i've got a life to live

i know the title is funny. but , jsut read and you'll know what i mean!

hey so i hope everyone who reads my blog is having a good day, well relatively be cause i know of one person who's a little down. well, maybe more than a little.

but, for the first time in really a week, i am able to actually feel really happy for a long time. it began last night with hanging out with steph and army man, aka dave. we went and saw this movie called borat. yeah it was rated R. my first rated R movie. and needless to say, i found that movie overall so disgusting, i doubt i'll be seeing any rated R movie in the near future. i thought it would be really funny. but, it was rated that way for sexual content and it really became more than i could bear. i know steph felt the same way. but, i had wanted to see the movie in the first place and i thought it would be pretty funny. but, so i guess i take the blame.

otherwise though what made the night fun was spending it with two of my best friends. sadly my other best friend couldn't make it. but, we laughed and had fun. and i got away from my family. i know too that i'll always have these ppl as my friends. i draw comfort from that even now. :D and life is good. i know that even with my shitty family, life goes on. i'm not stuck living with my parents forever. and life is just beginning. i have so much to do. me and steph still have to have an apartment together. i already have the cups steph. but, she already knows that ! LOL anyhoo, that's my post for today. hope you all smile reee big!!! :D

average jane signing off. (hey i'm average, but, i can still have fun! )

dream vs. reality

so yesterday was actually not too bad. i got out of my house and the whole depressing-ness of it all. i was with my best friend and we watched an oober scary movie. well it was to me! we watched sixth sense simply cuz i had never seen it before. and it's kind of a classic movie everyone needs to see. cuz it has that classic line, "i see dead people." it was nice to get that into context.

but, then i came home and my mom was mad at me for being "late" and then she and my sister were arguing over something really stupid and i was so tempted to just walk right back out that door i had just come in. but, i didn't i just sat down and ate my dinner really fast. then i went and hibernated in my room again. and i once again began to be depressed. it's my house and my family that does it to me. i feel so locked up sometimes in what i do and it really sux. i have to be really sneaky to be able to get on everyday and post all of this. but, i know i would go more crazy if i wasnt' able to do this. and as i sat on my bed last night i was counting down the minutes and hours until i could go to sleep without drawing unwanted attention from my family. and once again i sat wondering what would happen if i took more ibuprofen to get rid of the headache my family was causing. i wondered. what if i took 8 instead of just 6? 1600 mg. a lot of ibuprofen. and by bedtime, i had almost talked myself out of it. but, then i had to spend 10 minutes with my family for our daily family scripture study and shit. yah drove me crazy all over again. and i took the 8 ibuprofen. didn't do a thing. except probably make it harder for me to sleep. i didn't sleep very well. but, last night i figured something out. i like dream world very much. i like it because most of the time i know it's not real. so i don't have to be disappointed when it doesn't all work out just right. but, life, yeah it's way too real. and ppl always tell me that nothings gonna change unless i change it. but, ya know. i've tried. and right now, there is nothing that i can change. even though i'm 18, i can't do anything because i still live in my parents house and i'm still in high school which really sux. that's why dream world is great. i know that nothing in it is real, so i don't build myself up for disappointment. and you know. life just sux sometimes. an i have to try to move on. have to try. don't always succeed. but, you know. i'll be okay.

average jane signing off. (i'm still here....)

bad dreams and sad wishes

last night i had a semi disturbing dream. i was at some car repair place. and some person named kendra, a friend of mine it seems in the dream, was there to have something worked on her car. they had fixed it then she was starting her car and smoke was coming out of her car when she turned the key. i began to yell at her to stop it and couldn't she see the smoke and all. then her car burst into flames i saw her struggle to get out of the passenger side of her car. then i heard someone yelling at me to run. they said something about gettting away as far as possible. so i turned and ran hoping that kendra was okay. (it's weird that i distinctly remember this girl's name.) but, i had to hurry and weave my way through car after car and the gas pump. if i didn't hurry the whole place was gonna go up with so much gasoline everywhere. i got out safely and i didn't know where kendra was. but, then it was like i was right by her when she was geting out and i saw how she got out and ran and kept running. and so i knew she was safe.

so that is my dream. and i can't remember anything else i dreamed last night. just that, that dream.

but, last night i went to my cousin's house for a b-day party. after we got home, i was in my bedroom lying on my bed. i was just staring off into space. and i really was feeling very down. i was listening to "Tourniquet" by Evanescence. love that group. but, i sat there and i really just found some comfort in being alone. i really needed to be alone. i've been feeling that a lot lately. like i don't think i can deal with being around ppl much. i dont' know. call me anti social or sumthin. but, i even didn't want to talk to my best friend about all of this last night. i just don't want to talk to anyone aobut this. but, somehow. just posting all of this makes it seem a bit better. like i can get my feelings out without directly having to tell anyone. this blog really is just for me. and more and more lately, i'm becoming comfortable about posting almost anything i feel like saying. because i know that i don't really care what anyone thinks of me and what i write. cuz it's me and if they don't like it that sucks for them. but, at the same time, maybe i do care. just not enough to keep me from writing all of this. sometimes i think it would be so much easier if i didn't care or didnt have feelings. often i get hurt, but i turn the hurt into anger, because no one can use that against me. ever. and so i go on through life, some days hurt and i'm so lost, but i'm okay. at least i think i am. i'm still here posting aren't i. but, today i really just need to be alone and jsut lose myself in a book. for in books, life works out, always. so i'm going to my fairytale world and maybe find some temporary happiness.

average jane signing off. (hey still here for now...)

sad nights

do you ever have those days when it seems like everything just is not right? when you feel like sometimes just living and simply existing is a waste? last night and actually right now, for no real apparant reason, i really feel that life is such a waste. last night i felt that i wish i could just sleep and not wake up. just live in my dream world. because more often than not, my dream world was better than reality. and also any book i read is always better than real life, because in the end boy and girl always fall in love. like i can't seem to figure out my own feelings. and i sure as hell haven't found that right guy yet. somedays i wish i could. but, i'm caught up in my romance novels, looking for that fairytale romance. and somehow i know that i won't find it. at least my head keeps telling me that. but, my heart is still looking.

last night, i had a slight headache, so i just decided to take some ibuprofen. i usually only take 4 at the most. but, last night i took 6 hoping that something might take away all my hurt and depression. i really was so down and there really was nothin i could do about it. i poured my heart out into my journal. yet i still was too far gone. this morning i woke up better. but, tonight already i'm down again. i swear i truly am bi-polar or something like that. and i still don't know what to do about it. sometimes it would be easier to just sleep and not wake up. hm...

average jane signing off. (don't worry, i'm okay for now...)

more christmas news

oh i forgot to mention something when i posted a few seconds ago. well, so on thursday the 21st, i got some pretty depressing news. and i guess i took it a bit the wrong way, and i literally broke down again. and then when i saw steph the next day in school and i broke down again in front of her. and she just hugged me and let me cry. it really was nice. and thought since then, i've clarified the news that i received, so it's not so hard or bad.

and last, i spent saturday night with my best friend steph. she came to my family christmas party. i'm glad that she was there. it really made the night lots of fun. and i think she had a good time.

oh and i got gift from steph's friend. a picture he had drawn and he inscribed on the back that he hoped we could become good friends. it was cool cuz he's a funny kid and he makes me laugh.

and i have to admit one last thing. last night i came to the biggest realization about myself and everything else. i found the reason why i'm not ready for a serious relationship. i'm only 18 and i feel as if i still have my whole life and that i'm not mature enough or have experienced enough to make a decision. cuz i know that if i let myself into that serious relationship, it would be more serious than i'm ready for. i know that the guy i care for cares way more about me than i'm ready for now. i care tonz about him and i would literally die if something happened to him. but, i can't commit myself to anything. i honestly feel that i need to date around more, to see if this is truly what i want. i need to experience more of life. i've been locked too much in my life and the way things are, to settle just for something that is an easy way out of my life i have now. i need to find myself first. i need to figure out what is out there in the world for me.

average jane signing off.

merry christmas

well, so it's christmas. and a sorta happy one at that. but, so i got most of the things i asked for this christmas, as i needed them. i got some new pajamas. really cute ones. one set was a blue shirt with blue polka-spotted pants. and then the second set is a purple shirt with pink flowered pants. and then i got two cds. and some earrings. and books. and a calendar and a couple of other things. oh and a tool set! hee hee! anyways.

but, so a lot has gone on these past couple of weeks. a lot of stuff both good and bad. and what has gotten me through a lot, has been the help and support of my best friend, steph. she has made me laugh when i'm down. and made me laugh even if i'm already happy. she's great and so is nathan. he's really cool. but, anyhoo.

i hope everyone else is having a merry christmas.

average jane signing off.

random ramblings! lol

so yeah. i've really decided that i'm not ready for something serious, as in a relationship with a guy. for i have so many conflicting thoughts that i can't just act on any of them and not hurt anyone with my actions. and it really sucks.

but my great friend stephanie, aka liberty belle, really made my day. we have this academy classes together and we laugh tonz. i can most seriously say that my bestest friend is steph. and so that really is a happy thought. i was just at her house and i got to talk to a friend on msn messenger. and it was cool, cuz i haven't had msn messenger for a while. sadly. but, at the same time i felt that with every word i spoke i think i might have giving this person false hope that i am ready for a real relationship. and i hope this person knows i just want to be friends. and anyhoo.

well i gotta go perform in a bit here. unfortunately. cuz i wish i could stay on the net all night! i really live on the net. but, i gotta go. thanx to all my friends for all they do.

average jane signing off! (i love you steph! :D )

conflicting emotions

so, you ever had that time in your life when you feel so confused? well, that's how my life is on a regular basis. at least for the past few months. i may seem that i have it all together but, those who really know me, like liberty belle, know that it's been a hard few months. i'll have days when i think i know exactly what i want in my life, exactly what path i'm going on. but, then just as quick, i'll have doubts and then i begin to wonder if the path i'm on is the right one for me. i'll begin to doubt some of the relationships i have with some ppl and wonder what i really want. i'll have days i'm so sure of everything it seems. i feel good and i know just how the world is gonna be for me. but, then the next day, i'll be lost again, and then i'll decide that i want just the opposite of what i wanted the day before. and it not only confuses me. it confuses my closest friends and i fear i'm sending mixed signals to those i truly care about. and that's hard . and i have to admit. there are times that i'm so missing a special someone in my life. and it's hard to just sit and not do anything, because i don't know if the next day i'll feel the opposite and then end up hurting this person. i couldn't hurt this person, cuz i really do care. and right now. i got an email from this person telling me that they wished they could just hold me. and right now, i couldn't wish for anything better than just to have him hold me. i miss him tonz. but, here i sit, not acting on it, because i'm afraid i'll do something to hurt him. and it really sucks. i wish my heart and my head could just come together on this for once and for all. *sigh*

but, last night i acted on impulse to call him from downtown of the city i live in. i had a performance with my women's choir. and i talked to him for like an hour. and i hav to admit. it was really nice. there were times when we just said nothin at all. but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. it just was a simple silence. i didn't need to say anything. i knew he was just on the other end. there for me. a good feeling. and all today i can't stop thinking about him. like this whole past two weeks i can't go a day without thinking about him. and i probably should n't think as much, because i've foudn that only makes trouble for me and my feelings. but,there are those days when thoughts of him make me smile. and who knows, maybe tomorrow i'll feel differently about what i jsut said. i swear sometimes i'm bi-polar or sumthin *eye roll*. but, for now this is how i feel. anyhoo.

average jane signing off. (why do we have such conflicting emotions anyway? *scowl*)

cookies and guys, what a combination

so last night i had a lot of fun with my friend liberty belle. she and i made cookies. it was the most random thing because normally me cooking is not even an option. she just said like two days ago, that she felt like making cookies. so yesterday we did. we were gonna do it at her house, but her pipes were rotted and decaying and had to be fixed. total pain in the butt for her. so we ended up doing it at my house. which actually turned out to be tonz of fun. we made chocolate chip cookies and snickerdoodles. but the snickerdoodles were special cuz they were christmas cookies. they had red and green sugar crystals. i thought they were pretty cool because my mom and i always make them around christmas time. and we had to make snickerdoodles because liberty belle's friend that we were gonna take cookies to, well, this friend's favorite cookie is snickerdoodle. but, we made chocolate chip also cuz who doesn't love chocolate chip cookies! :D

but, so it took us around and hour or so to make the cookies plus travel time from her house to mine. but, then we delivered the cookies. so we took them to liberty belle's friend , army man and slypig. three of the most special guys! hee hee! but, anyhoo, so we stopped by slypig's house first as it's closest to my house. even as we left to deliver i knew we were cutting it close cuz i had a performance to be at in about 4o min. but, i think we totally surprised slypig when we showed up with cookies. and i'm glad. it's more fun that way! : D but, we stayed and talked for a minute, then it was on to liberty belle's friends house. we were invited in and i have to admit. this friend was not exactly what i expected, even thought i had seen pics of him. but, he was funny and really nice and i told liberty belle i totally approve. but, anyhoo. i met this friend's mom. and she was funny and cool. but, we stayed a bit too long at that house, cuz we had to rush to army man's house. and i have to say i was a bit nervous to go. because i don't know how everything stands with him right now. but, then he answered the door and i kind of told him we brought him cookies. and i have to admit my first thought was oh my gosh. he looks so hot. and he really did. he looked cute cuz he had on this white t-shirt and pants and he just looked relaxed like it was just another day at home lounging around. and i don't why i'm being so bold in just typing all of this. but, he did look really cute. and i kind of said that i had to rush off to perform and he asked where and i told him at a friend's church. but, then i kind of hesitated then said goodbye. cuz i wanted to hug him but, i didnt' know. and gosh this is all so awkward again. but, it's totally just me. cuz i dont' want to mess it up again. anyhoo.

but, then i went and performed and then i came home and i talked to liberty belle on the phone for an hour. unfortunately i was talking to her on the phone and i was kind of falling asleep. so i told her goodbye and then i went to bed. but, i couldn't sleep very well. my head hurt and i couldn't breath very well. so i woke up like tonz during the night. this morning i asked my mom if i could jsut sleep and skip my first two periods of school. and she said okay. so here i am typing all of this down. but, i should be leaving in a little while. i've got to catch my last two periods. they are classes i can't miss. too much to work on. but, anyhoo. that's life. and so i miss someone. and i wish i could be with them more. anyhoo. i gotta go.

average jane signing off. (maybe my headache will go away soon.)

an emotional breakdown

well, so i had to work last night and so it was alright at first. but, then i had one customer come up and i got into a real conversation. i mentioned that she had a lot of stuff. and she said that just as she thought that she was done with her christmas shopping, she found more she had to buy. and i mentioned that i had bought something for a friend of mine. and then i found something else i wanted to get for him. i told her it was something related to the army and such since he was in the army. and she said oh well that might be good if he's overseas. i told her that he wasn't overseas but that he has a choice to be deployed overseas and that he is only 17. and she said that he needs to stay around a while longer. i told her he's already been in combat before. and she turned and looked at me with a mixture of sympathy and compassion on her face and said one simple sentence. she said, tell him thank you. and then she took her purchases and left. at that simple sentence, tears began to fill my eyes and my throat clogged up with emotion. my next customer came up and as i told him his total, i could hear in my voice that i was still very emotional. and the guy said two words. i'm sorry. it was simple but heartfelt and just that threatened to make me break down completely. somehow i managed to pull myself together and make it through the rest of the night.

then today, i had a 6:30 am rehearsal for choir. it was simply the last straw in my week. i was pissed off. i was tired, stressed with school. and worried about a dear friend of mine. i still am. i'm worried abou a big deciesion he has to make. and i wish i knew what he was gonna decide. because if he decides to take this opportunity, i will be greatly worried for him. more than i already am. but, i guess i'll just have to wait and see.

and so the morning rehearsal was the last straw. after it , i had choir and we were drawing names for secret santa. on the first draw i got someone i knew what to buy. unfortunately we had to draw again. on the 2nd draw, i got someone i had no idea what to get. and i got frustrated and my teacher didn't get frustrated back. i felt that i was gonna lose it so i went to the bathroom to pull myself together. i came back and thought i was okay. but, i walked in the room and my teacher came up to me and asked if everything was okay. i could tell by her face that she was sincere, and i lost it. i began to cry and she just held my hand. she asked what was wrong and said she could tell i was having a bad week. then a friend, jamie came up and gave me a hug and i cried even more. as much as i hate crying in front of ppl, it felt nice to just let it out. and tell someone else of my worries. it really helped. yet throughout the day, i felt the need to just breakdown several times. yet somehow i managed to keep it all together. but, hopefully the night will only get better. oh well.

average jane signing off. (hope your day was better than mine.)

a bad day, but last night was good!

so, yeah today really sucked. i totally was first off proud of myself for being all dressed up for t&t, but, then i get to school and i realize i need my choir getup. and so i have a friend drive me home to get it. and then we sang and it sounded dumb. we totally messed up and so now i have to go to a f***in' (please excuse my french) 6:30 am rehearsal. and what' s worse is i probably won't get home from work until 11 and to bed at midnight and then i have to get up by 5 am. ugh! totally sucky day.

but, yesterday night was good! i got to talk to a totally special guy. he came into my work. and he's cute and funny. i think he knows who he is. but, it really made my night. but, then i tried to tell my sister rachel about it all and she is just stupid and doesn't get it. she thinks i'm just setting him up to be hurt again. but, not this time. i realized my mistake. and she and my mom just don't get it. i really hate them right now. ugh. but, it's okay. i have a very special guy in my life. and so it's all good.

well, average jane signing off.

so it's sunday once again. i honestly don't really like sundays. beyond the fact that i have to go to church. sundays give me too much time to think. and today, first and foremost on my mind is army man. he's been there on my mind for about a week now. even more since saturday. and i'm beyond worried. i can't stop thinking about his possible deployment. it has me seriously worried. and i know that i've already said i'm worried. let's just say i've been told that it is way beyond how dangerous i had perceived it. and hearing this, it really put my feelings more into perspective. yet, i haven't had the chance to talk to army man face to face yet. for what i have to say, needs to be said when i can see him. and i have to say i can't wait to see him.

also, i got to talk to my best friend. we talked about our problems. he needed to talk to me about his girl issues. and then i told him of my worries about army man. and he said that he echoes my concerns. and i almost felt like crying. because i really am worried. the hardest part about it is that right now i can't do anything about it. and it's hard. but, i guess the best i can do is just wait.

average jane signing off.

thoughts that worry me

well, so i was hanging out with a good friend of mine at a baby shower for her cousin. and i have to admit, i bet it was hell to have to deal with her family. i really feel bad for all the shit that her family deals out. like her grandma was downright rude and inconsiderate. and of course my friend dished it out right back. i have to admit it was just a bit funny to see it. only a little bit.

but, as we were driving home, (we had an hour drive) we got to talking about a guy that means a lot to me. army guy. and he has the choice of whether he wants to be deployed overseas for 10 to 18 months. and i think there's a good possibility that this deployment could be a lot more dangerous than he has been letting on. and it scares me to be honest. i was just sitting next to my friend. and i began to cry. it really made me think about the fact that he could die. and i cried and she told me not to cry cuz then she was gonna cry. but, i told her. i already have a few friends that are semi-suicidal. i don't need another friend that could possibly die. and i couldn't bear it especially with army guy. honestly. it would kill me. and it really hit me so hard. and for the most of the ride home, thoughts of him kept going through my head. i hope he knows how much he means to me. and he'll probably read this and hopefully he'll understand how special he is. and i just had to write all this down.

oh and this moratorium thing, not working too well, when i still very much care for this guy. hmmmm.....

anyhoo, this is average jane signing off. (a worried, very average jane. )

quote of the week

hey so i've decided to do a quote of the week for my blog. and well, i was reading this yesterday and it's totally become my new theme for life. because it's the truest thing i've ever heard.


"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

an update on my moratorium

well, so i'm still trying hard with this moratorium thing. cuz i know that it's best for now. and honestly. i think i deal better with guys just as friends. cuz then i don't feel as awkwrd sometimes telling them certain things. it 's just a friendship. and you know. yesterday i was at a concert and the cathedral of the madeline. i had to go to it to use it for a humanities "cultural event." and i have this great friend that is engaged. she got engaged on her 18th birthday this year. and she isnt' getting married until next june. and a little while a go i was jealous that she had a great guy. and it relly was kind of hard. bu,t the funniest thing was that last night, i simply just didn't care. beyond the fact that their snuggling and kissing just got a bit annoying. i didnt at all feel like i wish i had a guy with me. and it seems i've made a little progress.

but, anyhoo. so nothing has changed with tall guy. in fact i havent' even seen him since the 29th of november. almost a week. it's like he's never at school anymore. and it's kind of weird.

and i have to admit that i have conflicting emotions on something else, i won't mention. but, i thin kthe best solution for me is to simplly not think about it. just forget it and move on. and so that is the action i am going to take. and maybe it will turn out to be the wrong one. but, at least i did something. and so that's how my life is.

actually over all, life is good. i should probably actually do my homework. but, that seems too much effort to me right now! :D anyhoo.

well, average jane signing off. :D

all's fair in love in war (or is it?)

all's fair in love and war, at least that's what they all say. but, i don't know. i don't really agree with that cliche.(unless of course it's getting revenge on a guy! j/k not really.) honestly, it's jsut an excuse to do whatever you feel in a relationship. an excuse to be mean or such and have an excuse for it. and it sucks. but, i guess that life sometimes hands us crap to make us better ppl. at least that's what my mom would say. but, ya know. i guess maybe i feel the same way too. cuz i know without the experiences i've had, i wouldn't be where i am today. but, then i wish the fates wouldn't mess with my mind and heart and hormones. i swear there a re days when i'm bi-polar or sumthin. maybe it's just cuz i'm a girl. but, there are those moments when i know exactly what i want out of life. i know exactly where i'm going. and then i have the days i don't know. nd of course once i think i've really decided, that 's when a change comes and i realize that i want something different. and right now i know what i want. and honestly i'm very sure of it. yet if you had asked me yesterday what i needed or wanted then it would have been the complete opposite of what i know i need now. and you know. i think most of my problems have stemmed from my being so "boy crazy," per se. thus i've come to the decision that i really need to just stay away from being more than friends with guys. honestly. i think i just need to be me and have my friends, but, i can't deal with anything more. i really can't . and now that i've come to this realization, who knows how long it'll last. when it comes to matters of the heart, that is when i know i need to consulte my brain and it hasn't failed me in the past. so now i make it official! i swear off guys for this whole school year. actually indefinitely until i decide otherwise. cuz i only complicate things if i mess with all of that. and i know it won't be the easiest thing to do. but, i know that for my sanity an well being i have to.

average jane signing off. (my moratorium from guys begins.)

thoughts of religion, VL and other such stuff!

hey, so i was jsut sitting on my bed and looking at my toenails today. cuz for my birthday, i painted them all a different color. pretty interesting result. so i painted them purple, red, yellow, green,blue, and a sort of white/purple. they are pretty amzing if i do say so myself. hee hee! :D

but, then last night i had this dream. i was with tall guy and he was holding my hand and it was like we were going out. and it was him reaching to take my hand and we were jsut walking and he put his arm around me and it just felt amzing. and i know i shouldn't be thinking about this. cuz tall guy was a jerk and i'm not gonna set myself up to be hurt again. but, dreams i seriously have no control over. and that sucks. well, sometimes they are good dreams

so yeah i'm totally still VL. for those of you who dont' know what that means, oh well, ask someone who knows, because i'm not gonna take the time to explain. but, so on the day i turned 18, i totally thought about that. and i thought, yeah, sweet 18. and i wonder. is that a good or bad thing. i guess it is good. because a kiss is something special. you shouldnt go around jsut kissing anyone. same as sex. i honestly think that premarital sex is so wrong. if you love someone enough to have sex, then you would love them enough to marry them right? honestly. and maybe the same could be said to apply with kisses. i don't know. i guess as the years go on i'll figure that out. my random thought of the day.

and so, today is sunday. another day of church come and gone. and every time i'm in church i wonder. i wonder, is there really a god? and what is the right gospel? what really is true? i know even as i write this that i will soon hear from my good friend spencer. and he'll tell me what he believes. and i guess i do believe there is a god. i mean how could the whole of everything come to pass. how else could it all happen. honestly. but, i don't know where religion is in my life. where it goes. i've tried sometimes to try and integrate it into my life. but, it somehow just doesn't seem to fit. maybe it's just that i dont' deal well with change. after all i've kind of pushed religion aside since 9th grade of 10th grade. and so i've kind of gotten used to my life. but, i dunno. i kind of want religion. to and extent. but, i'm still so confused. anyhoo, just my constant state of mind.

but, yeah thanx to my friends. i have the greatest bunch. you all know who you are.

and right now i'm watching the polar express. good show. and i gues i've blabbered long enough.

average jane signing off.

ho hum! HEE HEE!

hey, it's me again. well, i just had an enlightening experience reading army guy's blog. i hadn't read it in a while, and he had a few new posts. so i checked them out. and it kind of gave me the chills to hear that i was the one he trusted most with his personal stuff. like he had told me the most personal stuff. and it was nice to know he trusted me so much.

anyhoo, so enough of sad. i kinda started getting myself down in the dumps again. but, i just have to say, i'm glad i have this to come to everyday. i honestly have so much fun postin all of this then hearing back from paleo. he's funny. and he makes me laugh. especially when he does that whole cousin elizabeth thing. hee hee. well, i just have to say it makes my day to hear from him. well, unfortunately, i have to go to work. bu,t it shouldnt be all too bad. at least i can think of the crazy and funny and sweeet things paleo said and smile. oh and also smile cuz i dont have to work on sunday!!

hey this is average jane signing off! (smile because of great friends!)

happy turkey day!!!

hey, so happy turkey day everyone. i can't believe it's already thanksgiving. that means that christmas is in month from tomorrow. wow. how crazy is that. but, yeah so i just got finished watching the macy's thanksgiving day parade. i taped part of it cuz i couldn't watch it earlier. it was really cool cuz RBD, a latin group, performed, along with jonas brothers, josh kelly and chris brown and ciarra performed. really amzing. i love to hear them sing and it was cool to see them live, sort of. but, then there were really cool floats and balloons. i liked the balloon of scooby doo. really cool. oh and then ther was this float with "barbie" on it. i loved the song she danced to. it's called shine.

but, yeah so for thanksgiving i'm gonna be eating with my mom's family. and unfortunately, my grandpa just remarried about a month ago. and so my grandpa's new wife will be at the dinner thingy. and i really dont like her. sometimes it seems too much that she's trying to take over my grandma's place. my grandma's only been dead two years on nov. 21st. and it seems way too soon for my grandpa to remarry. most of the family are still upset about it. and she had the gall to send some letter or sumthin and sign it mom and dad. she'll never be "mom". really dumb. and then she had to send us a card for thanksgiving and her return address sticker said Mrs. William W. Thorup. really made me mad. i know she's married to my grandpa, but, she doesn't have to flaunt it. anyhoo, that's my mad spree for the day. it'll all be okay.

so i decided to take the advice of a good friend of mine. he said that it's amzing how music affects your mood. he said a sad song may come on and you'll listen for a bit. but he changes to a happy song. and so he unknowingly gave me good advice. so i've been trying all today to listen to happy music. if a sad song comes on, or a mad one, i'll listen for a sec if i like the song. but then i quickly change to a happier song. so far it has kept me in a better mood. so i'm gonna keep up with that. anyhoo.

well, i gotta go check on other stuff.

average jane signing off! (have fun stuffing your faces, but remember to be grateful for all you have! afterall, that's what this day is all about! oh ps. i'm gratefull for all my friends. stephie, nathan, spencer, dave, lydia, cami, noely, hilarie, jason c., jason b., tiffany, and all the others i can't think of right now! thanx so much guys!)

thoughts to keep me awake

well, last night i lay in bed thinking. i was trying to get to sleep and i couldn't because my mind wouldn't let me rest. i kept thinking about my life and how so much has changed, especially in the past few months. and i think i still very much like a great guy who my chance has come and gone with. yet i dont' know for sure where my feelings stand. i don't know. and i can't act on it because it is way too complicated. and thoughts of that kept me up for a while. but, it basically was pointless to even think about it because i can't do anything about it. yet, my mind somehow didn't catch on to it.

anyhoo. well, i'm home sick again. and i'm watching mobsters and mormons. a really funny show. i really can't believe i've never seen it before. but, so i wish that i was at school still, instead of bored out of my mind at home. and you know this horrible part in the movie just happened. the mobster family got into their car and then their car blew up. just blew up. it wasn't fair. they were coming around to be okay. and then they jsut got blown up. i know it's still a movie. but, then this kind of stuff happens in real life. like the columbine high school shooting. nothing happens the way it should. innocent people are killed just because they believe in god. and it's not fair. my mom's always telling me life isn't fair and to just get over it. but, still it makes me stop and just stand still in horror at the crazy things. and sometimes i wonder if i believed in god if i would stand up for it if someone asked me at gunpoint if i believed in god. and you know. i wish i really did know. but, that's how it all goes.

anyhoo, once again i want to thank my friends for all they do for me. all the love, friendship and encouragement they have given me.

paleo, thanx for your friendship and concern. you really have become one of my closest friends even though i've never met you face to face, though someday i hope to.

slypig. hey i've known you since we were sophomores. crazy aint' it. well, your friendship and encouragement to be myself means a lot to me. i know we'll be friends forever.

army guy, it's been great having you as a friend.you are truly a gentleman and the kindest guy i know, along with paleo. (and paleo and army guy, no denying my compliments. :D ) you are one of my greatest friends and i hope we stay in touch.

and freak, i love ya. you are so funny and you let me jsut be my crazy self.

thanx again everyone. you are all amzing.

ps. oh the mobster family didnt really blow up. thank goodness.

and right now i'll finish off my stay at home watching hogan's heroes. i need a good laugh. well, later

average jane signing off.

birthday thanx!

so here i am. i'm back after being gone for a long time. and yesterday was my 18th birthday. overally it was great. i had tonz of birthday wishes from my special friend dr. paleo. it wa great. really made my day. another thing that made my day was the fact that my good friend army man, came by and dropped off a gift for my birthday. he gave me the fourth season of Hogan's Heroes. me and him had talked about how i could never find the fourth season. and he found it and gave it to me for my birthday. that really made me smile.. and then slypig sent me an email for my birthday and it was so great and made me smile. i really have the greatest friends. and i'm so glad i've met them all. if it hadn't been for slypig, i doubt i would ever have met army guy or paleo. so thanx sent to slypig for everything. he's my greatest friend.

but, today i am unfortunately home sick. i woke up this morning and my head was pounding and i felt like i'd only got about 2 hrs of sleep. i didn't sleep well at all last night. so i told my parents i should stay home and they let me. so yeah. but, well, i'm watching hogan's heroes as i type this. i really love this show. it was really great. really hilarious. cuz colonel klink just ran his car into his apartment cuz the prisoners didn't put the brake cables back in! hee hee! thanx again army guy. but, so i finally set up my own bank account yesterday and i will have my own checks and my own debit card and everything within the next two weeks. it's great.

oh yesterday night i went and saw superman returns with slypig and a few other friends. it was a good movie, but the best of it was just being with my friends. it was good to know that i had such great friends to want to share my birthday with me. and slypig was a gentleman and got popcorn! really nice. but so my birthday was great thanx to all my great friends. thanx all of you! *big hug sent to you all*


oh this is an add on from my original post. so for those of you who have been reading my previous posts about tall guy, well things have turned around a bit. i talked to him and he apologized for all that he said and said that he hadn't meant to hurt me. he said that sometimes he says stupid shit to fit in with people. and he was sincere. so i forgave him and right now we stand as just friends. he still has his stupid girlfriend. but, that's how life goes. and thank goodness i got everything settled with tall guy. even though i was terribly hurty by what he said, he didn't really mean it. but, so i don't set myself up to be hurt again, i won't let myself be more than a friend with tall guy. so yeah, that's how life is.

average jane signing off.

my musings

so i'm sitting at home and listening to sad music, which brought on my mood. i am hurting emotionally right now.and there's really no good reason for it, compared to the shit some of my friends have seen or been through. but, i was just sitting here and thinking of all the hurt i've caused and all that has been inflicted on me. i think of how hurt i was when tallguy was so insensitive. i really was hurt. but, i'm strong. i dont' let my weaknesses show. tha's just life. and it goes on. and i thought of how i hurt army guyand i cried. life sucks
avearage jane later.

disappointed in men

so yeah, looks like once again, what i think is great turns out to be a load of shit. well, so from my previous posts you can understand that i think tall guy likes me. well, turns out maybe not like i thought so.

so i come from a mormon family. and every wednesday night, there is an activity for all the guys and girls between the ages of 12-18. well, last night, my activity was earlier than everyone else's, so after our opening part of the night, i didn't have to stay. but, i ended up hanging around the church. and so tall guy it appears still has a girlfriend. he tells me he likes me, but he has a girlfriend. anyone else find something wrong with this picture? anyways, but, so his brothers tell me he's off in one of the classrooms with his girlfriend. and so they go barge in on them and scare them. but, they're in one of the classrooms with the lights off. soon all of us are in there just talking. tall guy's girlfriend leaves for a minute and i get the chance to talk to him. and i ask him why he bothered to see if i liked him when he already has a girlfriend. and he basically said that in case he and his girlfriend break up, he wants a backup. he seriously told me i was just backup. yeah. talk about a slap in the face. and then he is sitting with his girlfriend and signs to me that he loves her. (oh side note about his girlfriend, she's bi. and i dont' have anything against gay or whatever ppl. i just thought it might bug him to be going out with girl that also goes with girls.) anyways, and then i'm just plain pissed off at him. and he tells me, in answer to my question of why he's going out with her, that i don't understand that guys have certain needs, meaning physical stuff. and i thought that was bullshit. but, then to make matters worse, i go and talk to him again completely alone. and i tell him that i do like him. but, i'm not gonna wait around and just hope he and his girlfriend break up. and so i just sit there and sort of talk to him and i'm really pissed and hurt and sad and angry, and almost any other emotion you can think of. and he could sense this. so he comes over to me. (we were in another classroom with the lights off.) and he said to me "what's wrong? you can tell me." and i just sit there. so he comes over and puts his arms around me and gives me a hug. then he rubs my back and tells me it's okay. and it felt nice. i'll admit it. so i told him how i felt about the whole situation. how i was angry, sad, jealous and frustrated. and he was nice about it. we were getting to really seriously discussing it when his girlfriend walked in. we immediately stopped talking and she was like, ' do i need to leave?" and we said that it was up to her. and i think she could sense something. but, she left us alone. soon after that, i had to go home, but, things were left unfinished between us.

but, this whole thing has me in a really depressed sort of mood. and i stillfeel every emotion possible. and that in itself is frustrating cuz i don't know how i completely feel about it. but, i guess life goes on. and for now, me and tall guy will be just friends. and if the time comes and he and his girlfriend break up, and i'm single, i may or may not give him a chance. we'll see how life is when i get there.

average jane signing off.

funny times

so yeah. tall guy approached my sister after school today. and i heard about it from her at home. she came up to me and said, "so i had someone ask me for a favor today." and i asked her, "oh, what?" she said," tall guy called my name and told me to stop and asked me something." and she went on to say, " tall guy asked me to talk to you and see how you felt about him." and i just burst out laughing. it was really funny. cuz tall guy just asked me yesterday himself. and it was really funny. he must actually like me. it's kind of cool. and it's kind of cute, for him to go to all the trouble of finding out how i feel about him.

anyhoo, so life's okay. and i am okay. i'm really excited about what may develop with tall guy. anyhoo, yeah whatev.

average jane signing off! (smile!)

i'm back

so i'm back after being gone for about a month. yeah so i was grounded for meeting ppl on the net. well, now i just have to comply with my parents rules so i can get on and check emails and update my blog. anyhoo, but, life's okay.

well, so the funniest and the cutest thing happened today. i was at lunch at school and i stopped on my way into the lunchroom to talk to my friends. and my friend well, let's call him tall guy, i know. not original. but, anyhoo, he yells at me, "you're short." and i go over to him and jokingly say, "yeah you wanna make somethin' of it?" and i get in his face. and he says" it's okay you're short." and he gives me a hug. see, i'm about 5'9" and he's about 5'11" or 6'. so he's only a little taller than me. but, then i go and get my lunch. i come back to my table and set my tray down as i hear someone call my name. i turn around and see tall guy beckoning me. so i go over and see what he wants. he starts to read my shirt and i assume that was what he wanted. but, then he says, "how do i ask this?" and he looks a bit nervous. and so i sit down and wait. he says "fuck, how do i say this?" he turns to his friend and says this same phrase about 3-4 times more. then i finally say, "just ask it." cuz i'm thinking that he just wants me to talk to another girl he likes and tell her that he likes her. but, then he says, "do you like me?" and i was torn between cracking up laughing and bein flattered. cuz it was so unexpected and yet happy. so i tell him yeah, he' s a cool guy to hang out with. and i say, do you like me? and he said kind of bashfully,"yeah" and it was cute and funny cuz he was so nervous to ask me. how cute. hee hee. anyhoo, that's life.

average jane signing off! (smile, it's 60 degree weather where i'm at. a real heatwave! LOL)

wrong century

you know, sometimes i think i was born in the wrong century. i read books of how life was in the 18th century. of how the women were adored by men. at least in all my romance novels. so maybe it wasn't always like that. but, sometimes i wish i could go back to the time when there was fancy balls and chivalry and manners and everything. sometimes in the world today, that is so hard to find. unfortunately. but, yeah lifes okay. i'm sitting on a public computer at the library typing this cuz i'm banned from my home computer. well, i gotta go. i only have an alloted time to do this on the library computer.

average jane signing off. (yes paleo i'm still okay! :) )

hey

hey this is just a simple post to say, i'm okay. for my friends like paleo who were very worried for my sake, i'm okay. i got back okay. unfortunately i was caught in a lie when my parents found out i met the guy initially online. and the hardest thing was, this time it wasn't my sisters who usually rat me out. but, it was my cousin who actually went with me and hung out with this guy. he ratted me out and his mom called my mom. yeah life sucks. so i'm lucky to even be on posting this. but, that 's all the time i have for this. later.

average jane signing off. (life's a bitch and then you die)

job news!

well, guess what? i got a job. it's at a craft/sewing store called joann's. i think they might only have those stores in my home state. i dunno! but, i had an interview today and i got the job! but, i am still holding out for a job at seagull book and tape, and i have an interview on monday for that. so we'll see how that all works out. but, whatever, i totally have a job no matter what. and i'm way stoked. but, hey i gotta go!

average jane signing off! (though it rains heavily here, i love it! )

guys or girls? (no i'm not lesbian :-P)

so yeah just got back from a deca officer dinner. it was fun cuz i met some new ppl. since i don't really know them all too well, i'm not too concerned with anonymity. i met kurt, who wants to be a dental assistant and skyler who was jsut a funny guy. and i just had a blast mingling with them. they go to different schools, but, i found it was easy to talk to kurt.

and i'm becoming better friends with this guy off my friend's forums. i'll call him merlin. but, he is a great guy. i find it really easy to talk to him. too bad he lives across the country from me and my friends.

but, how is it that most often, it's easier for me to talk to guys? honestly. i have lots of gal friends, but, the ones i hang with most are guys. and the ones i feel most comfortable around are guys. i have a lot of guy friends. and it amazes me. cuz i wouldn't consider myself popular. far from it. but, i realized just two days ago, when my friend that is a sophmore this year was walking wiht me down the halls of school and i had so many ppl i said hi to. and of course, lots of them are guys. and am i the only girl who feels it's easier to talk to guys sometimes? if so, sux for everyone else. but, i was actually talking to a friend and he said he finds it easier to talk to girls. and it got me thinking, maybe it's just an opposite gender thing. i guess that with me it's just cuz there's really no drama with guys. they say it how it is and you can just be whatever. it's not like you're having to fit in like it so often is with girls.

i dunno. just my ramblings. but, i really am grateful for all my guy friends. both old and new. you guys are beyond amzing and cool!

average jane signin off! (guys are just better as friends! no offense to all my girls!)

losing myself?

yeah so i know that i said that i wanted to give religion a try. but, you know what. i can't do it. i really tried. but, there's just something in me that can't do it. i like the way my life is and i don't want to change it. i know that i'm happy with my life and i really don't like change. i know that people have always said that religion brings happiness into your life. but, i don't know. i didn't even feel like it was improving my life. i felt as if i was trying so hard to be something i wasn't . like i was trying so hard to be someone other than myself. it wasn't me. i know it sounds extreme and everything. but, i felt as if i was losing a part of me. the person i had created; that i had found. and i know it probably makes no sense to all my friends. but, it's sometimes how life goes.
and for the most random unexplainable reason, i came to tears last night. i don't know why i did. i was talking to my sister and everything jsut overwhelmed me. i was mad once again about tour, and life jsut for no reason sucked. and i began to get tears in my eyes so i told my sister that iwas about to cry so i was gonna go to my room. and then i got my journal out and sat on my bed. i put the rascal flatts CD, me and my gang, in my discman.i listened to the song entitled what hurts the most. and i just cried. now i don't let myself cry normally. cuz i hate it, cuz it means i have a weakness. but, i'm admitting it now. i cried for myself, i cried for how i had to hurt a friend. and it really helped. but, last night i just felt so alone and so sad. but, yeah life goes on i guess. it's just that there's times when i wonder. about everything. but, i'm okay.

average jane signing off. (hey, life is okay.)

Shooting in an Amish Town

hey i just got back from my interview and it went okay. but i went into my mom's room and the saddest story was on the news. some crazy gunman went wild in an amish town. it was so sad to hear about it. apparently it was in nickel mines, pennsylvannia. according to the story the guy came into the amish town and took six girls hostage in the school and shot them all execution style. two of the girls died instantly and one died later at the hospital, while three remain in critical condition. the man was the local milkman and he called his wife just before he shot the girls to tell her that he was acting out to get revenge for something that happened 20 years ago.
for more info, check this link out: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/10/02/national/main2055177.shtml

it really saddens me to see what our world has become. this is the 3rd school shooting or such that has taken place in the past 3 weeks. how do people become so corrupt and so lost that they think this is right? like in the bailey, colorado shooting. the man held 6 girls hostage. he sexually assaulted them before he ended up killing one and himself. honestly, i cannot even fathom what could have gone so completely wrong in people's lives to make them act in such a way. i jsut have to say my prayers and condolences are with all those hurt or affected by any of thes shootings. the amish are a peaceful people. the girls all hurt were just young teenage girls. they were innocent girls and did not deserve this. my condolences once again.

average jane signing off.

job interview!

hey guess what? i have a job interview in about a 1/2 hour. and i think i might actually get the job. and i really need it. i have like two trips to pay for this april and i need the money. so i hope it all goes well. and i'll keep you all posted. but i gotta go and get ready so i make a good impression and actually get there early. so later.

average jane signing off! (smile cuz life is good!)

i survived!

yeah so guess what? i survived the first day of General Conference! yeah amazing. no the amzing thing is, when i actually listened i found that i actually enjoyed it. i enjoyed listening to what the leaders of my church, the mormon church, had to tell us. i especially like Brother worthlin's talk. he talked about the resurrection of christ. and he said that so often in our lives there are times that are like the friday of christ's crucifixtion. it's hard and trying times, but, our sunday, like that when christ rose from the dead, will come. the hard stuff will end. and it was really comforting to hear that. then of course there was a talk on tithing. and i have troubles with tithing and so i felt it was totally directed at me. and it was good to hear what the man had to say. and today was the first time i n forever that i actually listened to conference. but, i'm glad i did. i have to say, it's made it a little easier to try to get back into religion with the encouragement of friends like lizbiz, slypig, and freak. thanx so much. and of course paleo. thanx bunches to all my friends. i really do want to know for myself whether the church is true and where religion fits into my life.

just an average jane signing off! (smile cuz life is good!)

an almost fight at the football game

so last night i went to my high school football game. it was a blast and i got to spend the time with some of my best friends like slypig and freak. it was so much fun! first we went to the tailgate party and ate yummy hotdogs. then of course we painted our faces with giant TWs for our school. we totally got into the game. i really don't undertand football i must admit. however. i got the fact that the players are trying to get a touchdown. but, we yelled and screamed our hearts out! it was amzing. at halftime we totally rolled down the hill. i felt like a little kid again. and it was beyond fun. of course i remembered to include freak this time. also, me and my cousin-sasquatch-and slypig decided to go to the opposing teams side. yeah i know most people told us we were totally and completely crazy. but, so we venture over there and slypig gets the great idea to make video of us going over. and he totally dramatizes it. and of course sasquatch fell to the ground like he had been hurt. and i was all like oh no! dramatized of course! and he's all like i just need donuts and i'll be okay. then we go over and the other team really booed us. i expected it but they were really kinda mean about it. they were basically shooing us away and being beyond rude. then as we were slowly heading back to our side, a group of about 5 guys approach us and begin talking to us. they start off and just ask my cousin if he feels embaressed cuz he looks like a faggot. (now i should explain what he looks like- he had one half of his face painted blue, the other yellow. and then his arms were blue and yellow. it was awsome!) anyhoo, slypig says, yeah that's what we value at our school. hee hee! but, then the guy who was razzing us didn't even go to the opposing team's school. he went to an entirely different school! and it was one of his friends that totally told us. it was hilarious. but, then the guys asks me if i'm sasquatch's girlfriend or sumthin cuz i was totally defending him. and i was like no, he's my cousin. but then i said that yeah he's my boyfriend and put my arm around him. the guys were all like eww. and gave us funny looks. then slypig says, yeah we swing that way at our school. it was priceless. i think that if we'd been there for a minute or two more there would have been a fight and it would have been funny. but, yeah then we finally made it safely back to our own side after some more razzing from the other team's side while we cheered for my school. yeah it was a blast . and i think that is enough for today! later.

and average jane signing off.

explanations and questions

because of comments i got on my last post, i have decided to explain more fully my intentions. so i met this guy on myspace. however i understand the dangers in going and meeting him. but, i am taking all the possible precautions. okay here is how it will go. possibly next saturday. he is coming to my house to "meet" my parents. they only thingk that he's a friend i knew last year in high school. but, then i'm going to go with two friends, one guy and one girl. i'm gonna have my own car, so that if anything gets awkward i can leave if i feel like it. and i won't ever be alone with him. and of course i'll be in public places with my friends right by my side at all times. hope that will at least pacify my friends. i understand your concern. especially army man's and paleo's but, please. let it go! i'm gonna take all possible precautions and it'll all be okay. thanx for your friendship paleo. it means a lot to me. hopefully this will at least ease your worries. i hope someday i can meet you and tell you face to face how much your friendship means to me.

anyhoo, happy thoughts. so yeah i actually did my homework for school and i'm actually caught up with all my grades. i have b's or higher. and it's great. cuz it means that maybe i can survive senior year. and honestly i never thought that i'd be the studious type, but, at the same time, sometimes there's just a simple joy in learning. i like learning about new cultures. it really interests me. i guess that's the one thing i like about my humanities class is that i'm being introduced to new culture and new ideas. and it seems that one big question keeps popping up every time i go to class. and that is, is there really a god? we're focusing on religon, and i can't help but wonder. but i guess that's for me to find out .

average jane signing off!

complications, but, still moving on!

so about a year ago i met this guy on myspace. you all know what myspace is. it's gotten a lot of bad publicity because some perverted guys use it to find young girls to use for their sexual pleasures. and i happened to meet a great guy on it. we've been emailing back and forth for about 8 months now. we kept in contact first through myspace, then switched to email. but, i've gotten to know him so well that i honestly would trust him. however, i have some friends that don't think i should meet him. they say it's way too dangerous and he could turn out to be some crazy person. i understand completely their concerns. but, at the same time, i've really come to know this guy and my gut instinct tells me that it's gonna be okay. and my instinct has never once been wrong, well, maybe in the case of my ex boyfriend. i thought i was ready for a boyfriend, but i wasn't. anyhoo, like when i tried going on chat rooms a couple nights cuz i was bored, i got this feeling that something wasn't right about it. and so i got off. but, when i talk to this guy, mr. space, i'll call him, i don't ever get that feeling. and even when i plan to meet up with him, possibly by myself, i don't at all feel nervous or unsettled about any of it. and you know what, i'm gonna meet up with him this saturday and i'm gonna have a blast. and if anyone still feels i shouldn't well, that's their opinon.
but, otherwise in life i'm doing good. i'm doing very good being guy free. i think i need to just live life right now. after all, it's my senior year, it's a time to be carefree and just have fun. that is apparent by the fact that i have two senior trips to plan for in april. yeah i'm going to go to san francisco twice within two weeks for both of my trips. it's kind of ironic that i'm stuck going to the same place, but, i'll be with two different groups and we'll be doing different things. with my travel and tourism group, it's a more structured trip. we'll be visiting hotels and talking to stuffy management people. but, still we get to see alcatraz and fly by plane. but, with my choir tour i'm gonna be going to amusement parks, seminars at stanford, and going to ghiradelli square. oh and of course sing and perform. it's gonna be awsome. so yeah that's enouhg of my babbling for today! that's my life! you should create a blog and have fun like me~

average jane signing off!

life goes on!

kay, so today wasn't too bad. in fact i think it's best to move on. so i have these really crazy friends. they are foster boys in my neighborhood. there are four of them. and to preserve anonymity, i will assign each a code name. so we have my favorite first. i will call him, playa, cuz he always tells me he's just playin with me. just messing with me. he's great. then there's gangsta. he just sometimes acts like a gangster, so it was the first name to pop in my head. the other two i'll mention later. but, right now these guys are among my best friends, though nathan and spencer still top it. but, i can just have crazy fun with them and not have to worry about anything. in fact, i often forget what made me so upset or sad in the first place. like playa, he really acts dumb and i can joke with him non stop. he's great. and gangsta, he can be really sincere and sometimes the serious and smart side of him will come out. and it' like you see a whole new person. but, you don't often see that side of him, cuz i guess the gangster side just pushes out first. but, i wish more people could see that side, then they'd understand why he's so great. actually he calls me his best friend. and i seriously consider him one of mine. well, that's all for now. average jane signing off. (hey! the sun is shining! smile!)

what next

now here's the hard part. i have to go to school and see him for the first time since i broke up. but, the hard part is not feeling so sad that i hurt him. i don't want it to hurt, but, it does. i've done something i can't take back. no matter how i wish i could. cuz i know it would'nt be right. i can't just let it go on with me always doubting whether i'm doin the right thing. but, the hard thing too is that i think i've hurt him the deepest he's been hurt in a while. and it hurts knowing that. i wish there was an easier way to do this. but, there's not. however, they say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. or as he would say, what doesn't kill you only prolongs the inevitable. yeah. it's so hard, but, i know i did the right thing for me, for both of us, though right now it may seem so wrong. i just wish i had paid more attention to my past experiences, cuz it seems that whenever i get serious with a guy, i freak out and just have to break it off. and if i'd paid more attention to the past, i wouldn't have hurt him so much. well, i gotta go. to school unfortunately. hope it all goes okay and things don't get worse. average, messed-up jane signing off.

hard times

today i did one of the hardest thing i've done in a long time. i broke it off with my boyfriend. it was so hard. i felt so bad having to hurt him. but, in the long run, it's better this way. for a couple days now i've totally been doubting whether i really knew what i was getting into. i didn't know if i was ready for a relationship. in essence i guess you could call it cold feet. but, it was worse than that. and i realized that i needed to tell him that i couldn't have a serious relationship because it would be hurting me, along with him, if i didn't and just let it go on. and now i don't have to worry about making it worse. it's sad, but i feel as if a great worry has been lifted. but, i wish i could go back to the way things were before. life was just so much easier. i've learned my lesson the hard way.it's just a lot easier with guys as friends, so yeah i now swear off guys. but, life moves on and i'll be okay. it'll be hard, but, i'm tough. average jane signing off.

what to think

so today i officially got asked to homecoming by my boyfriend. it was really cute. but , ya know sometimes my feelings are so messed up and i don't know what to think. and i wish i knew what my true feelings were. i hate that my mind doesn't want to comply with me. it's way too hard sometimes to just find out what i want most in life. wish my mind could clear.oh well, life moves on. average jane signing off.

great times

so i went to temple square on Sunday, the 17th. and ya know what? it was the best time I 'd had in forever. we just wandered temple square, checked out the visitors centers, looked at the assembly hall, perused main street plaza. yeah it was good. but, i guess the most part that really made it fun was that i was just hangin with Dave, my boyfriend. it really was amazing. i don't think i will ever be able to find a time that really made me as happy as that night.

good news

today is a great day. first my boyfriend meets me outside my 1st period class to just say hi, then today after school i have the best talk with my mom. i told her about my boyfriend and it turns out she doesn't care that i have a boyfriend. so i don't have to be secretive about him anymore. it's kind of a good feeling. but, life is good and it's gonna finally all work out great. anyhoo, well, i gotta go. average jane signing off.

belatedly in memory of 9/11

i want to make a belated tribute to 9/11. on monday i was too preoccupied to write it. but, on the forums of one of my friends, we had a topic about sept. 11th. we discussed the implications and all that has happened in the past 5 years since the terrorist attacks. but, we discussed whether we should have a memorial and consecrate the ground where such a terror had happened. army man said the people who died did that. but, i believe that a memorial is not necessary to remember those who were lost in the 9/11 tragedy.
and as to consecrating the ground, those who died in the attack already did that with their blood and tears. the hearts that still ache for the loved ones lost, it is for them we should remember those lost. so many died trying to protect the freedom we have, to save those hurt by terrorists. and in the end, many were lost.

but, many were saved. i think the best is to focus on the future, though without forgetting the past. for it is our experiences, our struggles that shape us. the past is always a part of us, but, if we hold on to the past, we cannot move on and continue on in the battle for good that our men in uniform have fought so hard for.

it is up to us to proudly declare that we are Americans, citizens of the United States of America.

it is up to us to give our support to the men and women in the armed forces. they are fighting to keep us free. and they are doing the best they can.

my prayers are with all those enlisted, whether they are in the army, national guard, coast guard, etc., along with the families of those enlisted.

hope you all realize this as the 5 yr. anniversary has passed, an anniversary many of us are still having trouble realizing has come and passed, realize that it is up to us, the younger generation to continue on in the tradition of keeping our land free.

average jane signing off.

my guy

i'll be sitting at home and then the thought will come randomly, i have a boyfriend. and i still can't get over the fact that i have the most amzing, cute, sweet, and perfect boyfriend. i do wish that sometimes i could spend more time with him. but, i try to spend all the time i possibly can. he just simply makes me happy, and i feel special around him. like i'm somebody special. i know people will try to tell me that yes i am special no matter what. but, sometimes it just feels good to feel special because a guy makes you feel that way. it's like everything is gonna be okay. jane signing off.

thoughts on religion

so i was at the cathedral of the madeline just yesterday. and i was stunned at the beauty of the chapel. it was amzing. and there was just this feeling in being there that made me want to whisper. i really dont know what made me feel that. but, i loved the feeling of peace and calm that came over me. and then there was this choir that began to sing. it was made up of mostly male voices. and it was amzing. and i got to thinking about religion. it made me think about why i've been trying so hard to get away from it. and i think the real reason i've been trying so hard to get away from it is that i feel my parents have been shoving it down my throat, especially these last few years. and i came to realize that it's not the religion i hate, it's just the fact that my parents interpret it in a way that i don't agree with. maybe it's time to explore it on my own and come to my own conclusion about religion. and thinking about religion brought thoughts about marriage to mind, especially with me being in my first serious relationship. in my religion, or the one i've been raised in, teaches that a couple can be married in our temple and the marriage can last forever. and i've been thinking. if i love someone enough to marry them, wouldn't i want it to last forever? and wouldn't it be great to have something i believe in to help me through the especially hard times? i don't know. it's a path i think i must take to really find out for myself. also my boyfriend told me he was still planning on going on a mission for the LDS church. he asked me, if he goes on a mission, where would that leave us? and, i said, i don't know. that it all depends on whether or not we're still together. and i sincerely hope we are still together. but, that got me thinking even more about my church. and where my faith stood. and i'm more and more coming to the conclusion that it's time to really search it and study my religion for myself. average jane signing off.

me really thinking

something dr. paleo commented made me think. he said he'd rather get married sooner than later. and you know what? i've always said that i'm not gonna get married until i've graduated from college and done my own thing. to show my self that i don't need a guy. that i can do my own thing and not have to settle down with kids. but, recently over this past year, i've found myself thinking maybe settling down and getting married sooner than later wouldn't be so bad. but, i dunno. there's a part of me that still wants to see the world, explore it before i have kids, if i do at all, i dunno. whether or not i'll have kids is a point of confusion for me. but, my friends always tell me that it's better to have someone to travel the world with, someone to share the beauty and the excitement with, which up until now i've disagreed with. now that i have a boyfriend, it makes me think, maybe there is still that part of me that really needs the companionship, or love, of a guy. i dunno. hmm.... confusion. well, average jane signing off.

times to remember

yeah so life is good. just mosying on through life. and you know i think life's gonna be okay. it'll be better in a couple of months, but, for now i'm good. yeah last night i had some friends over, including my boyfriend, and we watched this hilarious old tv show called Hogan's Heroes. yeah it's the funniest thing to watch. the best part was watching my boyfriend. most times he comes off as a serious guy. but, watching him last night, you'd think he was having the time of his life. it was great to hear his laughter, while holding his hand in mine. for last night, life was great. i was with my best friends and my boyfriend and we were cracking up over old tv shows. i wish i could have more nights like that. i cherish every one. average jane signing off.

thoughts of my guy

so it's official. i have a boyfriend. i never thought that i'd have a boyfriend in high school. much less an amzing, cute and sensitive one. i guess i just feel i am the luckiest girl in the world. yeah i find myself not acting like my normal sensible self. like i would never get worked up over a guy. and i also would not spend an hour on the phone talking to a guy. i really hate talking on the phone. most of the time i feel awkward and i can't think of what to talk about. but, with army man, i have so much to talk about with him. and he really opens up and it's so cool. but, also i normally don't get worked up over a guy and whether or not he likes me. but, ever since i found out army man liked me, i've found myself thinking of him out of the blue. and i can't wait to see him at school. it really makes my day to see him. anyhoo, average jane signing off.

random thoughts

i've always been single and this is the first relationship i've been in. and i've been very independent. but, now that i have army man, it's weird. i never thought i'd be the kind of girl to miss her guy when he isn't around. but, here i am turning into that. i've kind of begun to stop being so independent. i've started to let myself want to depend on someone else for once. and it's weird. all today, i was wishing i could talk to army man, wish we could just talk about whatever. he's become really special to me. but, things are okay. and i worry too much. i often think too much about things. it's crazy. but, i'm gonna go. average jane signing off.

seeing the beauty

ya know, today, everything is working out perfectly between me and army man. i feel so bad that i have to hide my relationship wit him from my family, but, in a few months i won't have to anymore. and everything's gonna be okay. i think we're slowly moving past the awkward stage. and i feel so loved and happy. i can't believe i found the perfect guy. i never thought that life could be so perfect. it's like the sun has come out from behind the clouds. well, since i like rain. it's not so bad. but, maybe it's more like the thunder and lightning have given way to let me enjoy the beauty of rain. it's wonderful. and i can't help from grinning foolishly while i walk down the street, because i think of him. *sigh* life is good. average jane signing off.

happy moments

yeah have you ever just sat, either listening to music or just staring off into space, and you find yourself grinning at absolutely nothing? yeah i'm finding myself doing that a lot lately. i'm surprised no one in my family has noticed and said something to me. but, you know, i want to feel this way all the time. cuz, in a way it gives me hope that maybe every thing will be okay. and i'm starting to believe everything will be okay. i'm starting to figure out that if i just go with the flow, everything will happen how it's supposed to. but, at the same time i'm so impatient that i want everything to happen now. one of my downfalls you may say. but, an upside, is that i don't just wait for things to happen to me. i start the chain reaction by making them happen to begin with. and you know i have this favorite quote from a movie. it is "life's too short and too hard to not feel safe with the one you love." i don't know why this suddenly popped in my head. maybe because my brains are frazzled by "looove" j/k no i'm just in a really weird mood. weird but happy. i'm content with my life for the first time in forever, and it's a good feeling. you all should expect more of these happy blogs. for i plan on taking control and not letting stupid things get me down. life's good. average jane signing off.

the awkward beginning

yeah so i've gotten to the point that we've told each other we like each other. but, the question is, what happens next? do we just hang out and go on dates? or do we say we're boyfriend and girlfriend? yeah what happens? i know that the both of us can see us as boyfriend and girlfriend. but, the real thing is how much longer are we gonna be in this awkward part? but, you know. i know that whatever happens, me and army man will be friends. though honestly i hope it does get to the point of bf/gf. cuz army man's a great guy and i really like him. hee hee. but, this is a very happy jane signing off for now!

I'm so happy!!!

yeah i just couldn't wait to post this. but, yeah i'm so happy, beyond happy. army man told me he liked me!!! i couldn't believe it when i read his email. seems he had a bit more courage than me to say it first. i've been mulling over whether or not to tell him. and he told me first! wow! i'm like floating high on cloud nine, and my day can't get any better and nothing can go wrong now! *sigh* life is good. average jane floats on cloud nine, now signing off!

thoughts

yeah so my thoughts for today. hmmm... i really dislike holidays for the one fact that it's just an excuse to hang out with family. yeah and i really don't like my family. i want to hang out with friends. and holidays are only good to get off school but i haven't been in school long enough to hate it yet. and i see my friends at school. like : slypig, army man, fav. freak, liz biz. dr. paleo, if he went to my school. i dunno.but, yeah. i want to see my friends. holidays suck at the start of a school year! average jane signing off.

memories to last

last night i went to my first real football game. yeah pathetic that it took me so long. i was wondering myself why i hadn't ever gone to one before. i had a blast. i went with my friends. and it was our school against a nearby high school. we unfortunately lost. but, we had some friends from the other school sitting on our side. then to be fair, we spent one quarter on their side, though we still cheered loudly and proudly for our team. well, at least i did, can't say much for slypig. it was kind of fun to do that and see the reaction from the other school's fans. and i got to spend time really hanging out with my best friend. then after the game, we went and saw the movie "click". the storyline was good. but, there were plenty of digusting parts that could have been left out. and the movie made me think. like really think. basically the movie is about a guy who fast forwards through his life, first intentionally, then the remote he's using takes over his life. and he loses those he loves and finds that life is something you need to enjoy every minute of it. and it made me think about all of my friends and how much they mean to me. i just want to say that i appreciate slypig. you're my bestest friend in the whole world and i hope we're friends forever. army man, you're the greatest friend overall i could ever hope for. you really listen to me and i thank you for that. and fav. freak, along with lizbiz, you're two of the bestest galfriends a girl could hope for. and dr. paleo, you're a new friend. thanx for just caring. most of my friends will never read this, but, thanx just the same. average jane signing off.

blast from the past

yeah you know sometimes when you get those flash from the past. well, i had one of those today. a friend that i met first from being on the "nerd team" with is now going to my school and the funny thing is that i used to have a crush on him. but, he was totally shorter than me it was funny. but, now he's grown taller and his voice is deeper. so now i'm beginning to wonder if i still might like him. he's a nice guy. but, yeah we'll just have to see how things go .
average jane signing off.

questions

how do you know when the right time is to tell a person you really like them? that's the question of the week. i've been puzzling over it for a while. but, if i did say something would i just be the one who ends up looking like a fool? or will it all turn out okay? i know people say that life's too short to sit around waiting for things to happen. and i believe that from experiences i have. and yeah, if my best friend has the guts to tell the girl he likes how he feels, then why shouldn't i? unfortunately, in this sense, my friend is braver than me. yeah i know to my friends i put on this façade that i'm not disturbed or really afraid of anything. i'm miss honest and upfront about everything. i'm not afraid to talk to strangers. i really put on this face in front of most of my friends. with my friend i like, sometimes he makes me feel like i don't have to put on this charade. and i don't want to have to. and yah, if you think about it , what do i have to lose? only just a great friend. so i need to make sure i really like him that way. cuz i don't want to ruin such a great friendship. but, ya know. i think it's time to see how he feels. i don't know. but, that's life. unpredictable. average jane signing off.

missing summer

yeah so you have those days when you wish something would just happen. you sit around doing nothing. and you're like come on, someone call me. please just rain or sumthing exciting. well, during this past summer my friend army man, became that something exciting. it began with a phone call inviting me to hang out with some friends to see a movie. of course i said yes. unfortunately after i had hung up, i realized that i was gonna be gone when they were going to the movie. so i called him and told him that, and he offered to go with me that night. hence the beginning of my exciting summer. from there it expanded into hanging out at a local amusement park, to lazer tag, movies and bowling. they were small activities, and we didn't travel too far. but, it made my summer. it was a perfect summer. unfortunately, it had to end all too soon. i wish sometimes i could go back and relive this summer. well, average jane signing off.

bad days

you know those days when you think everything is going wrong. and nothing can go right at all. well, today was that day. i go to get back on at my old job at the theater. but, unfortunately it was not to be. i go in and finally get ahold of who i need to talk to . but, then he tells me that i'm not rehirable. and i was really confused. i said what? and he said to me again that i'm not rehirable. there's a note on my file that says i'm not rehirable. i have no idea why i have that on my file. it pissed me off so bad. i was near tears because i was so upset. and those that know me, know that is really unlike me. my manager offered to find out what had made someone put that note. but, so i just left.i was so pissed. so i drove over to my friend's work, my friend army guy, and put in an application. so, yeah. and right now, i don't know what really to do. some of my friends would suggest praying. but ya know, i don't particularly believe in god. i don't want anything to do with religion. cuz i feel it's been shoved down my throat for the past 5-6 years. and i honestly wish i could find some reprieve from all this shit going on in my life. sometimes i feel that fate is working against me. damn i hate it so much. well, until new developments, average jane is signing off.

happy thoughts

well, yeah just hanging out at my house doin my normal daily ritual of checking my email. and i get this email from army man. he tells me of how his day at work went yesterday. and it was kind of sad. he had a lot of mistakes. honest mistakes anyone could have made. as background, army man is totally convinced all the time that either karma or god is mad at him. he said though at the end of the email that he's either extremely unlucky or incompetent. he wrote to me, " you can pick which one, seeming that you're the only bit of luck in my life." and i sat there reading that , and a smile came to my face and i felt happy. but, the question is, is there any deeper meaning to it. or just that we're good friends. i don't know. gosh relationships can be so confusing. but, yeah i guess i'll take time to figure it out. this is average jane signing off.

days of summer

well, now the days of summer have come and gone. well, almost. and it seems like it wasn't long enough. i wish that i could just have another month. another month to be carefree and not have to worry about school. though i am looking forward to school. i like learning. i think that if i didn't have such stupid dumbass teachers sometimes then maybe i'd like school more. but, i wish that i'd hung out with friends more this summer. i have hung out with them more this summer than i have ever in my life in past summers. but, yeah i hung out some more than others. but, now i say goodbye to the hot summer nights and all the great times. average jane signing off.

love songs

millions of times a day, you hear love songs on the radio. you hear all those songs about the girl falling in love with the guy, guy likes girl and they hookup. yet in real life it's not that easy. you can't just approach a guy and say, "hey i really like you!" and then expect everything to be okay. especially if you're good friends. cuz if it turns out he doesn't like you that way, then the friendship just can't be the same after that . so sometimes the risk simply isn't worth it. and it sucks. cuz you just once wish things could work out romantically for you. at least i do. i think the only song right now i really like is called "so sick" by ne-yo. it talks about being so sick of love songs. and sometimes that is totally just my theme song. yeah, this is average jane signing off.

work

yeah so i need money. i have an expensive year ahead of me. with it being my senior year. so i went back to my old job at a theater. it does live plays. the plays are okay kinda boring. but, when i went on to sublist only i was making around $10 an hour, cuz i got good tips. i honestly are having second thoughts about working there. but, it's really not bad hours. and it works with my schedule. cuz i'd only work nights and about 3 nights a week. but, yeah sometimes you just nee d the money. cuz i have around $600 to pay for choir. and $600 for travle and tourism academy. and then i have DECA that'll cost around $200. so yeah expensive. well, average jane signing off.

exhausted

well, i just got back from work and as my title says, i'm exhausted. and i still have to go back to work in about an hour cuz i have to also work the night shift. only four more hours. it really isn't alot of work but, i'm getting tired easily today. but,at least the money is good. i really need the money cuz i owe my mom around 200 dollars and i really need some money for school stuff. but, i still am tired. anyways, this is average jane signing off.

moments of sadness

Have you ever felt like there's no one else in the world that understands you? that's how i feel almost constantly in my life. i wish that i could find someone who totally gets me. well, there has been one person who's come the closest to knowing the real me. and it's kind of nice. that feeling that if i ever need any advice or help, he'll always be there for me. actually now there's two guys. and i know they're there for me. and sometimes though i wish that i had some girl my age to really talk to, yet i can't ever seem to find someone who i can really click with. the only people i can find that really click with me seem to be guys. there's nothing wrong with having amzing guy friends but, at the same time , it never could replace having girls to discuss guys that i like. it's totally not the same. but, i guess sometimes i just accept that life sucks sometimes and move on. average jane signing off.