well, here i sit at 12:09 am. there is just somethin inside of me not allowing me to go to sleep so i decided to surf the net. and here's where it lead me. my blog which i haven't updated in a while... so here goes nothing.
well, so i let my mom in on the whole situation with a very close, very married friend. and i have to say that the reaction was slightly different than what i initially expected. my mom just warned me a lot and reminded me what i had told her before. and i guess the hardest part is that this guy just makes me feel beautiful and special. tells me never to settle for just good enough. that i deserve more. and i feel just lucky to be around him. but always in the back of my mind is if i go out with him, what's to say he won't cheat on me, like he's done before and is doing now to his wife now? that crosses my mind all the time. and he has lied to me before. once or twice, but he's been honest with me since he made a promise to me to tell me the truth.
my friends, especially one special guy friend, warn that he's out for one thing, a piece of ass, to put in crudely. or sex in other words. but this guy knows he ain't gonna get it from me. i don't play that way at all. so i guess i really just want to believe that he's really into me and my personality. and i feel a sense of security with him in part. i don't entirely know why. and i would be lying if i said that i never think of what if i got so involved with him that we got married. i would be an instant mom to his little girl. and while that thought in itself warms my heart. just the safeness and feeling of being needed makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. but then the young, i'm-just-a-girl-still part of me isn't sure i want to commit to that all yet. maybe in a year or two. but, i still have a bit of life to experience.
also in the back of my mind is what all this marriage and then divorce is doing to his little girl. isn't she confused why she just got a new mommy, why her real mommy doesn't want her, and why this new mommy is gonna be leaving? it isn't healthy. and maybe that's why a part of me just wants to be her mommy and tell her i won't be leaving. even with every disagreement me and my mom have had, i still had mommy to go to when i was little. i can't even imagine what goes through this little girl's head. i just feel so sad for her. i love little kids and there is just something comforting about holding a little kid in your arms telling them it will all be okay and they just are comforted and snuggle up to you for protection and reassurance. as you get older, you don't snuggle up to mom or dad anymore. you just kind of have to fend for yourself. that's why i love jsut being able to comfort the little ones like that.
then on the other hand, i meet new ppl that i love talking to. and i wonder what i really want in life. ppl tell me, you have several years before you need to decide or think about really settling down. but then a part of me wonders what if i don't have all that long? after all who can really say that they won't die tomorrow. life will never cease to amze us or catch us unawares. that's why i try to just live each day to the fullest. try to experience new things. one of my fav. quotes is from the movie MONSTER IN LAW, with j. lo. she says as her character that "life is too short to live the same day twice." and that makes me think, really think...
i really shouldn't sit and think this late at night. or should i say early morning as it is now 1:05 am. lol i really get pensive and worried and wondering about life. so i think this is now a good time to stop before i really get going...
ok i lied i have one more thing to post. i went and visited my friend, and guy i used to date, chris, just out of the blue. and i have to admit i've missed talkin to him. really talking like we used to. but it's weird now. like we can still talk but i feel awkward in some things we talk about...but i miss him a lot. i just didn't really realize until now. but i need to remember there was a reason i stopped dating him. that we can only be friends. and i think he was happy i stopped by. but yeah...
now it's 1:12 am and i really am gonna get off here! i should sleep some .... but who's to say i really will.
average jane signing off....
8 comments:
Eh, sleep is for suckers. You want to blog. >:-D
But I agree that you're too good for "just good enough." Do you think I like the idea of my best friend being jerked around? ;-) Don't be so picky that no one is right, but do hold your prospects to a standard you know you can spend your whole life with. I won't tell you what I think that standard should be, but if you ever want a second opinion or any sort of encouragement, you know where to find me. :-)
lol that's funny.
but thanx...that really made me feel good...i'm still just trying to figure things out. i hope i can figure it out.
I basically agree with Nathan. Especially with the part about being jerked around! (Although I know I don't know the guy, I have to say, if he's lied to you before, you simply cannot trust him. Anyway that's what I've learned in my experience.)
I do think you deserve better than him, though. I can understand your confusion in a way though.... Any more than that and I'll get all religious on ya, so I'll stop there. ;-P
Take care, I love you!
Spencer
P.S. And happy birthday!!!!
lol thanx guys...i think it'll all be okay. and thanx again spencer..
Hehe, no worries, it was my pleasure. :-D
On an off note, me and Nathy boy are playing an interesting game on our blogs if you're interested in joining in. :-P
lol i'll have to check it out and maybe join in. lol
Please, do. It's a rare oppurtunity to be impertinent. And who doesn't love to be impertinent? :-P
lol to be impertinent? lol i'm gonna have to think of some questions! :D
Post a Comment