disappointed no more

let me just say i hate life. i just let myself be disappointed time and time again. i tell myself not to set myself up to be disappointed, yet i don't listen to myself. yet again i let myself be excited for plans made with my best friend. and yet again i was disappointed. this is not to be a criticism to anyone. this is simply my thoughts and feelings. i set myself up for disappointment. again. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. and in more situation than one this weekend.

so here's my weekend. so graduation on saturday for travel and tourism. pretty cool. i get fun cords to wear for real graduation. and the food was good afterwards. :D so then after that i had to go to a family reunion. ugh. the only fun part was i got to play with my little cousin timmy. he's a cutie. and man can he talk! :O lol but then i went home and took a bubble bath to relax, then a shower to wash my hair. but i found i didn't have time to blow my hair dry, so i just scrunched it into curls and let it dry that way. really looked terrible. but anyhoo, i took a jello to our party at crowther's house (my teacher). and it ended up i was the only one who ate it. so it melted while it just sat there. and my friend left early so i kind of just sat around and ppl watched. anyhoo, so i left around 7:30pm. then i went to my car, and as i was walking, my jello leaked out of its pan cuz i was holding it funny. ended up leaking in my car. a mess to clean up. so i was ticked off by the time i got home. then, i called my friend to see if she had gotten back from the ball/dinner thingy she went to with her boyfriend. she didn't answer. i called three times by the time it was 8:30 and still no answer. and i was hurt. cuz she had told me it was our night. we were gonna do something. but guess not. (didn't even call back that night). anyhoo, so i decided to go to the region dance. didn't even know there was one until that night. so i spent a half-hour figuring out where it was. then i got there and i found darion. well, after i hung out with meisha and alexis for a bit. and we talked a bit, joked around. and i got him to dance one slow dance with me...:D (he hates dancing btw) but then he was back to his normal self of acting like we were just friends. and so once again i was disappointed. twice in a night. i went to the dance hoping to have some good music, good ppl and get in a better mood. ha...didn't work. but then i ended up flipping darion off twice that night. i really wasn't altogether really pissed off at him. it was more a combination of my friend earlier mixed with his childish mind games. but yeah. so it just sucks.

then today. my friend arrived late to class today. but she had good reason. no problem there. then she apologized for not answering her phone. i still don't know why she didn't answer. but then i explained to her that i had been hurt that we didn't hold to our plans. we were gonna do something. like maybe a movie or sumthin. nothing set, but we had planned it to be our night, or so i thought. and i didn't get angry or act mad. i just was hurt. kind of story of my life.

so i guess i need to stop fooling myself.and not to expect so much of others. out there in the real world, i won't have anyone. just me and me alone. i've learned that guys are not to be depended on. and learned to never like a guy younger than me. they're too immature. i thought darion would be different. but i guess not. silly me.

anyhoo, so from now on, i will focus on getting myself where i need to be in the world. no more expecting anything from ppl that are supposed to be best friends. i guess boys come over friendship...silly me. but from now on, i really am gonna change all this.

also, i was gonna not say anything to anyone. but i was gonna get a cell phone and service. but now it doesn't matter that i say anything. cuz i won't be getting one. what does it matter to have one if i dont have anyone to talk to? it's just a waste of money. this summer i'm gonna work to buy a car. that at least can get me somewhere. i can drive far away from utah. far away from those who disappoint. far away from anyone who knows me. i can get on my own and build my own life.

i don't know why i'm writing all this, as i don't care if anyone comments. i won't be reading them...but, i guess this time it's really just for me...

average jane signing off....

lost and confused

so i went to young womens tonight. and it was a combined activity with the guys. and i saw darion there. i even helped him with some things, like with the scripture mastery stuff. i'm pro at that. :D but then after we got all our things done, we went out and sat on the couch. and darion said, what's wrong? and i said, oh nothing. but he said no really. what's wrong? so i said i was confused. and he asked why. and i told him that one week he was all telling me he loved me. then the next he was all like, hey. and not as close. so i said i was confused. then he said nothing. so i said well, i'm gonna go outside and get some air. he said, do you want me to come with you? i said, if you want to. and so we went outside. and he and sorta talked. like about what if i could live anywhere outside of the US, where would i live, or would i not leave? and i said, somewhere in Europe. maybe italy or france or england. and i said i just want to see Europe and the world. and he said that's funny. and i said why is that funny, cuz it's not normal? and he said, no. he said, cuz i've been dreaming of traveling lately. and i totally was shocked. cuz it was funny that he totally gets my wanting to travel. and we talked of how in russia i only needed to see the st. peter's cathedral. (oh and the peterhoff palace i believe it's called) but then i could skip the rest of russia. but we talked about that and then we went and got brownies and ice cream. but then, we came back out and we weren't alone anymore. cuz other girls joined us. and then nick joined. but then at around 5 to 9 pm, i got up to leave and so did darion. he had to be home around 9 like me. but then we crossed the street and darion said he had to get home. and so he put his arms out to give me a hug. and i gave him a short hug. and he said, see you later. and i said whatever. he looked confused and said what's all that about? i said, you still haven't explained anything. so he said tomorrow morning. i'll explain. and i said when tomorrow morning? he said he'd be by my house around 7:05. so i'll be leaving earlier than i have in months. but i just want to hear what the deal is. whether we're just friends or more. i need to know.
but i guess what's the hardest about all this, is that when it's jsut me and darion, i see the real him. how he's so smart and so much more than "just a pretty face." he really is a great guy. and i think maybe this past week he's been having to deal with the fact that once again the ppl who were supposed to adopt him, may not. they're not sure. and i could tell it's a total blow to darion. i think this is the third time this has happened. sure he didn't really want to become mr. mormon boy. but i think he would have done it to be in a family. and that bites that once again it looks like it may not go through. when he said it, it literally broke my heart. for the thirtieth time. but i guess there's not much i can do about it. except just be his friend. i can't stop being that. cuz he's amzing. even if a little crazy sometimes.

anyhoo, so yeah. there's more explaination to my situation. or actually an update is more what it is. but i guess tomorrow i get to find out what darion means. either way i just need to know.

average jane signing off ( ignorance is bliss...somedays...)

an explanation and more news!

so i guess now is as good a time as any to explain something. well, so i mentioned in an earlier post about how boys are stupid. well, tha's true in and of itself most times. but, so the guy i mentioned that said he loved me. well, i really didn't take it as too serious beyond the fact that he possibly liked me in that way. so i kind of just started to let myself like him again. not too far... i still was okay. just enough to get hurt when i found out that it was just like last time. i'm just a backup plan. stupid and pointless. anyhoo, let me explain in more depth.

so first some background. well, darion is a foster boy. he lives in a house with 3 other guys. one of them is named jay. he went out with a girl sophie. she cheated on him, so he cheated on her. they broke up. then they got back together cuz she said she was done cheating on him. then jay cheated on her. they broke up.

anyhoo, so it appears that last region dance, darion asked sophie to go out with him.. she said she'd think about it even though she already had a boyfriend, unbeknownst to darion. he found out when she told him she didn't want to go out with him. this all happened when i was in cali. then i guess, when he was rejected he turned his affections towards me. but, i didnt' know this until this past sunday...heard it from another friend. and then just the past week he's not been really talking to me as much or anything...so yeah... but really i'm okay. i guess i should have seen it comin. and maybe a part of me did, cuz it's really not so bad when i heard it.

but yeah. and i think maybe my friend and i have kind of patched things up...i think we'll be okay...

anyhoo, i'm really in a good mood. i kind of played hooky from work and went and visited steph cuz she's sick. it was good to talk to her. we might not go to senior breakout at t-ville, we might do the kearns one... cuz it's at kearns oquirrh park fitness center and will have food, a slip n' slide, games, movies! sounds like fun, plus it's like 10 or 15 dollars cheaper than t-ville's!! :D anyhoo, i'm gonna quit now and go to the library. luv you all! :D

average jane signing off!! :D

Changes, by 2 Pac

This song by Tupac Shakur is truly inspired. i really love how he's using he's music to try to make a change in life. he's got valid arguments and is tryin to better life for blacks. even if you don't like rap, please listen. it's got one of the greatest messages. i'm glad that he was able to record this before he was killed at the age of 25(!). he was truly amzing...

a new friend named stephy! :D

so i know that i just posted. but i just have to say. i jsut met a girl online that is so after my own heart. she's fun to talk to and loves to read. she's younger than me but oober cool... the funny thing...yeah her name is stephanie! lol it's so crazy. of all the ppl i chose to talk to on the chat room, i pick this girl, not knowing her real name til we talk on messenger, and it turns out to be stephanie. i told her the irony of it and she laughed online! :D anyhoo, just thought you all should know. cuz it's she who is responsible for the turn around in my attitude! i will be okay....well, i g2g.

average jane signing off ( i'll be okay, i promise! :D )

learning just not to expect anything...

so i just got off the phone from talking to my brother. i guess it was kind of cool to hear from him. but at the same time kind of just reminding me that he's not the same brother i knew before he left. he's changing and it kind of hurts to know that. like i guess technically it's not a bad thing. he's getting more churchy. and i love him to pieces, but i just wanted a normal conversation with him and he couldn't leave the conversation at that. he had to finish the conversation telling me how important the gospel is and that we have to do it together as a family to be together in the end. and it's great that he's got so much conviction, but i really don't want to hear it.

and what really irks me about the last call is that i got work off to talk to him, and i got a lousy five minutes before my dad interrupted and had my mom talk. i wasn't done talking. and the majority of that five minutes was eric asking me to get him some cds. i felt like it was pointless to even be there. and it didn't seem like my brother really cared that mom interrupted me. it made me mad and hurt. that's why i almost didn't talk to him this time. i hate that my parents basically didn't even care.

but on top of all this drama, i just feel like i've been losing a good friend, and that i'm just getting my hopes up to high when it comes to my love life. i have too high of expectations and i just learned that i need to just not expect anything when it comes to guys. i keep setting up myself to be disappointed. kind of a pattern in my life. a pattern i am now stoping. i have learned my lesson. no more will i expect anything of guys. cuz i can't take it anymore.

and the friend i mentioned. i don't know what to do or say anymore. it's like they are never there anymore. and i guess i wish things could go back to how they used to be. but at the same time, i don't want things to go back just to have them change again in a few months or so. cuz it's easier to just not expect much and then i won't be as hurt or disappointed. like i just finished talking to this friend, and you know, i don't care anymore. cuz maybe i am a selfish bitch in wanting this person to be here more for me. but, it just hurts that we had gotten so close, and then when they hooked up with someone, it seemed like they had not much time in their life for me. it hurt. still does. a part of me still wants it to change. a lot. because i miss them and how things used to be. but my head keeps telling me to not set myself up to be pushed aside again. so i'm just pushing this person aside. keeping myself from getting hurt. this person said that it seemed that i was finding any reason to be mad at them lately. and maybe i was, but only to avoid the real hurt, real reason. that's the fact that it hurts to feel abandoned. really bad. so yeah. that's out in the open. anyhoo, so my new thing. just not gonna expect anything anymore, it's just life. and it hurts. and right now i'm crying. yup. you read that right. i'm just sick of this. i'm done with it.

but don't worry i'll be okay. thanx to some good friends i have. nathan. just having you as a friend means the world. you could not possibly know how much it means to just know that you will always be here for me. even when i'm a whiny, selfish, crazy mess. *sad smile* and spencer. i know that there will be days when i don't talk to you. but you really have no idea how much it means. . . .

anyhoo, i'm done with this.

average jane signing off..(life's a bitch and then you die..)

boys are just stupid...lol

can i just say that i'm totally sick of guys. i honestly don't know what they're thinking. they totally just bounce back and forth from one thing to another. like you think you know them, and then they act stupidly. or maybe i'm just tryin to read too much into things. or maybe i just need to learn not to go for younger guys. too immature. guys my age are already immature as it is! lol *eyeroll* but ya know, i don't think i really liked him all as much as i wanted to believe. i think i was projecting my feelings for someone else onto my feelings for him. yeah i think so. he still makes me laugh. but i dont' really like him that way. there's really only one guy i like right now... but i have to get over it cuz he is just a friend. and no it's not ryan. he's just a friend. i had to put that in there for the benefit of two ppl who might have thought otherwise.

anyhoo, life's pretty much dull.... but i just listen to music, read books, procrastinate homework. just normal. and i can't wait for high school to end. i can't wait to get on to college. i know it sounds silly, but i am excited. oober excited. anyhoo, since it's mother's day, my dad has cooked a meal for my mom. chicken cordon bleu and some potato wedges things. i like the chicken part but not the potatoes so much...anyhoo. oh and we're gonna call my brother today at two pm. he's in chile on a mormon mission. but yah....

tha's all for now...

average jane signing off...(time to reevaluate what needs to be done in my life...set my priorities straight : D)


Friends are quiet angels that pick you up when your wings have trouble remembering how to fly...