learning just not to expect anything...

so i just got off the phone from talking to my brother. i guess it was kind of cool to hear from him. but at the same time kind of just reminding me that he's not the same brother i knew before he left. he's changing and it kind of hurts to know that. like i guess technically it's not a bad thing. he's getting more churchy. and i love him to pieces, but i just wanted a normal conversation with him and he couldn't leave the conversation at that. he had to finish the conversation telling me how important the gospel is and that we have to do it together as a family to be together in the end. and it's great that he's got so much conviction, but i really don't want to hear it.

and what really irks me about the last call is that i got work off to talk to him, and i got a lousy five minutes before my dad interrupted and had my mom talk. i wasn't done talking. and the majority of that five minutes was eric asking me to get him some cds. i felt like it was pointless to even be there. and it didn't seem like my brother really cared that mom interrupted me. it made me mad and hurt. that's why i almost didn't talk to him this time. i hate that my parents basically didn't even care.

but on top of all this drama, i just feel like i've been losing a good friend, and that i'm just getting my hopes up to high when it comes to my love life. i have too high of expectations and i just learned that i need to just not expect anything when it comes to guys. i keep setting up myself to be disappointed. kind of a pattern in my life. a pattern i am now stoping. i have learned my lesson. no more will i expect anything of guys. cuz i can't take it anymore.

and the friend i mentioned. i don't know what to do or say anymore. it's like they are never there anymore. and i guess i wish things could go back to how they used to be. but at the same time, i don't want things to go back just to have them change again in a few months or so. cuz it's easier to just not expect much and then i won't be as hurt or disappointed. like i just finished talking to this friend, and you know, i don't care anymore. cuz maybe i am a selfish bitch in wanting this person to be here more for me. but, it just hurts that we had gotten so close, and then when they hooked up with someone, it seemed like they had not much time in their life for me. it hurt. still does. a part of me still wants it to change. a lot. because i miss them and how things used to be. but my head keeps telling me to not set myself up to be pushed aside again. so i'm just pushing this person aside. keeping myself from getting hurt. this person said that it seemed that i was finding any reason to be mad at them lately. and maybe i was, but only to avoid the real hurt, real reason. that's the fact that it hurts to feel abandoned. really bad. so yeah. that's out in the open. anyhoo, so my new thing. just not gonna expect anything anymore, it's just life. and it hurts. and right now i'm crying. yup. you read that right. i'm just sick of this. i'm done with it.

but don't worry i'll be okay. thanx to some good friends i have. nathan. just having you as a friend means the world. you could not possibly know how much it means to just know that you will always be here for me. even when i'm a whiny, selfish, crazy mess. *sad smile* and spencer. i know that there will be days when i don't talk to you. but you really have no idea how much it means. . . .

anyhoo, i'm done with this.

average jane signing off..(life's a bitch and then you die..)