hard things to do...

i just did one of the hardest things for myself just now. it took a great deal of courage to do it. but i can't explain now. i will in about a week or so. cuz in doing so it will let out things i don't want to tell of at the moment. but it was hard. and i don't even know why i'm writing this, but i am. cuz i really would have rather not do it. but i know it would make a friend incredibly happy. so i did it. and i hope it all works out.

in my situation at work, i just had the most random thought. i behaved similarly to how chris is acting now, as when i did with steph and dave. i was just gettin mad at chris and casey for buttin into my business, when that is just what i did in steph and dave's case. that was none of my business. i should have just stated how i felt and left it at that. they seem happy together. and i should have jsut left it at that. but no i had to be childish and just be oober jealous that steph was spending more time with dave than me. and i guess that's just how it goes. i admit i was jealous. i felt that steph was abandoning me and choosing dave over me. and she was choosing to be with dave. so we both played a part. but i definitely acted childish in my actions. so here i apologize once again steph and dave for all that i've done. i should've butted out. sorry...i don't expect us to be friends in the near future at all, but at least maybe we can just let this settle and talk civily to each other. i guess it took me having a similar situation to see that i was acting almost as childish as chris.

you know, this year has been a time of growing up. especially this summer...i'm learning to take responsibility like in my job, and i'm learning that i acted really childish in some things. time to be more grown up. time to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. way stupid. but i have to say that there hardly is a day that goes by that i don't wish i still had steph to talk to, to hang out with. i'll do or hear little things that remind me of some fun thing me and steph did. like how she was green and i was red. and last christmas, her gift said to red from green. or the one night that she was driving me home at like 2 in the morning. we were at a stoplight and it was red. she was saying, "red! red! red! red! " trying to get it to change so we could go and i was like "don't you mean green?" lol we bust up laughing cuz we were so tired and giddy. and other memories, like how she insists on spelling uber like "oober" . she won't spell it any other way! lol good times that are past. well, i guess it only hurts to dwell on the past. but everything happens for a reason. that i believe with all my heart. i wish that i hadn't had to ruin a friendship for my life to take this path.but i have found that this path is where im meant to be for now. and smart person learns from their mistakes. so i'm learning, very slowly i admit.

so i doubt steph or dave will read this, but if they do, i hope they know that i really am sorry. please forgive my childish acts...

well, yeah... thats' all for now..

averagejane signing off.... (sorry.

more drama but it's all good!! :D

well, here i am...once again blogging my life to the whole world. well, making it available to the whole world, though probably only read by few...anyhoo, i'm babbling. but yeah, so things are interesting around the office. it's odd having everyone know about my dating life... and to have some rumors going around about me. like i just had my friend in the pumps dept. ask me if i was back with chris. and i so am not. cuz i don't want to get back in that drama with him. but at the same time i'm also wondering what i'm just doing overall. but my horoscope says to have a positive outlook on life today and that i can just relax. so i guess that means dont' worry and that things will work out... so here goes.

but so whats goin on in my life. well, the biggest thing right now is actually a date i have wednesday. well, big in the sense that it's the only thing i have going on and i really can't wait for it to be over. i'm goin on a date with darion on weds. he finally got the guts to ask me out and i said yes and am now regretting it... cuz he seems to think that we are boyfriend and girlfriend, though i specifically made sure he knew that we weren't. he called me four times one day in the space of two and a half hours, three of them in the space of an hour... and i was at work so i didn't answer them, plus i found out it was him so i didn't answer. but once i go out with him on weds. i don't have to again. cuz i will be busy and i will make plans that i absolutely cannot break for him... i know pathetic but it's how i get by!! :D

now, to the other stuff in my life....well i went and saw the movie "hairspray" and it was fantastic!!!! i wasn't so sure at first if i would like it cuz me and my sis actually went to see "becoming jane," but it was sold out!!! oh my we weren't expecting that! but hairspray was awsome! i recommend you all see it!

and...well, so my new crush at work. how are things with him.... well, he finally asked for my number on friday and we actually texted for a bit. but his charger was having issues so he never actually called me. well that is what he said. and for now i'm gonna believe him, but not put too much worry into if he calls me or what will happen between me and him. if it happens it happens. but, i really just need to keep my personal life, like my dating life, separate from work. i don't need more rumors and such goin on at work. i already have plenty from all of my dating chris shit...but yeah...

so i was talkin to cody just a bit ago. and then i came back to my desk cuz my break was over. and not five minutes later, cody comes up to me and says that another guy who works in warehouse, casey, saw cody and i talkin and was going to go tell chris that we had been talkin. that kind of pissed me off. and i guess it really pissed me off cuz i didn't think it was his business to go running to chris tellin him that me and cody had been talking, cuz that really depresses him for some reason. but its not like we're tryin to hide that we're talking. just if chris doesn't notice it, then why cause more drama and tell him? just common sense. but yeah the ppl here at work sometimes revolve around drama. it's funny sometimes, but damn annoying a lot lately. anyhoo, so i'm still gonna talk to cody, we're just gonna keep it on the DL. cuz why deliberately cause more drama? but yeah. i just dont' think its any body's business to spread rumors and shit. so i've definitely been keeping more of everything i hear to myself. i only will tell ppl stuff that i observe to be true with my own two eyes. i'm not gonna go spreading things i hear from others that i haven't seen for myself. that is what i'm gonna avoid. cuz i hate being in the middle of such.

well, i've babbled enough... lol :D but life is really not too bad at the moment! i will survive! lol totally thinkin of that song, "i'm a survivor, i'm gonna make, i will survive, keep on survivn..." lol its great!!!

averagejane signin off!!! (life is okay!! :D )

a public notice and just life...

okay so i was just accused of not publicly admitting that i have been in the wrong. i thought i had, but it appears maybe not. so here i go. these past few months, there has been turmoil between a former friend and i. but we were both in the wrong. first off, i felt like she was choosing her boyfriend over our friendship. so i became upset and defensive. which just put a bigger strain on our friendship. which was very stupid of me. i admit that i was in the wrong right there. very much so. and at other times i did act like a brat. again i was in the wrong. i was never the one who was always the good guy. but while i reacted like that, my friend just pulled farther away. we both avoided the issue. and in the end, it has killed our relationship. so basically we'll never speak again. this final end though came about by a stupid action on my part. but ya know, things happen in life for a reason. so i guess the only thing to do is to just move on. i think my former friend is serious this time. and i kind of yelled at her in an email, so that probably didn't help. and her fiance which i didnt' care to talk to anyways, well, i told to get out of my life. so i think that is the last i will hear from them. i hope my former friend is happy now that i have publicly admitted that i was in the wrong too. oh one last thought. i forgot to add this to her email, but i will add it here. sorry, my former friend, but i'm not sure you'll even read the first email so i won't bother with a second. i will keep my piercing in to remind myself that i must depend on myself and make a statement on my own. i made the choice by myself. so that's all i need say. now moving on.

so i'm finally getting over my sickness. and i'm loving my new job. and i'm really just moving on past guys and depending on ppl. i'm slowly finding that i really only have myself to depend on. so yeah. tha's life. well, i g2g. life moves quickly.

average jane signing off.

disappointed no more

let me just say i hate life. i just let myself be disappointed time and time again. i tell myself not to set myself up to be disappointed, yet i don't listen to myself. yet again i let myself be excited for plans made with my best friend. and yet again i was disappointed. this is not to be a criticism to anyone. this is simply my thoughts and feelings. i set myself up for disappointment. again. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. and in more situation than one this weekend.

so here's my weekend. so graduation on saturday for travel and tourism. pretty cool. i get fun cords to wear for real graduation. and the food was good afterwards. :D so then after that i had to go to a family reunion. ugh. the only fun part was i got to play with my little cousin timmy. he's a cutie. and man can he talk! :O lol but then i went home and took a bubble bath to relax, then a shower to wash my hair. but i found i didn't have time to blow my hair dry, so i just scrunched it into curls and let it dry that way. really looked terrible. but anyhoo, i took a jello to our party at crowther's house (my teacher). and it ended up i was the only one who ate it. so it melted while it just sat there. and my friend left early so i kind of just sat around and ppl watched. anyhoo, so i left around 7:30pm. then i went to my car, and as i was walking, my jello leaked out of its pan cuz i was holding it funny. ended up leaking in my car. a mess to clean up. so i was ticked off by the time i got home. then, i called my friend to see if she had gotten back from the ball/dinner thingy she went to with her boyfriend. she didn't answer. i called three times by the time it was 8:30 and still no answer. and i was hurt. cuz she had told me it was our night. we were gonna do something. but guess not. (didn't even call back that night). anyhoo, so i decided to go to the region dance. didn't even know there was one until that night. so i spent a half-hour figuring out where it was. then i got there and i found darion. well, after i hung out with meisha and alexis for a bit. and we talked a bit, joked around. and i got him to dance one slow dance with me...:D (he hates dancing btw) but then he was back to his normal self of acting like we were just friends. and so once again i was disappointed. twice in a night. i went to the dance hoping to have some good music, good ppl and get in a better mood. ha...didn't work. but then i ended up flipping darion off twice that night. i really wasn't altogether really pissed off at him. it was more a combination of my friend earlier mixed with his childish mind games. but yeah. so it just sucks.

then today. my friend arrived late to class today. but she had good reason. no problem there. then she apologized for not answering her phone. i still don't know why she didn't answer. but then i explained to her that i had been hurt that we didn't hold to our plans. we were gonna do something. like maybe a movie or sumthin. nothing set, but we had planned it to be our night, or so i thought. and i didn't get angry or act mad. i just was hurt. kind of story of my life.

so i guess i need to stop fooling myself.and not to expect so much of others. out there in the real world, i won't have anyone. just me and me alone. i've learned that guys are not to be depended on. and learned to never like a guy younger than me. they're too immature. i thought darion would be different. but i guess not. silly me.

anyhoo, so from now on, i will focus on getting myself where i need to be in the world. no more expecting anything from ppl that are supposed to be best friends. i guess boys come over friendship...silly me. but from now on, i really am gonna change all this.

also, i was gonna not say anything to anyone. but i was gonna get a cell phone and service. but now it doesn't matter that i say anything. cuz i won't be getting one. what does it matter to have one if i dont have anyone to talk to? it's just a waste of money. this summer i'm gonna work to buy a car. that at least can get me somewhere. i can drive far away from utah. far away from those who disappoint. far away from anyone who knows me. i can get on my own and build my own life.

i don't know why i'm writing all this, as i don't care if anyone comments. i won't be reading them...but, i guess this time it's really just for me...

average jane signing off....

i'm having a day from hell...

today was literally a day from hell....but it didnt' start that way. it was okay. i got to read my book, gossamer, in seminary. then i went to choir and i actually had fun in concert choir. the songs we were learning were finally starting to come together in my mind.... and it felt great. and we finished up about 10:20 am. then mrs. t, my choir teacher, asked to see me for a minute. and so i went into her office and we talked. she told me that i had come to her to talk once and so now she needed to talk to me. she told me that she was incredibly hurt yesterday when i was unwilling to try and change my time to donate blood, which i ended up not being able to anyways.... but she said she harbored feelings (her words not mine) all day about that and couldn't stop thinking about it. she had asked me the previous day in our class to try and switch to donating blood during the period i TA for her, but i told her i couldn't because i needed to use that time for homework... i was really behind and needed to make up some work. so back to today. she told me that for the past 3-4 weeks she had let me do what i wanted when during my TA period, but she had asked for one day and i couldn't give her that. i didn't get the chance to tell her that i would have gladly any other day, but this happened to be one day i just couldn't. i needed to pass the class i had homework for. anyways, then she told me that she had really needed me there yesterday, that the girls needed me there. i told her that i don't really feel that she notices when we were gone. and she got defensive and said that she does notice, and asked me if i didn't notice that she pulled aside the latecomers. and i gave her that. she does that....but when we're gone it's not like she makes much of it. she only makes a big deal when all of our 1st sopranos are finally all there( this is a rare occurence by the way..) anyways ( oh and during this i myself was getting kind of defensive and that was wrong. i needed to cool down.) but also, somewhere in this conversation i must have gotten pretty hyped up, cuz mrs. t said that i was shooting daggers at her with my eyes and that i needed to calm down... and i did, cuz i wasn't meaning to do that. but then at one point in our conversation i tried to tell her something and i must have raised my voice a little, because all of the sudden she said, "don't yell at me, cuz i can't take that." and i said to her, " i'm not yelling at you." cuz i wasn't....and she told me to stop yelling, again. and so i said, "T, you deserve respect as my teacher, but i can't take this.." so i opened her office door and turned to leave. she grabbed my arm to keep me in there and told me to stay. but i pulled my arm away and left the classroom. she followed me into the hall and called after me...i thought she might catch up to me so i began to run down A-hall. she called after me saying, "amy let's take this to the principal..." i said ," i'm not talking about this and i ran down f-hall into the girls bathroom. i stayed there for five minutes then went out in the commons area. i waited to see if she'd come find me. but she didn't. the good thing was my friend kara came out to see if i was okay. her concerned face broke me. i told her, no i was not okay. she gave me a big hug and i cried for a second. then i told her that t's being a bitch. and she knowing how t's been acting, was like no surprise.... but then she got my stuff out of the classroom, cuz i wasn't about to go back in right then. but that's the most of the drama..

so then at lunch i was hungry but couldnt find the motivation to make myself eat. food sounded disgusting. so i just sat at my table. i heard rumors later that a couple of other choir friends of mine were giving me looks of disgust as to how i was treating T. but they just don't get it. i confronted one of them around the last period of the day and told her i'd heard rumors that she was giving me dirty looks. she just rolled her eyes, not denying it....and i told her that if she had issues to tell me to my face cuz i didn't need to hear it from others. and i told her i was tired of t's shit and all the shit i was getting from others... looking back now, i realize i was really harsh, and i regret that, but i don't regret what i said. i'm tired of being the bad guy, of losing friends. guess they weren't really my friends to believe me....it sucks.

so now i've lost some friends cuz of this whole mess. and i know i was partly in the wrong. i should have held my temper better. i tend to lose it. but i don't regret a word i said. i meant every word with all of my heart. i don't need to sit by and just take this anymore. that's it. but i also will be telling cami sorry for reacting how i did, but that i still meant what i said. i will also tell T, if she tries to talk to me, that we have nothing to talk about until she apologizes. i will probably say that i was wrong in running away, literally. i should have jsut walked away like a normal person. it was childish to run. totally childish and i'm an adult now. but i don't regret what i said. not at all. T needs to realize that right now choir is not the most important thing. i need to focus on my other classes in order to pass them and graduate....this is stress i so don't need.

anyhooo, yeah it really sucked but i'm okay for now.

average jane signing off....