Dreams

when it comes to dreams, there are two basic beliefs about why we have dreams and what they mean.

belief 1: dreams mean nothing, it is jsut random. it is just an epiphenomenon that is the mental activity that occurs during REM sleep.

belief 2: dreams have a meaning. we dream because either we need to declutter our minds, our subconcious is trying to speak to us, or we have problems from our daily lives that our mind couldn't work through while concious, so we have dreams to work them out. This is just putting this belief in simple terms.

myself, i have always followed with belief two. i believed that our minds are trying to tell us something or we have something that our mind needed to work out when it was concentrating on the other dozen items we do during the day. it made sense to me to believe this way. from having dreams so simple where i couldn't find a bathroom in my dream and waking up to find i needed to use the bathroom, to slightly more complex dreams of being naked for some reason while i was in public in school or the mall or someplace - which i interpreted that i was trying so hard to be someone else to fit in, i was afraid to show who i really was, afraid to be me with no mask on (signifying the nakedness)- i really believed that my dreams told me something. i found that in some dreams i could even wake myself up, especially in some scary ones..

another set of dreams i liked were the ones where i would meet a handsome stranger, and a romantic tale would ensue. whether in modern times, or in medieval times where i was a princess. this all was just my true desires in life. i wanted to be in a fairytale, i wanted to be in the stories that i read. i wanted adventure, something more to my life. and i found my escape in books, and my escape came real in my dreams.

however, sometimes, i find i would rather believe in belief #1 when it comes to some dreams. i find that the meaning i find from some dreams, i would rather believe were jsut random, not something that my mind needed to work out, or some secret desire i have hidden until my subconcious brings it into my dreams. i don't want to believe that such things lie within me. can they? or are these just really random dreams? with no significance. i would like to believe this, but i can't... so i just write them down, and push them from my mind, hoping that these dreams are not revealing a side of me i'd rather not know about.

anyhoo....dreams are interesting things..

average jane signing off...

things changing...

isn't it funny how one moment can really change your life? make you really think about everything that is happening... sometimes it's for the better, sometimes for the worse...as for me, i've not decided yet...

but i've been thinking a lot lately. just about life...and where i'm going...what i want to do with it...and some thing has kind of changed my plans...but yeah...

oh, and i had hoped to travel to new york this summer...but i don't think i'll have the funding to anymore...

well that's all for now...except that i'm really tired, cuz i got home at 3 am this morning...dont ask why...

average jane signing off...

is he really the one?

one time i was just talking with my sister about guys and just whatever about them...she said something that really stuck with me. she said one thing that stood out to her as when she knew this one guy might be the one...someone special she should get to know better...was that jsut being around him was comfortable. that it felt like she had come home.

just recently i was hanging with a bunch of friends and we were playing video games. i had not played one of them before and my guy friend helped me figure out what i was to do. and he put his hand around mine and showed me what to do. it was brief, but for that brief time, it was just as if it felt comfortable and made me feel something. i don't really know how to describe it. but it made me wonder, am i right to be with this other guy, when i just get this feeling with a good guy friend of mine? am i ready to just give me heart to this other guy, when i'm not sure as to exactly how i feel? and you know...i don't think i am. but yeah i just got to thinking. and maybe this is just a sign that i need to step back and look at my life, where i'm headed, what goals i have and what plans i have to fulfill... but yeah..

averagejane signing off...

and then there was one..

have you ever seen the movie, "the prince and me?" well, right now i'm feeling like julia stiles and the character she plays in it. she has two friends. and in the beginning of the movie, she is the bridesmaid for one of them. she's sitting at the wedding reception with the second friend. and she says, "and then there were two...they seem really happy, i just remember how much we used to talk about getting out there and following our dreams. i mean there's a whole world out there to see. you too, we're the last hold outs." then the second friend looks all guilty and holds up her hand showing her ring and says,"todd and i are engaged." well, that is so true in my life. cuz i remember how me and my friend used to talk about all the things we had to do: share an apartment together, go make the guards at the buckingham palace laugh, travel abroad. a whole bunch of things. we had plans. now, she's engaged. a part of me is happy that she's happy. but a part of me is sad and hurt cuz we had plans that have just fallen apart. but i guess this just means it's my time to be on my own. follow my dreams. cuz honestly, a guy doesn't fit in my plans right now. or anyone else for that matter, well beyond friendship. i have so many things i want to do. i need to see the world. in two years i am planning to study abroad. maybe in someplace like england or italy. it would seriously be amzing. so yeah. i don't why i'm saying all this. but i am, and who knows? maybe my story will end like julia stiles. maybe i'll meet my prince who won't hold me back from my dreams. but yeah. we'll see how life goes...

averagejane signing off....

darion makes me happy, yet confused...

last night i had a dream...about darion. and you all know that dreams often are either our subconcious telling us something or something that is really on our mind. well, obviously darion is on my mind... :D

so my dream...well, i was in california. that much i remember. i don't know why cali, but i was there with darion. i had gotten there by plane. that i remember... but, we were in a church and darion was being the usher(the person who passes out the church programs of the meeting, for those who don't know what i mean...) and so i sat by him for a bit. i couldn't sit by him for very long cuz my parents were there at the church too and i think expected me to sit by them. but just sitting by him, i could really feel he liked me and we just talked. it was cool. and then i got up for something, and randomly this girl liz that, in the dream, was some ex-girlfriend of his in cali, came up to him and she hugged him. and i got oober jealous. tha's really all i remember.

but this is the first time in a long time that i've dreamt about a guy i like. the last one i dreamt about was a good friend that it turns out doesn't like me as more than a friend... and then before that dave...so i guess it's like making me realize how much i like him. i only dream about those that are seriously on my mind and i can't stop thinking about. Darion has been on my mind a lot in the past week. ever since he told me he loved me....i hope he means it. cuz i'm realizing just how far i've come to rely on him, and how far i've fallen for him. didn't do too well protecting my heart this time. oh well, my new saying is, (like my screen name for messenger..) "life is pain. anyone who says differently is selling something." that's a line off of princess bride. but i guess it's not all pain. there is some good mixed in with the pain. like friends...i have two i know will always be there to listen to me if i need to vent, to share my happy news with, to cry with, to laugh with, (even across the net. it's so still possible.) but also, i like the new linkin park song. i'm posting it like right now....

but so i'm seriously hoping that things develop between me and darion. i could use some positive stuff in my life...cuz choir is just bringing me down, no matter how hard i try to just keep above it...mmmm.. darion, happy thoughts....well i'm tired and it's time for me to be in bed. i have to perform tomorrow....ugh....wait happy thoughts...spencer-makes me laugh, darion-makes me happy and smile.... :D love you both so much

average jane signing off... (it's now 10:14 and i'm so exhausted...)

thoughts all a jumble

so today at work i began a train of random thoughts. thoughts about some of my favorite things in the world....

like to begin with, my favorite weather in the world is warm fall rain showers. i love being able to just stand or dance in the rain... it is way amzing... i love it. i love thunder and lightning. it lights up the sky so wonderfully.

then my favorite season obviously is fall. i love to see the changing of the leaves from green to red to gold or yellow. it's like nature's art.

then on with more favorite things... my favorite thing to do in my spare time is usually reading books, though lately i've been stuck on my fav. tv show, Charmed. i love that show. watching three women, strong and independent, fighting off evil...so cool.

ummm... other random thoughts. there are a lot of things that i hope to happen someday. i want to be kissed in the rain, i want to see Europe. there are a whole list of things that i want....some things are unattainable, at least for now.

other random things my greatest wish in life is to find a path where i am accepted just for me....no matter how i act. also i want to find a place where i can be on my own for a while, depending only on myself and having to find out how to survive in that place. like maybe on my own in europe. it would be good...

but so other stuff...following my thoughts...well so just thinking of friends and how it'll be when graduation comes. and we all go our separate ways. there are a few friends that i won't ever lose contact with.

anyhoo, my thoughts wander even now....but yeah....

average jane signing off...( can't really concentrate...)

my freedom from boys and life after high school!

well, so here's my newest update on guys. i'm just giving up in general, cuz they cause too much drama in general. like being upset when i find out they think of me as just a friend.... kind of story of my life. but i'm used to it. so i'm moving on. totally nothing beyond friends with a guy. i'll flirt cuz that is so totally me. and of course tease, but nothing more. no committment, nada. it'll just make life easier... in the long run. maybe 5 years down the road i'll try again. but who cares. i'm only 18 and i've got so much i want to do!!! :D i don't need a guy to bog me down. i've got plenty of guy friends... namely nathan and spencer, they are awsome... and darion sometimes.

but it was the oddest thing, cuz i was reading my journal from like february. and i had written that no matter what happened, i'd still be friends with dave.. and look where i am now. i barely speak to him or see him as it is. and i guess i'm mostly to blame..... but i wrote that i'd die if i lost him as a friend, or never talked to him again. and now i don't talk to him and i'm survivng. guess he didn't have as much of an impact as i thought, or maybe i really am moving on. i still have feelings for him like as friends, but i guess i don't want to do anything about it. i'm jsut tired of caring. so it doesnt matter anymore. the friends i have are fine and i'm okay.

and it's totally hitting me that this is the end of high school coming too soon. that soon i won't see or talk to most of my friends again for years, because they'll be off at college having a life. but i'm still here in taylorsville, building my dreams and one day i'll get out there in the real world. having started with seeing san francisco, i can't wait to get out there and see the rest of the world. i can only imagine how amzing it will be. and i will get there, by the age of 30 is my goal. and that gives me a lot of space to find a way. i will do it.....i have to.. for my sanity. i can't wait..

anyhoo, this has been a lot of what i'm feeling lately. and it's great to get it all down..way great.
but this i draw to a close.

average jane signing off. ( for now, i'm jsut content to be. btw, boys are still hot, just stupid lol)