a fuckin mess....

god...i feel like shit right now. lol amzed that i'm laughin a bit on the inside while wanting to curl up in a ball and just sleep for the next day. i've never felt this tired...that could from combined lack of sleep and one too many drinks...god, this is crazy...i felt good last night, just comfortable with him. laughing...cheering on the team...then back at his place just laughing while we watched tv...feeling comfortable enough to just fall asleep inside his arms...wishing i could have stayed there and just called in sick to work...

now i wish there was some way to not feel like shit. maybe if i get some sleep...tried coffee, didn't help this time...maybe a drink would revive me...dunno...just falling asleep...


averagejane signing off...(what a crazy day...but i'm okay...just feelin like shit temporarily...feelin like a fuckin mess...)

disappointed no more

let me just say i hate life. i just let myself be disappointed time and time again. i tell myself not to set myself up to be disappointed, yet i don't listen to myself. yet again i let myself be excited for plans made with my best friend. and yet again i was disappointed. this is not to be a criticism to anyone. this is simply my thoughts and feelings. i set myself up for disappointment. again. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. and in more situation than one this weekend.

so here's my weekend. so graduation on saturday for travel and tourism. pretty cool. i get fun cords to wear for real graduation. and the food was good afterwards. :D so then after that i had to go to a family reunion. ugh. the only fun part was i got to play with my little cousin timmy. he's a cutie. and man can he talk! :O lol but then i went home and took a bubble bath to relax, then a shower to wash my hair. but i found i didn't have time to blow my hair dry, so i just scrunched it into curls and let it dry that way. really looked terrible. but anyhoo, i took a jello to our party at crowther's house (my teacher). and it ended up i was the only one who ate it. so it melted while it just sat there. and my friend left early so i kind of just sat around and ppl watched. anyhoo, so i left around 7:30pm. then i went to my car, and as i was walking, my jello leaked out of its pan cuz i was holding it funny. ended up leaking in my car. a mess to clean up. so i was ticked off by the time i got home. then, i called my friend to see if she had gotten back from the ball/dinner thingy she went to with her boyfriend. she didn't answer. i called three times by the time it was 8:30 and still no answer. and i was hurt. cuz she had told me it was our night. we were gonna do something. but guess not. (didn't even call back that night). anyhoo, so i decided to go to the region dance. didn't even know there was one until that night. so i spent a half-hour figuring out where it was. then i got there and i found darion. well, after i hung out with meisha and alexis for a bit. and we talked a bit, joked around. and i got him to dance one slow dance with me...:D (he hates dancing btw) but then he was back to his normal self of acting like we were just friends. and so once again i was disappointed. twice in a night. i went to the dance hoping to have some good music, good ppl and get in a better mood. ha...didn't work. but then i ended up flipping darion off twice that night. i really wasn't altogether really pissed off at him. it was more a combination of my friend earlier mixed with his childish mind games. but yeah. so it just sucks.

then today. my friend arrived late to class today. but she had good reason. no problem there. then she apologized for not answering her phone. i still don't know why she didn't answer. but then i explained to her that i had been hurt that we didn't hold to our plans. we were gonna do something. like maybe a movie or sumthin. nothing set, but we had planned it to be our night, or so i thought. and i didn't get angry or act mad. i just was hurt. kind of story of my life.

so i guess i need to stop fooling myself.and not to expect so much of others. out there in the real world, i won't have anyone. just me and me alone. i've learned that guys are not to be depended on. and learned to never like a guy younger than me. they're too immature. i thought darion would be different. but i guess not. silly me.

anyhoo, so from now on, i will focus on getting myself where i need to be in the world. no more expecting anything from ppl that are supposed to be best friends. i guess boys come over friendship...silly me. but from now on, i really am gonna change all this.

also, i was gonna not say anything to anyone. but i was gonna get a cell phone and service. but now it doesn't matter that i say anything. cuz i won't be getting one. what does it matter to have one if i dont have anyone to talk to? it's just a waste of money. this summer i'm gonna work to buy a car. that at least can get me somewhere. i can drive far away from utah. far away from those who disappoint. far away from anyone who knows me. i can get on my own and build my own life.

i don't know why i'm writing all this, as i don't care if anyone comments. i won't be reading them...but, i guess this time it's really just for me...

average jane signing off....

just getting by and graduating

so this morning in graces we had a powwow. i really didn't like it too much, at least in the beginning...cuz it was T jsut getting mad at me again. cuz supposedly T had a complete emotional breakdown yesterday. but i guess it ended well, cuz basically everyone was crying and some people had apologized to me for saying crap behind my back. but i still have some unresolved feelings towards T. i understand that she felt like i had started to step over the line and telling her what i would be doing....but at the same time. i did not disrespect her otherwise and i still am a little upset at her.

however, right now i'm just trying to get by and graduate. so i'm just forgeting all of this and moving on. just getting by and finishing out the year....and focusing on happier thoughts. like darion. a sweetheart... :D so yeah that's life...

oh and btw. maybe i didn't lose all my friends, some are still mad at me, but then they never really were my friends if they hate me...

life is pain and you get over it

so now i'm already finding out some repurcussions of what happened today between me and mrs. t.....i heard it caused her to have a bad day and that a lot of ppl were crying. i didn't mean for it to blow up like this....not at all... but i don't go back on anything i did. i simply was voicing the thoughts that i'd had for a long time. maybe i could have been nicer, but if i hadn't have said these things, i would have blown up worse... but now i've got a member of graces crying. our president. i heard it from a friend that has T after me... can i just say i hate life. a whole part of me is dreading going to graces tomorrow morning. cuz i don't want to get the dirty looks and glares i know that i'm gonna get tomorrow. i dont' want to deal with that shit...i've already had enough. i've already cried enough. man i hate high school and can't wait to be rid of it....too much drama....teachers that don't treat us like adults....or equals. we have ideas and are bright and smart, and sometimes they treat us like we're two. some ppl deserve that cuz that is how they act....but, some really try to get their point across and teachers just lazily push it aside... i hate it....

well, so my night was going okay for once at young womens even though i hate it. then i came home and started talking to a friend and it got all the whole issue of today back up... but at opening exercises of young womens/young mens.... i saw darion. he got to conduct the meeting...lol but might i say he looked incredibly hot. i don't know what it was about him... maybe jsut the simple jean shorts and loose white tee. just the simpleness of it all. and he was just so cute. i wanted to just hug him for like forever. he gives the greatest hugs....and then he gave me a hug when the guys and girls separated. a really amzing hug. gosh i really like him. he's a sweetheart...i really think that this time he won't hurt me. really. and i guess this is just saying that i'm going for it! i'll talk to him on sunday for a while and who knows what will happen??!!! lol :D i'm just gonna focus on that right now to make me happy... :D

average jane signing off....( i'm moving past my issues and forgeting guys that don't like me as i like them.... i'm moving on to guys that like me, a lot *wink*, and that i really like back...)

i'm having a day from hell...

today was literally a day from hell....but it didnt' start that way. it was okay. i got to read my book, gossamer, in seminary. then i went to choir and i actually had fun in concert choir. the songs we were learning were finally starting to come together in my mind.... and it felt great. and we finished up about 10:20 am. then mrs. t, my choir teacher, asked to see me for a minute. and so i went into her office and we talked. she told me that i had come to her to talk once and so now she needed to talk to me. she told me that she was incredibly hurt yesterday when i was unwilling to try and change my time to donate blood, which i ended up not being able to anyways.... but she said she harbored feelings (her words not mine) all day about that and couldn't stop thinking about it. she had asked me the previous day in our class to try and switch to donating blood during the period i TA for her, but i told her i couldn't because i needed to use that time for homework... i was really behind and needed to make up some work. so back to today. she told me that for the past 3-4 weeks she had let me do what i wanted when during my TA period, but she had asked for one day and i couldn't give her that. i didn't get the chance to tell her that i would have gladly any other day, but this happened to be one day i just couldn't. i needed to pass the class i had homework for. anyways, then she told me that she had really needed me there yesterday, that the girls needed me there. i told her that i don't really feel that she notices when we were gone. and she got defensive and said that she does notice, and asked me if i didn't notice that she pulled aside the latecomers. and i gave her that. she does that....but when we're gone it's not like she makes much of it. she only makes a big deal when all of our 1st sopranos are finally all there( this is a rare occurence by the way..) anyways ( oh and during this i myself was getting kind of defensive and that was wrong. i needed to cool down.) but also, somewhere in this conversation i must have gotten pretty hyped up, cuz mrs. t said that i was shooting daggers at her with my eyes and that i needed to calm down... and i did, cuz i wasn't meaning to do that. but then at one point in our conversation i tried to tell her something and i must have raised my voice a little, because all of the sudden she said, "don't yell at me, cuz i can't take that." and i said to her, " i'm not yelling at you." cuz i wasn't....and she told me to stop yelling, again. and so i said, "T, you deserve respect as my teacher, but i can't take this.." so i opened her office door and turned to leave. she grabbed my arm to keep me in there and told me to stay. but i pulled my arm away and left the classroom. she followed me into the hall and called after me...i thought she might catch up to me so i began to run down A-hall. she called after me saying, "amy let's take this to the principal..." i said ," i'm not talking about this and i ran down f-hall into the girls bathroom. i stayed there for five minutes then went out in the commons area. i waited to see if she'd come find me. but she didn't. the good thing was my friend kara came out to see if i was okay. her concerned face broke me. i told her, no i was not okay. she gave me a big hug and i cried for a second. then i told her that t's being a bitch. and she knowing how t's been acting, was like no surprise.... but then she got my stuff out of the classroom, cuz i wasn't about to go back in right then. but that's the most of the drama..

so then at lunch i was hungry but couldnt find the motivation to make myself eat. food sounded disgusting. so i just sat at my table. i heard rumors later that a couple of other choir friends of mine were giving me looks of disgust as to how i was treating T. but they just don't get it. i confronted one of them around the last period of the day and told her i'd heard rumors that she was giving me dirty looks. she just rolled her eyes, not denying it....and i told her that if she had issues to tell me to my face cuz i didn't need to hear it from others. and i told her i was tired of t's shit and all the shit i was getting from others... looking back now, i realize i was really harsh, and i regret that, but i don't regret what i said. i'm tired of being the bad guy, of losing friends. guess they weren't really my friends to believe me....it sucks.

so now i've lost some friends cuz of this whole mess. and i know i was partly in the wrong. i should have held my temper better. i tend to lose it. but i don't regret a word i said. i meant every word with all of my heart. i don't need to sit by and just take this anymore. that's it. but i also will be telling cami sorry for reacting how i did, but that i still meant what i said. i will also tell T, if she tries to talk to me, that we have nothing to talk about until she apologizes. i will probably say that i was wrong in running away, literally. i should have jsut walked away like a normal person. it was childish to run. totally childish and i'm an adult now. but i don't regret what i said. not at all. T needs to realize that right now choir is not the most important thing. i need to focus on my other classes in order to pass them and graduate....this is stress i so don't need.

anyhooo, yeah it really sucked but i'm okay for now.

average jane signing off....