Thursday, September 21, 2006

life goes on!

kay, so today wasn't too bad. in fact i think it's best to move on. so i have these really crazy friends. they are foster boys in my neighborhood. there are four of them. and to preserve anonymity, i will assign each a code name. so we have my favorite first. i will call him, playa, cuz he always tells me he's just playin with me. just messing with me. he's great. then there's gangsta. he just sometimes acts like a gangster, so it was the first name to pop in my head. the other two i'll mention later. but, right now these guys are among my best friends, though nathan and spencer still top it. but, i can just have crazy fun with them and not have to worry about anything. in fact, i often forget what made me so upset or sad in the first place. like playa, he really acts dumb and i can joke with him non stop. he's great. and gangsta, he can be really sincere and sometimes the serious and smart side of him will come out. and it' like you see a whole new person. but, you don't often see that side of him, cuz i guess the gangster side just pushes out first. but, i wish more people could see that side, then they'd understand why he's so great. actually he calls me his best friend. and i seriously consider him one of mine. well, that's all for now. average jane signing off. (hey! the sun is shining! smile!)

what next

now here's the hard part. i have to go to school and see him for the first time since i broke up. but, the hard part is not feeling so sad that i hurt him. i don't want it to hurt, but, it does. i've done something i can't take back. no matter how i wish i could. cuz i know it would'nt be right. i can't just let it go on with me always doubting whether i'm doin the right thing. but, the hard thing too is that i think i've hurt him the deepest he's been hurt in a while. and it hurts knowing that. i wish there was an easier way to do this. but, there's not. however, they say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. or as he would say, what doesn't kill you only prolongs the inevitable. yeah. it's so hard, but, i know i did the right thing for me, for both of us, though right now it may seem so wrong. i just wish i had paid more attention to my past experiences, cuz it seems that whenever i get serious with a guy, i freak out and just have to break it off. and if i'd paid more attention to the past, i wouldn't have hurt him so much. well, i gotta go. to school unfortunately. hope it all goes okay and things don't get worse. average, messed-up jane signing off.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

hard times

today i did one of the hardest thing i've done in a long time. i broke it off with my boyfriend. it was so hard. i felt so bad having to hurt him. but, in the long run, it's better this way. for a couple days now i've totally been doubting whether i really knew what i was getting into. i didn't know if i was ready for a relationship. in essence i guess you could call it cold feet. but, it was worse than that. and i realized that i needed to tell him that i couldn't have a serious relationship because it would be hurting me, along with him, if i didn't and just let it go on. and now i don't have to worry about making it worse. it's sad, but i feel as if a great worry has been lifted. but, i wish i could go back to the way things were before. life was just so much easier. i've learned my lesson the hard way.it's just a lot easier with guys as friends, so yeah i now swear off guys. but, life moves on and i'll be okay. it'll be hard, but, i'm tough. average jane signing off.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

what to think

so today i officially got asked to homecoming by my boyfriend. it was really cute. but , ya know sometimes my feelings are so messed up and i don't know what to think. and i wish i knew what my true feelings were. i hate that my mind doesn't want to comply with me. it's way too hard sometimes to just find out what i want most in life. wish my mind could clear.oh well, life moves on. average jane signing off.

Monday, September 18, 2006

great times

so i went to temple square on Sunday, the 17th. and ya know what? it was the best time I 'd had in forever. we just wandered temple square, checked out the visitors centers, looked at the assembly hall, perused main street plaza. yeah it was good. but, i guess the most part that really made it fun was that i was just hangin with Dave, my boyfriend. it really was amazing. i don't think i will ever be able to find a time that really made me as happy as that night.