i know better....

so why can't i say no? i thought i learned that from my last relationship...that i needed to be stronger and say no...well, this is a not so drastic situation where i really need to say no, but am finding myself not saying it. i like kissing him, that is the biggest problem. i know that i'll only break his heart again, yet here i go. i really need to stop this before it goes any farther...like just that he gets his hopes up and i just crush him. i need to just stop myself from being selfish and going for it cuz i like it rather than i really like him... i like talking to him as a friend...i'll talk to him tonight after we go to the movie...or before...i dunno...but i've got to talk to him tonight.... tell him that i can't break his heart again...cuz i know i will. i like flirting with him and the feel of his arms around me but it's not his arms that i like, it's just the feeling of someone's arms. or maybe it's his arms...ugh. to be honest i think it's just the feeling of someone's arms securely around me...

did i mention he quit drinking....he hasn't touched a drop in a month...that is totally amzing of him to be honest....i'm so proud of him. but yeah....

anyhoo...i'll talk to him tonight...

oh and i hate that i don't talk to r. anymore... i really should talk to him. i will on monday...

averagejane signing off...

changed plans

so plans have been changed and i'm not able to make it up to the sundance film festival...and i was really actually looking forward to that. but it's kind of my own stupid fault i'm not gonna be able to go. oh well, i'm determined not to let it get me down! i'm not gonna sink down to that cuz i'm determined to just stay happy and be okay. anyhoo....

but, i miss him. a lot. i see him and he smiles at me. i smile at him...god i miss him. wish i could talk to him...like normal. wish i could just fold his arms around me and be safe in his embrace... but i can't. not yet at least....


average jane signing off.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

so the thing i thought wouldn't happen, at least for a year or so, happened. somehow my mom knows what happened between me and him...she confronted me about it this morning...and i have to admit it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. but it still was like i thought it would be in some part. she's disappointed in me. but that i can handle. i'm used to ppl being disappointed in me. i just learn to brush it off and move on with life, living the best that i can. she wanted to know if i wanted to rectify it all with god and church.(as much as i say i believe in god now, i still wonder...to be honest) those reading this who are lds and know that situation, know what all that entails. i told her no, i didn't want to. because a part of me is still trying to pull myself together, not crying at night wondering if he's okay. wondering if i'm okay. a part of me still wants to be with him. but it takes most of what i have to remind myself why i broke it off. why i can't do this. and it takes most my resolve to just wake up each morning determined to be okay. to make sure i don't let things get me down. to prove to myself that i'm okay. to prove to myself i'm worth jsut starting again and finding my way through life. cuz i have things i need to do...i know i say this a lot. but i have to stay away from relationships to focus on my goals. i mean i still flirt and will date. but, i won't let my heart get involved in them. i won't let anyone get that close. i've got plans and i'm not deterring from them anymore. this is why i'm really making an effort in my classes this semester and keeping on top of things. i have things that won't go anywhere if i don't get through college. but mostly i have to prove that i can get through college. that i am mature enough to be in the "real world". somedays i seriously wonder though...but i'm making it work. i'm slowly growing up. but yeah...

now don't take the above as i'm not okay. i really am working towards it. i don't mean to bitch and try to say my life is hard. well, it is some days. but that's mostly from my decisions. but i wouldn't take back anything. it's making me a stronger person. he asked me if i regretted him. i told him. i may regret what i let myself do with him...but i'll never regret him. never. he is a part of my life...a part that helped me learn more about myself and put me on the path to making me stronger. i will never regret him. i'm stronger now.

average jane signing off...

missing him

wow... so first let me say this is my two hundreth post!! lol

but, why does it have to be so damn hard? you know deep inside that it really is the best, at least for now. but why does he have to look so perfect? be so perfect? i mean, what guy do you know that just randomly cooks when he is bored? then comes and shares it with the ppl at work? god, he just looks so perfect. you can't help that you love him, but it's just not meant to be right now... and you have to stop yourself from calling him or texting...can't stir up his feelings or yours...sometimes you cry yourself to sleep...then a new day comes, think you've got it under control, then you come to work say hi, he smiles and you melt and want to just take it all back. just be with him...god you miss him!

well, life moves on and in a few years you don't know what could happen...maybe then you will get a second chance and it will be right this time...

average jane signing off

stuck, unable to move

how can something that is supposed to feel so good, so right...just feel so wrong? it boggles my mind. something that is an expression of feelings, that just makes you want to cry...in sadness and heartbreaking emotions... not tears of joy. just crying into your pillow...not letting anyone else see...don't want to appear fragile...yet you still come back to the source of your sadness...time and time again...because while the source brings sadness, it also brings joy, and feelings of love...the question is, is that enough? to be so happy with the source of most of your sadness, that you overlook the sadness, and just focus on how happy you are half the time...sometimes you just don't know...

another question...what is it that makes a strong, high-willed person lose their resolve, their audacity to speak their mind? how is it that someone has no trouble saying no to most, then when it comes to one special person in their life, the one who should understand them the most, they can't say no, especially to something that causes them pain and heartache? ...why can't they be strong...why? sometimes i guess you can just see that nobody can be superman all the time...

you sit there, just being with your best friend, your soul mate. just looking at them...and you see the love, the emotion in their eyes...and you can just feel their happiness...just being with you. and you feel the same way...and wonder how to express it...then something innocent turns into something more complicated...requires more than just a yes or no answer... and you just don't know how to answer...then it seems you answer against your will, and you're not sure of how you answered...then they ask something of you you're not sure you can give...and you find yourself giving it...you're disgusted with yourself...yet find yourself just wanting to please them...how have you fallen to this low that you can't say no...and you look at yourself and just cringe...you sigh, try to scrub it all away, rinse it all away...thinking maybe that will change it...and find nothing changed...you just curl up and cry. you wonder again how it all got this way, how one moment, one night can cause a world of change...........then you look up again out of your emotional reverie at your best friend, the one person you want to be with forever and always...and you just smile at the look on their face...the look that says they can't imagine anyplace they would rather be...and you melt and just want to stay forever in their embrace. and the circle is begun again...you wonder where you're going and if you'll have the strength to break the circle...or if you even want to...

everyday for a week, you'll hear flak from your parents about keeping to your dreams...dont' forget who you are...and you wonder ironically, how can you forget dreams you don't even know about any more? how can you forget who you are, when you never were sure who you were in the first place...simple ironies that make you grimace and cringe...just reminders that you are so far gone...beyond worry now...the looks you get from parents, friends...just a constant reminder that you disappoint them, time and time again...never able to do anything right...they nag, they prod...using the excuse they only want the best from you...only want to you to be all you can be...they just don't get you'll never be like them...don't see how hard you try to not be like them...don't want their life...you couldn't be them no matter how hard they may like it to be that way...pushing them further away...knowing that you disappoint them anyway, why not go all the way...push them so far away they really don't care anymore, don't have to see the hurt on their faces...the disappointed grimace...you just push farther and farther away...receding into yourself...whatever there is of you anyways...

on the outside, it appears life is just fine and dandy...no one even guesses the constant struggle day to day...no one sees the hurt...no one sees the pain...no one hears the sobs coming painfully from your very soul...so one knows the thoughts of despair...and you just continue on in the game...continue the cycle of pain and happiness... thinking you should end it, but then not sure if it's worth it...if you're worth it... you hope that one person you care the world for, can see beyond your mask...then when they do, you desperately wish that you could open up to the one person who really cares...tell them your doubts, your fears, your pains and how they make you feel low some days...they already hear your joys, but you hide your pains...can't bring yourself to tell them how things they do cause you pain, how you fear relationships with a passion, but want so much to be with them...yet your fears, irrational ones, push you away...but you can't tell them..for it's these same fears, these fears of really opening up to one person, that keep you from being true to yourself...you fear you'll just scare them, push them away with your feelings and thoughts...and by pulling away and closing in on yourself, you end up doing the one thing you fear...you push them away, make them think you don't want to be with them...that you don't care enough to tell them how you really feel...and you start again, hoping this time things will be different. they start different, but really just end the same...wishing you could get off this one track...try a new one...but somehow you can't...

so pretty much...you find yourself stuck...unable to help yourself...too proud, maybe just scared, maybe just not wanting, to ask for help...think maybe you're in this for a reason...and you just go to sleep, wishing for just a moments reprieve from your thoughts...thoughts threatening to weigh you down, pull you farther into this abyss you call life...

average jane signing off...

you know...

you know when you say oh that won't happen to me? and you just know deep down that because you said that, it will happen to you? those are such mind trips...funny when those things really do happen. then how do you deal with them? i guess you just figure it out from then on and just start over...sometimes when these things happen, you have to wonder...just about the whole thing. like what made this time different? what made you fall into this situation? is it a good change? what now?... what now? just makes you so contemplative...it's just a funny thing when you find yourself doing something you didn't expect. and sometimes you just have to let it all play out to see where it leads you...and hope you don't end up more confused...

averagejane signing off...

things changing...

isn't it funny how one moment can really change your life? make you really think about everything that is happening... sometimes it's for the better, sometimes for the worse...as for me, i've not decided yet...

but i've been thinking a lot lately. just about life...and where i'm going...what i want to do with it...and some thing has kind of changed my plans...but yeah...

oh, and i had hoped to travel to new york this summer...but i don't think i'll have the funding to anymore...

well that's all for now...except that i'm really tired, cuz i got home at 3 am this morning...dont ask why...

average jane signing off...

crazy weekend

so i just have to say this has been a crazy weekend... and now into the middle of the week. events happened friday, that broke my heart. but i just don't know what to think really. i love this guy, but, i've been talking to him and i don't think he was lying like i thought he might have been. but, today or tomorrow, i should know for sure. yesterday i'll admit that i was all ready to try and leave it in the past and just move on, no matter how hard that would be. cuz this guy is the first and only one i've truly loved. but now i'm thinking i just jumped to conclusions... i do tend to do that. i kind of have a fear of confrontation, so i don't tend to go ask the person what the situation is. anyhoo... well, now i think it's halfway resolved. but there is hurt feelings on both sides, so it may take a while to really put it all back together...


and i know there are a few of you out there that really just want to slap me right now cuz you think i'm just settin myself up to be hurt again. but don't worry about me. i'm okay. and i'm gonna be careful, it was just a misunderstanding.

anyhoo, average jane signing off...

my heart is saying yes...

so...here's the deal. i did something a few weeks ago that i know was wrong, but felt so right...and the thing is, i want to do it again. but my mind is telling me no. my heart, well, i've allowed my emotions to get tied up in this...and nothing can happen right now... and if something did happen, i'd want it to be when both of us are unnattached. that it would happen cuz we both want it. no obligations or guilt trips... that's no way to live life... and yet i want something to happen right now. but it can't.. and i hate myself for wanting it to happen. cuz i think i'm falling fast and hard...in love maybe... cuz there has to be a physical and a mental attraction. wanting to be with someone for reasons beyond the physical part of a relationship. loving them for their mind and honesty. and i've found that...god i'm screwed up but here goes. i would live life wondering always, "what if..."

average jane signing off...

A humongous update!! :D

a lot has gone on recently. i guess i've just been too lazy to tell it all...so now i have the time plus the motivation.

so, friday was an interesting day that began most of it. that would be october 5th. the day of my friend steph's wedding. well, so after work and in between going to her reception, i went to walmart with my sister. while there i saw my friend, jay funk, who i haven't really seen or talked to in like a year or so. he lives in my neighborhood, but because we both have lives and he has a full time job at desert star, where i used to work, we rarely see each other. but i have to admit that i really had a crush on him while i worked with him. he's only like 3 or 4 yrs. older than me. and seeing him again made me realize that i still have a crush on him. and can i jsut say that he gives great hugs!! i could just melt in his hugs... but we talked a bit and then i had to go. but we exchanged phone numbers...

so then it was time for stephs reception. so i threw on a skirt, then went to harmons for a card. it took me forever to find the right one that didn't seem all formal and old people-ish. and finally i found the perfect one. it said something along the lines of " i now pronounce you pookie and shnookums." and on the inside,"awww..." that totally fit steph and dave. cuz there was a time when steph was trying out pet names for dave. and we had names like shnookums and such. it was a riot. and dave's face each time we tried a new name was funny... lol so i got that card. then i went to the reception. i managed to get there right when steph was throwing the bouquet. she saw me come in and yelled at me to get over there. lol so i thought okay i can do this. cuz i have to admit that i was terribly worried how things would be. so then i kind of stepped back while the whole wedding group got some pics taken. and i was gonna go sit down at a table. but then looking over, i knew maybe two ppl there. and i wasn't sure how things were with them. and that's when i started to get teary eyed. cuz it was weird that a place that i used to feel was like my second home, now i felt so out of place in. and that's one of the worst things for me is to feel out of place. or not accepted. but the second thing didnt' apply this time.

so then i went through the line, and i gave sharon, steph's little sister a hug. then i went to stephs parents. and they made me feel good all over. cuz her dad is just like, "hey amybird!" (that name is an inside joke, that turned to our special thing) and then he acted like we had never met and said, "hi i'm the father of the bride," then turning to his wife, "and this is my wife." lol i shook their hands and played along with it. i love stephs parents beyond anything. they are my fav. but then i talked to steph and then on to dave's mom. she introduced herself and said that she thought she might have met me before. and i said yeah that i'd hung out with dave sometimes at their house. i didn't think it tactful to mention i had gone out with him, seein as he just got married. not that it mattered that we dated as we really just ended up friends. but yeah. then i talked to nathan, my bestest friend who was the best man. and i said and you are? and he introduced himself like we had never met. then he gave me a hug and said, "i don't normally hug strangers, but i have a feeling abt this." lol that really made me laugh. we chatted a minute then i just had to go. cuz i guess i had come hoping that everything would be back to normal. somehow. but then just being there and seeing how happy steph was, was just a reminder that nothing would be the same anymore. so neeedless to say, by the time i got to the parking lot, tears were streaming down my cheeks. i've always wondered abt when they say tears streaming down their cheeks. well, that's how it was. the tears just came. and i guess i made it worse driving home cuz i had a song playing called "for good" from the musical wicked. and one part really hit me. there is a part that says, (Elphaeba singing) "and just to clear the air i ask forgiveness for the things i've done you've blamed me for." (Glinda) "but then i guess we know there's blame to share, " (both) "and none of it seems to matter any more." so that reminded me of how steph and i had realized that we both had made stupid decisions and that ended our friendship. and i guess i wish i could say it doesn't matter anymore. but the fact is it does. cuz, nothing will be the same again. and i lost a best friend. and no matter how i try things wont' be the same. and a good portion of that is due to how i've changed over the summer. i have made more friends. but not to say they will ever replace my friendship with steph, but i've adapted and no longer will ever have one sole friendship that i rely on. cuz if things go sour, then it won't hurt as much, cuz it's not like my whole life is with that person.

well, now i got off on a tangent... so as i was driving home, i found out that my friend jay has a girlfriend so i was like oh. whatev. then i get a random text from my friend art. well, to make a long story short, he asked if i had a crush. and i told him i had two. and then he asked who they were. then asked if he were one of them. and so i told him that yes he was. and turns out he kinda likes me too. but i guess he's worried a bit about the whole dating some one from work. so yah. but i ran into him at walmart on saturday. and my sister was with me and she said that he definitely likes me! lol so that boosted me. but then when i came to work on monday, it was just like things were normal. but yeah. we might hang this weekend.

so then i hung with holly on sunday night and we just had a talk abt art and life and everything else. it was good. and i think what i really needed. good times... :)

but then lets see...oh the point of the above paragraph. well, while hangin with holly i was texting a friend cody. and then at one point i told him abt holly and he said i should hook them up. then i told him to ask chris about holly. so then he actually asked someone else about holly and they told cody she wasnt cute at all. and i got offended. so between this on monday and last night, tuesday, cody got the idea that i was mad at him, when i'm not. i'm just kind of mad at the person who said this abt. holly, most likely cuz she's a bit overweight, but freakin gorgeous, i think. anyhoo, so he texts me last night abt all this. well, so i tell him i'm not mad at him. and clear up this misunderstanding. then he said, btw you owe me a massage. and this was all from an earlier conversation. so i said, lol i'll give you that massage when you finally ask me out! ( cuz he keeps saying he'll ask me out. but just makes excuses.) then he replied, i'll ask you out if you dont deny me when i kiss you. so i replied, well i might be able to make that compromise...we'll see if you ask me out! so then he said, If you promise ill ask you out this weekend. so that totally caught me off guard. cuz he's been making excuses for weeks and now he's saying that he'll ask me out this weekend. so i had to think for a bit and acutally got advice from holly. so what i ended up telling him that i wouldn't deny him if he kissed me. but i told him if that's all he wanted from me then i would deny him. cuz i don't get down like that. never again. so we have that settled. but he has yet to ask me out. but if he doesnt' ask me out by thursday, i'll say no cuz i'll have plans of some sort. so as not to appear easy. cuz i'm not.

so yeah. that's abt what is all happening!! wow, that's a lot. so yeah...

well, there is this group called t.A.T.u. that i absolutely love and i just got their first CD. cuz i like it best. and there is this song called "all the things she said." and it's the song on my mind now cuz my mind keeps goin over everything art and cody said. like i don't think i like cody much anymore, except that he's cute and can be nice. and it would be fun to go out with him... but yeah... i'm just looking for casual dating. and it would be that with cody.
so yeah...

average jane signing off..

ps. btw cody smells really good, today especially. lol he just walked past me...mmmm..

EDIT: so after posting this all, i just had somethin else i was reminded to post. cuz i have to say that there is actually one guy that i like but dont' pursue anything with beyond friends. cuz he's already got a girlfriend. and she's so nice and sweet that i wouldn't think of even doin anything to get between them even if i could. (his name is casey, btw) but he's just way cute and just the right look that really makes me sigh. then art also has that look too...but just not the same as casey...*sigh*

i love life! he hee

so, the funniest thing happened yesterday. so i was at work and my dad comes in to tell me they had dropped off the car for me to get home, cuz they had dropped me off at work. but then my mom comes in and says she thought she might as well see where i work while she's here. so of course i have to introduce her to all my wonderful friends at work. so i take her to pumps dept. to meet callie, and i tell my mom callie is my favorite. but then my dad who has already met most everyone says that i have to have mom meet Art, a guy back in pumps dept. who is a good friend and i kind of have a crush on. so, i go back to the shop to see if hes there, but he isn't. so then i just come back to my desk. like two minutes later, he calls up to my phone and i tell him to stay where he is that i want my parents to meet him. so i go back there and they all meet...

well, then my parents leave cuz they have places to be. but then like 20 min. later, my friend callie comes up to me and says that she is in trouble now. and i ask her what she'd done now. she told me that she had said to Art that my parents had come just to meet him! lol lol so then she said that he blushed. then asked if callie was serious. callie said yeah. then he kind of smiled. so i later questioned more about the smile. and she said that it was an "oh-she-likes-me" smile. then i asked if it was an "oh, awkward, she likes me" smile or an "oh-she-likes-me-pleased" smile. and callie said it was definitely a pleased "oh-she-likes-me" smile! lol

totally made my day. well, that's all.

average jane signing off! :D

hard things to do...

i just did one of the hardest things for myself just now. it took a great deal of courage to do it. but i can't explain now. i will in about a week or so. cuz in doing so it will let out things i don't want to tell of at the moment. but it was hard. and i don't even know why i'm writing this, but i am. cuz i really would have rather not do it. but i know it would make a friend incredibly happy. so i did it. and i hope it all works out.

in my situation at work, i just had the most random thought. i behaved similarly to how chris is acting now, as when i did with steph and dave. i was just gettin mad at chris and casey for buttin into my business, when that is just what i did in steph and dave's case. that was none of my business. i should have just stated how i felt and left it at that. they seem happy together. and i should have jsut left it at that. but no i had to be childish and just be oober jealous that steph was spending more time with dave than me. and i guess that's just how it goes. i admit i was jealous. i felt that steph was abandoning me and choosing dave over me. and she was choosing to be with dave. so we both played a part. but i definitely acted childish in my actions. so here i apologize once again steph and dave for all that i've done. i should've butted out. sorry...i don't expect us to be friends in the near future at all, but at least maybe we can just let this settle and talk civily to each other. i guess it took me having a similar situation to see that i was acting almost as childish as chris.

you know, this year has been a time of growing up. especially this summer...i'm learning to take responsibility like in my job, and i'm learning that i acted really childish in some things. time to be more grown up. time to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. way stupid. but i have to say that there hardly is a day that goes by that i don't wish i still had steph to talk to, to hang out with. i'll do or hear little things that remind me of some fun thing me and steph did. like how she was green and i was red. and last christmas, her gift said to red from green. or the one night that she was driving me home at like 2 in the morning. we were at a stoplight and it was red. she was saying, "red! red! red! red! " trying to get it to change so we could go and i was like "don't you mean green?" lol we bust up laughing cuz we were so tired and giddy. and other memories, like how she insists on spelling uber like "oober" . she won't spell it any other way! lol good times that are past. well, i guess it only hurts to dwell on the past. but everything happens for a reason. that i believe with all my heart. i wish that i hadn't had to ruin a friendship for my life to take this path.but i have found that this path is where im meant to be for now. and smart person learns from their mistakes. so i'm learning, very slowly i admit.

so i doubt steph or dave will read this, but if they do, i hope they know that i really am sorry. please forgive my childish acts...

well, yeah... thats' all for now..

averagejane signing off.... (sorry.

more drama but it's all good!! :D

well, here i am...once again blogging my life to the whole world. well, making it available to the whole world, though probably only read by few...anyhoo, i'm babbling. but yeah, so things are interesting around the office. it's odd having everyone know about my dating life... and to have some rumors going around about me. like i just had my friend in the pumps dept. ask me if i was back with chris. and i so am not. cuz i don't want to get back in that drama with him. but at the same time i'm also wondering what i'm just doing overall. but my horoscope says to have a positive outlook on life today and that i can just relax. so i guess that means dont' worry and that things will work out... so here goes.

but so whats goin on in my life. well, the biggest thing right now is actually a date i have wednesday. well, big in the sense that it's the only thing i have going on and i really can't wait for it to be over. i'm goin on a date with darion on weds. he finally got the guts to ask me out and i said yes and am now regretting it... cuz he seems to think that we are boyfriend and girlfriend, though i specifically made sure he knew that we weren't. he called me four times one day in the space of two and a half hours, three of them in the space of an hour... and i was at work so i didn't answer them, plus i found out it was him so i didn't answer. but once i go out with him on weds. i don't have to again. cuz i will be busy and i will make plans that i absolutely cannot break for him... i know pathetic but it's how i get by!! :D

now, to the other stuff in my life....well i went and saw the movie "hairspray" and it was fantastic!!!! i wasn't so sure at first if i would like it cuz me and my sis actually went to see "becoming jane," but it was sold out!!! oh my we weren't expecting that! but hairspray was awsome! i recommend you all see it!

and...well, so my new crush at work. how are things with him.... well, he finally asked for my number on friday and we actually texted for a bit. but his charger was having issues so he never actually called me. well that is what he said. and for now i'm gonna believe him, but not put too much worry into if he calls me or what will happen between me and him. if it happens it happens. but, i really just need to keep my personal life, like my dating life, separate from work. i don't need more rumors and such goin on at work. i already have plenty from all of my dating chris shit...but yeah...

so i was talkin to cody just a bit ago. and then i came back to my desk cuz my break was over. and not five minutes later, cody comes up to me and says that another guy who works in warehouse, casey, saw cody and i talkin and was going to go tell chris that we had been talkin. that kind of pissed me off. and i guess it really pissed me off cuz i didn't think it was his business to go running to chris tellin him that me and cody had been talking, cuz that really depresses him for some reason. but its not like we're tryin to hide that we're talking. just if chris doesn't notice it, then why cause more drama and tell him? just common sense. but yeah the ppl here at work sometimes revolve around drama. it's funny sometimes, but damn annoying a lot lately. anyhoo, so i'm still gonna talk to cody, we're just gonna keep it on the DL. cuz why deliberately cause more drama? but yeah. i just dont' think its any body's business to spread rumors and shit. so i've definitely been keeping more of everything i hear to myself. i only will tell ppl stuff that i observe to be true with my own two eyes. i'm not gonna go spreading things i hear from others that i haven't seen for myself. that is what i'm gonna avoid. cuz i hate being in the middle of such.

well, i've babbled enough... lol :D but life is really not too bad at the moment! i will survive! lol totally thinkin of that song, "i'm a survivor, i'm gonna make, i will survive, keep on survivn..." lol its great!!!

averagejane signin off!!! (life is okay!! :D )

actin like a ditz and likin' guys@!!

well, let's just say things are gonna be interesting. well, at least i hope they will be. cuz i'm ready for something to happen.

so work was decent today. the morning actually began pretty good cuz i got the rest i needed and i was ready for work and anxious to see cody. so i got to work right at 8 am. like i'm supposed to. things all in all were a good morning. then sometime about just before my lunch break, i had something to deliver to Friz, back in the shipping office. i could have just thrown it through the window into the basket but i like to walk around every so often. and as an after bonus, i got to see cody. but so i went back into the office and put the paper on Friz's desk and as i walked in the office i noticed that cody and casey were in the office. i walked past them, put the paper down and went to walk out. on my way out cody said hi to me and asked how my day was. then i replied as i kept walking .and to explain somethin, the door to the shipping office is actually several strips of thick plastic. so when i went to walk out, i tried to part the strips. and turned out i missed one right in the middle. so as i walked out, half turning my face to reply, i knocked my glasses askew. it was silly. and i don't think cody saw. but i still felt like an idiot. turned out even if he did see, it didn't affect anything to do with me and cody.

later on about 3 pm, cody came up front and ate some peanuts while he talked to me. we just talked about random things in general. it was cool. and he asked how things were going with chris. and i told him that chris and i were talking. that i was trying to emphasize that we were just friends. and that i felt he was chilling and that things would be okay. cody seemed happy to hear that. he told me that he first told chris he wouldn't go out with me at all. but then he said he wouldn't go out with me until he (chris) was chill. but then cody told me that he'd give it another week or so, then he'd talk with chris if he wasnt' chill yet. cuz he said that chris was gonna be jealous of whoever i went out with... but i think we'll be okay. and cody said, then we can go on a date, then asked me, that is if you're still interested. and i joked a minute with him. and said, well, i'm not sure. then i said just kidding! i'm still interested. lol it felt really good to know he was still interested in me.

then the coolest news, and yet somewhat interesting news came from robert. i saw him and said hey what's up? and then somehow he mentioned something about the drama back in the warehouse. and i was like sounds like fun. and he told me, "you're the talk of the warehouse." and i said oh yeah, how? then he explained, "well, there's chris that talks about you, then art, and cody and george." and i asked, "how does george fit into this?" robert said," well, cody has to talk to george..." and i laughed. it was really funny... to be what the whole warehouse is talkin about...lol but then i got to thinkin. will the ppl just think of me as some person who just dates everyone? cuz first off i like robert, almost date him, then chris and i do actually date him. then now i like cody. i also thought of what my friend calls this girl that basically dated everyone in their school class. they say that she is like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn. i hope that no one thinks of me that way. but yeah. so that's my worries.

but i have to admit that i'd never thought a guy as amzingly cute and smart would like me. let's just say i'm the nerdy girl in school. that everyone will be friends with, but doesn't think of as more than a friend. bute here is this amzing guy. he's smart. and he doesn't like ppl to lie about themselves or to lie in general. he says he hates that more than anything. and he said that he's a bad boy ,and i'm a good girl, but that sometimes you just can't ignore the attraction. and he knows i'm a good girl of sorts, and yet he still likes me. and i can just be me. it's so cool. but things are good

but so things are going okay. and i can't wait to see cody tomorrow. but yeah..life's okay..
oh and i'm gettin my hair done special on saturday. i'll let you all know how it turns out.

average jane signing off! :D

thoughts at work...

so here i sit at work. and i'm in kind of a funk, of sorts. but it's hard to explain. but i need to write this all down. so here goes.

well, so today i've only once seen chris. and that was in the break room for lunch. and while it's to be expected, i still was surprised i hadn't seen him all day until lunch. cuz it's like he's a constant presence in my life and at work. i'm always seeing him. but i do admit that he purposely would take the will call orders to come up and see me. but now, he isn't taking them, specifically i think to avoid me. i'm not entirely sure on that though. anyhoo, so i saw him in the break room. and at first i didn't talk to him and he didn't talk to me. it was kind of awkward, and he was stomping around and being rough with things and seemed upset of sorts. then he stomped out of the break room and then came back with the movie moulin rouge. and we had talked about how i hadn't seen it so he told me that i'd have to borrow it some time. so i guess today was that sometime.

but so then i asked chris if he was okay. and he said he was. just a bit frustrated. he thought that cody was gonna move in tonight. but yeah. so he was frustrated about that. and our fertilizer room was not going right in the organizing they were doing. but the thing is that we talked and i told him about my date with darion that i am now regretting. as he called me four times yesterday in two and a half hour period. ugh!! but yeah.

so i'm just waiting for things to cool down with chris. because it's like things are at a standstill with cody and i. like we say hi. but that's about it. we really haven't talked since yesterday about all of that and him tellin me that he likes me. but i guess he's just been busy in the warehouse. they always seem so busy. cuz there are so many customers that need things pulled off the shelves. but yeah...

well, so as it comes near closing time, i have things i need to finish up, so i'll close this post. but just my random thoughts and feelings.....

averagejane signing off....(i'm in a weird mood)

yeah i'm silly

so i know that i just posted like a few hours ago. but i just have to say again that i was so freaking surprised when cody told me that he liked me and had for a while. and the fact that he had been nervous to approach me just makes me laugh and so giddy. cuz guys don't usually act that way around me. i was the smart one in school. and the way i talk sometimes was just a tad to specific and exact that would make the cute guys like cody go "huh?" but cody is not just a pretty face. he's smart. and he knows what makes a girl special and how to treat a girl. well, i hope that chris can mellow out and chill so that i can go out with cody a few times at least. but yeah.

so yeah well chris just texted me. and i think i might take this chance to make him see that we really just have to be friends and cool things off. so that way i can try to hurry along things and just let work not be so much drama...

anyhoo,
averagejane signing off! :D life is good.

boys and their silly ways... :D

so an update i believe is in order as so much has happened since i last wrote. well, not a lot, but quite some funny things.

so to begin, well, let's start with robert. well, so i mentioned last time that he asked if i had a boyfriend. well, that was thursday. then on friday. the 15th, he came up during the day and asked me how old i was. i told him,"18." then he kind of went, 'oh,' kind of like oh, that's young. but so i found it funny that now i was 18 yrs old, i was still too young in some sense for some things. lol. but, so i just was like whatever. then on monday, he really didn't say anything, and by the night when i went home, i was kind of like, whatever happens, i don't care. cuz it's not like i know the guy really well, and it's like we've barely talked as it is. but yeah... so then i went into work today. and let me preface myself by saying, robert had, i thought, one football jersey that he wears to work everyday, along with a baseball hat. but today, he wore a polo shirt that was blue and yellow striped. so i mentioned to him, 'so you wore something other than your football jersey? what, did you have to wash it?' i did this in a jokingly manner. he kind of laughed like, oh i had that coming. but he said he had several football jerseys that he wore. but he also wasn't wearing his hat. his hair was curly. it was cute. like he'd done his hair that morning, instead of just throwing on a hat over it. i must admit that i didn't recognize him at first without the hat and football jersey. it was terribly funny to me, when i realized that it was robert. he he... but so on to the other things that happened today. well, he came up to me once during the day and asked, 'so is 26 too old for you?' and i kind of was like, 'umm....no.' and he said 'it's too old for you..' i said 'no, it's not too old.' and he seemed satisfied. so then i found this altogether way too funny to keep to myself. so i went and told darren, a married guy like in his 30s or 40s that i work with. i told him all that had happened. and so he said, "so the next question is, 'so what are you doing thursday night?'" and i just laughed. so.... then robert came up later and asked me, ' if i asked you out, would you say yes, or would you say no?' and i told him i'd say yes. and he said, okay. then he went back to the ware house. then i told darren, 'the next question was, "if i asked you out, would you say yes or would you say no?"' and he just laughed. but then just before darren left he asked if robert had said anything. and i said no. so it's kind of funny... maybe tomorrow he might actually ask me out! :D that'd be funny...

but yeah. that's what's been going on in my life. nothing much else except for the fact that i've been driving my little sister crazy by watching pride and prejudice over and over, when i can. but lol it's been great.

so actually, theres a part of me still not sure about robert, like he's funny and cute, but i don't really know him yet and he doesn't really know me. but i guess if we went on a date we'd get a chance to know each other. that is if he ever does ask me on a date....hmm... well, we'll just have to see where this all leads...

average jane signing off...(robert makes me smile :D really big! )

not ready to grow up...

i've been thinking a lot about what Rose at work told me about maybe moving up into a new position. and she had said that i could either do a part time position with another lady or maybe do a full-time position. and i don't think i'm entirely ready to do a full time position. especially this summer. i still want time to hang with my friends. i just barely got out of high school. or will officially tomorrow. i want this summer to be one last fling before i continue on into the real world. i'm not really ready to grow up yet. as silly as that sounds... lol. but yeah. and i want time to see darion. cuz i can't stop thinking about him. and i want to hang with my little friends. i promised them i would. and in the fall, i am gonna tutor my friends so i need time to do that and go to school. so yeah

averagejane signing off....

a good movie, but better if i had my friend to share it with

so i went and saw pirates of the carribean 3 last night at 8pm!!!! can i just say amzing!!! it was so good. very well put together and so suspenseful! i was on the edge of my seat, literally, for at least half of the movie. and jack sparrow is a hoot! he keeps the movie running once again. my favorite line from him is "Nobody move! I lost my brain!!" lol you'll just have to see it to understand what i'm talkin about. oh and we got these free scarves that have a skull and cross bones on them that come from disneyland and cost $22.00 normally!!! they are so cool!! i'm wearing mine to school today to show it off. cuz i mean it's a shame to get it and not be able to wear it just cuz it's summer and warmish weather already! lol anyhoo, so that was awsome.

but also i came on to say that i miss my best friend, a lot. i miss how we used to talk about everything. and i know that i'm to blame for half of it falling apart. i need to just get over whatever unresolved issues i have with dave or steph. cuz i miss having her to talk to. and i'm sort of letting my pride get in the way of us being just friends again. like i'm not sayin i can be best friends again and trust her just as much. but i miss her as just a friend. i miss talking to her and telling her my good and bad stuff. and for the second time in the longest while, my mom said something that actually was something i could use. she said that sometimes you just need to renegotiate a relationship. because i think the hardest thing is that i want our relationship to be the same, when it's not. so maybe it's time to just start over and create a new relationship with steph as just friends, someone i can talk to. and actually not necessarily starting over. just reorganizing our friendship so that we don't keep making these stupid mistakes. cuz no matter how many times i say that oh i have other friends and that i can survive without a best friend, i still want steph as my friend. i want to be happy for her when she gets married. i want to be her best friend supporting her through whatever decisions she makes, even if i don't always agree. cuz that's what friendship is about. we've both made mistakes. we've both been at fault. and once again i let my pride get in the way. so i guess i'm just sayin that i miss steph a lot....

so maybe i'll print this out for her to read, cuz i know if i try to tell her it all, i'll probably just start crying. and i've already done enough crying....

anyhoo, i'm okay and i hope i can work things out...

averagejane signing off..
(oh ps. so i might get to move up in my job at steve regan. i'll explain later! )

never again...

right now the world could not be any worse. i feel like bawling and curling up in a ball and never going back out in the world. i now have truly and forever lost my best friend. we've been fighting and been out of sorts for months. but now it's come to an end for real. because we both have just given up. and i read her blog and she said she's given up. i never thought it would hurt so much to realize it for real, but it's like me heart is breaking into a million pieces. i didn't know that i was still holding onto a hope that it would all work out. but i guess this is it. somehow i'll find a way to mend my heart, but from now on i'm locking it up securely so that i can never have it broken again. never again. ever.

so for today i will cry and then tomorrow i have to move on. there's no way to repair a friendship that both have given up on. so now i need to just give up, for real. it's not like i can bear to talk to her without fear of falling apart and bawling. and i hate more than anything, falling apart in from of people. so i guess this is truly the end.

my life starts over tomorrow.

averagejane signing off..