crazy weekend

so i just have to say this has been a crazy weekend... and now into the middle of the week. events happened friday, that broke my heart. but i just don't know what to think really. i love this guy, but, i've been talking to him and i don't think he was lying like i thought he might have been. but, today or tomorrow, i should know for sure. yesterday i'll admit that i was all ready to try and leave it in the past and just move on, no matter how hard that would be. cuz this guy is the first and only one i've truly loved. but now i'm thinking i just jumped to conclusions... i do tend to do that. i kind of have a fear of confrontation, so i don't tend to go ask the person what the situation is. anyhoo... well, now i think it's halfway resolved. but there is hurt feelings on both sides, so it may take a while to really put it all back together...


and i know there are a few of you out there that really just want to slap me right now cuz you think i'm just settin myself up to be hurt again. but don't worry about me. i'm okay. and i'm gonna be careful, it was just a misunderstanding.

anyhoo, average jane signing off...

why? hm...

why is it that we just love to torture ourselves? honestly! i've been reading over old blog posts of mine and a friend. i just read them over several times. each time i read them, the old feelings i felt at that time of my life, resurfaced just about as depressing as ever. now i sit here in a funk. god i'm just stupid. anyhoo...but also, i really just wish i could spend more time with my special someone. he tells me that he is falling in love with me. and i admit that i love him, like i never thought i possible. i usually shy away when things get to the whole " i love you" stage. that's what happened with my first and really only official boyfriend. i just freaked when it came to the serious feelings and dating just him. i realized that i would look around me and just say hmm... i think it would be fun to go out with that cute guy. and so i freaked and broke it off....then my second really serious relationship...that went on for a month. that was really long for me. but then, there is this guy now. robert. yes...you have heard abt. him before. our relationship has been developing since about june/july. at first there was crap goin on and i really didn't know whether i could trust him. but then things developed about a month or two ago. i had feelings for him from the beginning. and no matter what he did, they seemed to just keep developing. one day i felt as if things were cool and i could trust him, the next i was let down. this seriously went on for a few months. but let me just tell you, i really can't hold grudges for too long, especially against guys. unless of course you really are disrespectful all the time and out right rude. but if you do something, it's mostly forgotten in at most a few days....anyhoo, but so then it started with a kiss...at first i just kind of blew him off after i let him kiss me a few days. but then, i just kind of let it all go, as i was rather just trying to protect myself from any possible hurt rather than i was mad at him. but then, it all just began to develop as i talked with him and we became great friends. i could talk to him about anything and have a serious deep conversation, yet at the same time, i could have a crazy discussion about music, or food or other such stuff. and i loved it. and i felt myself falling...hard. with each kiss i melted in his arms, each embrace i felt safe, secure, and just plain happy. which is saying a lot for my seriously bi-polar life. lol but i think about him almost all the day long, i just want to be near him, see him, and talk to him. for a few days i totally let myself become so distracted by my thoughts of him it was hard to work. but i found a good in between eventually. and now here i am totally in love with him. wow it's the greatest feeling.

the greatest thing about him though, is that he made a promised to me about two months back that he would tell me the truth in anything. and so far he has kept that promise. i really love that he has made such an effort to never lie to me. he kind of told me a few lies in the past. he says that he owes it to me to prove that he loves me and that he is being honest in everything. i love it.....

well work is almost over so i'll finish what i want to say later.

average jane signing off...

i love him

so yeah here i am again...life is...hmm... life is just....life. it's okay, not bad, but not fantastic. just here. just existing. but yeah...is it normal to think of just one guy...so much that when you pass other guys on the street, cute ones, that you don't really thing of anyone but that one guy. seriously. i think of him all the time, love to be around him.

........................................................................................................................................


well, so this is like half a day later. so that special someone came to work a bit late cuz he went to some performance thing of his daughter's. but he walked in, and my knees just about gave out...he looked so....amazing. he normally i think is very hot. but he just was all spiffed up in a nice shirt, jeans, nice shoes, a cool leather jacket, and his hair had been cut. wow! is the only way i could describe my reaction. then he came over to my desk to say hi. and of course he had to smell incredible! lol... just wow. then even when he got on his work shirt and such, he still looked amazing. maybe i'm just biased cuz i love him. lol :D but i dont' care. he's just so incredible. i can't believe that he loves me. i can't believe how lucky i am....lol

well, i gotta go actually get some work done...

average jane signing off...

been a while

hullo all!! so yeah it's been a while, but yeah i'm here. lol lol

well, i totally think i'm in love! yeah just wanted to let the world know!! and he loves me! lol yeah i'm a bit giddy.

have to admit that it's been a bit doubtful in the beginning as to how i felt, but i can't stop thinking about him. the days he's gone i miss him terribly. but then he is there and a grin spreads across my face....lol

well, average jane signing off..

hullo all

hullo all! i'm at work, waiting for my friend to come so we can go to lunch. lol i'm really hungry! and it's really been a while since we have gotten together and had time to really talk, so i'm excited. of sorts. i really love this friends. she is a good friend, but at times she is just so flaky...lol and it sometimes seems like she doesn't want to hang out, and things always seem to just come up when we had plans made. and maybe things just happen. and she's not making excuses. anyhoo. don't matter!

lol so life is going good! i'm finally catching up in all my classes!! it's end of semester soon so it's good that i am catching up!! lol anyhoo. but i'm all registered for next semester and the class i'm looking most forward to is my sign language class. i know some signs already but this will just get me better at all of it! :D lol oh and i dont' know if i've mentioned, but i should have my associates degree by end of next fall semester!!! i'm so excited! its totally thanx to my academy teachers in high school and all my other concurrent enrollment teachers. i graduated from high school with 25 out of 61-63 required credits for an associates degree!! :D i'm ecstatic if you cant tell!!!! lol

............

so i went to lunch and i'm back! :D it was fun...

then my grandma came into work to visit me! wow talk about surprise. it was nice she came in, but she just kept hanging around...lol but tha's all good..

well average jane signing off!

here i go again! lol

so here i am posting again late at night...wow i better not make a habit of this. lol well, here goes it all again...

so the reason i'm here again is cuz i was thinking again. i know, that 's dangerous territory. lol but it had to do with the fact that i had a real hangout, a real talk with my best friend. we haven't done that in forever. and there were the silly moments and the serious and the downright hilarious moments. and just being with him and talking and acting silly really made me think about my life and realize for the first time in a few months, that yeah i'm still young. that's not a big deal. it means i still have time to experience life. i'm not expected to know it all now. i think i kind of forget that at my work because i am the youngest there by a good eight or nine year difference. so i forget that it's okay to still be young and want more out of life. i really needed this tonight. and i guess it also helped me even more to realize that life is changing and it's good. my public school days have passed. it's time for me to grow up past that. but at the same time, it's okay to be still unexperienced in the world. anyhoo...made me think about what i'm doing with my life. and i really don't want to get tangled up with this other guy right now. because i know that he's sort of lookin for serious. and i'm trying to convince myself that i really jsut need to have casual relationships. maybe some dating, but nothin serious. cuz i told my self that i'm not getting married young. and i know that won't happen. but also i told myself that i have things i need to see and do before i settle down. and it will be things i do on my own with no romantic attachments to them. so i just need to remind my self of that daily. and as much as it's nice to feel like someone cares, (and the kissing is nice. lol) i need to know that i have done my share of living life, and that i want to be with them for real, before i even get myself into what is happening now. i need to be strong, even though for some reason i feel guilty tellin him i don't want to be with him now, cuz he's kind of gettin divorced because of me sort of... but i cant just let things go on out of feeling guilty. if it comes down to it that i like him and want to be with him, then great. but a part of me knows that nothing serious could ever come of our relationship. there are a few crucial things that are diferent between us. i just need to remind myself of that...

so yeah off serious things. so my best friend and i actually ended up hanging out at walmart. let me say we have just had some fun times there! lol so he wanted to look at lamps cuz he just remembered he needed one that imitates sunlight for some photography stuff he was doing. lol so we then were looking at lamp shades and lamp bases. then he remarks that ppl might look at us and think we were shopping for our house. lol ( like we were together or sumthing! ) lol so then we just laughed, me especially hard, and just kept looking at stuff. then somehow we wandered over to the kitchen ware section! lol even more looked like we might be shopping for stuff together! lol yeah it was funny to say the least! totally made my night...

lol, well, now that its almost midnight, i'm gonna close and go to bed! i have church to attend tomorrow. lol and little kids to play with! :D love my kids....

averagejane signing off! :D

a small reflection

so tomorrow is my birthday...i'll be 19. hm... i just got used to 18. and it's weird, cuz with all that has happened to me this year i feel like i've grown up so much in just one year. like who thought i would have fallen for a married man. and kissed him. if you had told me that a year ago, i would have just laughed in your face. honestly... cuz i mean i was just in a semi serious relationship and the last thing i wanted was to get into anthere relationship. i was still hoping for love. but i didnt' even consider finding it in such a different way. yes i did say love, i think my feelings may be developing in that direction. i'm not sure but maybe. anyhoo, so what a year it's been. i can't wait for the next 20 years...

averagejane signing off...

late night thoughts...

well, here i sit at 12:09 am. there is just somethin inside of me not allowing me to go to sleep so i decided to surf the net. and here's where it lead me. my blog which i haven't updated in a while... so here goes nothing.

well, so i let my mom in on the whole situation with a very close, very married friend. and i have to say that the reaction was slightly different than what i initially expected. my mom just warned me a lot and reminded me what i had told her before. and i guess the hardest part is that this guy just makes me feel beautiful and special. tells me never to settle for just good enough. that i deserve more. and i feel just lucky to be around him. but always in the back of my mind is if i go out with him, what's to say he won't cheat on me, like he's done before and is doing now to his wife now? that crosses my mind all the time. and he has lied to me before. once or twice, but he's been honest with me since he made a promise to me to tell me the truth.

my friends, especially one special guy friend, warn that he's out for one thing, a piece of ass, to put in crudely. or sex in other words. but this guy knows he ain't gonna get it from me. i don't play that way at all. so i guess i really just want to believe that he's really into me and my personality. and i feel a sense of security with him in part. i don't entirely know why. and i would be lying if i said that i never think of what if i got so involved with him that we got married. i would be an instant mom to his little girl. and while that thought in itself warms my heart. just the safeness and feeling of being needed makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. but then the young, i'm-just-a-girl-still part of me isn't sure i want to commit to that all yet. maybe in a year or two. but, i still have a bit of life to experience.

also in the back of my mind is what all this marriage and then divorce is doing to his little girl. isn't she confused why she just got a new mommy, why her real mommy doesn't want her, and why this new mommy is gonna be leaving? it isn't healthy. and maybe that's why a part of me just wants to be her mommy and tell her i won't be leaving. even with every disagreement me and my mom have had, i still had mommy to go to when i was little. i can't even imagine what goes through this little girl's head. i just feel so sad for her. i love little kids and there is just something comforting about holding a little kid in your arms telling them it will all be okay and they just are comforted and snuggle up to you for protection and reassurance. as you get older, you don't snuggle up to mom or dad anymore. you just kind of have to fend for yourself. that's why i love jsut being able to comfort the little ones like that.

then on the other hand, i meet new ppl that i love talking to. and i wonder what i really want in life. ppl tell me, you have several years before you need to decide or think about really settling down. but then a part of me wonders what if i don't have all that long? after all who can really say that they won't die tomorrow. life will never cease to amze us or catch us unawares. that's why i try to just live each day to the fullest. try to experience new things. one of my fav. quotes is from the movie MONSTER IN LAW, with j. lo. she says as her character that "life is too short to live the same day twice." and that makes me think, really think...

i really shouldn't sit and think this late at night. or should i say early morning as it is now 1:05 am. lol i really get pensive and worried and wondering about life. so i think this is now a good time to stop before i really get going...

ok i lied i have one more thing to post. i went and visited my friend, and guy i used to date, chris, just out of the blue. and i have to admit i've missed talkin to him. really talking like we used to. but it's weird now. like we can still talk but i feel awkward in some things we talk about...but i miss him a lot. i just didn't really realize until now. but i need to remember there was a reason i stopped dating him. that we can only be friends. and i think he was happy i stopped by. but yeah...

now it's 1:12 am and i really am gonna get off here! i should sleep some .... but who's to say i really will.

average jane signing off....

my heart is saying yes...

so...here's the deal. i did something a few weeks ago that i know was wrong, but felt so right...and the thing is, i want to do it again. but my mind is telling me no. my heart, well, i've allowed my emotions to get tied up in this...and nothing can happen right now... and if something did happen, i'd want it to be when both of us are unnattached. that it would happen cuz we both want it. no obligations or guilt trips... that's no way to live life... and yet i want something to happen right now. but it can't.. and i hate myself for wanting it to happen. cuz i think i'm falling fast and hard...in love maybe... cuz there has to be a physical and a mental attraction. wanting to be with someone for reasons beyond the physical part of a relationship. loving them for their mind and honesty. and i've found that...god i'm screwed up but here goes. i would live life wondering always, "what if..."

average jane signing off...

bad days, but will be resolved

okay, i totally feel like shit right now. i feel like just curling up in a ball and crying. but i can't i have to pull myself together and work. i still have a job, unlike a friend of mine...
i came to work this morning, in a decent mood. i was getting my new computer all hooked up. and i had to go to another store to get myself a connection cord. i came back and got it all hooked up. then my friend comes up to me...he tells me that he's been fired. i took one look at his face and knew it wasnt' a joke this time... my friend is a tough guy, but he looked like he was having a hard time keeping it together. it broke my heart to see...
then, i hear other details about why he was fired. and it seemed that he'd possibly been stealing from the store. and of course rumors went around that he had been doing drugs... really got to me that i was wondering what was all true. i had myself doubting him... but then i went up to him as he was gettin his stuff together. i told him all i had been hearing. and all that was being said about him. he looked me in the eye and told me that none of it was true. and i believe him. with all of my heart. i should know that art wouldn't be doing drugs or stealing. that is not him.

but then later that night i was at a halloween party with friends and i get a text from him askin if i was busy and if he could call. and i said that he could call. so he does and we talk for a bit. he really was still upset about being fired and all. he said that he was upset and just needed someone to talk to. i'm glad he could feel comfortable talking to me.

then saturday. i was hanging at home and he calls up and we talk a bit. then he asks me a random question. he said, "do you think i'm a bad person?" and i said, what makes you ask that? and he explained that he had had a falling out with a friend. and i told him that i didn't think he was a bad person at all... so it all will be okay. cuz i think he has another job lined up already. and we might hang out today.

average jane signing off...

ps. this was written in part on friday, oct. 26 and part on sun. oct. 28

settled relationships

so time for another update i guess. i don't really seem to have as much time lately to get on the computer and blog at work. but that's partly due to the fact that i have no computer at work for the moment... it kind of broke down. it was a dumb old used computer. but i should have one coming sometime this week. but yeah...

well, so things are definitely taking a turn for the better. it has been a weird two days. like everything seems to be happening all at once. last night art texted me first, not me texting him. and this is the first time this has ever happened. usually it is me initiating the conversation. then on top of that. he says that we really should go see a movie sometime this week. and i told him that we should and to tell me what day and i'll work it in to my schedule. almost immediately i get the text back that says thursday. wow. it was really crazy. that i got him to just really commit. and it's really funny. cuz it's set that we're gonna hang out! and then we were joking about something and we negotiated it to the fact that he owed me two movies... lol so it's really funny. at least to me.

so then i get to work and just kind of funny at work cuz art is still being nice. then, at the gut truck i'm lookin at the food options and i take a step back and step right on his toes! lol he jokes, "good thing i'm wearing my steel-toed shoes~!" lol good stuff. then art does his typical calling me up and talking like in a different voice. then he gets to the point. he asks me what i'm doin for lunch. and eventually gets to the fact that he's kind of asking me if i want to go the Parrothead Island Broiler for lunch. cuz i told him they had good food. lol so we go to lunch and of course everyone around steve regan co. (work) knows about it! lol yeah if shawna, the lady who covers my lunch breaks, knows about anything soon everyone at work will know. it's really more funny than annoying. but yeah. i had a good time with him. even though we didn't talk a whole lot, it wasn't an uncomfortable silence...it was cool. so tomorrow we are supposed to hang out!

oh and the cool thing also, i patched up my relationship with robert and just kind of redefined things. like i told him that i still stand on the fact that we can't have a relationship beyond friendship. and i'm glad that we talked. cuz he apologized for some things and i really have missed talking to him. cuz i feel as if i can really talk to him. it's kind of nice. so yeah life is stable again.

anyhoo...got to go. that is it for now.

averagejane signing off...

bite in the ass...

so my stupid decision to kiss a certain friend is comin back to bite me in the ass...i have this guy cody that is finally gonna ask me out. and as mentioned before a kiss is the bargaining chip. well, so i just got a text from cody saying , "You were going to make me take you out three times and you let ______ (name edited) kiss you at work thats weak." yeah so not my proudest moment. in fact, one of my stupidest decisions... and now it 's gonna ruin things. and i have an explanation for what i did, though it will never excuse what i did.

but at the same time when i interpret what cody said, i hope he's not saying that i should just kiss him whatever. cuz normally i don't do what happened between me and this other friend. i honestly wish i never had done it. sure i learned from it. but if i hadn't done it...well i guess then again, if i hadn't what would have stopped me from doing it otherwise? i would have still felt as if i had somethign to prove. but, now i know that that was something i never had to prove to anyone, let alone myself...

well, g2g cuz we are closing...

average jane signing off...

Edit : i came back and edited some things because i realized they shouldn't jsut be said...

speeding thoughts

well, so i know its weird but i'm bloggin again. but have you ever felt like you can just feel your life spinning out of control? that you need to do something to feel like you are in control? well, i always hear about how ppl are anorexic and don't eat because that may be the one thing in their life they can control. well, in my life, i just drive. i drive with no real direction. and the key to my driving is speed. i go fast and faster. last night i was driving home from my friend's house in sandy. and i was just driving down a basically empty freeway. and i almost got to 100 mph. i was around 95 mph. i like the speed cuz i prove to myself that on the turns or anything else that i can keep control. i love speed and the feel of the car dangerously speeding down the road. the risk of having the car going so fast. that at any turn it could spin out. but i have control...

that was how i was feeling last night and it contiues on somewhat to this morning. and the song today is "show me love", by t.A.T.u. again. (lyrics at http://artists.letssingit.com/tatu-lyrics-show-me-love-extended-version-w596wcd) but it just is my mood telling guys that make all these promises to me that they never fulfill. and right now i want the feeling that comes from having that special some one. cuz i'm just kind of in a rut in my life. or maybe not really a rut. but more that i have a facade that i put on for the whole world that never really is me. i find myself acting to please more often than not, as crazy as that my sound coming from me. i agree with ppl, cuz i want to fit in. i may put on this façade that i don't care. but i took this quiz about what my greatest fear is. and you think of the normal fears like spiders and the dark, and snakes. but this quiz hit it dead on. i may not like snakes or othre creepy crawlers. but my biggest fear is not being accepted. i rearely feel like i truly fit in anywhere. so if i let you in my life and if i truly consider you my best friend, then feel lucky. not that it's an honor or that i'm special or anything. just i have a hard time really letting ppl into who i am. for what i post here is merely the surface of what is me. and i guess sometimes i define myself by who i'm with. like they define how i act and who i talk to. it's complicated. but yeah... now i've babbled long enough.

average jane signing off

A humongous update!! :D

a lot has gone on recently. i guess i've just been too lazy to tell it all...so now i have the time plus the motivation.

so, friday was an interesting day that began most of it. that would be october 5th. the day of my friend steph's wedding. well, so after work and in between going to her reception, i went to walmart with my sister. while there i saw my friend, jay funk, who i haven't really seen or talked to in like a year or so. he lives in my neighborhood, but because we both have lives and he has a full time job at desert star, where i used to work, we rarely see each other. but i have to admit that i really had a crush on him while i worked with him. he's only like 3 or 4 yrs. older than me. and seeing him again made me realize that i still have a crush on him. and can i jsut say that he gives great hugs!! i could just melt in his hugs... but we talked a bit and then i had to go. but we exchanged phone numbers...

so then it was time for stephs reception. so i threw on a skirt, then went to harmons for a card. it took me forever to find the right one that didn't seem all formal and old people-ish. and finally i found the perfect one. it said something along the lines of " i now pronounce you pookie and shnookums." and on the inside,"awww..." that totally fit steph and dave. cuz there was a time when steph was trying out pet names for dave. and we had names like shnookums and such. it was a riot. and dave's face each time we tried a new name was funny... lol so i got that card. then i went to the reception. i managed to get there right when steph was throwing the bouquet. she saw me come in and yelled at me to get over there. lol so i thought okay i can do this. cuz i have to admit that i was terribly worried how things would be. so then i kind of stepped back while the whole wedding group got some pics taken. and i was gonna go sit down at a table. but then looking over, i knew maybe two ppl there. and i wasn't sure how things were with them. and that's when i started to get teary eyed. cuz it was weird that a place that i used to feel was like my second home, now i felt so out of place in. and that's one of the worst things for me is to feel out of place. or not accepted. but the second thing didnt' apply this time.

so then i went through the line, and i gave sharon, steph's little sister a hug. then i went to stephs parents. and they made me feel good all over. cuz her dad is just like, "hey amybird!" (that name is an inside joke, that turned to our special thing) and then he acted like we had never met and said, "hi i'm the father of the bride," then turning to his wife, "and this is my wife." lol i shook their hands and played along with it. i love stephs parents beyond anything. they are my fav. but then i talked to steph and then on to dave's mom. she introduced herself and said that she thought she might have met me before. and i said yeah that i'd hung out with dave sometimes at their house. i didn't think it tactful to mention i had gone out with him, seein as he just got married. not that it mattered that we dated as we really just ended up friends. but yeah. then i talked to nathan, my bestest friend who was the best man. and i said and you are? and he introduced himself like we had never met. then he gave me a hug and said, "i don't normally hug strangers, but i have a feeling abt this." lol that really made me laugh. we chatted a minute then i just had to go. cuz i guess i had come hoping that everything would be back to normal. somehow. but then just being there and seeing how happy steph was, was just a reminder that nothing would be the same anymore. so neeedless to say, by the time i got to the parking lot, tears were streaming down my cheeks. i've always wondered abt when they say tears streaming down their cheeks. well, that's how it was. the tears just came. and i guess i made it worse driving home cuz i had a song playing called "for good" from the musical wicked. and one part really hit me. there is a part that says, (Elphaeba singing) "and just to clear the air i ask forgiveness for the things i've done you've blamed me for." (Glinda) "but then i guess we know there's blame to share, " (both) "and none of it seems to matter any more." so that reminded me of how steph and i had realized that we both had made stupid decisions and that ended our friendship. and i guess i wish i could say it doesn't matter anymore. but the fact is it does. cuz, nothing will be the same again. and i lost a best friend. and no matter how i try things wont' be the same. and a good portion of that is due to how i've changed over the summer. i have made more friends. but not to say they will ever replace my friendship with steph, but i've adapted and no longer will ever have one sole friendship that i rely on. cuz if things go sour, then it won't hurt as much, cuz it's not like my whole life is with that person.

well, now i got off on a tangent... so as i was driving home, i found out that my friend jay has a girlfriend so i was like oh. whatev. then i get a random text from my friend art. well, to make a long story short, he asked if i had a crush. and i told him i had two. and then he asked who they were. then asked if he were one of them. and so i told him that yes he was. and turns out he kinda likes me too. but i guess he's worried a bit about the whole dating some one from work. so yah. but i ran into him at walmart on saturday. and my sister was with me and she said that he definitely likes me! lol so that boosted me. but then when i came to work on monday, it was just like things were normal. but yeah. we might hang this weekend.

so then i hung with holly on sunday night and we just had a talk abt art and life and everything else. it was good. and i think what i really needed. good times... :)

but then lets see...oh the point of the above paragraph. well, while hangin with holly i was texting a friend cody. and then at one point i told him abt holly and he said i should hook them up. then i told him to ask chris about holly. so then he actually asked someone else about holly and they told cody she wasnt cute at all. and i got offended. so between this on monday and last night, tuesday, cody got the idea that i was mad at him, when i'm not. i'm just kind of mad at the person who said this abt. holly, most likely cuz she's a bit overweight, but freakin gorgeous, i think. anyhoo, so he texts me last night abt all this. well, so i tell him i'm not mad at him. and clear up this misunderstanding. then he said, btw you owe me a massage. and this was all from an earlier conversation. so i said, lol i'll give you that massage when you finally ask me out! ( cuz he keeps saying he'll ask me out. but just makes excuses.) then he replied, i'll ask you out if you dont deny me when i kiss you. so i replied, well i might be able to make that compromise...we'll see if you ask me out! so then he said, If you promise ill ask you out this weekend. so that totally caught me off guard. cuz he's been making excuses for weeks and now he's saying that he'll ask me out this weekend. so i had to think for a bit and acutally got advice from holly. so what i ended up telling him that i wouldn't deny him if he kissed me. but i told him if that's all he wanted from me then i would deny him. cuz i don't get down like that. never again. so we have that settled. but he has yet to ask me out. but if he doesnt' ask me out by thursday, i'll say no cuz i'll have plans of some sort. so as not to appear easy. cuz i'm not.

so yeah. that's abt what is all happening!! wow, that's a lot. so yeah...

well, there is this group called t.A.T.u. that i absolutely love and i just got their first CD. cuz i like it best. and there is this song called "all the things she said." and it's the song on my mind now cuz my mind keeps goin over everything art and cody said. like i don't think i like cody much anymore, except that he's cute and can be nice. and it would be fun to go out with him... but yeah... i'm just looking for casual dating. and it would be that with cody.
so yeah...

average jane signing off..

ps. btw cody smells really good, today especially. lol he just walked past me...mmmm..

EDIT: so after posting this all, i just had somethin else i was reminded to post. cuz i have to say that there is actually one guy that i like but dont' pursue anything with beyond friends. cuz he's already got a girlfriend. and she's so nice and sweet that i wouldn't think of even doin anything to get between them even if i could. (his name is casey, btw) but he's just way cute and just the right look that really makes me sigh. then art also has that look too...but just not the same as casey...*sigh*

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i love life! he hee

so, the funniest thing happened yesterday. so i was at work and my dad comes in to tell me they had dropped off the car for me to get home, cuz they had dropped me off at work. but then my mom comes in and says she thought she might as well see where i work while she's here. so of course i have to introduce her to all my wonderful friends at work. so i take her to pumps dept. to meet callie, and i tell my mom callie is my favorite. but then my dad who has already met most everyone says that i have to have mom meet Art, a guy back in pumps dept. who is a good friend and i kind of have a crush on. so, i go back to the shop to see if hes there, but he isn't. so then i just come back to my desk. like two minutes later, he calls up to my phone and i tell him to stay where he is that i want my parents to meet him. so i go back there and they all meet...

well, then my parents leave cuz they have places to be. but then like 20 min. later, my friend callie comes up to me and says that she is in trouble now. and i ask her what she'd done now. she told me that she had said to Art that my parents had come just to meet him! lol lol so then she said that he blushed. then asked if callie was serious. callie said yeah. then he kind of smiled. so i later questioned more about the smile. and she said that it was an "oh-she-likes-me" smile. then i asked if it was an "oh, awkward, she likes me" smile or an "oh-she-likes-me-pleased" smile. and callie said it was definitely a pleased "oh-she-likes-me" smile! lol

totally made my day. well, that's all.

average jane signing off! :D

a confession

i've deleted this post...for my own reasons. those that have read it know what it said. but otherwise, it's gone forever...

average jane signing off.

feelings gettin in the way

well, not too much has gone on since i last posted. but i guess it's time to update.

so there is this guy at work that is in the pumps departement. each day i spend my breaks back in the pumps dept. specifically the shop, not the front counter. anyways, so i began taking my breaks back there, kind of following what my friend holly, who's position i took over, used to do. she had crush on this guy back in pumps. she would tell me each day abt him and try to get me to see him and see how cute he was. of course as fate would have it, i never saw who she was talking about while she still worked here. but a few days after she was gone, i finally saw who she had been trying to get me to meet. i have to admit that i had this mental picture of what he'd look like. i had a mental picture of a tough guy, like i don't know how to describe what i thought of him. but then i met him, and he had that bit of tough guy look to him. but inside i found that he's really a softie. he loves cars, has a '57 studebaker i believe that he is trying to fix up. and i am growing to really like him more and more each day. cuz he's just so cute, and really is just a kid at heart. it's adorable, and endearing. and did i mention he's incredibly cute in a boyish kind of way. yeah. so i'm kind of really starting to like him. but i'm not doing anything about it cuz of three main reasons. 1) no more dating at work. way too much drama. 2) i'd hate to ruin a friendship and i have no idea how he feels about me. i love hanging out with him and if he thinks i'm starting to like him as more than a friend, then we might not hang out. cuz he really makes me laugh some times.. finally 3) i'm not dating at the moment. i found that guys and dating just complicate my life. i don't want to have the drama that has been going on in my life with cody and chris. the not knowing if they are actually gonna ask me out, the wondering where we stand, the not wanting to hurt the guy when i don't want to be as serious. yeah so that's why i'm backing off...

also i still very much like another guy at work. even though i shouldn't. because he was a jerk to me and is now married. but i can't help that he can be a decent guy some of the time. there are days when life seems like shit and i can talk to him. and he can tell when something is wrong. it's weird. but he also is asking me a lot if i'm okay. and i ask him also if he's okay. cuz i care. and i know i shouldn't care like this. but i do... anyhoo. that's my babbling for today.

how's school...well, i love school. but i'm gonna lighten my load next semester. and i'm sort of getting sick of my jewelry class. it's fun but i don't think it's quite for me. anyooo.

average jane signing off...

lol guys make me laugh! D:

so i just have one thing to say.... what the fuck? (please excuse my language and i apologize spencer...) but you will totally understand when i tell you what has gone on today.

so we have a new warehouse guy. and let me answer the question you would be asking, because of previous entries. no i do not like the guy. he is not another warehouse guy i would consider going out with. totally just a friend. mostly cuz he's just a nice guy who's like at least mid thirtys. however. i think he likes me.

well, so i found out on my lunch break that this guy, Pablo, is new to steve regan and such... but he speaks very little english. he's from chile and speaks spanish. i speak a little spanish myself, so i tried to get what he was saying. it was kind of funny cuz when i tried telling him in spanish that my brother was in chile on a mission, i ended up telling him that my son was in chile! lol and he was so confused until i explained. lol but yeah. so then i really think nothing of him much until he starts to wink at me when he passes. and then he comes up to me and hands me a petunia he picked off darren's plant. then i go back in the warehouse to get somethin. he comes up to me, takes my hand and kisses it. he tells me he likes me then asks if he can get my number later. and me, still not being very smooth in saying no, said yes, (si). so yeah. now i have this guy that likes me! and i just met him today. but it's so damn annoying. why do i get the weird guys liking me!?!? lol but it's all good!

lol it's been a funny day. but i'll tell more later!!! it's closing Time!! :D

averagejane signing off!!!! :D

life and more!!! :D

yesterday was up and down but ended up good...

the morning began okay. and i was just kind of there at work. not really happy nor sad or anything but, just kind of here. then i got a call around 2:30 pm that was for our accts. receivable. and i thought that she was just out of her office for a sec so i took a message for her. but turns out she was gone for the day. so i decided to try and figure out how to do this for the customer. and then i ended up printing statements for every customer we had. which turned out to be a whole bunch! oops... and so then i explained to shawna that i had just been trying to look up something not really meaning to print it all...and she was like yah that's why it's connie's job... and it kind of made me feel really stupid. and that just dampened my mood completely. but then it only got better.

so i was talking to cody at lunchtime and he made some comment about my having a cute butt! lol made me laugh. but then on my second break, at about 3:15 pm, i was talking to cody again and i spent like a half hour with him. then i came back and not five min. later cody comes up and says that chris had asked him (cody) if i was a good kisser. total insult to the both of us that we would be so rude. and such. but i was like whatev. and cody told me that only made him want to kiss me even more! lol really funny. but then the day went on and at closing time cody came up to the front and we talked about just different stuff. it was cool and we were talking about stuff for real, not just the little stuff. and it was good to really start gettin to know him. then he asked if i could do him a favor and give him a ride to the trax/ bus station. and i did. then he just asked me some stuff...good times! lol i still laugh thinking of our conversation... :D but good times

so today. well, chris came up to me on my break and we talked a bit. and i confronted him about what he had said to cody. and he said that he was out of line and such. (turns out that he actually apologized to cody too...) but yeah. and then he said that to be friends we have to talk. and that it just felt like i was avoiding him. and maybe i was sort of. but he thought that in one instance yesterday in the break room that i purposely left cuz he came in. and that so wasn't the case this time. i just was leaving as he came in. and i guess that another part that irks me is thatto me it seems he expects to spend a lot of time with him as we're supposed to be friends. but i just want to spend more time gettin to know cody. and he doesn't seem to be gettin that. like he looked sad when i said that i was gonna go talk to cody. but i really just wanted to talk to cody...and so i told chris that. but yeah. anyhoo...thats' life... and all for now!

average jane signing off~

hard things to do...

i just did one of the hardest things for myself just now. it took a great deal of courage to do it. but i can't explain now. i will in about a week or so. cuz in doing so it will let out things i don't want to tell of at the moment. but it was hard. and i don't even know why i'm writing this, but i am. cuz i really would have rather not do it. but i know it would make a friend incredibly happy. so i did it. and i hope it all works out.

in my situation at work, i just had the most random thought. i behaved similarly to how chris is acting now, as when i did with steph and dave. i was just gettin mad at chris and casey for buttin into my business, when that is just what i did in steph and dave's case. that was none of my business. i should have just stated how i felt and left it at that. they seem happy together. and i should have jsut left it at that. but no i had to be childish and just be oober jealous that steph was spending more time with dave than me. and i guess that's just how it goes. i admit i was jealous. i felt that steph was abandoning me and choosing dave over me. and she was choosing to be with dave. so we both played a part. but i definitely acted childish in my actions. so here i apologize once again steph and dave for all that i've done. i should've butted out. sorry...i don't expect us to be friends in the near future at all, but at least maybe we can just let this settle and talk civily to each other. i guess it took me having a similar situation to see that i was acting almost as childish as chris.

you know, this year has been a time of growing up. especially this summer...i'm learning to take responsibility like in my job, and i'm learning that i acted really childish in some things. time to be more grown up. time to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. way stupid. but i have to say that there hardly is a day that goes by that i don't wish i still had steph to talk to, to hang out with. i'll do or hear little things that remind me of some fun thing me and steph did. like how she was green and i was red. and last christmas, her gift said to red from green. or the one night that she was driving me home at like 2 in the morning. we were at a stoplight and it was red. she was saying, "red! red! red! red! " trying to get it to change so we could go and i was like "don't you mean green?" lol we bust up laughing cuz we were so tired and giddy. and other memories, like how she insists on spelling uber like "oober" . she won't spell it any other way! lol good times that are past. well, i guess it only hurts to dwell on the past. but everything happens for a reason. that i believe with all my heart. i wish that i hadn't had to ruin a friendship for my life to take this path.but i have found that this path is where im meant to be for now. and smart person learns from their mistakes. so i'm learning, very slowly i admit.

so i doubt steph or dave will read this, but if they do, i hope they know that i really am sorry. please forgive my childish acts...

well, yeah... thats' all for now..

averagejane signing off.... (sorry.

more drama but it's all good!! :D

well, here i am...once again blogging my life to the whole world. well, making it available to the whole world, though probably only read by few...anyhoo, i'm babbling. but yeah, so things are interesting around the office. it's odd having everyone know about my dating life... and to have some rumors going around about me. like i just had my friend in the pumps dept. ask me if i was back with chris. and i so am not. cuz i don't want to get back in that drama with him. but at the same time i'm also wondering what i'm just doing overall. but my horoscope says to have a positive outlook on life today and that i can just relax. so i guess that means dont' worry and that things will work out... so here goes.

but so whats goin on in my life. well, the biggest thing right now is actually a date i have wednesday. well, big in the sense that it's the only thing i have going on and i really can't wait for it to be over. i'm goin on a date with darion on weds. he finally got the guts to ask me out and i said yes and am now regretting it... cuz he seems to think that we are boyfriend and girlfriend, though i specifically made sure he knew that we weren't. he called me four times one day in the space of two and a half hours, three of them in the space of an hour... and i was at work so i didn't answer them, plus i found out it was him so i didn't answer. but once i go out with him on weds. i don't have to again. cuz i will be busy and i will make plans that i absolutely cannot break for him... i know pathetic but it's how i get by!! :D

now, to the other stuff in my life....well i went and saw the movie "hairspray" and it was fantastic!!!! i wasn't so sure at first if i would like it cuz me and my sis actually went to see "becoming jane," but it was sold out!!! oh my we weren't expecting that! but hairspray was awsome! i recommend you all see it!

and...well, so my new crush at work. how are things with him.... well, he finally asked for my number on friday and we actually texted for a bit. but his charger was having issues so he never actually called me. well that is what he said. and for now i'm gonna believe him, but not put too much worry into if he calls me or what will happen between me and him. if it happens it happens. but, i really just need to keep my personal life, like my dating life, separate from work. i don't need more rumors and such goin on at work. i already have plenty from all of my dating chris shit...but yeah...

so i was talkin to cody just a bit ago. and then i came back to my desk cuz my break was over. and not five minutes later, cody comes up to me and says that another guy who works in warehouse, casey, saw cody and i talkin and was going to go tell chris that we had been talkin. that kind of pissed me off. and i guess it really pissed me off cuz i didn't think it was his business to go running to chris tellin him that me and cody had been talking, cuz that really depresses him for some reason. but its not like we're tryin to hide that we're talking. just if chris doesn't notice it, then why cause more drama and tell him? just common sense. but yeah the ppl here at work sometimes revolve around drama. it's funny sometimes, but damn annoying a lot lately. anyhoo, so i'm still gonna talk to cody, we're just gonna keep it on the DL. cuz why deliberately cause more drama? but yeah. i just dont' think its any body's business to spread rumors and shit. so i've definitely been keeping more of everything i hear to myself. i only will tell ppl stuff that i observe to be true with my own two eyes. i'm not gonna go spreading things i hear from others that i haven't seen for myself. that is what i'm gonna avoid. cuz i hate being in the middle of such.

well, i've babbled enough... lol :D but life is really not too bad at the moment! i will survive! lol totally thinkin of that song, "i'm a survivor, i'm gonna make, i will survive, keep on survivn..." lol its great!!!

averagejane signin off!!! (life is okay!! :D )

actin like a ditz and likin' guys@!!

well, let's just say things are gonna be interesting. well, at least i hope they will be. cuz i'm ready for something to happen.

so work was decent today. the morning actually began pretty good cuz i got the rest i needed and i was ready for work and anxious to see cody. so i got to work right at 8 am. like i'm supposed to. things all in all were a good morning. then sometime about just before my lunch break, i had something to deliver to Friz, back in the shipping office. i could have just thrown it through the window into the basket but i like to walk around every so often. and as an after bonus, i got to see cody. but so i went back into the office and put the paper on Friz's desk and as i walked in the office i noticed that cody and casey were in the office. i walked past them, put the paper down and went to walk out. on my way out cody said hi to me and asked how my day was. then i replied as i kept walking .and to explain somethin, the door to the shipping office is actually several strips of thick plastic. so when i went to walk out, i tried to part the strips. and turned out i missed one right in the middle. so as i walked out, half turning my face to reply, i knocked my glasses askew. it was silly. and i don't think cody saw. but i still felt like an idiot. turned out even if he did see, it didn't affect anything to do with me and cody.

later on about 3 pm, cody came up front and ate some peanuts while he talked to me. we just talked about random things in general. it was cool. and he asked how things were going with chris. and i told him that chris and i were talking. that i was trying to emphasize that we were just friends. and that i felt he was chilling and that things would be okay. cody seemed happy to hear that. he told me that he first told chris he wouldn't go out with me at all. but then he said he wouldn't go out with me until he (chris) was chill. but then cody told me that he'd give it another week or so, then he'd talk with chris if he wasnt' chill yet. cuz he said that chris was gonna be jealous of whoever i went out with... but i think we'll be okay. and cody said, then we can go on a date, then asked me, that is if you're still interested. and i joked a minute with him. and said, well, i'm not sure. then i said just kidding! i'm still interested. lol it felt really good to know he was still interested in me.

then the coolest news, and yet somewhat interesting news came from robert. i saw him and said hey what's up? and then somehow he mentioned something about the drama back in the warehouse. and i was like sounds like fun. and he told me, "you're the talk of the warehouse." and i said oh yeah, how? then he explained, "well, there's chris that talks about you, then art, and cody and george." and i asked, "how does george fit into this?" robert said," well, cody has to talk to george..." and i laughed. it was really funny... to be what the whole warehouse is talkin about...lol but then i got to thinkin. will the ppl just think of me as some person who just dates everyone? cuz first off i like robert, almost date him, then chris and i do actually date him. then now i like cody. i also thought of what my friend calls this girl that basically dated everyone in their school class. they say that she is like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn. i hope that no one thinks of me that way. but yeah. so that's my worries.

but i have to admit that i'd never thought a guy as amzingly cute and smart would like me. let's just say i'm the nerdy girl in school. that everyone will be friends with, but doesn't think of as more than a friend. bute here is this amzing guy. he's smart. and he doesn't like ppl to lie about themselves or to lie in general. he says he hates that more than anything. and he said that he's a bad boy ,and i'm a good girl, but that sometimes you just can't ignore the attraction. and he knows i'm a good girl of sorts, and yet he still likes me. and i can just be me. it's so cool. but things are good

but so things are going okay. and i can't wait to see cody tomorrow. but yeah..life's okay..
oh and i'm gettin my hair done special on saturday. i'll let you all know how it turns out.

average jane signing off! :D

thoughts at work...

so here i sit at work. and i'm in kind of a funk, of sorts. but it's hard to explain. but i need to write this all down. so here goes.

well, so today i've only once seen chris. and that was in the break room for lunch. and while it's to be expected, i still was surprised i hadn't seen him all day until lunch. cuz it's like he's a constant presence in my life and at work. i'm always seeing him. but i do admit that he purposely would take the will call orders to come up and see me. but now, he isn't taking them, specifically i think to avoid me. i'm not entirely sure on that though. anyhoo, so i saw him in the break room. and at first i didn't talk to him and he didn't talk to me. it was kind of awkward, and he was stomping around and being rough with things and seemed upset of sorts. then he stomped out of the break room and then came back with the movie moulin rouge. and we had talked about how i hadn't seen it so he told me that i'd have to borrow it some time. so i guess today was that sometime.

but so then i asked chris if he was okay. and he said he was. just a bit frustrated. he thought that cody was gonna move in tonight. but yeah. so he was frustrated about that. and our fertilizer room was not going right in the organizing they were doing. but the thing is that we talked and i told him about my date with darion that i am now regretting. as he called me four times yesterday in two and a half hour period. ugh!! but yeah.

so i'm just waiting for things to cool down with chris. because it's like things are at a standstill with cody and i. like we say hi. but that's about it. we really haven't talked since yesterday about all of that and him tellin me that he likes me. but i guess he's just been busy in the warehouse. they always seem so busy. cuz there are so many customers that need things pulled off the shelves. but yeah...

well, so as it comes near closing time, i have things i need to finish up, so i'll close this post. but just my random thoughts and feelings.....

averagejane signing off....(i'm in a weird mood)

yeah i'm silly

so i know that i just posted like a few hours ago. but i just have to say again that i was so freaking surprised when cody told me that he liked me and had for a while. and the fact that he had been nervous to approach me just makes me laugh and so giddy. cuz guys don't usually act that way around me. i was the smart one in school. and the way i talk sometimes was just a tad to specific and exact that would make the cute guys like cody go "huh?" but cody is not just a pretty face. he's smart. and he knows what makes a girl special and how to treat a girl. well, i hope that chris can mellow out and chill so that i can go out with cody a few times at least. but yeah.

so yeah well chris just texted me. and i think i might take this chance to make him see that we really just have to be friends and cool things off. so that way i can try to hurry along things and just let work not be so much drama...

anyhoo,
averagejane signing off! :D life is good.

boy drama and fun@!!!

lol so i just had to type that! but so an update on my life is in order!! :D

well, so so much drama has happened with chris. and i'm about fed up with it. so here it is!

well so on weds. i told chris that i was still gonna date other guys and made sure he knew that. and that there were other guys that i am interested in and then he asked if i liked someone else at work. and not gonna lie to him i said that yes i did. then he asked me questions and tried to figure out who it was that i liked. but, yah. and he acted all jealous and like a clingy boyfriend. and that was really annoying. so then he calls me on thurs. and apologized for acting like an ass. (his words and not mine) but then he acted like everything was okay. and when we talked on sunday, he acted like we were cool and said he hoped we could be friends. so then i come to work on mon. and i talk to my friend art. and turns out that chris on friday was asking around tryin to find out who it was i liked at work. but then i guess he had narrowed it down to art and cody, then to art and was givin him shit on friday. but, yah. so i confronted chris (on tues.) about it and tried to play it down as nothin. and such. but then anyways. i told art yesterday that it actually was cody that i liked. so he's all like "oh let me hook you up!' god it's so funny cuz he's like a freakin matchmaker! lol but yeah so he talked to cody and told me that cody liked me and such. but i didn't really believe him cuz i saw no indication from cody yet.

so then today, i came into work and on my first break went and talked to art. and we chatte about chris and art. and finally i found chris and confronted him about friday. then i told him that we would be just friends. then on my lunch break, cody kept comin up in the break room and seemed to want to talk to me. but there were just so many ppl in there. then finally it was just me and david and cody. and so finally cody told me that he liked me and that chris had just beat him to the punch and asked me out. he said that part of him was not wanting to start something because of chris and more drama and hurt feelings, but then a part of him was worried that i'd be swooped up by another guy and he (cody) would have missed his chance. lol that totally made me smile. that this guy thought i was such a catch that other guys might be after me!! :D but yeah. so then i told him that i had a crush on him but didn't say anything because of chris and not knowing how he (cody) would feel. but yeah. so things are cool!! :D i'm so excited. well works over so i'll close!

ttyl!

average jane signing off! :D

missing him but lovin cali!! :D

hey all!!!! so i'm in cali right now!! that is california!!! :D but i'm incredibly bored so here is my update since i've been so busy and not much time to write!!!

well, as most of my friends who read this know, i'm in california right now on family vacation. we came for disneyland!!! it's been two years since we came last and i am glad to be back. but at the same time i am terribly missing some people. like right now and for the past few days i have been terribly missing a guy i'm sort of dating. it's complicated. well, i've mentioned him before. his name is chris... and i have been missing him something fierce. i actually just had to call him last night on my sister's phone, cuz mine has no service outside utah!! :( bummer!! but i got to talk to him for about fifteen minutes which was good for me. but as we were driving yesterday, it seemed that he was all i could think about. just wanting him close to me. but alas, he is so far away. and this is totally not like me. and i'm the one who wanted to slow things down, but here i am a lot of miles away ( i don't know the exact amount) and i'm missing him terribly!!! what is wrong with me.... but yeah. so that is my babble about chris for now....

but, i really am excited for disneyland. i love that place. of course the first ride me and my sister rachel are goin on is pirates of the carribean!!! i so can't wait. and then the tower of terror at least a few hundred times!!! lol but yeah. oh and btw, i'm typing all this on my sister rachels laptop! she brought it with her andn we have free wireless internet at our hotel.... but i really can't wait for tomorrow!!! and i'm sure the week will just fly by cuz i'll be having so much fun!!!

but i just have to mention again that i'm missing chris a lot... but i'll see him in a week! cuz i'm calling him as soon as i get back and i'll show up at his place. but yeah i'm just so far gone. and i'm not really sure what to do. cuz even though i want to slow it down to be safe, whenever i'm near him i don't want to leave. he makes me happy and laugh, and makes me believe in myself and push life to the limits. it's great. cuz no one has ever really done that for me before. like i know my mom says you can do it! go for it. but that is mostly in academics. chris pulls me out of my books and pulls me into real life and real experiences! its' the most amzing feeling especially to know he's there beside me all the way. cuz i know he only wants the best for me. and i think i'm in his life for a reason. cuz i think he really wants to quit smoking, but i need to be here to provide some extra motivation!!! yeah, he's helped me so much all ready, now it's my turn! so here i go. oh god, i miss him. his arms around me, his kisses....lol

enough said, so it's been crazy. but i got to go!!!

average jane signing off!!! (disneyland here i come!!! chris, honey, see you soon!! :D )

guys and what to do

this past day i have done so much thinking. actually its been more than just the past day. but the majority of my thinking has come together today. cuz me and chris are getting more serious. and there is that lovely little alarm going off in me, like it did in my relationship with dave. and i'm beginning to ask myself what the hell i'm getting into. and i'm starting to freak a bit. and you wouldn't guess it at all from how i've been acting. like me and chris spend so much time together. and he's such a sweetheart. and i hate to admit that my sister was right, but i enjoy kissing. and so does chris. he kisses me a good amount. anyhoo, but the point is, he's getting attached to me and seems head over heels in love with me, per se. and i really like him, but i see the other guys at work, like cody and art, and i wonder what i'm getting into if i become serious with chris. like i really like cody, and he's so cute and he's a nice guy. and i also don't want to bring up chris' hopes so much that i hurt him and break his heart. cuz that would break mine. so i think that i just need to tell him that we need to take things slower. and just enjoy it without expecting anything beyond dating as friends. but yeah....

so that's my life right now. and i'm doing great. cuz i have a good guy in my life. and he makes me laugh. and smile. also i have a great job that allows me money to have fun and do things with friends...

well i got to go...

average jane signing off! : P

just life and such

well, it's been a few days since i've written, but i have a good explanation. i got into an accident on tuesday and i've been in the hospital..... just kidding. about the hospital part though.... i really did get in an accident. it was only a fender bender. and only damaged my car really. it would cost me around the same to replace the parts i damaged as to get a new car. so my parents will prob. just get a new car eventually...but my car is okay and i'm okay. i had a little whiplash, but not too bad. and of course i got a ticket for negligent collision. you know, i don't really know why i was so distracted and why my car didn't stop or why i didn't just swerve. i had been texting a bit, but i had plenty of space to stop and i slammed on my brakes and i was only going like 45 mph. but i guess maybe i was just so distracted. but if i ever get caught in that sort of situation again, i will remember to swerve and save myself the ticket and the damage. but yeah.

oh and so that night when i was in the accident i was actually on my way to pick up chris to go to the rodeo. and i was all high strung when i got to his house, but he was so sweet and we just relaxed and i calmed down. he was amzing about all of it. it actually turned out to be better that we just hung out at his apartment. i really had a good time. and he was just so cute. it all turned out okay.

but then on wednesday, july fourth we ended up going to sugarhouse for the fireworks and i had a good time. it was really good fireworks, the best i've seen i have to admit. we walked back to my car. and then we hung there for a sec. and kissed. lol it was good...but then we managed to make it back to his place to hang for about 20 min. then he walked me to my car, and kissed me goodnight. then i managed to get home before midnight!!!! :D

but, thursday robert showed up for work. and it was kind of funny to see him. and you know? i really don't have such hard feelings for him. not anymore. i've kind of gotten over it sort of. like i still think he's a jerk, but i don't care anymore because i'm not gonna be fooled again. and i can actually talk to him civilly and say hi. but yeah. that chapter is closed, and we just exist as acquaintances.

but, so i have a "date" lol for saturday. somehow, my friend meisha ended up setting up a date with my cousin and she was talking to me about it and told me that she wanted to know if i wanted to come with her. so i told her sure. and i called up my bud nathan to see if he wanted to come with me! and it looks like we're gonna hang on saturday. cuz we haven't hung out for a month. but yeah that should be a blast.


anyhoo, so i thought that i should take things slower with chris. and i wasn't gonna do anything this weekend with chris, that's why i didn't ask him to come with me on saturday. but he might call tonight, and we'll probably do something. whether we go to a movie or just hang at his place.

oh and i have to put in a plug here. so there is something called net radio. it's really pretty much amzing. but ppl are trying to make it so costly that it would basically get rid of net radio. and i don't know how many of you listen to it. but for my sake and those that listen, take a stand. let your congressmen know that they shouldn't up the price of the net radio. thats why i put the banners on my blog. so please take a stand and go to savenetradio.org and do what you can!!! please cuz there is not much time left...

but yeah....well, that's all for this time. til later.

averagejane signing off!

oh and side note, so i hadn't worn my second piercing for a while and i tried to put an earring back in, and amzingly i got it back it. so yeah.... but i love life...:D

a first time for everything...

so it's been a few days and it seems a lifetime of things has happened to me in them. i feel changed and different, just a tad older and more in control of my life. it's kind of nice. but let me tell you what's happened and you can see what i mean.

so on thursday i got the biggest shocker of my life. just when i thought i could really believe robert, it turns out i was wrong. i guess maybe i just wanted so much to believe him that i disbelieved what everyone else was telling me. everyone had told me that chris would never lie. and it took someone else coming up and telling me that robert did have a girlfriend and that they actually got engaged to wake me up. i was just sitting at my desk when gilbert from the pumps dept. came to my desk and said,' robert's girlfriend just came and was showing off her engagement ring.' and he said that robert had a smug/proud look on his face when she was showing it off...silly me to actually believe him. but chris came up about ten or so minutes later and the first thing i said to him was,' i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i didn't believe you were telling the truth.' and he said,' thanx.' and so i got that all sorted out. but i really wanted to slug robert so hard for lying to my face three consecutive times that he didn't have a girlfriend. i hate that i still believed him. but that's now in the past. but before i found all this out i actually told chris, ' you know, whatever drama has gone on, let's just forget it. i don't care anymore.' cuz chris is a great guy. but then he did turn out to be telling the truth. silly me for that. so then we still planned on going out on friday.

so the funny part of this whole story is that chris doesn't have a car. he has a motorcycle but is still trying hard to register it. so our date on friday, he walked from his place down to the dollar theater and we watched a movie and ate something at arbys. it was way fun. after the movie, we just sat on the back of my car and talked. about everything. it was so cool cuz not only is he a great listener, but he actually discusses things with me. that's one difference that i found from any other guy i have liked. and it was so amzing. and we got to talkin about the mtns. and i found that he loves to go up in the mtns. so we kind of said, oh one time we have to go up there. and he had a waterfall he wanted to show me. but we set no definite time. then, i had to leave to make it back a half hour after my curfew. my parents weren't really mad.

then saturday the 30th. i went to the taylorsville dayzz parade and i actually got a bit sunburnt. but i texted chris to see if he was awake yet. and he finally texted me around noon. and i was out delivering flyers for sumthing. and he asked me what my plans were for that day. and i told him i just had to pass out these flyers, do some dishes, then take a shower. but i asked him why. and he said that he wanted to show me his waterfall. so we made plans for me to call him as soon as i was ready. then i picked him up and we went up little cottonwood canyon and found his waterfall and actually explored off to the side of it. it was fun. then i told him about donut falls and he said he'd never been there. so he said, why dont' you show me. cuz he'd shown me somthing new so now i'd show him somthing new. so we drove up big cottonwood canyon. and i forgot how far up the canyon it was so i got scared that i was going the wrong way. but i found it. and so we drove up to the parking lot and found a space. then we began our hike. it didnt' take us too long to hike it. but then we got to the waterfall and you have to climb up to the place where the water actually falls. it was a little difficult geting up, but chris was so sweet and helped me up. there was actually one part that was so difficult that he really was helping me. and he pulled me up and i kind of fell into his arms. it was comfortable....but then we got to the top and he asked if i had ever been above the falls. and i hadnt' and told him i really was too scared to go up there. and he pestered me a little asking if i was curious to see what was up there. but then i said fine lets go. and he said, you don't have to if you dont' want to. i won't make you. but i said no i'm goin up. so i went up with him coming behind me. and you know. it was even more beautiful up there. it was breathtaking and gorgeous. i'm glad he pushed me to try going up. he's just a great guy to encourage me to try new things and get me out of the bubble i've been in so long. but then we waded in the little pool at the top, then decided to climb back down. we got back down to the main trail and i kind of kept slipping and such, so i held his hand for support. and then i said, i guess you'll just have to hold my hand so i don't fall. and then we held hands the whole way down. it was amzing... he's so sweet. but then i took him home and dropped him off about 7 pm. then i went home and got ready for the fireworks cuz my pants were all dusty from the hike. but so then at about 9 pm i went and picked him up and we went to the fireworks. he met my parents and they were nice and such. but then we went and found our own spot and laid down to watch the fireworks. we ended up holding hands. and then after the fireworks were over, we just stayed in the park, just cuddling and talking. there were moments of silence but they were reflective silence rather than uncomfortable. it was way nice. then about 11:39 i checked my phone and said, i probably should go so i make curfew. and he said yeah maybe you should. but then i bent to get my flip flops and he put his arm around me and pulled me close saying 'you're not going anywhere!' lol and i just snuggled up to him and didnt argue cuz i didn't want to leave. but then at one point i turned to look at him and he was looking at me. then his hand went to my chin and he pulled me close, and kissed me. it was so cute. it wasn't perfect as this was my first kiss. but it was so cute nonetheless. *sigh* and i told him it was my first kiss. and he was so cute about it and how i was not experienced in kissing. but then we did leave cuz it was now like 12:10 or so in the morning. so then we walked back to my car, hand in hand. and i drove him home. once i got to his apartment, i turned off the car and just sat there with him. cuz i didn't want him to go. but then he turned to me and kissed me several more times. i think i did better kissing those times. but i feel that i will have many chances to improve.... :D so i look forward to whatever comes of this.

of course i didn't tell my parents of this or my sister rachel. cuz i don't know how they would react. i told only holly. cuz she understands... it's nice. but yeah. i was floating on cloud nine last night and i can't wait to see him tomorrow. *sigh* my life is going right for once. and it's totally been unplanned...

average jane signing off...(i'm so far gone...)

it will be okay...time will heal all things...

well, so i have to admit that the first part of work today was hell to get through. and last night i couldn't sleep and couldn't figure out what to do. but i think i have figured out some portion of it.

almost everything i feel is telling me to believe robert. i know him just a tad better and he has always been serious and upfront with me. also, chris all but admitted his guilt when he didn't show up to work today. and the other thing is that his closest friend casey is also upset with him that he stooped that low as to tell lies to get a girl. like robert said, a girl isn't worth a friendship. or in my case, if i were in his situation, a guy isn't worth a friendship. i learned that the hard way. but yeah. and i told robert that everything is telling me to believe him and for that reason i will give chris a chance. but i asked two things of robert. i told him i would like to meet his sister. and he agreed. then i asked that he call me tonight. i gave him my cell phone number. and he said he'd call. he even had it memorized before he left work today. it was kind of flattering. but he said he'd call tonight. and i hope he doesn't disappoint. especially now that i'm really gonna trust him.

but i think things will be okay. hmm...but i'm waiting for him to call and i got two texts simultaneously and it totally set my heart racing. it was funny! :D but i better post this!

averagejane signing off... (things will be okay. he still likes me!)

don't know who to believe anymore....

i don't know who or what to believe anymore. honestly, cuz i confronted robert today about what chris had told me. of course not saying that i had heard it from chris. (i started typing robert instead of chris....god i have robert on my mind... i'm helpless) but he told me straight to my face that he doesn't have a girlfriend or fiance. that emily really is his sister. and he told me he'd bring her in and introduce her to me as his sister and such. and i was gonna tell him i wanted him to do that. but i forgot. but we talked and he answered all my questions and admitted guilt to some things. like he admitted telling chris the day after he had asked me out to go ask me out. cuz by then he had realized how much chris really liked me. and he admitted that he was with chris on friday. cuz he was supposed to stand me up and that's supposedly why we got cut off on the phone cuz chris came up. and when i confronted robert about how chris had said robert had a little girl, robert said that was true. he does have a little girl, presumably from a previous marriage. but then he told me once again that he was and still is very much interested in me. but he's letting chris have a chance and see if things work out between me and chris. but he says he doesn't think they will work out, but the reason he called me friday night is because he got to thinking that if things didn't work out between me and chris, and then me and him, robert, started goin out and got serious... well, he didn't want me to completely hate him. i mean how could he be the one in the wrong. but maybe i am partially biased in robert's case. i don't know. but i'm goin out with chris this weekend. though i don't know what to do with him. cuz he came up to me and apologized for jerking me around. but i don't know if that means he was partially lying to me or if it means that he just is sorry that i'm gettin so jerked around...i dont' know. but i have to admit that i need to figure this all out soon or else i will seriously go crazy...

average jane signing off....

confused and hurt

so, things are not as they seemed to be, i think. cuz i got some new information, that very much makes sense. more than robert did, though i still am being cautious with everything. so here it is.

robert was supposed to call me on saturday, and didn't. so today i saw him and he said that he was so sorry that he didn't call and that he just spaced it. and i was like, 'uh huh...' and i told him i had gotten a cell phone and he asked if he could have it. and i was gonna give it to him. but he never came to get it from me. so i was waiting for chris to aske me out, cuz robert said he would today. so then closing time came and chris came up to me and we talked. he came up and told me that robert was just a big liar. and chris said he'd been just staying on the sidelines of this, but felt that he couldn't just watch me get into this deeper and get hurt. so he explained that the girl that robert kept saying was his sister is actually his girlfriend. actually his fiance. and that they are to be married in two weeks. that robert doesnt' even have a sister. also, it turns out that friday night, robert really was standing me up. turns out his girlfriend got off work early, and he and chris and she went bowling that night. and that he must have been calling me from there, cuz he called from a pay phone. and all that story about chris and him getting in a fight and chris wanting him to stand me up, seems to be a lie. i still don't know that all this is true for sure. but i want to know what is true. because parts of chris' story really make sense. like why robert said no to doing anything else on friday. cuz he was with his girlfriend. and just other little tidbits making sense. but i guess i just want to believe so hard that one person is really a great guy, cuz i want to meet a great guy that really, truly is interested in me that maybe i'm trying too hard to make them right. also , it seems that robert was married before and has a little girl. and that he had a girlfriend while he was married and a mistress. that part i don't really have a way to know for sure it's true. but it doesn't matter all too much to me now. i just want to know if robert does have a girlfriend/fiance. i think i'll shock him into tripping up and admitting something. like just say, 'so how's your girlfriend?' but yeah.

so me and chris talked for quite some time after work. i left work around 5:40ish. cuz me and chris were just talking and talking and it really was nice. but i ended up giving him a ride a little ways and dropping him off at a bus stop near my house and he caught a bus to his house. but on the drive to the bus stop we talked about a lot of things. also, as i stopped to let him out, he asked me, 'so are you doing anything friday?' and i said,'umm...no.' he then said, ' so we should do something then.' and i said 'definitely.' so he said,' i'll see you at work tomorrow.' and i said yeah. then i drove off as he walked to the bus stop and i waved goodbye and he waved bye also. but i think this might work out. but i'm gonna just be cautious still.

so yeah that's the new drama. i have to admit i so want to just go up to him and yell at him. and punch him really hard. cuz i also can't believe i was so stupid to believe him. but now i will get down to the bottom of all this.

anyhoo, tha's it. so i'll be okay. i'm working it all through...

averagejane signing off

so more craziness....

so hey for my friend's sake i'm coming on to say, ' i made it back safe and sound from my hangout with jesse!' but at the same time, things are different. cuz here's what happened.

well, the hangout started out like 15-20 minutes late cuz i got lost and couldn't find parking. but then i caught up with jesse and we really had a good time. it was fun to be able to hang out and just chat. cuz when we first met, we went to dinner and a movie, and didn't have much time to talk. so this time was good. but near the end of our hangout, we went into the virgin megastore at gateway, cuz it had some sale cuz it was closing. and i have come to love the store for its sales. so we wandered around and talked and looked at cds and movies. then as we were walkin up to pay for my cd, jesse put his arm around my waist and said, 'i'm sorry for not talking much.' and i told him it was alright. and that i talk a lot. and when he put his arm around my waist for that brief few seconds, that's when i first wondered if he had started to really like me. and looking back, he seemed to recall bits about my life i had told him that i wouldn't have expected someone to remember. cuz i mentioned my ex. and he immediately said, 'dave?' like he remembered his name. this happened with a couple of other little facts. but then when we went up to the counter to pay, he saw that they had harry potter 1 and 2 for half off. so i was like oh... i want those...hmm.. and he did the whole arm around my waist thing but a bit different and longer. so i began to suspect something more. but it wasnt' until we were in the parking lot under the gateway that i began to think really much of anything. he walked me to my car and i was saying goodbye. then he put his arms on my waist as i was facing him and pulled me closer to him. he then said, ' i know this is out of the blue, but do you want to go out with me?' and i kind of hesitated. and he said, 'it's okay to say yes or no, either way.' and i said, 'possibly' and he said 'it's okay to say no.' and i said, 'i'd like to go on dates with you, but not boyfriend/girlfriend like.' and he said okay. then we said goodbye, hugged and he went to find his car.

then i came home and i was like oh what am i getting myself into....so i wrote him an email clarifying that i would like to go on dates, but just as friends, so i guess that's more of a hangout. but i told him that there is actually a guy i'm interested in right now. and that's robert. i like him and i want the chance to get to know him better. cuz he's way nice. and cute and funny. and i really want to go on a date with him. i wish that chris didn't have to be in the way. but i know how it hurts to lose a friendship. it really bites. and i am not gonna be the reason that robert and chris' friendship dies. so yeah. but maybe after i go on one date with chris, it'll work itself out. cuz i don't want to hurt chris' feelings. but i really want to go on a date with robert....it's way too complicated. oh well, at least it's not three guys anymore that i have to worry about. i'm glad i dealt with that before i dragged myself into a mess where i hurt a friend i care about. so yeah...

but i really did have a good day. i'm just tired....oh and i got my cell phone! it's exciting cuz i love being able to text ppl and call them. like i called jesse to know i'd be a little late. and i called home to tell them i'd be home in like 20 min. to 1/2 an hour. it was nice...but yeah. i just hope robert calls tonight. he said he would, but we got cut off yesterday in the middle of our conversation, so he might think i'm mad at him....or sumthin like that... so i still hope he calls. but hey i g2g...

average jane signing off...(life is crazy, but it'll settle soon..)