why is it that we just love to torture ourselves? honestly! i've been reading over old blog posts of mine and a friend. i just read them over several times. each time i read them, the old feelings i felt at that time of my life, resurfaced just about as depressing as ever. now i sit here in a funk. god i'm just stupid. anyhoo...but also, i really just wish i could spend more time with my special someone. he tells me that he is falling in love with me. and i admit that i love him, like i never thought i possible. i usually shy away when things get to the whole " i love you" stage. that's what happened with my first and really only official boyfriend. i just freaked when it came to the serious feelings and dating just him. i realized that i would look around me and just say hmm... i think it would be fun to go out with that cute guy. and so i freaked and broke it off....then my second really serious relationship...that went on for a month. that was really long for me. but then, there is this guy now. robert. yes...you have heard abt. him before. our relationship has been developing since about june/july. at first there was crap goin on and i really didn't know whether i could trust him. but then things developed about a month or two ago. i had feelings for him from the beginning. and no matter what he did, they seemed to just keep developing. one day i felt as if things were cool and i could trust him, the next i was let down. this seriously went on for a few months. but let me just tell you, i really can't hold grudges for too long, especially against guys. unless of course you really are disrespectful all the time and out right rude. but if you do something, it's mostly forgotten in at most a few days....anyhoo, but so then it started with a kiss...at first i just kind of blew him off after i let him kiss me a few days. but then, i just kind of let it all go, as i was rather just trying to protect myself from any possible hurt rather than i was mad at him. but then, it all just began to develop as i talked with him and we became great friends. i could talk to him about anything and have a serious deep conversation, yet at the same time, i could have a crazy discussion about music, or food or other such stuff. and i loved it. and i felt myself falling...hard. with each kiss i melted in his arms, each embrace i felt safe, secure, and just plain happy. which is saying a lot for my seriously bi-polar life. lol but i think about him almost all the day long, i just want to be near him, see him, and talk to him. for a few days i totally let myself become so distracted by my thoughts of him it was hard to work. but i found a good in between eventually. and now here i am totally in love with him. wow it's the greatest feeling.
the greatest thing about him though, is that he made a promised to me about two months back that he would tell me the truth in anything. and so far he has kept that promise. i really love that he has made such an effort to never lie to me. he kind of told me a few lies in the past. he says that he owes it to me to prove that he loves me and that he is being honest in everything. i love it.....
well work is almost over so i'll finish what i want to say later.
average jane signing off...
3 comments:
Where have I been?...
Amy, all I can say is, I can understand a lot of what you said. Emotions, particularly of this kind, I think, can be so confusing. But I have to say, I don't trust him. Yes, I know you might be thinking, "But you don't know Robert!" and yes, I don't know him. But I know his kind. I know how guys think, how they work.
He's lied to you before. He has a daughter, from one broken relationship. He just got divorced with his new wife (did I mention that she was his new wife?)--who he told you was his sister--another broken relationship.
He made moves on you when he was still married; even when he was engaged. He says he will never lie to you again, but I personally am very sure that he will, if he isn't right now. (I know career liars. They are just that. They dissappoint over and over again, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change who they are, and what they do. No matter how much you love them, no matter how much good you may see in them, it will soon be slowly choked to death by their darker side, until they are only a shred of the person you once knew, loved, trusted. Amy, I've seen it.)
Don't think that the other women in his life didn't have feelings for him like you're having now; they must have. That's why they got involved with him in the first place. A history of broken relationships, and he's the common thread. His kind will not be the chivalrous husband that one can truly love, rely on, be protected, sheltered and taken care of by. Leopards don't just change their spots. He may have promised you one or many things, but how can somebody really treat only one person this way, and everyone else a different way? No, they treat all the same, for they themselves are one person, with one personality.
No matter what you may be feeling, all I can tell you is what I've learned myself: you may not be able to control your feelings, but you can always, always, control how you act, and what you do.
I also want you to know, that I say none of this to hurt you, to cause trouble, to slur him, or any other reason than the simple one that I love and care for you.
I wouldn't love you if I didn't say all this to you. Amy, dearest, please don't destroy everything you have. I am so, so sorry for being late on the scene. I'll be praying fervently for you.
Spencer
thanx spencer....
You're welcome, sweetheart.
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