here i go again! lol

so here i am posting again late at night...wow i better not make a habit of this. lol well, here goes it all again...

so the reason i'm here again is cuz i was thinking again. i know, that 's dangerous territory. lol but it had to do with the fact that i had a real hangout, a real talk with my best friend. we haven't done that in forever. and there were the silly moments and the serious and the downright hilarious moments. and just being with him and talking and acting silly really made me think about my life and realize for the first time in a few months, that yeah i'm still young. that's not a big deal. it means i still have time to experience life. i'm not expected to know it all now. i think i kind of forget that at my work because i am the youngest there by a good eight or nine year difference. so i forget that it's okay to still be young and want more out of life. i really needed this tonight. and i guess it also helped me even more to realize that life is changing and it's good. my public school days have passed. it's time for me to grow up past that. but at the same time, it's okay to be still unexperienced in the world. anyhoo...made me think about what i'm doing with my life. and i really don't want to get tangled up with this other guy right now. because i know that he's sort of lookin for serious. and i'm trying to convince myself that i really jsut need to have casual relationships. maybe some dating, but nothin serious. cuz i told my self that i'm not getting married young. and i know that won't happen. but also i told myself that i have things i need to see and do before i settle down. and it will be things i do on my own with no romantic attachments to them. so i just need to remind my self of that daily. and as much as it's nice to feel like someone cares, (and the kissing is nice. lol) i need to know that i have done my share of living life, and that i want to be with them for real, before i even get myself into what is happening now. i need to be strong, even though for some reason i feel guilty tellin him i don't want to be with him now, cuz he's kind of gettin divorced because of me sort of... but i cant just let things go on out of feeling guilty. if it comes down to it that i like him and want to be with him, then great. but a part of me knows that nothing serious could ever come of our relationship. there are a few crucial things that are diferent between us. i just need to remind myself of that...

so yeah off serious things. so my best friend and i actually ended up hanging out at walmart. let me say we have just had some fun times there! lol so he wanted to look at lamps cuz he just remembered he needed one that imitates sunlight for some photography stuff he was doing. lol so we then were looking at lamp shades and lamp bases. then he remarks that ppl might look at us and think we were shopping for our house. lol ( like we were together or sumthing! ) lol so then we just laughed, me especially hard, and just kept looking at stuff. then somehow we wandered over to the kitchen ware section! lol even more looked like we might be shopping for stuff together! lol yeah it was funny to say the least! totally made my night...

lol, well, now that its almost midnight, i'm gonna close and go to bed! i have church to attend tomorrow. lol and little kids to play with! :D love my kids....

averagejane signing off! :D

a small reflection

so tomorrow is my birthday...i'll be 19. hm... i just got used to 18. and it's weird, cuz with all that has happened to me this year i feel like i've grown up so much in just one year. like who thought i would have fallen for a married man. and kissed him. if you had told me that a year ago, i would have just laughed in your face. honestly... cuz i mean i was just in a semi serious relationship and the last thing i wanted was to get into anthere relationship. i was still hoping for love. but i didnt' even consider finding it in such a different way. yes i did say love, i think my feelings may be developing in that direction. i'm not sure but maybe. anyhoo, so what a year it's been. i can't wait for the next 20 years...

averagejane signing off...

late night thoughts...

well, here i sit at 12:09 am. there is just somethin inside of me not allowing me to go to sleep so i decided to surf the net. and here's where it lead me. my blog which i haven't updated in a while... so here goes nothing.

well, so i let my mom in on the whole situation with a very close, very married friend. and i have to say that the reaction was slightly different than what i initially expected. my mom just warned me a lot and reminded me what i had told her before. and i guess the hardest part is that this guy just makes me feel beautiful and special. tells me never to settle for just good enough. that i deserve more. and i feel just lucky to be around him. but always in the back of my mind is if i go out with him, what's to say he won't cheat on me, like he's done before and is doing now to his wife now? that crosses my mind all the time. and he has lied to me before. once or twice, but he's been honest with me since he made a promise to me to tell me the truth.

my friends, especially one special guy friend, warn that he's out for one thing, a piece of ass, to put in crudely. or sex in other words. but this guy knows he ain't gonna get it from me. i don't play that way at all. so i guess i really just want to believe that he's really into me and my personality. and i feel a sense of security with him in part. i don't entirely know why. and i would be lying if i said that i never think of what if i got so involved with him that we got married. i would be an instant mom to his little girl. and while that thought in itself warms my heart. just the safeness and feeling of being needed makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. but then the young, i'm-just-a-girl-still part of me isn't sure i want to commit to that all yet. maybe in a year or two. but, i still have a bit of life to experience.

also in the back of my mind is what all this marriage and then divorce is doing to his little girl. isn't she confused why she just got a new mommy, why her real mommy doesn't want her, and why this new mommy is gonna be leaving? it isn't healthy. and maybe that's why a part of me just wants to be her mommy and tell her i won't be leaving. even with every disagreement me and my mom have had, i still had mommy to go to when i was little. i can't even imagine what goes through this little girl's head. i just feel so sad for her. i love little kids and there is just something comforting about holding a little kid in your arms telling them it will all be okay and they just are comforted and snuggle up to you for protection and reassurance. as you get older, you don't snuggle up to mom or dad anymore. you just kind of have to fend for yourself. that's why i love jsut being able to comfort the little ones like that.

then on the other hand, i meet new ppl that i love talking to. and i wonder what i really want in life. ppl tell me, you have several years before you need to decide or think about really settling down. but then a part of me wonders what if i don't have all that long? after all who can really say that they won't die tomorrow. life will never cease to amze us or catch us unawares. that's why i try to just live each day to the fullest. try to experience new things. one of my fav. quotes is from the movie MONSTER IN LAW, with j. lo. she says as her character that "life is too short to live the same day twice." and that makes me think, really think...

i really shouldn't sit and think this late at night. or should i say early morning as it is now 1:05 am. lol i really get pensive and worried and wondering about life. so i think this is now a good time to stop before i really get going...

ok i lied i have one more thing to post. i went and visited my friend, and guy i used to date, chris, just out of the blue. and i have to admit i've missed talkin to him. really talking like we used to. but it's weird now. like we can still talk but i feel awkward in some things we talk about...but i miss him a lot. i just didn't really realize until now. but i need to remember there was a reason i stopped dating him. that we can only be friends. and i think he was happy i stopped by. but yeah...

now it's 1:12 am and i really am gonna get off here! i should sleep some .... but who's to say i really will.

average jane signing off....

my heart is saying yes...

so...here's the deal. i did something a few weeks ago that i know was wrong, but felt so right...and the thing is, i want to do it again. but my mind is telling me no. my heart, well, i've allowed my emotions to get tied up in this...and nothing can happen right now... and if something did happen, i'd want it to be when both of us are unnattached. that it would happen cuz we both want it. no obligations or guilt trips... that's no way to live life... and yet i want something to happen right now. but it can't.. and i hate myself for wanting it to happen. cuz i think i'm falling fast and hard...in love maybe... cuz there has to be a physical and a mental attraction. wanting to be with someone for reasons beyond the physical part of a relationship. loving them for their mind and honesty. and i've found that...god i'm screwed up but here goes. i would live life wondering always, "what if..."

average jane signing off...

bad days, but will be resolved

okay, i totally feel like shit right now. i feel like just curling up in a ball and crying. but i can't i have to pull myself together and work. i still have a job, unlike a friend of mine...
i came to work this morning, in a decent mood. i was getting my new computer all hooked up. and i had to go to another store to get myself a connection cord. i came back and got it all hooked up. then my friend comes up to me...he tells me that he's been fired. i took one look at his face and knew it wasnt' a joke this time... my friend is a tough guy, but he looked like he was having a hard time keeping it together. it broke my heart to see...
then, i hear other details about why he was fired. and it seemed that he'd possibly been stealing from the store. and of course rumors went around that he had been doing drugs... really got to me that i was wondering what was all true. i had myself doubting him... but then i went up to him as he was gettin his stuff together. i told him all i had been hearing. and all that was being said about him. he looked me in the eye and told me that none of it was true. and i believe him. with all of my heart. i should know that art wouldn't be doing drugs or stealing. that is not him.

but then later that night i was at a halloween party with friends and i get a text from him askin if i was busy and if he could call. and i said that he could call. so he does and we talk for a bit. he really was still upset about being fired and all. he said that he was upset and just needed someone to talk to. i'm glad he could feel comfortable talking to me.

then saturday. i was hanging at home and he calls up and we talk a bit. then he asks me a random question. he said, "do you think i'm a bad person?" and i said, what makes you ask that? and he explained that he had had a falling out with a friend. and i told him that i didn't think he was a bad person at all... so it all will be okay. cuz i think he has another job lined up already. and we might hang out today.

average jane signing off...

ps. this was written in part on friday, oct. 26 and part on sun. oct. 28

settled relationships

so time for another update i guess. i don't really seem to have as much time lately to get on the computer and blog at work. but that's partly due to the fact that i have no computer at work for the moment... it kind of broke down. it was a dumb old used computer. but i should have one coming sometime this week. but yeah...

well, so things are definitely taking a turn for the better. it has been a weird two days. like everything seems to be happening all at once. last night art texted me first, not me texting him. and this is the first time this has ever happened. usually it is me initiating the conversation. then on top of that. he says that we really should go see a movie sometime this week. and i told him that we should and to tell me what day and i'll work it in to my schedule. almost immediately i get the text back that says thursday. wow. it was really crazy. that i got him to just really commit. and it's really funny. cuz it's set that we're gonna hang out! and then we were joking about something and we negotiated it to the fact that he owed me two movies... lol so it's really funny. at least to me.

so then i get to work and just kind of funny at work cuz art is still being nice. then, at the gut truck i'm lookin at the food options and i take a step back and step right on his toes! lol he jokes, "good thing i'm wearing my steel-toed shoes~!" lol good stuff. then art does his typical calling me up and talking like in a different voice. then he gets to the point. he asks me what i'm doin for lunch. and eventually gets to the fact that he's kind of asking me if i want to go the Parrothead Island Broiler for lunch. cuz i told him they had good food. lol so we go to lunch and of course everyone around steve regan co. (work) knows about it! lol yeah if shawna, the lady who covers my lunch breaks, knows about anything soon everyone at work will know. it's really more funny than annoying. but yeah. i had a good time with him. even though we didn't talk a whole lot, it wasn't an uncomfortable silence...it was cool. so tomorrow we are supposed to hang out!

oh and the cool thing also, i patched up my relationship with robert and just kind of redefined things. like i told him that i still stand on the fact that we can't have a relationship beyond friendship. and i'm glad that we talked. cuz he apologized for some things and i really have missed talking to him. cuz i feel as if i can really talk to him. it's kind of nice. so yeah life is stable again.

anyhoo...got to go. that is it for now.

averagejane signing off...

bite in the ass...

so my stupid decision to kiss a certain friend is comin back to bite me in the ass...i have this guy cody that is finally gonna ask me out. and as mentioned before a kiss is the bargaining chip. well, so i just got a text from cody saying , "You were going to make me take you out three times and you let ______ (name edited) kiss you at work thats weak." yeah so not my proudest moment. in fact, one of my stupidest decisions... and now it 's gonna ruin things. and i have an explanation for what i did, though it will never excuse what i did.

but at the same time when i interpret what cody said, i hope he's not saying that i should just kiss him whatever. cuz normally i don't do what happened between me and this other friend. i honestly wish i never had done it. sure i learned from it. but if i hadn't done it...well i guess then again, if i hadn't what would have stopped me from doing it otherwise? i would have still felt as if i had somethign to prove. but, now i know that that was something i never had to prove to anyone, let alone myself...

well, g2g cuz we are closing...

average jane signing off...

Edit : i came back and edited some things because i realized they shouldn't jsut be said...