a good movie, but better if i had my friend to share it with

so i went and saw pirates of the carribean 3 last night at 8pm!!!! can i just say amzing!!! it was so good. very well put together and so suspenseful! i was on the edge of my seat, literally, for at least half of the movie. and jack sparrow is a hoot! he keeps the movie running once again. my favorite line from him is "Nobody move! I lost my brain!!" lol you'll just have to see it to understand what i'm talkin about. oh and we got these free scarves that have a skull and cross bones on them that come from disneyland and cost $22.00 normally!!! they are so cool!! i'm wearing mine to school today to show it off. cuz i mean it's a shame to get it and not be able to wear it just cuz it's summer and warmish weather already! lol anyhoo, so that was awsome.

but also i came on to say that i miss my best friend, a lot. i miss how we used to talk about everything. and i know that i'm to blame for half of it falling apart. i need to just get over whatever unresolved issues i have with dave or steph. cuz i miss having her to talk to. and i'm sort of letting my pride get in the way of us being just friends again. like i'm not sayin i can be best friends again and trust her just as much. but i miss her as just a friend. i miss talking to her and telling her my good and bad stuff. and for the second time in the longest while, my mom said something that actually was something i could use. she said that sometimes you just need to renegotiate a relationship. because i think the hardest thing is that i want our relationship to be the same, when it's not. so maybe it's time to just start over and create a new relationship with steph as just friends, someone i can talk to. and actually not necessarily starting over. just reorganizing our friendship so that we don't keep making these stupid mistakes. cuz no matter how many times i say that oh i have other friends and that i can survive without a best friend, i still want steph as my friend. i want to be happy for her when she gets married. i want to be her best friend supporting her through whatever decisions she makes, even if i don't always agree. cuz that's what friendship is about. we've both made mistakes. we've both been at fault. and once again i let my pride get in the way. so i guess i'm just sayin that i miss steph a lot....

so maybe i'll print this out for her to read, cuz i know if i try to tell her it all, i'll probably just start crying. and i've already done enough crying....

anyhoo, i'm okay and i hope i can work things out...

averagejane signing off..
(oh ps. so i might get to move up in my job at steve regan. i'll explain later! )

never again...

right now the world could not be any worse. i feel like bawling and curling up in a ball and never going back out in the world. i now have truly and forever lost my best friend. we've been fighting and been out of sorts for months. but now it's come to an end for real. because we both have just given up. and i read her blog and she said she's given up. i never thought it would hurt so much to realize it for real, but it's like me heart is breaking into a million pieces. i didn't know that i was still holding onto a hope that it would all work out. but i guess this is it. somehow i'll find a way to mend my heart, but from now on i'm locking it up securely so that i can never have it broken again. never again. ever.

so for today i will cry and then tomorrow i have to move on. there's no way to repair a friendship that both have given up on. so now i need to just give up, for real. it's not like i can bear to talk to her without fear of falling apart and bawling. and i hate more than anything, falling apart in from of people. so i guess this is truly the end.

my life starts over tomorrow.

averagejane signing off..

and then there was one..

have you ever seen the movie, "the prince and me?" well, right now i'm feeling like julia stiles and the character she plays in it. she has two friends. and in the beginning of the movie, she is the bridesmaid for one of them. she's sitting at the wedding reception with the second friend. and she says, "and then there were two...they seem really happy, i just remember how much we used to talk about getting out there and following our dreams. i mean there's a whole world out there to see. you too, we're the last hold outs." then the second friend looks all guilty and holds up her hand showing her ring and says,"todd and i are engaged." well, that is so true in my life. cuz i remember how me and my friend used to talk about all the things we had to do: share an apartment together, go make the guards at the buckingham palace laugh, travel abroad. a whole bunch of things. we had plans. now, she's engaged. a part of me is happy that she's happy. but a part of me is sad and hurt cuz we had plans that have just fallen apart. but i guess this just means it's my time to be on my own. follow my dreams. cuz honestly, a guy doesn't fit in my plans right now. or anyone else for that matter, well beyond friendship. i have so many things i want to do. i need to see the world. in two years i am planning to study abroad. maybe in someplace like england or italy. it would seriously be amzing. so yeah. i don't why i'm saying all this. but i am, and who knows? maybe my story will end like julia stiles. maybe i'll meet my prince who won't hold me back from my dreams. but yeah. we'll see how life goes...

averagejane signing off....

a second, or is it like fourth, chance...

so maybe once again i'm setting myself up to be disappointed by darion....but i really can't lose him. he means a lot to me. it's just been hell not really talking to him these past few days. so today after school i was driving to meet nathan and lydia at the library. i drove through my neighborhood and saw darion. i said hi and told him to get in the car and that i wanted to talk to him. so he hopped in. and i told him that i was more upset that at another friend and that she had not really followed plans we had on sat. and i just kind of took it out on him. he was an easy target. and so i felt kind of stupid just sittin there and telling him this while we sat in his driveway. but i had to. and i said i was upset that he acts like he doesn't like me, when he tells me he does. and he told me that at the point that i got up and left the dance for a moment, was just the time he got up to dance with me. (i had asked him to dance and he said no..so i asked again and got mad when he said no. i didn't look at him and left the room.) so i must not have noticed it. so i guess i let my emotions get in the way once again. and i know i look stupid just going back to him when he's kind of bounced back and forth. but then again. this time it was me overreacting. he really is a good guy...and i can't help that i like him so much. even though i tried to move on, i can't ....so here i go again. silly me...
(oh btw, darion's foster mom wants me to be a math tutor for him and his brothers....lol)
but so i give darion yet another chance....
averagejane signing off...(hope it will all work out...)

blue slipped

oh so i need to provide a brief explanation. i was unable to get my graduation cap and gown. well this is in part to the fact that i got blue-slipped by my english teacher. she was afraid i wouldn't turn in my final project. *eyeroll* but to those who don't know what a blue slip is, it's basically a slip of blue paper given to a counselor saying that you can't pick up your cap and gown cuz you're failing a class and can't graduate. but the deal is that i wasn't failing. my teacher just thought i would. crazy, i know. anyhoo, so yeah. but i'll get it signed next week so that i get my cap and gown and graduate!!! YEAH!

average jane signing off for now....

a public thank you

hey i am okay. i'm just not gonna have expectations for anyone anymore. once again it's just that friends disappoint. mabye it's partly me just getting to emotional. ... and im just disappointed in guys in general. i've let myself be disappointed for far too long. it's time i face up to reality. and i really am gonna try this time. so i'm kind of just gonna be acquaintances/friends with most ppl, and nothing more. except for those i truly know that can stand the trials and such of friendship. one that comes to mind is nathan. nathan and i have gone through our share of trials and i know that nothing can change us being best friends. i don't talk to him as much as i would like. but i just know that he's always there and truly cares. i've thought so this way with so many others over my life so far, but i was wrong almost every time. and with another friend, he's also just always there, making sure i'm okay. sending me emails. doing what he can to make sure i'm okay. others may say that's creepy as we've never met, but somedays, it's totally what i need. i want to feel accepted and loved, no matter how hard i try to say i can make it on my own. and he makes me feel accepted, appreciated...

this isn't a post to point fingers or criticize. it's simply to say that i'm grateful for the two ppl in my life that i really trust most and know that will always be there for me. an email from one of them really got me to writing this, because i was explaining part of this to them. but yeah. so i really am okay. i'm moving on, yet holding on to my dear friends....

average jane signing off.( friends are truly angels...)

disappointed no more

let me just say i hate life. i just let myself be disappointed time and time again. i tell myself not to set myself up to be disappointed, yet i don't listen to myself. yet again i let myself be excited for plans made with my best friend. and yet again i was disappointed. this is not to be a criticism to anyone. this is simply my thoughts and feelings. i set myself up for disappointment. again. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. and in more situation than one this weekend.

so here's my weekend. so graduation on saturday for travel and tourism. pretty cool. i get fun cords to wear for real graduation. and the food was good afterwards. :D so then after that i had to go to a family reunion. ugh. the only fun part was i got to play with my little cousin timmy. he's a cutie. and man can he talk! :O lol but then i went home and took a bubble bath to relax, then a shower to wash my hair. but i found i didn't have time to blow my hair dry, so i just scrunched it into curls and let it dry that way. really looked terrible. but anyhoo, i took a jello to our party at crowther's house (my teacher). and it ended up i was the only one who ate it. so it melted while it just sat there. and my friend left early so i kind of just sat around and ppl watched. anyhoo, so i left around 7:30pm. then i went to my car, and as i was walking, my jello leaked out of its pan cuz i was holding it funny. ended up leaking in my car. a mess to clean up. so i was ticked off by the time i got home. then, i called my friend to see if she had gotten back from the ball/dinner thingy she went to with her boyfriend. she didn't answer. i called three times by the time it was 8:30 and still no answer. and i was hurt. cuz she had told me it was our night. we were gonna do something. but guess not. (didn't even call back that night). anyhoo, so i decided to go to the region dance. didn't even know there was one until that night. so i spent a half-hour figuring out where it was. then i got there and i found darion. well, after i hung out with meisha and alexis for a bit. and we talked a bit, joked around. and i got him to dance one slow dance with me...:D (he hates dancing btw) but then he was back to his normal self of acting like we were just friends. and so once again i was disappointed. twice in a night. i went to the dance hoping to have some good music, good ppl and get in a better mood. ha...didn't work. but then i ended up flipping darion off twice that night. i really wasn't altogether really pissed off at him. it was more a combination of my friend earlier mixed with his childish mind games. but yeah. so it just sucks.

then today. my friend arrived late to class today. but she had good reason. no problem there. then she apologized for not answering her phone. i still don't know why she didn't answer. but then i explained to her that i had been hurt that we didn't hold to our plans. we were gonna do something. like maybe a movie or sumthin. nothing set, but we had planned it to be our night, or so i thought. and i didn't get angry or act mad. i just was hurt. kind of story of my life.

so i guess i need to stop fooling myself.and not to expect so much of others. out there in the real world, i won't have anyone. just me and me alone. i've learned that guys are not to be depended on. and learned to never like a guy younger than me. they're too immature. i thought darion would be different. but i guess not. silly me.

anyhoo, so from now on, i will focus on getting myself where i need to be in the world. no more expecting anything from ppl that are supposed to be best friends. i guess boys come over friendship...silly me. but from now on, i really am gonna change all this.

also, i was gonna not say anything to anyone. but i was gonna get a cell phone and service. but now it doesn't matter that i say anything. cuz i won't be getting one. what does it matter to have one if i dont have anyone to talk to? it's just a waste of money. this summer i'm gonna work to buy a car. that at least can get me somewhere. i can drive far away from utah. far away from those who disappoint. far away from anyone who knows me. i can get on my own and build my own life.

i don't know why i'm writing all this, as i don't care if anyone comments. i won't be reading them...but, i guess this time it's really just for me...

average jane signing off....