stir crazy...missin ppl

so i've been crazy busy today. i actually made myself get up at 7:30 ish, when my body woke me up. crazy i know. and then i just set to cleaning my room. lol got that done, organized my books, and then set about to actually vacuuming my room. crazy isn't it. i haven't vacuumed it in several weeks and god knows it needed it. not that it was disgustin or anything, just in need of sucking up little crumbs and bits of paper and dirt and such. it was actually nice to feel like i had cleaned all that. the next task i set out to tackle was to wash my flip flops. gross...lol but i wanted to wear them so it needed to be done. so i went to go wash them in the tub and was pulling back the shower curtain, when some of the grime on the shower curtain got on my hands...ICK!!!!! yah that was the motivation to finally take that down and wash it. now i couldn't throw both pieces of the curtain into the washer, unfortunately. no i had to take the plastic liner and hand wash it! lol i know heaven forbid i do things like hand washing something! lol so i took it out on the deck and set about tryin to blast off the more grosser parts with my handy hose...lol then i got a scrubber brush and some ajax cleaner. took me a while, but i finally finished it. lol then there was the matter of rinsing off all the cleaner stuff. cuz the water jsut kind of pooled on the curtain...kind of reminded me of a slip 'n slide. lol i was ready to get out a tarp and make a slip n slide! lol but yah... so then i ingeniously hung the curtain from my roof, like the overhanging part, and sprayed it down and let it dry.

lol while it dried i decided to go shoppin for some other things. went to albertson's for some frisby pizzas, went to walmart for a scrubber, went to party city for sparkler candles, then to zurchers for some friendship bracelets. lol found the coolest thing there too!~! lol i found chinese jump ropes!!! i totally was stoked to see those~!! i havent' had one since elementary and i was in fact talking with my family about them the other day and i commented on how i couldn't find them anymore, wasn't even sure they sold them anymore. so i was overzealous and bought four of them! lol they were only like a buck a piece! lol so then i came home and had lunch...then napped. i was pretty worn out. just as i was laying down to nap though, got a text from jay...lol told me how he had fun horseback riding...lol i want to ride a horse someday...lol sure i will!

so then i got up about 4:30 and finished off my pizza for dinner. then i went about getting my shower curtain back up, cleaned more of my bathroom, then finally tackled cleaning my flip flops. i decided to be smart about it and just tackle half of them, seeing as i'm not sure i would have the patience to tackle them all. lol i have like 15 or so pairs i think. i need a few new ones cuz some are looking a bit ragged...lol anyhoo..

so then i just kind of started texting ppl while i was cleaning my flip flops...i kind of was starting to go stir crazy in my house...needing to get out...i first texted my boyfriend...took him a bit to answer...lol he was headed back from riding horses....lol he must be tired. i was missing him though. its crazy cuz i just saw him the night before. but i just was missing him . and i hate texting him much though, cuz i don't know why, but i just sometimes get the feeling that maybe he is just sick of me, or doesn't really wanna talk to me. i don't think this is really the case, but this feeling comes from the impersonal feeling of texting someone. like you can't get their tone of voice from a text, or their facial expression or anything...and i just worry too much.

so when i didnt' hear from my boyfriend at first, i texted my friend, ty, to see what was up with him. he didnt text back....so i texted my sister rachel. she texted back first...so i chatted with her. and we ended up setting up plans to go to a movie tonight... i need to get outta my house. i think i'll go crazy otherwise. cuz i'm just sick of being here. and i am missing jay...lol i need to get my mind on something else. i am crazy...

lol well...so today went okay... but i gotta go now, gonna meet my sista for a movie...

laters....

lure of the dark side

so...i can honestly say i'm the happiest i have ever been. my life is almost perfect. i say almost cuz there are still hard days at work (lol) and still waiting for "someday" to come. (sorry no more explanation on that...) but i'm patient..sometimes. right now is one of those times.

just got in about a half hour ago from being with jay...lol i'm devilish...lol nevermind. but, i was high on cloud nine, then i heard a snippet of a song i absolutely love. however, it also has connection to my life before...before jay, before i realized where my life was headed. and i guess a part of me still thinks that maybe part of where i was headed wasn't too bad. i guess a part of me is still drawn to the dark and dismal. still wanting to just lose myself in it. the song that i heard part of is called "bring me to life" by evanescence. for those of you not familiar with it. let me paste in the lyrics here... of course it's better with music.

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to lifeI've been living a lieThere's nothing inside
Bring me to life

you know...just posting the lyrics i've also gained some more insight into the song. it's dark and dismal...yet, it's talking about love. like this girl feels like she is dying without her love near. she feels as nothing without him...kind of depressing love...but still...anyhoo...

so this song really was my song for a while, or at least i felt it is. at points in my life, i felt as if i was pretty much nothing...that i really was just a disappointment to my parents. that i wasn't the daughter they had wanted. for some reason that hurt, and my way of dealing with it was to just be a bigger disappointment. to just go do something else stupid. whether they knew i did it or not. staying out at a guy's place til 3 am once...stupid, but then i also felt my parents didn't notice or care, so i kept doing it. led to things i didn't want. things that i'm now strong enough to do something about, instead of being a coward and saying nothing.

i am a different person than i was a year ago. some better, some stronger....some parts a bit worse. some worse for the wear. however, this is me. i better get used to it. i have some amzing things that have come to me. some amzing ppl. ones i hope to never to have to find how i'll live without them

i also find it amzing to think about the dark side...how alluring it is. what is it about the dark things that lure us in? get us caught in a tangled web. one so crazy sometimes we wonder if we will ever get out. one so appealing that we wonder if we really want to leave, ever want to escape. i know that many times in my life i've gotten hooked into it. not really wantin to leave. still do some days. then something comes outta nowhere and pulls me out. usually it's jay. i somehow get into a funk, then i'll see him. he'll pull a goofy grin and i just can't help but pull outta that dark place i was in. and half the time, or more, i don't think he knows i was in that dark place of mine. he thinks i just look serious all the time...oh well, he knows now. it's crazy though. just how easy it is to fall, how easy it is to just not want to get up, to just stay there forever....

a song just popped to mind. when i told a friend just today, how serious things were between me and my boyfriend, he asked me, "can you see yourself with anyone else?" and i told him right off...."no. i can't". and he asked me..." are you sure? cuz that is very important" and i thought i was sure of myself, yet for some reason, just his "are you sure" sent my mind a flurry. like i had stated my answer at first with no hesitation....but then the logical part of my mind kicked in. i've only known this guy really and truly a month and a half...is that well enough to decide if i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him? and hence the song that popped in my head. it's from cinderella. pretty much this is how it goes, " do i want want you because you're beautiful? or are you beautiful because i want you? ....do i want you because you're wonderful? or are you wonderful because i want you? are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream? or are you really as wonderful as you seem" yeah...kind of pretty well describes my thoughts... do i want to be with him, cuz i just want to be with someone...or do i want him because i love him, because i care for him most in this whole world. and you know....i love him...i know that with all of my heart. i just worry and such over the most silly things. i think over things too much...one of my faults...i let my head take over when i need to listen to my heart.

but i bet you all can just guess now from seeing my style of writing, what time of day i write each post. you'll find my more thought provoking, deep, dark, dismal posts i post later at night. it's when my mind truly comes alive. the funny, cute, just crazy posts, more often than not come during the day. lol

well i really should sleep....laters...happy fourth of july
averagejanesigningoff....

lots to think about

so this has beena most interesting day at work. by interesting, i don't necessarily mean a good interesting...it began with me being told that cindy, our purchasing agent is no longer with us....meaning she was fired. i was shocked! this is so sudden...she was just into work yesterday and when she left work, i would not have guessed i would not see here again. even to come clean out her office. but now she is gone and i wished i had told her how much i really did like her. but yah...it's made me think a lot today. kind of made me a little worried about my job and think of what a friend of mine, who was fired from here about 7 or 8 months ago, told me. he said to watch my back and just be prepared in case i ever had to really worry about my job. and now ....i dunno...just a bit worried, while at the same time okay... cuz i know i am doing okay...trying to do the best i can in my position...

then another person was also just fired today. dustin, a guy in the warehouse. and then i look at all those fired in the past month or so. robert, derek, dustin, cindy. and it's weird. this is the most ppl we have ever fired like this. like i mean we have fired maybe 2 or 3 warehouse guys the whole time i've been here. then, now we have fired 3 in a month and also a higher up person. it's just like wow... makes me really look at how i am doing in my job and just trying to keep doing the best i can.

anyhoo...not so depressing! this is a really good day! i am in a fantastic mood and not falling asleep! lol well gotta go...lol laters!

averagejane signing off! :D

hm....

so i told jay i wouldn't stay up too late...in fact he made sure i was home so i could get some sleep. and i promise i will but not until i update. i'm in a blogging mood...lol but this won't be a long one.

every night it is getting harder and harder to say goodbye. i know that it's only for a day...but still. i want to be with him every moment! lol i know....crazy huh...Amy this crazy over a guy. didn't think it was possible. i've already passed the point in relationship where i would have normally gotten bored. i would have broken up with him a week or two ago if this was any normal relationship...but it's not. it's a million times better, more real. it's the real thing...can't think of any other way to put it. this is the kind of relationship that will last. the kind that makes you actually okay with growing old, cuz you know that you will have someone to grow old with. someone who will love you no matter what. someone that you will love no matter what. someone who can never get enough of you...that just seeing them, being in their arms is all that matters. life is complete when they are around. sure you are still your own person with your own ideas, your own dreams. but, when you are with them, it's like that missing piece you have been searching for, is suddenly there and you see the whole picture...see what this life is all about. see what love truly means.

over the past few weeks i've been stumbling across some quotes about love. some i've used in my IM screen name. some have been in jay's. however my two fav. are below

"When you are in Love, you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams." ~Dr. Suess

"Love isn't something that you find. Love is something that finds you." ~Loretta Young

but ya...it's crazy...i always told myself i have too many dreams to let a guy get in the way of them. i have too many places to travel to. just gonna forget about romance. then, along came jay. to be honest, i really was like oh he's jsut a friend, someone to have some fun times with. and now that it's gotten so serious between us, i kind of look back on that "2nd date" (lol) and just laugh... but also to be honest. how i feel scares me. and i guess i'm still a bit scared to let go completely and let my heart lead, cuz another part of me still looks at all the dreams i have and doubt. it's hard. way hard....but, a thought came to mind. there is some movie where the mom is telling her kids about the dreams dad gave up to marry and have a family. so i guess it goes both ways, in giving up dreams, or at least packing them away. but, my heart is winning still, no matter. i love jay and i would give up most anything to be with him. i guess this is also about growing up. realizing that sometimes you have to put away some dreams, at least for now, for better things to come. and maybe your dreams will change...i know mine have a bit in part...like i used to just say i would travel the world alone. because i had my own agenda, no one else would want to do what i wanted. but now i want to share that with jay. i mean i still want to have my own adventures and travels...but i want to share most of them with jay...

well, now that i've admitted that i'm scared and such...i'll close this entry.

i shout this out into cyberspace first. Jay Shepherd, I love you with all of my heart. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

averagejane signing off!

shouting from the rooftops...sorta!! :D

okay...so i know that i should be getting to bed but i had to blog at least one part of tonight...lol i love being with Jay. i do crazy stuff you read about in books, but never think you'll actually do. but you all have probably heard, or read of, in books or through friends, of the whole being so in love, you want to shout it from the roof tops! lol well, we didn't exactly shout it from the rooftops...lol we were up in millcreek canyon and as we were just about down from the hike, to the start of the trail, jay stops and says "i've always wanted to do this!" lol so then he shouts at the top of his lungs, "I'M IN LOVE!!!!!" it was about 10ish pm. lol there were i think two hikers still a bit behind us...lol so then, totally acting on impulse, on a giddy feeling, i yelled at the top of my lungs, "I LOVE JAY SHEPHERD!!!" lol it was so funny~ i totally laughed and was like i can't believe i did that... but it was so cute, and then jay said do you know any good rooftops? lol that was funny. but one of the most memorable parts of the night... of course anytime i am with jay, it is always memorable...always the best! lol

had a good discussion on the trail about fate and destiny...lol talked about our "later boxes" lol totally between us...lol i hope i never lose him! cuz i never want to let go...never thought it was possible to love someone so much, to want that happily ever after forever. now i've found it, and let me jsut say it's better than all those fairytales...by 100% lol :D

sending all my love to jay...
averagejane signing off...

life is crazy!

so here i am sitting at work falling asleep. so why not try to stay awake by updating about the fun this past weekend! lol JK.

well, let's see...i wrote friday so i'll begin with saturday. saturday was quite the adventure! it was crazy, fun and tiring. the day began at 8:20 am...lol i was awoken to a text from my boyfriend, jay. he he. it was funny cuz usually i am already awake. but it was just funny. :D so then i got outta bed and got to cleaning house! lol that's kind of one of the stipulations of saturday. jobs are a requirement to be done before going out with friends. the jobs are easy though, like clean the kitchen and do dishes. and clean front room and the bathroom. :D but yah got those done with no problem. then around 1:30ish i went geocaching with jay, and we brought my parents along with us!! lol it was fun actually. we originally had just planned on bringing my dad, but then jay said to invite anyone that wanted to come. so it ended being me and jay, & my mom and dad. lol at first it was a little odd...lol but it was really entertaining to watch my dad get so excited about using the GPS...lol then just about as entertaining was to watch my mom get all confused and worried about using the gps and not sure as to what direction it was telling us...lol jay totally took it all in stride...

------------------------------------------------

okay so back a day later to finish this...lol didn't have as much time as i thought yesterday :D so here goes...

well, left off at our geocachin adventure :D well, the really fun part, (not) he he, was when we had to go into this totally mosquito infested spot...lol i think i totally got like 10-20 bites just from there, and that is the most i've had in like a year or two...lol maybe more..but ya..we all survived! i was the only one dumb enough to wear shorts! he he. that's where i got most of my bites. so yah. then we got finished with them all by about 4:30 or 5 pm. fun stuff...then i had a break to go home, clean up, have dinner, and then get all purdied up for my cousin's wedding reception. jay was invited to come along and i got to see him all spiffed up again! lol he was totally wanting to match my outfit, so he was disappointed when i told him i would be wearing a pink dress, cuz he had no tie or shirt that really went with that....( of course he was thinking light pink...lol)
but so me and jay drove up to the reception separate from my family, cuz we had plans to go elsewhere after. so we got there actually a bit before they did, we even were early to the reception cuz we were to help with the refreshments. lol i felt bad at first cuz i was enlisting jay's help like that, but he assured me he was totally okay with it. in fact, he told me that even if he had been asked simply as a normal guest, he would probably have been asking how he could help...lol that's just jay for ya! :) but yah, so me and him ended up manning the water table and making sure all the guests had water to go with the dessert. lol the dessert was funny, to me. my cousin just wanted ice cream sandwiches with chocolate sauce drizzled over it, then with chocolate strawberries on the side. it actually turned out looking kind of cool. lol liked the strawberries. then what was funny is that there was a table with candy in jars, and there were spoons to dish it all out and help yourself! lol loved that table. they had mini gummy bears and me and jay munched on those. lol but overall, it was really cool.

oh! and finally like just before the whole thing ended, my cousin threw the bouquet!! lol i was joking with jay about catchin it...lol then his comment to me, " if you catch the bouquet, so help me..." really made me go out there to catch it. lol i even had to lean over the little girlie's heads to get it. lol but no one got hurt! lol so then after i caught it, i turned and looked at jay and he was shaking his head, kind of blushing and laughing...lol he kind of ducked out of sight for a bit. lol it was great to see his reaction! lol made me really laugh. found out afterwards that my mom actually looked his way and gave him a look as i caught it. lol then we convinced him to go out and catch the garter...there were three single guys there...lol my other cousin actually ended up gettin the garter . lol jay didn't try. he he. i think we embarrassed him lol. but it's all good. my aunt of the cousin whose reception it was, she said to me and jay, "you only have to catch one for it to work" meaning since i had caught the bouquet, we still could get married...lol gotta love family!! :D lol oh and i had one cousin askin my sister how she felt about me almost gettin married. lol it's funny what ppl assume he he...no matter. so that was the reception. me and jay left shortly after that.
so then, we were supposed to go to tyler's place so jay could look at his computer...and watch the first star trek, but tyler had to cancel last minute. so jay called up mel. and within the next half hour we were at her place, and ready to begin introducing me to star trek..lol ( the new star trek movie comes out in may, supposed to have been christmas this year, so jay told me i have to be completely up to date by then, cuz we are going to the midnight showing of it...lol ....in costume! he he) anyhoo. i got to be all comfortable and cuddle with jay! :D total bonus! lol i have to admit though...i was sorta fallin asleep during the movie...lol partly my own fault cuz i was tired... but it was a little hard to get into the movie. (sorry jay! ;D lol) but yah so then went home, got home by about 1 am...

hmm...sunday..that was the interesting day. i had an appt with my bishop for 4:15, that almost conflicted with jays plans so he couldn't be with me for my appt...but i was glad he was there to just see the face of the one i loved after that interesting ordeal. so the funny part is that jay showed up to my church and was waiting for when me when i got out. talk about a pleasant surprise. i wanted to just run up and hug him but i refrained..lol so then we jsut walked and talked for about an hour, then i had to go to my appt. Then i actually ended up waiting there for about a half hour or so more til i got to go in. but it went okay. i was glad to be able to come out to see jay sittin there. he is an amazing guy, more than i deserve. but i'm glad he's sticking around. :)

jay also ended up staying and listening to my lesson for FHE...lol it was on journals. it was one thing i could semi-teach about on short notice he he. then we just chatted a bit. and he had to get home. it was a good day. i love feeling that he will always be there for me. :)

then yesterday! lol what a fun day! i really had a great day. first off work went really good. not too busy for a monday. then i survived until closing time. about 4 pm though, i texted my friend elise who i had kind of neglected. i totally told her i would call her on thursday night and spaced it til the next day and then promptly forgot after remembering...i'm a terrible friend. but then i was all like what's up? and she kind of sent short texts back and i kind of got the idea she was mad at me. and i felt guilty. then she half joking said, you can stop by work and say hi! lol she works out in riverton while i'm in murray. nevertheless...i totally went to her work as soon as i got off and ended up spending about 40 min. there. i'm glad i did it cuz it gave us time to jsut chat and catch up a bit. i loved it. but then, i got a text from jay saying...what's new...lol i waited about 20 min til i texted him back cuz i was still with elise..lol but then i went home, beat jay home lol, and then we went over to tyler's place. jay looked at his laptop...while me and ty started on star trek 2...lol it is actually a good show. about halfway through the movie, jay was finished diagnosing ty's computer, so i went and got to cuddle next to him. :D yah...he he. so i was really comfortable and enjoyed the movie. enough to watch the 3rd one right after...lol as that movie went on we got more relaxed. soon we were laying on the couch watching the movie. talk about comfortable@! lol i kind of fell asleep for maybe 5 or 10 min...lol. but it was so comfortable in his arms, i feel i could have stayed there forever....:) anyhoo, eventually had to get home...lol but that was that night.

tonight...i got to go watch jay rehearse for his play. it's gonna be an interesting play...lol can't wait to see it all in costume and all the set...lol :D some parts of the play i laughed at cuz they reminded me of jay and me. lol jay knows what i mean...lol coolio stuff...it was funny. cuz i was kind of included some in the joking in between running the rehearsal. lol one bit made me blush profusely@!@ lol jay says it's cute...lol i'll take his word for it. oh the funny thing about blushing though, is when i do blush, you know it. i go beet red! like no in between blush...it's all the way. lol anyhoo...i enjoyed myself. but, then the fun of having to say goodbye. i have the hardest time. but tonight i told myself that i really needed rest. of course then i come hop on the net. lol but almost finished.. i need sleep. its just i need to say real quick here. i love jay, more than i thought i could ever love anyone. it's the purest, sweetest, most amazing feeling in the world. and i have it :) i smile just to hear his voice, to see his face. my knees go weak at his kisses and i can't seem to think straight. i stay up long hours, just to be with him. yah...i'm so far gone. and i couldn't be any happier. :)

good night...

averagejane signing off...

~no explanation~

wow! so i totally just have to blog about today! like it is one of the best days i've had at work in a long while. The day actually started out interesting cuz i was totally tired lol. It's totally my own fault, but i will definitely admit it! he he. anyhoo, so i was at work, determined not to drink a mountain dew, though i was craving the taste of it, along with knowing that the caffeine and sugar in it would wake me up and give me some extra energy. The reason i was determined not to drink it is because of a informal bet with my boyfriend, jay...lol He said i am addicted to caffeine and such. however i adamantly protest that i am not. i told him i would prove it to him by not having caffeine for a month. lol started out as just a week. anyhooo, i am getting sidetracked. so i broke down and bought one mtn. dew. mm....it tasted great! :D lol so about over the next hour or two, my energy was replenished...until i crash tonight...he he. anyhoo.

so then as the day progressed, because i was not feeling so tired, my mood definitely improved. i was feeling fantastic! i went home at lunch and was able to clean my room somewhat...he he. and i think just to be able to start to pull my room together gave me a sense of accomplishment. really helped just boost my mood even further. :D

then i headed back to work. and i was in the most fantabulous mood! it was like wow! amzing...he he. my mood just kept up and the day went by nicely. it slowed down for a while and it began to feel like it was a holiday weekend at work, where everybody is just heading out for the weekend so nobody was really coming in to buy stuff. it was really nice! and then my supervisor asked to see me at about 3:30ish. i got kind of nervous. i wondered what could have possibly warranted a trip up to her office. so i headed upstairs a bit nervous. i headed in and her first question was about an invoice that had my sales number on it. i explained what it was and that i hadn't written it. thank goodness i remembered that ticket!! he he. then she told me that it was time for the yearly evaluation. and she gave me a form to fill out and give back to her at a later meeting, once i was finished with it. then i happened to comment that i had wondered what now, kind of, when i heard she wanted to talk to me. then she said to me, you know you don't have to be afraid of me. and that's when i admitted that i was kind of scared of her. she just laughed and told me she could tell whenever she came down, by the look on my face. i told her that i was scared because of the rocky start i had gotten off to. and so then she said, with me, once we discuss something and resolve it, it's forgotten. so dont worry. and i said okay. and i left her office like 10 lbs. lighter. it was amzing! like i had gotten one of the best gifts in the world.

just now, i am realizing how my life is coming together in so many ways. and i have no explanation for it. it began with jay. and then continued on in three fold today. i dont' know how or why i have had all this happen to me. but i don't deserve it. though i am definitely trying to live to prove that i can one day feel i deserve it. funny thought came to mind about why everything was going right today. i had finally for sure made up my mind yesterday to talk to my bishop. and i asked jay to be there for me. partly for just support, a happy face when i get out of his office. partly to not let me back out. and he told me that he would so be there for me. and that was the best feeling in the world.

anyhoo. life is great! laters...

average jane signing off...