OMG!!!

lol okay...i know it's like 3 in the morning...but this totally warrants a blog post...lol especially since i haven't blogged in a little while! and the title of this blog pretty much sums up how i'm feelin at the moment ! lol lol but....

I'M ENGAGED!!!! lol it's so awesome, exciting, scary...amzing....lol just a whole jumble of things. it feels weird to be writing this...to be thinking of jay shepherd, the love of my life, as my fiancè....lol like i'm so stoked, but my head is still havin troubles wrappin around the idea! lol i think i'm still in shock mode, as this is not what i expected! lol not this soon...lol can't wait til tomorrow...lol and i do mean tomorrow...lol i get to show my ring off at work! lol it's so cute! lol just simple and silver, with a cute little delicate diamond...lol i love it! lol

well, i'm gonna close. i'll write more details when i wake up later today! :D lol

one last note...actually. lol it's funny cuz i can't seem to keep a smile off my face. lol i'm jsut so giddy and full of energy..which is why i'm still up! lol i love jay....

laters

averagejane signing off! :D life is fantabulous...i'm engaged and have a fiancè! lol gotta keep sayin that to get used to it :D lol

life is good! :D

once again i had the time of my life. mostly just because i was with jay. any time i can spend with him is the best...he is the best thing to happen to me. i'm so freakin lucky!!! lol

so today what did we do...lol we went to the clark planetarium and watched one of their IMAX shows. we have a duo membership there, so we figured why not use it. and i got to chose what we saw. lol we watched a film on mummies. it was way cool!!! i was so intrigued and would have loved to know more...lol must be my inner geek coming out. lol i try to repress it lol but i don't have to when i'm with jay, cuz he is just as geeky or more!! lol not that its a bad thing! i love it. because i don't feel like i have to explain things like 5 times until they get it. but yah...we had his sister kellyann along with us and she got bored i think watching it. lol but i had a blast! then we dragged poor jay along with us to some other stores lol. he's such a good sport. lol then we stopped in one of my fav. stores and jay loves it too. lol Barnes and Noble bookstore! lol gotta love books. it took all my will not to leave with an armful of books! lol we kind of teased jay by taking him into the astrology section, knowing full well he hates horoscopes and astrology...lol he was a good sport! lol we didn't stay there too long. lol but it's great that we have a mutual love of books! lol :D then we went on to bath and body works and we left after a bit cuz the mixed smells were getting to us both ... oh, then we decided to go to temple square lol. and the moment we walked in the gates, we were ambushed by this old gentleman that volunteers there . lol yes i mean ambush. like we had walked inside and been barely inside two seconds and he was like hi!!! have you been here before? lol but it was all good. and we ended up taking a tour. it was actually kinda cool..lol

but overall i think the best thing was just having jay near. i mean i was content to just walk along with his hand in mine, or his arms around me. i was comfortable and i didn't care who was looking. i feel comfortable in who i am and who i was with. most often, before me and jay were going out...i would just feel awkward somewhat on dates and uncomfortable with the guys...even though i liked them. like i was okay when it was just us, or with friends, but when i was out in public, it was awkward to me. i know it sounds weird...but that is how it was. then whenever i'm with jay, it's like none of that matters. i'm just with him and i don't seem to care much anymore. some things like us swinging our entertwined hands and skipping, lol, were totally me coming out of my bubble...but that is normal lol. though today it was fun actually lol :D lol anyhoo...so then, jay dropped me back at my house around 6 pm...lol we had been together for around 6 hours... :D but then we lingered on the doorstep. i didn't want him to go, and he didn't want to go either...lol :D i really am falling for him...:) life is great. it really is all going fantabulous~! can't wait to see him again...lol

well, laters...

averagejane floating off! :D

lovin life

*sigh* i don't think my life could be any more perfect than it is right now. i've got the best guy in the world...a job that is amzing....amzing friends...just everything is perfect. i don't feel like my life is just spiraling off into nowhere, like it has often over the last year or so. i would look at where i had been and mentally slapped myself. how did i get into the dumbest situations. you know...i will tell you. i was tryin so hard to break out of my "bubble", so trying to shock others, or prove them wrong, that i really wasn't choosing the things i really wanted, that i knew could not bring me anything but happiness. i chose the things i thought would make me happy, but that only lasted temporarily and i constantly set myself up for disappointment. but now i feel i've finally broke out of that pattern, come off that path. my life has taken a turn for the better, heck the best!!! my life could not possibly be much better than this.

two songs come to mind. one is called "i'm only me when i'm with you" by taylor swift. i love that song....just go on yahoo music to listen to it. but the part that i love is the chorus..." i'm only up when you're not down, don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground..." it's just cute...lol i've decided this song for various reasons is my song for jay...i mean he's never down! so that means i'm always happy. he makes me happy. i don't think i've felt this giddy and happy and floating on cloud nine! i don't think i could ever not want to be with him. and it also feels like i've known himf forever and that we have been dating longer than just almost a week. maybe that is cuz we have seen each other literally every night this week...lol or day as the case may be...lol and each time the only thing making it any easier to let him go, is the thought that i will see him in a few hours...lol well, sometimes more than a few. but still lol :D yeah...i feel so freaking lucky to have found a guy like this. i can't believe i am this lucky. he tells me he thinks he is luckier to have me, and i just say, i think i am so much luckier. how did i get such a cute, good looking!, sweet, adorable guy to be with me!?!?! lol yeah i really am lucky...and one thing i know for sure in this world....everything happens for a reason. and at the moment, i don't know why i got this lucky. but i do know that my previous relationships, even though they were crappy, had to happen so that i really could appreciate this great guy i have. jay is the sweetest guy i could ever hope for. i hope to not lose him...

but now that i have sufficiently babbled on about just jay...lol now i should probably mention what we did!~! lol we went to an improv show first off...well, that was after day murray music lol. but i loved the improv show! it was hilarious and i can't wait to go back next friday! lol me and jay have already planned that!! :D yay i think it's one of the times i have laughed the hardest in a long time.

then we decided to get something to eat when we got out. lol it was like 9 pm or 930, so we didn't eat until like 10 lol but then we hung at jay's house and him being a good guy (lol :D ) had to make sure i was home before midnight... i stalled a few times lol....he he ...he he...ha. but yah funny stuff...but lets just say that once again, jay amazed me at how amazing he is....

so i finally came home at 11:30 ish...and stalled more on the porch..lol (just one more jay...lol he he : D ) but i just couldn't resist....i had the greatest guy in the world in my arms...would you want to let go if you had the best person in the world with you? :) anyhoo...

well, i should go to sleep! i get to see him in 11 hours and 42 minutes!~~ :D yay!!! *kisses to my guy*

avearagejane floating away on cloud nine

oh p.s.. lol i forgot to mention the other song in my head. it's called "some hearts" by carrie underwood...the part really sticking with me is " i've never been the kind that you call lukcy,always stumblin around in circles, but i must have stumbled into something. look at me am i really alone with you...." lol *floats away...*

what a great day! :D

wow! i just had a really good night. it actually was a good afternoon into night. lol i ended up hangin out with my friend, elise, and jsut talking about guys and whatever else came to mind...lol then we decided it was okay for me to invite jay to hang with us...about a half hour or so later he shows up at the park we were at...lol then my friend decided to split and me and jay did some geocaching! lol he's got me hooked on that now. its really way fun! we did four around the area, and as we were finishing the last one, it was about time that the sun was setting so we just sat on the trunk of his car and watched the sunset. it was comfortable in his arms...lol oh did i mention we had kind of begun dating? lol but then i said to him at one point about how i was amzed he wasn't sick of me yet after seeing me like most every night of the week but like two nights! lol well, he just made this really cute comment lol then he told me he was kind of wanting this to be more permanent. i said that sounds great. so it's official! me and jay are going out...lol tomorrow he is going to give me his class ring to wear...lol how cute is that?!?!?! so oldfashioned and incredibly cute. lol

well i oughta get to bed as i have work tomorrow!!! he he...laters! : D

update pt. 1

so i guess it's time for an update...lol it's been a crazy while. lol

yeah so the previous entry. i know what you all think happened and let me say...yea it happened and it was hella fun...lol worth it even though the next morning i really just wanted to sleep! lol but just so that there isn't any doubt, here is an account of the event! lol

so thurs. april 24th, a friend at work came up to me, his name is j., and asked what i was doin that night. i told him i had a short class then pretty much nothing. so he asked me if i wanted to go to a Jazz game that night and i told him sure. lol it was funny cuz i remember him being all like flustered lol. but anyhoo...we kept in contact for the rest of the day and i ended up skipping my ASL final to get to the game early for dinner and such. lol but so i met him and his roomie and his roomie's girlfriend at j.'s place. then we drove up together in j's roomie's car. it was pretty cool lol. but i liked his friend and the girlfriend. they were cool and nice to me. it was cool because i could tell that they both were the ones who had been popular in high school, a crowd i hadn't run with. so to just be accepted as is was really cool for me. anyhoo...gettin on a tangent. once we got the Delta center, now called the Energy Solutions arena, we went and got our tickets and such and i found out we were in the season ticket holders section!! lol and we got the VIP stuff like dinner and a free shirt, etc. but so we all got somethin to eat and i settled while they went off to get some beer. there was unlimited beer with the VIP dinner. the funny part is that j. came back with a beer for me. lol he just comes up behind me and says, " i got you a heineken." lol i laughed on the inside. i guess he just thought that 1) i was old enough to drink and 2) that i did drink. lol it was way cool. so i drank it. then as we went to go into the game, j. asked if i wanted another one. lol i said sure. so then we went and watched the game! it was a blast. i found out after j. asked me to go to the game that it was the first playoff game. that made me even more excited to go. then to have fantastic seats on the 6th row, wow it was a good night to start with. then i was in good company with j. but about8-10 min before halftime, i really had to pee~ hee hee. i know TMI. but it was funny to me. cuz then at halftime i had to go a gain... anyhoo. also at halftime, we made our way back to where we had dinner and got some more beer. i think j. had like 3 more. i had one more. that was plenty for me. i took it back to the game. then we finished watching the game! damn it was a close game!!! i loved it it was so intense!

the game finished around 11:30 pm. we were all so high on the game and of course the beer. :D but then we headed back to j. and his roomie's place. i ended up staying there with j. for about 2 more hours and then his roomie, b., went to his girlfriend's place. it was a blast. i watched some family guy! it was my first time really watching it and i loved it. hee hee. it was funny. but then about partway through our hangout, he kissed me...lol he's a good kisser...we kissed a bit, i'll leave it at that. :D i finally left his place at around 2:30 am. got home about 3 am.

the next day at work, i was tired. no duh! and i really feel bad cuz i was kind of a bitch at work! he he i think it was a mixture of lack of sleep and my first three beers all in one night! yeah crazy mix!

well i'll finish this update in a bit...gotta close up work! :D

average jane signing off....

a fuckin mess....

god...i feel like shit right now. lol amzed that i'm laughin a bit on the inside while wanting to curl up in a ball and just sleep for the next day. i've never felt this tired...that could from combined lack of sleep and one too many drinks...god, this is crazy...i felt good last night, just comfortable with him. laughing...cheering on the team...then back at his place just laughing while we watched tv...feeling comfortable enough to just fall asleep inside his arms...wishing i could have stayed there and just called in sick to work...

now i wish there was some way to not feel like shit. maybe if i get some sleep...tried coffee, didn't help this time...maybe a drink would revive me...dunno...just falling asleep...


averagejane signing off...(what a crazy day...but i'm okay...just feelin like shit temporarily...feelin like a fuckin mess...)

i know better....

so why can't i say no? i thought i learned that from my last relationship...that i needed to be stronger and say no...well, this is a not so drastic situation where i really need to say no, but am finding myself not saying it. i like kissing him, that is the biggest problem. i know that i'll only break his heart again, yet here i go. i really need to stop this before it goes any farther...like just that he gets his hopes up and i just crush him. i need to just stop myself from being selfish and going for it cuz i like it rather than i really like him... i like talking to him as a friend...i'll talk to him tonight after we go to the movie...or before...i dunno...but i've got to talk to him tonight.... tell him that i can't break his heart again...cuz i know i will. i like flirting with him and the feel of his arms around me but it's not his arms that i like, it's just the feeling of someone's arms. or maybe it's his arms...ugh. to be honest i think it's just the feeling of someone's arms securely around me...

did i mention he quit drinking....he hasn't touched a drop in a month...that is totally amzing of him to be honest....i'm so proud of him. but yeah....

anyhoo...i'll talk to him tonight...

oh and i hate that i don't talk to r. anymore... i really should talk to him. i will on monday...

averagejane signing off...

happy single awareness day!

so since it's valentines day today, or among me and my sister- "happy single's awareness day", lol i decided to have a template on my blog that is valentiney...lol if that's even a word!! lol i'll probably keep it up for the rest of the week cuz i'll be too lazy to change it. and i kind of like it so it'll have to be on my blog for more than one day!! :D lol

but so happy single awareness day to all!! :D lol so hope you all have fun plans for tonight/today. me and my sis are gonna go see the new movie Step Up 2: The Streets lol i'm so excited cuz i love dance movies. my friend didn't really want to come with when we invited him cuz he complained it was just another dance movie with no plot...lol it might be but it's got some wicked dance moves and wicked dancing music!! :D lol that's what i really want to go see the movies for ! lol

but yeah life is good. okay with being single.

oh and so there is snow here. it snowed yesterday afternoon into last night...lol it was supposed to be a small storm, snow wouldn't stick for long. well on part of the state got about 2 feet at least...lol that's a good amount for a storm that was supposed to be small. lol but then here in the valley, we got about 6 in. in some places. lol but anyhoo, so i was on my morning break and i was walking outside and my friend was out there too. he's a guy i dated for a while. but then we were just talking and saying that me and my sis. were gonna go to a movie. and he said, what no valentine? lol i told him no, both of us are single...and okay with that. lol but so then we were just talking some more, and then he threw a snowball at me. so i decided to retaliate. lol i was about 4 ft away and missed!! lol it was terrible so i grabbed more snow and threw again and hit this time. lol but we just had a lazy snoball fight...lol it was fun. then i had to head back and i said, not that this hasn't been fun but i gotta get back. then i headed through the fertilizer room and back to the main warehouse. and next thing i know there is a snowball hitting the ground. lol i turned around and then there was another one. lol it didn't break up when it hit the ground so i took it and threw it at him. i would have hit him if he hadn't ducked...lol but then i hurried forward and got some snow and then as he came around the corner with a snowball, i was prepared. lol we threw at each other, i hit him, he barely got my shoulder when i tried to dodge it. lol but it was fun@! i love that i'm able to joke and such with him again. but yeah today is going good.

so i need to call the DMV for my driving record cuz of a ticket i got about 6 months ago.. and i have to make a call to civil courts. the second call is for...let's just say...detective work for me. lol it should be interesting. anyhoo...g2g get back to work...

averagejane signing off...

changed plans

so plans have been changed and i'm not able to make it up to the sundance film festival...and i was really actually looking forward to that. but it's kind of my own stupid fault i'm not gonna be able to go. oh well, i'm determined not to let it get me down! i'm not gonna sink down to that cuz i'm determined to just stay happy and be okay. anyhoo....

but, i miss him. a lot. i see him and he smiles at me. i smile at him...god i miss him. wish i could talk to him...like normal. wish i could just fold his arms around me and be safe in his embrace... but i can't. not yet at least....


average jane signing off.

i get to go to a sundance film!!

hello all! :D so here i am two days in a row! ! wow i know. but i jsut had to let you all know that i'm going to go to a sundance film at the film festival!!! i've never been and my friend tyler wanted to know if i could go with him! (cuz he says its really no fun going alone) lol but i'm glad he asked me! he's a fun friend to be with and i'm ecstatic to go! oh and i'm getting off work to go. luckily i have this really nice lady named shawna that is always willing to cover for me. but i just don't try to take her kindness forgranted cuz i make sure to ask only when i really need it. but it's all good!! :D cuz i haven't had her cover for me in a few months so i'm good!! :D

lol so the movie i'm going to see is called sunshine cleaning. my friend saw it twice already and loved it. i just went on imdb.com to look at the movie and it actually sounds intriguing! lol but i'm stoked to see it. oh and it has amy adams, one of my new fav. actresses, in it!! :D lol she was amzing in enchanted. i can't wait to see how she is in this movie. it's a different role from enchanted entirely. but yeah!!

that's my babble for now! :D

averagejane signing off!

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

so the thing i thought wouldn't happen, at least for a year or so, happened. somehow my mom knows what happened between me and him...she confronted me about it this morning...and i have to admit it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. but it still was like i thought it would be in some part. she's disappointed in me. but that i can handle. i'm used to ppl being disappointed in me. i just learn to brush it off and move on with life, living the best that i can. she wanted to know if i wanted to rectify it all with god and church.(as much as i say i believe in god now, i still wonder...to be honest) those reading this who are lds and know that situation, know what all that entails. i told her no, i didn't want to. because a part of me is still trying to pull myself together, not crying at night wondering if he's okay. wondering if i'm okay. a part of me still wants to be with him. but it takes most of what i have to remind myself why i broke it off. why i can't do this. and it takes most my resolve to just wake up each morning determined to be okay. to make sure i don't let things get me down. to prove to myself that i'm okay. to prove to myself i'm worth jsut starting again and finding my way through life. cuz i have things i need to do...i know i say this a lot. but i have to stay away from relationships to focus on my goals. i mean i still flirt and will date. but, i won't let my heart get involved in them. i won't let anyone get that close. i've got plans and i'm not deterring from them anymore. this is why i'm really making an effort in my classes this semester and keeping on top of things. i have things that won't go anywhere if i don't get through college. but mostly i have to prove that i can get through college. that i am mature enough to be in the "real world". somedays i seriously wonder though...but i'm making it work. i'm slowly growing up. but yeah...

now don't take the above as i'm not okay. i really am working towards it. i don't mean to bitch and try to say my life is hard. well, it is some days. but that's mostly from my decisions. but i wouldn't take back anything. it's making me a stronger person. he asked me if i regretted him. i told him. i may regret what i let myself do with him...but i'll never regret him. never. he is a part of my life...a part that helped me learn more about myself and put me on the path to making me stronger. i will never regret him. i'm stronger now.

average jane signing off...

life is great

wow! so yeah life is going great to be honest! i miss him every day...which in itself is funny cuz i see him 5 days a week still. but i'm learning to cope and be okay and get where i'm going in this life. i have this new fav. quote. it comes from the movie, "p.s. i love you." it's something along the lines of "getting through this life we have...realizing that none of us get out alive." it just made me realize, when i heard it, even more than i already realized it, we don't get out of this life alive. we all are eventually gonna die. i mean, wow, it really just hit me when the character, holly, said it at the end of the movie. lilke it was just so blunt and yet so beautifully said. i'll have to see the movie again and write down the line exactly so you all can get what i mean! but yeah...

add: oh so i totally found the quote i mentioned above, online!!! how lucky is that! lol but here it is...feel free to comment on it. cuz it made me really think!

"This is my one and only life, and it is a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive." (said by Holly, the character played by Hilary Swank.)

so tonight i'm gonna go see a movie called 27 dresses with my sister. i've been waiting for at least a month for it to come out and i can't wait to see it!! :D lol for those of you who don't know the story line, here's a short summary of it. there is this girl, who has been a bridesmaid 27 times, for jsut all of her friends and such. she is in love with a guy she works with ( the guy may be her boss, but i'm not sure! ). one night she is at a club, with her friend and the guy she is in love with is there too...not sure why or if it's just coincedence. but her friend tells her she has to go and tell him how she feels. but who should come up just as she does to this guy? her sister. and the girl introduces them both, they fall in love and then over like the next few weeks get engaged. so the girl's name is jane, btw...but jane plans her sisters wedding. but a little twist to this story even more, is that at the last wedding/reception jane was at, she met this oober cute guy played by james marsden. anyhoo, so in this all , the two of them become friends and he helps her realize that maybe it's time for her to find her happy ending!! this results in a good quote in the movie that goes as follows, (said by actor James Marsden) "you'd rather focus on other people's kodak moments, rather than make memories of your own." so it's really motivating to me to get out and live my life and make my own "kodak moments." lol but life is really just good. like a few times today i had thoughts that threatened to really dampen my mood. like thoughts of him, and wondering if he's okay. but i told myself it didn't help any to get all down on myself or anything. i can just reasonably worry that he's okay, without it really pulling me down. and i've done well today at keepin my mood up!! it does help that i have a flirt buddy...lol his name is ron. and he's cute! anyhoo...but also, i've been doing a little stretching of my legs on my breaks. it's really cool!! and easy to do.

lol so that's my life. been busy with school and work and just life in general but all is just fantastic!! ;) average jane signing off!

ps. i think it helps that i have my hair in pigtails. cuz they are such a fun hairdo to have and they make you feel like a little kid sometimes! :D

missing him

wow... so first let me say this is my two hundreth post!! lol

but, why does it have to be so damn hard? you know deep inside that it really is the best, at least for now. but why does he have to look so perfect? be so perfect? i mean, what guy do you know that just randomly cooks when he is bored? then comes and shares it with the ppl at work? god, he just looks so perfect. you can't help that you love him, but it's just not meant to be right now... and you have to stop yourself from calling him or texting...can't stir up his feelings or yours...sometimes you cry yourself to sleep...then a new day comes, think you've got it under control, then you come to work say hi, he smiles and you melt and want to just take it all back. just be with him...god you miss him!

well, life moves on and in a few years you don't know what could happen...maybe then you will get a second chance and it will be right this time...

average jane signing off

just a cycle

days come and go...weeks pass slowly, and you find yourself starting a new routine...spend work wishing to be with that special someone...desperately needing a look to tell you they feel the same way...wanting just one moment alone with them...while at the same moment you look at them and remember the past few days and just become confused...torn between emotions...whether you give into your feelings or pull back from the hurt...do you just let it all go on, just all in the game of love...do you listen to your head telling you let go, back off, or do you listen to your heart telling you love is worth it all...what really matters anymore...

spend the days going from work to school...call him up, talk about school...be with him for hours...miss one day without him...your life is off...go to bed, think about him, dream about him...come to work...all just a misunderstanding...thought you didn't care to call...simple mistake, all is okay. or so it seems...for who really knows...find yourself wanting to just spend all your time with that special someone...your parents make comments as to their opinion...get the hint and move on to just being in the background...looking at you with that look in their eyes... the one thats shows disappointment, concern pity...look away, can't bear to see it...don't want to see the hurt, making it seem personal...put up the mask, don't look...just pass the days making polite...

good days...bad days...what do ppl around you really see...do they see the bad, or just simply wish it away cuz they can't handle it...do they even see the pain until it's glaring in their face...they show concern...act they care...why now...think they can help...you don't see them much during normal days...days with no drama, no hurt, just life...but why do they make things worse than they really are...why offer help when you say don't bother...what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...helps you learn to lean on that one person that really cares...that one you want to spend your life with...but then you come back to that circle of doubt and joy once again...

seems you're stuck in a neverending cycle...even though looking back it's only been a month or few...you can't seem to find where it really began...cant seem to find an end...or can you not see the ned because you fear it...don't know who you are anymore or who you've become...finding yourself and your worth in that one person...wanting to break free from the hurt...but fear losing the true happiness you have felt with them...lost, stuck in a web, can't figure it all out...

the day comes to a close once again...you lay and wonder why...just why...why does he love you? why you? why did it all have to be this way...

averagejane gone for now...

stuck, unable to move

how can something that is supposed to feel so good, so right...just feel so wrong? it boggles my mind. something that is an expression of feelings, that just makes you want to cry...in sadness and heartbreaking emotions... not tears of joy. just crying into your pillow...not letting anyone else see...don't want to appear fragile...yet you still come back to the source of your sadness...time and time again...because while the source brings sadness, it also brings joy, and feelings of love...the question is, is that enough? to be so happy with the source of most of your sadness, that you overlook the sadness, and just focus on how happy you are half the time...sometimes you just don't know...

another question...what is it that makes a strong, high-willed person lose their resolve, their audacity to speak their mind? how is it that someone has no trouble saying no to most, then when it comes to one special person in their life, the one who should understand them the most, they can't say no, especially to something that causes them pain and heartache? ...why can't they be strong...why? sometimes i guess you can just see that nobody can be superman all the time...

you sit there, just being with your best friend, your soul mate. just looking at them...and you see the love, the emotion in their eyes...and you can just feel their happiness...just being with you. and you feel the same way...and wonder how to express it...then something innocent turns into something more complicated...requires more than just a yes or no answer... and you just don't know how to answer...then it seems you answer against your will, and you're not sure of how you answered...then they ask something of you you're not sure you can give...and you find yourself giving it...you're disgusted with yourself...yet find yourself just wanting to please them...how have you fallen to this low that you can't say no...and you look at yourself and just cringe...you sigh, try to scrub it all away, rinse it all away...thinking maybe that will change it...and find nothing changed...you just curl up and cry. you wonder again how it all got this way, how one moment, one night can cause a world of change...........then you look up again out of your emotional reverie at your best friend, the one person you want to be with forever and always...and you just smile at the look on their face...the look that says they can't imagine anyplace they would rather be...and you melt and just want to stay forever in their embrace. and the circle is begun again...you wonder where you're going and if you'll have the strength to break the circle...or if you even want to...

everyday for a week, you'll hear flak from your parents about keeping to your dreams...dont' forget who you are...and you wonder ironically, how can you forget dreams you don't even know about any more? how can you forget who you are, when you never were sure who you were in the first place...simple ironies that make you grimace and cringe...just reminders that you are so far gone...beyond worry now...the looks you get from parents, friends...just a constant reminder that you disappoint them, time and time again...never able to do anything right...they nag, they prod...using the excuse they only want the best from you...only want to you to be all you can be...they just don't get you'll never be like them...don't see how hard you try to not be like them...don't want their life...you couldn't be them no matter how hard they may like it to be that way...pushing them further away...knowing that you disappoint them anyway, why not go all the way...push them so far away they really don't care anymore, don't have to see the hurt on their faces...the disappointed grimace...you just push farther and farther away...receding into yourself...whatever there is of you anyways...

on the outside, it appears life is just fine and dandy...no one even guesses the constant struggle day to day...no one sees the hurt...no one sees the pain...no one hears the sobs coming painfully from your very soul...so one knows the thoughts of despair...and you just continue on in the game...continue the cycle of pain and happiness... thinking you should end it, but then not sure if it's worth it...if you're worth it... you hope that one person you care the world for, can see beyond your mask...then when they do, you desperately wish that you could open up to the one person who really cares...tell them your doubts, your fears, your pains and how they make you feel low some days...they already hear your joys, but you hide your pains...can't bring yourself to tell them how things they do cause you pain, how you fear relationships with a passion, but want so much to be with them...yet your fears, irrational ones, push you away...but you can't tell them..for it's these same fears, these fears of really opening up to one person, that keep you from being true to yourself...you fear you'll just scare them, push them away with your feelings and thoughts...and by pulling away and closing in on yourself, you end up doing the one thing you fear...you push them away, make them think you don't want to be with them...that you don't care enough to tell them how you really feel...and you start again, hoping this time things will be different. they start different, but really just end the same...wishing you could get off this one track...try a new one...but somehow you can't...

so pretty much...you find yourself stuck...unable to help yourself...too proud, maybe just scared, maybe just not wanting, to ask for help...think maybe you're in this for a reason...and you just go to sleep, wishing for just a moments reprieve from your thoughts...thoughts threatening to weigh you down, pull you farther into this abyss you call life...

average jane signing off...

is he really the one?

one time i was just talking with my sister about guys and just whatever about them...she said something that really stuck with me. she said one thing that stood out to her as when she knew this one guy might be the one...someone special she should get to know better...was that jsut being around him was comfortable. that it felt like she had come home.

just recently i was hanging with a bunch of friends and we were playing video games. i had not played one of them before and my guy friend helped me figure out what i was to do. and he put his hand around mine and showed me what to do. it was brief, but for that brief time, it was just as if it felt comfortable and made me feel something. i don't really know how to describe it. but it made me wonder, am i right to be with this other guy, when i just get this feeling with a good guy friend of mine? am i ready to just give me heart to this other guy, when i'm not sure as to exactly how i feel? and you know...i don't think i am. but yeah i just got to thinking. and maybe this is just a sign that i need to step back and look at my life, where i'm headed, what goals i have and what plans i have to fulfill... but yeah..

averagejane signing off...

crazy weekend

so i just have to say this has been a crazy weekend... and now into the middle of the week. events happened friday, that broke my heart. but i just don't know what to think really. i love this guy, but, i've been talking to him and i don't think he was lying like i thought he might have been. but, today or tomorrow, i should know for sure. yesterday i'll admit that i was all ready to try and leave it in the past and just move on, no matter how hard that would be. cuz this guy is the first and only one i've truly loved. but now i'm thinking i just jumped to conclusions... i do tend to do that. i kind of have a fear of confrontation, so i don't tend to go ask the person what the situation is. anyhoo... well, now i think it's halfway resolved. but there is hurt feelings on both sides, so it may take a while to really put it all back together...


and i know there are a few of you out there that really just want to slap me right now cuz you think i'm just settin myself up to be hurt again. but don't worry about me. i'm okay. and i'm gonna be careful, it was just a misunderstanding.

anyhoo, average jane signing off...

why? hm...

why is it that we just love to torture ourselves? honestly! i've been reading over old blog posts of mine and a friend. i just read them over several times. each time i read them, the old feelings i felt at that time of my life, resurfaced just about as depressing as ever. now i sit here in a funk. god i'm just stupid. anyhoo...but also, i really just wish i could spend more time with my special someone. he tells me that he is falling in love with me. and i admit that i love him, like i never thought i possible. i usually shy away when things get to the whole " i love you" stage. that's what happened with my first and really only official boyfriend. i just freaked when it came to the serious feelings and dating just him. i realized that i would look around me and just say hmm... i think it would be fun to go out with that cute guy. and so i freaked and broke it off....then my second really serious relationship...that went on for a month. that was really long for me. but then, there is this guy now. robert. yes...you have heard abt. him before. our relationship has been developing since about june/july. at first there was crap goin on and i really didn't know whether i could trust him. but then things developed about a month or two ago. i had feelings for him from the beginning. and no matter what he did, they seemed to just keep developing. one day i felt as if things were cool and i could trust him, the next i was let down. this seriously went on for a few months. but let me just tell you, i really can't hold grudges for too long, especially against guys. unless of course you really are disrespectful all the time and out right rude. but if you do something, it's mostly forgotten in at most a few days....anyhoo, but so then it started with a kiss...at first i just kind of blew him off after i let him kiss me a few days. but then, i just kind of let it all go, as i was rather just trying to protect myself from any possible hurt rather than i was mad at him. but then, it all just began to develop as i talked with him and we became great friends. i could talk to him about anything and have a serious deep conversation, yet at the same time, i could have a crazy discussion about music, or food or other such stuff. and i loved it. and i felt myself falling...hard. with each kiss i melted in his arms, each embrace i felt safe, secure, and just plain happy. which is saying a lot for my seriously bi-polar life. lol but i think about him almost all the day long, i just want to be near him, see him, and talk to him. for a few days i totally let myself become so distracted by my thoughts of him it was hard to work. but i found a good in between eventually. and now here i am totally in love with him. wow it's the greatest feeling.

the greatest thing about him though, is that he made a promised to me about two months back that he would tell me the truth in anything. and so far he has kept that promise. i really love that he has made such an effort to never lie to me. he kind of told me a few lies in the past. he says that he owes it to me to prove that he loves me and that he is being honest in everything. i love it.....

well work is almost over so i'll finish what i want to say later.

average jane signing off...

i love him

so yeah here i am again...life is...hmm... life is just....life. it's okay, not bad, but not fantastic. just here. just existing. but yeah...is it normal to think of just one guy...so much that when you pass other guys on the street, cute ones, that you don't really thing of anyone but that one guy. seriously. i think of him all the time, love to be around him.

........................................................................................................................................


well, so this is like half a day later. so that special someone came to work a bit late cuz he went to some performance thing of his daughter's. but he walked in, and my knees just about gave out...he looked so....amazing. he normally i think is very hot. but he just was all spiffed up in a nice shirt, jeans, nice shoes, a cool leather jacket, and his hair had been cut. wow! is the only way i could describe my reaction. then he came over to my desk to say hi. and of course he had to smell incredible! lol... just wow. then even when he got on his work shirt and such, he still looked amazing. maybe i'm just biased cuz i love him. lol :D but i dont' care. he's just so incredible. i can't believe that he loves me. i can't believe how lucky i am....lol

well, i gotta go actually get some work done...

average jane signing off...

my heart is saying yes...

so...here's the deal. i did something a few weeks ago that i know was wrong, but felt so right...and the thing is, i want to do it again. but my mind is telling me no. my heart, well, i've allowed my emotions to get tied up in this...and nothing can happen right now... and if something did happen, i'd want it to be when both of us are unnattached. that it would happen cuz we both want it. no obligations or guilt trips... that's no way to live life... and yet i want something to happen right now. but it can't.. and i hate myself for wanting it to happen. cuz i think i'm falling fast and hard...in love maybe... cuz there has to be a physical and a mental attraction. wanting to be with someone for reasons beyond the physical part of a relationship. loving them for their mind and honesty. and i've found that...god i'm screwed up but here goes. i would live life wondering always, "what if..."

average jane signing off...