disappointed no more

let me just say i hate life. i just let myself be disappointed time and time again. i tell myself not to set myself up to be disappointed, yet i don't listen to myself. yet again i let myself be excited for plans made with my best friend. and yet again i was disappointed. this is not to be a criticism to anyone. this is simply my thoughts and feelings. i set myself up for disappointment. again. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. and in more situation than one this weekend.

so here's my weekend. so graduation on saturday for travel and tourism. pretty cool. i get fun cords to wear for real graduation. and the food was good afterwards. :D so then after that i had to go to a family reunion. ugh. the only fun part was i got to play with my little cousin timmy. he's a cutie. and man can he talk! :O lol but then i went home and took a bubble bath to relax, then a shower to wash my hair. but i found i didn't have time to blow my hair dry, so i just scrunched it into curls and let it dry that way. really looked terrible. but anyhoo, i took a jello to our party at crowther's house (my teacher). and it ended up i was the only one who ate it. so it melted while it just sat there. and my friend left early so i kind of just sat around and ppl watched. anyhoo, so i left around 7:30pm. then i went to my car, and as i was walking, my jello leaked out of its pan cuz i was holding it funny. ended up leaking in my car. a mess to clean up. so i was ticked off by the time i got home. then, i called my friend to see if she had gotten back from the ball/dinner thingy she went to with her boyfriend. she didn't answer. i called three times by the time it was 8:30 and still no answer. and i was hurt. cuz she had told me it was our night. we were gonna do something. but guess not. (didn't even call back that night). anyhoo, so i decided to go to the region dance. didn't even know there was one until that night. so i spent a half-hour figuring out where it was. then i got there and i found darion. well, after i hung out with meisha and alexis for a bit. and we talked a bit, joked around. and i got him to dance one slow dance with me...:D (he hates dancing btw) but then he was back to his normal self of acting like we were just friends. and so once again i was disappointed. twice in a night. i went to the dance hoping to have some good music, good ppl and get in a better mood. ha...didn't work. but then i ended up flipping darion off twice that night. i really wasn't altogether really pissed off at him. it was more a combination of my friend earlier mixed with his childish mind games. but yeah. so it just sucks.

then today. my friend arrived late to class today. but she had good reason. no problem there. then she apologized for not answering her phone. i still don't know why she didn't answer. but then i explained to her that i had been hurt that we didn't hold to our plans. we were gonna do something. like maybe a movie or sumthin. nothing set, but we had planned it to be our night, or so i thought. and i didn't get angry or act mad. i just was hurt. kind of story of my life.

so i guess i need to stop fooling myself.and not to expect so much of others. out there in the real world, i won't have anyone. just me and me alone. i've learned that guys are not to be depended on. and learned to never like a guy younger than me. they're too immature. i thought darion would be different. but i guess not. silly me.

anyhoo, so from now on, i will focus on getting myself where i need to be in the world. no more expecting anything from ppl that are supposed to be best friends. i guess boys come over friendship...silly me. but from now on, i really am gonna change all this.

also, i was gonna not say anything to anyone. but i was gonna get a cell phone and service. but now it doesn't matter that i say anything. cuz i won't be getting one. what does it matter to have one if i dont have anyone to talk to? it's just a waste of money. this summer i'm gonna work to buy a car. that at least can get me somewhere. i can drive far away from utah. far away from those who disappoint. far away from anyone who knows me. i can get on my own and build my own life.

i don't know why i'm writing all this, as i don't care if anyone comments. i won't be reading them...but, i guess this time it's really just for me...

average jane signing off....