happily ever after...forever

growing up, every little girl hears the fairytales about how the princess gets the prince charming and lives happily ever after. and as every little girl grows up, those fairytales stay with her. sometimes that is what they base how a relationship rates on a scale of happily ever after. sometimes, a girl can get lost inside fairytales retold, thinking she will never find that prince charming for her. sometimes too, a girl can say that her fairytale won't happen like that cuz like the song called cinderella, originally done by i5 and remade by the groups Play and The Cheetah Girls, whose chorus is " i dont wanna be like cinderalla sitting in a dark old dusty cellar, waiting for somebody to come and set me free. i don't wanna be like snow white waiting for somebody to come and save me on a horse of white, unless i'm riding side by side..."

i admit that a part of me is totally like the song cinderella...that i don't need anyone to come "save" me. but the other part of me wants the other part of the story. the fairytale romance. every little bit. i want to be swept off my feet. but, this part is kept hidden more or less because of my not needing to be rescued feeling...i dont' know why i wrote this but anyways....the point is that i've found my "fairytale romance". and it happened when i least expected it. i can't believe i got so lucky...honestly. i know i've probably said this like a million times, but i don't care. it's just me expressing how i love life.! i love jay! there i said it so the whole world can know! lol i love jay and he loves me.

anyhoo, also, even while i was still more active in the LDS church, i was never one to really really want a temple marriage. like it sounded cool, but it was like oh, yah whatev. i kind of just assumed i'd get married there and yah...like i didn't really imagine getting married anywhere else or any other way. then especially once i really started drifting away even more from religion, i didn't care. and it didn't really matter cuz there wasn't anyone in the near future in my life, that i would have to make that decision with. and then of course i made some choices that now make it not possible, for now at least. then , along came jay. :D lol and my mom actually said to me, after i was tellin her how much fun i had had with jay, how much i had enjoyed my time with him, " can't you see now this is how it's supposed to be like in a relationship? can't you see now why some people would want this to last forever? " and the funny thing is , yeah it now kind of has slowly been coming more clear. i can see why ppl want to be together forever. if that were possible i would work hard for it. which is actually why i am in the process of working my ... issues...out. i want to have a chance at that happily ever after...forever.

but yah...life is great! lol i'm in love. and loving it! i'm going crazy during the day though cuz i miss jay tonz! then again i just miss him all day long. cuz even though i get to talk to him at night...i really wish i could see him every night. lol but i'll have to survive with just a couple nights a week...lol it just feels like my life is complete when he is around, like everything is perfect. lol cuz it is... anyhooo...

oh and i just have to mention how much i love this lady at my work. her name is shawna and she is my life saver and the most amzing person here. no matter what crap ppl. may say about her, she has always got my back. and i will forever be grateful for that. cuz actually just today or yesterday, joyce (my supervisor) was complaining to shawna saying " why does amy need breaks? nobody else in this company gets a break. " and shawna said something to the effect of, " she needs those breaks. she doesn't get to wander the store. she is stuck at her desk." and joyce was all like, " oh is it that bad?" lol i love shawna!! :D he he

well that is enough for today!

laters

averagejane signing off!

crazy weekend

so i just have to say this has been a crazy weekend... and now into the middle of the week. events happened friday, that broke my heart. but i just don't know what to think really. i love this guy, but, i've been talking to him and i don't think he was lying like i thought he might have been. but, today or tomorrow, i should know for sure. yesterday i'll admit that i was all ready to try and leave it in the past and just move on, no matter how hard that would be. cuz this guy is the first and only one i've truly loved. but now i'm thinking i just jumped to conclusions... i do tend to do that. i kind of have a fear of confrontation, so i don't tend to go ask the person what the situation is. anyhoo... well, now i think it's halfway resolved. but there is hurt feelings on both sides, so it may take a while to really put it all back together...


and i know there are a few of you out there that really just want to slap me right now cuz you think i'm just settin myself up to be hurt again. but don't worry about me. i'm okay. and i'm gonna be careful, it was just a misunderstanding.

anyhoo, average jane signing off...

Three little words that confuse me....

why are boys so confusing? i mean, like you think you know them, but then they go and begin to act in a whole new way. like i mentioned a week or so ago, i think, i have a friend that i like a bit as more than friend. and lately, he's been saying things that make me wonder if he really likes me as more, too. and today almost completly confirmed that. so, lately he's taken to saying i love you to me. at seemingly random moments too. but, today in church, we were kind of talking, per se. like by signing and sort of mouthing the words but not really speaking. and so then, he mouthed, "i love you." and i just mouthed back, "whatever." and he replied, "no really, i love you." and so i mouth back, " i love you too." then about 10 min. later, he fingerspells to me, " i mean it." and so i mouth and sign, "what?" and he mouths again, " i love you." so i was extremely confused. what does he mean? cuz my sister reminded me that about a few months ago i was under the impression that he had a girlfriend for only the purpose of the physical stuff.....but he knows i don't get down like that... so why is he telling me he loves me? cuz i totally love him as a friend, but not entirely sure if more than that. then i walk home from church and i told him that i was going straight home, so either he could walk with me or go his way. so he decided to walk me home, told his foster mom that. but so he walked me home....we talked the whole way(i dont live that far..) but, then i turned to tell him good bye in my driveway, and he said, i did mean it. and he gave me a hug. oh, what an amzing hug. *sigh* but i don't know. cuz didn't i just swear off guys for like the next five years.... but i guess one can't help one's emotions....he really can be a sensitive great guy....maybe it's just that he is just a little younger than me... and i dont' know...if you can't tell i'm a little out of sorts and confused... gosh why does it have to be so difficult.... life isnt easy... then, after i walked into my house, i looked out my bay window to watch him walk away. and who should come up to him, but his ex girlfriend. she's bi, btw. and she really pisses me off. and she goes up to him and hugs him...and i don't know... just kind of confused me..even though i could tell it was her initiating the hugs. and it made me realize that i do like darion as more than jsut a friend, for why else would i feel incredibly jealous to see him hugging his ex? i know that i like him...but i'm still so very confused over the "i love you" part of it. those three words do tend to confuse me.... but, i guess maybe the key in this is just to go with the flow, and see where this takes me. but another nagging thought is that darion will be adopted either sometime this summer or next school year. he'll be moving up to bountiful. so i guess i don't know if i want a relationship if he'll just be moving. but here i go again thinking too much about things. typical me.

so recap, darion tells me he loves me and that he means it. and i love him at least in friendshipwise. and i like him somewhat more than just friends. so i'm just gonna ride this and find where it takes me. after all haven't i said i just want dating for fun, and not so serious? yeah, i have. so it's time to stop worrying and jsut go with things....guess i have that worked out for now. so yeah...

average jane signing off....