what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

so the thing i thought wouldn't happen, at least for a year or so, happened. somehow my mom knows what happened between me and him...she confronted me about it this morning...and i have to admit it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. but it still was like i thought it would be in some part. she's disappointed in me. but that i can handle. i'm used to ppl being disappointed in me. i just learn to brush it off and move on with life, living the best that i can. she wanted to know if i wanted to rectify it all with god and church.(as much as i say i believe in god now, i still wonder...to be honest) those reading this who are lds and know that situation, know what all that entails. i told her no, i didn't want to. because a part of me is still trying to pull myself together, not crying at night wondering if he's okay. wondering if i'm okay. a part of me still wants to be with him. but it takes most of what i have to remind myself why i broke it off. why i can't do this. and it takes most my resolve to just wake up each morning determined to be okay. to make sure i don't let things get me down. to prove to myself that i'm okay. to prove to myself i'm worth jsut starting again and finding my way through life. cuz i have things i need to do...i know i say this a lot. but i have to stay away from relationships to focus on my goals. i mean i still flirt and will date. but, i won't let my heart get involved in them. i won't let anyone get that close. i've got plans and i'm not deterring from them anymore. this is why i'm really making an effort in my classes this semester and keeping on top of things. i have things that won't go anywhere if i don't get through college. but mostly i have to prove that i can get through college. that i am mature enough to be in the "real world". somedays i seriously wonder though...but i'm making it work. i'm slowly growing up. but yeah...

now don't take the above as i'm not okay. i really am working towards it. i don't mean to bitch and try to say my life is hard. well, it is some days. but that's mostly from my decisions. but i wouldn't take back anything. it's making me a stronger person. he asked me if i regretted him. i told him. i may regret what i let myself do with him...but i'll never regret him. never. he is a part of my life...a part that helped me learn more about myself and put me on the path to making me stronger. i will never regret him. i'm stronger now.

average jane signing off...

life is great

wow! so yeah life is going great to be honest! i miss him every day...which in itself is funny cuz i see him 5 days a week still. but i'm learning to cope and be okay and get where i'm going in this life. i have this new fav. quote. it comes from the movie, "p.s. i love you." it's something along the lines of "getting through this life we have...realizing that none of us get out alive." it just made me realize, when i heard it, even more than i already realized it, we don't get out of this life alive. we all are eventually gonna die. i mean, wow, it really just hit me when the character, holly, said it at the end of the movie. lilke it was just so blunt and yet so beautifully said. i'll have to see the movie again and write down the line exactly so you all can get what i mean! but yeah...

add: oh so i totally found the quote i mentioned above, online!!! how lucky is that! lol but here it is...feel free to comment on it. cuz it made me really think!

"This is my one and only life, and it is a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive." (said by Holly, the character played by Hilary Swank.)

so tonight i'm gonna go see a movie called 27 dresses with my sister. i've been waiting for at least a month for it to come out and i can't wait to see it!! :D lol for those of you who don't know the story line, here's a short summary of it. there is this girl, who has been a bridesmaid 27 times, for jsut all of her friends and such. she is in love with a guy she works with ( the guy may be her boss, but i'm not sure! ). one night she is at a club, with her friend and the guy she is in love with is there too...not sure why or if it's just coincedence. but her friend tells her she has to go and tell him how she feels. but who should come up just as she does to this guy? her sister. and the girl introduces them both, they fall in love and then over like the next few weeks get engaged. so the girl's name is jane, btw...but jane plans her sisters wedding. but a little twist to this story even more, is that at the last wedding/reception jane was at, she met this oober cute guy played by james marsden. anyhoo, so in this all , the two of them become friends and he helps her realize that maybe it's time for her to find her happy ending!! this results in a good quote in the movie that goes as follows, (said by actor James Marsden) "you'd rather focus on other people's kodak moments, rather than make memories of your own." so it's really motivating to me to get out and live my life and make my own "kodak moments." lol but life is really just good. like a few times today i had thoughts that threatened to really dampen my mood. like thoughts of him, and wondering if he's okay. but i told myself it didn't help any to get all down on myself or anything. i can just reasonably worry that he's okay, without it really pulling me down. and i've done well today at keepin my mood up!! it does help that i have a flirt buddy...lol his name is ron. and he's cute! anyhoo...but also, i've been doing a little stretching of my legs on my breaks. it's really cool!! and easy to do.

lol so that's my life. been busy with school and work and just life in general but all is just fantastic!! ;) average jane signing off!

ps. i think it helps that i have my hair in pigtails. cuz they are such a fun hairdo to have and they make you feel like a little kid sometimes! :D

a new day, it will be okay

you know when you don't do something for fear of the reaction you'll get? well, sometimes you just have to take a chance be honest...tell that special someone how you felt...and honestly you find yourself surprised...tell them that you wanted to cry, in a moment that should have been happy...and you find that they are more understanding that you thought...more perfect...and you realize that things will be okay...that communication is the answer...you know you want to be able to tell them anything, but how difficult is that when you grew up in a home where pretty much nothing was discussed...nothing real...you just avoid telling how you really feel...can't tell them about the one person in the world you really are happy with, because you'll just get the look again...the lecture about how they aren't good enough...can't tell them about your relationship... can't tell them you'll never be like them...in fact that you don't ever want to be like them...dont' want their life... but it's okay...you'll change your life...be open with your feelings...tell ppl what you need to say, for your sanity... but it's a new day, life will be okay

average jane signing off...

sidenote: to those worried...i really am okay..

just a cycle

days come and go...weeks pass slowly, and you find yourself starting a new routine...spend work wishing to be with that special someone...desperately needing a look to tell you they feel the same way...wanting just one moment alone with them...while at the same moment you look at them and remember the past few days and just become confused...torn between emotions...whether you give into your feelings or pull back from the hurt...do you just let it all go on, just all in the game of love...do you listen to your head telling you let go, back off, or do you listen to your heart telling you love is worth it all...what really matters anymore...

spend the days going from work to school...call him up, talk about school...be with him for hours...miss one day without him...your life is off...go to bed, think about him, dream about him...come to work...all just a misunderstanding...thought you didn't care to call...simple mistake, all is okay. or so it seems...for who really knows...find yourself wanting to just spend all your time with that special someone...your parents make comments as to their opinion...get the hint and move on to just being in the background...looking at you with that look in their eyes... the one thats shows disappointment, concern pity...look away, can't bear to see it...don't want to see the hurt, making it seem personal...put up the mask, don't look...just pass the days making polite...

good days...bad days...what do ppl around you really see...do they see the bad, or just simply wish it away cuz they can't handle it...do they even see the pain until it's glaring in their face...they show concern...act they care...why now...think they can help...you don't see them much during normal days...days with no drama, no hurt, just life...but why do they make things worse than they really are...why offer help when you say don't bother...what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...helps you learn to lean on that one person that really cares...that one you want to spend your life with...but then you come back to that circle of doubt and joy once again...

seems you're stuck in a neverending cycle...even though looking back it's only been a month or few...you can't seem to find where it really began...cant seem to find an end...or can you not see the ned because you fear it...don't know who you are anymore or who you've become...finding yourself and your worth in that one person...wanting to break free from the hurt...but fear losing the true happiness you have felt with them...lost, stuck in a web, can't figure it all out...

the day comes to a close once again...you lay and wonder why...just why...why does he love you? why you? why did it all have to be this way...

averagejane gone for now...

things changing...

isn't it funny how one moment can really change your life? make you really think about everything that is happening... sometimes it's for the better, sometimes for the worse...as for me, i've not decided yet...

but i've been thinking a lot lately. just about life...and where i'm going...what i want to do with it...and some thing has kind of changed my plans...but yeah...

oh, and i had hoped to travel to new york this summer...but i don't think i'll have the funding to anymore...

well that's all for now...except that i'm really tired, cuz i got home at 3 am this morning...dont ask why...

average jane signing off...

steps to strength :a good day! :D

has anyone ever become so addicted to blogging that it hurt them? that would be funny to hear of. cuz i have to admit that at times i am way addicted to blogging. cuz sometimes it just helps to get everything out online, and it's just different from writing in my journal. but somehow better. because i do really tell my feelings sometmes, completely not caring what ppl think, cuz it's my blog. but anyhoo, i'm babbling! :D

so my path to finding my inner strength.....well, i've first begun it with tryin to get better in shape. i'm doing a few pushups, sit ups and leg lifts a day. i do some in the morning and some at night. so far so good. it's actually quite rejuvenating! amzing. but then i'm also redecorating my room of sorts... like my quotes are being re arranged and i'm puttin new ones up. like the quote of today is...."some ppl think it's holding on that makes one strong-sometimes it's letting go." and i realize that a lot of my drama and heartache and such are from not letting go of things. i tell myself that i've let go, buti havent'. and so i found this quote particularly amzing. and so i put it all pretty up on my closet door. i had fun doing it! :D let's just say i had a good amount of time on my hands! :D but these are only the beginning steps. one i would like to do is to eat healthier and such, but that will prove to be a bit more trying as i really love my disgusting junk food! : ( but i'll work on that one.
my next step is to catch up on my homework....that's proving difficult already. no duh. but life isn't supposed to be easy.

oh yah know, when i really put my mind to it, it wasn't all that hard to stay happy and positive even when i really wanted to slug my choir teacher! i just was goofy and din't have to like everything she said. but it was fun. now i need to be positive tomorrow! i can do it. :D

oh and the most random thing? so i go to seminary, but dont really like it, but somehow i manage to be the top person in my class on the scripture mastery challenge. i totally smoked my teacher coleman. but yeah so random. but i have to admit i love scripture chases! cuz i totally dominate. so i get to compete tomorrow. nathan are you not just so proud that i'm actually participating in class? *eye roll* lol but yeah i'm crazy.

so this has been a really good day. oh except that my mom wants me to go to some lame baby shower for a cousin i barely talk to. ugh. maybe i can drag a friend with. my mom is pretty set on not letting me, but i kind of told her i would only go if i could bring a friend to suffer with me. LOL but yeah otherwise, life is good. i have the house to myself as i type this, but who knows when they'll be home. ugh. but life is awsome!

average jane signing off!! ( my path is my own and i will prove stronger than any foe i may come across !)

finding my inner strength

well, here's another update. so my date was okay last night. kind of odd. but okay. and i guess it made me realize that i can only be friends with guy#2 that i mentioned. so that's it. but yeah lifes okay. and i'm moving on. i guess it's time to use my inner strength and be on my own. cuz i left myself be too easily influended by others and what they do. i'm needing to stand on my own two feet and make my decisions by what i believe. i found that last night that i kind of just went with things that i wasn't so sure of. i'm good though and i can be strong. life will be awsome.

average jane signing off. :D