stir crazy...missin ppl

so i've been crazy busy today. i actually made myself get up at 7:30 ish, when my body woke me up. crazy i know. and then i just set to cleaning my room. lol got that done, organized my books, and then set about to actually vacuuming my room. crazy isn't it. i haven't vacuumed it in several weeks and god knows it needed it. not that it was disgustin or anything, just in need of sucking up little crumbs and bits of paper and dirt and such. it was actually nice to feel like i had cleaned all that. the next task i set out to tackle was to wash my flip flops. gross...lol but i wanted to wear them so it needed to be done. so i went to go wash them in the tub and was pulling back the shower curtain, when some of the grime on the shower curtain got on my hands...ICK!!!!! yah that was the motivation to finally take that down and wash it. now i couldn't throw both pieces of the curtain into the washer, unfortunately. no i had to take the plastic liner and hand wash it! lol i know heaven forbid i do things like hand washing something! lol so i took it out on the deck and set about tryin to blast off the more grosser parts with my handy hose...lol then i got a scrubber brush and some ajax cleaner. took me a while, but i finally finished it. lol then there was the matter of rinsing off all the cleaner stuff. cuz the water jsut kind of pooled on the curtain...kind of reminded me of a slip 'n slide. lol i was ready to get out a tarp and make a slip n slide! lol but yah... so then i ingeniously hung the curtain from my roof, like the overhanging part, and sprayed it down and let it dry.

lol while it dried i decided to go shoppin for some other things. went to albertson's for some frisby pizzas, went to walmart for a scrubber, went to party city for sparkler candles, then to zurchers for some friendship bracelets. lol found the coolest thing there too!~! lol i found chinese jump ropes!!! i totally was stoked to see those~!! i havent' had one since elementary and i was in fact talking with my family about them the other day and i commented on how i couldn't find them anymore, wasn't even sure they sold them anymore. so i was overzealous and bought four of them! lol they were only like a buck a piece! lol so then i came home and had lunch...then napped. i was pretty worn out. just as i was laying down to nap though, got a text from jay...lol told me how he had fun horseback riding...lol i want to ride a horse someday...lol sure i will!

so then i got up about 4:30 and finished off my pizza for dinner. then i went about getting my shower curtain back up, cleaned more of my bathroom, then finally tackled cleaning my flip flops. i decided to be smart about it and just tackle half of them, seeing as i'm not sure i would have the patience to tackle them all. lol i have like 15 or so pairs i think. i need a few new ones cuz some are looking a bit ragged...lol anyhoo..

so then i just kind of started texting ppl while i was cleaning my flip flops...i kind of was starting to go stir crazy in my house...needing to get out...i first texted my boyfriend...took him a bit to answer...lol he was headed back from riding horses....lol he must be tired. i was missing him though. its crazy cuz i just saw him the night before. but i just was missing him . and i hate texting him much though, cuz i don't know why, but i just sometimes get the feeling that maybe he is just sick of me, or doesn't really wanna talk to me. i don't think this is really the case, but this feeling comes from the impersonal feeling of texting someone. like you can't get their tone of voice from a text, or their facial expression or anything...and i just worry too much.

so when i didnt' hear from my boyfriend at first, i texted my friend, ty, to see what was up with him. he didnt text back....so i texted my sister rachel. she texted back first...so i chatted with her. and we ended up setting up plans to go to a movie tonight... i need to get outta my house. i think i'll go crazy otherwise. cuz i'm just sick of being here. and i am missing jay...lol i need to get my mind on something else. i am crazy...

lol well...so today went okay... but i gotta go now, gonna meet my sista for a movie...

laters....

lure of the dark side

so...i can honestly say i'm the happiest i have ever been. my life is almost perfect. i say almost cuz there are still hard days at work (lol) and still waiting for "someday" to come. (sorry no more explanation on that...) but i'm patient..sometimes. right now is one of those times.

just got in about a half hour ago from being with jay...lol i'm devilish...lol nevermind. but, i was high on cloud nine, then i heard a snippet of a song i absolutely love. however, it also has connection to my life before...before jay, before i realized where my life was headed. and i guess a part of me still thinks that maybe part of where i was headed wasn't too bad. i guess a part of me is still drawn to the dark and dismal. still wanting to just lose myself in it. the song that i heard part of is called "bring me to life" by evanescence. for those of you not familiar with it. let me paste in the lyrics here... of course it's better with music.

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone
(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to lifeI've been living a lieThere's nothing inside
Bring me to life

you know...just posting the lyrics i've also gained some more insight into the song. it's dark and dismal...yet, it's talking about love. like this girl feels like she is dying without her love near. she feels as nothing without him...kind of depressing love...but still...anyhoo...

so this song really was my song for a while, or at least i felt it is. at points in my life, i felt as if i was pretty much nothing...that i really was just a disappointment to my parents. that i wasn't the daughter they had wanted. for some reason that hurt, and my way of dealing with it was to just be a bigger disappointment. to just go do something else stupid. whether they knew i did it or not. staying out at a guy's place til 3 am once...stupid, but then i also felt my parents didn't notice or care, so i kept doing it. led to things i didn't want. things that i'm now strong enough to do something about, instead of being a coward and saying nothing.

i am a different person than i was a year ago. some better, some stronger....some parts a bit worse. some worse for the wear. however, this is me. i better get used to it. i have some amzing things that have come to me. some amzing ppl. ones i hope to never to have to find how i'll live without them

i also find it amzing to think about the dark side...how alluring it is. what is it about the dark things that lure us in? get us caught in a tangled web. one so crazy sometimes we wonder if we will ever get out. one so appealing that we wonder if we really want to leave, ever want to escape. i know that many times in my life i've gotten hooked into it. not really wantin to leave. still do some days. then something comes outta nowhere and pulls me out. usually it's jay. i somehow get into a funk, then i'll see him. he'll pull a goofy grin and i just can't help but pull outta that dark place i was in. and half the time, or more, i don't think he knows i was in that dark place of mine. he thinks i just look serious all the time...oh well, he knows now. it's crazy though. just how easy it is to fall, how easy it is to just not want to get up, to just stay there forever....

a song just popped to mind. when i told a friend just today, how serious things were between me and my boyfriend, he asked me, "can you see yourself with anyone else?" and i told him right off...."no. i can't". and he asked me..." are you sure? cuz that is very important" and i thought i was sure of myself, yet for some reason, just his "are you sure" sent my mind a flurry. like i had stated my answer at first with no hesitation....but then the logical part of my mind kicked in. i've only known this guy really and truly a month and a half...is that well enough to decide if i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him? and hence the song that popped in my head. it's from cinderella. pretty much this is how it goes, " do i want want you because you're beautiful? or are you beautiful because i want you? ....do i want you because you're wonderful? or are you wonderful because i want you? are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream? or are you really as wonderful as you seem" yeah...kind of pretty well describes my thoughts... do i want to be with him, cuz i just want to be with someone...or do i want him because i love him, because i care for him most in this whole world. and you know....i love him...i know that with all of my heart. i just worry and such over the most silly things. i think over things too much...one of my faults...i let my head take over when i need to listen to my heart.

but i bet you all can just guess now from seeing my style of writing, what time of day i write each post. you'll find my more thought provoking, deep, dark, dismal posts i post later at night. it's when my mind truly comes alive. the funny, cute, just crazy posts, more often than not come during the day. lol

well i really should sleep....laters...happy fourth of july
averagejanesigningoff....