~no explanation~

wow! so i totally just have to blog about today! like it is one of the best days i've had at work in a long while. The day actually started out interesting cuz i was totally tired lol. It's totally my own fault, but i will definitely admit it! he he. anyhoo, so i was at work, determined not to drink a mountain dew, though i was craving the taste of it, along with knowing that the caffeine and sugar in it would wake me up and give me some extra energy. The reason i was determined not to drink it is because of a informal bet with my boyfriend, jay...lol He said i am addicted to caffeine and such. however i adamantly protest that i am not. i told him i would prove it to him by not having caffeine for a month. lol started out as just a week. anyhooo, i am getting sidetracked. so i broke down and bought one mtn. dew. mm....it tasted great! :D lol so about over the next hour or two, my energy was replenished...until i crash tonight...he he. anyhoo.

so then as the day progressed, because i was not feeling so tired, my mood definitely improved. i was feeling fantastic! i went home at lunch and was able to clean my room somewhat...he he. and i think just to be able to start to pull my room together gave me a sense of accomplishment. really helped just boost my mood even further. :D

then i headed back to work. and i was in the most fantabulous mood! it was like wow! amzing...he he. my mood just kept up and the day went by nicely. it slowed down for a while and it began to feel like it was a holiday weekend at work, where everybody is just heading out for the weekend so nobody was really coming in to buy stuff. it was really nice! and then my supervisor asked to see me at about 3:30ish. i got kind of nervous. i wondered what could have possibly warranted a trip up to her office. so i headed upstairs a bit nervous. i headed in and her first question was about an invoice that had my sales number on it. i explained what it was and that i hadn't written it. thank goodness i remembered that ticket!! he he. then she told me that it was time for the yearly evaluation. and she gave me a form to fill out and give back to her at a later meeting, once i was finished with it. then i happened to comment that i had wondered what now, kind of, when i heard she wanted to talk to me. then she said to me, you know you don't have to be afraid of me. and that's when i admitted that i was kind of scared of her. she just laughed and told me she could tell whenever she came down, by the look on my face. i told her that i was scared because of the rocky start i had gotten off to. and so then she said, with me, once we discuss something and resolve it, it's forgotten. so dont worry. and i said okay. and i left her office like 10 lbs. lighter. it was amzing! like i had gotten one of the best gifts in the world.

just now, i am realizing how my life is coming together in so many ways. and i have no explanation for it. it began with jay. and then continued on in three fold today. i dont' know how or why i have had all this happen to me. but i don't deserve it. though i am definitely trying to live to prove that i can one day feel i deserve it. funny thought came to mind about why everything was going right today. i had finally for sure made up my mind yesterday to talk to my bishop. and i asked jay to be there for me. partly for just support, a happy face when i get out of his office. partly to not let me back out. and he told me that he would so be there for me. and that was the best feeling in the world.

anyhoo. life is great! laters...

average jane signing off...

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

so the thing i thought wouldn't happen, at least for a year or so, happened. somehow my mom knows what happened between me and him...she confronted me about it this morning...and i have to admit it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. but it still was like i thought it would be in some part. she's disappointed in me. but that i can handle. i'm used to ppl being disappointed in me. i just learn to brush it off and move on with life, living the best that i can. she wanted to know if i wanted to rectify it all with god and church.(as much as i say i believe in god now, i still wonder...to be honest) those reading this who are lds and know that situation, know what all that entails. i told her no, i didn't want to. because a part of me is still trying to pull myself together, not crying at night wondering if he's okay. wondering if i'm okay. a part of me still wants to be with him. but it takes most of what i have to remind myself why i broke it off. why i can't do this. and it takes most my resolve to just wake up each morning determined to be okay. to make sure i don't let things get me down. to prove to myself that i'm okay. to prove to myself i'm worth jsut starting again and finding my way through life. cuz i have things i need to do...i know i say this a lot. but i have to stay away from relationships to focus on my goals. i mean i still flirt and will date. but, i won't let my heart get involved in them. i won't let anyone get that close. i've got plans and i'm not deterring from them anymore. this is why i'm really making an effort in my classes this semester and keeping on top of things. i have things that won't go anywhere if i don't get through college. but mostly i have to prove that i can get through college. that i am mature enough to be in the "real world". somedays i seriously wonder though...but i'm making it work. i'm slowly growing up. but yeah...

now don't take the above as i'm not okay. i really am working towards it. i don't mean to bitch and try to say my life is hard. well, it is some days. but that's mostly from my decisions. but i wouldn't take back anything. it's making me a stronger person. he asked me if i regretted him. i told him. i may regret what i let myself do with him...but i'll never regret him. never. he is a part of my life...a part that helped me learn more about myself and put me on the path to making me stronger. i will never regret him. i'm stronger now.

average jane signing off...

a new day, it will be okay

you know when you don't do something for fear of the reaction you'll get? well, sometimes you just have to take a chance be honest...tell that special someone how you felt...and honestly you find yourself surprised...tell them that you wanted to cry, in a moment that should have been happy...and you find that they are more understanding that you thought...more perfect...and you realize that things will be okay...that communication is the answer...you know you want to be able to tell them anything, but how difficult is that when you grew up in a home where pretty much nothing was discussed...nothing real...you just avoid telling how you really feel...can't tell them about the one person in the world you really are happy with, because you'll just get the look again...the lecture about how they aren't good enough...can't tell them about your relationship... can't tell them you'll never be like them...in fact that you don't ever want to be like them...dont' want their life... but it's okay...you'll change your life...be open with your feelings...tell ppl what you need to say, for your sanity... but it's a new day, life will be okay

average jane signing off...

sidenote: to those worried...i really am okay..

you know...

you know when you say oh that won't happen to me? and you just know deep down that because you said that, it will happen to you? those are such mind trips...funny when those things really do happen. then how do you deal with them? i guess you just figure it out from then on and just start over...sometimes when these things happen, you have to wonder...just about the whole thing. like what made this time different? what made you fall into this situation? is it a good change? what now?... what now? just makes you so contemplative...it's just a funny thing when you find yourself doing something you didn't expect. and sometimes you just have to let it all play out to see where it leads you...and hope you don't end up more confused...

averagejane signing off...

is he really the one?

one time i was just talking with my sister about guys and just whatever about them...she said something that really stuck with me. she said one thing that stood out to her as when she knew this one guy might be the one...someone special she should get to know better...was that jsut being around him was comfortable. that it felt like she had come home.

just recently i was hanging with a bunch of friends and we were playing video games. i had not played one of them before and my guy friend helped me figure out what i was to do. and he put his hand around mine and showed me what to do. it was brief, but for that brief time, it was just as if it felt comfortable and made me feel something. i don't really know how to describe it. but it made me wonder, am i right to be with this other guy, when i just get this feeling with a good guy friend of mine? am i ready to just give me heart to this other guy, when i'm not sure as to exactly how i feel? and you know...i don't think i am. but yeah i just got to thinking. and maybe this is just a sign that i need to step back and look at my life, where i'm headed, what goals i have and what plans i have to fulfill... but yeah..

averagejane signing off...

crazy weekend

so i just have to say this has been a crazy weekend... and now into the middle of the week. events happened friday, that broke my heart. but i just don't know what to think really. i love this guy, but, i've been talking to him and i don't think he was lying like i thought he might have been. but, today or tomorrow, i should know for sure. yesterday i'll admit that i was all ready to try and leave it in the past and just move on, no matter how hard that would be. cuz this guy is the first and only one i've truly loved. but now i'm thinking i just jumped to conclusions... i do tend to do that. i kind of have a fear of confrontation, so i don't tend to go ask the person what the situation is. anyhoo... well, now i think it's halfway resolved. but there is hurt feelings on both sides, so it may take a while to really put it all back together...


and i know there are a few of you out there that really just want to slap me right now cuz you think i'm just settin myself up to be hurt again. but don't worry about me. i'm okay. and i'm gonna be careful, it was just a misunderstanding.

anyhoo, average jane signing off...

why? hm...

why is it that we just love to torture ourselves? honestly! i've been reading over old blog posts of mine and a friend. i just read them over several times. each time i read them, the old feelings i felt at that time of my life, resurfaced just about as depressing as ever. now i sit here in a funk. god i'm just stupid. anyhoo...but also, i really just wish i could spend more time with my special someone. he tells me that he is falling in love with me. and i admit that i love him, like i never thought i possible. i usually shy away when things get to the whole " i love you" stage. that's what happened with my first and really only official boyfriend. i just freaked when it came to the serious feelings and dating just him. i realized that i would look around me and just say hmm... i think it would be fun to go out with that cute guy. and so i freaked and broke it off....then my second really serious relationship...that went on for a month. that was really long for me. but then, there is this guy now. robert. yes...you have heard abt. him before. our relationship has been developing since about june/july. at first there was crap goin on and i really didn't know whether i could trust him. but then things developed about a month or two ago. i had feelings for him from the beginning. and no matter what he did, they seemed to just keep developing. one day i felt as if things were cool and i could trust him, the next i was let down. this seriously went on for a few months. but let me just tell you, i really can't hold grudges for too long, especially against guys. unless of course you really are disrespectful all the time and out right rude. but if you do something, it's mostly forgotten in at most a few days....anyhoo, but so then it started with a kiss...at first i just kind of blew him off after i let him kiss me a few days. but then, i just kind of let it all go, as i was rather just trying to protect myself from any possible hurt rather than i was mad at him. but then, it all just began to develop as i talked with him and we became great friends. i could talk to him about anything and have a serious deep conversation, yet at the same time, i could have a crazy discussion about music, or food or other such stuff. and i loved it. and i felt myself falling...hard. with each kiss i melted in his arms, each embrace i felt safe, secure, and just plain happy. which is saying a lot for my seriously bi-polar life. lol but i think about him almost all the day long, i just want to be near him, see him, and talk to him. for a few days i totally let myself become so distracted by my thoughts of him it was hard to work. but i found a good in between eventually. and now here i am totally in love with him. wow it's the greatest feeling.

the greatest thing about him though, is that he made a promised to me about two months back that he would tell me the truth in anything. and so far he has kept that promise. i really love that he has made such an effort to never lie to me. he kind of told me a few lies in the past. he says that he owes it to me to prove that he loves me and that he is being honest in everything. i love it.....

well work is almost over so i'll finish what i want to say later.

average jane signing off...

i love him

so yeah here i am again...life is...hmm... life is just....life. it's okay, not bad, but not fantastic. just here. just existing. but yeah...is it normal to think of just one guy...so much that when you pass other guys on the street, cute ones, that you don't really thing of anyone but that one guy. seriously. i think of him all the time, love to be around him.

........................................................................................................................................


well, so this is like half a day later. so that special someone came to work a bit late cuz he went to some performance thing of his daughter's. but he walked in, and my knees just about gave out...he looked so....amazing. he normally i think is very hot. but he just was all spiffed up in a nice shirt, jeans, nice shoes, a cool leather jacket, and his hair had been cut. wow! is the only way i could describe my reaction. then he came over to my desk to say hi. and of course he had to smell incredible! lol... just wow. then even when he got on his work shirt and such, he still looked amazing. maybe i'm just biased cuz i love him. lol :D but i dont' care. he's just so incredible. i can't believe that he loves me. i can't believe how lucky i am....lol

well, i gotta go actually get some work done...

average jane signing off...

hard things to do...

i just did one of the hardest things for myself just now. it took a great deal of courage to do it. but i can't explain now. i will in about a week or so. cuz in doing so it will let out things i don't want to tell of at the moment. but it was hard. and i don't even know why i'm writing this, but i am. cuz i really would have rather not do it. but i know it would make a friend incredibly happy. so i did it. and i hope it all works out.

in my situation at work, i just had the most random thought. i behaved similarly to how chris is acting now, as when i did with steph and dave. i was just gettin mad at chris and casey for buttin into my business, when that is just what i did in steph and dave's case. that was none of my business. i should have just stated how i felt and left it at that. they seem happy together. and i should have jsut left it at that. but no i had to be childish and just be oober jealous that steph was spending more time with dave than me. and i guess that's just how it goes. i admit i was jealous. i felt that steph was abandoning me and choosing dave over me. and she was choosing to be with dave. so we both played a part. but i definitely acted childish in my actions. so here i apologize once again steph and dave for all that i've done. i should've butted out. sorry...i don't expect us to be friends in the near future at all, but at least maybe we can just let this settle and talk civily to each other. i guess it took me having a similar situation to see that i was acting almost as childish as chris.

you know, this year has been a time of growing up. especially this summer...i'm learning to take responsibility like in my job, and i'm learning that i acted really childish in some things. time to be more grown up. time to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. way stupid. but i have to say that there hardly is a day that goes by that i don't wish i still had steph to talk to, to hang out with. i'll do or hear little things that remind me of some fun thing me and steph did. like how she was green and i was red. and last christmas, her gift said to red from green. or the one night that she was driving me home at like 2 in the morning. we were at a stoplight and it was red. she was saying, "red! red! red! red! " trying to get it to change so we could go and i was like "don't you mean green?" lol we bust up laughing cuz we were so tired and giddy. and other memories, like how she insists on spelling uber like "oober" . she won't spell it any other way! lol good times that are past. well, i guess it only hurts to dwell on the past. but everything happens for a reason. that i believe with all my heart. i wish that i hadn't had to ruin a friendship for my life to take this path.but i have found that this path is where im meant to be for now. and smart person learns from their mistakes. so i'm learning, very slowly i admit.

so i doubt steph or dave will read this, but if they do, i hope they know that i really am sorry. please forgive my childish acts...

well, yeah... thats' all for now..

averagejane signing off.... (sorry.

more drama but it's all good!! :D

well, here i am...once again blogging my life to the whole world. well, making it available to the whole world, though probably only read by few...anyhoo, i'm babbling. but yeah, so things are interesting around the office. it's odd having everyone know about my dating life... and to have some rumors going around about me. like i just had my friend in the pumps dept. ask me if i was back with chris. and i so am not. cuz i don't want to get back in that drama with him. but at the same time i'm also wondering what i'm just doing overall. but my horoscope says to have a positive outlook on life today and that i can just relax. so i guess that means dont' worry and that things will work out... so here goes.

but so whats goin on in my life. well, the biggest thing right now is actually a date i have wednesday. well, big in the sense that it's the only thing i have going on and i really can't wait for it to be over. i'm goin on a date with darion on weds. he finally got the guts to ask me out and i said yes and am now regretting it... cuz he seems to think that we are boyfriend and girlfriend, though i specifically made sure he knew that we weren't. he called me four times one day in the space of two and a half hours, three of them in the space of an hour... and i was at work so i didn't answer them, plus i found out it was him so i didn't answer. but once i go out with him on weds. i don't have to again. cuz i will be busy and i will make plans that i absolutely cannot break for him... i know pathetic but it's how i get by!! :D

now, to the other stuff in my life....well i went and saw the movie "hairspray" and it was fantastic!!!! i wasn't so sure at first if i would like it cuz me and my sis actually went to see "becoming jane," but it was sold out!!! oh my we weren't expecting that! but hairspray was awsome! i recommend you all see it!

and...well, so my new crush at work. how are things with him.... well, he finally asked for my number on friday and we actually texted for a bit. but his charger was having issues so he never actually called me. well that is what he said. and for now i'm gonna believe him, but not put too much worry into if he calls me or what will happen between me and him. if it happens it happens. but, i really just need to keep my personal life, like my dating life, separate from work. i don't need more rumors and such goin on at work. i already have plenty from all of my dating chris shit...but yeah...

so i was talkin to cody just a bit ago. and then i came back to my desk cuz my break was over. and not five minutes later, cody comes up to me and says that another guy who works in warehouse, casey, saw cody and i talkin and was going to go tell chris that we had been talkin. that kind of pissed me off. and i guess it really pissed me off cuz i didn't think it was his business to go running to chris tellin him that me and cody had been talking, cuz that really depresses him for some reason. but its not like we're tryin to hide that we're talking. just if chris doesn't notice it, then why cause more drama and tell him? just common sense. but yeah the ppl here at work sometimes revolve around drama. it's funny sometimes, but damn annoying a lot lately. anyhoo, so i'm still gonna talk to cody, we're just gonna keep it on the DL. cuz why deliberately cause more drama? but yeah. i just dont' think its any body's business to spread rumors and shit. so i've definitely been keeping more of everything i hear to myself. i only will tell ppl stuff that i observe to be true with my own two eyes. i'm not gonna go spreading things i hear from others that i haven't seen for myself. that is what i'm gonna avoid. cuz i hate being in the middle of such.

well, i've babbled enough... lol :D but life is really not too bad at the moment! i will survive! lol totally thinkin of that song, "i'm a survivor, i'm gonna make, i will survive, keep on survivn..." lol its great!!!

averagejane signin off!!! (life is okay!! :D )

a first time for everything...

so it's been a few days and it seems a lifetime of things has happened to me in them. i feel changed and different, just a tad older and more in control of my life. it's kind of nice. but let me tell you what's happened and you can see what i mean.

so on thursday i got the biggest shocker of my life. just when i thought i could really believe robert, it turns out i was wrong. i guess maybe i just wanted so much to believe him that i disbelieved what everyone else was telling me. everyone had told me that chris would never lie. and it took someone else coming up and telling me that robert did have a girlfriend and that they actually got engaged to wake me up. i was just sitting at my desk when gilbert from the pumps dept. came to my desk and said,' robert's girlfriend just came and was showing off her engagement ring.' and he said that robert had a smug/proud look on his face when she was showing it off...silly me to actually believe him. but chris came up about ten or so minutes later and the first thing i said to him was,' i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i didn't believe you were telling the truth.' and he said,' thanx.' and so i got that all sorted out. but i really wanted to slug robert so hard for lying to my face three consecutive times that he didn't have a girlfriend. i hate that i still believed him. but that's now in the past. but before i found all this out i actually told chris, ' you know, whatever drama has gone on, let's just forget it. i don't care anymore.' cuz chris is a great guy. but then he did turn out to be telling the truth. silly me for that. so then we still planned on going out on friday.

so the funny part of this whole story is that chris doesn't have a car. he has a motorcycle but is still trying hard to register it. so our date on friday, he walked from his place down to the dollar theater and we watched a movie and ate something at arbys. it was way fun. after the movie, we just sat on the back of my car and talked. about everything. it was so cool cuz not only is he a great listener, but he actually discusses things with me. that's one difference that i found from any other guy i have liked. and it was so amzing. and we got to talkin about the mtns. and i found that he loves to go up in the mtns. so we kind of said, oh one time we have to go up there. and he had a waterfall he wanted to show me. but we set no definite time. then, i had to leave to make it back a half hour after my curfew. my parents weren't really mad.

then saturday the 30th. i went to the taylorsville dayzz parade and i actually got a bit sunburnt. but i texted chris to see if he was awake yet. and he finally texted me around noon. and i was out delivering flyers for sumthing. and he asked me what my plans were for that day. and i told him i just had to pass out these flyers, do some dishes, then take a shower. but i asked him why. and he said that he wanted to show me his waterfall. so we made plans for me to call him as soon as i was ready. then i picked him up and we went up little cottonwood canyon and found his waterfall and actually explored off to the side of it. it was fun. then i told him about donut falls and he said he'd never been there. so he said, why dont' you show me. cuz he'd shown me somthing new so now i'd show him somthing new. so we drove up big cottonwood canyon. and i forgot how far up the canyon it was so i got scared that i was going the wrong way. but i found it. and so we drove up to the parking lot and found a space. then we began our hike. it didnt' take us too long to hike it. but then we got to the waterfall and you have to climb up to the place where the water actually falls. it was a little difficult geting up, but chris was so sweet and helped me up. there was actually one part that was so difficult that he really was helping me. and he pulled me up and i kind of fell into his arms. it was comfortable....but then we got to the top and he asked if i had ever been above the falls. and i hadnt' and told him i really was too scared to go up there. and he pestered me a little asking if i was curious to see what was up there. but then i said fine lets go. and he said, you don't have to if you dont' want to. i won't make you. but i said no i'm goin up. so i went up with him coming behind me. and you know. it was even more beautiful up there. it was breathtaking and gorgeous. i'm glad he pushed me to try going up. he's just a great guy to encourage me to try new things and get me out of the bubble i've been in so long. but then we waded in the little pool at the top, then decided to climb back down. we got back down to the main trail and i kind of kept slipping and such, so i held his hand for support. and then i said, i guess you'll just have to hold my hand so i don't fall. and then we held hands the whole way down. it was amzing... he's so sweet. but then i took him home and dropped him off about 7 pm. then i went home and got ready for the fireworks cuz my pants were all dusty from the hike. but so then at about 9 pm i went and picked him up and we went to the fireworks. he met my parents and they were nice and such. but then we went and found our own spot and laid down to watch the fireworks. we ended up holding hands. and then after the fireworks were over, we just stayed in the park, just cuddling and talking. there were moments of silence but they were reflective silence rather than uncomfortable. it was way nice. then about 11:39 i checked my phone and said, i probably should go so i make curfew. and he said yeah maybe you should. but then i bent to get my flip flops and he put his arm around me and pulled me close saying 'you're not going anywhere!' lol and i just snuggled up to him and didnt argue cuz i didn't want to leave. but then at one point i turned to look at him and he was looking at me. then his hand went to my chin and he pulled me close, and kissed me. it was so cute. it wasn't perfect as this was my first kiss. but it was so cute nonetheless. *sigh* and i told him it was my first kiss. and he was so cute about it and how i was not experienced in kissing. but then we did leave cuz it was now like 12:10 or so in the morning. so then we walked back to my car, hand in hand. and i drove him home. once i got to his apartment, i turned off the car and just sat there with him. cuz i didn't want him to go. but then he turned to me and kissed me several more times. i think i did better kissing those times. but i feel that i will have many chances to improve.... :D so i look forward to whatever comes of this.

of course i didn't tell my parents of this or my sister rachel. cuz i don't know how they would react. i told only holly. cuz she understands... it's nice. but yeah. i was floating on cloud nine last night and i can't wait to see him tomorrow. *sigh* my life is going right for once. and it's totally been unplanned...

average jane signing off...(i'm so far gone...)

my new job...

so i started my first day at my big new job... and i survived. i have to admit that there were times when i was so busy, and i wondered how i was gonnna work things out. but i worked busy times before, like at SLCC college bookstore. and i really am excited for this job. i hardly even noticed the time passing. it really was fun. now that i'm home though, i am sort of tired. but it's the weekend!! i dont' work saturdays or sundays. so yeah. well, i'm kind of not in the mood to write anymore so yeah...
but i guess here i go in growing up...

average jane signing off...

it scares the hell outta me...

so i guess, maybe it is time to grow up....i would have been offered the full time position at steve regan, if i hadn't told rose two seconds before that i was thinkin of going just part time...if i had said nothing, i think rose might have offered me the job. yet because i said something, i'll only be covering until she can find a replacement. and the more i think about goin back to just filing afterwards, i can't do that. i can't have a great job like that, and then go back to filing. i got to really talking to my mom last night about all of this, and it really got me thinking. i thought about how i have so many dreams. so many things i want to do. and how i won't have enough money for college. i also talk about how i won't ever let a man stand in the way of my dreams and goals. yet, here i am not wanting to give up my summer just in case a guy i like wants to hang out. i need to just forget him and move on. it's time. another thing. thinking about growing up scares the hell outta me. i want to move on, but at the same time, i dont' want to accept all the responsibility of growing up. it literally scares the hell outta me, as i said before. and in considering taking this job, i have so many doubts. like maybe i'd be doing the wrong thing, maybe i'd be making a big mistake. but i know that i would regret it if i didn't at least give the job a chance. like my mom said, i know what i'm going into with this job already. unlike some other job i might get. and i already love the job. also, i need the money to get a car and pay for college. rose starts advertising for the position on sunday. so i have to think fast about this and see if i can do it. cuz i know that i would like to have it. but i have to just try, because i dont' ever want to look back and regret not having done something. i never want to look back and say i should have done that. life is about choices and what choices we make determine the kind of ppl we become. so here i go. it's time to grow up. even though i am scared to death.

average jane signing off...wish me luck...