can i love myself?

lately i don't know where i'm going in life. but, lately i sometimes hate myself. i find myself acting the way i really get on my friend's cases about being. and as i typed that i realized taht it made absolutely no sense. but what i meant to say is that i rag on my friends for being so cynical, or so stupid and not caring, not having emotions. then i turn around and find myself doing the same thing. and i guess the fact that i let myself be like this, makes me hate who i am sometimes. then there are those times when i'm okay. i love life and can't wait for all my trips and stuff. but more often than not, i'm really hating myself. and it sucks. but, it's okay. i'lll be fine.

anyhoo, i got a temporary job today. it pays $8 an hour. so it'll get me by for now.

average jane signing off.

worrying, a full time job

so i know i already posted for today. but i guess i have to say my worries are in some ways not so bad, but in other ways there a bit worse. i hung out with two of my bestest friends tonight shoe shoppin! yeah i know pathetic. but i needed some new shoes and that was the perfect excuse to hang out for. and i had told myself i needed distance from a certain person, to find my own path and allow them to find their own. but i spur of the moment invited them to come with me, and it was good. i guess it was what we both needed. at least i hope it helped. but, the person i am mentioning here, seems to have decided the path they are on and were previously whole heartedly pursuing is what is right for them. i strongly disagree in parts of it. yet i can't intervene because they seem to be okay. so i guess i'll just have to support them and make sure they know i do still care. cuz i do. and i worry. it's my life long occupation. i worry tonz about them. and a good amount about myself and where i'm headed. but i guess that i'll just have to deal and "make it" as i told this person i was doing, tonight. so yeah life goes on i guess. and they may not understand it. god knows i don't . but that's life and i'm okay. for now.

average jane signing off. ( i'm okay. really.)

life sucks sometimes

right now i have one song stuck in my head.

the chorus goes:

i guess it's gonna have to hurt,
i guess i'm gonna have to cry
and let go of some things i've loved
to get to the other side.
i guess it's gonna break me down
they say that sometime moving on with the rest of your life
starts with goodbye

so that's basic gist of the chorus. and i think it really describes my feelings almost completely right now. i think that i made the right decision but i really don't know. because i thought that it would hurt less for me to tell him now. but i don't know. maybe ididn't make the right decisoin. it really sucks. and i hope i can still help. cuz i hate losing friends with a passion. it's happened way too many times in my life to count. so i guess i'll go

average jane signing off. (i hope i don't cry tonight.)

heya

well, so i thought a lot last night. and i came up with the solution that i needed to let go of someone i care about. because in leading them on, i'm hurting more than helping. and they need to find their own path. without me.

and i have decided that i need to be on my own and find out what i need to find happiness in my life. and i need to find what i want out of life.

so that's what i needed to say.

but today is okay. i'm okay and i've felt more peace with this decision than i have with anything else. so that's how it all goes.

average jane signing off.