sweethearts and an apology

okay. time to update again. well, sweethearts was a blast. i have to say. i mean how could i not have had fun when i went with my two bestest friends?! i took nathan as my date, and steph came with ryan. then we had natalie and her date, colin. it was fun to say the least. we ran late on the day activity, which kind of set us late for the rest of the night. but we worked through it. and i'm not proud to admit it, but i was kind of a bitch that night about some things. i was really especially rude to ryan. and i'm kind of feeling way stupid. cuz i totally acted like a two-year old that didn't get her way. silly, i know. anyhoo, so this is a formal apology online to ryan. i'm sorry. i was way out of line and hope that we can still be friends!

but i really did have a great time. we had a funny group and i can't wait to get the pics. me and nathan got some funny ones.

but, so i'm trying right now to figure out my feelings for one of my friends. i think i might like one of my good friends, but i dont know. he frustrates me sometimes. but a lot of the time, he makes me laugh. and i don't know. cuz i don't want to say anything to screw up a friendship. hmm...maybe i'll just do nothing and just stay friends. not too much a possibility to screw things up. well, knowing me, that's not true.

anyhoo, i'm doing okay. my sister and i are planning a trip to new york this fall. i'm so excited cuz we might go see the play "wicked"!!!! i want to see it so bad. but it should be cool.

oh and i was grounded. it was funny. but my mom has already forgotten. so i was gonna do sumthin with a friend. but i guess i'll just stay home and figure out my feelings. they are so screwed up. and i'm not entirely sure about anything anymore. like i told a friend, i'm sick of complicated. hope i can resolve things soon. maybe i should just follow the example of another friend and just lock myself in my room and stay there until i figure things out. i might just try it.

but, that's life right now. thanx to all my friends for sticking with me even when i'm crabby. :D

spencer thanx for everything! :D

average jane signing off.

template change

oh, yeah i posted then i realized i wanted to change my template back to the original. i've decided i really like it! :D anyhoo. just crazy me

average jane signing off again!

drama and more drama

hey yeah i can update stuff, i promise !!! :D i know it's been a little while so i'll just dig in.

well, in the course of the past two or three (or however many it's been) weeks, so much drama has gone on, hence the title. but so i've had a lot of serious talks with my ex-boyfriend, and we sort of decided to try dating again, and then it totally didn't work out on my part. i still freak out over relationships and so i complicated things again. but then we talked about all of this in more depth just the other day. and i felt like i had some things worked out, at least on my end. and i just need to stick to my resolve to just move on. it's hard but i need to do it for my sanity. and i'm not saying that i don't have feelings for him still. i just get kind of stuck in the what ifs of life like what if i dated this other guy? i still feel the need to really experience more of life and such. i dont 'want to feel like i'm just settling. but yeah and i guess i just need to help my ex move on, cuz we both need to. and so yeah. it's kind of complicated.

but then of course this shit on slypiggery had to happen. and lets just say that i won't be on much anytime soon. i may lurk just to see how things are cooling down but i'm not gonna sign on and post. so that's my life.

oh and i give up on guys. it seems the ones i've like lately and wanted to pursue something beyond friendship, dont' really like me. they jsut want to be friends. and then i came to the greatest realization in class today. i don't really need a guy to be okay. i can be okay on my own. and i will be okay. so yeah i really am just gonna commit myself to being on my own and jsut friends with guys. i had strayed from this resolve. but now, i'm okay. sorta. i hope my friends are okay. anyhoo.

average jane signing off! (i'll be okay.)

under lock and key

so i have really decided to give up on guys for now. i just create problems when it comes to them and i just confuse myself and them. i'm done with that. i can't take it anymore. so i take a leave from dealing with guys. i am not gonna get rid of my guy friends, cuz sometimes it's them that really keeps me sane. like nathan, he's amzing. but that's just him. he's been there for me through thick and thin. thanx bunches. and of course spencer has been good to me too. especially this last little while. but i've let guy issues take over for far too long. i'm just giving up for now. that's how life is. i'm locking up my heart and just going with that. i'll be okay and i'll move on and eventually unlock my heart. and i know that this past few months i've been telling myself that i need to just love like i've never been hurt, but right now, i have been hurt, mostly my own fault. and so i need time to pull myself together again. but to express my feelings i wrote this poem. i posted it on slypiggery, but i wanted to put it here.

Under Lock and Key

lock it all away

throw away the key

secure

safe

content

yet, not

can i lock away my heart

push it all away

move on

forget you

hate it, but there is no other way,

protect myself from hurting again

save me from myself

an old song comes to mind

truly i am a "hazard to myself"

should have warned you

should have warned me

lost, confused

i'm leaving

i'm gone never coming back

too hard to be me

too hard to love

life goes on

i pass you on the street

i'm surviving, adapting

this is life

on my own

i'll be okay.

so that's my poem. and for a while it'll be rocky going. but i'll survive. and yeah spencer i'm okay.

average jane signing off. (my heart will mend)

i'm sorry.

so i managed to mess things up again. i've kind of started pushing three friends out of my life. quite rudely in fact. so i guess that just shows how messed up i am. but i guess i just feel the need to somewhat write down and explain all that has happened to me. and i guess i'll just start at the beginning

my friend- i'm sorry for the way i've acted. i didnt' mean for it to be this way. i know we've worked part of this out. and yet things are still a bit awkward. but i'm sorry. i hope we're okay.

my ex- wierd way to put it, but you know who you are. you are one of my closest friends and i'm sorry i screwed things up again. i kind of have a way of making things messed up so you can't have a moment of happiness or peace. so i'm sorry. and i do still care.

to another friend- i told you so rudely to get out of my life. i'm sorry i shouldn't have taken it out on you. but, you really don't know the whole situation and i still think it wasn't your place to judge me. you're great, but sometimes you do need to back off. i'm sorry for how i acted though.

i guess this is just apologies also, to everyone else that i've hurt in this. i'm sorry. that's just how my life is, with me ending up screwing up a lot. to those friends that i specifically apologized to, i'll be sending you an email that more specifically addresses what i need to tell you. so please check your email.

sorry.

average jane signing off.

update on my shitty life

yeah so a lot of shit has happened this past day. last night i went ot that friend's house. i thought that i was okay with all of it. turns out not so much. we talked for a second about her liking my ex. and then it comes out that he's told her he likes her back in not so many words. yeah i lost it. i left in a rush. and she told me that she'd known for a week that she felt this way about him. so i first felt really betrayed about her not telling me. hell, we'd spent all of friday together basically and she said nothing. and i guess now after a few hours of talking, i'm okay. it's gonna still be hard with her , but i'm not really mad anymore at her. just a bit hurt and sad.

on the other hand, i'm mad at my ex. i've heard everything from my friend's side. and i asked my ex if he likes her and what is going on. he knew that i already knew that he told my friend he wouldn't mind a relationship. yet, he has the gall to reply to my email, that he doesn't know what to tell me. even thought he's my ex, we were still pretty close. at least i thought. but he's known at least a week too and is still not saying shit. and it really pisses me off. i sent an email to give him a piece of my mind. and i don't think it matters anymore. cuz i've just decided that i'm better off not caring. if i don't care, it won't hurt when it all jsut goes away.

i shoud know from past experiences that nothing works out in my life.i haven't been able to keep a friend since the first grade. and she turned on me. and since then, my friends have either moved away, or we jsut drift apart. and that has just been my lot in life. then this one special friend comes along about a year ago. and i think that i've found a best friend. but then all this shit happens, and i wonder, will she still be around and not jsut drift off or move? she tells me she will be. but with my track record i have a hard time believing her. it sucks. life sucks. that's why i'm just not gonna care.

oh good news. so i finally stood up to this bitchy girl in my travel and tourism classes. her name is andrea langston and i dont' care if she reads this. she is a bitch. but she gets up in class and says maybe we should go around and say one thing we like about everyone. and i turned and said, well some of us would have to lie. and somehow we ended up saying other stuff. and she's like at least she says that she hates me to my face. and i told her i have no problem of saying that i hate her. and she said some shit about some ppl would have to lie about me in saying i'm a good person. then later on a couple minutes later she was pissing me off a gain. and so i turned to her and said i am so gonna hit you. and she is all like you wanna go. and gets up. by then i had turned back around in my seat. and my teacher mr. smith said, andrea! sit down! and she said in a whiny voice, she jsut threatened me in class. and i will never forget what smith said! he said, well if you don't shut up, i might just hit you! lol lol lol lol. greatest moment of my life. she shut up so fast. and then stayed after class to talk to smith and i think some ladies in the career center. i don't give a shit what she said about me. it was great!

anyhoo. that's my day. still terribly pissed at him. ugh

average jane signing off. (guys are so stupid.)

yeah, stuff, jsut stuff

so i got some intersting news from a friend of mine. and it turns out she likes a guy i used to like. and without saying much, i guess it first off came as a shock. cuz i don't know. we were all just a group of friends. and in a way i feel stupid that i didn't see this coming. even my mom asked me about this possibility like a week ago. because my friend talks to this guy more than i ever did. but i don't know. i don't want to be angry and i'm not. i guess i'm just confused and i guess jealous in an abstract way. tha's the only way i can describe it. cuz i don't even know what i really feel. cuz i'm still in the shock state. and thinking i should have seen this coming. anyhoo. i'm done talking about this.

otherwise school kind of sucks. my academy program i have, now makes me have my stupid teachers again. but it's all good. i chose this program to begin with :D. but yeah and my gov't class should not be too bad. and i have a bunch of friends in choir like my graces. they all are so cool. and i can't believe how close we are. it's great. anyhoo.

average jane signing off. (confused.)