just a cycle

days come and go...weeks pass slowly, and you find yourself starting a new routine...spend work wishing to be with that special someone...desperately needing a look to tell you they feel the same way...wanting just one moment alone with them...while at the same moment you look at them and remember the past few days and just become confused...torn between emotions...whether you give into your feelings or pull back from the hurt...do you just let it all go on, just all in the game of love...do you listen to your head telling you let go, back off, or do you listen to your heart telling you love is worth it all...what really matters anymore...

spend the days going from work to school...call him up, talk about school...be with him for hours...miss one day without him...your life is off...go to bed, think about him, dream about him...come to work...all just a misunderstanding...thought you didn't care to call...simple mistake, all is okay. or so it seems...for who really knows...find yourself wanting to just spend all your time with that special someone...your parents make comments as to their opinion...get the hint and move on to just being in the background...looking at you with that look in their eyes... the one thats shows disappointment, concern pity...look away, can't bear to see it...don't want to see the hurt, making it seem personal...put up the mask, don't look...just pass the days making polite...

good days...bad days...what do ppl around you really see...do they see the bad, or just simply wish it away cuz they can't handle it...do they even see the pain until it's glaring in their face...they show concern...act they care...why now...think they can help...you don't see them much during normal days...days with no drama, no hurt, just life...but why do they make things worse than they really are...why offer help when you say don't bother...what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...helps you learn to lean on that one person that really cares...that one you want to spend your life with...but then you come back to that circle of doubt and joy once again...

seems you're stuck in a neverending cycle...even though looking back it's only been a month or few...you can't seem to find where it really began...cant seem to find an end...or can you not see the ned because you fear it...don't know who you are anymore or who you've become...finding yourself and your worth in that one person...wanting to break free from the hurt...but fear losing the true happiness you have felt with them...lost, stuck in a web, can't figure it all out...

the day comes to a close once again...you lay and wonder why...just why...why does he love you? why you? why did it all have to be this way...

averagejane gone for now...

stuck, unable to move

how can something that is supposed to feel so good, so right...just feel so wrong? it boggles my mind. something that is an expression of feelings, that just makes you want to cry...in sadness and heartbreaking emotions... not tears of joy. just crying into your pillow...not letting anyone else see...don't want to appear fragile...yet you still come back to the source of your sadness...time and time again...because while the source brings sadness, it also brings joy, and feelings of love...the question is, is that enough? to be so happy with the source of most of your sadness, that you overlook the sadness, and just focus on how happy you are half the time...sometimes you just don't know...

another question...what is it that makes a strong, high-willed person lose their resolve, their audacity to speak their mind? how is it that someone has no trouble saying no to most, then when it comes to one special person in their life, the one who should understand them the most, they can't say no, especially to something that causes them pain and heartache? ...why can't they be strong...why? sometimes i guess you can just see that nobody can be superman all the time...

you sit there, just being with your best friend, your soul mate. just looking at them...and you see the love, the emotion in their eyes...and you can just feel their happiness...just being with you. and you feel the same way...and wonder how to express it...then something innocent turns into something more complicated...requires more than just a yes or no answer... and you just don't know how to answer...then it seems you answer against your will, and you're not sure of how you answered...then they ask something of you you're not sure you can give...and you find yourself giving it...you're disgusted with yourself...yet find yourself just wanting to please them...how have you fallen to this low that you can't say no...and you look at yourself and just cringe...you sigh, try to scrub it all away, rinse it all away...thinking maybe that will change it...and find nothing changed...you just curl up and cry. you wonder again how it all got this way, how one moment, one night can cause a world of change...........then you look up again out of your emotional reverie at your best friend, the one person you want to be with forever and always...and you just smile at the look on their face...the look that says they can't imagine anyplace they would rather be...and you melt and just want to stay forever in their embrace. and the circle is begun again...you wonder where you're going and if you'll have the strength to break the circle...or if you even want to...

everyday for a week, you'll hear flak from your parents about keeping to your dreams...dont' forget who you are...and you wonder ironically, how can you forget dreams you don't even know about any more? how can you forget who you are, when you never were sure who you were in the first place...simple ironies that make you grimace and cringe...just reminders that you are so far gone...beyond worry now...the looks you get from parents, friends...just a constant reminder that you disappoint them, time and time again...never able to do anything right...they nag, they prod...using the excuse they only want the best from you...only want to you to be all you can be...they just don't get you'll never be like them...don't see how hard you try to not be like them...don't want their life...you couldn't be them no matter how hard they may like it to be that way...pushing them further away...knowing that you disappoint them anyway, why not go all the way...push them so far away they really don't care anymore, don't have to see the hurt on their faces...the disappointed grimace...you just push farther and farther away...receding into yourself...whatever there is of you anyways...

on the outside, it appears life is just fine and dandy...no one even guesses the constant struggle day to day...no one sees the hurt...no one sees the pain...no one hears the sobs coming painfully from your very soul...so one knows the thoughts of despair...and you just continue on in the game...continue the cycle of pain and happiness... thinking you should end it, but then not sure if it's worth it...if you're worth it... you hope that one person you care the world for, can see beyond your mask...then when they do, you desperately wish that you could open up to the one person who really cares...tell them your doubts, your fears, your pains and how they make you feel low some days...they already hear your joys, but you hide your pains...can't bring yourself to tell them how things they do cause you pain, how you fear relationships with a passion, but want so much to be with them...yet your fears, irrational ones, push you away...but you can't tell them..for it's these same fears, these fears of really opening up to one person, that keep you from being true to yourself...you fear you'll just scare them, push them away with your feelings and thoughts...and by pulling away and closing in on yourself, you end up doing the one thing you fear...you push them away, make them think you don't want to be with them...that you don't care enough to tell them how you really feel...and you start again, hoping this time things will be different. they start different, but really just end the same...wishing you could get off this one track...try a new one...but somehow you can't...

so pretty much...you find yourself stuck...unable to help yourself...too proud, maybe just scared, maybe just not wanting, to ask for help...think maybe you're in this for a reason...and you just go to sleep, wishing for just a moments reprieve from your thoughts...thoughts threatening to weigh you down, pull you farther into this abyss you call life...

average jane signing off...

speeding thoughts

well, so i know its weird but i'm bloggin again. but have you ever felt like you can just feel your life spinning out of control? that you need to do something to feel like you are in control? well, i always hear about how ppl are anorexic and don't eat because that may be the one thing in their life they can control. well, in my life, i just drive. i drive with no real direction. and the key to my driving is speed. i go fast and faster. last night i was driving home from my friend's house in sandy. and i was just driving down a basically empty freeway. and i almost got to 100 mph. i was around 95 mph. i like the speed cuz i prove to myself that on the turns or anything else that i can keep control. i love speed and the feel of the car dangerously speeding down the road. the risk of having the car going so fast. that at any turn it could spin out. but i have control...

that was how i was feeling last night and it contiues on somewhat to this morning. and the song today is "show me love", by t.A.T.u. again. (lyrics at http://artists.letssingit.com/tatu-lyrics-show-me-love-extended-version-w596wcd) but it just is my mood telling guys that make all these promises to me that they never fulfill. and right now i want the feeling that comes from having that special some one. cuz i'm just kind of in a rut in my life. or maybe not really a rut. but more that i have a facade that i put on for the whole world that never really is me. i find myself acting to please more often than not, as crazy as that my sound coming from me. i agree with ppl, cuz i want to fit in. i may put on this façade that i don't care. but i took this quiz about what my greatest fear is. and you think of the normal fears like spiders and the dark, and snakes. but this quiz hit it dead on. i may not like snakes or othre creepy crawlers. but my biggest fear is not being accepted. i rearely feel like i truly fit in anywhere. so if i let you in my life and if i truly consider you my best friend, then feel lucky. not that it's an honor or that i'm special or anything. just i have a hard time really letting ppl into who i am. for what i post here is merely the surface of what is me. and i guess sometimes i define myself by who i'm with. like they define how i act and who i talk to. it's complicated. but yeah... now i've babbled long enough.

average jane signing off