Hey...

so, anyone still watching my blog may be surprised to see that I am posting, after almost a year... i know. it's crazy. but, i've just had a pretty good day. one that has really struck me to come attempt to blog once again. also, one will notice that i have revamped my blog design. i'd say it was definitely about time. after the past year, i feel that a new start,of sorts, is in order.

to begin to explain, i saw my longtime friend from Cali tonight. it has been three years since we last were together. and yet, the time has flown and i cannot believe it has been that long. it feels like just yesterday we were developing our friendship, making jokes about being Mr. Collins and Cousin Elizabeth. :) those were some good times. one of the best times of my life. one where i knew where i stood. didn't have to worry about silly things like house payments ;) lol you never know how good you really have it when all you have to worry about is clothes and the occasional meal to pay for. no responsibilities beyond a job and/or school.

but i'm not saying that i want to get rid of my responsibilites that i have now. i really do enjoy my life, but i miss the person i let myself be back then. i need to find a way to incorporate my adventurous and carefree spirit into a life often dictated by responsibilties. i need to find out how to let go once in a while. thankfully, i got a chance tonight. i sat and laughed with friends, talked about the good times of high school, and watched my husband look at me like i was crazy ;) lol i had some good times. and most of that was because i had convinced myself that i didn't mind so much what ppl thought of what i did because my friends had accepted me as i was. i was able to be a goof. i was able to just let myself have fun. all too often lately, i find that i have become boring, predictable, and just no fun. i want to be able to let go so easily as i did in my high school years and a little beyond that. that is my goal for this coming year. i want to find my spunk and spirit again. i want to feel young, instead of an old married woman. that is a lot of my problem. and it all starts with me.

well, now that i babbled enough, i will go to bed. just one last thing, thanks to my friend for coming to visit. you have no idea how much it meant to me. it was a wonderful night, of which i hope many more are to come.

until next time, averagejane signing off.

Just another day

Hey ... so i know my last post forever ago said i would be blogging more on my other blog. but that is more still jay's blog. so i needed a place to just write. lol if i had had my journal here, i would probably have written there.

but, so i'm at work and i really should be working. but i really feel like shit today. and its not just today. it's like a pattern over the last few months. i  know its normal to have down days, but some days its just ridiculous. like today, i feel on the verge of tears. and the morning started out really good. i'm not sure what is wrong with me. i ache all over. and every so often, i get this pain in my chest that lasts most of the day. then it will go away and i forget about it til the next time it happens. i swear my body hates me. anyhoo... enough about that.

i just wish somedays that i could turn back time a bit. everything was so simple when i was younger. not so many cares in the world. and of course money seemed to be a bit more abundant :) but it just seems that everything is moving so fast and that if i don't make the right choice  i'll screw up everything. and some days i wonder if some of my choices in the past are starting to affect my life now. i mean i expected them to affect it, just in a better way. it's so confusing. and frustrating. i'm down so much and tired. i was physically sick with a cold or something last week, but this all seems so much different. I wish i could just wake up one day and have it all gone. unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

then there is the whole religion issue. i've officially declared myself as agnostic atheist on my facebook page. but it's just so hard to let go of religious issues and traditions that i've been indoctrinated with for years now. i mean, i just find it so hard to tell my parents how i really feel. like they keep trying to ask me how church was each sunday that i happen to visit. and my dad slipped in that i should go to the temple too sometime (he was going that day, a tuesday night or something). but it's just hard. i hoped it would be easier.

and its just been a tough couple of weeks. work is difficult sometimes. that's not to say that the work i have to do is hard. its actually really easy. its just the work relationships can be awful. i've not seen this much drama since i was in high school. my supervisor sometimes acts like she is a kid, despite being a good 10 or so years older than me, and takes her frustration out on us lowly assistants. i only get through some of those days because of the other assistant here in the office. she is older than me by like 10 years or so. but she still understands how it all is here, cuz she has only been here a year longer than me. our supervisor really can be rude. and its way too damn frustrating. oh and the great thing, her supervisor is her father. it's ridiculous. i can't stand him much either. he lets things slide and then blames us for some of his problems. like we had a workshop that we sent materials out for. some of the handbooks were older than the newer ones by two weeks and he got mad that we had sent that version out when he hadn't bothered to notify us that there was a newer version. God! he is annoying!!! anyhoo....thats my work vent. i really do love the other gal i work with. she is a sweetheart.

anyhoo, i think i've wasted enough space here. it feels good to be able to vent here..

until next time...
averagejane signing off
PS. Song of the day is "Stuttering" by Fefe Dobson. reflects my mood, while not necessarily the sentiment or feeling

friend update

hullo!!! just wanted to update on the situtation with my friend julian. i went to the hospital yesterday to visit him. he was transferred out of ICU on tuesday some time. and he said he expected to be released today, thursday. he looked way good! lol except for the fact that he was kind of stiff. but he went through a pretty scary experience for someone of his age, but he has pulled through and will be okay!!! thanx to all the prayers that went out for him!!!

average jane signing off!

easter stuff and prayers

so i hope you all had a fantastic easter! mine was pretty good up until 10 pm last night... so i had an easter party at my aunts house on saturday afternoon and one of our traditions is to have leg races. there are three types we do. the typical just all out sprint. then the three legged race and the gunny sack races. well, i won the sprint race for my age group! lol i was in the 18 or older women group, who hadn't had kids yet. lol the married ladies insisted on a separate group for them that had had kids lol!! but i won! i was slow gettin off, but once i got going i was goin! LOL but now i'm paying for it today lol my legs are sore! but i couldn't be more proud! lol but the three legged race i do every year with my cousin tamra. it's tradition, cuz we are really close, great friends lol. but also, no matter that she is like 6 yrs younger than me, we've always been the same heighth. lol her family jsut has really tall kids lol. but yeah....then saturday night i went and saw the movie juno. it was really good to be honest. it was a bit different than i thought it was gonna be like, but it was really good. two lines that really stood out to me, was an exchange between the main character, Juno, and her dad. she just told her dad and stepmom that she is pregnant. and they kind of are absorbing it. then her dad says, "i thought you were the kind of girl that knew when to say when." then Juno says, " i don't know what kind of girl i am." like those lines just totally connected with me...

anyhoo, but i went to the movie with my friend tyler. we had a riot! lol he is just a goof! lol but yeah...

but then on sunday of course the easter bunny came lol. it was good...but then i just kind of caught up on homework and cleaned my room and did my laundry. oh and of course went to church... but then i was ready to turn in at about 10:00 pm...but then i get this text from my friend tyler. pretty much it said please put Julian in your prayers. and pray he will be okay. this made me worried and of course i texted tyler back to find out what was wrong. turns out our friend julian has a virus in his heart and is in intensive care at the new hospital! so of course, even though i'm not that religious, i said a prayer for him. this morning i asked my family at family prayer that whoever's turn it was to pray, if they would include julian in their prayers.

so now i ask all of you that will read this, please put and keep my friend julian in your prayers. pray that he will pull through this and the doctors can find out how to help him. pray that they can find a way to get through all of this.

thanx

averagejane signing off...

hullo again...

hullo all!! so i figured that along with my renewed goal to just be upbeat all day....every day... that i would do a morning blog post. seeing as i come to work and sit with a computer in front of me and i'm not doing too much... i can do that!! :D lol but, as i get busier at work, i might have to change to bloggin at night...


lol so life is going good. the thing i mentioned yesterday is going as planned so it should all be finished by this saturday...but the majority of it settled by thursday! so you special friends of mine will get texts and emails thursday night i believe!!! ;D lol

but so i probably should get to work...lol what an idea! (i know...) but i've got to finish updatin our MSDS files!! lol

averagejane signing off!! love ya all.

happy single awareness day!

so since it's valentines day today, or among me and my sister- "happy single's awareness day", lol i decided to have a template on my blog that is valentiney...lol if that's even a word!! lol i'll probably keep it up for the rest of the week cuz i'll be too lazy to change it. and i kind of like it so it'll have to be on my blog for more than one day!! :D lol

but so happy single awareness day to all!! :D lol so hope you all have fun plans for tonight/today. me and my sis are gonna go see the new movie Step Up 2: The Streets lol i'm so excited cuz i love dance movies. my friend didn't really want to come with when we invited him cuz he complained it was just another dance movie with no plot...lol it might be but it's got some wicked dance moves and wicked dancing music!! :D lol that's what i really want to go see the movies for ! lol

but yeah life is good. okay with being single.

oh and so there is snow here. it snowed yesterday afternoon into last night...lol it was supposed to be a small storm, snow wouldn't stick for long. well on part of the state got about 2 feet at least...lol that's a good amount for a storm that was supposed to be small. lol but then here in the valley, we got about 6 in. in some places. lol but anyhoo, so i was on my morning break and i was walking outside and my friend was out there too. he's a guy i dated for a while. but then we were just talking and saying that me and my sis. were gonna go to a movie. and he said, what no valentine? lol i told him no, both of us are single...and okay with that. lol but so then we were just talking some more, and then he threw a snowball at me. so i decided to retaliate. lol i was about 4 ft away and missed!! lol it was terrible so i grabbed more snow and threw again and hit this time. lol but we just had a lazy snoball fight...lol it was fun. then i had to head back and i said, not that this hasn't been fun but i gotta get back. then i headed through the fertilizer room and back to the main warehouse. and next thing i know there is a snowball hitting the ground. lol i turned around and then there was another one. lol it didn't break up when it hit the ground so i took it and threw it at him. i would have hit him if he hadn't ducked...lol but then i hurried forward and got some snow and then as he came around the corner with a snowball, i was prepared. lol we threw at each other, i hit him, he barely got my shoulder when i tried to dodge it. lol but it was fun@! i love that i'm able to joke and such with him again. but yeah today is going good.

so i need to call the DMV for my driving record cuz of a ticket i got about 6 months ago.. and i have to make a call to civil courts. the second call is for...let's just say...detective work for me. lol it should be interesting. anyhoo...g2g get back to work...

averagejane signing off...

just dullsville!!

hullo all!! just another day in dullsville! lol well only partly. can i just tell you how much i really appreciate a co worker of mine! she really was sad that i had to miss going to the film festival with a friend. i told her it's all good. she asked if i still wanted to try and skip out early...but i told her it's okay, cuz the thing was this morning...but thanx anyways. she really is a great lady. lol but yeah!

anyhoo so life is going good. just kind of thinking over a lot of things...but oh i am proud of myself. because the last two nights i really didn't want to go to class. but i made myself go and i actually ended up having fun and being glad i went! :D lol isnt that an amzing thing? lol but yeah... and i actually learned some fun signs in my sign language class lol. i learned the signs for 3 different alcoholic beverages. lol and two signs that are "bad" signs, but we just happened to get on the topic of them from an innocent question. but our teacher taught us them. so that we didnt' make the mistake of signing them and embaressing ourselves completely. which really is good!! lol

but in my biology class, i had to do a group presentation. we only have to one in the whole semester and i got lucky to get it out of the way first thing!!! lol at first i was not too happy about being first. but, then once we got it all pulled together and finished, i was glad to have done it first. lol

but still searching for a car. maybe tomorrow i'll find something!! cross my fingers for luck! :D

anyhoo...that's life!

average jane signing off...

i get to go to a sundance film!!

hello all! :D so here i am two days in a row! ! wow i know. but i jsut had to let you all know that i'm going to go to a sundance film at the film festival!!! i've never been and my friend tyler wanted to know if i could go with him! (cuz he says its really no fun going alone) lol but i'm glad he asked me! he's a fun friend to be with and i'm ecstatic to go! oh and i'm getting off work to go. luckily i have this really nice lady named shawna that is always willing to cover for me. but i just don't try to take her kindness forgranted cuz i make sure to ask only when i really need it. but it's all good!! :D cuz i haven't had her cover for me in a few months so i'm good!! :D

lol so the movie i'm going to see is called sunshine cleaning. my friend saw it twice already and loved it. i just went on imdb.com to look at the movie and it actually sounds intriguing! lol but i'm stoked to see it. oh and it has amy adams, one of my new fav. actresses, in it!! :D lol she was amzing in enchanted. i can't wait to see how she is in this movie. it's a different role from enchanted entirely. but yeah!!

that's my babble for now! :D

averagejane signing off!

why does it feel like lying?

ever have those days you find you cannot make up your mind? or you think you've made up your mind, just to find the next day, you aren't so sure...you find yourself telling a friend..." i've learned from this...i'm not gonna make that mistake again...i'm done with that..." then turn around and you bite your words...sometimes it's you jumped to conclusions...others, you just let yourself get drawn back...can't stay away...you feel somedays thatyou're lying to your friends...but sometimes you just can't explain it all becauseyou know how they will react...and you don't need that...sometimes you wish they wouldn't just say 'told you so...' wish they would just keep it to themselves...because the situations change so fast, even you can't keep up with the score...don't know how its gonna be. feelings could rage overnight to worse in the morning...hard feelings could just diminish, being replaced once again with love. you may find yourself leaving that special one's presence unsure, contemplative, lost, confused...not really speaking to them... thinking you'll see them the next day and things will be different, like them just not talking to you, thinking you hate them...then they surprise you by acting just the same as normal...charming, thoughtful, sweet...and you find yourself wondering why you were doubting anything the night before...wondering what made you feel lost, confused, just hours ago...you see a different person during the day, more composed, only quick smiles directed your way...then night falls and they hold you passionately...promise they'll never leave you...things go from simple to complicated and you begin to wonder what makes it all so different...makes you wonder why you can't say no...why you just give in...until you break down inside, wanting to just sob silently in your pillow...fall into dreamland, the one place you can escape reality...just for a moment...

A humongous update!! :D

a lot has gone on recently. i guess i've just been too lazy to tell it all...so now i have the time plus the motivation.

so, friday was an interesting day that began most of it. that would be october 5th. the day of my friend steph's wedding. well, so after work and in between going to her reception, i went to walmart with my sister. while there i saw my friend, jay funk, who i haven't really seen or talked to in like a year or so. he lives in my neighborhood, but because we both have lives and he has a full time job at desert star, where i used to work, we rarely see each other. but i have to admit that i really had a crush on him while i worked with him. he's only like 3 or 4 yrs. older than me. and seeing him again made me realize that i still have a crush on him. and can i jsut say that he gives great hugs!! i could just melt in his hugs... but we talked a bit and then i had to go. but we exchanged phone numbers...

so then it was time for stephs reception. so i threw on a skirt, then went to harmons for a card. it took me forever to find the right one that didn't seem all formal and old people-ish. and finally i found the perfect one. it said something along the lines of " i now pronounce you pookie and shnookums." and on the inside,"awww..." that totally fit steph and dave. cuz there was a time when steph was trying out pet names for dave. and we had names like shnookums and such. it was a riot. and dave's face each time we tried a new name was funny... lol so i got that card. then i went to the reception. i managed to get there right when steph was throwing the bouquet. she saw me come in and yelled at me to get over there. lol so i thought okay i can do this. cuz i have to admit that i was terribly worried how things would be. so then i kind of stepped back while the whole wedding group got some pics taken. and i was gonna go sit down at a table. but then looking over, i knew maybe two ppl there. and i wasn't sure how things were with them. and that's when i started to get teary eyed. cuz it was weird that a place that i used to feel was like my second home, now i felt so out of place in. and that's one of the worst things for me is to feel out of place. or not accepted. but the second thing didnt' apply this time.

so then i went through the line, and i gave sharon, steph's little sister a hug. then i went to stephs parents. and they made me feel good all over. cuz her dad is just like, "hey amybird!" (that name is an inside joke, that turned to our special thing) and then he acted like we had never met and said, "hi i'm the father of the bride," then turning to his wife, "and this is my wife." lol i shook their hands and played along with it. i love stephs parents beyond anything. they are my fav. but then i talked to steph and then on to dave's mom. she introduced herself and said that she thought she might have met me before. and i said yeah that i'd hung out with dave sometimes at their house. i didn't think it tactful to mention i had gone out with him, seein as he just got married. not that it mattered that we dated as we really just ended up friends. but yeah. then i talked to nathan, my bestest friend who was the best man. and i said and you are? and he introduced himself like we had never met. then he gave me a hug and said, "i don't normally hug strangers, but i have a feeling abt this." lol that really made me laugh. we chatted a minute then i just had to go. cuz i guess i had come hoping that everything would be back to normal. somehow. but then just being there and seeing how happy steph was, was just a reminder that nothing would be the same anymore. so neeedless to say, by the time i got to the parking lot, tears were streaming down my cheeks. i've always wondered abt when they say tears streaming down their cheeks. well, that's how it was. the tears just came. and i guess i made it worse driving home cuz i had a song playing called "for good" from the musical wicked. and one part really hit me. there is a part that says, (Elphaeba singing) "and just to clear the air i ask forgiveness for the things i've done you've blamed me for." (Glinda) "but then i guess we know there's blame to share, " (both) "and none of it seems to matter any more." so that reminded me of how steph and i had realized that we both had made stupid decisions and that ended our friendship. and i guess i wish i could say it doesn't matter anymore. but the fact is it does. cuz, nothing will be the same again. and i lost a best friend. and no matter how i try things wont' be the same. and a good portion of that is due to how i've changed over the summer. i have made more friends. but not to say they will ever replace my friendship with steph, but i've adapted and no longer will ever have one sole friendship that i rely on. cuz if things go sour, then it won't hurt as much, cuz it's not like my whole life is with that person.

well, now i got off on a tangent... so as i was driving home, i found out that my friend jay has a girlfriend so i was like oh. whatev. then i get a random text from my friend art. well, to make a long story short, he asked if i had a crush. and i told him i had two. and then he asked who they were. then asked if he were one of them. and so i told him that yes he was. and turns out he kinda likes me too. but i guess he's worried a bit about the whole dating some one from work. so yah. but i ran into him at walmart on saturday. and my sister was with me and she said that he definitely likes me! lol so that boosted me. but then when i came to work on monday, it was just like things were normal. but yeah. we might hang this weekend.

so then i hung with holly on sunday night and we just had a talk abt art and life and everything else. it was good. and i think what i really needed. good times... :)

but then lets see...oh the point of the above paragraph. well, while hangin with holly i was texting a friend cody. and then at one point i told him abt holly and he said i should hook them up. then i told him to ask chris about holly. so then he actually asked someone else about holly and they told cody she wasnt cute at all. and i got offended. so between this on monday and last night, tuesday, cody got the idea that i was mad at him, when i'm not. i'm just kind of mad at the person who said this abt. holly, most likely cuz she's a bit overweight, but freakin gorgeous, i think. anyhoo, so he texts me last night abt all this. well, so i tell him i'm not mad at him. and clear up this misunderstanding. then he said, btw you owe me a massage. and this was all from an earlier conversation. so i said, lol i'll give you that massage when you finally ask me out! ( cuz he keeps saying he'll ask me out. but just makes excuses.) then he replied, i'll ask you out if you dont deny me when i kiss you. so i replied, well i might be able to make that compromise...we'll see if you ask me out! so then he said, If you promise ill ask you out this weekend. so that totally caught me off guard. cuz he's been making excuses for weeks and now he's saying that he'll ask me out this weekend. so i had to think for a bit and acutally got advice from holly. so what i ended up telling him that i wouldn't deny him if he kissed me. but i told him if that's all he wanted from me then i would deny him. cuz i don't get down like that. never again. so we have that settled. but he has yet to ask me out. but if he doesnt' ask me out by thursday, i'll say no cuz i'll have plans of some sort. so as not to appear easy. cuz i'm not.

so yeah. that's abt what is all happening!! wow, that's a lot. so yeah...

well, there is this group called t.A.T.u. that i absolutely love and i just got their first CD. cuz i like it best. and there is this song called "all the things she said." and it's the song on my mind now cuz my mind keeps goin over everything art and cody said. like i don't think i like cody much anymore, except that he's cute and can be nice. and it would be fun to go out with him... but yeah... i'm just looking for casual dating. and it would be that with cody.
so yeah...

average jane signing off..

ps. btw cody smells really good, today especially. lol he just walked past me...mmmm..

EDIT: so after posting this all, i just had somethin else i was reminded to post. cuz i have to say that there is actually one guy that i like but dont' pursue anything with beyond friends. cuz he's already got a girlfriend. and she's so nice and sweet that i wouldn't think of even doin anything to get between them even if i could. (his name is casey, btw) but he's just way cute and just the right look that really makes me sigh. then art also has that look too...but just not the same as casey...*sigh*

just life and such

well, it's been a few days since i've written, but i have a good explanation. i got into an accident on tuesday and i've been in the hospital..... just kidding. about the hospital part though.... i really did get in an accident. it was only a fender bender. and only damaged my car really. it would cost me around the same to replace the parts i damaged as to get a new car. so my parents will prob. just get a new car eventually...but my car is okay and i'm okay. i had a little whiplash, but not too bad. and of course i got a ticket for negligent collision. you know, i don't really know why i was so distracted and why my car didn't stop or why i didn't just swerve. i had been texting a bit, but i had plenty of space to stop and i slammed on my brakes and i was only going like 45 mph. but i guess maybe i was just so distracted. but if i ever get caught in that sort of situation again, i will remember to swerve and save myself the ticket and the damage. but yeah.

oh and so that night when i was in the accident i was actually on my way to pick up chris to go to the rodeo. and i was all high strung when i got to his house, but he was so sweet and we just relaxed and i calmed down. he was amzing about all of it. it actually turned out to be better that we just hung out at his apartment. i really had a good time. and he was just so cute. it all turned out okay.

but then on wednesday, july fourth we ended up going to sugarhouse for the fireworks and i had a good time. it was really good fireworks, the best i've seen i have to admit. we walked back to my car. and then we hung there for a sec. and kissed. lol it was good...but then we managed to make it back to his place to hang for about 20 min. then he walked me to my car, and kissed me goodnight. then i managed to get home before midnight!!!! :D

but, thursday robert showed up for work. and it was kind of funny to see him. and you know? i really don't have such hard feelings for him. not anymore. i've kind of gotten over it sort of. like i still think he's a jerk, but i don't care anymore because i'm not gonna be fooled again. and i can actually talk to him civilly and say hi. but yeah. that chapter is closed, and we just exist as acquaintances.

but, so i have a "date" lol for saturday. somehow, my friend meisha ended up setting up a date with my cousin and she was talking to me about it and told me that she wanted to know if i wanted to come with her. so i told her sure. and i called up my bud nathan to see if he wanted to come with me! and it looks like we're gonna hang on saturday. cuz we haven't hung out for a month. but yeah that should be a blast.


anyhoo, so i thought that i should take things slower with chris. and i wasn't gonna do anything this weekend with chris, that's why i didn't ask him to come with me on saturday. but he might call tonight, and we'll probably do something. whether we go to a movie or just hang at his place.

oh and i have to put in a plug here. so there is something called net radio. it's really pretty much amzing. but ppl are trying to make it so costly that it would basically get rid of net radio. and i don't know how many of you listen to it. but for my sake and those that listen, take a stand. let your congressmen know that they shouldn't up the price of the net radio. thats why i put the banners on my blog. so please take a stand and go to savenetradio.org and do what you can!!! please cuz there is not much time left...

but yeah....well, that's all for this time. til later.

averagejane signing off!

oh and side note, so i hadn't worn my second piercing for a while and i tried to put an earring back in, and amzingly i got it back it. so yeah.... but i love life...:D

i've got a date! and i can't wait..... : D

otay.... so today has to be considered one of the funnier days of my existence! :D so i was at work and me and robert did our whole smile/whatever exchange a few times during the day. there is this girl, oyuna, who works with me. she's like late 20s, early 30s and is married. she was helping me fold invoices for mailing and she asked me, 'amy, do you have a boyfriend?' and i told her i didn't. then i said, ' but i have a date on friday! ' and she said, ' oh, with who?' and i said, ' robert.' she looked at me and said, ' robert, like in the warehouse?' and i said, 'yah.' and she told me that she thought he had a girlfriend. and stuff and i told her that i was pretty sure he didn't, but i was gonna actually ask him today just to be safe. and i asked her how she was sure he had a girlfriend. she told me that some girl comes and picks him up after work each day. and i told her that he told me it was his sister emily. and when i saw her pick him up, they acted like brother and sister and not at all like boyfriend/ girlfriend. then, she says,'well, i'm gonna go check on something.' so she leaves. and i don't hear from her for ten minutes.

so i went on my break and i was in the bathroom, when oyuna comes in and says, 'amy?' and i say yah... and so she comes in and says,' maybe i was mistaken, some of the guys have sisters that come and bring them lunch, so it could be his sister that comes and picks him up... sorry about that.' and i told her it wasn't a problem. but then she tells me the reason she had asked if i had a boyfriend, was that she wanted to set me up with one of the other guys that work in the warehouse, chris. he's a good guy. really nice and funny. and she wanted to set me up with him... how funny! but the story gets better.

so i told darren, a guy at work, that oyuna had wanted to set me up with chris. and he makes some comment about what the dating setup we've got here! :D and i found this immensly hilarious. but yeah. so i was gonna ask robert if he had a girlfriend, but turned out i didn't have to. he came up around 4 pm and said, ' i just had a good chat with oyuna.' i said, 'oh... yeah?' and he told me,' i don't have a girlfriend. maybe when i talked to oyuna last i did. my crazy ex that trys to call me here, i broke up with her 2 1/2 weeks ago. but i don't have a girlfriend. but if you don't want to go out with me still, i understand.' i replied,' i do still want to go out with you, i just didn't want to deal with that.' and he said he completely understood. then he went back to the warehouse. then at closing time, he came up front again and said, 'so are we still on for tomorrow?' and i told him 'yeah. so what are we doing?' and he said he hadn't decided yet, he was trying to think of something fun. then he turned to go. but then turned back and said, 'oh, one more thing, i'm a pretty open guy. if you hear something about me, you can come ask me and i'll tell you.' i said,' okay. and i was gonna come ask you about the girlfriend thing, but oyuna beat me to it.' i also told him that i really don't have a hard time coming to ppl about things. so yeah. but we're on for tomorrow night!!! i really cannot wait. so that's been my interesting day!! :D

but then on saturday, i'm gonna hang out with my friend, jesse at the gateway. we're gonna hangout and catch up on life. get to know each other a bit better seeing as we've only met in person once and mostly chatted over the net...but yeah. it'll be fun!

but i'm so excited for tomorrow!!!! i think i'll burst from happiness and excitement! :D

averagejane signing off! : P

thoughts that get me down

so today has just kind of been a whirlwind of things. steph emailed me to see if i still wanted to be her bridesmaid and such. and that i needed to be fitted if so. and to be honest. i don't really want to in some way because it means i would have to be around for the whole damn wedding. and i'm not sure that i can handle that. but then there is a part of me that wants to be there cuz she's my friend. but i'm really not sure i can be happy for her and be good for the whole deal, so i guess maybe i really just don't want to have to be there. i don't know. it's up to her whatever she decides. i'm just sick of hearing about her stupid wedding.

but i was first gonna come on and tell about how i'm beginning to have serious doubts about my second piercing. i mean, just the other day i was gonna wear one of my fav. pair of earrings. but, it didn't look good with the second piercing. and it's been more of a hassle some days to find earrings i like to wear in it. i don't know. i'm thinking of maybe taking it out. plus, this ear piercing links me to steph. but not in a good way. it just reminds me how i kind of felt like steph was just being a sheep in following us and still going through with it, even when it kind of got screwed up. maybe she really wanted it. but things that remind me of what our friendship used to be like kind of hurts. i'm not ready to be really reminded of how she chose dave over me...well, i g2g.

average jane signing off....

oh btw, i got an amzing present and letter from my great friend spencer. it really brightened my day and still does today.. thanx..

oh yeah the other day i did the bitch slap. i told them my friend's name saying she had the gall to marry my ex-boyfriend. it is so funny... cuz the dj was oober shocked and i laughed!! :D really felt good to do it...

and then there was one..

have you ever seen the movie, "the prince and me?" well, right now i'm feeling like julia stiles and the character she plays in it. she has two friends. and in the beginning of the movie, she is the bridesmaid for one of them. she's sitting at the wedding reception with the second friend. and she says, "and then there were two...they seem really happy, i just remember how much we used to talk about getting out there and following our dreams. i mean there's a whole world out there to see. you too, we're the last hold outs." then the second friend looks all guilty and holds up her hand showing her ring and says,"todd and i are engaged." well, that is so true in my life. cuz i remember how me and my friend used to talk about all the things we had to do: share an apartment together, go make the guards at the buckingham palace laugh, travel abroad. a whole bunch of things. we had plans. now, she's engaged. a part of me is happy that she's happy. but a part of me is sad and hurt cuz we had plans that have just fallen apart. but i guess this just means it's my time to be on my own. follow my dreams. cuz honestly, a guy doesn't fit in my plans right now. or anyone else for that matter, well beyond friendship. i have so many things i want to do. i need to see the world. in two years i am planning to study abroad. maybe in someplace like england or italy. it would seriously be amzing. so yeah. i don't why i'm saying all this. but i am, and who knows? maybe my story will end like julia stiles. maybe i'll meet my prince who won't hold me back from my dreams. but yeah. we'll see how life goes...

averagejane signing off....

a public thank you

hey i am okay. i'm just not gonna have expectations for anyone anymore. once again it's just that friends disappoint. mabye it's partly me just getting to emotional. ... and im just disappointed in guys in general. i've let myself be disappointed for far too long. it's time i face up to reality. and i really am gonna try this time. so i'm kind of just gonna be acquaintances/friends with most ppl, and nothing more. except for those i truly know that can stand the trials and such of friendship. one that comes to mind is nathan. nathan and i have gone through our share of trials and i know that nothing can change us being best friends. i don't talk to him as much as i would like. but i just know that he's always there and truly cares. i've thought so this way with so many others over my life so far, but i was wrong almost every time. and with another friend, he's also just always there, making sure i'm okay. sending me emails. doing what he can to make sure i'm okay. others may say that's creepy as we've never met, but somedays, it's totally what i need. i want to feel accepted and loved, no matter how hard i try to say i can make it on my own. and he makes me feel accepted, appreciated...

this isn't a post to point fingers or criticize. it's simply to say that i'm grateful for the two ppl in my life that i really trust most and know that will always be there for me. an email from one of them really got me to writing this, because i was explaining part of this to them. but yeah. so i really am okay. i'm moving on, yet holding on to my dear friends....

average jane signing off.( friends are truly angels...)

a new friend named stephy! :D

so i know that i just posted. but i just have to say. i jsut met a girl online that is so after my own heart. she's fun to talk to and loves to read. she's younger than me but oober cool... the funny thing...yeah her name is stephanie! lol it's so crazy. of all the ppl i chose to talk to on the chat room, i pick this girl, not knowing her real name til we talk on messenger, and it turns out to be stephanie. i told her the irony of it and she laughed online! :D anyhoo, just thought you all should know. cuz it's she who is responsible for the turn around in my attitude! i will be okay....well, i g2g.

average jane signing off ( i'll be okay, i promise! :D )

learning just not to expect anything...

so i just got off the phone from talking to my brother. i guess it was kind of cool to hear from him. but at the same time kind of just reminding me that he's not the same brother i knew before he left. he's changing and it kind of hurts to know that. like i guess technically it's not a bad thing. he's getting more churchy. and i love him to pieces, but i just wanted a normal conversation with him and he couldn't leave the conversation at that. he had to finish the conversation telling me how important the gospel is and that we have to do it together as a family to be together in the end. and it's great that he's got so much conviction, but i really don't want to hear it.

and what really irks me about the last call is that i got work off to talk to him, and i got a lousy five minutes before my dad interrupted and had my mom talk. i wasn't done talking. and the majority of that five minutes was eric asking me to get him some cds. i felt like it was pointless to even be there. and it didn't seem like my brother really cared that mom interrupted me. it made me mad and hurt. that's why i almost didn't talk to him this time. i hate that my parents basically didn't even care.

but on top of all this drama, i just feel like i've been losing a good friend, and that i'm just getting my hopes up to high when it comes to my love life. i have too high of expectations and i just learned that i need to just not expect anything when it comes to guys. i keep setting up myself to be disappointed. kind of a pattern in my life. a pattern i am now stoping. i have learned my lesson. no more will i expect anything of guys. cuz i can't take it anymore.

and the friend i mentioned. i don't know what to do or say anymore. it's like they are never there anymore. and i guess i wish things could go back to how they used to be. but at the same time, i don't want things to go back just to have them change again in a few months or so. cuz it's easier to just not expect much and then i won't be as hurt or disappointed. like i just finished talking to this friend, and you know, i don't care anymore. cuz maybe i am a selfish bitch in wanting this person to be here more for me. but, it just hurts that we had gotten so close, and then when they hooked up with someone, it seemed like they had not much time in their life for me. it hurt. still does. a part of me still wants it to change. a lot. because i miss them and how things used to be. but my head keeps telling me to not set myself up to be pushed aside again. so i'm just pushing this person aside. keeping myself from getting hurt. this person said that it seemed that i was finding any reason to be mad at them lately. and maybe i was, but only to avoid the real hurt, real reason. that's the fact that it hurts to feel abandoned. really bad. so yeah. that's out in the open. anyhoo, so my new thing. just not gonna expect anything anymore, it's just life. and it hurts. and right now i'm crying. yup. you read that right. i'm just sick of this. i'm done with it.

but don't worry i'll be okay. thanx to some good friends i have. nathan. just having you as a friend means the world. you could not possibly know how much it means to just know that you will always be here for me. even when i'm a whiny, selfish, crazy mess. *sad smile* and spencer. i know that there will be days when i don't talk to you. but you really have no idea how much it means. . . .

anyhoo, i'm done with this.

average jane signing off..(life's a bitch and then you die..)

boys are just stupid...lol

can i just say that i'm totally sick of guys. i honestly don't know what they're thinking. they totally just bounce back and forth from one thing to another. like you think you know them, and then they act stupidly. or maybe i'm just tryin to read too much into things. or maybe i just need to learn not to go for younger guys. too immature. guys my age are already immature as it is! lol *eyeroll* but ya know, i don't think i really liked him all as much as i wanted to believe. i think i was projecting my feelings for someone else onto my feelings for him. yeah i think so. he still makes me laugh. but i dont' really like him that way. there's really only one guy i like right now... but i have to get over it cuz he is just a friend. and no it's not ryan. he's just a friend. i had to put that in there for the benefit of two ppl who might have thought otherwise.

anyhoo, life's pretty much dull.... but i just listen to music, read books, procrastinate homework. just normal. and i can't wait for high school to end. i can't wait to get on to college. i know it sounds silly, but i am excited. oober excited. anyhoo, since it's mother's day, my dad has cooked a meal for my mom. chicken cordon bleu and some potato wedges things. i like the chicken part but not the potatoes so much...anyhoo. oh and we're gonna call my brother today at two pm. he's in chile on a mormon mission. but yah....

tha's all for now...

average jane signing off...(time to reevaluate what needs to be done in my life...set my priorities straight : D)


Friends are quiet angels that pick you up when your wings have trouble remembering how to fly...

darion makes me happy, yet confused...

last night i had a dream...about darion. and you all know that dreams often are either our subconcious telling us something or something that is really on our mind. well, obviously darion is on my mind... :D

so my dream...well, i was in california. that much i remember. i don't know why cali, but i was there with darion. i had gotten there by plane. that i remember... but, we were in a church and darion was being the usher(the person who passes out the church programs of the meeting, for those who don't know what i mean...) and so i sat by him for a bit. i couldn't sit by him for very long cuz my parents were there at the church too and i think expected me to sit by them. but just sitting by him, i could really feel he liked me and we just talked. it was cool. and then i got up for something, and randomly this girl liz that, in the dream, was some ex-girlfriend of his in cali, came up to him and she hugged him. and i got oober jealous. tha's really all i remember.

but this is the first time in a long time that i've dreamt about a guy i like. the last one i dreamt about was a good friend that it turns out doesn't like me as more than a friend... and then before that dave...so i guess it's like making me realize how much i like him. i only dream about those that are seriously on my mind and i can't stop thinking about. Darion has been on my mind a lot in the past week. ever since he told me he loved me....i hope he means it. cuz i'm realizing just how far i've come to rely on him, and how far i've fallen for him. didn't do too well protecting my heart this time. oh well, my new saying is, (like my screen name for messenger..) "life is pain. anyone who says differently is selling something." that's a line off of princess bride. but i guess it's not all pain. there is some good mixed in with the pain. like friends...i have two i know will always be there to listen to me if i need to vent, to share my happy news with, to cry with, to laugh with, (even across the net. it's so still possible.) but also, i like the new linkin park song. i'm posting it like right now....

but so i'm seriously hoping that things develop between me and darion. i could use some positive stuff in my life...cuz choir is just bringing me down, no matter how hard i try to just keep above it...mmmm.. darion, happy thoughts....well i'm tired and it's time for me to be in bed. i have to perform tomorrow....ugh....wait happy thoughts...spencer-makes me laugh, darion-makes me happy and smile.... :D love you both so much

average jane signing off... (it's now 10:14 and i'm so exhausted...)

how do you let go?

what do you do when you really like someone but find out they don't like you in that way? i thought that i was expert in this, as this is the story of my life...but then when i hang out with this guy, he does and says things that make me wonder...like maybe he just told me that we were just friends to save face....i dunno. cuz i know they say that you really should just forget it and move on. but i can't. it's way complicated. cuz there are so many emotions tied up in this crush. don't ask me why. and this guy makes me laugh. a lot... wish i knew a way to get a guy to tell his real feelings....like a truth spell or sumthin. it would make life so much easier. but the hardest part of this is that i'm too chicken to say anything else to him for fear that maybe it'll make things worse. however, this friend means a great deal to me...and without him to make me laugh and be my friend and just listen...life would basically suck. so i guess i have to find a way to move on..it really bites, but i guess for my sanity, i need to....god, life sucks somedays.

but i'm okay. really

average jane signing off....( trying to move on but not wanting to)