all's fair in love in war (or is it?)

all's fair in love and war, at least that's what they all say. but, i don't know. i don't really agree with that cliche.(unless of course it's getting revenge on a guy! j/k not really.) honestly, it's jsut an excuse to do whatever you feel in a relationship. an excuse to be mean or such and have an excuse for it. and it sucks. but, i guess that life sometimes hands us crap to make us better ppl. at least that's what my mom would say. but, ya know. i guess maybe i feel the same way too. cuz i know without the experiences i've had, i wouldn't be where i am today. but, then i wish the fates wouldn't mess with my mind and heart and hormones. i swear there a re days when i'm bi-polar or sumthin. maybe it's just cuz i'm a girl. but, there are those moments when i know exactly what i want out of life. i know exactly where i'm going. and then i have the days i don't know. nd of course once i think i've really decided, that 's when a change comes and i realize that i want something different. and right now i know what i want. and honestly i'm very sure of it. yet if you had asked me yesterday what i needed or wanted then it would have been the complete opposite of what i know i need now. and you know. i think most of my problems have stemmed from my being so "boy crazy," per se. thus i've come to the decision that i really need to just stay away from being more than friends with guys. honestly. i think i just need to be me and have my friends, but, i can't deal with anything more. i really can't . and now that i've come to this realization, who knows how long it'll last. when it comes to matters of the heart, that is when i know i need to consulte my brain and it hasn't failed me in the past. so now i make it official! i swear off guys for this whole school year. actually indefinitely until i decide otherwise. cuz i only complicate things if i mess with all of that. and i know it won't be the easiest thing to do. but, i know that for my sanity an well being i have to.

average jane signing off. (my moratorium from guys begins.)

thoughts of religion, VL and other such stuff!

hey, so i was jsut sitting on my bed and looking at my toenails today. cuz for my birthday, i painted them all a different color. pretty interesting result. so i painted them purple, red, yellow, green,blue, and a sort of white/purple. they are pretty amzing if i do say so myself. hee hee! :D

but, then last night i had this dream. i was with tall guy and he was holding my hand and it was like we were going out. and it was him reaching to take my hand and we were jsut walking and he put his arm around me and it just felt amzing. and i know i shouldn't be thinking about this. cuz tall guy was a jerk and i'm not gonna set myself up to be hurt again. but, dreams i seriously have no control over. and that sucks. well, sometimes they are good dreams

so yeah i'm totally still VL. for those of you who dont' know what that means, oh well, ask someone who knows, because i'm not gonna take the time to explain. but, so on the day i turned 18, i totally thought about that. and i thought, yeah, sweet 18. and i wonder. is that a good or bad thing. i guess it is good. because a kiss is something special. you shouldnt go around jsut kissing anyone. same as sex. i honestly think that premarital sex is so wrong. if you love someone enough to have sex, then you would love them enough to marry them right? honestly. and maybe the same could be said to apply with kisses. i don't know. i guess as the years go on i'll figure that out. my random thought of the day.

and so, today is sunday. another day of church come and gone. and every time i'm in church i wonder. i wonder, is there really a god? and what is the right gospel? what really is true? i know even as i write this that i will soon hear from my good friend spencer. and he'll tell me what he believes. and i guess i do believe there is a god. i mean how could the whole of everything come to pass. how else could it all happen. honestly. but, i don't know where religion is in my life. where it goes. i've tried sometimes to try and integrate it into my life. but, it somehow just doesn't seem to fit. maybe it's just that i dont' deal well with change. after all i've kind of pushed religion aside since 9th grade of 10th grade. and so i've kind of gotten used to my life. but, i dunno. i kind of want religion. to and extent. but, i'm still so confused. anyhoo, just my constant state of mind.

but, yeah thanx to my friends. i have the greatest bunch. you all know who you are.

and right now i'm watching the polar express. good show. and i gues i've blabbered long enough.

average jane signing off.