what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

so the thing i thought wouldn't happen, at least for a year or so, happened. somehow my mom knows what happened between me and him...she confronted me about it this morning...and i have to admit it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. but it still was like i thought it would be in some part. she's disappointed in me. but that i can handle. i'm used to ppl being disappointed in me. i just learn to brush it off and move on with life, living the best that i can. she wanted to know if i wanted to rectify it all with god and church.(as much as i say i believe in god now, i still wonder...to be honest) those reading this who are lds and know that situation, know what all that entails. i told her no, i didn't want to. because a part of me is still trying to pull myself together, not crying at night wondering if he's okay. wondering if i'm okay. a part of me still wants to be with him. but it takes most of what i have to remind myself why i broke it off. why i can't do this. and it takes most my resolve to just wake up each morning determined to be okay. to make sure i don't let things get me down. to prove to myself that i'm okay. to prove to myself i'm worth jsut starting again and finding my way through life. cuz i have things i need to do...i know i say this a lot. but i have to stay away from relationships to focus on my goals. i mean i still flirt and will date. but, i won't let my heart get involved in them. i won't let anyone get that close. i've got plans and i'm not deterring from them anymore. this is why i'm really making an effort in my classes this semester and keeping on top of things. i have things that won't go anywhere if i don't get through college. but mostly i have to prove that i can get through college. that i am mature enough to be in the "real world". somedays i seriously wonder though...but i'm making it work. i'm slowly growing up. but yeah...

now don't take the above as i'm not okay. i really am working towards it. i don't mean to bitch and try to say my life is hard. well, it is some days. but that's mostly from my decisions. but i wouldn't take back anything. it's making me a stronger person. he asked me if i regretted him. i told him. i may regret what i let myself do with him...but i'll never regret him. never. he is a part of my life...a part that helped me learn more about myself and put me on the path to making me stronger. i will never regret him. i'm stronger now.

average jane signing off...

just a cycle

days come and go...weeks pass slowly, and you find yourself starting a new routine...spend work wishing to be with that special someone...desperately needing a look to tell you they feel the same way...wanting just one moment alone with them...while at the same moment you look at them and remember the past few days and just become confused...torn between emotions...whether you give into your feelings or pull back from the hurt...do you just let it all go on, just all in the game of love...do you listen to your head telling you let go, back off, or do you listen to your heart telling you love is worth it all...what really matters anymore...

spend the days going from work to school...call him up, talk about school...be with him for hours...miss one day without him...your life is off...go to bed, think about him, dream about him...come to work...all just a misunderstanding...thought you didn't care to call...simple mistake, all is okay. or so it seems...for who really knows...find yourself wanting to just spend all your time with that special someone...your parents make comments as to their opinion...get the hint and move on to just being in the background...looking at you with that look in their eyes... the one thats shows disappointment, concern pity...look away, can't bear to see it...don't want to see the hurt, making it seem personal...put up the mask, don't look...just pass the days making polite...

good days...bad days...what do ppl around you really see...do they see the bad, or just simply wish it away cuz they can't handle it...do they even see the pain until it's glaring in their face...they show concern...act they care...why now...think they can help...you don't see them much during normal days...days with no drama, no hurt, just life...but why do they make things worse than they really are...why offer help when you say don't bother...what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...helps you learn to lean on that one person that really cares...that one you want to spend your life with...but then you come back to that circle of doubt and joy once again...

seems you're stuck in a neverending cycle...even though looking back it's only been a month or few...you can't seem to find where it really began...cant seem to find an end...or can you not see the ned because you fear it...don't know who you are anymore or who you've become...finding yourself and your worth in that one person...wanting to break free from the hurt...but fear losing the true happiness you have felt with them...lost, stuck in a web, can't figure it all out...

the day comes to a close once again...you lay and wonder why...just why...why does he love you? why you? why did it all have to be this way...

averagejane gone for now...

hard things to do...

i just did one of the hardest things for myself just now. it took a great deal of courage to do it. but i can't explain now. i will in about a week or so. cuz in doing so it will let out things i don't want to tell of at the moment. but it was hard. and i don't even know why i'm writing this, but i am. cuz i really would have rather not do it. but i know it would make a friend incredibly happy. so i did it. and i hope it all works out.

in my situation at work, i just had the most random thought. i behaved similarly to how chris is acting now, as when i did with steph and dave. i was just gettin mad at chris and casey for buttin into my business, when that is just what i did in steph and dave's case. that was none of my business. i should have just stated how i felt and left it at that. they seem happy together. and i should have jsut left it at that. but no i had to be childish and just be oober jealous that steph was spending more time with dave than me. and i guess that's just how it goes. i admit i was jealous. i felt that steph was abandoning me and choosing dave over me. and she was choosing to be with dave. so we both played a part. but i definitely acted childish in my actions. so here i apologize once again steph and dave for all that i've done. i should've butted out. sorry...i don't expect us to be friends in the near future at all, but at least maybe we can just let this settle and talk civily to each other. i guess it took me having a similar situation to see that i was acting almost as childish as chris.

you know, this year has been a time of growing up. especially this summer...i'm learning to take responsibility like in my job, and i'm learning that i acted really childish in some things. time to be more grown up. time to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. way stupid. but i have to say that there hardly is a day that goes by that i don't wish i still had steph to talk to, to hang out with. i'll do or hear little things that remind me of some fun thing me and steph did. like how she was green and i was red. and last christmas, her gift said to red from green. or the one night that she was driving me home at like 2 in the morning. we were at a stoplight and it was red. she was saying, "red! red! red! red! " trying to get it to change so we could go and i was like "don't you mean green?" lol we bust up laughing cuz we were so tired and giddy. and other memories, like how she insists on spelling uber like "oober" . she won't spell it any other way! lol good times that are past. well, i guess it only hurts to dwell on the past. but everything happens for a reason. that i believe with all my heart. i wish that i hadn't had to ruin a friendship for my life to take this path.but i have found that this path is where im meant to be for now. and smart person learns from their mistakes. so i'm learning, very slowly i admit.

so i doubt steph or dave will read this, but if they do, i hope they know that i really am sorry. please forgive my childish acts...

well, yeah... thats' all for now..

averagejane signing off.... (sorry.

it scares the hell outta me...

so i guess, maybe it is time to grow up....i would have been offered the full time position at steve regan, if i hadn't told rose two seconds before that i was thinkin of going just part time...if i had said nothing, i think rose might have offered me the job. yet because i said something, i'll only be covering until she can find a replacement. and the more i think about goin back to just filing afterwards, i can't do that. i can't have a great job like that, and then go back to filing. i got to really talking to my mom last night about all of this, and it really got me thinking. i thought about how i have so many dreams. so many things i want to do. and how i won't have enough money for college. i also talk about how i won't ever let a man stand in the way of my dreams and goals. yet, here i am not wanting to give up my summer just in case a guy i like wants to hang out. i need to just forget him and move on. it's time. another thing. thinking about growing up scares the hell outta me. i want to move on, but at the same time, i dont' want to accept all the responsibility of growing up. it literally scares the hell outta me, as i said before. and in considering taking this job, i have so many doubts. like maybe i'd be doing the wrong thing, maybe i'd be making a big mistake. but i know that i would regret it if i didn't at least give the job a chance. like my mom said, i know what i'm going into with this job already. unlike some other job i might get. and i already love the job. also, i need the money to get a car and pay for college. rose starts advertising for the position on sunday. so i have to think fast about this and see if i can do it. cuz i know that i would like to have it. but i have to just try, because i dont' ever want to look back and regret not having done something. i never want to look back and say i should have done that. life is about choices and what choices we make determine the kind of ppl we become. so here i go. it's time to grow up. even though i am scared to death.

average jane signing off...wish me luck...

learning just not to expect anything...

so i just got off the phone from talking to my brother. i guess it was kind of cool to hear from him. but at the same time kind of just reminding me that he's not the same brother i knew before he left. he's changing and it kind of hurts to know that. like i guess technically it's not a bad thing. he's getting more churchy. and i love him to pieces, but i just wanted a normal conversation with him and he couldn't leave the conversation at that. he had to finish the conversation telling me how important the gospel is and that we have to do it together as a family to be together in the end. and it's great that he's got so much conviction, but i really don't want to hear it.

and what really irks me about the last call is that i got work off to talk to him, and i got a lousy five minutes before my dad interrupted and had my mom talk. i wasn't done talking. and the majority of that five minutes was eric asking me to get him some cds. i felt like it was pointless to even be there. and it didn't seem like my brother really cared that mom interrupted me. it made me mad and hurt. that's why i almost didn't talk to him this time. i hate that my parents basically didn't even care.

but on top of all this drama, i just feel like i've been losing a good friend, and that i'm just getting my hopes up to high when it comes to my love life. i have too high of expectations and i just learned that i need to just not expect anything when it comes to guys. i keep setting up myself to be disappointed. kind of a pattern in my life. a pattern i am now stoping. i have learned my lesson. no more will i expect anything of guys. cuz i can't take it anymore.

and the friend i mentioned. i don't know what to do or say anymore. it's like they are never there anymore. and i guess i wish things could go back to how they used to be. but at the same time, i don't want things to go back just to have them change again in a few months or so. cuz it's easier to just not expect much and then i won't be as hurt or disappointed. like i just finished talking to this friend, and you know, i don't care anymore. cuz maybe i am a selfish bitch in wanting this person to be here more for me. but, it just hurts that we had gotten so close, and then when they hooked up with someone, it seemed like they had not much time in their life for me. it hurt. still does. a part of me still wants it to change. a lot. because i miss them and how things used to be. but my head keeps telling me to not set myself up to be pushed aside again. so i'm just pushing this person aside. keeping myself from getting hurt. this person said that it seemed that i was finding any reason to be mad at them lately. and maybe i was, but only to avoid the real hurt, real reason. that's the fact that it hurts to feel abandoned. really bad. so yeah. that's out in the open. anyhoo, so my new thing. just not gonna expect anything anymore, it's just life. and it hurts. and right now i'm crying. yup. you read that right. i'm just sick of this. i'm done with it.

but don't worry i'll be okay. thanx to some good friends i have. nathan. just having you as a friend means the world. you could not possibly know how much it means to just know that you will always be here for me. even when i'm a whiny, selfish, crazy mess. *sad smile* and spencer. i know that there will be days when i don't talk to you. but you really have no idea how much it means. . . .

anyhoo, i'm done with this.

average jane signing off..(life's a bitch and then you die..)

letting go of what i've done, but happy memories

right now i'm jsut terribly sick of hearing all those love stories of girls and their boyfriends. well, maybe it's just my friends' stories i'm sick of. i hate hearing how happy they are and all the details. maybe it's cuz i'm bitter that my love life basically sucks...cuz sure i have guys that possibly things could happen with, but right now, nothing is happening. that is cuz i don't see darion much during the week... like somedays i see him at lunch time, sometimes walking home from school. and i really want to see him and talk to him, maybe i'm getting my hopes up too high... cuz i still don't know that he meant i love you in more than friendship way. i'll definitely get to him tomorrow. cuz he's always at church lately. it's the one thing i look forward to on sundays, seeing darion. he makes me laugh, makes me happy...most of the time. he can get on my nerves a bit, like everyone else. but overall we're good.. and i know this whole moping over darion is getting old so i'll move on...

well yesterday was state choir competitions. graces got all 1s. concert choir got two 1s and a 1-. yeah graces kick butt!!!! :D

but also yesterday i went and played some ultimate frisbee. well, i tossed around a frisbee with ryan thatcher, but i didn't actually play in the game. maybe next friday i will. i just have to get better with the whole game... i found out that i can catch okay, but my throwing could be improved... a lot! :D lol it was fun though, even though my butt is sore...probably from running and actually doing something instead of just sitting and watching a movie on a friday night! it really was cool and we were there until like 11 pm. fun stuff...

but unfortunately i have to work today. ugh at lambert floral. but i'm working from 11am to 6pm when they close. i'm leaving right after the last person leaves. i don't plan on staying around to help! yeah right, i did that last time. stayed to help. and i was there until almost 7 pm. naw i need to come home and rest.

oh and the other day i had this amzing conversation with my friend jay hansen. i was walking home from school and caught up to him. and we really talked like he and i havent' in a while. it was cool cuz i felt a new connection with him, like i hadn't felt in who knows how long. cuz we've both just kind of been caught up in school and friends and other stuff. but it was way good...cuz after we parted at my house, he's like, "i'll see you again soon, right?" i replied "most definitely." because i like talking to jay. he's really a great guy.

anyhoo, i have to just say that it's been an interesting week. i really haven't talked to a friend much this week, cuz i guess it just seems she's always with her boyfriend, and maybe that's not true, but i guess i just feel that way. maybe thats why i feel like i'm kind of just going back to how i was junior year. i had a lot of great friends, but the best i had was nathan... and i guess the reason i'm back to how it was in junior year...is cuz i know that nathan'll always be there to talk to if i need to. i know that is not gonna change. anyhoo, i'm gettin mushy and i really hate that some times... but life is okay. i survive. and right now i really do like that new linkin park song i posted. it's a song about just washing away all the crap of the world. it's about taking away what i've become and jsut starting new...i wish i could do that. but anyhoo, i've babbled enough...

average jane signing off...

i'm having a day from hell...

today was literally a day from hell....but it didnt' start that way. it was okay. i got to read my book, gossamer, in seminary. then i went to choir and i actually had fun in concert choir. the songs we were learning were finally starting to come together in my mind.... and it felt great. and we finished up about 10:20 am. then mrs. t, my choir teacher, asked to see me for a minute. and so i went into her office and we talked. she told me that i had come to her to talk once and so now she needed to talk to me. she told me that she was incredibly hurt yesterday when i was unwilling to try and change my time to donate blood, which i ended up not being able to anyways.... but she said she harbored feelings (her words not mine) all day about that and couldn't stop thinking about it. she had asked me the previous day in our class to try and switch to donating blood during the period i TA for her, but i told her i couldn't because i needed to use that time for homework... i was really behind and needed to make up some work. so back to today. she told me that for the past 3-4 weeks she had let me do what i wanted when during my TA period, but she had asked for one day and i couldn't give her that. i didn't get the chance to tell her that i would have gladly any other day, but this happened to be one day i just couldn't. i needed to pass the class i had homework for. anyways, then she told me that she had really needed me there yesterday, that the girls needed me there. i told her that i don't really feel that she notices when we were gone. and she got defensive and said that she does notice, and asked me if i didn't notice that she pulled aside the latecomers. and i gave her that. she does that....but when we're gone it's not like she makes much of it. she only makes a big deal when all of our 1st sopranos are finally all there( this is a rare occurence by the way..) anyways ( oh and during this i myself was getting kind of defensive and that was wrong. i needed to cool down.) but also, somewhere in this conversation i must have gotten pretty hyped up, cuz mrs. t said that i was shooting daggers at her with my eyes and that i needed to calm down... and i did, cuz i wasn't meaning to do that. but then at one point in our conversation i tried to tell her something and i must have raised my voice a little, because all of the sudden she said, "don't yell at me, cuz i can't take that." and i said to her, " i'm not yelling at you." cuz i wasn't....and she told me to stop yelling, again. and so i said, "T, you deserve respect as my teacher, but i can't take this.." so i opened her office door and turned to leave. she grabbed my arm to keep me in there and told me to stay. but i pulled my arm away and left the classroom. she followed me into the hall and called after me...i thought she might catch up to me so i began to run down A-hall. she called after me saying, "amy let's take this to the principal..." i said ," i'm not talking about this and i ran down f-hall into the girls bathroom. i stayed there for five minutes then went out in the commons area. i waited to see if she'd come find me. but she didn't. the good thing was my friend kara came out to see if i was okay. her concerned face broke me. i told her, no i was not okay. she gave me a big hug and i cried for a second. then i told her that t's being a bitch. and she knowing how t's been acting, was like no surprise.... but then she got my stuff out of the classroom, cuz i wasn't about to go back in right then. but that's the most of the drama..

so then at lunch i was hungry but couldnt find the motivation to make myself eat. food sounded disgusting. so i just sat at my table. i heard rumors later that a couple of other choir friends of mine were giving me looks of disgust as to how i was treating T. but they just don't get it. i confronted one of them around the last period of the day and told her i'd heard rumors that she was giving me dirty looks. she just rolled her eyes, not denying it....and i told her that if she had issues to tell me to my face cuz i didn't need to hear it from others. and i told her i was tired of t's shit and all the shit i was getting from others... looking back now, i realize i was really harsh, and i regret that, but i don't regret what i said. i'm tired of being the bad guy, of losing friends. guess they weren't really my friends to believe me....it sucks.

so now i've lost some friends cuz of this whole mess. and i know i was partly in the wrong. i should have held my temper better. i tend to lose it. but i don't regret a word i said. i meant every word with all of my heart. i don't need to sit by and just take this anymore. that's it. but i also will be telling cami sorry for reacting how i did, but that i still meant what i said. i will also tell T, if she tries to talk to me, that we have nothing to talk about until she apologizes. i will probably say that i was wrong in running away, literally. i should have jsut walked away like a normal person. it was childish to run. totally childish and i'm an adult now. but i don't regret what i said. not at all. T needs to realize that right now choir is not the most important thing. i need to focus on my other classes in order to pass them and graduate....this is stress i so don't need.

anyhooo, yeah it really sucked but i'm okay for now.

average jane signing off....