crazy weekend

so i just have to say this has been a crazy weekend... and now into the middle of the week. events happened friday, that broke my heart. but i just don't know what to think really. i love this guy, but, i've been talking to him and i don't think he was lying like i thought he might have been. but, today or tomorrow, i should know for sure. yesterday i'll admit that i was all ready to try and leave it in the past and just move on, no matter how hard that would be. cuz this guy is the first and only one i've truly loved. but now i'm thinking i just jumped to conclusions... i do tend to do that. i kind of have a fear of confrontation, so i don't tend to go ask the person what the situation is. anyhoo... well, now i think it's halfway resolved. but there is hurt feelings on both sides, so it may take a while to really put it all back together...


and i know there are a few of you out there that really just want to slap me right now cuz you think i'm just settin myself up to be hurt again. but don't worry about me. i'm okay. and i'm gonna be careful, it was just a misunderstanding.

anyhoo, average jane signing off...

why? hm...

why is it that we just love to torture ourselves? honestly! i've been reading over old blog posts of mine and a friend. i just read them over several times. each time i read them, the old feelings i felt at that time of my life, resurfaced just about as depressing as ever. now i sit here in a funk. god i'm just stupid. anyhoo...but also, i really just wish i could spend more time with my special someone. he tells me that he is falling in love with me. and i admit that i love him, like i never thought i possible. i usually shy away when things get to the whole " i love you" stage. that's what happened with my first and really only official boyfriend. i just freaked when it came to the serious feelings and dating just him. i realized that i would look around me and just say hmm... i think it would be fun to go out with that cute guy. and so i freaked and broke it off....then my second really serious relationship...that went on for a month. that was really long for me. but then, there is this guy now. robert. yes...you have heard abt. him before. our relationship has been developing since about june/july. at first there was crap goin on and i really didn't know whether i could trust him. but then things developed about a month or two ago. i had feelings for him from the beginning. and no matter what he did, they seemed to just keep developing. one day i felt as if things were cool and i could trust him, the next i was let down. this seriously went on for a few months. but let me just tell you, i really can't hold grudges for too long, especially against guys. unless of course you really are disrespectful all the time and out right rude. but if you do something, it's mostly forgotten in at most a few days....anyhoo, but so then it started with a kiss...at first i just kind of blew him off after i let him kiss me a few days. but then, i just kind of let it all go, as i was rather just trying to protect myself from any possible hurt rather than i was mad at him. but then, it all just began to develop as i talked with him and we became great friends. i could talk to him about anything and have a serious deep conversation, yet at the same time, i could have a crazy discussion about music, or food or other such stuff. and i loved it. and i felt myself falling...hard. with each kiss i melted in his arms, each embrace i felt safe, secure, and just plain happy. which is saying a lot for my seriously bi-polar life. lol but i think about him almost all the day long, i just want to be near him, see him, and talk to him. for a few days i totally let myself become so distracted by my thoughts of him it was hard to work. but i found a good in between eventually. and now here i am totally in love with him. wow it's the greatest feeling.

the greatest thing about him though, is that he made a promised to me about two months back that he would tell me the truth in anything. and so far he has kept that promise. i really love that he has made such an effort to never lie to me. he kind of told me a few lies in the past. he says that he owes it to me to prove that he loves me and that he is being honest in everything. i love it.....

well work is almost over so i'll finish what i want to say later.

average jane signing off...

i love him

so yeah here i am again...life is...hmm... life is just....life. it's okay, not bad, but not fantastic. just here. just existing. but yeah...is it normal to think of just one guy...so much that when you pass other guys on the street, cute ones, that you don't really thing of anyone but that one guy. seriously. i think of him all the time, love to be around him.

........................................................................................................................................


well, so this is like half a day later. so that special someone came to work a bit late cuz he went to some performance thing of his daughter's. but he walked in, and my knees just about gave out...he looked so....amazing. he normally i think is very hot. but he just was all spiffed up in a nice shirt, jeans, nice shoes, a cool leather jacket, and his hair had been cut. wow! is the only way i could describe my reaction. then he came over to my desk to say hi. and of course he had to smell incredible! lol... just wow. then even when he got on his work shirt and such, he still looked amazing. maybe i'm just biased cuz i love him. lol :D but i dont' care. he's just so incredible. i can't believe that he loves me. i can't believe how lucky i am....lol

well, i gotta go actually get some work done...

average jane signing off...

been a while

hullo all!! so yeah it's been a while, but yeah i'm here. lol lol

well, i totally think i'm in love! yeah just wanted to let the world know!! and he loves me! lol yeah i'm a bit giddy.

have to admit that it's been a bit doubtful in the beginning as to how i felt, but i can't stop thinking about him. the days he's gone i miss him terribly. but then he is there and a grin spreads across my face....lol

well, average jane signing off..

hullo all

hullo all! i'm at work, waiting for my friend to come so we can go to lunch. lol i'm really hungry! and it's really been a while since we have gotten together and had time to really talk, so i'm excited. of sorts. i really love this friends. she is a good friend, but at times she is just so flaky...lol and it sometimes seems like she doesn't want to hang out, and things always seem to just come up when we had plans made. and maybe things just happen. and she's not making excuses. anyhoo. don't matter!

lol so life is going good! i'm finally catching up in all my classes!! it's end of semester soon so it's good that i am catching up!! lol anyhoo. but i'm all registered for next semester and the class i'm looking most forward to is my sign language class. i know some signs already but this will just get me better at all of it! :D lol oh and i dont' know if i've mentioned, but i should have my associates degree by end of next fall semester!!! i'm so excited! its totally thanx to my academy teachers in high school and all my other concurrent enrollment teachers. i graduated from high school with 25 out of 61-63 required credits for an associates degree!! :D i'm ecstatic if you cant tell!!!! lol

............

so i went to lunch and i'm back! :D it was fun...

then my grandma came into work to visit me! wow talk about surprise. it was nice she came in, but she just kept hanging around...lol but tha's all good..

well average jane signing off!

here i go again! lol

so here i am posting again late at night...wow i better not make a habit of this. lol well, here goes it all again...

so the reason i'm here again is cuz i was thinking again. i know, that 's dangerous territory. lol but it had to do with the fact that i had a real hangout, a real talk with my best friend. we haven't done that in forever. and there were the silly moments and the serious and the downright hilarious moments. and just being with him and talking and acting silly really made me think about my life and realize for the first time in a few months, that yeah i'm still young. that's not a big deal. it means i still have time to experience life. i'm not expected to know it all now. i think i kind of forget that at my work because i am the youngest there by a good eight or nine year difference. so i forget that it's okay to still be young and want more out of life. i really needed this tonight. and i guess it also helped me even more to realize that life is changing and it's good. my public school days have passed. it's time for me to grow up past that. but at the same time, it's okay to be still unexperienced in the world. anyhoo...made me think about what i'm doing with my life. and i really don't want to get tangled up with this other guy right now. because i know that he's sort of lookin for serious. and i'm trying to convince myself that i really jsut need to have casual relationships. maybe some dating, but nothin serious. cuz i told my self that i'm not getting married young. and i know that won't happen. but also i told myself that i have things i need to see and do before i settle down. and it will be things i do on my own with no romantic attachments to them. so i just need to remind my self of that daily. and as much as it's nice to feel like someone cares, (and the kissing is nice. lol) i need to know that i have done my share of living life, and that i want to be with them for real, before i even get myself into what is happening now. i need to be strong, even though for some reason i feel guilty tellin him i don't want to be with him now, cuz he's kind of gettin divorced because of me sort of... but i cant just let things go on out of feeling guilty. if it comes down to it that i like him and want to be with him, then great. but a part of me knows that nothing serious could ever come of our relationship. there are a few crucial things that are diferent between us. i just need to remind myself of that...

so yeah off serious things. so my best friend and i actually ended up hanging out at walmart. let me say we have just had some fun times there! lol so he wanted to look at lamps cuz he just remembered he needed one that imitates sunlight for some photography stuff he was doing. lol so we then were looking at lamp shades and lamp bases. then he remarks that ppl might look at us and think we were shopping for our house. lol ( like we were together or sumthing! ) lol so then we just laughed, me especially hard, and just kept looking at stuff. then somehow we wandered over to the kitchen ware section! lol even more looked like we might be shopping for stuff together! lol yeah it was funny to say the least! totally made my night...

lol, well, now that its almost midnight, i'm gonna close and go to bed! i have church to attend tomorrow. lol and little kids to play with! :D love my kids....

averagejane signing off! :D

a small reflection

so tomorrow is my birthday...i'll be 19. hm... i just got used to 18. and it's weird, cuz with all that has happened to me this year i feel like i've grown up so much in just one year. like who thought i would have fallen for a married man. and kissed him. if you had told me that a year ago, i would have just laughed in your face. honestly... cuz i mean i was just in a semi serious relationship and the last thing i wanted was to get into anthere relationship. i was still hoping for love. but i didnt' even consider finding it in such a different way. yes i did say love, i think my feelings may be developing in that direction. i'm not sure but maybe. anyhoo, so what a year it's been. i can't wait for the next 20 years...

averagejane signing off...