jsut thoughts

so it's that time of night when you just are awake and tired at the same time...well, i mean you're sleepy but don't seem to want to sleep. so you come online...surf a bit...think about playing some games online. but don't have quite the energy for that...and you kind of wish someone was online that you could just chat with...so you go to your normal chatting haunts..but no luck...no one on messenger these days...no one on the dating site...and you make a visit to some chat rooms...but you don't really want to talk to a new person....so here you end up. on your blog...

lol isn't that pathetic. to just spend time putting your thoughts online with the possibility of millions, even billions viewing them...not that it actually happens. but just not caring what the ppl think if they did read them. just kind of putting it all out there. at first i kind of thought this is weird. but then when i realized no one pays much attention to what i write anyways, it didn't seem to bother me much. and lately...i've been writing for me...cuz i just need to get my thoughts out. there is something intriguing about putting your thoughts out for ppl to read...kind of an online version of sleepless in seattle, where he is kind of tricked into puttin his thoughts out...then he meets this great girl. lol not that i'm expecting that. lol that would be funny

lol well i'm gonna sign off for now..

just dullsville!!

hullo all!! just another day in dullsville! lol well only partly. can i just tell you how much i really appreciate a co worker of mine! she really was sad that i had to miss going to the film festival with a friend. i told her it's all good. she asked if i still wanted to try and skip out early...but i told her it's okay, cuz the thing was this morning...but thanx anyways. she really is a great lady. lol but yeah!

anyhoo so life is going good. just kind of thinking over a lot of things...but oh i am proud of myself. because the last two nights i really didn't want to go to class. but i made myself go and i actually ended up having fun and being glad i went! :D lol isnt that an amzing thing? lol but yeah... and i actually learned some fun signs in my sign language class lol. i learned the signs for 3 different alcoholic beverages. lol and two signs that are "bad" signs, but we just happened to get on the topic of them from an innocent question. but our teacher taught us them. so that we didnt' make the mistake of signing them and embaressing ourselves completely. which really is good!! lol

but in my biology class, i had to do a group presentation. we only have to one in the whole semester and i got lucky to get it out of the way first thing!!! lol at first i was not too happy about being first. but, then once we got it all pulled together and finished, i was glad to have done it first. lol

but still searching for a car. maybe tomorrow i'll find something!! cross my fingers for luck! :D

anyhoo...that's life!

average jane signing off...

changed plans

so plans have been changed and i'm not able to make it up to the sundance film festival...and i was really actually looking forward to that. but it's kind of my own stupid fault i'm not gonna be able to go. oh well, i'm determined not to let it get me down! i'm not gonna sink down to that cuz i'm determined to just stay happy and be okay. anyhoo....

but, i miss him. a lot. i see him and he smiles at me. i smile at him...god i miss him. wish i could talk to him...like normal. wish i could just fold his arms around me and be safe in his embrace... but i can't. not yet at least....


average jane signing off.

a sad death

i find that i need to just blog this short notice. heath ledger has been found dead in a new york apartment. about 3:30 pm this afternoon... the police believe it to be suicide as heath was found with drugs strewn all around him. for those of you who dont know this actor by name he plays patrick verona in 10 things i hat about you, and most recently he plays the joker in the new batman movie soon to be released, titled the dark knight. it's just really sad and i'm sad that it appears to be a suicide.



average jane signing off...

i get to go to a sundance film!!

hello all! :D so here i am two days in a row! ! wow i know. but i jsut had to let you all know that i'm going to go to a sundance film at the film festival!!! i've never been and my friend tyler wanted to know if i could go with him! (cuz he says its really no fun going alone) lol but i'm glad he asked me! he's a fun friend to be with and i'm ecstatic to go! oh and i'm getting off work to go. luckily i have this really nice lady named shawna that is always willing to cover for me. but i just don't try to take her kindness forgranted cuz i make sure to ask only when i really need it. but it's all good!! :D cuz i haven't had her cover for me in a few months so i'm good!! :D

lol so the movie i'm going to see is called sunshine cleaning. my friend saw it twice already and loved it. i just went on imdb.com to look at the movie and it actually sounds intriguing! lol but i'm stoked to see it. oh and it has amy adams, one of my new fav. actresses, in it!! :D lol she was amzing in enchanted. i can't wait to see how she is in this movie. it's a different role from enchanted entirely. but yeah!!

that's my babble for now! :D

averagejane signing off!

just life...

hey it's me again...lol i just felt like postin some more today. even if it's only a small entry. so life is goin good. i've pulled myself out of that depressing funk i started to slip into this morning. and life is good. i was gonna ask my mom if my dad knew. about what happened between me and that special someone...then during church today, somethin my dad did made me realize without a doubt he knew. but i'm okay. cuz i really don't care anymore. cuz i know i'm a disappointment to them. but it's okay. i'm used to it. it's kind of what i've gotten when i decided to begin living my own life. at first i just went all the way to disappoint them, cuz i figured if they were disappointed already, why not just go all the way. and maybe they would just give up. but now, i just disappoint them by chance cuz i choose to do things i know they won't approve of, because i feel i need to just make my own choices based on how i feel. and while i can't say i'm ecstatic about life...i'm happy with how my life is going. sure i have days that i profess that i hate life. those are the days that i let things get me down. afterall, "happiness is not a destination, but the journey you take getting somewhere." (that's a quote i saw somewhere.) you don't just make choices and boom you arrive at happiness. it's a whole journey, adventure, that is called life. you make choices to be happy and do what is best for yourself and your friends. one of my mottos is live life to the fullest. also, i have the motto to live life without regrets. and so far. i'm doing okay in both. though i could work more on living life to the fullest. i need to travel more and do more. but i'm slowly workin up to that....

but my eyes are gettin tired of starin at a computer screen for so long...so i'm gonna close..(i've been messin around on tickle.com for about an hour now! )

average jane signing off!

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

so the thing i thought wouldn't happen, at least for a year or so, happened. somehow my mom knows what happened between me and him...she confronted me about it this morning...and i have to admit it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. but it still was like i thought it would be in some part. she's disappointed in me. but that i can handle. i'm used to ppl being disappointed in me. i just learn to brush it off and move on with life, living the best that i can. she wanted to know if i wanted to rectify it all with god and church.(as much as i say i believe in god now, i still wonder...to be honest) those reading this who are lds and know that situation, know what all that entails. i told her no, i didn't want to. because a part of me is still trying to pull myself together, not crying at night wondering if he's okay. wondering if i'm okay. a part of me still wants to be with him. but it takes most of what i have to remind myself why i broke it off. why i can't do this. and it takes most my resolve to just wake up each morning determined to be okay. to make sure i don't let things get me down. to prove to myself that i'm okay. to prove to myself i'm worth jsut starting again and finding my way through life. cuz i have things i need to do...i know i say this a lot. but i have to stay away from relationships to focus on my goals. i mean i still flirt and will date. but, i won't let my heart get involved in them. i won't let anyone get that close. i've got plans and i'm not deterring from them anymore. this is why i'm really making an effort in my classes this semester and keeping on top of things. i have things that won't go anywhere if i don't get through college. but mostly i have to prove that i can get through college. that i am mature enough to be in the "real world". somedays i seriously wonder though...but i'm making it work. i'm slowly growing up. but yeah...

now don't take the above as i'm not okay. i really am working towards it. i don't mean to bitch and try to say my life is hard. well, it is some days. but that's mostly from my decisions. but i wouldn't take back anything. it's making me a stronger person. he asked me if i regretted him. i told him. i may regret what i let myself do with him...but i'll never regret him. never. he is a part of my life...a part that helped me learn more about myself and put me on the path to making me stronger. i will never regret him. i'm stronger now.

average jane signing off...