i've got a life to live

i know the title is funny. but , jsut read and you'll know what i mean!

hey so i hope everyone who reads my blog is having a good day, well relatively be cause i know of one person who's a little down. well, maybe more than a little.

but, for the first time in really a week, i am able to actually feel really happy for a long time. it began last night with hanging out with steph and army man, aka dave. we went and saw this movie called borat. yeah it was rated R. my first rated R movie. and needless to say, i found that movie overall so disgusting, i doubt i'll be seeing any rated R movie in the near future. i thought it would be really funny. but, it was rated that way for sexual content and it really became more than i could bear. i know steph felt the same way. but, i had wanted to see the movie in the first place and i thought it would be pretty funny. but, so i guess i take the blame.

otherwise though what made the night fun was spending it with two of my best friends. sadly my other best friend couldn't make it. but, we laughed and had fun. and i got away from my family. i know too that i'll always have these ppl as my friends. i draw comfort from that even now. :D and life is good. i know that even with my shitty family, life goes on. i'm not stuck living with my parents forever. and life is just beginning. i have so much to do. me and steph still have to have an apartment together. i already have the cups steph. but, she already knows that ! LOL anyhoo, that's my post for today. hope you all smile reee big!!! :D

average jane signing off. (hey i'm average, but, i can still have fun! )

dream vs. reality

so yesterday was actually not too bad. i got out of my house and the whole depressing-ness of it all. i was with my best friend and we watched an oober scary movie. well it was to me! we watched sixth sense simply cuz i had never seen it before. and it's kind of a classic movie everyone needs to see. cuz it has that classic line, "i see dead people." it was nice to get that into context.

but, then i came home and my mom was mad at me for being "late" and then she and my sister were arguing over something really stupid and i was so tempted to just walk right back out that door i had just come in. but, i didn't i just sat down and ate my dinner really fast. then i went and hibernated in my room again. and i once again began to be depressed. it's my house and my family that does it to me. i feel so locked up sometimes in what i do and it really sux. i have to be really sneaky to be able to get on everyday and post all of this. but, i know i would go more crazy if i wasnt' able to do this. and as i sat on my bed last night i was counting down the minutes and hours until i could go to sleep without drawing unwanted attention from my family. and once again i sat wondering what would happen if i took more ibuprofen to get rid of the headache my family was causing. i wondered. what if i took 8 instead of just 6? 1600 mg. a lot of ibuprofen. and by bedtime, i had almost talked myself out of it. but, then i had to spend 10 minutes with my family for our daily family scripture study and shit. yah drove me crazy all over again. and i took the 8 ibuprofen. didn't do a thing. except probably make it harder for me to sleep. i didn't sleep very well. but, last night i figured something out. i like dream world very much. i like it because most of the time i know it's not real. so i don't have to be disappointed when it doesn't all work out just right. but, life, yeah it's way too real. and ppl always tell me that nothings gonna change unless i change it. but, ya know. i've tried. and right now, there is nothing that i can change. even though i'm 18, i can't do anything because i still live in my parents house and i'm still in high school which really sux. that's why dream world is great. i know that nothing in it is real, so i don't build myself up for disappointment. and you know. life just sux sometimes. an i have to try to move on. have to try. don't always succeed. but, you know. i'll be okay.

average jane signing off. (i'm still here....)

bad dreams and sad wishes

last night i had a semi disturbing dream. i was at some car repair place. and some person named kendra, a friend of mine it seems in the dream, was there to have something worked on her car. they had fixed it then she was starting her car and smoke was coming out of her car when she turned the key. i began to yell at her to stop it and couldn't she see the smoke and all. then her car burst into flames i saw her struggle to get out of the passenger side of her car. then i heard someone yelling at me to run. they said something about gettting away as far as possible. so i turned and ran hoping that kendra was okay. (it's weird that i distinctly remember this girl's name.) but, i had to hurry and weave my way through car after car and the gas pump. if i didn't hurry the whole place was gonna go up with so much gasoline everywhere. i got out safely and i didn't know where kendra was. but, then it was like i was right by her when she was geting out and i saw how she got out and ran and kept running. and so i knew she was safe.

so that is my dream. and i can't remember anything else i dreamed last night. just that, that dream.

but, last night i went to my cousin's house for a b-day party. after we got home, i was in my bedroom lying on my bed. i was just staring off into space. and i really was feeling very down. i was listening to "Tourniquet" by Evanescence. love that group. but, i sat there and i really just found some comfort in being alone. i really needed to be alone. i've been feeling that a lot lately. like i don't think i can deal with being around ppl much. i dont' know. call me anti social or sumthin. but, i even didn't want to talk to my best friend about all of this last night. i just don't want to talk to anyone aobut this. but, somehow. just posting all of this makes it seem a bit better. like i can get my feelings out without directly having to tell anyone. this blog really is just for me. and more and more lately, i'm becoming comfortable about posting almost anything i feel like saying. because i know that i don't really care what anyone thinks of me and what i write. cuz it's me and if they don't like it that sucks for them. but, at the same time, maybe i do care. just not enough to keep me from writing all of this. sometimes i think it would be so much easier if i didn't care or didnt have feelings. often i get hurt, but i turn the hurt into anger, because no one can use that against me. ever. and so i go on through life, some days hurt and i'm so lost, but i'm okay. at least i think i am. i'm still here posting aren't i. but, today i really just need to be alone and jsut lose myself in a book. for in books, life works out, always. so i'm going to my fairytale world and maybe find some temporary happiness.

average jane signing off. (hey still here for now...)

sad nights

do you ever have those days when it seems like everything just is not right? when you feel like sometimes just living and simply existing is a waste? last night and actually right now, for no real apparant reason, i really feel that life is such a waste. last night i felt that i wish i could just sleep and not wake up. just live in my dream world. because more often than not, my dream world was better than reality. and also any book i read is always better than real life, because in the end boy and girl always fall in love. like i can't seem to figure out my own feelings. and i sure as hell haven't found that right guy yet. somedays i wish i could. but, i'm caught up in my romance novels, looking for that fairytale romance. and somehow i know that i won't find it. at least my head keeps telling me that. but, my heart is still looking.

last night, i had a slight headache, so i just decided to take some ibuprofen. i usually only take 4 at the most. but, last night i took 6 hoping that something might take away all my hurt and depression. i really was so down and there really was nothin i could do about it. i poured my heart out into my journal. yet i still was too far gone. this morning i woke up better. but, tonight already i'm down again. i swear i truly am bi-polar or something like that. and i still don't know what to do about it. sometimes it would be easier to just sleep and not wake up. hm...

average jane signing off. (don't worry, i'm okay for now...)

more christmas news

oh i forgot to mention something when i posted a few seconds ago. well, so on thursday the 21st, i got some pretty depressing news. and i guess i took it a bit the wrong way, and i literally broke down again. and then when i saw steph the next day in school and i broke down again in front of her. and she just hugged me and let me cry. it really was nice. and thought since then, i've clarified the news that i received, so it's not so hard or bad.

and last, i spent saturday night with my best friend steph. she came to my family christmas party. i'm glad that she was there. it really made the night lots of fun. and i think she had a good time.

oh and i got gift from steph's friend. a picture he had drawn and he inscribed on the back that he hoped we could become good friends. it was cool cuz he's a funny kid and he makes me laugh.

and i have to admit one last thing. last night i came to the biggest realization about myself and everything else. i found the reason why i'm not ready for a serious relationship. i'm only 18 and i feel as if i still have my whole life and that i'm not mature enough or have experienced enough to make a decision. cuz i know that if i let myself into that serious relationship, it would be more serious than i'm ready for. i know that the guy i care for cares way more about me than i'm ready for now. i care tonz about him and i would literally die if something happened to him. but, i can't commit myself to anything. i honestly feel that i need to date around more, to see if this is truly what i want. i need to experience more of life. i've been locked too much in my life and the way things are, to settle just for something that is an easy way out of my life i have now. i need to find myself first. i need to figure out what is out there in the world for me.

average jane signing off.

merry christmas

well, so it's christmas. and a sorta happy one at that. but, so i got most of the things i asked for this christmas, as i needed them. i got some new pajamas. really cute ones. one set was a blue shirt with blue polka-spotted pants. and then the second set is a purple shirt with pink flowered pants. and then i got two cds. and some earrings. and books. and a calendar and a couple of other things. oh and a tool set! hee hee! anyways.

but, so a lot has gone on these past couple of weeks. a lot of stuff both good and bad. and what has gotten me through a lot, has been the help and support of my best friend, steph. she has made me laugh when i'm down. and made me laugh even if i'm already happy. she's great and so is nathan. he's really cool. but, anyhoo.

i hope everyone else is having a merry christmas.

average jane signing off.