a new friend named stephy! :D

so i know that i just posted. but i just have to say. i jsut met a girl online that is so after my own heart. she's fun to talk to and loves to read. she's younger than me but oober cool... the funny thing...yeah her name is stephanie! lol it's so crazy. of all the ppl i chose to talk to on the chat room, i pick this girl, not knowing her real name til we talk on messenger, and it turns out to be stephanie. i told her the irony of it and she laughed online! :D anyhoo, just thought you all should know. cuz it's she who is responsible for the turn around in my attitude! i will be okay....well, i g2g.

average jane signing off ( i'll be okay, i promise! :D )

learning just not to expect anything...

so i just got off the phone from talking to my brother. i guess it was kind of cool to hear from him. but at the same time kind of just reminding me that he's not the same brother i knew before he left. he's changing and it kind of hurts to know that. like i guess technically it's not a bad thing. he's getting more churchy. and i love him to pieces, but i just wanted a normal conversation with him and he couldn't leave the conversation at that. he had to finish the conversation telling me how important the gospel is and that we have to do it together as a family to be together in the end. and it's great that he's got so much conviction, but i really don't want to hear it.

and what really irks me about the last call is that i got work off to talk to him, and i got a lousy five minutes before my dad interrupted and had my mom talk. i wasn't done talking. and the majority of that five minutes was eric asking me to get him some cds. i felt like it was pointless to even be there. and it didn't seem like my brother really cared that mom interrupted me. it made me mad and hurt. that's why i almost didn't talk to him this time. i hate that my parents basically didn't even care.

but on top of all this drama, i just feel like i've been losing a good friend, and that i'm just getting my hopes up to high when it comes to my love life. i have too high of expectations and i just learned that i need to just not expect anything when it comes to guys. i keep setting up myself to be disappointed. kind of a pattern in my life. a pattern i am now stoping. i have learned my lesson. no more will i expect anything of guys. cuz i can't take it anymore.

and the friend i mentioned. i don't know what to do or say anymore. it's like they are never there anymore. and i guess i wish things could go back to how they used to be. but at the same time, i don't want things to go back just to have them change again in a few months or so. cuz it's easier to just not expect much and then i won't be as hurt or disappointed. like i just finished talking to this friend, and you know, i don't care anymore. cuz maybe i am a selfish bitch in wanting this person to be here more for me. but, it just hurts that we had gotten so close, and then when they hooked up with someone, it seemed like they had not much time in their life for me. it hurt. still does. a part of me still wants it to change. a lot. because i miss them and how things used to be. but my head keeps telling me to not set myself up to be pushed aside again. so i'm just pushing this person aside. keeping myself from getting hurt. this person said that it seemed that i was finding any reason to be mad at them lately. and maybe i was, but only to avoid the real hurt, real reason. that's the fact that it hurts to feel abandoned. really bad. so yeah. that's out in the open. anyhoo, so my new thing. just not gonna expect anything anymore, it's just life. and it hurts. and right now i'm crying. yup. you read that right. i'm just sick of this. i'm done with it.

but don't worry i'll be okay. thanx to some good friends i have. nathan. just having you as a friend means the world. you could not possibly know how much it means to just know that you will always be here for me. even when i'm a whiny, selfish, crazy mess. *sad smile* and spencer. i know that there will be days when i don't talk to you. but you really have no idea how much it means. . . .

anyhoo, i'm done with this.

average jane signing off..(life's a bitch and then you die..)

boys are just stupid...lol

can i just say that i'm totally sick of guys. i honestly don't know what they're thinking. they totally just bounce back and forth from one thing to another. like you think you know them, and then they act stupidly. or maybe i'm just tryin to read too much into things. or maybe i just need to learn not to go for younger guys. too immature. guys my age are already immature as it is! lol *eyeroll* but ya know, i don't think i really liked him all as much as i wanted to believe. i think i was projecting my feelings for someone else onto my feelings for him. yeah i think so. he still makes me laugh. but i dont' really like him that way. there's really only one guy i like right now... but i have to get over it cuz he is just a friend. and no it's not ryan. he's just a friend. i had to put that in there for the benefit of two ppl who might have thought otherwise.

anyhoo, life's pretty much dull.... but i just listen to music, read books, procrastinate homework. just normal. and i can't wait for high school to end. i can't wait to get on to college. i know it sounds silly, but i am excited. oober excited. anyhoo, since it's mother's day, my dad has cooked a meal for my mom. chicken cordon bleu and some potato wedges things. i like the chicken part but not the potatoes so much...anyhoo. oh and we're gonna call my brother today at two pm. he's in chile on a mormon mission. but yah....

tha's all for now...

average jane signing off...(time to reevaluate what needs to be done in my life...set my priorities straight : D)


Friends are quiet angels that pick you up when your wings have trouble remembering how to fly...

BUBBLE BATH!! the most amzing invention of our time!

so i just got home from work and i'm so sore and tired. especially since combined with my soreness from ultimate yesterday, my aches from work are even more noticeable. ugh... but on the way home me and my sister heather stopped for slurpees. can i just say yummmy? lol

but then i told her that we had to stop by walmart for some bubble bath. can you believe that out of three girls in my house, well, me and heather and rach (in her own place) not one of us has bubble bath? yup better believe it. i have been totally depressed over this fact for like three weeks but i finally got some!!! yeah it smells good, like boys' cologne.mmmmm...lol but it's official name is mariner musk, it's pirates of the carribean bubble bath, in honor of the new movie out on the 25th. anyhoo, i just absolutely love the smell. but i'm gonna go take a bubble bath!!! aren't you all jealous!!?? :D

average jane signing off (to soothe my aches and pains with bubble bath!! :D )

letting go of what i've done, but happy memories

right now i'm jsut terribly sick of hearing all those love stories of girls and their boyfriends. well, maybe it's just my friends' stories i'm sick of. i hate hearing how happy they are and all the details. maybe it's cuz i'm bitter that my love life basically sucks...cuz sure i have guys that possibly things could happen with, but right now, nothing is happening. that is cuz i don't see darion much during the week... like somedays i see him at lunch time, sometimes walking home from school. and i really want to see him and talk to him, maybe i'm getting my hopes up too high... cuz i still don't know that he meant i love you in more than friendship way. i'll definitely get to him tomorrow. cuz he's always at church lately. it's the one thing i look forward to on sundays, seeing darion. he makes me laugh, makes me happy...most of the time. he can get on my nerves a bit, like everyone else. but overall we're good.. and i know this whole moping over darion is getting old so i'll move on...

well yesterday was state choir competitions. graces got all 1s. concert choir got two 1s and a 1-. yeah graces kick butt!!!! :D

but also yesterday i went and played some ultimate frisbee. well, i tossed around a frisbee with ryan thatcher, but i didn't actually play in the game. maybe next friday i will. i just have to get better with the whole game... i found out that i can catch okay, but my throwing could be improved... a lot! :D lol it was fun though, even though my butt is sore...probably from running and actually doing something instead of just sitting and watching a movie on a friday night! it really was cool and we were there until like 11 pm. fun stuff...

but unfortunately i have to work today. ugh at lambert floral. but i'm working from 11am to 6pm when they close. i'm leaving right after the last person leaves. i don't plan on staying around to help! yeah right, i did that last time. stayed to help. and i was there until almost 7 pm. naw i need to come home and rest.

oh and the other day i had this amzing conversation with my friend jay hansen. i was walking home from school and caught up to him. and we really talked like he and i havent' in a while. it was cool cuz i felt a new connection with him, like i hadn't felt in who knows how long. cuz we've both just kind of been caught up in school and friends and other stuff. but it was way good...cuz after we parted at my house, he's like, "i'll see you again soon, right?" i replied "most definitely." because i like talking to jay. he's really a great guy.

anyhoo, i have to just say that it's been an interesting week. i really haven't talked to a friend much this week, cuz i guess it just seems she's always with her boyfriend, and maybe that's not true, but i guess i just feel that way. maybe thats why i feel like i'm kind of just going back to how i was junior year. i had a lot of great friends, but the best i had was nathan... and i guess the reason i'm back to how it was in junior year...is cuz i know that nathan'll always be there to talk to if i need to. i know that is not gonna change. anyhoo, i'm gettin mushy and i really hate that some times... but life is okay. i survive. and right now i really do like that new linkin park song i posted. it's a song about just washing away all the crap of the world. it's about taking away what i've become and jsut starting new...i wish i could do that. but anyhoo, i've babbled enough...

average jane signing off...

Linkin Park - What I've Done

this is the totally new kickass single from LiNKiN PArK. i love it! enjoy...:D

darion makes me happy, yet confused...

last night i had a dream...about darion. and you all know that dreams often are either our subconcious telling us something or something that is really on our mind. well, obviously darion is on my mind... :D

so my dream...well, i was in california. that much i remember. i don't know why cali, but i was there with darion. i had gotten there by plane. that i remember... but, we were in a church and darion was being the usher(the person who passes out the church programs of the meeting, for those who don't know what i mean...) and so i sat by him for a bit. i couldn't sit by him for very long cuz my parents were there at the church too and i think expected me to sit by them. but just sitting by him, i could really feel he liked me and we just talked. it was cool. and then i got up for something, and randomly this girl liz that, in the dream, was some ex-girlfriend of his in cali, came up to him and she hugged him. and i got oober jealous. tha's really all i remember.

but this is the first time in a long time that i've dreamt about a guy i like. the last one i dreamt about was a good friend that it turns out doesn't like me as more than a friend... and then before that dave...so i guess it's like making me realize how much i like him. i only dream about those that are seriously on my mind and i can't stop thinking about. Darion has been on my mind a lot in the past week. ever since he told me he loved me....i hope he means it. cuz i'm realizing just how far i've come to rely on him, and how far i've fallen for him. didn't do too well protecting my heart this time. oh well, my new saying is, (like my screen name for messenger..) "life is pain. anyone who says differently is selling something." that's a line off of princess bride. but i guess it's not all pain. there is some good mixed in with the pain. like friends...i have two i know will always be there to listen to me if i need to vent, to share my happy news with, to cry with, to laugh with, (even across the net. it's so still possible.) but also, i like the new linkin park song. i'm posting it like right now....

but so i'm seriously hoping that things develop between me and darion. i could use some positive stuff in my life...cuz choir is just bringing me down, no matter how hard i try to just keep above it...mmmm.. darion, happy thoughts....well i'm tired and it's time for me to be in bed. i have to perform tomorrow....ugh....wait happy thoughts...spencer-makes me laugh, darion-makes me happy and smile.... :D love you both so much

average jane signing off... (it's now 10:14 and i'm so exhausted...)