Three little words that confuse me....

why are boys so confusing? i mean, like you think you know them, but then they go and begin to act in a whole new way. like i mentioned a week or so ago, i think, i have a friend that i like a bit as more than friend. and lately, he's been saying things that make me wonder if he really likes me as more, too. and today almost completly confirmed that. so, lately he's taken to saying i love you to me. at seemingly random moments too. but, today in church, we were kind of talking, per se. like by signing and sort of mouthing the words but not really speaking. and so then, he mouthed, "i love you." and i just mouthed back, "whatever." and he replied, "no really, i love you." and so i mouth back, " i love you too." then about 10 min. later, he fingerspells to me, " i mean it." and so i mouth and sign, "what?" and he mouths again, " i love you." so i was extremely confused. what does he mean? cuz my sister reminded me that about a few months ago i was under the impression that he had a girlfriend for only the purpose of the physical stuff.....but he knows i don't get down like that... so why is he telling me he loves me? cuz i totally love him as a friend, but not entirely sure if more than that. then i walk home from church and i told him that i was going straight home, so either he could walk with me or go his way. so he decided to walk me home, told his foster mom that. but so he walked me home....we talked the whole way(i dont live that far..) but, then i turned to tell him good bye in my driveway, and he said, i did mean it. and he gave me a hug. oh, what an amzing hug. *sigh* but i don't know. cuz didn't i just swear off guys for like the next five years.... but i guess one can't help one's emotions....he really can be a sensitive great guy....maybe it's just that he is just a little younger than me... and i dont' know...if you can't tell i'm a little out of sorts and confused... gosh why does it have to be so difficult.... life isnt easy... then, after i walked into my house, i looked out my bay window to watch him walk away. and who should come up to him, but his ex girlfriend. she's bi, btw. and she really pisses me off. and she goes up to him and hugs him...and i don't know... just kind of confused me..even though i could tell it was her initiating the hugs. and it made me realize that i do like darion as more than jsut a friend, for why else would i feel incredibly jealous to see him hugging his ex? i know that i like him...but i'm still so very confused over the "i love you" part of it. those three words do tend to confuse me.... but, i guess maybe the key in this is just to go with the flow, and see where this takes me. but another nagging thought is that darion will be adopted either sometime this summer or next school year. he'll be moving up to bountiful. so i guess i don't know if i want a relationship if he'll just be moving. but here i go again thinking too much about things. typical me.

so recap, darion tells me he loves me and that he means it. and i love him at least in friendshipwise. and i like him somewhat more than just friends. so i'm just gonna ride this and find where it takes me. after all haven't i said i just want dating for fun, and not so serious? yeah, i have. so it's time to stop worrying and jsut go with things....guess i have that worked out for now. so yeah...

average jane signing off....

isn't doing the right thing supposed to feel good?

today started okay. a seminary talent show that had one good act, the skafisciando (i think that's how it's spelled) band. they were pretty good. but then i went to choir class and i got a candy bar...really yummy and just made the day still good. and we got to sing an awsome song in choir. it's called "seize the day" from the musical newsies! i love it a lot. but anyhoo..then at lunch was when the day just progressed to worse. so i was sitting at the lunch table, and a sort of friend of my sister's sat next to us. i have to say i most of the time can't stand the girl. but, after she left i made a couple of comments about not really liking her. next to me sat a sort of friend of mine, tiffany. ugh.
(but as background knowledge, about a few weeks or a month ago, i was in a really bad mood. and i had been a bit rude to some ppl. it had been going on for a little while. and really flared up one day at lunch and then when i went to get my lunch, my sister told me that tiffany had said, "i am so sick of her attitude." and a couple of the other girls agreed. it was stupid.)
so back to the story...tiffany then turned to us and said, "okay well, let's not say anything else mean behind her back. i know i don't like it when ppl do it.." and i was like whatever. then i stood up to leave and said,"you're one to talk about not talking behind people's back! " then i left....i couldn't take that anymore.
then i walked with a friend to my locker....and she made me laugh. we totally just lightened up. but then we went to our first travel and tourism class. so we had taken a test two times before. and last time we had been lectured by mr. allred. a boy in our class (let's call him JE) had been bragging that he stole the key to the test and copied it to ace the test. and he really had. so today. some ppl still had to take the test. and our teacher grades on a curve. so if JE got 100, then we all would be screwed, cuz smith's tests are hard. and he hadn't come to class yet, so i went up to smith and told him in private that JE had been bragging he'd cheated on the test. and smith told me he already knew that, but thanked me for coming forward. so then i sat down and worked. JEcame in and smith took him out and talked to him, telling him he needed to retake the test. JE refused to saying he had already taken it. smith told him, oops i lost it. JE complained saying he'd take it to the front office and principal. so smith said go ahead. JE left and then didn't come back for a while. then he came back and said smith can i have the ch. 5 questions. and smith said you need to take your test first. JE said to just give him a 0 and leave it at that. but smith said no let's go talk to the administration. so JE said whatever... then turned to me(i sit on the front row) and said i have something for you, and then flipped me off and said fuck you. i said eff you back. i don't care. then he left with smith.... and then the class started talking about it all. and they all knew by then that i had said something. they joked about what JE said. and then i explained that i had only told smith that i had heard him bragging about cheating on this past test. they got mad at me saying it wasn't this test he had cheated on and that no one believed JE and how terrible it was. i felt like they were laying into me and i couldnt take it anymore so i just took the hallpass and left class. i walked around for about 10 min, then went back to class. i walk in and smith pulls me out again. he thanked me for coming forward and apologized for what jeramy said... i told him it doesn't matter, i don't care. but it did matter. i did what was right. and yet i got shit for it. like if it had been a few answers on the test, whatever, that's their business. but when you cheat on the whole test with the guaranteed answers, then it involves me and screws me over. it's not right. and smith told me that JE did admit to cheating on the test. but still said i deserved to be flipped off. so now i know he'll resent me for quite some time, possibly the rest of my life. but i had to say something. last time something like this happened, the other kids in the class tried to turn around the situation by saying what if your best friend did this? would you still rat them out? i told them i absolutely would, but, i don't make it my business to be friends with terrible cheaters like that. so in this situation, JE was a friend. not a best friend or anything but i liked him. he was funny. but i couldn't let him screw the rest of us over. it sucked and then the rest of the class still believed he hadn't cheated......it annoyed me cuz i know they were talking about me behind my back. and i hate that. i will go to someone's face and tell them if i have a real problem with them. anyhoo.... that's my ranting

so now with this mood, my song right now is "heavily broken" by the veronicas.... some of the lyrics are:
"everyday i sit here waiting/ everyday just seems so long/ now i've had enough of all the hating/ to even care it's so unfair......it never ends/ im heavily broken/ and i dont' know what to do/can't you see that i'm chokin, and i can't even move/ when there's nothing left to say, what can you do/ i'm heavily broken and there's nothing i can do/ almost giving on trying..... feels like i'm drowning/i'm screaming for air.../ and you don't even care.."

cuz i'm just sick and tired of the drama of high school. i don't want to be here and dealing with it. graduation almost can't come fast enough. it is kind of a comfort to know that after it, i won't have to see some ppl anymore. i can't stand it. i hate school. i have almost no motivation to finish, except the fact that it's only a month left. and i was trying to get my grades up to stay in national honor society and graduate with the cords, but it's just too much and i dont think i can pull back up this late in the game. i'll try to bring things up, but i don't know if i can....it's just too much right now. too much stress.

but there was one bright spot in my day. i got an email from a really good friend, and it really made my day. to just hear from him and get an email was awsome. it may not have been an entirely happy email, but just to be talking to him sometimes makes my day. he has a way of making me laugh. i know that my day is just better to say hi to him in the hallway at school. been my best friend for a while. thank god for friends. but anyhoo.... so my day has kind of just leveled out into a blah now.....and it's probably just gonna stay at that. but it's better than a day from hell. i was even in a good mood this morning cuz i meditated for a bit and it really centered me. and i had an oober cute hairdo. i had pigtail braids! i was in a funsy mood this morning. so that kind of shows how much the run ins with tiff and JE really hurt me and threw me off. but i'm okay for now...

average jane signing off. (friends are quiet angels who pick you up when your wings have trouble remembering how to fly....)

a rollercoaster that sucks

so today has been a real emotional rollercoaster for me. first i was up cuz i finished what i could for English and turned it in. i'm on the path to bring my grades up....and it's really relieving. but so the day went okay for the rest of school...i even signed up to donate blood... yeah...but then i mentioned that i was working on meditation to a friend. and i get a random response of how it's evil and that buddhism is evil and anything else to do with it is...and it kind of ticked me off. cuz i mean come on, what's so evil about meditation? it is a exercise to connect with yourself and to relieve stress that can be building up. typical in this world. i have yet to master meditation, but i'm determined to do it, after all i try to finish what i start.

but then more religious shit.....so i'm just sick of religion in general. i feel all too often that it is shoved in my face and i'm forced to do things that are a waste of my time and totally against my freedom. hell, i'm 18! shouldn't i be allowed to do what i think is right? tonight our planned activity for our young womens fell through so we were gonna go join the younger girls. ugh... plus it didn't help that they were all like i don't know if that'll be too many ppl? like 10 ppl was too much. *eye roll* but i had basically decided i was gonna go home and whatever...so i put my headphones in my ears and just walked down my street singing to my song "leave me alone," by the veronicas. and then she stopped me and asked if i was gonna go to the other girls house for games. i told her i don't know cuz i hate young womens and i don't even want to be here. then i went into my house. yeah told my dad the situation and convinced him to let me not go. ugh i really hate religion, especially just my ward leaders. they are so pushy and annoying. i wish they would just disappear. i can't wait until i branch out on my own. but i still have to graduate high school.... it can't come soon enough right now. i feel like sometimes i have to work to get a few of my friends' attentions. cuz it's like i'm invisible sometimes. that their life doesn't include me much anymore. drifting apart. but i guess with graduation coming up that's to be expected..and it's better to get used to it now....yeah.

well, i've got some meditation to go do. i have some major stress, emotions and issues to resolve.

average jane signing off. (yeah, life sucks, but hey story of my life and i move on....some ppl need to get out of my face, just leave me alone, like it says in my song "leave me alone.")

MY AWSOME PIC and my new quiz!

so hey i just felt like putting a post on here about my new pic and my new quiz.... i found this pic on someone's flixter profile and found it hilarious and had to have it for myself!!!! cuz it is so true! (at least what it says... not that everyone goes around poking ppl in the eye! lol)

and my new quiz is about me!!! (no duh) so take it and see how well you really know me! some of it is stuff straight off my blog! so have fun with it! i have to admit i'm curious to see how well my friends know me!! :D
anyhoo, that's all for now. love you all !!!

average jane signing off (so what if i was bored? *eyeroll* )

my freedom from boys and life after high school!

well, so here's my newest update on guys. i'm just giving up in general, cuz they cause too much drama in general. like being upset when i find out they think of me as just a friend.... kind of story of my life. but i'm used to it. so i'm moving on. totally nothing beyond friends with a guy. i'll flirt cuz that is so totally me. and of course tease, but nothing more. no committment, nada. it'll just make life easier... in the long run. maybe 5 years down the road i'll try again. but who cares. i'm only 18 and i've got so much i want to do!!! :D i don't need a guy to bog me down. i've got plenty of guy friends... namely nathan and spencer, they are awsome... and darion sometimes.

but it was the oddest thing, cuz i was reading my journal from like february. and i had written that no matter what happened, i'd still be friends with dave.. and look where i am now. i barely speak to him or see him as it is. and i guess i'm mostly to blame..... but i wrote that i'd die if i lost him as a friend, or never talked to him again. and now i don't talk to him and i'm survivng. guess he didn't have as much of an impact as i thought, or maybe i really am moving on. i still have feelings for him like as friends, but i guess i don't want to do anything about it. i'm jsut tired of caring. so it doesnt matter anymore. the friends i have are fine and i'm okay.

and it's totally hitting me that this is the end of high school coming too soon. that soon i won't see or talk to most of my friends again for years, because they'll be off at college having a life. but i'm still here in taylorsville, building my dreams and one day i'll get out there in the real world. having started with seeing san francisco, i can't wait to get out there and see the rest of the world. i can only imagine how amzing it will be. and i will get there, by the age of 30 is my goal. and that gives me a lot of space to find a way. i will do it.....i have to.. for my sanity. i can't wait..

anyhoo, this has been a lot of what i'm feeling lately. and it's great to get it all down..way great.
but this i draw to a close.

average jane signing off. ( for now, i'm jsut content to be. btw, boys are still hot, just stupid lol)

confusing boys and silly work

yeah so i got a call from my temp job last year and the year previously. they called to ask if i could come work for them cuz they were shorthanded this season. and well, i already had a job, but they asked if i could work saturdays, cuz i don't work saturdays at my other job. so i said sure, it would give me a break from just filing. cuz the job they wanted me to do was work at this place called lambert floral. it's a garden shop. and i was in charge of organizing and keeping the tables full of tomato plants. there were other plants that i eventually became in charge of.. like peppers and cukes, and melons, and herbs. so i became quite good at it. but anyhoo. so i went back and worked my first saturday today. i worked from 10am to about 7pm. it was so tiring. i had forgotten how much i ached after a day of work there. but at the same time, it was good to work with my hands and not really worry about getting dirty, cuz i knew i'd be filthy by the time i went home. i was quite a sight to say the least.... we'll leave it at that. but i don't know why i mentioned that anymore...

but so, other news..... well really not much new. so i had some really interesting conversations last night with a few friends... let's just say one could not shut up about the new love of their life....lol it was actually quite entertaining. and then the other, well, we had a pretty random conversation. but it was good, cuz we decided that we weren't gonna lose contact after graduation. cuz that would be the worst.... i'm using a lot of dots and i dont' know why..... but moving on..

so, life sucks in the romantic department....i've decided that over the past month.... like my sophomore friend is having more "romance" than i do. it's kind of depressing. but i still love her. :D lol like i have one guy friend that i like, but not really sure if i can trust him. cuz i thought he really liked me a little while ago, but then ended up being kind of a jerk. it sucked. but then things he's done lately makes me wonder if he does like me for real in "that way" as in more than a friend... like well, i was walking home from school with him just a few days ago. and then i got mad at him sorta and said whatever liar face. and he said " i love you amy." and it just kind of caught me off guard...... but well, i guess i don't know how to read into this. so i'm confused. and then he said it again like two days later when we were walking home. and so i really kind of like him.... and i don't know what to do. so i kinda am just gonna go with the flow. but yeah.

so that's my update. later

average jane signing off. (i'm so confused)

hullloo!! it's great to be back!!!

hey you all!!! yeah i'm back after a frickin long vacation!!!! :D san fran was amzing. im so glad that i got to go there twice!! and yeah i did go through with piercing my ears again. all three of us did. and i have to say, my second piercing looks good. and i really thought my parents would flip, but they didn't. it was more of a "i'm disappointed in you" look that i got. and we didn't talk about it. my sis said that my mom looked about to cry. and my lil' sis did cry when i told her. wierd. anyhoo, san fran was amzing. i really could live there for a while, though i was glad to get back to my nice bed. :D lol and other news, well my second trip to san fran was for choir. and guess how we did. well, all of our three choirs won first in our categories!!! we got superior ratings!! lol. the other choirs must have really sucked for us to win first place, cuz when we listend to the tapes of our selves, we sounded terrible. lol really funny to listen to and laugh at ourselves! but also there was a three way tie for the overall best high school choir, all choirs from the same school!!!! and that was......taylorsville high school!!! yeah. shows that graces is just as good as stupid madrigals!!!! hooray!!! oober funn.... but on a somber note, my friend found out during the awards ceremony that her grandpa died. he had died that morning. i felt so sad. and she hasn't been to school these past two days so i hope she's doing okay. and her mom.

anyhoo. as of other news, well, i just have to say taht my family finally came into the 21st century and got comcast cable high speed internet@!!!!!!! hooray!! yeah they got it while i was gone in san fran. so freakin awsome!!! ;D but yeah so it makes things faster. but it means that i don't have my at&t email address anymore. i'm working on getting possibly a comcast email. but for now i'm using my yahoo address, since i already have it. but i might get a comcast email. we'll see. but i just have to say i missed you all while i was gone, especially spencer! thanx again for all those emails, i really felt loved to see them in my inbox! :D anyhoo, that's all for now!!! let you all know more as things happen!!

average jane signing off!! (today is a good day, so far!)