well, so i know its weird but i'm bloggin again. but have you ever felt like you can just feel your life spinning out of control? that you need to do something to feel like you are in control? well, i always hear about how ppl are anorexic and don't eat because that may be the one thing in their life they can control. well, in my life, i just drive. i drive with no real direction. and the key to my driving is speed. i go fast and faster. last night i was driving home from my friend's house in sandy. and i was just driving down a basically empty freeway. and i almost got to 100 mph. i was around 95 mph. i like the speed cuz i prove to myself that on the turns or anything else that i can keep control. i love speed and the feel of the car dangerously speeding down the road. the risk of having the car going so fast. that at any turn it could spin out. but i have control...
that was how i was feeling last night and it contiues on somewhat to this morning. and the song today is "show me love", by t.A.T.u. again. (lyrics at http://artists.letssingit.com/tatu-lyrics-show-me-love-extended-version-w596wcd) but it just is my mood telling guys that make all these promises to me that they never fulfill. and right now i want the feeling that comes from having that special some one. cuz i'm just kind of in a rut in my life. or maybe not really a rut. but more that i have a facade that i put on for the whole world that never really is me. i find myself acting to please more often than not, as crazy as that my sound coming from me. i agree with ppl, cuz i want to fit in. i may put on this façade that i don't care. but i took this quiz about what my greatest fear is. and you think of the normal fears like spiders and the dark, and snakes. but this quiz hit it dead on. i may not like snakes or othre creepy crawlers. but my biggest fear is not being accepted. i rearely feel like i truly fit in anywhere. so if i let you in my life and if i truly consider you my best friend, then feel lucky. not that it's an honor or that i'm special or anything. just i have a hard time really letting ppl into who i am. for what i post here is merely the surface of what is me. and i guess sometimes i define myself by who i'm with. like they define how i act and who i talk to. it's complicated. but yeah... now i've babbled long enough.
average jane signing off
14 comments:
Reminds me of a good sermon I heard a couple of weeks ago!
And it's hard not being accepted, isn't it? I mean, I don't try to fit in just to fit in, but sometimes even I get sick of the ridicule and being the outcast. There's a verse in the Bible, though that comes to mind if you will let me quote it. It's where Jesus says something like, "Woe unto you when men speak well of you!" It basically means that if you do what's right, you're gonna get a lot of flak for it sometimes.
So, I should consider myself lucky? :-) I do. I really, really do. :-)
And I totally understand what you said about that special someone...it's that feeling, kind of like a little hole, right? You see other people who love each other, or have someone, and you might not be jealous, but you wish you could have something like that. You feel this need for companionship and love, but you haven't found it yet. (All in God's time is what I figure.) Is that what you're talking about?
Spence!
P.S. And you stop speeding! You make me worry! :-O
yeah it's hard not being accepted. really is...
the whole special someone part..yeah that's what i mean. i'm not necessarily wanting what a couple has, like the guy the girl has. but i want that special someone who when i'm with them nothing else matters and that when i'm with them it doesnt matter what ppl think. to always have someone there that cares. and when i look like shit, they still are around..
anyhoo... i love to speed! :D
"the whole special someone part..yeah that's what i mean. i'm not necessarily wanting what a couple has, like the guy the girl has. but i want that special someone who when i'm with them nothing else matters and that when i'm with them it doesnt matter what ppl think. to always have someone there that cares. and when i look like shit, they still are around.."
That's kinda what I meant; I didn't mean I'd actually want the guy's girl so much as I meant that it'd be nice to be in love and have someone who sees you like that, if you catch my drift?
But, waiting is the game for me; you know all about that!
And no, please don't speed! *Spencer panics*
Lol, you're probably laughing now. :-P
Da Fearless One!
lol yup i'm laughing. sorry to worry you but i promise i wont get hurt@!@ :D
You better not get hurt!!!
lol don't worry. i don't have a death wish. or even a wish to end up in a hospital...i'll be safe for you spencer
Promise? :-D
lol promise. i pinky swear if that helps any :D
Pinky swear? I've never heard of that before, but as long as you promise that's good enough for this guy.
lol you've never heard of pinky swear? wow. that was the big thing when i was a kid. to pinky swear on something was pretty serious stuff. lol. oh the good days. :D
Lol, maybe it originated on the East Coast and never made it's way out to Calif. ;-P
lol just might be...
Zoom zoom. 8-)
lol...
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