random ramblings! lol

so yeah. i've really decided that i'm not ready for something serious, as in a relationship with a guy. for i have so many conflicting thoughts that i can't just act on any of them and not hurt anyone with my actions. and it really sucks.

but my great friend stephanie, aka liberty belle, really made my day. we have this academy classes together and we laugh tonz. i can most seriously say that my bestest friend is steph. and so that really is a happy thought. i was just at her house and i got to talk to a friend on msn messenger. and it was cool, cuz i haven't had msn messenger for a while. sadly. but, at the same time i felt that with every word i spoke i think i might have giving this person false hope that i am ready for a real relationship. and i hope this person knows i just want to be friends. and anyhoo.

well i gotta go perform in a bit here. unfortunately. cuz i wish i could stay on the net all night! i really live on the net. but, i gotta go. thanx to all my friends for all they do.

average jane signing off! (i love you steph! :D )

conflicting emotions

so, you ever had that time in your life when you feel so confused? well, that's how my life is on a regular basis. at least for the past few months. i may seem that i have it all together but, those who really know me, like liberty belle, know that it's been a hard few months. i'll have days when i think i know exactly what i want in my life, exactly what path i'm going on. but, then just as quick, i'll have doubts and then i begin to wonder if the path i'm on is the right one for me. i'll begin to doubt some of the relationships i have with some ppl and wonder what i really want. i'll have days i'm so sure of everything it seems. i feel good and i know just how the world is gonna be for me. but, then the next day, i'll be lost again, and then i'll decide that i want just the opposite of what i wanted the day before. and it not only confuses me. it confuses my closest friends and i fear i'm sending mixed signals to those i truly care about. and that's hard . and i have to admit. there are times that i'm so missing a special someone in my life. and it's hard to just sit and not do anything, because i don't know if the next day i'll feel the opposite and then end up hurting this person. i couldn't hurt this person, cuz i really do care. and right now. i got an email from this person telling me that they wished they could just hold me. and right now, i couldn't wish for anything better than just to have him hold me. i miss him tonz. but, here i sit, not acting on it, because i'm afraid i'll do something to hurt him. and it really sucks. i wish my heart and my head could just come together on this for once and for all. *sigh*

but, last night i acted on impulse to call him from downtown of the city i live in. i had a performance with my women's choir. and i talked to him for like an hour. and i hav to admit. it was really nice. there were times when we just said nothin at all. but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. it just was a simple silence. i didn't need to say anything. i knew he was just on the other end. there for me. a good feeling. and all today i can't stop thinking about him. like this whole past two weeks i can't go a day without thinking about him. and i probably should n't think as much, because i've foudn that only makes trouble for me and my feelings. but,there are those days when thoughts of him make me smile. and who knows, maybe tomorrow i'll feel differently about what i jsut said. i swear sometimes i'm bi-polar or sumthin *eye roll*. but, for now this is how i feel. anyhoo.

average jane signing off. (why do we have such conflicting emotions anyway? *scowl*)