life.

so i guess i need to stop fooling myself.and not to expect so much of others. out there in the real world, i won't have anyone. just me and me alone. i've learned that guys are not to be depended on. and learned to never like a guy younger than me. they're too immature. i thought darion would be different. but i guess not. silly me.

anyhoo, so from now on, i will focus on getting myself where i need to be in the world. no more expecting anything from ppl that are supposed to be best friends. i guess boys come over friendship...silly me. but from now on, i really am gonna change all this.

also, i was gonna not say anything to anyone. but i was gonna get a cell phone and service. but now it doesn't matter that i say anything. cuz i won't be getting one. what does it matter to have one if i dont have anyone to talk to? it's just a waste of money. this summer i'm gonna work to buy a car. that at least can get me somewhere. i can drive far away from utah. far away from those who disappoint. far away from anyone who knows me. i can get on my own and build my own life.

i don't know why i'm writing all this, as i don't care if anyone comments. i won't be reading them...but, i guess this time it's really just for me...

average jane signing off....

lost and confused

so i went to young womens tonight. and it was a combined activity with the guys. and i saw darion there. i even helped him with some things, like with the scripture mastery stuff. i'm pro at that. :D but then after we got all our things done, we went out and sat on the couch. and darion said, what's wrong? and i said, oh nothing. but he said no really. what's wrong? so i said i was confused. and he asked why. and i told him that one week he was all telling me he loved me. then the next he was all like, hey. and not as close. so i said i was confused. then he said nothing. so i said well, i'm gonna go outside and get some air. he said, do you want me to come with you? i said, if you want to. and so we went outside. and he and sorta talked. like about what if i could live anywhere outside of the US, where would i live, or would i not leave? and i said, somewhere in Europe. maybe italy or france or england. and i said i just want to see Europe and the world. and he said that's funny. and i said why is that funny, cuz it's not normal? and he said, no. he said, cuz i've been dreaming of traveling lately. and i totally was shocked. cuz it was funny that he totally gets my wanting to travel. and we talked of how in russia i only needed to see the st. peter's cathedral. (oh and the peterhoff palace i believe it's called) but then i could skip the rest of russia. but we talked about that and then we went and got brownies and ice cream. but then, we came back out and we weren't alone anymore. cuz other girls joined us. and then nick joined. but then at around 5 to 9 pm, i got up to leave and so did darion. he had to be home around 9 like me. but then we crossed the street and darion said he had to get home. and so he put his arms out to give me a hug. and i gave him a short hug. and he said, see you later. and i said whatever. he looked confused and said what's all that about? i said, you still haven't explained anything. so he said tomorrow morning. i'll explain. and i said when tomorrow morning? he said he'd be by my house around 7:05. so i'll be leaving earlier than i have in months. but i just want to hear what the deal is. whether we're just friends or more. i need to know.
but i guess what's the hardest about all this, is that when it's jsut me and darion, i see the real him. how he's so smart and so much more than "just a pretty face." he really is a great guy. and i think maybe this past week he's been having to deal with the fact that once again the ppl who were supposed to adopt him, may not. they're not sure. and i could tell it's a total blow to darion. i think this is the third time this has happened. sure he didn't really want to become mr. mormon boy. but i think he would have done it to be in a family. and that bites that once again it looks like it may not go through. when he said it, it literally broke my heart. for the thirtieth time. but i guess there's not much i can do about it. except just be his friend. i can't stop being that. cuz he's amzing. even if a little crazy sometimes.

anyhoo, so yeah. there's more explaination to my situation. or actually an update is more what it is. but i guess tomorrow i get to find out what darion means. either way i just need to know.

average jane signing off ( ignorance is bliss...somedays...)

letting go of what i've done, but happy memories

right now i'm jsut terribly sick of hearing all those love stories of girls and their boyfriends. well, maybe it's just my friends' stories i'm sick of. i hate hearing how happy they are and all the details. maybe it's cuz i'm bitter that my love life basically sucks...cuz sure i have guys that possibly things could happen with, but right now, nothing is happening. that is cuz i don't see darion much during the week... like somedays i see him at lunch time, sometimes walking home from school. and i really want to see him and talk to him, maybe i'm getting my hopes up too high... cuz i still don't know that he meant i love you in more than friendship way. i'll definitely get to him tomorrow. cuz he's always at church lately. it's the one thing i look forward to on sundays, seeing darion. he makes me laugh, makes me happy...most of the time. he can get on my nerves a bit, like everyone else. but overall we're good.. and i know this whole moping over darion is getting old so i'll move on...

well yesterday was state choir competitions. graces got all 1s. concert choir got two 1s and a 1-. yeah graces kick butt!!!! :D

but also yesterday i went and played some ultimate frisbee. well, i tossed around a frisbee with ryan thatcher, but i didn't actually play in the game. maybe next friday i will. i just have to get better with the whole game... i found out that i can catch okay, but my throwing could be improved... a lot! :D lol it was fun though, even though my butt is sore...probably from running and actually doing something instead of just sitting and watching a movie on a friday night! it really was cool and we were there until like 11 pm. fun stuff...

but unfortunately i have to work today. ugh at lambert floral. but i'm working from 11am to 6pm when they close. i'm leaving right after the last person leaves. i don't plan on staying around to help! yeah right, i did that last time. stayed to help. and i was there until almost 7 pm. naw i need to come home and rest.

oh and the other day i had this amzing conversation with my friend jay hansen. i was walking home from school and caught up to him. and we really talked like he and i havent' in a while. it was cool cuz i felt a new connection with him, like i hadn't felt in who knows how long. cuz we've both just kind of been caught up in school and friends and other stuff. but it was way good...cuz after we parted at my house, he's like, "i'll see you again soon, right?" i replied "most definitely." because i like talking to jay. he's really a great guy.

anyhoo, i have to just say that it's been an interesting week. i really haven't talked to a friend much this week, cuz i guess it just seems she's always with her boyfriend, and maybe that's not true, but i guess i just feel that way. maybe thats why i feel like i'm kind of just going back to how i was junior year. i had a lot of great friends, but the best i had was nathan... and i guess the reason i'm back to how it was in junior year...is cuz i know that nathan'll always be there to talk to if i need to. i know that is not gonna change. anyhoo, i'm gettin mushy and i really hate that some times... but life is okay. i survive. and right now i really do like that new linkin park song i posted. it's a song about just washing away all the crap of the world. it's about taking away what i've become and jsut starting new...i wish i could do that. but anyhoo, i've babbled enough...

average jane signing off...

darion makes me happy, yet confused...

last night i had a dream...about darion. and you all know that dreams often are either our subconcious telling us something or something that is really on our mind. well, obviously darion is on my mind... :D

so my dream...well, i was in california. that much i remember. i don't know why cali, but i was there with darion. i had gotten there by plane. that i remember... but, we were in a church and darion was being the usher(the person who passes out the church programs of the meeting, for those who don't know what i mean...) and so i sat by him for a bit. i couldn't sit by him for very long cuz my parents were there at the church too and i think expected me to sit by them. but just sitting by him, i could really feel he liked me and we just talked. it was cool. and then i got up for something, and randomly this girl liz that, in the dream, was some ex-girlfriend of his in cali, came up to him and she hugged him. and i got oober jealous. tha's really all i remember.

but this is the first time in a long time that i've dreamt about a guy i like. the last one i dreamt about was a good friend that it turns out doesn't like me as more than a friend... and then before that dave...so i guess it's like making me realize how much i like him. i only dream about those that are seriously on my mind and i can't stop thinking about. Darion has been on my mind a lot in the past week. ever since he told me he loved me....i hope he means it. cuz i'm realizing just how far i've come to rely on him, and how far i've fallen for him. didn't do too well protecting my heart this time. oh well, my new saying is, (like my screen name for messenger..) "life is pain. anyone who says differently is selling something." that's a line off of princess bride. but i guess it's not all pain. there is some good mixed in with the pain. like friends...i have two i know will always be there to listen to me if i need to vent, to share my happy news with, to cry with, to laugh with, (even across the net. it's so still possible.) but also, i like the new linkin park song. i'm posting it like right now....

but so i'm seriously hoping that things develop between me and darion. i could use some positive stuff in my life...cuz choir is just bringing me down, no matter how hard i try to just keep above it...mmmm.. darion, happy thoughts....well i'm tired and it's time for me to be in bed. i have to perform tomorrow....ugh....wait happy thoughts...spencer-makes me laugh, darion-makes me happy and smile.... :D love you both so much

average jane signing off... (it's now 10:14 and i'm so exhausted...)

a rollercoaster that sucks

so today has been a real emotional rollercoaster for me. first i was up cuz i finished what i could for English and turned it in. i'm on the path to bring my grades up....and it's really relieving. but so the day went okay for the rest of school...i even signed up to donate blood... yeah...but then i mentioned that i was working on meditation to a friend. and i get a random response of how it's evil and that buddhism is evil and anything else to do with it is...and it kind of ticked me off. cuz i mean come on, what's so evil about meditation? it is a exercise to connect with yourself and to relieve stress that can be building up. typical in this world. i have yet to master meditation, but i'm determined to do it, after all i try to finish what i start.

but then more religious shit.....so i'm just sick of religion in general. i feel all too often that it is shoved in my face and i'm forced to do things that are a waste of my time and totally against my freedom. hell, i'm 18! shouldn't i be allowed to do what i think is right? tonight our planned activity for our young womens fell through so we were gonna go join the younger girls. ugh... plus it didn't help that they were all like i don't know if that'll be too many ppl? like 10 ppl was too much. *eye roll* but i had basically decided i was gonna go home and whatever...so i put my headphones in my ears and just walked down my street singing to my song "leave me alone," by the veronicas. and then she stopped me and asked if i was gonna go to the other girls house for games. i told her i don't know cuz i hate young womens and i don't even want to be here. then i went into my house. yeah told my dad the situation and convinced him to let me not go. ugh i really hate religion, especially just my ward leaders. they are so pushy and annoying. i wish they would just disappear. i can't wait until i branch out on my own. but i still have to graduate high school.... it can't come soon enough right now. i feel like sometimes i have to work to get a few of my friends' attentions. cuz it's like i'm invisible sometimes. that their life doesn't include me much anymore. drifting apart. but i guess with graduation coming up that's to be expected..and it's better to get used to it now....yeah.

well, i've got some meditation to go do. i have some major stress, emotions and issues to resolve.

average jane signing off. (yeah, life sucks, but hey story of my life and i move on....some ppl need to get out of my face, just leave me alone, like it says in my song "leave me alone.")