bad days, but will be resolved

okay, i totally feel like shit right now. i feel like just curling up in a ball and crying. but i can't i have to pull myself together and work. i still have a job, unlike a friend of mine...
i came to work this morning, in a decent mood. i was getting my new computer all hooked up. and i had to go to another store to get myself a connection cord. i came back and got it all hooked up. then my friend comes up to me...he tells me that he's been fired. i took one look at his face and knew it wasnt' a joke this time... my friend is a tough guy, but he looked like he was having a hard time keeping it together. it broke my heart to see...
then, i hear other details about why he was fired. and it seemed that he'd possibly been stealing from the store. and of course rumors went around that he had been doing drugs... really got to me that i was wondering what was all true. i had myself doubting him... but then i went up to him as he was gettin his stuff together. i told him all i had been hearing. and all that was being said about him. he looked me in the eye and told me that none of it was true. and i believe him. with all of my heart. i should know that art wouldn't be doing drugs or stealing. that is not him.

but then later that night i was at a halloween party with friends and i get a text from him askin if i was busy and if he could call. and i said that he could call. so he does and we talk for a bit. he really was still upset about being fired and all. he said that he was upset and just needed someone to talk to. i'm glad he could feel comfortable talking to me.

then saturday. i was hanging at home and he calls up and we talk a bit. then he asks me a random question. he said, "do you think i'm a bad person?" and i said, what makes you ask that? and he explained that he had had a falling out with a friend. and i told him that i didn't think he was a bad person at all... so it all will be okay. cuz i think he has another job lined up already. and we might hang out today.

average jane signing off...

ps. this was written in part on friday, oct. 26 and part on sun. oct. 28

settled relationships

so time for another update i guess. i don't really seem to have as much time lately to get on the computer and blog at work. but that's partly due to the fact that i have no computer at work for the moment... it kind of broke down. it was a dumb old used computer. but i should have one coming sometime this week. but yeah...

well, so things are definitely taking a turn for the better. it has been a weird two days. like everything seems to be happening all at once. last night art texted me first, not me texting him. and this is the first time this has ever happened. usually it is me initiating the conversation. then on top of that. he says that we really should go see a movie sometime this week. and i told him that we should and to tell me what day and i'll work it in to my schedule. almost immediately i get the text back that says thursday. wow. it was really crazy. that i got him to just really commit. and it's really funny. cuz it's set that we're gonna hang out! and then we were joking about something and we negotiated it to the fact that he owed me two movies... lol so it's really funny. at least to me.

so then i get to work and just kind of funny at work cuz art is still being nice. then, at the gut truck i'm lookin at the food options and i take a step back and step right on his toes! lol he jokes, "good thing i'm wearing my steel-toed shoes~!" lol good stuff. then art does his typical calling me up and talking like in a different voice. then he gets to the point. he asks me what i'm doin for lunch. and eventually gets to the fact that he's kind of asking me if i want to go the Parrothead Island Broiler for lunch. cuz i told him they had good food. lol so we go to lunch and of course everyone around steve regan co. (work) knows about it! lol yeah if shawna, the lady who covers my lunch breaks, knows about anything soon everyone at work will know. it's really more funny than annoying. but yeah. i had a good time with him. even though we didn't talk a whole lot, it wasn't an uncomfortable silence...it was cool. so tomorrow we are supposed to hang out!

oh and the cool thing also, i patched up my relationship with robert and just kind of redefined things. like i told him that i still stand on the fact that we can't have a relationship beyond friendship. and i'm glad that we talked. cuz he apologized for some things and i really have missed talking to him. cuz i feel as if i can really talk to him. it's kind of nice. so yeah life is stable again.

anyhoo...got to go. that is it for now.

averagejane signing off...

bite in the ass...

so my stupid decision to kiss a certain friend is comin back to bite me in the ass...i have this guy cody that is finally gonna ask me out. and as mentioned before a kiss is the bargaining chip. well, so i just got a text from cody saying , "You were going to make me take you out three times and you let ______ (name edited) kiss you at work thats weak." yeah so not my proudest moment. in fact, one of my stupidest decisions... and now it 's gonna ruin things. and i have an explanation for what i did, though it will never excuse what i did.

but at the same time when i interpret what cody said, i hope he's not saying that i should just kiss him whatever. cuz normally i don't do what happened between me and this other friend. i honestly wish i never had done it. sure i learned from it. but if i hadn't done it...well i guess then again, if i hadn't what would have stopped me from doing it otherwise? i would have still felt as if i had somethign to prove. but, now i know that that was something i never had to prove to anyone, let alone myself...

well, g2g cuz we are closing...

average jane signing off...

Edit : i came back and edited some things because i realized they shouldn't jsut be said...

speeding thoughts

well, so i know its weird but i'm bloggin again. but have you ever felt like you can just feel your life spinning out of control? that you need to do something to feel like you are in control? well, i always hear about how ppl are anorexic and don't eat because that may be the one thing in their life they can control. well, in my life, i just drive. i drive with no real direction. and the key to my driving is speed. i go fast and faster. last night i was driving home from my friend's house in sandy. and i was just driving down a basically empty freeway. and i almost got to 100 mph. i was around 95 mph. i like the speed cuz i prove to myself that on the turns or anything else that i can keep control. i love speed and the feel of the car dangerously speeding down the road. the risk of having the car going so fast. that at any turn it could spin out. but i have control...

that was how i was feeling last night and it contiues on somewhat to this morning. and the song today is "show me love", by t.A.T.u. again. (lyrics at http://artists.letssingit.com/tatu-lyrics-show-me-love-extended-version-w596wcd) but it just is my mood telling guys that make all these promises to me that they never fulfill. and right now i want the feeling that comes from having that special some one. cuz i'm just kind of in a rut in my life. or maybe not really a rut. but more that i have a facade that i put on for the whole world that never really is me. i find myself acting to please more often than not, as crazy as that my sound coming from me. i agree with ppl, cuz i want to fit in. i may put on this façade that i don't care. but i took this quiz about what my greatest fear is. and you think of the normal fears like spiders and the dark, and snakes. but this quiz hit it dead on. i may not like snakes or othre creepy crawlers. but my biggest fear is not being accepted. i rearely feel like i truly fit in anywhere. so if i let you in my life and if i truly consider you my best friend, then feel lucky. not that it's an honor or that i'm special or anything. just i have a hard time really letting ppl into who i am. for what i post here is merely the surface of what is me. and i guess sometimes i define myself by who i'm with. like they define how i act and who i talk to. it's complicated. but yeah... now i've babbled long enough.

average jane signing off

A humongous update!! :D

a lot has gone on recently. i guess i've just been too lazy to tell it all...so now i have the time plus the motivation.

so, friday was an interesting day that began most of it. that would be october 5th. the day of my friend steph's wedding. well, so after work and in between going to her reception, i went to walmart with my sister. while there i saw my friend, jay funk, who i haven't really seen or talked to in like a year or so. he lives in my neighborhood, but because we both have lives and he has a full time job at desert star, where i used to work, we rarely see each other. but i have to admit that i really had a crush on him while i worked with him. he's only like 3 or 4 yrs. older than me. and seeing him again made me realize that i still have a crush on him. and can i jsut say that he gives great hugs!! i could just melt in his hugs... but we talked a bit and then i had to go. but we exchanged phone numbers...

so then it was time for stephs reception. so i threw on a skirt, then went to harmons for a card. it took me forever to find the right one that didn't seem all formal and old people-ish. and finally i found the perfect one. it said something along the lines of " i now pronounce you pookie and shnookums." and on the inside,"awww..." that totally fit steph and dave. cuz there was a time when steph was trying out pet names for dave. and we had names like shnookums and such. it was a riot. and dave's face each time we tried a new name was funny... lol so i got that card. then i went to the reception. i managed to get there right when steph was throwing the bouquet. she saw me come in and yelled at me to get over there. lol so i thought okay i can do this. cuz i have to admit that i was terribly worried how things would be. so then i kind of stepped back while the whole wedding group got some pics taken. and i was gonna go sit down at a table. but then looking over, i knew maybe two ppl there. and i wasn't sure how things were with them. and that's when i started to get teary eyed. cuz it was weird that a place that i used to feel was like my second home, now i felt so out of place in. and that's one of the worst things for me is to feel out of place. or not accepted. but the second thing didnt' apply this time.

so then i went through the line, and i gave sharon, steph's little sister a hug. then i went to stephs parents. and they made me feel good all over. cuz her dad is just like, "hey amybird!" (that name is an inside joke, that turned to our special thing) and then he acted like we had never met and said, "hi i'm the father of the bride," then turning to his wife, "and this is my wife." lol i shook their hands and played along with it. i love stephs parents beyond anything. they are my fav. but then i talked to steph and then on to dave's mom. she introduced herself and said that she thought she might have met me before. and i said yeah that i'd hung out with dave sometimes at their house. i didn't think it tactful to mention i had gone out with him, seein as he just got married. not that it mattered that we dated as we really just ended up friends. but yeah. then i talked to nathan, my bestest friend who was the best man. and i said and you are? and he introduced himself like we had never met. then he gave me a hug and said, "i don't normally hug strangers, but i have a feeling abt this." lol that really made me laugh. we chatted a minute then i just had to go. cuz i guess i had come hoping that everything would be back to normal. somehow. but then just being there and seeing how happy steph was, was just a reminder that nothing would be the same anymore. so neeedless to say, by the time i got to the parking lot, tears were streaming down my cheeks. i've always wondered abt when they say tears streaming down their cheeks. well, that's how it was. the tears just came. and i guess i made it worse driving home cuz i had a song playing called "for good" from the musical wicked. and one part really hit me. there is a part that says, (Elphaeba singing) "and just to clear the air i ask forgiveness for the things i've done you've blamed me for." (Glinda) "but then i guess we know there's blame to share, " (both) "and none of it seems to matter any more." so that reminded me of how steph and i had realized that we both had made stupid decisions and that ended our friendship. and i guess i wish i could say it doesn't matter anymore. but the fact is it does. cuz, nothing will be the same again. and i lost a best friend. and no matter how i try things wont' be the same. and a good portion of that is due to how i've changed over the summer. i have made more friends. but not to say they will ever replace my friendship with steph, but i've adapted and no longer will ever have one sole friendship that i rely on. cuz if things go sour, then it won't hurt as much, cuz it's not like my whole life is with that person.

well, now i got off on a tangent... so as i was driving home, i found out that my friend jay has a girlfriend so i was like oh. whatev. then i get a random text from my friend art. well, to make a long story short, he asked if i had a crush. and i told him i had two. and then he asked who they were. then asked if he were one of them. and so i told him that yes he was. and turns out he kinda likes me too. but i guess he's worried a bit about the whole dating some one from work. so yah. but i ran into him at walmart on saturday. and my sister was with me and she said that he definitely likes me! lol so that boosted me. but then when i came to work on monday, it was just like things were normal. but yeah. we might hang this weekend.

so then i hung with holly on sunday night and we just had a talk abt art and life and everything else. it was good. and i think what i really needed. good times... :)

but then lets see...oh the point of the above paragraph. well, while hangin with holly i was texting a friend cody. and then at one point i told him abt holly and he said i should hook them up. then i told him to ask chris about holly. so then he actually asked someone else about holly and they told cody she wasnt cute at all. and i got offended. so between this on monday and last night, tuesday, cody got the idea that i was mad at him, when i'm not. i'm just kind of mad at the person who said this abt. holly, most likely cuz she's a bit overweight, but freakin gorgeous, i think. anyhoo, so he texts me last night abt all this. well, so i tell him i'm not mad at him. and clear up this misunderstanding. then he said, btw you owe me a massage. and this was all from an earlier conversation. so i said, lol i'll give you that massage when you finally ask me out! ( cuz he keeps saying he'll ask me out. but just makes excuses.) then he replied, i'll ask you out if you dont deny me when i kiss you. so i replied, well i might be able to make that compromise...we'll see if you ask me out! so then he said, If you promise ill ask you out this weekend. so that totally caught me off guard. cuz he's been making excuses for weeks and now he's saying that he'll ask me out this weekend. so i had to think for a bit and acutally got advice from holly. so what i ended up telling him that i wouldn't deny him if he kissed me. but i told him if that's all he wanted from me then i would deny him. cuz i don't get down like that. never again. so we have that settled. but he has yet to ask me out. but if he doesnt' ask me out by thursday, i'll say no cuz i'll have plans of some sort. so as not to appear easy. cuz i'm not.

so yeah. that's abt what is all happening!! wow, that's a lot. so yeah...

well, there is this group called t.A.T.u. that i absolutely love and i just got their first CD. cuz i like it best. and there is this song called "all the things she said." and it's the song on my mind now cuz my mind keeps goin over everything art and cody said. like i don't think i like cody much anymore, except that he's cute and can be nice. and it would be fun to go out with him... but yeah... i'm just looking for casual dating. and it would be that with cody.
so yeah...

average jane signing off..

ps. btw cody smells really good, today especially. lol he just walked past me...mmmm..

EDIT: so after posting this all, i just had somethin else i was reminded to post. cuz i have to say that there is actually one guy that i like but dont' pursue anything with beyond friends. cuz he's already got a girlfriend. and she's so nice and sweet that i wouldn't think of even doin anything to get between them even if i could. (his name is casey, btw) but he's just way cute and just the right look that really makes me sigh. then art also has that look too...but just not the same as casey...*sigh*

Cool personality test

The 5-Factor IPIP Personality Test

My Result: Inspirational

You inspire others around you with your creative energy and thirst for new experiences. You are exceptionally curious and aren't afraid of learning new things — which is probably because you tend to focus on the potential positive outcome of any experience rather than dwelling on the potential negatives. You are a true explorer in the word. You want to understand and experience it all, and you're especially open to new feelings and ideas.

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i love life! he hee

so, the funniest thing happened yesterday. so i was at work and my dad comes in to tell me they had dropped off the car for me to get home, cuz they had dropped me off at work. but then my mom comes in and says she thought she might as well see where i work while she's here. so of course i have to introduce her to all my wonderful friends at work. so i take her to pumps dept. to meet callie, and i tell my mom callie is my favorite. but then my dad who has already met most everyone says that i have to have mom meet Art, a guy back in pumps dept. who is a good friend and i kind of have a crush on. so, i go back to the shop to see if hes there, but he isn't. so then i just come back to my desk. like two minutes later, he calls up to my phone and i tell him to stay where he is that i want my parents to meet him. so i go back there and they all meet...

well, then my parents leave cuz they have places to be. but then like 20 min. later, my friend callie comes up to me and says that she is in trouble now. and i ask her what she'd done now. she told me that she had said to Art that my parents had come just to meet him! lol lol so then she said that he blushed. then asked if callie was serious. callie said yeah. then he kind of smiled. so i later questioned more about the smile. and she said that it was an "oh-she-likes-me" smile. then i asked if it was an "oh, awkward, she likes me" smile or an "oh-she-likes-me-pleased" smile. and callie said it was definitely a pleased "oh-she-likes-me" smile! lol

totally made my day. well, that's all.

average jane signing off! :D