babbling about boys and nothing in particular....

so not much really to write... but still having issues with my friend to be married. i thought that maybe i could resolve them and i thought that when we hung out a week ago, that it would be better. but if anything, it made me realize that things really won't ever be the same. i am not even sure i can handle being more than just sort of friends. cuz i know that we won't ever be best friends again. it's just not possible. too much has happened between us and we've both grown apart in the past few months... but i guess that's how life is. it's going to be okay... i really don't know why i don't feel more broken up about this. maybe cuz i saw it coming. and that in the end, i really am just a loner. someone who likes to be on my own without ppl to mess things up.

but i think i'm gonna move up in my job at steve regan company. the lady who does the hiring talked to me today, and kind of alluded to that. but we'll see next week she said.

graduation is this friday and i finally sent out invitations yesterday. i know, i procrastinate a lot. but those who are already coming didn't really need to get one, but it's more of a formality... so yeah. but i sent some to friends that will either be graduating with me or won't be coming anyways, but just wanted to send a friendly invitation to say that i consider them a friend...but yeah. well, now i'm jsut babbling.

but, so i'm watching harry potter 3 for the thirty millionth time. no surprise, cuz i love that movie. but hmm.... i just think harry potter is really hot...lol his real name is daniel radcliffe. but i also find orlando bloom really gorgeous too.

so i've been thinking about darion a lot lately. in fact i dreamt about him too. and the thing is i haven't seen him at all since sunday. which is odd, but at the same time not cuzit's the end of school and i'm not at school much. but i wonder why i keep thinking about him. i don't know. it's not like he's made any move to show that he wants anything other than friendship. and like my friend said, "i don't chase boys, boys chase me." i want to think that...but here i am pining over a guy who it appears doesn't want to be more than friends...cuz he isn't making any move. so i guess...yup my life is just normal and kind of sucks in the romance department. surprise, not....

a good movie, but better if i had my friend to share it with

so i went and saw pirates of the carribean 3 last night at 8pm!!!! can i just say amzing!!! it was so good. very well put together and so suspenseful! i was on the edge of my seat, literally, for at least half of the movie. and jack sparrow is a hoot! he keeps the movie running once again. my favorite line from him is "Nobody move! I lost my brain!!" lol you'll just have to see it to understand what i'm talkin about. oh and we got these free scarves that have a skull and cross bones on them that come from disneyland and cost $22.00 normally!!! they are so cool!! i'm wearing mine to school today to show it off. cuz i mean it's a shame to get it and not be able to wear it just cuz it's summer and warmish weather already! lol anyhoo, so that was awsome.

but also i came on to say that i miss my best friend, a lot. i miss how we used to talk about everything. and i know that i'm to blame for half of it falling apart. i need to just get over whatever unresolved issues i have with dave or steph. cuz i miss having her to talk to. and i'm sort of letting my pride get in the way of us being just friends again. like i'm not sayin i can be best friends again and trust her just as much. but i miss her as just a friend. i miss talking to her and telling her my good and bad stuff. and for the second time in the longest while, my mom said something that actually was something i could use. she said that sometimes you just need to renegotiate a relationship. because i think the hardest thing is that i want our relationship to be the same, when it's not. so maybe it's time to just start over and create a new relationship with steph as just friends, someone i can talk to. and actually not necessarily starting over. just reorganizing our friendship so that we don't keep making these stupid mistakes. cuz no matter how many times i say that oh i have other friends and that i can survive without a best friend, i still want steph as my friend. i want to be happy for her when she gets married. i want to be her best friend supporting her through whatever decisions she makes, even if i don't always agree. cuz that's what friendship is about. we've both made mistakes. we've both been at fault. and once again i let my pride get in the way. so i guess i'm just sayin that i miss steph a lot....

so maybe i'll print this out for her to read, cuz i know if i try to tell her it all, i'll probably just start crying. and i've already done enough crying....

anyhoo, i'm okay and i hope i can work things out...

averagejane signing off..
(oh ps. so i might get to move up in my job at steve regan. i'll explain later! )

never again...

right now the world could not be any worse. i feel like bawling and curling up in a ball and never going back out in the world. i now have truly and forever lost my best friend. we've been fighting and been out of sorts for months. but now it's come to an end for real. because we both have just given up. and i read her blog and she said she's given up. i never thought it would hurt so much to realize it for real, but it's like me heart is breaking into a million pieces. i didn't know that i was still holding onto a hope that it would all work out. but i guess this is it. somehow i'll find a way to mend my heart, but from now on i'm locking it up securely so that i can never have it broken again. never again. ever.

so for today i will cry and then tomorrow i have to move on. there's no way to repair a friendship that both have given up on. so now i need to just give up, for real. it's not like i can bear to talk to her without fear of falling apart and bawling. and i hate more than anything, falling apart in from of people. so i guess this is truly the end.

my life starts over tomorrow.

averagejane signing off..

and then there was one..

have you ever seen the movie, "the prince and me?" well, right now i'm feeling like julia stiles and the character she plays in it. she has two friends. and in the beginning of the movie, she is the bridesmaid for one of them. she's sitting at the wedding reception with the second friend. and she says, "and then there were two...they seem really happy, i just remember how much we used to talk about getting out there and following our dreams. i mean there's a whole world out there to see. you too, we're the last hold outs." then the second friend looks all guilty and holds up her hand showing her ring and says,"todd and i are engaged." well, that is so true in my life. cuz i remember how me and my friend used to talk about all the things we had to do: share an apartment together, go make the guards at the buckingham palace laugh, travel abroad. a whole bunch of things. we had plans. now, she's engaged. a part of me is happy that she's happy. but a part of me is sad and hurt cuz we had plans that have just fallen apart. but i guess this just means it's my time to be on my own. follow my dreams. cuz honestly, a guy doesn't fit in my plans right now. or anyone else for that matter, well beyond friendship. i have so many things i want to do. i need to see the world. in two years i am planning to study abroad. maybe in someplace like england or italy. it would seriously be amzing. so yeah. i don't why i'm saying all this. but i am, and who knows? maybe my story will end like julia stiles. maybe i'll meet my prince who won't hold me back from my dreams. but yeah. we'll see how life goes...

averagejane signing off....

a second, or is it like fourth, chance...

so maybe once again i'm setting myself up to be disappointed by darion....but i really can't lose him. he means a lot to me. it's just been hell not really talking to him these past few days. so today after school i was driving to meet nathan and lydia at the library. i drove through my neighborhood and saw darion. i said hi and told him to get in the car and that i wanted to talk to him. so he hopped in. and i told him that i was more upset that at another friend and that she had not really followed plans we had on sat. and i just kind of took it out on him. he was an easy target. and so i felt kind of stupid just sittin there and telling him this while we sat in his driveway. but i had to. and i said i was upset that he acts like he doesn't like me, when he tells me he does. and he told me that at the point that i got up and left the dance for a moment, was just the time he got up to dance with me. (i had asked him to dance and he said no..so i asked again and got mad when he said no. i didn't look at him and left the room.) so i must not have noticed it. so i guess i let my emotions get in the way once again. and i know i look stupid just going back to him when he's kind of bounced back and forth. but then again. this time it was me overreacting. he really is a good guy...and i can't help that i like him so much. even though i tried to move on, i can't ....so here i go again. silly me...
(oh btw, darion's foster mom wants me to be a math tutor for him and his brothers....lol)
but so i give darion yet another chance....
averagejane signing off...(hope it will all work out...)

blue slipped

oh so i need to provide a brief explanation. i was unable to get my graduation cap and gown. well this is in part to the fact that i got blue-slipped by my english teacher. she was afraid i wouldn't turn in my final project. *eyeroll* but to those who don't know what a blue slip is, it's basically a slip of blue paper given to a counselor saying that you can't pick up your cap and gown cuz you're failing a class and can't graduate. but the deal is that i wasn't failing. my teacher just thought i would. crazy, i know. anyhoo, so yeah. but i'll get it signed next week so that i get my cap and gown and graduate!!! YEAH!

average jane signing off for now....

a public thank you

hey i am okay. i'm just not gonna have expectations for anyone anymore. once again it's just that friends disappoint. mabye it's partly me just getting to emotional. ... and im just disappointed in guys in general. i've let myself be disappointed for far too long. it's time i face up to reality. and i really am gonna try this time. so i'm kind of just gonna be acquaintances/friends with most ppl, and nothing more. except for those i truly know that can stand the trials and such of friendship. one that comes to mind is nathan. nathan and i have gone through our share of trials and i know that nothing can change us being best friends. i don't talk to him as much as i would like. but i just know that he's always there and truly cares. i've thought so this way with so many others over my life so far, but i was wrong almost every time. and with another friend, he's also just always there, making sure i'm okay. sending me emails. doing what he can to make sure i'm okay. others may say that's creepy as we've never met, but somedays, it's totally what i need. i want to feel accepted and loved, no matter how hard i try to say i can make it on my own. and he makes me feel accepted, appreciated...

this isn't a post to point fingers or criticize. it's simply to say that i'm grateful for the two ppl in my life that i really trust most and know that will always be there for me. an email from one of them really got me to writing this, because i was explaining part of this to them. but yeah. so i really am okay. i'm moving on, yet holding on to my dear friends....

average jane signing off.( friends are truly angels...)