finding my inner strength

well, here's another update. so my date was okay last night. kind of odd. but okay. and i guess it made me realize that i can only be friends with guy#2 that i mentioned. so that's it. but yeah lifes okay. and i'm moving on. i guess it's time to use my inner strength and be on my own. cuz i left myself be too easily influended by others and what they do. i'm needing to stand on my own two feet and make my decisions by what i believe. i found that last night that i kind of just went with things that i wasn't so sure of. i'm good though and i can be strong. life will be awsome.

average jane signing off. :D

update previously untitled

well, here's my update for the week. so i have the habit of freaking out about things when i really have no cause to. like if i start a new relationship with someone, i think too much about it and then really flip. that's basically what destroyed my last relationship. and it's hitting me again. and it kind of sucks. cuz i want to find a serious relationship, but at the same time, i have to take it slow and get to know a person before i can even begin to conquer this odd habit. but yeah so there are two guys in my life that i don't know what i want with, as in friendship/relationship. a friend advised strongly against one. because lets just say that this one is into not so great of stuff, yet he makes me feel great. like i have a friend when sometimes i feel like i've lost other friends. especially my close ones. and that's why i stay in touch with him. but then the other guy, well, i'm still not sure about him. like we only met a few weeks ago, and i still need to figure out what i want out of this. like maybe just a friendship, or maybe more. all i know is that for now i'm sticking with just friends until i get to know them both better. and damn i'm still in high school, so i have a few years to worry about getting really serious with anyone. even though a part of me really wants it. i cant let myself because i know that i dont need it and that i need to really get to know a person and be sure that such a relationship is what i want. of course there are also other things that need to be considered. like sometimes these guys i speak of don't seem to be on the same mind track as me. like they might possibly do things or be into things i'm not so sure about. i may not have real set standards, and really dont believe a lot of the things of the mormon church, as is my family's religion, but there are some things i won't be pressured into. like in boy# 1's case, we'll call him j. well, j. is kind of into drugs and such, sort of, and i don't think i'd want to get into that, but i know that j would never pressure me into anything i dont want. and he genuinely cares.... boy#2. well, i don't know him all that well yet so i don't know. i think he wouldn't pressure me into anything. but i guess i trust him. well, as much as i can barely knowing him. and also i guess i question how someone can really really like anyone they just only met. i dunno. it's just kind of my nature to think too much about things. but yeah.

so i guess the only way i can really see how things will be is to just kind of go with the flow. and i guess what complicates things is that there are other guys i like besides these main two. and one of the other guys i like are changing. and it's weird to see it. cuz it's kind of hard to see someone you care about changing before your eyes and theres nothing you can do. like another person i care about. they are chagning and it makes me wonder what's goin on in their life to have such an effect on their life to change them almost so completely that i barely know them anymore. and it really sucks. also another friend is kind of growing more distant.

but yeah that's life. but i'm reminding myself constantly that i need to just take risks, not worry so much and just have fun@! :D

oh totally funny story. so i called up my friend nathan to see if he wanted to come to this high school music festival thing. and my mom thinks i'm talking to eric, my new friend. and so when i ask nathan if he needs a ride, i ask my mom if i can have the care to go pick him up. but i don't say names and she thinks i'm talking to eric. and she kind of flips and says you can't be alone in a car with him. it's like a date!!! :D lol yeh my mom's strict. but then i explain after i hang up that i was talking to nathan and asked again if i could have the car to pick him up. and she immediately says oh! yeah tha's okay. it's just nathan. and then talkin to my dad, "it's not like he's gonna kiss her or makeout with her. " LOL yeh i busted up laughing. so then i pick up nathan and i tell him all this. and he says how does she know we wouldn't make out. Lol so i bust up laughing again. and he says it'd be funny if we did make out. it'd make a statement to my parents. but then he's like can you see us kissing? and i'm like sorry, no. he's like yeah. we're like brother and sister. lol but yeah now we have the funniest inside jokes. and today he joked with me and steph about me and him not going any farther than first base. lol good times!!! nathan made my day in saying that. lol

anyhoo, so that's my update! :D should last me for a while.

average jane signing off! ( time to take risks and just go with the flow.)

oh and one more thing. i guess focusing on these guys kind of distract me from the fact that it feels like i'm losing a really close friend. i know talking to j. does that. he understands and cares. i like that feeling a whole lot. ne who. average jane off! :D

i'm excited!!! :D

well, so life is going good. not too shabby. and i've got a date this friday that i'm really excited for . and we're gonna go see a movie and have dinner. gonn be fun! yeah can you tell i'm excited? lol

anyhooo, so more things in my life. well, prom is coming up. in like 2 weeks from saturday. kind of cool dance. and it's senior year so i have to go. like even if i don't get asked, i'm gonna go stag. stag meaning that i go wit hjust a group of girls. that would be funny. oh and then 2 weeks from today i'll be in san fran@!!!!!!!!!! i so cannot wait for it. cuz i'll be getting my ears pierced! LOL but

then 3 weeks from yesterday i'll be leaving for san fran again. i know i'm busy the whole month of april! it's gonna be great and then in may i will be having withdrawal issues. but it's all good!!! :D

average jane signing off! (i like ppl and san fran!!! )

overcoming challenges

so last night i went to my sisters's house and i talked to her and bawled my eyes out. i told my sister all that had gone down and i told her how i had been hurt by all dave had said, but the final straw had been the email from danny. he doesn't know all that has been going on. and he can't understand, cuz he doesn't know my side and my feelings. i sent him a reply to explain some things. i hope it helps. and i sent dave an email to apologize for how i harshly spoke to him. but i told him that i didn't regret what i said cuz i needed to say it. and i think that it'll be okay. well, at least i know that i did what i could to fix things. and i guess now it's just sit back and wait and see what happens. cuz the ball is in his court. and i hope we can work out. but that's life.

so i got an email from eric. and i realized taht just because i was upset and hurt by other guys, it didn't mean i needed to forget others that i care about. like my favorite quote says, love like you've never been hurt. and so i'm moving on again in my life. and i'm taking control. it's okay. and who knows. maybe eric could be jsut what i'm looking for. a mix of comic and sensitive amzing guy. it's gonna be okay. it will be.

average jane signing off. ( the world did turn upside down, but it's just a challenge i have to overcome. i'm sorry to those i hurt, but some of you hurt me too.)

the world turned upside down overnight.....

right now i'm just so lost. i totally cut ties with a good friend i had. because i got way upset with him. and i don't know what to do now. cuz my pride is totally standing in the way of apologizing. and i feel he needs to apologize for some things. my life is so screwed up and i don't know where to go.

just now, i got an irrate email from a danny evans. yelling at me for shit i never did. he told me that i was an ungrateful selfish hypocritical bitch. and that isn't really the issue. it jsut hurt that someone outside of the situation was giving me shit. and i had more written here, but it got deleted. the gist of what i wanted to say was that i never meant to hurt dave. never. and it sucks. i have no one to talk to because my best friend is involved in this. i can't talk to her and hurt her more. it's just life and i'm not gonna ruin it all for her. but then, i wish i could work things out for me and that i wouldn't screwup everything. i manage to get mad and let my anger get the best of me. it 's a flaw i dont' like. but maybe i can talk to my sister and i can work some things out. this sux.

average jane signing off. (the world turned upside down overnight and i don't know how to fix it....)

more shit piling up and it sux

yeah so i thought i'd wait and see what my ex had to say in the next email. but, it didn't make it any better. he still was a dumbass. and it hurt, cuz i thought, maybe i was wrong that i just didnt' understand. but it wasn't that way. and it sucks, cuz now i've completely cut ties with him. and i doubt i will ever be able to fix it, and i'm also not sure i want to. i don't think i want to because i can't deal with that emotional up and downs. cuz the fact of the matter is that i do still care. he is a friend, but i'm not sure i can trust him anymore. i hope for someone that means a lot to me that he's sincere in his feelings, but i can't trust him. i'll keep my distance and say nothing on this matter cuz i can't hurt this person, so i will not speak of this after today on my blog.

but my sister has been dealing with a good amount of shit. there is a boy i want to hurt really badly, cuz he hurt her. actually two boys i want to hurt. but one i can't cuz she loves him. yeah. who'd have thought. it's sad that the guy she loves treats her like shit. it just makes me mad. anyhoo, just way too damn many guy problems in my life. oh well, i g2g. lotza stuff to do.

average jane signing off. (why do boys have to be so stupid? *sigh*)