so i have really decided to give up on guys for now. i just create problems when it comes to them and i just confuse myself and them. i'm done with that. i can't take it anymore. so i take a leave from dealing with guys. i am not gonna get rid of my guy friends, cuz sometimes it's them that really keeps me sane. like nathan, he's amzing. but that's just him. he's been there for me through thick and thin. thanx bunches. and of course spencer has been good to me too. especially this last little while. but i've let guy issues take over for far too long. i'm just giving up for now. that's how life is. i'm locking up my heart and just going with that. i'll be okay and i'll move on and eventually unlock my heart. and i know that this past few months i've been telling myself that i need to just love like i've never been hurt, but right now, i have been hurt, mostly my own fault. and so i need time to pull myself together again. but to express my feelings i wrote this poem. i posted it on slypiggery, but i wanted to put it here.
Under Lock and Key
lock it all away
throw away the key
secure
safe
content
yet, not
can i lock away my heart
push it all away
move on
forget you
hate it, but there is no other way,
protect myself from hurting again
save me from myself
an old song comes to mind
truly i am a "hazard to myself"
should have warned you
should have warned me
lost, confused
i'm leaving
i'm gone never coming back
too hard to be me
too hard to love
life goes on
i pass you on the street
i'm surviving, adapting
this is life
on my own
i'll be okay.
so that's my poem. and for a while it'll be rocky going. but i'll survive. and yeah spencer i'm okay.
average jane signing off. (my heart will mend)