dunno...

so i know i should be getting to sleep. after all i have to be up again in just under six hours...lol but here i am, half falling asleep, half wide awake, and fully in a blogging mood....

well, i know earlier this week, jay told me i needed to update my blog cuz i haven't written since the 5th...lol he's one to talk as he hasn't written anything since the 18th, of june...lol

so maybe i'll start with an update and see where that takes me.

wow...to be honest i don't know where to begin..my thoughts are all a jumble and can't seem to place any of it in some sort of order. guess i'll just start with whats foremost on my mind at the moment.

last week, i went on vacation with my family down to Moab, Utah...lol i know. not very far, but it was a small escape. However, wasn't the most brilliant plan as it was actually hotter than in Salt Lake. lol my idea to go there...silly me. But, i did mostly enjoy the trip. we got to see Arches and Canyonland, which i hadn't been to in 3 years almost. i got to convince my family to go to the fiery furnace cuz it really is a beautiful spot to explore. i really did enjoy the trip, once i got past missing jay so much. it's kind of funny. you don't really realize how much you see of a person, how much you take for granted, until you have to be apart. we were apart for a week and a half. yet i literally went crazy. on vacation...i was in a pissy mood half the time, a quarter of the time sluggish, and the last quarter, trying to focus on music and takin pictures so i wouldn't be pissy or sluggish. it took real effort to make it through the week i was in Moab. my family noticed it. i was texting him when i could, yet it was not enough. i talked to him a few times, which actually helped. kind of calmed me down, was good to know he was going as crazy as me. one time, as hard as this is to admit, i broke down. i don't know if being tired added to it all, but i was talking to my mom and she said to me, " you miss him huh..." and i replied "yeah..." and lost it. started to cry a bit as i was telling her how crazy i was going... its an odd feeling, yet good cuz it means i'm feeling something...that this all is the real thing. cuz why would i miss him so much if it wasn't love. i guess others could have their opinion on that. but, this missing him was different from mising anyone else. i just wanted to see him, to feel his arms around me. to know that he was still there and still loved me. thats all... the phone calls eased this ache.

i finally lost it though on sunday. i couldn't eat, cuz i knew i would only be eatin out of boredom and nothing else to do. i had things to do in my room, yet i couldn't concentrate. i thought maybe i'd watch a movie, but i couldn't focus enough to decide on one. i finally resorted to balancing my checkbook, with minimal concentration. i was in a funk and lost. i had finally gone over the edge. it was the weirdest feeling. my life felt...empty...pointless without him. i felt as if i just needed him there to be able to function. i've never felt so helpless in my life.

finally the day came that he returned. tuesday night. work was torture. i should have been able to focus on work cuz i was busy...but my mind was counting down the hours...the minutes...til he would be home. i even stayed after work to try and focus my mind elsewhere while i waited, as i knew i would just fall off the deep end if i waited at home. then finally....he was home. when he came to my house, the first thing i did was hurry out the door and pull him into a big hug, then of course kissed him. my life was back together...

we now have vowed never to spend more than 4 days apart. we can't handle it. he was going just as crazy as me while he was gone. Oh, btw, while i was gone on vacation, so was he. He, unfortunately was gone 3 days longer than me.... but it's all good now.

then, tonight...i had my first real "freak-out" about my relationship with jay. with me, a freak-out is bound to happen in any relationship. most often it ends in me breaking up with the guy because i get to a "what the hell am i doing" kind of realization. i've always broken up with the guy, not the other way around... so i guess it's been a bit easier for me. but, this freak-out point really threw me for a loop. it wasn't at all like the other few had been. there is that part of me that is saying "what the hell are you doing!" while the other is saying..." you love him, he loves you. what else do you need?" it's weird really. especially how it all went. because like all of today and yesterday, i've been having these freak out thoughts. like "you had your future all planned...finish college, get a degree, get a good job, make mega bucks, don't even think about marriage til 25 yrs old. etc." the one typical freak out thought. yet tonight started out normal. i was glad to be with jay, just content...then as we were heading back to my house, it was like something just switched in me. something snapped. i decided to walk in the middle of my residential street to home. it was about midnight...so the street was kind of empty. jay kept trying to get me to come back to the sidewalk, but i wouldn't be persuaded. i was kind of pissy and said i want to walk in the middle of the f---in' street...so he walked by me for a bit, then kind of gettin the distance i was mentally away...he went back to the sidewalk. i was reminded of when friends and i had walked these streets. how i was the crazy, independent girl. the one cool girl in the ward, according to my foster boy friends...lol good times. and a part of me misses that...life was a little more carefree then. i didn't care really what i was doing, it just happened. i didn't care about much of what i did... and it scares me a bit, to find myself feeling like i'm losing that crazy independent girl. becoming the girl that loses it when she is away from her guy too long. scares her that she needs someone in her life to make it complete. i was always saying that even though i was a helpless romantic, i needed no guy to complete my life. i always prided myself on being the one who loved less in relationship, that it was easier for me to detach myself once i freaked out...once i got bored. yet here i am, so blatantly gone. and that in itself scares me. yet through all this, jay remains a rock. i sat there just babblin away about all of this to him tonight... and he just listened...and told me he loved me. i told him he had to be crazy to love me....lol and yet one thing overall keeps me sane through all this, the fact that even though i am freaking out, i love jay. i cannot imagine having to live without him. with tonight, i think mostly i just needed to voice my freak out thoughts...i felt so much lighter, and much more calm and composed. jay just listened and when i was done, just pulled me to him and held me...and i just stayed there in his arms, content to be there, not needing anything else.

isn't it crazy how life can switch so fast....i say i love change and i do, yet major changes throw me for a loop. i can last a little while, but eventually it all catches up to me, and lets just say i suck dealing with change...that is one of my biggest weaknesses...oh well. i cope with it.

well, i think i've written my first short story :) lol this would be my cue to stop. as i am actually starting to fall asleep now. which is good. i need to be able to crash and just rest.

i close this, my diary of jane....